Original subtitles

Disclaimer Voice: The following is a fan-based parody. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA, and Reki Kawahara.

Disclaimer Voice: Please support the official release.

*Kirito grunts loudly, attempting to stab a stone door*

Kirito: Yui, what the heck is going on?! What is this?!

Yui: Hmm…

Yui: (cute, but horrifying revelation type of gasp)

Yui: It would seem that this door was never meant to be opened by a player.

Yui: It can only be accessed by a system administrator!

Kirito: Well, that’s flippin’ stupid!

Kirito: (Mind Gears begin to turn) Wait… wait yeah, that IS stupid!

Kirito: Why is there even a door here in the first place?! Is it an employee entrance?! It’s not like they need to commute!

Kirito: It’s a digital space! They could just log in directly!

Yui: Daddy, the droids are massing.😐

Kirito: Oh my gosh… Yui, we’re walking into a trap!

Kirito: I mean what kind of moron would put their evil lair on a public server where randos can photograph it?!

Yui: Uh huh. Hand me the key card, please?

Kirito: He could have put it on a private server in a basement somewhere and I never would’ve known!

Kirito: Geez, did I really believe he just engineered the only way I could possibly stop him?!

Yui: Daddy, you are overthinking this.

Yui: I believe whoever designed this place simply has no idea how computers work.

*Yui stares at the camera in judgemental silence😒*

Kirito: He must have sent Tiff that screenshot himself to lure me here! But then, why the real door?

Kirito: I keep trying to wrap my head around it but nothing fits! None of this makes sense, Yui!

*The Administrator access stone door that is in a public lobby for some reason opens up*

Kirito: (Rightfully skeptical) I don’t know if I have the strength to face whatever lies beyond…

Yui: For cripe’s sake, Daddy. Give me your hand.

*Yui and Kirito abscond into the Administrator's realm*

*🎼A Real Life - Greek Fire plays🎵* "Can we live a real life?"

🎼"A real life; Do we even know what that means?"🎵

🎼"Can we live a real life; and know people outside machines?"🎵

🎼"Can we live a real life between the devil and the digital sea?"🎵

Asuna: *groan* How long does it take to open a fudging door? What, did he stop for ice cream?

Kirito: *Asuna Gasps in surprise* Well, if that’s your attitude, I’m not sharing~

Asuna: *gasp* Kirito, you-

Asuna: *Tearfully surprised😭* Yui...?

Yui: (Easily breaking the door off the birdcage) Mommy!

Asuna: Yui! How are you here? How are you alive?

Kirito: Uh, as your attorney, I advise you not to answer that.

Asuna: (Re-composing) Well, hey there, beautiful.

Kirito: Back at ya, handsome.

Kirito: I got molested at the fairport for you.

Asuna: What did that have to do with saving me?

Kirito: (Quivering) I love that you ask these questions. I missed you so much.

Kirito: *sniff* -Ugh and apparently so has your shower.

Kirito: Cripes, baby! How are you this ripe?

Asuna: Dude, I know! It’s not like I sweat in here!

Asuna: He’s adding it in for his own sick pleasure! It’s like he built this cage to lock in the-

Sugou: (Off-screen) FLAVOUR!!!

*Sugou laughs maniacally as his trap activates*

*Kirito, Asuna & Yui gasps and strains as they’re being crushed*

Kirito: Yui, quick! Get us out of here!

Yui: I cannot! The system is… I think I may be dying!

Yui: It is not a joke this time!

*✨Yui Sparkles Away✨*

Asuna: This time?! What the heck does that mean?! Kirito, explain!

Kirito: I knew this was a trap! You didn’t fool me, Sugou! I walked into the lion’s den with open eyes!

*Kirito groans as the gravity intensifies*

Sugou: So you came after all. It seems like someone doesn’t know how to take a hint.

Kirito: You kidding? Y’think I’d miss this party?

Sugou: Nuh Uh. I distinctly recall telling you that you were not INVITED!

*Sugou sadistically kicks Kirito*

Asuna: I warned you, Sugou! If you touch one hair on his-

Sugou: (Erotically grinding his boot on Kirito's head) Yes yes pashminas and Spotify or whatever.

Sugou: But sadly, much like you, this foot seems to have a mind of its own.

*Sugou makes noises of sadism and pleasure, while erotically grinding his sandal against Kirito's supple digital avatar*

Kirito: Why are you doing this?

Kirito: Asuna’s never gonna wanna marry you, so how’s locking her up in Barbie’s Dream Gulag gonna change that?

Sugou: Oh, my dear boy. So naive. You really underestimate the power of the finer things.

