Original subtitles

- Oh yes, do your deeds.

All right.

Oh yeah.

Ooh, it's working now.

- I found it, this is the place.

- Are you sure this time?

- Yes, I'm sure.

He'll get a good week's rest.

- He's been cooped up down in that basement

for a couple of days now, mixing these chemicals and stuff.

I don't know.

- Now dear, I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

- Oh, my beautiful.

- Well, just think of the many benefits to mankind

that his formulas could end up doing.

- Silas?!

- Silas, are you all right?

- I'm fine.

Just fine.

- Wait just a minute, your mother has a surprise for you.

- Just fine.

- He'll have a wonderful time.

- Oh, that is just perfect.

Now this will never do.

Oh no.

The phone?

- Hello.

- Hello, is this mountain hideaway?

- Yes, yes, this is Mountain Hideaway.

How may I help you?

I'm very sorry, there's just a bit of a distraction here.

How can I help you?

- Do you have any openings for this week?

I know it's short notice.

- Well, actually, yes we do.

We have two rooms left.

- Well, that sounds nice.

My son would love to stay for the week.

He's a brilliant scientist, you know.

- Hmm, that's interesting.

- My son is more of an agricultural scientist.

- Oh, well, that's very nice.

So will you be paying by cash, check, or credit card?

- We'll pay by check if that's all right.

- Oh no, certainly that's fine.

- You know, I don't think he'll be able

to arrive for a few hours.

Is that going to be a problem?

- Oh, no, no, no, no problem at all.

Actually our other guest is going

to be arriving any minute now.

- Yeah, Doc.

Yeah, I know, I know I need to keep

taking my pills, I understand that.

Yeah, I know, I know not to get angry.

I know, I won't get angry, Doc!

Okay, all right, look, I just thought it would be nice

to get away, go to a nice little place,

a little rest, relaxation, you know.

Okay, all right, thanks Doc, okay.

Talk to you later, bye.

- Welcome to The Hideaway,

the last place you'll ever stay.

- Huh?

- Oh, I'm sorry, silly me.

I meant to say the best place you'll ever stay,

to relax, that is.

Well silly, come on in.

- Nice place you have here.

Seems like a nice place to relax.

You know, being out on the road with the boys is one thing,

but just having a place to come up and relax

and do nothing is pretty nice.

- Well, thank you very much.

I like to think of this as a nice alternative place

where people can just get together

and give it to each other.

- What?

- I'm sorry, did that come out the wrong way?

I don't know what's gotten into me.

I meant to say, I like to think of this

as a nice, relaxing place where people can all be together

and just be in harmony with Mother Nature and each other.

- Okay.

- So you're a wrestler?

- Yes, I am.

Actually I was doing pretty well.

Just needed a little break, that's why I'm here.

- Yes, wrestling does seem like it's a tough profession.

Men in tights sweating and grunting and all that.

- Well now, you know, it is a multimillion dollar industry.

- With men in tights.

- It makes me as popular as a movie star, babe.

- What kind of movies would feature

half-naked men grunting, sweating,

rolling around with each other.

- You know what, this is pretty serious stuff.

And if you don't know what you're doing,

you can get yourself pretty hurt, trust me.

- Oh, I'm sure wrestling is dangerous.

Pish posh, I can do these moves all by myself.

Oh.

- What is it, you all right?

- I sometimes get images.

I'm sorry, nevermind.

Why don't we just take a look at the house.

And this is the living room.

And this is the bathroom.

- Wait a minute.

- I'm sorry, I don't allow drugs in here.

- No, no, no, no, no, you got it all wrong.

These aren't the kind of drugs you're thinking about.

My doctor prescribed these.

It's to help my condition.

- And what condition is that?

- Spontaneous combustion.

- Aha, well, let me show you to your room.

And this will be your room.

Please enjoy your stay.

Breakfast will be served at 8:30.

- Thank you.

- Let's see what we got here.

Just unpack a few things.

Get out my prize possession maybe.

Oh, there you are, come here, you.

Yeah.

That one there.

And put this guy

right about there.

And oh yeah, right here.

I'm gonna have him look at me while I'm sleeping.

There you go, yeah, baby, all right.

