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[AUDIO LOGO]

Amos!

Uncle Pete, you're back from vacation.

Something wrong?

Something wrong?

I just got my new credit card bill.

Want to know what's on it?

Just a couple of essential things

that we need for the upcoming film we're going to do.

Lighting grids, an LED screen, hard drive, LED screen, god

knows what else.

I can't even fucking decipher it.

But, Uncle Pete, it's a huge fucking LED screen.

It's awesome.

This is unacceptable, and it stops now.

The return on investment from your last piece of shit film

was slim to non-existent.

OK, but this is our second movie.

We're going to do things so much different.

Shut up!

I should have known better.

You've always been a dreamer, building

your damn castles in thin air.

You're a loser, and this is going to stop now.

I'm done with your silly, little dream.

You're never going to be a real filmmaker.

We are real filmmakers.

You and I are real filmmakers.

We made a real movie, Uncle Pete.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it was seen by a thousand people,

even millions of people.

Millions?

Where are my millions of dollars?

This is going to stop, and it's going to stop now.

I want you to get out of my house.

I want you to get all your shit together, including

my sister's idiot son.

It's not necessary.

[THUMPING, GROANING]

[SCREAMS] You busted my fucking leg!

UNCLE PETE: I want you and this fucking shit off my property.

[THUDDING, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

AMOS [VOICEOVER]: 10 years ago, we

convinced my Uncle Pete, a well-off contractor,

to finance a small, independent horror film, Blood Gutter.

Even with our restrictions, we pulled off a decent film.

Yo, cuz, I got frailty locked and loaded, dude.

Rest in peace, Bill Paxton.

Game over, man.

Game over.

What are you doing with the rope.

Apparently nothing.

Oh, well, how'd that meeting go with the distribution folks?

Not good.

I'm sorry, man.

Shit.

Well, I guess we can head inside.

AMOS [VOICEOVER]: I was born with a chronic disease

called storytelling.

My medium is film, a series of still moments

accelerated to create motion, hence, motion pictures.

Do you think pork rinds taste like human skin?

I don't know, but it could.

I mean, the DNA is pretty similar.

They use pig valves in heart surgery.

These pork rinds are so premium.

Oh, shit, I got to move Uncle Pete.

God, they fucking stink.

[CHUCKLING]

I another letter to the executive vice

president, Dave Boston, but that son of a bitch

is ghosting me, too.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Short-sighted fucking idiots.

All they want now is those horrible romantic comedies.

Oh, god, I hate those.

Right.

I mean, who could watch that shit?

Apparently, a lot of people.

They even have their own convention over there

in Novi, Rom-com Con.

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Nope.

This weekend, they even have Ms. Claudette Capra and Gary Gable,

king and Queen of the genre, carryovers from the old soap

opera days.

Fuck them.

Fuck this genre.

Look at Rom-coms Must Die.

You hear me?

Ooh, that'd be a pretty dope title.

Wait, Clem.

Wait.

I think we just struck gold.

What, we did?

Look, we got to find something to--

we got to do something before the powers that be find

out that Uncle Pete's dead.

Those checks stop coming.

We're going to lose everything.

We're going to lose the whole studio and everything we built.

Well, I put him in the tree fort there.

But he's starting to get a little bit ripe,

if you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

This idea is great, fucking brilliant.

I mean, this is a brilliant fucking idea, Clem.

Here's what's going to do.

Get on desperate.com.

Call up all the actors you can find.

Let's go.

Quick.

I'm on it, guys.

We're going to make this.

You want a rom-com?

You want a rom-com?

We'll give you a fucking rom-com.

[TENSE MUSIC]

CLAUDETTE: Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hello?

CLEM: Yo, what can I do you for, Ms. Capra.

CLAUDETTE: Yes.

I'm-- I'm just a bit confused as to why

they've lodged us this far out.

CLEM: You'll love this Airbnb.

It's classy, like you are.

You'll enjoy the peace and quiet away from the pestering fans.

CLAUDETTE: Can't get a signal out here.

This house better have good Wi-Fi.

I say good night to my little Ty-Ty every single night.

He's with my assistant.

And he just gets so stressed if I don't

call him every single night.

CLEM: Starlink.

Elon Musk.

The house has killer Wi-Fi.

GARY: You know, technology, I--

I could do away with all of it.

CLEM: Home sweet home.

GARY: Looks charming.

Is that a tree house?

CLEM: Yes, it is.

CLAUDETTE: Is it just the two of us out here?

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, no, no, no, not in a million years.

Smells like--

CLEM: That's the pigs.

Barn's not too far away.

Every once in a while, the wind shifts

and drags that sweet scent right down here.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, be careful with those bags.

They're expensive.

Yeah.

Your bags are safe with me, Ms. Capra.

Yeah.

Well, they're from Paris.

Welcome, distinguished guests.

You must be Amos, or is it Amos?

Which one?

Yes.

Welcome to Casa de Amos.

I filmed in a house just like this years back.

I think it was Christmas Holiday Wish 3.

I missed that classic, parts one, two, and three.

I missed it, too, but I got a hell of a boat out of the deal.

I've told the producers I'm just fine at the Hilton.

Oh, Ms. Claudette Capra, but you deserve so much more.

I need to use your restroom.

Oh, if you would just take that path through the woods.

We've set up a porta-john for the two of you to--

[LAUGHS] just joshing you.

Straight through the doors all the way back.

You can't miss it.

[SIGHS] This is awful.

She's the friendly type.

She's uncommon.

The driver at the airport never saw either of them.

They checked into their flight to Atlanta

and made the connection, but where are they?

Tonight is the welcome dinner.

Saturday is the seminars and the workshops.

Sunday is their big meet and greet.

We're sold out.

They have to be here.

How could this happen?

Excuse me.

I-- I--

I know I'm just a security guard here but--

and you can tell me to go fly a kite, kick rocks.

But if I make a couple calls, what

do you think if I started looking at this for you?

Well, fine.

Excellent.

Just have them here by Sunday at noon, no later.

You won't be disappointed.

And-- and if I do find them, maybe

we can renegotiate that fee.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Yeah.

