Original subtitles

I think a good sexual relationship's got to be based on honesty and trust and

communication, and if you're madly in love, then it's brilliant.

The thing is, I got lazy with all the women I had before.

It came in the end, and I thought they were OK.

Guess I was a bit insensitive.

Well, most of the blokes I've known seem to think that sex is some sort of race

that they have to get through as quickly as possible.

I feel much greater pleasure just from knowing that she's enjoying herself as

much as I am.

This has always got better and better as our relationship has gone on.

When it comes down to it, sex is, well, an emotional thing.

I know, it makes me feel vulnerable.

I've even been able to burst into tears.

Sex can mean very different things to different people, depending on a whole

variety of issues, such as their gender, age, culture, and religion.

To some, it's simply a physical pleasure with little or no emotional commitment.

But to many others, it's a crucial part of their emotional and physical

relationship with another person.

In fact, in many cultures and religions, Sex is only seen as acceptable in a

monogamous or long-term relationship.

Clearly too our attitudes towards sex change as we age and our personal

circumstances alter.

Throughout life, sex is a subject few are able to learn about or discuss

openly.

Young people rarely receive enough sex education, and unlike just about any

other form of human activity which we learn by watching others, sex is

discovered on a trial and error basis.

Because of this, all sorts of myths and beliefs grow up around the subject, many

of which are exaggerated, or just plain wrong.

This is the fourth in the Lover's Guide series, An Essential Guide to Sex.

You may like to refer to one of the other three Lover's Guides for a more in

-depth view of some of the subjects.

Our aim in this and the other programmes is to open up the subject of sex, to

encourage people to talk about it, and hopefully to gain a benefit from doing

so.

The images are explicit.

but they only portray things which to most people form an intimate, important

and intensely pleasurable part of their lives.

Because everyone is so different, the programme can only give a general view.

You may not agree with everything that is said, or feel that all the sections

are relevant to you, but whatever age or stage you are at in a relationship, or

whether you are between relationships, the Essential Lover's Guide should have

something to offer.

You know I, you know I, you know I'm gonna take my time.

You know I, you know I, you know I'm gonna take my time.

Take it easy, I'm gonna take my time. Making love with

you, I'm gonna take my time.

I'll take my time making love

with you.

Everybody at some stage in their life will probably experience the intense

excitement of a new relationship.

Those first few months can create a multitude of feelings from sheer panic

to high elation.

as each person gets to know the other both emotionally and physically.

Often, if the individuals get on well together, this first flush can extend

for a long period of time and form the basis of a strong and lasting

relationship.

Conversely, it's at this stage that most relationships fail, or one or both

realise they have too little in common and decide they don't have a future

together.

During this formative stage, communication is very important.

Openness about one's likes and dislikes and a willingness to talk freely about

one's feelings can set important precedents as habits and attitudes

become clear.

At some stage, one or both people will start to look ahead.

It may now become obvious that one partner wants more commitment than the

other is willing or able to give.

This is a time... when it makes sense to be honest with each other, so that the

position is clear.

This can be difficult because it probably means sacrificing short-term

happiness to prevent long-term unhappiness.

However, once both sides make a commitment, the relationship usually

becomes deeper and more involved.

This may last for only a couple of months, several years, or a lifetime.

Sexually, this period can often be less frenetic than the first flush, but it

can be a time for reaching a whole new level of intimacy.

Instead of settling into habits, try to be more adventurous.

I think you shouldn't be scared to experiment.

Then you don't get staler in a rut.

You should always keep that spark and excite your partner.

Discover what you both like best in terms of adventurous sex, positions, sex

toys, and so on.

By doing this, you'll maximize your range of possibilities for the future.

However, as with all human behavior, there will inevitably be ups and downs,

even if your relationship is going well.

It may be that one partner will find it hard to be faithful.

If this is a serious problem, it's perhaps better to end the relationship

there and then.

While some people want to have their cake and eat it, it is unwise to be

unfaithful with all the deceit and risks that this involves.

Some couples do get stuck in a rut, though.

They find it difficult to make any real commitment, but equally difficult to

split up.

If this limbo phase goes on too long, Bring matters to a head by talking it

through.

As a relationship matures, many other factors apart from mutual attraction

come into play.

Work and children are just two examples.

Children are, of course, a major commitment for life.

We cannot get divorced from them. They rely on the relationship of their

parents or another supportive couple.

Long-standing relationships can create a richness and depth.

that only time can bring, a true partnership.

Many couples, though, find that at this stage their relationship can get into a

mid-term crisis, the rocky years.

They admit that their sex life just hasn't retained that sparkle of earlier

times, even though other aspects of the relationship may be fine.

For others, sex is good.

but the partnership has little else going for it.

For most though, a sense of solid commitment deepens and enriches the

relationship.

Sex is still rewarding, and when the children leave home, a new chapter of

sexual and emotional enjoyment opens up for them.

People can underestimate just how difficult it is to keep a relationship

alive.

Most people think that once the initial attraction is there, then everything

else will somehow follow naturally.