- Got a lot of gas on a match.

The less said the better.

Get out of the '70s.

Pathetic.

Condominium,

shopping mall,

parking lot,

parking lot.

Oh yeah,

lots and lots of real estate.

Now, if I could only get that incense-sniffing,

broccoli-eating bitch to sign on the dotted line

I'd have that property.

- Would you like some more broccoli and cheese,

Mr. Tight Ass?

- Actually, it's Titus, but,

I'll tell you what, why don't you just call me Tony.

And no thank you, actually the incense is making me

lose my appetite a little bit.

I guess you can kind of say I'm,

I guess you can say I'm incensed (laughs).

- Right.

Do all us you wrestlers have such a bad sense of humor?

- Well, what have we here?

All right.

- Well.

- Afternoon, Missy, my name's Jackson P. Jackson.

- Hello, very nice to meet you.

So what does the P stand for?

- Pissed off right now because I can't find a room for rent.

Got one?

- Well, as a matter of fact, yes,

the Longhorn Room is still available.

It has a wonderful musky aroma, reminiscent of...

- Yeah, yeah, look, I ain't looking for a history

of the prairie, just give me a freaking room, all right.

What did you say your name was, Gail Moon?

- Jade Moon.

Well, yes, you just need to know that this is a place

where you can relax and unwind just away from it all.

So just calm down, relax, and picture your stress

just floating away like smoke from incense.

- Man, it's getting warm in here.

- Hey, you look like a smart boy, you own a house?

- Well, no, but I'm kind thinking about getting one.

Do they build houses without heating systems?

- But actually I do know quite a bit about housing.

I am a multimillion dollar real estate agent.

Ka-ching.

- Why did you say that?

- Say what?

- Ka-ching?

- I sell houses, that's my middle name, ka-ching.

- But I thought your middle name was pissed off.

- Not for long.

- Hello, Roger?

Yes, it's Jade.

Roger, thank you so much for allowing me

to have your cell phone number.

I have a problem, I really need your help.

Yes, it's carpenter ants.

No, not like last time.

Well, yes, if you can,

I need you to come to the house and I need you to put down

some ecologically friendly poisons

around the outside of the house.

Do you think you can do that for me, Roger?

Oh, wonderful, thank you so much.

When do you think you could be here?

My, that's quick.

Well, Roger, you are a dear friend.

Did you hear that?

- No.

Oh no.

- Goddess my, bless the goddess of the sky.

What on Earth happened here?

- Oh, sorry.

I guess I dropped my scientific experiment, I mean my hobby.

- Well, we better get this cleaned up

so it doesn't kill any of my plants.

You must be Professor Purcell.

- What gave it away, the lab coat?

- Why don't you come on in, put your things down.

Well show you to the room and you can relax.

- What's that?

- It's called a beer, man.

- Beer?

- Geez, is this guy for real?

- What's this beer for?

- Here you go, man, just drink it.

- I'm not going to drink something that you just handed me.

I don't even know you.

- But we're all guests here, you can relax a little.

- Well, other students were drinking this

while I was getting my doctorate.

I guess one won't hurt.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow up there, buddy.

We got plenty where that came from, man,

the night is still young.

- Well, that was enough for me.

I'm ready to head home and continue my work.

- Don't be silly, you just got here.

There's plenty more excitement this week.

- Hey guy, wake up, you're not in your lab now.

Come on, leave your experiments behind for a week.

- Lab, experiments, yes.

Hmm, yes, yes.

I do believe there's more active material.

- Well, we've certainly gotten off to a great start.

Let's say we clear that alcohol out

with a nice stroll down the road.

- Ah, fresh air, not as good as recirculated mall air,

but it'll do.

- Yes, that sounds fine.

- That's Roger's truck.

Well that's odd, I don't see him anywhere.

- Oh look at this, in here we have

a beautiful fine caterpillar.

Look at that, and how are we today, Mr. Caterpillar?

- Is she always like this?

- Whoa.

- Where's your troop, Private?

- I, you, I beg your pardon.

You're on my property, sir.

- I don't recognize you from the other squad.

- Where did he come from, Operation Forest Storm?

- I should carve you another chin for saying that.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm in the middle of a TV reality show, Last Man Standing.