So I just wiped my hand on a Day of the Dead towel,

and it was sticky.

Sticky?

My apologies.

We will swap those out immediately.

Yeah.

I wanted to officially welcome you

both here with a little toast.

What's the network and password?

All in good time.

Smells good.

- Pro? - No.

No. No.

Uh-uh.

That will bloat me, and I'm fasting for my appearance.

This wine is made from locally grown cherries.

It's a Michigan tradition.

I must insist that you try.

Insist?

OK.

What part of I don't want it-- you know what, no.

Never mind.

Fine.

I could use a drink after this day of travel.

Well, I have to toast-- to toast-- to--

[GULPING]

All right.

Here is to heat, not the kind that you find in the shacks

and the shanties but the kind that you find

in the pants and the panties.

To new friends, cheers.

Cheers.

[CLINKING]

[MOANING]

So what did you think?

Of what?

Wine.

Oh, nothing.

Heard it all.

It was sweet.

Ugh.

Anyway, can you please show us to our rooms?

All of a sudden, I'm feeling--

I'm feeling really hot.

It's a unique treat.

I mean, I don't think I've ever had cherry wine.

But it makes me feel a little--

Heavyset driver with two fancy types.

Those two?

That's them.

ANNOUNCER: Flight SK84 to Grand Rapids, Michigan,

is departing in 10 minutes.

Well--

ANNOUNCER: Flight SK84 to Grand Rapids--

--wife and kids good?

I wouldn't know.

She left me and took the kids.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Bob.

Yeah.

Just me and the dog, Leroy, watching

rom-coms and eating TV dinners.

About time I cycled through some of my favorites.

And Proposal, fantastic.

Pre-Deadpool Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock.

Also, The Holiday makes me laugh,

cry sometimes at the same time.

Fantastic.

Go back to some of my other favorites.

Meg Ryan has a series.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hey, they're awake.

What's-- what's going on here?

You let me go.

I swear to god, if you don't let me go, I will scream.

I double dog dare you.

[SCREAMING]

Ooh, that wasn't too bad. [SCREAMING] Dear god, help me.

[LAUGHS] That's how you do it right there.

That's how you do it right there.

All right.

Allow me to welcome the two of you.

For the sake of this little endeavor,

you can call me Edison Strange.

Endeavor?

What-- what endeavor are you talking about?

The two of you, you're going to be starring

in our next feature film, top billing,

of course, that is unless you want

some sort of special credit, like an and and a with.

We can work all that out but no fucking agents.

I'm semiretired.

I do conventions for cash.

Oh, well, welcome out of retirement, Gary.

I swear, if you don't let me go, I--

If you don't let me If you don't let me go.

Get him.

I swear to god, we'll see what happens

when I put a million volts through one

of those silicone boobies.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, I would.

Just try me.

Now listen up, this is what's going to happen.

Two of you are going to film a casting call.

Then Clem here, he's going to edit it.

He's going to post it.

And from those submissions, we're going to find

out who your costars are.

That's right because I'm the director

of photography, gaffer, key grip, editor,

and the intimacy coordinator.

[GIGGLING]

Costars?

Costars for what?

The film.

Actually, it's a hybrid.

It's a rom-com/reality show mixed in with a little faces

of death kind of horror film.

Oh, no, see, no, no, no.

I-- I don't do horror.

But you do make horrific films.

Horrifically bad films, Ms. Claudette.

How dare you?

How dare you?

You rob your audiences.

You know, I know I make bad films

except for Killer Mosquitoes from Montana, you know,

my first horror film.

CLEM: Love that film.

You were Dr. Buzz.

Yeah.

I remember, hey, the killer mosquitoes

are coming over the hill.

Oh, Doc, come on save me.

Oh, I have that effect on women.

Come with me, dear.

Oh, god, stop.

Stop.

This is insanity.

You know that, right?

Actually, it's kind of interesting.

Let's-- let's hear him out.

Any chance I could get some more of that cherry wine

without the sleepy sauce?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Are we good?

Oh, no.

One-- one-- one second.

Time is money.

You're supposed to both be seasoned pros.

Well, we are.

Any chance we can get some cue cards?

No.

There's no chance of getting no fucking cue cards.

It's not The Carol Burnett Show with bloopers.

I swear to god, Gary, you fuck up, and you get the juice.

I-- I--

I have a reputation.

I am not reading this.

Oh, but you are.

Or you're going to kiss the cattle prod.

[SIZZLING]

Fine.

Fix my makeup.

Here we go.

A makeup also. CLAUDETTE: I have a little hair.

AMOS: That's enough.

That's enough.

Put that away.

Are-- are they mic'd up?

CLEM: Yep.

Do we need clapboard?

No.

I feel a one take coming on.

Let's get over there.

Roll camera.

CLEM: Rolling.

All right.

And action.

[ANTICIPATORY MUSIC]

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Gary Gable.

You may remember me from Turning World

or, more recently, Christmas Holiday Wish

on the Hallmaker's Channel.

Now, I'm here today to offer you a unique opportunity,

and I'm also here with my good friend, Claudette Capra.

Take it away, Claudette.

Oh, thank you, Gary.

Hello, my lovelies.

This is Claudette Capra, and we're here to bring

you a unique opportunity.

We're looking for the next stars of a very special rom-com,

so we're holding a casting call/reality show

event to find our next king and queen of rom-com.

Now, let's not be too confined in our search.

We could be looking for the next king and king.

[LAUGHS] Or is that queen and queen?

Either way, send along your materials

to this email with your headshot and monologue

from your favorite rom-com scene.

Now, if selected, you will be one

of four couples competing in our next rom-com, now flash casting.

Get your submissions in by 6:00 PM.

We will notify everyone chosen by midnight.

That's right.

Midnight tonight.

And then you'll be taken to a private studio

so we can see if you have got what it takes.

So follow your hearts and dreams.

And join the ranks of the elite if you have what it takes.

See you on set soon.

Don't delay.

Send away.

AMOS: And cut.

Not bad.

All right.

Moving on.

You're professionals.