A relationship has to be nurtured if it's going to survive and flourish.

But the pressures of life are often such that it's the last thing we take proper

care of.

A couple's sex life can often be one of the best indicators of the state of

their relationship.

Sex is really communication.

It's a way of talking to each other.

The eternal question is whether or not it's possible to maintain a strong

element of sexual pleasure and reward for the same partner for 10, 20, 30 or

more years.

Our attraction for one another may be expressed differently over the years,

but physical sex between two people who feel deeply for each other can stay as

good as it always was.

In some cases it can get even better, as the purely physical attraction is

enhanced by deeper emotional maturity and commitment.

Being able to talk openly and freely to one another, particularly when problems

arise, is the key to a good sex life.

If you're close enough to actually make love, then you should be close enough to

talk about it.

If you try and do it without talking, then you're just looking for trouble.

When it comes to sex and emotions, people often find it difficult to talk

openly. This is both because of the subject itself and because of how it

might affect their partner's feelings.

It helps greatly to say how we feel and, perhaps more importantly, learn how to

listen to our partner.

This might mean putting your own thoughts to one side for the moment.

Understanding

And letting your partner know you understand what they are really feeling

and saying is vital to the communication process.

Once you can both trust each other to talk freely and listen to what's being

said, you'll have taken a big step towards forging a happier and more

fulfilled relationship.

Keeping the excitement and pleasure of the physical side of a relationship

alive also takes imagination, creativity,

People tend to think that extra special care and effort is only necessary at the

beginning of a relationship.

All too often, early romantic habits fall by the wayside as the relationship

becomes established and more settled.

This, combined with the pressures of work commitments or a family, often

results in a couple becoming lazy about the amount of quality time they spend

together.

As a result, their intimate lives fall short of what they would like.

Well, my first marriage really flunked because we became total strangers.

Now my new girlfriend and I talk a lot, and as long as we keep on being open

like this, I can't see this relationship really going wrong.

However, An investment of time and attention, despite the pressures, can

nip most problems in the bud.

Couples who do manage to spend quality time together tend to be happier, both

emotionally and sexually.

Romancing your partner can take many forms, and however small the gesture,

it's usually the thought which counts.

Knowing someone truly cares for you in whatever little way they may outwardly

show it is really important in any relationship.

Set aside regular times together, even if it's only an arranged evening in or a

shared lunch break.

Take time to talk and listen to one another.

Keep up the romance in your relationship.

Send sexy letters or flowers, just when your partner least expects them.

Take every opportunity to be physical with each other.

Recreate those courtship days when hand-holding and constant contact were

the norm.

Even if it's just something as simple as stroking my hand, it can drive me crazy.

That's weird, isn't it?

However, just like anything else in a relationship, sex should never be taken

for granted.

Even couples who perceive they have a good sex life always have room for

variety and improvement, and often in ways they never imagined.

If both partners feel secure and confident with each other, then it's

most likely that their sex life will reflect this.

Make time for each other even if it's only a couple of hours to have a

seriously sexy time.

Anticipation can be increased by telling your lover of the plans you have to

seduce them later.

I love it when she calls me at work and tells me how she can't wait to be with

me.

It makes me feel great.

Try not to leave sex until you go to bed at night.

Tiredness can put a stop to physical activity very quickly.

If you have time during the day, take the opportunity and make the most of it.

Occasionally, go even further.

Take a whole day off or go away together for a weekend or more.

One of the best times for great sex is on holiday.

Getting away together is best.

then we can really enjoy ourselves in a way that we never can at home.

Once you have managed to put aside some time and have found a private place, few

things are more erotic than stripping each other slowly.

Stripping for one another can be an art in itself.

Take things slowly, but not too seriously.

Remember to leave the best bit till last.

By this time, you'll probably find that you won't be able to keep your hands off

one another.

At home or at a hotel, don't rush straight to bed but have a lingering

bath or shower.

Soap each other all over.

Dry one another and pamper each other with talc or oils.

I find it ever so erotic to be gently stroked.

I like him licking me and stroking me, and he likes to stroke me, and I love

it.

Why not try massage as a way of relaxing each other as well as seducing one

another?

The very act builds trust in a way almost nothing else can.

You'll both come to feel completely relaxed when naked in each other's

presence.

Massage is also a way of giving and receiving love and pleasure without the

pressure to have sex.

The thing I like about massage is one of the few ways that we can feel that close

and loving and yet not have to go on to have sex if we don't want to.

Make sure you're both warm and comfortable and that the person being

massaged is lying on a flat surface.

The main thing to remember is to keep your hands in constant contact with your

partner's body.

Take your time and maintain a slow, soothing, rhythmic flow.

Above all, enjoy discovering from one another what feels best.

Quite often when I start out, I don't feel at all turned on, especially if I'm

tired.

But after a while and when we're relaxed, I often feel much better about

making love.

Take some food and wine to bed.

Eating and drinking like this can spark off all sorts of interesting activities.

Talk sexily to each other.

There are few people who don't get turned on by hearing their partner

whisper sexily to them.

especially about what they would like to do to them.