A military survivalist show where we vote

the weakest connection off at the military file council.

- Oh, this is just perfect.

- Not on my property without my permission.

This is my earth and I don't care what some

reality show participant...

- Shut your trap, lady.

- Hey, don't pressure the little lady.

I'll do a half nelson on your punk ass.

- I got a game to win and I'm not letting anybody

get in my way.

- With an attitude like that,

I would have voted him off first.

What's your name, soldier?

- Wang.

- That's no surprise, what's your rank?

- Major.

- Major Wang?

Name fits you like a glove, man.

- So what's the prize?

- 500 Gs, more money than I'll ever see.

Are you getting this?

- Well, that prize sucks.

- Hey, there's nothing I wouldn't do to win this game.

I've already beaten up a 62-year-old competitor,

stolen panties from a young private

and blamed it on someone else,

and I started the rumor to break up an alliance.

It makes for really good TV.

When you reach my rank, you give 100%.

- Yeah, with a name like Wang I'd imagine you get 100%.

- Shut your wordhole, private.

I don't see you fighting for the United States of America.

- Shouldn't someone go and see what's happening.

- Why don't you go?

- Because I'm trying to take it easy, dammit.

I'm on vacation.

- That's a good enough reason for me to stay.

- Maybe this is part of the show, I mean,

is there anything that these reality TV shows wouldn't do?

- Yo guys, this may be for real.

- Death is real. - That's a downer.

- Well, we must help that poor man.

After all, he is one of nature's creatures too.

- Something's coming.

Whoa.

- Oh my God, I think he's in shock.

- Someone's gonna break that glass one of these days.

Hey Missy, nice day to chop wood, huh?

- Has to get done.

- Yep, a lot of wood around here to cut.

- I only take that which the forest will reclaim.

I do not destroy living things.

- Yeah, sure, whatever.

Hey, you know, though,

in order to make other living things grow and prosper,

some old living things should be, you know, moved aside.

- I don't follow you.

- Like for a family, for instance,

They get bigger, they need a house,

they raise a family, they need a place to live.

- There's plenty of housing south in the city.

- You know what they say about cities,

overcrowded, overheated, not like the suburbs,

not like new untapped areas.

- Mr. Jackson.

- Jackson, please, just Jackson.

- Jackson, if you are trying to convince me

that selling this property will bring me any benefit,

don't bother, better men have tried.

- Hey, now, don't get me wrong.

I don't want to convince you to sell.

- You don't? - No, I want you

to convince yourself.

I mean, look at this property, immense, tree-covered.

Think of the revenues alone in taxes

from shopping malls and restaurants.

Hey look out Mall of America, here comes Mall of the Woods.

- You're pathetic, you don't even know

what's in these woods.

- Well, it just so happens I do.

You spoke of better men than me,

who do you think trained them?

It was me, sweetheart.

And don't think I don't know my way around here.

I've been watching the hills and valleys for years.

I know them just as well as you

and some trails you've never heard of,

quick access roads down the mountain,

I know about them.

Yup, I know them all.

I could be out of here in five minutes if I need to be.

Believe me, I've had information on you for years,

a file if you believe it.

- A file?

- That's right, your parents, your grandparents,

you don't think you're the first one

we approached, do you?

Come on, don't be so naive.

This little property of yours is going to fall, sweetheart,

mark my words.

One of these days, I'm going to collect.

- Jackson, believe me when I say

Mother Nature collects on all of us.

- Did he just scream?

- Everyone screams for ice cream.

- Any change? - No, he's just been

sitting there until about a minute ago.

- I know something I won't tell.

- What's his problem? - I don't know.

I've been trying to ignore him.

- Maybe he wants to watch TV.

Why don't you put in the tape.

- Good idea.

But maybe we should get some of the blood

off of his tape first.

- Well, it's day 28.

These lazy kids are really getting on my nerves.

Sometimes you gotta be mean to get what you want.

And I know those four broads are planning on

voting me out next.

So I'm taking a preemptive strike.

See these, all gone.

So I know they won't be making reveille at zero 500,

instant disqualification.

The Wang will hang around another day.

- Brilliant.

Wonderful.

- Silas, what are you talking about?