You know what, these ropes are really tight.

Can someone please loosen them a little bit?

I kind of like them.

They're helping me stay in character.

Any more of that cherry wine there, please?

[RADIO PLAYING, KNOCKING]

MECHANIC: Come on in.

We ran out?

Ow!

[CLANGING]

BARNEY: Hey, there.

I hope you ain't trying to sell me anything.

Oh.

Sir, I'm Barney Wilks.

I'm a-- a PI, Private Investigator.

You tell that ex-wife of mine she ain't getting

another damn dime.

Hey, I'm here to talk about cars.

Well, I don't know what you've been told.

All my car's got a chain of titles.

Ain't nothing illegal going on around here.

I don't doubt that at all, sir.

I'm just here to talk about this car.

That's Sweet Marie.

I owned that car for 15 years.

She's a good Sunday driver.

You don't-- you don't own it now?

No, sir.

Sold her to buy something a little faster.

The-- you happen to know who you sold it to?

Pete.

Pete something or another.

I could look it up.

You got a minute?

No.

I got all the time in the world.

[SINGING] Chasing dream again

You drink?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

CLEM: This guy's horrible.

Hank Hansen, he loves horses, romance, and other pansy shit.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Look at those dimples.

God, I hate dimples, and his monologue is god-awful.

Oh, you've already seen it?

Let's play it.

Jenny, I'm sure it's got to be hard

moving out here from the big city all the way out here

to the country.

You like horses?

Dear god, is he bad.

But that's good.

We want the fucking worst actors,

the worst actors we can find.

I mean, fucking bottom of the fucking barrel.

One down.

GARY: Oh, here we go.

Nick Knight.

This guy is mucho douche lotto.

He does look douchey.

God, you really want to watch his?

I'm going to regret to say night.

OK.

Most likely.

All this primping.

Start fucking talking.

Oh, my god.

AMOS: Turn it up.

So you're new to Atlanta?

I'm deejaying at a new club this week.

Maybe you want to come through.

You can invite your friend.

I can bring my friends.

[SINGING] Because ain't no party like a Nick Knight party

Because a Nick Knight party don't stop

Stop. Stop.

- All right. - God.

Book him.

CLEM: Oh, Wesley "Wes" Wagner.

He could be our Ken there.

Perfect.

Reel launch?

No.

Let's just be surprised.

All right. Cool.

Cool.

Oh, look at these two.

They're a couple, Brody Dixon and Kip Donovan.

All right.

Diversity.

Bingo. All right.

Book them both.

Premium?

Want to watch their reel?

No need.

All right.

Next.

Here we go.

Sugar Woods, House of Atlanta type.

I like her.

I don't know.

Her nails really scare me.

Don't look like she's got a reel.

Book her.

Sugar Woods.

All right.

Moving on. Whoo!

Right there.

Right there.

Amy Anderson.

Horses are pair therapy.

When I was in a coma, they used to bring me out every week just

to bounce around on the horse's back.

Brought me right out of my coma.

How's that?

Is that OK?

[VOCALIZES]

OK.

She's going to put me in a coma.

[LAUGHS] Got to find our Barbie.

Our Holy Grail.

This is kind of fun.

Lacey Blythe.

She loves fashion--

Mm-hmm.

--music, and dreams of being an influencer.

Don't they all?

OK.

I would say that our work here is done.

Send the invites, and I'm going to go polish up the limo.

We'll meet them at the parking lot,

and tomorrow, we'll go pick up our new costars.

Oh, my god, I can't believe we did it this quick.

Last time we did this, it took us like a whole two months.

This time, we did it in like--

Two hours.

[LAUGHS]

You want to see how easy it is when we don't

give a shit about the acting?

Hell, yes.

I'm pumped.

I am really pumped about it.

I'm pumped, cuz.

Let's go, baby.

Let's do it.

Yeah!

I'll get pizza?

That's after the break.

[LAUGHS] OK.

Yeah.

Thanks for that beer.

Appreciate it.

Have a good one.

Keep warm.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Hello.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm-- I'm on that lead right now.

I tracked the car that picked him up from the airport.

No.

I-- I-- I didn't see anything.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Sure.

If you want to send me the link, I'll watch it.

Oh, sir, Sunday, 12:00 noon.

Yeah.

Better have that fee ready.

I'm getting close.

OK there.

Bye-bye.

Bye, sir.

[SIGHING]

Boy, this is getting more loopy as we go.

What's this, Sky's the Limit Productions?

This is getting interesting.

[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Is that their dad?

No.

It's probably just a prop, although doesn't

smell like a prop.

It's not a prop.

[SCREAMS] Help!

Please help me!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Good thing I'm not claustrophobic.

Lovely nails, girl.

Thanks, boo.

You think he could pull that off?

[BEEPING, STATIC]

Welcome, everybody.

My name is Amos Edison, and this is my associate, Clem.

We're excited to have you all participating

in Sky's the Limit Productions' first rom-com endeavor.

Hell, yeah.

When we get to the studio, we will

be having a meet and greet, where

all your questions about the TV show will be answered.

Bro, are you going to feed us?

I'm a bit famished myself, so I promise.

Is this part at least going to be on TV?

Is it union or new media or something?

As soon as we arrive at the studio,

we will be having a meet and greet, like I said.

And all your questions will be answered.

I know I'm getting close.

Thankfully, actors can't help but post

about their accomplishments.

Isn't that right, Brody, Brody Dixon?

Wait, what do we have here?

Oh, this sure looks like the limo from Brody

Dixon's social media post.

I will take a better look.

Oh, my god, this is so fun, guys.

Get in for a selfie.

Come on.

Come on.

Selfies are--

Just one.

- --not my thing. - No.

It's just one. It's just one.

You can do it.

Oh, cute.

This is going to be so much fun.

[CLICKING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh, they're hotboxing the car.

You'll smell that?

Did you feel that?

Shit, this is fucking great.

[COUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

[CHEERING]

I get you, Clem.

[LAUGHTER]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

AMOS: Can you hear me, Gary?

Gary? GARY [ON TV]: Yeah.