And if you're both happy about it, try it out later.

Keep up this enhancement of your sex life, whether you're at home or away.

And remember, it can be a much more erotic experience when you let

yourselves go and act spontaneously.

Whilst an enormous amount is written and said about interacting with one's

partner, it's also very important that we are happy and confident about our own

selves and bodies.

So often a good sex life can be spoiled because one or both partners are

embarrassed about their body.

I think you have to like your body and love your body to appreciate anybody

else's. You can't expect someone to love your body if you don't.

If you have confidence in yourself when you're undressed, I think the actual

aura you give off does help.

Obviously, the way we perceive ourselves differs enormously depending on our

circumstances throughout life.

So much pressure is put on both sexes to be good-looking that it's very easy to

lose confidence.

This can be a particular problem if one partner is overly critical of anything

about the other.

Nature has designed things such that we come in all different shapes and sizes.

True self-acceptance means taking a delight in the things we like and being

prepared to live with those that can't be changed.

It's really worth taking care of your body, particularly as you get older.

Like anything, this will take time and effort, but you owe it to both yourself

and your partner not to let yourself go.

We do like to look nice for each other.

Definitely.

Accepting ourselves also means acknowledging that we have sexual needs,

both individually and with a partner.

Keeping in touch with your own body and sexual responses is both worth doing and

enjoyable, even if you are in a happy relationship.

It's often as important to make special times to pamper yourself as it is to

pamper your partner.

This can be done easily and simply.

It's relaxing, enhances your feelings of self-worth and prepares you for telling

a partner what you like.

Try having a long bath or shower.

Use the time to rediscover parts of your body which are erotically sensitive.

Your nipples, for example, chest, stomach, inner thighs and forearms may

all be responsive to touching and stroking.

Try doing the same using baby oil or talc in the bedroom.

I was quite surprised when I first tried it.

I realized that I'd never taken time to think what I really liked.

That's why I never knew what to say when my boyfriend asked me what I wanted him

to do.

This self-pampering often leads to masturbation, particularly if you let

your mind run riot.

But that's fine, even if you have a great sex life with your lover.

Keeping a relationship alive takes communication and effort.

Couples who are totally in tune with one another can literally make love all the

time, even if they're not doing anything overtly sexual.

No one is suggesting that maintaining a relationship is easy.

We all encounter bad times.

But it would be much easier to cope with any lows and create more high points.

if the foundations of the relationship are strong.

As a general rule, everyone's sex life can be improved simply by prolonging the

time devoted to it.

This doesn't just mean taking longer over having intercourse. It means

spending more time on all aspects of sexual contact with your partner.

This is particularly true for foreplay, a word that's slightly misleading

because it gives the impression that it can only come before something else.

Many couples say that they can have a great sex session without having

intercourse at all.

Certainly great pleasure can come from foreplay alone.

The longer it goes on and the more adventurous it is, the more aroused both

lovers will become.

This can often result in spectacular orgasms, whether they are part of

foreplay itself or intercourse.

Playing around, you know, like kissing and cuddling, often that's better than

actual sex.

Well, the actual sex doesn't always turn me on as much as a good long session of

kissing and playing around.

Foreplay and non-penetrative pleasuring of this kind can start outside the

bedroom.

Kissing is an activity which we all lingered over in our teens because it

was so enjoyable.

Yet it's something many people do less and less the longer they are in a

relationship.

Kissing is an art in itself which can take many forms depending upon the mood

of the moment.

I like kissing.

That's really important because it's proper contact.

Don't just kiss mouth to mouth, but draw your lips across your partner's face to

let the passion build slowly and delicately.

Try running your tongue around your partner's teeth.

French kiss for ages, concentrating on what your tongues are doing.

Gentle nibbling of your lover's lips and earlobes, bites on the neck, can be very

erotic.

Don't just restrict kissing to the face, though.

I just love it when he kisses the back of my neck. I just feel tingly all over

and it's just wonderful.

Kiss the throat, the nipples, the stomach, and then you could even go down

to your partner's toes and feet.

This can be delicious to both giver and receiver.

Small sucks and bites are also very erotic.

Try wetting an area and blowing on it.

Nibble your partner's skin in places they find exciting.

Many men say that their nipples become highly sensitive as they get excited.

To be honest, my body isn't that sensitive, but when she gently bites my

nipples, it just turns me on.

Spend time gently stroking your partner's skin with a feather-like

massage.

Most people agree that it's wonderfully arousing.

Stroke all over each other's bodies.

Find out which parts are particularly sensitive and concentrate on them.

This can really build desire.

When it comes to more intimate foreplay, try to be honest and open about what you

particularly like or dislike.

Genital stimulation in particular is very personal and lovers should take

time to discover what their partner really enjoys.

I didn't used to really know what I was supposed to do with it, so I just

avoided touching it.

The top needs gentle treatment and light tickling can be electric.

especially on the frenum, the vertical ridge of skin on the underside.

If you're going to rub it a lot, use a lubricant or saliva, as this will

increase sensation and prevent soreness.

If you want him to climax, pump down hard.

