Original subtitles

[edgy music playing]

[music fades]

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

-First team's walking. -[woman] Copy that.

Tom, hey.

-Hey. -How you doing?

-Good. -Find the place okay?

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of a maze, but yeah.

Yeah, they don't make it easy.

-Such a big fan of your work. -Oh, thanks, man.

You still do stand-up?

-Yeah. -Really?

[man 1] Tom!

-[Tom] Hey. Hi. -There he is. [laughing]

-Oh, come here. It's so good to see you. -[Tom] Oh! All right.

You feeling all right? Ready to go?

-Yeah, I think so. Yeah. -Okay.

I am so sorry about the last-minute schedule changes.

I know it's a lot to start with the sex scene.

They're always a little weird, but you've done it before, so…

I haven't. This is, uh, this is my first one.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Tom. -This is Celeste.

-Oh, wow. So nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too.

-This is Tom's first ever sex scene. -Oh!

-Barbara just landed. -Oh, fantastic.

Well, you know,

you don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with.

Oh, I'm down for anything.

I just wanna make sure that you're comfortable.

[director] Uh, excuse me.

Everybody, if I could have your attention before we get started on rehearsal.

I'd like to introduce our intimacy coordinator, Barbara.

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

Who's ready to bring this picture to life?

-[Barbara laughing] -[all cheering]

Tom, this is Barbara.

She's here to make sure that everybody feels safe and comfortable.

-[man 1] Ready for first scene. -[man 2] Rehearsal's up.

[woman] Everyone, rehearsal's up.

I just wanted to say, uh, I'm grateful you're here.

I've never done a scene like this, so just, thank you.

Where did you train?

Uh, not like a professional, you know, school or anything like that,

but I come from stand-up comedy and I--

Oh, oh.

A lot of perverts in your industry.

-Mm-hmm. -Uh, there's a few bad eggs, yeah.

I don't know you at all.

I don't trust you, and I go by my gut.

I feel like you're coming at me like I've done something wrong.

Yeah. Well, there's absolutely no funny business on my set.

I got my eyes on you, okay?

Okay.

[scoffs]

Guys! [laughing]

…me up? Okay.

-[man 2] Here we go. -[man 1] Settle in.

-[man 3] Rehearsal's up. -[man 4] Everybody, let's clear.

[dramatic orchestral music continues]

[director] Ready, and action.

-[sighs] Goddamn it. -[melodramatic music playing]

I am such a fool.

Why did we even come to the Amalfi Coast?

There was never any treasure here.

[gasps]

Vera, the only treasure I need is right in front of me.

[music fades]

And it says we kiss?

-[whistle blows] -[Barbara] Stop!

[yells] Stop!

[script drops to floor]

-Michael? -No, I'm sorry, I-I--

This is a symphony.

It is harmonies, rhythms, fortes, pianissimos,

and I am the conductor.

I-I asked-- I asked if I should kiss. I didn't do anything.

You know what? Why don't we…

-Let's move to the next part of the scene. -Uh-huh.

[Michael] The bed. Go to the bed scene?

-Bed scene's up. -[Michael] Yeah.

Look, do you think we can get a different intimacy coordinator?

[Michael] A different…?

Tom, she's the best in the world.

No one makes actors feel more comfortable.

[bell ringing]

All right, now, it's really romantic.

It's sweet, it's sensual.

So you're making out.

-Now? -Action.

[dramatic orchestral music playing]

[music stops]

-[Barbara] I'll take care of it. -[Michael] Thank you.

-[whip snaps] -Ow!What the fuck?

Kiss her. Kiss her.

Are you sure? I just got, uh, some mixed signals from you today.

Kiss her. Kiss her.

[pensive music playing]

-Just… mouth on mouth. -Unexpected. Okay, okay.

Yeah.

-[Tom] Uh, Mike? -[Michael] Yeah.

It-- it says in the script that I… I grab her bosom?

[Michael] Yeah.

I don't wanna do that.

Tom… Tom, it's okay.

-Hit those titties. -[Celeste] Just grab 'em.

Just grab 'em. It's okay.

Come on, Tom. Get in there.

-[Michael] Jesus, Tom, go. -You're so close.

That's my shoulder.

-[Tom] Yeah. -[Michael] Tommy, what's up?

I mean, you know, tits, who's into those now?

-You need me to step in? -[Michael] Please.

I'll play with her tits. Suck on her tits.

Then I'll smack 'em around.

[Barbara] Move over. Get over.

-You want me to roll this way? -[Barbara] No, this is it.

-Okay. -I'll just get in there. Tom, straddle me.

-I straddle you from here? -[Barbara] Mm-hmm.