I can hear you just fine.

AMOS: Ms. Claudette, can you hear me?

Testing, 1, 2.

CLAUDETTE [ON TV]: Yes.

1, 2.

AMOS: I think we're ready, Clem.

Wakey-wakey, pretty lady.

Eggs and bacon.

Come on.

Wake up.

What is this?

What's going on?

What are we doing here?

Everything will be explained shortly.

All right, Clem.

Roll camera.

Roll sound.

Speeding.

ACTRESS: Is this some sort of trafficking?

Someone's getting an ass-kicking

once I get out of these chains.

What the hell is that?

I'm the AD as well.

And action.

[ANTICIPATORY MUSIC]

Hello, audiences around the world.

My name is Edison Strange.

I'm your director and your host for Rom-coms Must Die,

a reality show, where we're going

to pick the theme and the costars

for an upcoming feature film.

Someone's going to jail!

Cut!

[ROARING, THUMPING]

[GROANING]

You don't participate, you'll be disqualified.

And you and your scene partner will be eliminated.

And when I say eliminated, I mean eliminated.

And cut.

[TENSE TUNE]

This is your sides.

Learn it.

Learn it.

You have 15 minutes.

15 minutes?

Can we improvise at all?

Within reason.

And if you're not off script, you'll be eliminated.

[CHUCKLES] And this is all a joke, right?

Hidden cameras?

No hidden cameras.

There's one there.

There's one there.

There's one there.

Yeah, but, like, the whole elimination farce

for dramatic effect, right?

Amy, I've seen your monologue work.

If I were you, I'd get to learning your lines.

You have 13 minutes.

13 minutes!

Title on the classic car matches.

How does he tie in with these TV stars?

Let's see.

What's this IMDb database?

Peter T. Edison, executive producer, Blood Gutter.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

OK.

Let's go down the rabbit hole.

Dylan, I know we only just met.

And I'm only here for the summer.

But these past few weeks, I feel something really

special growing between us.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Sadly, I've been a lone wolf for most of my adult life.

But I'd-- I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel it, too.

Do you think you could ever see yourself living in the city?

I don't think I could take the city very well.

I'm a small town guy, and I don't have a fancy education

or none of that.

You ever think you can make a life out here?

I don't know.

But I do know, out here, away from all the pressures

of what everyone expects me to be,

I feel like I'm really finding myself, you know.

And I hope that new self you're finding

has a place for a good old boy like me, isn't it?

The rough edges and all?

I might be able to smooth out those rough edges for you.

I was hoping you'd say that.

What's wrong?

Something just keeps holding me back.

AMOS: And cut.

I love it.

Whoo! That's very good, wasn't it?

I was just rolling with it at the end

there with the-- with the kiss.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was really feeling something.

I-- I-- I don't know if it was the chains or--

hell, I don't know.

Do-- do you want-- to do another take or--

cheers.

Cheers.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[GROANING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

BARNEY: Run better.

You see blood in the gutter, you don't go in the gutter.

OK.

So I'm Dalton, the bookshop owner,

and I just lost my soulmate, too.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I don't-- I don't think you can die from gout.

Uh-uh.

DALTON: Maybe, like, a heart disease or a cancer.

Whatever works for you.

Heart cancer.

And I'm the shy, young, handsome-- young,

handsome grandson, who moved to the small town to take care

of his elderly grandmother.

Does she know I'm gay?

And if so, does she approve?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

She is your holy roller type.

Mm-hmm.

But that's the twist.

So the change of heart.

Bingo.

Oh, sweetens it.

I-- I got one more question not from the script.

Are-- are you the director of Blood Gutter?

It was a movie that was done like a few years ago.

Why do you ask?

We-- we-- we love that movie.

It's a-- a classic.

And it did not get the attention it deserved.

Boys, well, I've got a treat for you

because this guy right here is the mastermind

of Blood Gutter himself.

I knew it. We knew.

We saw it.

Knew it.

Oh, my god, I always said I wanted to work for the director

who did Blood Gutter.

And now I am. We've made it.

I could die.

Bro, you don't want to die.

I mean, I don't.

I'm going to get in character.

We're going to kill it for you.

I'm going to throw in a little vulnerable lisp to my character.

Get working on your sides because I'm rooting for you.

ACTOR: OK.

[SLAPPING]

Don't be nervous.

I have a good feeling about these two.

We have to get out of here.

Why?

So are you the owner?

Why, yes.

I'm Dalton Simmons.

I haven't seen you in here before.

I'm new in town.

Todd Larson.

Any relationship to May Larson?

That's my grandmother.

I'm taking care of her, thanks to my grandfather, who passed.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yes, I know.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

Can I help you find anything?

What makes you think I'm looking?

Well, you did come into my shop.

Maybe I'm just looking.

Well, maybe you let me know if you see anything you like.

Oh, I certainly will.

And cut.

That felt really good.

Hold it.

I felt I was there.

You were fabulous.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

So were you. Thanks.

I was getting thirsty.

You deserve it after that.

[TENSE MUSIC]

It reminded me of when we first met.

That I was going to that first dance.

All right.

What a tumble.

That was pretty good, wasn't it?

I liked it.

Really nice.

Yeah.

They got pretty good taste.

They love Blood Gutter.

Well, who doesn't?

All right.

Next up is the bride.

So I'm going to go check on the others in the garage.

Coat these two up, and put them back.

And set change.

Aye, aye, captain.

I don't know.

I kind of like that.

Gary.

What?

We're sitting here with a dead guy.

That could be us.

OK, but we're the judges.

But we've seen their faces.

We know their names.

You get that they're going to have to kill us, right?

I kind of look at it like a--

a meeting with the Weinsteins.

You should know about that.

You know, you say nothing, you see nothing.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

Oh, my god, you're such an idiot.

I'm an idiot?

CLAUDETTE: Yes.

I think you might be overreacting a little bit.

[SCARY MUSIC]

BARNEY: Not bad at all.

I didn't see that incoming.

[TENSE MUSIC]

I think I'm going to have to do some shopping

and get my recon on.

See if my VIPs are still on the property.