The grip can vary, but remember, it can rarely be held too tightly.

Even more arousing is really firm but slow masturbation, which will have him

squirming with pleasure.

Some men enjoy a well-lubricated finger on or actually in their anus.

Inside, it allows the woman to rub the prostate gland with the pad of a finger.

It's quite safe, as long as your fingernails are short and you don't then

use that same finger on your own vagina.

Some women, too, enjoy anal stimulation.

This index finger and thumb ring technique can be delicious, as can the

whole hand grip with the thumb trailing over the frenum.

Other variations include rolling the penis like dough between both hands, or

using one to roll it against your thigh.

Caressing the penis like this isn't just great foreplay and a way of bringing him

to orgasm. It can also help stiffen him again after he's already climaxed.

When men try to caress their partners, they sometimes don't realize how

uncomfortable or even painful it can be when done without care.

Most men need guidance at first.

It's very difficult for him to discover how to do it properly just by trial and

error.

I find that even a fraction of an inch can make all the difference.

Sometimes I have to remind him.

Guide his hands and fingers so that he knows exactly what rhythm and pressure

pleases you best.

Show him gently and remember that encouragement always works better than

criticism.

Moaning with pleasure when he gets it right can be so effective.

I had loads of women before I got married, but it's only now that I

realise how much I had to learn.

It always helps to know where everything is, particularly the inner lips,

clitoris and vaginal opening.

Gently stroke the whole pubic area, including the inner thighs and outer

lips of the vulva.

Just above the vaginal opening is the clitoris, which is the center of female

arousal.

When you do start on the clitoris itself, ensure that the whole area is

well lubricated.

It's a sensitive organ and can become sore.

The clitoris itself has a hood which retracts, but once the head is exposed,

it may be too sensitive for direct stimulation.

If this is so, work around its base, rubbing side to side or up and down on

the ridge you find above the clitoris.

Circular movements around the clitoral area can be highly arousing.

Do be guided, though, by what your partner tells you.

She may not want you to put your fingers inside her until other lovemaking has

made her wet enough.

Place the flat of the hand over the vulva so that the ball presses on the

pubic bone.

The other fingers now stimulate the outer lips and the middle finger is free

to be gently inserted into the vagina.

If you want to bring your lover to orgasm by hand, try creating a steady

rhythm with either or both clitoral and vaginal stimulation.

Remember, though, that it's through her clitoris that orgasm is most likely to

be achieved.

You could try using two or three well-lubricated fingers in a firm and

regular rhythm on or around the clitoris.

If this excites her, it is likely to be only a matter of time before she reaches

a climax.

Some women like the stretching effect of two or more fingers, so long as they are

well lubricated, and some have a G-spot on the front inside wall of the vagina,

which can be stroked with the pad of a finger.

It's possible for some women to reach orgasm in this way.

Often people say that watching their partner stimulate themselves is

incredibly sexy.

This can both be very arousing and give you an opportunity to see how your

partner masturbates himself.

There is no better way of learning than by actually seeing for yourself.

This will help you become an expert on your love of arousal and teach you how

to masturbate them as well or perhaps even better than they do it themselves.

We like to watch each other masturbate, and it's fun.

Um, yeah, I enjoy watching him masturbate very much.

It just seems so rude, you know, in a really nice way. It's just so rude.

Some people find it hard to stimulate themselves in front of their partner.

However, if it's done during the course of other foreplay, then it can be much

easier.

Women are frequently amazed at how vigorously men masturbate and how

tightly they grasp their penis.

Likewise, men remark on how gentle women tend to be with themselves and how they

centre most of their attention on the clitoris, unlike male masturbation,

which tends to recreate the movements of intercourse.

She gets really turned on when I stroke myself in front of her.

I think it's really nice that you can do that, be really open and just masturbate

without worrying what to think.

Masturbation can be a whole sex session by itself or part of other sexual

activities.

As with everything, work out what's best for you both and what you both really

enjoy.

Perhaps even more intimate and enjoyable is oral sex.

Both men and women find this uniquely sensual, and for some it may often be

the culmination of sexual activity.

It can certainly be amongst the most erotic.

There are many ways of stimulating a man with the mouth and tongue.

Try drawing the penis in and out of your mouth with your lips covering your teeth

to avoid inadvertent bites.

Roll your tongue around the shaft and head, using it to explore the opening,

but mostly concentrate on the frenum.

That, to him, is like your clitoris.

His sensations will be vastly increased if you flick the frenum rapidly with

your tongue.

Kissing and licking his balls.

and even taking them in your mouth is also very pleasurable for him.

When it comes to orgasm, you could either keep his penis in your mouth or

not, depending on how you feel.

Oral sex with a woman is something to be taken slowly.

Try making it the end point of a carpet of kisses.

Some women are a little embarrassed at the thought of being kissed there, and a

man should do everything he can to make his partner feel relaxed before he

starts.

Kiss the insides of her thighs, around her pubis and then the outer lips of her

vulva.

Stimulate her clitoris with the very tip of your tongue.

All the time stroke and caress her body with your hands.