Do you think you can not get aroused? Be a professional? Be a man?

This is how we did Brokeback, Heated Rivalry.

If you'd ever had any kind of formal training,

you'd know about this.

-And now, I reach my hands up. -Yeah.

-Bring your mouth to my mouth. -Yeah.

-But she's in between us? Okay. -[Celeste] Mm-hmm.

-[Barbara] Oh, this is perfect. -Barbara, that's brilliant. Yes.

What do you think if Vera were to be on top?

-Yes! -That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Okay. [yells] -[Tom grunts]

[Barbara] Okay, Tom, lay it down. Lay it down right here.

-So then if I'm… here. Okay? -[Barbara] Mm-hmm.

-I can't talk like this. -That's great.

[Tom] You're just gonna sit on my face?

Okay, I have his hands. Don't worry.

Tom, no funny business.

Now once Vera is up here and mounted, and then I throw my hair back…

Celeste, just like that.

-[Celeste moaning] -[Tom groaning, muffled]

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -It's like you're carrying the scene.

Everything goes to you.

-[Tom screaming, muffled] -Oh!

-[Tom panting] -[Celeste screaming]

-Oh my God. -[Tom] I couldn't breathe under there.

-[Celeste] Ow! Ow! Ow! -[Barbara] Oh my--

[Celeste pants]

[Barbara] That was a little rough, Tom.

[people murmuring]

I just think I could make it a little more…

…it played like I-- I have to…

[man] We have to start shooting. We've been rehearsing all day. It's crazy.

Could you do, like, an earwig?

[Michael] Earwig? Yeah.

-Yes. Yeah. -Yes.

-That's fine. -Okay, everybody, picture's up.

-We're gonna shoot. -[bell rings]

Tom, um, we're just gonna jump right to the sex scene, okay?

-We haven't rehearsed that yet. -[Michael] I know.

Um, we're gonna give you an earpiece,

and then Barbara is just, she's gonna walk you through the whole thing.

Trust me. She does this in all the big movies. Think of it as a…

Think of it as a rite of passage.

Okay.

-[bell ringing] -[man] We're rolling. Quiet!

We'll do that tomorrow, okay? All right, um…

-The earpiece is weird. -[Celeste laughs awkwardly]

Yeah.

-[indistinct chatter] -[pensive music playing]

[man] All right, here we go.

Are you good?

Yeah. You're really sweaty. He's, like, so sweaty.

Can we get a thing there? Yeah.

-All right, Tom? -Sorry.

-It's okay. -[Michael] You're in love, and you say…?

Um…

"Promise me this is real." Okay, you got this.

"Promise"-- Yeah. "Promise… this is real."

Fucking kill me. No more comedians.

Okay, this is for you, Cosby.

Listen up.

Don't even think about getting hard. Do not get hard.

You fucking pervert. I've seen the way you look at her. [scoffs]

-You understand me, pedo? -[Michael] Let's roll camera.

-[man 3] Rolling! -[bell ringing]

Amalfi Coast, scene 24, take one.

[Barbara] Oh, you just want to dig it in.

She is not one of your whores.

She's not a victim like that. And I'm not a victim.

We are not your victims, Tom.

-What are you talking about? -Tom, keep it together. Come on.

-Stop saying that shit. -[Barbara] I know your type.

"I'm a sensitive guy. I had a single mother."

-"I know what women's lives are like." -Are you okay?

-Yeah. -[Barbara] Oh, remember Mommy?

No, you don't. Because she wasn't ever home.

Mommy didn't come home because Mommy didn't love you.

-Whoops! -[Celeste exhales]

[Barbara] You disgust me.

You make me ill.

-[Celeste moaning] -[Barbara] Clown, comedy.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

-It's all a mask for the monster within. -[unsettling music building]

Action!

Tonight's five nominees transported us

with their spellbinding and often surprising performances.

And the award for Best Actor in a Major Motion Picture goes to…

Tom Segura.

Promise me this is real. [sniffles]

I know it is.

I'm scared.

-[Celeste moaning] -I'm scared.

[sobbing] I'm so scared.

I'm so scared.

[audience applauding]

[Celeste] Unfortunately,

Tom tragically took his life the day the film completed production.

But I'm certain he would want this award to go to his intimacy coordinator, Bar--

[TV turns off]

[door buzzes]

[tense music playing]

[door closes]

[casing clattering]

[gun thuds on desk]

There you go.

[exhales sharply] What the fuck?

What?

Fuck!

Fuck, man! Why'd you shoot him?

-You gave me the signal. -No, I didn't.

-You did your head like this. -That's not the signal.