[ENGINE STARTING]

Alrighty.

Rise and shine, DJ Douche.

You, too, pretty lady.

Back up, motherfucker. CLEM: Damn.

You ain't about to get your rape out on me.

Whoa, shorty, relax.

Ain't nobody trying to violate you.

Oh, hell, no.

Y'all got these chains on me.

I'm about to bust your ass as soon as I get up out of here.

We're in the studio.

What the hell is going on?

Allow me to explain.

If you look in your lap, you will see some sides to a script

that I call "Ride at My Side."

So this is what we're doing?

Are you the director?

AMOS: I am.

You white boys got some real issues.

You see, the thing is this.

You've got 15 minutes to get off book.

And if you don't, you'll be eliminated.

And you don't want to be eliminated.

So I cheated, and now I'm supposed

to be trying to get her back.

OK.

Oh, so who cheated?

All right.

Yeah.

I got it.

Dang, you got that memorized?

Of course, I got it memorized.

My memory is like that.

Hey, white boy, don't be putting sugar in those shadows.

You best be getting my light right.

You feel me?

NICK: OK.

I'm feeling this.

But-- but the chains--

Uh-uh.

--and--

Just so you know, Imma Queen Latifah this shit right quick.

And then when I win, I'm going to judge you to your ass.

And y'all be thinking this is the Sugar Show when

my lawyers get done with y'all.

You hear me?

OK.

Well, you heard her.

All right.

Clem, roll camera.

Roll sound.

CLEM: Rolling.

All right.

Everybody, settle.

And action.

Hey, what's up, boo?

Don't boo me, you two-time trifling dog.

Sugar, listen, she's from my past.

I was just putting a cap on, nothing more, nothing less.

It's over.

No.

We're over.

[CHUCKLES] Don't say that.

Since I've been with you, I felt free, free--

[CHAINS CLINKING]

--to open my heart and feel.

I'm with Dae Dae now, and I'm happy.

Why can't you understand that?

I've moved on.

You ain't supposed to be with Dae Dae.

You're supposed to be with me, and you know it.

So what am I supposed to do?

I got all my family and friends here.

NICK: Yes.

You guessed it.

Run away with me.

We'll elope and go get married in Vegas, just the two of us.

What do you say?

And cut.

That was perfect.

Dang, boo, that felt so real.

I was about to run away with you.

It was pretty good, wasn't it?

Not going to lie, I felt a bit like Denzel.

A little refreshment?

That's really twisted.

You are not Denzel.

You a hater.

I'm always going to be a hater, Boo.

[TENSE MUSIC]

I have to say I was impressed.

The writing was pretty good.

Yeah.

By the way, who's doing the writing?

Oh, Clem and I, we collaborate on that.

Well, this genre is going to be lucky to have you.

You could probably win some Golden Heart Awards from this.

Really?

Well, we've got one more setup.

And then our judges are going to be forced to make a decision

about which team's eliminated.

I'm going to go step outside and get a little air.

Clem, Clem, darling, you--

you know you don't have to kill two of these people.

Right.

Well, I think we're going to kill four, maybe all of them.

These people are innocent.

The only thing they're guilty of is having a dream.

Surely, you can see that.

Are any of us truly innocent?

Shut up, and stay out of it, Gary.

Way to go, Amos.

You didn't think about where we're

going to put all these bodies.

The ground is frozen.

Wait a minute.

The pigs!

The pigs!

The pigs!

The pigs!

[TENSE MUSIC]

Reruns of Columbo had prepared me to this very day.

You're going to make a mistake, fellow,

and I'm going to be here to catch it.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be like them.

Like how?

AMOS: Perfect.

Well, that's how they like to present

themselves on social media.

I mean, it's as if they smile and their problems just

melt away, smiling, laughing, dancing, so carefree,

and bragging about callbacks as if that

was something to brag about.

Gary, Claudette, you're about to make a very important decision.

Time to get up.

It's star time.

[CHUCKLES]

OMG, what is going on?

What is this bullshit?

Allow me to explain.

If you look in front of you, your sides are there.

Allow me to set the scene.

Lacey, you are playing Annie, and this is your candy shop.

And your boyfriend, Tate, played by Wes,

has created this surprise for you.

Fuck you!

What is this jackass shit?

If you just look at the sides.

Fuck these sides, OK?

I knew something was up with your Willy-Wonka-wannabe ass

when I saw you at the pickup.

I'm not afraid of you.

What?

I got two words for your ass, tread, mill.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll wear your ass out.

I'm a BJJ instructor.

What's that, a blowjob jock?

Funny, fat man. Yeah.

Unchain me.

I'll triangle choke your ass out.

You have 15 minutes and less to learn your lines--

Shut the fuck up.

You two lame idiots are going to jail.

This is a really stupid concept, and I'm not doing it.

Wes, it's OK.

We can do it. - No.

It's OK. We don't need to cause trouble.

What did-- what did they call you?

What was it?

What was it, blubber?

What was it, whale blubber?

Butterball?

What was it?

Or was it the old tried and true, fat--

[SHOOTING]

Nobody talks to my cousin like that.

Rewrite.

Oh, boy, that sounded like a gunshot.

I have something on my heart that I'd like to say.

So if you just stay quiet and let me speak.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

I know this candy shop is just a silly little girl's dream.

But it's my dream.

And I know that if I said yes and married you,

I could live in a beautiful house.

I could drive a colorful Corvette

and stow my dumpy, old beater.

My days would probably be filled with being a stay-at-home mom

and going to PTA meetings.

But there's just a part of me that would feel lost.

And I love you, Tate, but not more than I love this dream.

And I have to see it through no matter who says I'm crazy

or who says I'm throwing my life away.

I have to do this.

I hope you understand.

I love you, but I just can't marry you.

And I'm so sorry.

[THUDDING]

AMOS: And cut.

There you go.

Oh, thank you, but I don't drink water from plastic.

Drink from your damn water!

[TENSE MUSIC]

This will make me go to sleep, won't it?

Just like a dinner party at the Cosby house.

Now drink it!

[GROANING]

And she's down.