Move your tongue down to her vagina.

Lick around the lips, then probe inside, beginning an in-and-out movement.

Why not try any number of variations?

You can use a firm lower lip to rub the pubis, tugging at her vaginal lips with

your mouth and gently sucking the clitoris itself.

It's important to remember that the clitoris is usually the most sensitive

part.

Stimulating the clitoris with your tongue, keeping the rhythm steady, but

building is what most women say works best.

One thing to avoid is blowing into the vagina, or down the penis for that

matter. It can be dangerous.

Again with oral sex, remember everyone is different and enjoys different

things. Be guided by what you both want.

Many people believe that the ultimate in oral sex is the celebrated 69 position.

Getting into it as part of romping around the bed can be fun and arousing

for both of you.

The intense togetherness it allows, where both partners give and receive

simultaneously, makes its fame well deserved as one of the most erotic

activities there is.

As you can see, sex is definitely not just about penetration and orgasms.

There's a huge array of sensual and erotic activities to be savoured and

enjoyed.

The key to a great sex life is to keep ringing the changes.

It's easy to become complacent about foreplay as a relationship develops, but

just a little extra time and imagination devoted to foreplay can reap huge

rewards.

To most people, actual intercourse is the culmination of sexual activity.

As we have seen, this needn't necessarily be so.

But there are many forms of penetrative sex which have the potential to deepen

the emotional feelings between two people.

In a lot of relationships, couples tend to settle on two or three lovemaking

positions.

This is fine, but it can be good fun and highly sensual to explore other

variations.

I guess we do tend to stick to the same position, but every now and again we try

something different and it's great.

Best known of all is the so-called missionary position.

It's justifiably popular and makes for close and sensual lovemaking.

However, subtle variations such as the man placing his legs outside his

partner's and using his thighs to squeeze her legs together can add to the

sensations for both.

And putting a pillow under the woman's bottom can increase the depth of

penetration.

the basic woman on top position is a good position for the woman to increase

stimulation to her clitoris there's something really exciting about being

able to look down on him i can watch his face and his excitement for me to be in

control and see the pleasure i'm giving is a special turn on

She can also try sitting facing away from the man.

This is a good position for her to stimulate herself easily, and for him,

if he likes to watch her bottom as she rises and falls on his penis.

can produce wonderful sensations that are difficult to attain in any other

way.

In this position, penetration can be very deep.

A woman can also slightly vary her movements so that his penis comes into

contact with anywhere she likes within her pelvis.

Positions in which the woman is on all fours allow the penis to penetrate

deeply and also to stimulate the front wall of the vagina around the G-spot.

Either can reach the woman's clitoris, and this in itself can make for high

levels of arousal.

This can be exquisite for some women, and a few say that they can only ever

climax during intercourse when using this position.

To stimulate the woman fully in a variation of the missionary position,

there's the so-called clitoral alignment technique.

The man slides forward until his pubic bone compressed directly onto the

clitoral area.

For maximum enjoyment, the woman needs to be highly aroused first.

Whatever position you're in, it can be more arousing for both if the woman

contracts her pelvic muscles on the man's penis to the same rhythm as his

thrusts. And the man can twitch his penis inside the vagina.

a chair provides many enjoyable possibilities for the creative couple in

a position such as this the woman controls things by her movements with or

without his help

facing

away from him allows either to caress her clitoris

This one allows the woman to caress her partner's bottom or even to stimulate

his anal area.

He can move well and his penis pushes deeply into the back of the vagina in an

almost unique way.

This position is actually much more comfortable than it looks.

Because movement is very limited, it's a good position for the man who tends to

come too quickly.

It's easy for the woman to sip forwards onto his penis so that she ends up

squatting over him.

More adventurous is this one, which brings the penis into contact with the

back wall of the vagina.

The man cannot move too much, but an agile woman can make the most of it.

She can easily reach between her own legs and bring herself to orgasm.

However... It's not recommended for a man with a bad back.

This is a very restful position for both.

Either can reach her clitoris.

Either can caress her breasts and she can stroke him.

Finally, this position allows exceptionally deep penetration.

The man can also massage her feet, which many women say they love.

Talk about which positions produce the best sensations for either or both of

you. As with so many areas of our sexual and romantic lives, it all comes down to

a willingness to experiment and to share what you enjoy best.

As you become more experienced with one another, you'll be able to build up a

collection of lovemaking positions that suit every occasion and every mood.

And remember, don't just restrict your lovemaking to set times, set places and

set routines.

Variety is the spice of life and sex with your partner is no exception.

If the mood takes you, then go with it.

I enjoy a lot of different positions, whatever feels good at the time.

Particularly erotic is when a couple get together for passionate and spontaneous

quickies.

It's one of those lightning activities where you both just know you want it,

can't wait, and can't resist giving in to the overwhelming instant desire for

one another.

Short, sharp, and shattering.

Quickie sex can be amongst the greatest moments of lovemaking.

We all find a mass of wonderful sensations in foreplay, lovemaking and

body contact of all kinds.