I thought that was the signal.

That was a nod, you know?

Like, "Hey, hey, what's up, dawg?"

You know? "Hello."

I thought that was, you know, like the signal.

Man, no! I would've gave you a clear fucking signal.

Like what?

Like the signal, man. The fucking…

That's really close to the last one.

Fuck no, it isn't.

They're both head… things.

No, that's-- that's fucking "hello" without saying hello.

This…

This…

Hey, look at me, look at me.

That's the signal.

They're very close.

What are you talking about? They're different!

Fuck, man, you killed my cousin.

That's a 22-year-old Mexican kid, man.

Does that look like the Russian Butcher to you?

-What's the Butcher look like? -He looks like a Russian butcher.

I'll tell you what he doesn't look like.

He doesn't look like my little cousin Juanito,

aka Flaco, aka Moco,

aka Chino from Irvine.

-He's got all those nicknames? -Yeah, man.

And lately, we started calling him Little Buff Guy.

He started working out and shit. He's all into it.

-I can see. -Fuck, Tony. You fucked up, man.

Fuck, man. Fuck!

-Why don't we work on signals? -What?

Yeah, so this doesn't happen again.

Tony, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

All right, we need a clear signal.

[clears throat, sniffs]

-What's that? You're clearing your throat. -But if we know that it means something…

Well, what if you have to clear your throat in real life?

All right, how about, uh…

Uh…

That's a good signal.

Point my finger?

It's clear.

"Shoot him."

[groaning mockingly]

You got another one?

Yeah, how about I just go like this? Hey…

-That works. -Yeah? That's not a fucking signal!

Tony, that's a full gesture!

This ain't The Price is Right. I ain't Vanna White.

Wheel of Fortune.

-What? -Vanna White's Wheel of Fortune.

I'm just saying.

Look, I'm sorry.

Your cousin, I'm sorry I killed him.

I feel really embarrassed right now.

Fuck. You fucked up, man.

You fucked up bad.

This is my fucking family.

Fuck, man. Should be fun to tell his mom, huh?

"Hey, Tía, I picked up Flaco from the airport."

"We came downtown,

and then my colleague shot him in the head when I just said, 'What's up?'"

You didn't say, "What's up." All right? You gave me a signal.

And I want you to know something.

You're making me feel real bad about it.

[cell phone ringing]

Fuck! Well, this should be fun.

She's calling. Fuck am I gonna tell her?

Thank you, asshole.

-Tell her I'm sorry. -Hey, hey, Tía. [laughs uncomfortably]

Uh, no, no, Moco's having a blast.

I mean, uh, uh, he's having fun.

No, no, he's just not answering 'cause, uh, he's getting a massage.

-I'm waiting here in the lobby. -[doorbell buzzes]

They got a really nice lobby.

He's in a deep, like, trance. He might not even call you until tomorrow.

[ominous music playing]

-[door closes] -He's having so much fun.

No, he can't talk right now because there's an Asian lady on top of him.

-It smells like eucalyptus. -Privet.

[man] You know, eucalyptus?

It seems as though people in this city believe you are looking for me.

-[man] Yeah, I'm not sure… -Who are you?

I prefer to ask the questions myself.

-[man] …scrub him, and… -Okay.

You know, bathe him, and…

[cell phone clatters]

[ominous music building]

Shoot him!

[gunfire]

[groaning]

You know him?

[panting] That's my cousin.

This dumb motherfucker thought it was you.

He's Meksikanskiy.

-Yeah? -You ready?

Wait, let me give you the nod first.

Yeah, that's what's up. See? Yeah. Yeah, you get it.

Okay, ready?

It's a clear difference between the nod--

[dark music playing]

[music fades]

-[idyllic music playing] -[rain falling]

[vehicle approaching]

[gasps] She's here!

Phil, she's here!

All right, all right!

[both laughing]

[Phil] There she is.

-[woman] Oh gosh, sweetie, welcome home. -Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey.

-Hi, Dad. -Darling, how are you?

-God, my hair. -[parents laughing]

Almost drowned out there. It's fucking raining.

Oh, you look great.

Mom, I see you decided to cut your hair.

Oh, do you like it?

Uh, yeah. Totally works for you, I guess.

-[chuckles] Thank you. -We missed you so much.

God, I was gone like eight months.

I swear, you guys are, like, so attached.

It's crazy.

Uh, honey, what's that?

It's a tattoo of a heart, and it has the word "home" in it.

I'm sorry, but you know how we feel about tattoos.

You've only got one body.

Oh, wow. So now you have a say in my body?

Why don't you tell me what brand of tampon I'm allowed to use, Dad?

So gross.