- You'll see.

- See what?

- It's nothing more than an unedited TV show.

- Not like wrestling, now that's entertainment.

- Don't be stupid.

This is probably one of those reality game show ploys.

I mean, come on, they're probably filming us right now.

- You know, this is ridiculous.

I'm sorry, but I've never even heard of this show,

let alone know that they've been filming out here.

- You're all going to crack.

- What is he talking about?

- Man, he's really starting to weird me out.

You want me to put a sleeper on him?

Just give me five minutes with him.

- I don't think that will be necessary. Titus.

I mean, Tony, you know,

I think we all need some nourishment.

Why don't you let me whip up something real quick.

See, look how lovely, why don't we,

I'll make these up.

They're beauties, aren't they?

Mmhmm.

- It's them. It's them.

It's them, it's them,

they're the ones that killed Bruce.

- Hey, hey, what's wrong with you, man?

- They're the ones.

- Yo, you want some, you some want of me?

How about I try out my new finishing maneuver

on you, Captain Dick.

- You know, if you didn't like mushrooms,

you could have just said so.

- I think his name is Major Wang.

- I don't give a rat's ass what his name is.

- You don't understand, I saw them.

I saw them kill Bruce.

- Who the hell is Bruce?

- The camera man who was filming me, the TV reality show.

- Who killed him, who killed Bruce?

- They did.

- Man, this is too much drama. I'm outta here.

- Damn, you're a big sucker.

Come here, little guy.

Ah fuck.

Oh man.

Ah.

- What happened, dropped your beer?

- No, army boy was right.

- What, they're taping us?

- No, you moron.

It's the mushroom, it tried to kill me.

- Tony, mushrooms don't kill people.

People kill people.

- Oh yeah, how about telling that to the thing

that did this.

- Wow, this is going to lower the property values

in this area.

- Well, I tried to tell you.

- This is absurd.

I am telling you, nothing is going on out there.

- Why don't you go out in the path

in your own yard, Miss Know-It-All?

- This just can't be happening.

Nature is not this cruel.

- What do you call this, lady, a walk in the park?

This is some vacation.

- What we need to do is just relax.

- You won't be able to relax.

- Oh, this thing itches.

Oh.

What the hell are you doing?

- Hey, what are you doing?

- Shut up, I know what I'm doing.

- This just cannot be happening.

I have lived here for 12 years.

My parents, my grandparents, they owned this land as well

and nothing like this has ever happened.

Now, everybody just calm down, relax, take a shower,

read a book, I don't know, just relax.

- Keep a good firm grip, not too tight,

just a nice firm grip on it.

- See where I work, we like to swing chairs.

It's a little different.

- This is a little bit more finesse.

You got my finger on that one.

- Well, it certainly is nice to see you

up and about and feeling better

and releasing some of that pent-up aggression too.

- Hold.

Thanks, I am feeling better.

And about earlier, I'm sorry.

- That's all right.

You've had a tough day.

Well, it looks like you're quite the studied martial artist.

- Well, in the Marines we have to be trained

in hand-to-hand combat and sword fighting.

So I've been studying for over 20 years.

- Wow, that's impressive.

Maybe you can show me some moves.

- Sure, I'd be delighted.

But I wouldn't think of girl like you

would need any protection up in a place like this.

- Hey, a girl can never be too careful.

Besides why don't you come in for some lemonade,

it looks like there's a pretty nasty storm brewing.

- Sounds good.

Thank you, ma'am, this is so much better

than being in a foxhole.

- And here you'll have more than one buddy with you.

- One more crack like that

and I'll slit you from gut to gullet.

- I think I agree with you on this one.

Why don't we just bury him somewhere?

- Yeah, like someplace dark and moist.

- What is it with you?

You've been an asshole for some time now.

Maybe I should teach you some manners.

- You've already done your teaching.

- Enough with the drama already, Silas.

What are you talking about?

- I wanted to give a gift,

a gift that no other creature has on this planet but us.

- Say again. - The gift of learning.

If I could get them to listen, to think,

they could grow better and faster than ever before.

- Get who to learn?

Are you talking about your research?

- It's much more than research.

You could say it's fatherhood.

- What the hell was that?