However, an orgasm is, for most of us, the ultimate response to intense sexual

excitement.

It happens when our body goes into spasm at the peak of sexual tension.

Waves of contractions flood through the body and a tremendous release is felt.

It's a uniquely personal blend of emotional and bodily responses.

It's a big build-up and then it's like a kind of release. You feel really relaxed

and absolutely like no strength left.

The physical characteristics of men's and women's orgasms are essentially the

same.

But the length of time to achieve orgasm, as well as the ability to have

several orgasms in one session, varies greatly between men and women.

If a man is to help bring his partner to orgasm during lovemaking, he should pace

himself. This will solve the problem that during intercourse alone, it takes

a man four minutes on average to reach ejaculation, whilst it takes a woman 18

minutes to arrive at her orgasm.

So what are the characteristics of the male orgasm?

As arousal increases, the heart rate rises to up to double its usual rate.

A few men have a sex flush and experience a considerable increase in

nipple sensitivity.

The scrotum thickens and the testes are drawn more closely into the body.

Sweating, disproportionate to the physical exertion involved, may also

occur and the muscles tense.

If the tension goes on mounting, he reaches a point of no return in the

process of arousal when reflex mechanisms take over.

From then on, for three or four seconds before and then during the climax

itself, a man can do nothing but go with it.

With poor control or a high level of arousal, ejaculation can occur within 30

seconds of erection, though most men take an average two to four minutes.

With good control, a man can delay his orgasms for a very long time.

At orgasm, there are three or four major contractions of the penis, about 0.8 of

a second apart, which then rapidly reduce in frequency and power.

The total amount of semen ejaculated is usually just less than a teaspoonful.

Once the man has ejaculated he may find his penis becomes very sensitive

preventing further stimulation.

When this happens it returns fairly quickly to its flaccid state.

There are ways to learn even more control.

For instance, as you become aware that you are about to ejaculate Either you or

your partner can take the head of the penis between thumb and forefinger.

Squeeze hard and the erection will subside in a few seconds.

Once the man is soft, he can create an erection again and continue.

You can repeat this as often as you like.

Eventually you'll gain better control and be able to ejaculate whenever you or

your partner wants.

You can also learn control by making your penis very wet when you masturbate.

Again, delay coming as long as possible.

Once able to control when you ejaculate, not only will you have better orgasms

yourself, you'll also give much greater pleasure to your lover.

A condom can also be a help.

It simply makes the penis less sensitive and allows more stimulation before

ejaculation.

Whereas almost all men feel a need to ejaculate to relieve sexual tension some

women say that their need for an orgasm is not so compelling.

There are of course enormous variations, but the more women express their honest

views about their sexuality, the more it seems they have a similar desire for

orgasm to bring full sexual relief.

Surveys show that roughly two-thirds of all women don't reach orgasm through

penetrative sex alone.

Some women resort to faking.

Often, though, it is because of a selfish partner who hasn't helped enough

with her arousal during foreplay.

Some say that they can greatly enjoy sex even though they can only have orgasms

from time to time.

But it's clearly important that a climax for her should be an option.

Every woman can discover what arouses her.

She can either do this with the help of a considerate lover or on her own.

I said to one of my friends that I'm not sure if I've had an orgasm or not and

she said well you must know and believe me if you've had an orgasm you would

know.

Once a woman becomes aroused she reaches a plateau of excitement.

If stimulation were to stop at this stage, she could quickly return to the

resting state.

However, if the stimulation continues, there's no reason why she shouldn't have

a climax.

and sometimes a red rash over the top of the chest and throat.

During actual orgasm, the whole body can be seen to contract.

Lots of women cry out as breath is forced from the chest.

The back may arch, feet and toes curl, and around the genitals and anal area,

contraction of the pelvic muscles can be obvious.

The emotional and psychological aspects of orgasm can be as significant as the

physical ones.

Some women experience difficulty letting go sufficiently to reach their climax

and if so, can choose various means of self-help to overcome this.

The main difference between a woman's climax and a man's is that she may take

a much longer time to get to this peak.

Also, once at the plateau phase of her arousal she can remain excited for

considerably longer and during this heightened phase a woman can be re

-stimulated to come again and again something most men can't do once her

orgasms are over it takes a long time for a woman's arousal level to return to

the resting state

When women stimulate themselves, they tend not, like men, to recreate the

thrusting motion of intercourse.

Instead, stimulation is usually focused on the clitoris.

The clitoris is by far the main sexual pleasure center.

Make sure the area is well lubricated, then try all kinds of motions and

rhythms around your clitoris.

Work out what feels nicest and stick with that.

If you do have difficulty reaching a climax, you could also try a vibrator.

Many women find them arousing.

Anyway, take pleasure from the learning process.

This will all add to developing your sexual responsiveness.

Whilst orgasms are important for both emotional and physical reasons, it can

make sense not to make lovemaking too orgasm-centered.

Problems can arise if either partner expects the other to have an orgasm, or

if they demand it for themselves.

Either situation can lead to feelings of resentment.