What about this douchebag?

Well, you love the pork rinds.

CLEM: That, I do.

Well, the pig's got to eat, too, Clem.

Oh, big Farmer Potts.

I hear you, dog.

AMOS: Yeah! - Yeah!

Let's go. - All right.

I'm going to get my coat.

I'll take care of her.

You know what to do with him.

You got it.

Straight to the pigs.

No fooling around with him.

I'm getting a good meal tonight.

Oh, no.

We're going to have to decide who dies next.

Yeah.

Seems that way.

You know, that behavior was--

that was totally uncalled for.

What are you talking about?

He shot him.

He's dead.

Yeah.

Well, you know, if there were harsher repercussions,

you know, people's actions, they were more kind, maybe,

you know, like these keyboard cowards that sit back.

And they're all brash and tough.

I call them keyboard cowards.

Gary, he shot that boy in cold blood.

Yeah, and he deserved it.

What?

There you go, folks.

Round one is complete.

Our judges are going to compile their notes,

and three teams will be safe.

And one team is going to be eliminated.

When I say eliminated, I mean eliminated.

[LAUGHS] Stay tuned.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Where are you going, big boy?

Morning, Clem.

Hey, my man, Potts.

What can I do for you?

A little compost action for the piggies.

Oh, you know where it goes.

That I do.

Anything we can do to make my pork taste better?

We can only hope, Potts.

I'm back.

Morning, boss.

[SHIVERS] It's freeezing now.

It has been quite the morning already.

Stinker.

And I want to apologize for the pause in production,

but, Clem, he had to take a--

a pit stop.

Or is that pig stop?

[LAUGHS] But we'll be rolling again here soon.

You-- You could stop all this madness now.

I mean, you could plead insanity.

We'd-- we'd back you up on that.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Little heavy and it smell in here.

Here.

All right.

And I also brought you a little bit of farm-fresh breakfast.

Oh, yeah.

Did you bring salt and pepper, by chance?

Oh, looky here.

Hey, shazam! - My

Man. That's what I'm talking about.

Rock on.

One or two, Mr. Gable?

One or two?

Two, please.

All right.

Peppers.

A little salt.

Little bit-- little bit more salt.

Fine.

OK.

All right.

Here we go.

And one.

All right.

[MUMBLING] AMOS: OK.

You ready for a second one?

Oh, no.

AMOS: Oh, yeah.

[MUMBLING]

AMOS: You can do it.

You can do it.

All right.

Ms. Claudette, one or two?

No.

I'm not hungry.

It's going to be a very long day.

I must insist that you eat at least one.

Fine.

Salt and pepper?

No.

[MUMBLING]

Open up.

Pepper.

No. Too late.

Already had your chance.

Eat it.

[MUMBLING] Pretty good, huh?

AMOS: As you might have realized,

we have a little bit of a situation

after round one with the, you know.

I kind of like Lacey's read.

But I don't think that she should suffer

for what's the situation.

I tend to agree with you.

And Clem and I decided that both Kip and Brody

should be given a pass.

The read was pretty good, and they're friends of Blood Gutter.

So any notes, Ms. Claudette?

I like the Amy and Hank rant scene best.

There we go.

See, that helps me make my decision.

All right.

Well, we'll be rolling again here soon,

so you guys stick around.

No.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Did we just decide someone's death?

Maybe.

Did you eat your egg already?

[GASPS] You're worried about eggs?

[ANTICIPATORY MUSIC]

Round one had a lot of exciting twists

and unexpected turns.

The judges have had time to compile their notes.

Unfortunately, Sugar, Nick, you ranked

the lowest, which normally would be an immediate elimination.

But due to an unforeseen circumstances

in the Lacey and West round, West was immediately

disqualified and eliminated.

What that means, one of you will get to move on to round two.

[LAUGHS] But let the judges explain how our specialty

challenge is going to work.

Judges?

Lacey will continue on to round two.

That leaves either Nick or Sugar to become her new scene partner.

And in between Nick and Sugar Is a cattle prod with a million

volts running through it.

Now, survivor rules are in effect,

so the last man or woman standing goes to round two.

This is some of the craziest bullshit I have ever heard.

If you two think that you're going to make me--

[SIZZLING, SCREAMING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Now are you motherfucking entertained?

Now give me my damn water.

I told y'all I'm winning this bitch.

I'm going to go get Nick.

Look, it was funny at first, but this has got to stop.

Don't you see how crazy this is?

People will be looking for us.

Please, sir, you have to let us go.

[FRENETIC MUSIC]

I got it.

Wait.

Come On.

He's going to-- he's going to cast us again.

Going to pull somebody else into their demented game.

Oh, my god.

You are a diver in school.

How long can you hold your breath?

I wasn't diving for pearls.

Couple seconds.

You have to to try.

[HISSING]

[COUGHING]

Clem?

Clem?

Clem, are you still here?

Love you, too, Brody.

What are you doing? Clem?

Clem?

Where's the scaring, Claudette?

Three-ring circus.

Hey.

Thank the Lord Jesus.

Fonzarelli.

I'm so sorry to interrupt your whole work.

What can I do for you, son?

Let's do this.

You're not going to believe this.

Back that way, there's a couple of filmmakers,

pushing actors to do things that they

never should do under duress.

And they're going to kill them.

I have a feeling they're going to kill them.

You-- you don't say.

How do I-- you look familiar.

How do I know you?

Do I?

You're the killer in Blood Gutter.

I am.

I love it when people recognize me.

[SQUELCHING, GROANING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh, all right now.

Feel it.

[LAUGHS]

[GROANING, GRUNTING]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That's a big prick point.

Oh, my.

Oh my god.

[PIG SNORTING]

[GROANS] Clem?

Clem?

[GROANS] We got a big fucking problem.

CLEM: Oh, yeah?

Did one of those dudes run off?

Yeah. Yeah.

I tried to find him out of the woods.

I couldn't find him anywhere.

Well, I took care of it.

You what?

Took care of it.

He ran up to the Potts place for help.

He did?

And let's just say the pigs got a tasty daily double.