- Stay here, I'll check it out.

Jade, you got mushrooms outside.

- How did this happen?

- I know how, I know how, I know how, and I won't tell.

- You're dead, civilian.

- Come to me, come to me, come to me, your master!

All right.

Ooh, I got you that time.

Oh.

Aw.

No, I don't have any queens, go fish.

And deep in the woods on the old compost heap,

the little mushroom lived happily ever after.

- He's crazy, I say we kill him.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, cool it, Wang.

Not until I get a piece of him first.

- You don't understand, but I do now.

You see, they learn,

they absorb the knowledge that the host had.

It's not just feeding.

It's being and learning.

- Man, I can't believe I thought coming up here

would actually relax me.

You know what, you're all nuts.

- Well you know, we never had a mushroom problem before.

- Well, if it bothers you, why don't you leave?

- I'll tell you why.

Well, because I paid in full and that's why.

- Why don't you go look outside?

- Don't be absurd, that's how people

get scared in horror movies.

- Fine, why don't you go out the front door?

- All right.

Not a good idea.

- What was out there?

- I say we waste this idiot.

- I'm not leaving my house when...

- What was that?

- I don't know, but it's really starting to piss me off.

Jesus, where are my pills?

Get out of my way.

Oh yeah.

- It's all coming true.

Don't you understand?

The cameraman, he knew the major.

- And Roger.

That's it.

They must have gotten him, too.

I mean, why else would his truck be parked outside,

yet he's nowhere to be found?

He knew this house like the back of his hand.

- No, no, stop.

- What the?

- Knock it off, it's only a mushroom.

- Are you all right?

- Where were you? - I was in the can.

Did I miss anything?

- Oh my God, they're everywhere.

- I'm just here, drinking my beer.

Well, hi, little fella.

Now what are you doing here all the way in the woods.

You going to come and give an old camper some company?

Come here.

Well come on, come here.

Yeah, come here.

Yeah, let me see you.

It's okay, come on.

Come on, aren't you a cute little thing.

Well come here, let me pet you.

- Never should have started running.

- Hey handsome, looking for a good time?

- How did that thing know how to fight me?

- Don't you see?

When it bit you, it absorbed your blood and your knowledge.

- That's it.

I get it.

The mushroom, when it bit Titus,

it absorbed his knowledge and replicated it.

It became a fighter just like Titus.

- They are amazing creatures.

- Is that what your formula does?

- That and more it seems.

- What the?

Lady, you should look in your toilet,

'cause you got mushrooms in there, got news for you.

- Oh don't be ridiculous.

- What the hell? - It looks like

they took out the power. - They can do that?

- Hang on, the generator will kick in any minute.

All right, I'll get it.

- Need my help navigating in the dark?

- No, thanks, I know the place

like the back of my hand.

Ow.

Oof.

Ow.

- That is enough of this.

Somebody has got to take care of things around here.

- Don't be absurd.

There's too many of them out there

and they're all over the place.

- Well, guess what?

Y'all can sit here and let them tear you apart.

But if I'm going down, I'm taking a whole lot

of them bastards with me.

Mother.

- You son of a bitch,

you did this, didn't you?

- It was the formula.

My experiments were a failure.

For years, I struggled,

saving money working in my parents' basement,

developing my formula.

I wanted a chemical that could be used to control creatures,

rewriting their DNA.

When I arrived here, however,

it was by fate that the mushrooms were the first subjects.

- You know, I almost choked on a mushroom once.

It was during a match in my tour of Japan.

- The other Marines put mushrooms in my boots in bootcamp.

Scared me when I put my boots on at reveille.

- I went to a restaurant one time

that didn't serve mushrooms.

- You know, I tried to sell a mushroom farm once,

but nobody wanted to buy it.

I can't believe we're just stuck here.

We've got to do something.

Does anybody know anything about mushrooms?

- Mushrooms and fungi recycle

dead organic material into useful nutrients.

- Well there's plenty of dead material on the forest.

- Yes, but in some cases,

the fungus won't wait for the matter to die.

The fungus becomes a parasite feeding off

of another being or host.

- This would explain why they're trying to get in here.

- But why do there seem to be more and more of them?

- They reproduce by releasing spores from their bodies.