Patriarchy much?

[scoffs] I just got it to remind myself where I come from or whatever.

I love you guys.

-Aw, sweetie, that's so nice. -Yeah.

Yeah, no shit. I'm super thoughtful.

So, how was the study abroad program?

-Do you speak French now? -Oh, right!

Uh, oui. [laughs]

It was amazing. So fucking cool.

I'm gonna think about what I wanna do with my major, you know?

Probably gonna switch it up.

Maybe, like, art or, like, math or, like, the trumpet.

I don't know. I'm just evolving so fast right now, it's crazy.

-We are so proud of you. -I know. Anyway, I got you guys something.

It's, like, whatever,

but I figured I'd get you something 'cause you paid for my fucking trip.

Fuck. Where the fuck are these fucking things?

Oh. [laughs]

Caitlyn?

Oh my God, what now?

What is that?

You're so uncultured. It's the Eiffel Tower from Paris.

Ugh.

No, on your back.

[sighs] On your lower back. Is that… Hitler?

Uh, yeah, obviously. What's the fucking problem?

It's Hitler.

Oh my God.

What do you specifically see?

I cannot believe how fucking stupid these two are.

Oh my God.

He's smiling.

Exactly, thank you. Somebody has fucking eyes now, I guess.

"Exactly" what?

He's happy here.

On your back?

[scoffs] It's just showing him in good spirits.

Sweetie… [sighs] …if Hitler's in good spirits,

it probably means he just did something horrifically awful.

[Caitlyn sighs]

Describe his smile.

It's gross.

No, be objective.

Is it bad?

Is it a bad smile, Dad?

It's good?

It's a great smile.

Oh my God.

Admit it.

Okay. All right, fine.

Hitler has a great smile. Is that what you want me to say?

-That Hitler has a great smile? -He's mogging.

-But, honey-- -He's like a low-tier Chad, Dad.

You understand that he is an awful person, right?

-That's like the whole fucking point, Dad. -Okay, good. Great.

Wait, what?

Oh my God. You guys are so fucking cringe.

-You watch your mouth. -I'm not cringe.

All I'm saying is that I got this tattoo

to remind me to be careful in the real world, okay?

Like, I look at it every single day,

and I remember that just because somebody has a nice smile,

it doesn't mean that they're a nice person.

Like, the Führer was, like…

he was kind of a dick.

[thunder rumbles]

Oh no, the power went out.

I guess I'll fix it. I mean, obviously. [sighs]

God, I have to do everything around here. These two are so fucking helpless.

They'd just live in the dark if I wasn't here. Jesus Christ.

[both gasp]

What?

It's glow-in-the-dark ink.

It's super cutting-edge.

Barely anybody has it, except for Rachel Sennott or whatever.

Why the Twin Towers?

Uh, really, Mom? 9/11?

Ever heard of it? This one's super easy.

Never forget what Hitler did, even though he had an amazing smile.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

Did Hitler just wink?

It's animated ink.

Jesus, open your ears. I mean, this one moves too.

[Phil] Oh my God.

Sweetie, please tell me that's not R. Kelly.

Okay, I won't.

-Why would you have--? -R. Kelly is another reminder.

Of what?

To drink water.

So that I pee.

Oh my God.

Why do you need a tattoo of R. Kelly to remind you to pee?

'Cause he's like the pee guy or whatever.

Why is he licking his lips?

-Because his mouth is dry. -[mom sighs]

[Caitlyn exhales in annoyance]

No wonder I'm gonna be the first one to graduate college in this family.

You know what? This has gone far enough. That's it.

-You're getting them removed. -Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Wow.

I knew you'd be close-minded.

Andre said you'd freak out.

Who is Andre?

My tattoo artist.

And my boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

But you came out as a lesbian at Thanksgiving.

Okay, I came out as bi.

And that was mostly for attention. I thought that was obvious.

Andre is an art major.

He's a junior, and he invented the ink.

He also just made Forbes' 30 Over 40 List.

He's over 40?

Dad, you are missing the point.

What point?

I'm marrying into money.

-Oh. -[Phil] Hm.

-College is terrifying. -[tender music playing]

Everybody has a path.

And I don't yet.

Dad, you always said to have a backup plan.

Well, Andre is my backup plan.

And if I get these lasered off, he's gonna think I don't support his art.

And then what?

I'm just stuck with this dumb degree that literally nobody asked for?

Is that what you want?

-Oh, honey, no, no. -No, sweetheart.

-No. -[Phil] Sweetheart.

We trust you.

-We love you. -Yeah.

Yeah. I love me too.

By the way, I also do porn now.

[tender music continues]

[music fades]