Be sure to talk about your experiences, and you'll soon come to realize how

similar they are in many ways, and how you can benefit from any differences.

Many couples enjoy adding to their excitement by playing games of various

kinds. It could be said that all love play between two people is a sort of

game, one in which both know the rules and agree to abide by them.

My boyfriend's really into sex games, but I must admit I always thought he was

a bit tacky.

But once or twice I agreed to go along with him, and I must say, it can be a

turn-on.

Dressing up games must be one of the most popular.

When you think about it, in everyday life, we all play dressing games.

For work, for parties and so on.

In a sexual relationship, these dressing up games can take many forms.

You can go for theatrical costumes if you like, doctors, nurses, vicars and

nuns, butlers and French maids, or whatever tastes your fancy.

Part of the fun of dressing up is, of course, subsequent undressing.

A more formal striptease can be great if you are both in the mood.

It's a good opportunity to show off.

Sexy underwear can be a real turn-on for both partners.

Erotic massage is the really arousing version of sensual and relaxing massage.

Let yourselves go with talcum powder, oil, or anything that allows you to rub

your bodies all over one another.

Anything goes in heightening the pleasure for both of you.

Massage each other all over the areas that produce the very best sensations.

The genitals themselves are of course the biggest pleasure center, but the

creative lover teases and explores all around the area, including the perineum,

that bridge of sensitive skin behind the genitals.

This kind of erotic massage can be the starter in a wonderful lovemaking

session and lead on to tremendous orgasms.

Seduction games always come near the top of the list of really good ways to

arouse one another.

Games in which one makes the other do whatever is commanded can be a real turn

-on.

When he has done exactly what he is told, she rewards him with sex, having

made him wait for it.

Bondage is also something many couples find arousing.

Do ensure, though, in any tying-up games that nothing is put around the neck,

nothing restricts breathing, and that you are very clear about signals when to

stop.

I never thought I'd enjoy being tied up, but we were mucking about one day and

she tied my wrists and ankles.

I don't know why, but it was just great being powerless for a change.

It used to be said that such games were more of a turn on for men, but this

isn't the case.

Many women are very aroused even by the thought of having this kind of fun with

their man.

Many people say that seeing their partner this uninhibited really excites

them.

Of course, if a sexy game doesn't increase pleasure, then it's not worth

playing.

If one of you is shy or embarrassed, it could take some time to get used to the

high levels of arousal these games can produce.

Their supposed naughtiness can put people off, but it shouldn't.

Start gently with whatever game you decide to try, and build up to become

more adventurous as you both discover what you like.

At first we just started talking about sexy games, you know, sort of sharing

fantasies. But then we thought maybe trying out the real thing would be even

more fun.

And it was.

Be guided by your feelings and those of your lover, and you won't go far wrong.

Such games are harmless fun, and as long as they don't become an obsession,

they'll simply enhance your sexual pleasure and enjoyment.

Fancy condoms, some incorporating supposed clitoral and cervical

stimulators, are currently in vogue.

They seem to be better for a laugh, though, than for sexual effect.

Obviously intended for fun are these flavoured condoms. You could play lick

and guess safely.

Or with a trusted partner, try the flavours direct without the condom.

I think fromage frais is brilliant because it's not too sweet or sticky.

Using food to increase pleasure can be fun as well as tasty.

Foods such as yoghurt, fromage frais and honey, very sticky, can all provide

tactile as well as oral sensations that can heighten the sensual experience.

Slightly melting ice cubes are a less messy alternative.

Try trailing them slowly over your partner's naked body.

When he runs ice cubes across my skin especially my nipples it really turns me

on and I get shivers all over.

There is now a vast array of sex toys, available by mail order and from sex

shops, which you may enjoy experimenting with together.

The dildo is a more penis-shaped, latex-covered, non-vibrating version of

the vibrator, and is great for those women who enjoy the sensation of

something inside them during masturbation or foreplay with their

partner.

Another stimulating device is this set of love balls.

Inserted in the vagina, they can bring a thrill to such activities as walking to

the station or doing the housework.

This is a cock ring.

It fits around the base of the penis.

It allows the penis to fill with blood, but restricts blood outflow, resulting

in a larger than average erection.

Be careful not to fit it too tightly, though.

or you might end up a very embarrassed casualty patient.

This rather interesting-looking device is a clitoral stimulator.

Most women who have tried them say they are rather more uncomfortable than

stimulating. But see what you think.

Many couples enjoy using their camcorder to video their sessions.

They say it's extremely erotic performing for the camera, and that

watching their activities later on... is much more exciting than any X-rated film

could be.

But sex isn't just a bodily experience.

It often starts in and is usually maintained by the mind.

People are sometimes ashamed or guilty about the raunchiness of their private

sexual fantasies.

The truth is we all use fantasy in our love lives, even if we only do so

unconsciously.

Improving the quality and excitement of your fantasies can help develop your sex

life.

I think people probably are afraid of discussing fantasies because they think

no one else has thoughts like them.

I love to hear what his fantasies are, as long as he goes gently at first.

I used to worry that he'd actually want to act them out, but now I know that

that's not what it's about. We just use them as a turn-on.