They get into the air, are carried off by the wind,

start a new generation of fungus.

10,000 species in North America alone.

- Maybe we can eat them.

- Don't be an idiot, how would we cook them?

- No, it's a possibility.

There are over 250 edible variations of mushrooms.

- That fucker took a bite out of me,

maybe turnabout is fair play.

- But many others can be deadly if ingested.

- Yeah, well those bastards sure are deadly.

- My God, if they reproduce by sending their spores

in the wind, then where the spores land on people...

- They'll be everywhere.

- We have to figure out their weaknesses.

- They grow by a combination of day length,

heat, and humidity.

And they digest food outside of their bodies.

Maybe this is a key.

We need to somehow block the digestion process.

- And listen up people,

we only have a few hours 'til dawn.

When the sun's up, we're out of here.

- Major Wang is right.

We have to hold out here for now.

If we can keep the house sealed up 'til morning,

we can escape then.

- Let's get to it.

- Man, they're fast.

- Everyone up.

- Oh man, I don't do anything unless I've had my coffee.

- Don't start with me.

There's no time to waste, let's go.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I'm not doing anything until I get

the daily real estate section.

- That's it, we have to get out of here.

- That won't do any good.

- I have had enough of this.

Let's kick some fung-ass.

- I'll go first, I'll cover you one at a time.

- I told you, I told you.

It's too late, don't you see?

They've learned all that you've learned.

- Let's go.

- Titus.

Ow.

- Let's go.

Let's go. - Wait a minute.

What's this?

I have an idea.

Did you see that?

- What?

- The vinegar. - Apple cider?

- No, balsamic.

- That's it.

Of course, they'd have an aversion to that.

- It looks like it killed them all.

We have to get more.

- Is there any stores around here?

- Not for miles. - We're doomed.

- No, don't say that.

I have a barrel of balsamic vinegar in my basement.

- You have a barrel of balsamic vinegar in your basement?

- That's one of my hobbies.

- Okay, don't tell me anymore about your hobbies.

- Whatever, let's just get back to the cabin.

- Would you people make up your minds?

- There's too many of them.

- I'll hold them off, you guys go.

- But you'll... - I know what I'm doing.

Just go.

- Damn.

Well, this is our only hope.

I mean, I don't know if the barrel will kill all of them,

but we don't know how far this thing has spread.

- Well, if we can cap the barrel,

light it, it'll build up pressure,

it'll explode and spread to them all.

- I sure hope so.

- Let's go.

- Hurry.

- Hey, what happened to?

- It's in here, we need to get the barrel out.

- I have a fuse, we'll light it from here.

- Let's do it.

- You know, I really feel guilty about this.

I mean, this book does our experience absolutely no justice.

- Hey, I don't give a damn.

It's better than my military pension.

- This is true.

- Would you sign this?

I can't believe the experience that you lived through.

I don't know how you lived to write about it,

how you could stand to write about it.

- Well, it was very difficult.

And some people laugh at us because we fought mushrooms

but hey, we lost a lot of friends that day,

- Yeah, but we prevailed at the end through it.

- Can you sign the cover?

- Certainly.

- An apple a day

will keep everyone away.

♪ In dark and heat ♪

♪ Beneath your feet ♪

♪ Reach to the sky ♪

♪ Don't try to hide ♪

- Just try some.

- What's this beer for?

- You drink it.

- You didn't say your line,

you're sitting there snickering.

- What am I supposed to say,

am I supposed to say something?

- Yes. - I thought that was my line.

- And action.

♪ Spells doom, doom, doom ♪

- Oh sorry, I guess I dropped my scientific experiment.

Sorry.

- Is that what your fang formula,

♪ Fungicide ♪

- Well, yeah, line.

- Now where the hell is my Evian

and green M&Ms?

♪ Mushroom you've ever hard ♪

- Oh man.

This is fucking great.

- Well, I'll eat it.

- All right, let's try it again.

- Come on, Dave, on the attack, come forward.

- I don't even know where things are.

- Don't throw it back, I'm gonna spit it out.

Spit it out.

- Spit it out.

Spit it out.

- Oops, I split my sleeve.

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to finish this.

- Now shut that off.