[CHUCKLES]

I love you, you big lug hole.

Demon!

Welcome back.

We have had an intense and dramatic round one.

But let's hear from our judges and a recap, shall we?

Welcome back to Rom-coms Must Die.

Our first round saw Wesley Wagner and Nick

Knight leave the competition.

Next up is our country duo, Amy Anderson and Hank Hanson.

What new surprises await in the next round of competition?

Let's go to our director, who will set the scene.

Oh, yeah.

This show has taken some very unexpected twists.

Jim Donovan unfortunately could not stick around.

He has immediately left the competition.

That creates a very unique situation for us.

So in our next scene, only one of the actors

is going to be advancing to the finals

and will be teaming up with Brody Dixon.

The other person is going to be eliminated.

When I say eliminated, I mean eliminated.

OK, Clem.

Wake him up.

[ANTICIPATORY MUSIC]

CLEM: I think he's got the cue, man.

So this scene is going to be a Romeo and Juliet scene.

In Blood Gutter, upstairs, the basement.

Basement.

[LIVELY MUSIC]

The table looks wonderful, Julie.

Thank you, Ron.

Have you gotten a chance to speak to your parents yet?

Ah!

Oh, it didn't go well?

Why does it have to be so difficult?

Why can't our love just be enough?

It can be.

We don't need their money.

We have love.

You keep talking about all these plans and goals for us,

but they all require money.

Money, we do not have.

My parents don't want us to be together either,

but I don't care.

That's because they don't have anything to hold you back from

or to hold over you.

My parents do.

They know I need that money.

They know that I've got loans and obligations and--

[HUFFS] they want me to marry Megan.

[GASPS] Megan?

They cannot be allowed to control you, to control us.

Can we not talk about this right now?

I've had a rough day.

Not that one.

That's the red.

I got the red for your parents.

I got us the white.

It pairs better with the fish.

I already opened this one.

[LIQUID POURING]

Here.

You look stressed.

Drink this.

I will not marry Megan.

That's all I've ever wanted to hear.

We shall be each other's loves forever.

Cheers.

Cheers.

I'm so sorry, Ron.

What'd-- what'd you do, Julie?

I'm so sorry.

The red-- the red was meant for my parents?

Poison?

[COUGHING, GROANING]

Oh, my god, you killed them both.

And cut.

[LAUGHTER]

That was good, wasn't it?

Not bad, eh?

I forgot I was watching a movie scene.

Yeah.

It's going to make it hard on you two judges over there.

So take five.

And you can see who's going to be eliminated.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Wait.

Wait.

Only-- only one of us can win?

I thought we were a team.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, both of you were mostly great,

but, you know, someone's got to go.

But luckily, we don't have to make that decision, do we, Clem?

CLEM: No, we don't.

AMOS: So take five, judges.

And decide which of these two people

will go on to round three, where it

will be Sugar Woods and Lacey Blythe

versus Brody and question mark.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah!

It's some kind of museum.

Is this all real or some side project for him?

Yeah.

Flying on the convention's dime, do a side project.

Fly out.

Well, I'm getting to the bottom pickle of this barrel.

Welcome back.

Our judges have had time to evaluate the performance,

and now they are going to make a decision.

Someone's mother is going to be extremely sad.

So let's get a decision, Ms. Claudette.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I-- I like them both.

I-- I-- I think they both deserve to go on living.

I don't know why you're doing this.

Oh, because mindless rom-coms and/or senseless

violence is what they want.

We're giving them both.

I-- I can't--

I can't-- I can't choose one to die.

Oh, but you will.

Or Clem is going to come up there and bash

your skull in with a hammer.

[CHUCKLING]

How about you, Mr. Gable?

Are you also having a morality issue

with picking someone to die?

I think based on what I saw, I'd kill Hank.

What? Why?

Wait. Wait.

Wait.

What if I say Amy?

I-- I choose Amy.

Kill Amy.

Oh, that's very, very, very clever.

I like where this is going, Clem.

I like where this is going a lot.

Let the fates decide.

Fate round.

Fate round. - Fate round.

You got the bottle?

Let's do it.

Pour it up.

Pour it up.

Oh, what do we have here?

What do we-- is-- is it this one?

Is it this one?

Oh.

Oop.

Looky, looky, looky.

One of those glasses has actual poison in it,

a poison to kill a large horse, and one of you

is going to drink it down and die for our audience.

You could fuck your game, you know.

Drink both of them?

Well, that would be an interesting twist

and actually quite amusing.

Yeah.

We need a partner for Brody for round three, so pick one.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick.

Pick one.

Come on.

Time's a-ticking.

You have 30 seconds.

[CLOCK TICKING]

Pick one.

No, I-- I can't.

You pick one. HANK: You have to.

Choose. - I can't one.

Or I can shoot you in a nonlethal, very painful kind

of way for not picking one.

So pick a damn cup now.

[TENSE MUSIC]

You didn't drink yours.

Don't like.

AMOS: Oh, guess what, if you don't die,

she's getting a bullet to the head.

[VOMITING]

[SCREAMING]

We have a winner in Amy Anderson.

Round three, she's going to be teaming up with Brody Dixon.

That's right.

She'll be taking on Sugar Woods.

MAN: Sugar!

Sounds like sugar's got a fan.

And the lovely, lovely Lacey Blythe, round three.

It's going to be exciting.

[LAUGHS] Yeah!

[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[TENSE MUSIC]

I'm just checking in on the two of you, but the two of you

need to get in step with one another.

Eat shit.

Oh, as yummy as that sounds, I'm not hungry.

If you're going to kill me, then kill me because I am done

playing your sick, little game.

You're not done.

Have you looked at your lines, your sides?

I'm done talking.

[FRENETIC MUSIC]

You're not making me want to include you

in the sequel, Ms. Claudette.

You got a sequel coming?

Gary, it's a trilogy, actually.

Well, let me do her lines if she's going

to be such a bitch about it.

What did she just call me?

A bitch.

You're a bitch now, you were yesterday,

and you will be tomorrow.

Why is that, because I say no to things?