The level of anyone's arousal can be vastly increased just by switching to a

better fantasy.

In pacing sex, if you want to try to come together...

Either person can often bring themselves to a higher state of arousal by thinking

of a particularly exciting fantasy.

But never share a fantasy that you think might offend or hurt your partner.

Whether or not you eventually choose to have fun acting out any of your

fantasies will be up to you, of course.

But just because we share something in this way, doesn't mean that we have to

do it in real life.

If I fantasize or she fantasizes, we're not scared to ask each other or act it

out.

As long as we're not harming anyone, and as long as we're both enjoying it,

what's the problem?

Don't be afraid to try out new things together, but don't take it too

seriously.

Included here are only a handful of suggestions for spicing up your

lovemaking sessions.

The most important thing is that you have fun while trying any of them out.

In today's world, it's very rare that the first person you have a relationship

with will become a lifelong partner.

Conversely, many so-called stable relationships end with amicable or not

-so-amicable separations.

Some people prefer not to have emotional ties at all, drifting in and out of

purely physical relationships for much of their lives.

Whatever the reason for being single, and whatever state of mind you might be

in during that time, there comes a moment when a potential relationship

blossoms.

When this is between two people who are attracted to each other, it's probable

that sex will come high on the agenda.

This might be on a first date, or after quite a time of courtship.

Whatever the circumstances, make sure it's what you want and not what you feel

you should be doing.

Saying no will not harm your chances of an ongoing relationship unless you're

saying no to an uncaring person.

When the time to make love for the first time arrives, it's bound to be a bit

nerve-wracking.

But provided it's what you both want, you should be able to overcome any tense

moments.

Don't forget you are totally new to each other physically so it's probably wise

not to raise your expectations too high.

With anyone who seems at all likely to become an ongoing lover it makes sense

to go gently towards intercourse.

By dashing headlong into sex we miss out on a whole phase of courtship.

Some people even today still fall in love too easily.

confusing love with lust.

This can often be an unconscious way of giving themselves permission to have sex

when otherwise they might not.

Those who are looking only for a good time usually just want sex, not a

meaningful relationship.

If this is honestly agreed between two adults, then who is to say it's wrong?

Problems occur, though, when one person has a different view.

For example, one of you could be hoping that things might develop further,

whilst the other may only be out for simple sex, and might even have a

regular partner elsewhere.

Obviously, in an age of AIDS and the need for safe sex, the man must wear a

condom so as to reduce the chances of giving or receiving a sexually

transmitted disease.

It's very important.

It's just not worth throwing your life away over a one-night stand.

It frightens me very much that there are people out there that carry on

regardless.

is for you to stay monogamous for three to four months and then both have an

aids test condoms help protect against pregnancy and sexually

transmitted diseases including aids putting them on as part of foreplay can

be fun not a big issue always use a new one and ensure it's undamaged

roll it over the penis when it's erect and be sure that the condom is securely

on before any genital contact.

As you withdraw the penis after sex, hold the base of the condom so that no

semen is spilled.

Unprotected oral contact with one another's genitals can be risky as the

HIV virus and other infections can be spread in body fluids.

especially if you have ulcers or sores in your mouth or have recently brushed

your teeth producing tiny abrasions on your gums.

Another precaution available is the female condom. This relatively recent

invention is a highly effective barrier to sperm, like the male sheath.

It's worn internally by the woman and gives a very high level of protection

against all sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV and AIDS.

Ideally, the whole issue of contraception should be discussed well

before you start to make love.

Most men are sensible enough to take precautions and so use a condom anyway.

Provided both parties are completely willing, sex within the context of a new

relationship should be gloriously enjoyable.

Both partners are keen to please and be pleased, and if the relationship

continues, then these are the times which should set the pattern for the

great things to come.

Sex plays an important part in most people's lives.

For the vast majority of people, it's an intensely enjoyable and meaningful

experience.

particularly if it's with someone to whom they have a strong emotional

attachment.

We all owe it to ourselves to ensure that sex remains enjoyable throughout

the whole of our lives.

Often, though, as we have seen, many people, for a variety of reasons, let

sex drop down on their list of priorities until, in some cases, it

becomes non-existent.

Naturally, we can't be having actual sex all the time, even in the best of

relationships. But we can make love to our partner in the broadest sense for

much of our lives together.

Of course, there are many pressures which prevent us from doing everything

we want. But with only a little time and effort, sex can be an area we

continually try to improve.

And if we work at making love like this, actual lovemaking together, can only get

better.

If you want to take things further, look at the other programs in the Lover's

Guide series and find the right one for you.

Hopefully, though, this essential Lover's Guide has given you food for

thought and plenty of ideas to help you improve your loving life with your

partner.

I'm gonna take my time making time

with you.

I'm gonna take my time

making love with you. You know I,

you know I, you know I, you know I, you know I'm gonna take my time

You know I'm gonna take my time

Take it easy I'm gonna take my time Making love

with you I'm gonna take my

time Making time with you

I'm gonna take my time

Making love.