You take everything that comes your way.

I like the work, and I like my fans.

OK.

You know what, this is getting a little bit personal.

So you guys keep up the energy, keep bonding.

I'm going to go get it set up, all right?

All right.

[CHAINS CLINKING]

Your boyfriend there was pretty quick.

Just not quick enough.

[LAUGHS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

What happened to Kip?

Eliminated.

What?

He's dead.

Dead.

[SOBBING]

Hey, hey, everybody!

Wait a minute.

What the fuck is up with this?

Why is he crying?

He just found out that Kip's dead.

Are we going to do one-on-ones or teams?

Because I don't want his bitch ass on my team.

Kip is dead.

I don't give a fuck that kip is dead.

What if I were to say that it was against one another, huh?

I say bring it on.

Give me Barbie.

Give me this country twat because I'm winning this, bitch.

And I don't give a fuck.

And make sure you keep the camera on Sugar.

I got this.

But you just went.

New round.

All right. All right.

I hear you. I like it.

I like it.

Set these two up.

We're going biblical.

We're going to be in Moab.

Oh, I know my biblical.

Me, too.

Set change.

So this next scene is biblical.

And let's have a little faith and see

who's got what it takes to land a costarring

role in our next film.

Back at you.

Round three.

And we're down to two groups.

We've randomly chosen our partners.

First up, it is Amy Anderson and Sugar Woods.

After that, it's going to be Lacey Blythe and Brody Dixon.

We're going to find out who is a champion

and who's going to be the costar of our feature film.

[LAUGHS] Let the games begin.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

You're a new girl.

Cleaning the field with our master?

Yes.

My name is Martha, and we have traveled so far.

Your master has been so kind to let us take from his fields.

That's none of my doing.

You don't belong here.

You're not one of us.

I would have taken you out.

But we have nowhere else to go.

That's not my fault that he was misled by your words

and your salacious ankles.

BARNEY: What the hell's--

[SHUSHING]

I will get you out.

I'm staying.

Just leave him.

You are guilty of sleeping with another woman's husband.

You should be stoned by the entire village.

I will accept whatever punishment is put forth.

But I am innocent.

I only wish to stay and nestle in the warmth of God's love.

I seek no other earthly affections.

And cut.

Y'all better get those stones ready because I

can act circles around her.

All right.

Call up the judges.

[YELLS] We got a problem, man.

AMOS: Gary!

Gary, can you hear me?

Clem, are you coming?

Clem, get your coat.

Let's go.

[FRANTIC MUSIC]

[SHOOTING]

One big whooping!

That way!

That's an immediate disqualification!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

This Mr. Gable didn't want to be rescued?

Because he's a fucking asshole.

Wanna go back for him?

CLAUDETTE: God no.

Drive.

Get me the fuck out of here.

Drive.

Holy shit!

[GROANS]

[THUDDING, GROANING]

[GROANING]

They cut my face.

I see a barn.

Let's go get help there.

Come on.

Got to move.

[DRAMATIC TONES]

[DOOR CLOSING]

Hey.

Mr. Gable, sir, I just wanted to tell

you what an honor and a privilege it

was to work with you.

Mm-hmm.

I had you figured all wrong, and for that, I

am deeply and sincerely sorry.

Please accept my apology.

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

Take me with you.

What?

The trilogy, I'm in.

Listen, this is by far the most excitement I've had in 30 years.

I'm in.

I'm sold.

You're not fooling?

No, I'm not. I'm serious.

Let's go.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Untie me.

All righty.

Come on.

Let's go.

WOMAN: Amos!

What was that?

Who's calling my name?

[DOOR OPENING]

Come on, Gary.

Amos, I have your boy!

Actually, we're cousins.

Did I ask you?

[SCREAMS] Ah!

Let him go now.

Shoot her.

Not many bullets left.

Shoot me.

Shoot-- let him go.

Or Imma shoot Gary Gable.

LACEY: Thank God.

Please help us.

Please help us.

They shot at you.

It's freezing. Look at his face.

He's got shot. You have crazy neighbors.

We need help.

We need help.

Were-- were you in Blood Gutter?

[TENSE MUSIC]

A lot of people recognize me.

[SHOOTING]

What was that?

12 gauge.

Looky, you two won.

You're the last.

You're standing.

You're going to be stars.

GARY: Yeah.

Being-- being an actor is tough.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You know, I've never felt more alive

facing death than you guys.

You guys are awesome, the pathos, your raw emotion,

everything.

The reads were great.

You-- you're going to be stars.

AMOS: Yeah!

But we have to have the opportunity to edit it together.

I mean, I got big plans, theatrical.

Steady there.

Steady.

We're wide.

But right now, the police are coming to try

to take all our hard work away.

GARY: You don't want that. - No.

I don't want that.

GARY: I don't want that.

I worked damn hard at this.

I want the world to see it.

Oh, yeah.

The world needs to see it.

GARY: I got to tell you something.

You're geniuses.

You're mad geniuses, but nonetheless,

you're damn geniuses.

And there's a trilogy plan.

AMOS: Trilogy.

Yeah.

And you'll be starring with Gary Gable.

That's right, Gary Gable.

Yeah!

Trilogy?

Starring us?

What do you say, girls?

Eh?

What do you say?

Let's do it.

Do it?

Are you going to do it?

All right.

Let's get out of here before the police come.

All right.

Everybody, out of here.

Come on now.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

AMOS [VOICEOVER]: We wanted to make movies,

tell stories, leave a mark.

Turns out the industry is more into gatekeeping than

screenwriting, so we adapted.

One dead uncle, eight contestants,

and Rom-coms Must Die was born.

Not everyone made it, but two did.

And, yeah, the cameras caught everything.

The thing is chasing your passion

doesn't always look pretty.

Sometimes it looks like blood on the lens

and a network exec screaming about ratings.

But we made something real, and we're not done yet.

This was just the pilot, the first arc.

See, setbacks happen.

You pivot, you push forward, and you use

whatever's left in your hands.

Life's got a way of writing scenes

that you didn't audition for.

[THEME MUSIC]

[TENSE MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]