Sugou: Our wedding tonight will go down in history! The dress, the food.

Sugou: Why the amount I’ve spent on flowers alone would bankrupt Paraguay!

Sugou: You know, Cirque du Soleil doesn’t normally do private events, but… I know a guy. Besides!

Sugou: With my mind control tech ready for deployment, she won’t have a choice to begin with!

Kirito: I’m sorry. Did he just say-?

Asuna: Yeah, he’s been using the game as a smokescreen for mind control experiments, like trying to take over the world.

Asuna: It's-It's a whole thing...

Kirito: What?! Okay, baby? I need you to not take this the wrong way,

Kirito: but how the heck is marrying you what he’s bragging about right now?!

Sugou: *Moans a little too excitedly for my liking* -And I haven’t even gotten to the music!

Sugou: For the piece de resistance, the joining of our hearts in eternal matrimony

Sugou: -will be disk-jockeyed by the incomparable Chet Hanks!

*Bastard Sugou laughs maniacally at this inane announcement*

Asuna: You’re sick, Sugou! You’ll never get away with this!

Kirito: At least get a good Hanks!

Sugou: And with our union, we shall usher in the dawn of a new age.

Sugou: Think of it, darling! A world free of hatred, war, and consent!

Asuna: Well, I hate everything about that, so no. (Yeah I agree with you there Asuna)

Kirito: Everything?

Sugou: But goodness, I am getting ahead of myself. After all, what wedding would be complete without a bachelor party!

Sugou: Hit it, Chet!

*Bondage Chains descend on cue as🎼Pony by Ginuwine starts playing🎵*

Asuna: Huh?

Sugou: Oh, I hope they fit. I feel like we’re Prince Charming and Cinderella!

Kirito: Ah yes! We all remember that classic scene where Cindy and the Prince lock eyes from across the ballroom

Kirito: -and he crams a fistful of singles into her glass G-string. Heartwarming...Heartwarming Stuff...

Sugou: Oooh careful. You’re giving me ideas.

Asuna: *Asuna groans in pain as the bondage chains elevate her* Dang it, Kirito!

Kirito: Sorry, honey. That’s my bad.

Sugou: *Emits a bastard laugh* Yes! It’s just as I pictured! Go on, talk dirty to me, sexy stranger.

Asuna: I’m gonna tear out your eyes, peel ‘em like grapes, and eat ‘em in front of your weeping mother.

Sugou: *Emits an Erotic moan* 🤢 That’s the stuff! Tell me more about my mommy~

Asuna & Kirito: *Absolutely Disgusted* NO!!! Oh god-!

Kirito: Ugh Kay. Think we all wanna get a running start on repressing THAT.

Kirito: So how bout in the meantime we play a super manly bachelor party game like uh… dueling?

Kirito: Eh? Settle this Aincrad-style? Winner goes free?

Sugou: Hm? Oh, sure, whatever. I suppose I can be a good host and indulge you.

Sugou: But, as I am the man of the hour, I must insist on taking the first SHOT!

*Sugou laughs as he kicks Kirito with his sandal for free*

*Sugou somehow flickspins Kirito's Big Black Sword with one hand*

*Sugou delivers a backshot into Kirito; grinding the big black sword against his digital spine*

Asuna: You’re dead, Sugou!

*Asuna screams at Sugou as he continues to grind Kirito's spine*

Sugou: *chuckles* Well, how about that. It looks like I win.

Kirito: You think this’ll stop me? I can hardly even feel it through the pain absorber.

Sugou: You know that's a fine point! Why don’t we make a little adjustment!?

Kirito: *Gasps out in agony* Why can’t I stop talking?!?!

Asuna: A question for the ages, baby.

Sugou: Oh, suck it up, buttercup. This won’t even affect your real body unless it goes below three.

Sugou: Now… you just sit there and get comfortable… the main event is about to begin~

Asuna: Oh yeah? Whatcha got planned? You get a clown? Eh, I suppose you wouldn’t want the competition.

Sugou: Laugh all you like-

Asuna: I will.

Sugou: *Seething* Laugh all you like, but you and I both know you have no way of escaping this.

Sugou: In mere hours, we will be wed, and you shall finally accept your place at my feet.

Sugou: As I claim the reigns of a world that is rightfully mine. Now, without further ado-

Sugou: -be a good little stripper and DANCE!

*The Pony needle drop strengthens; Sugou laughs in a bastard fashion as Asuna's top disintegrates*

Sugou: W-wait...WHAT THE DEVIL?! *Chet Hanks cuts the Pony needle drop*

*Yes, that SHOULD be spelled "you're"! Congratulations! You have better grammar than Sugou XD*

Sugou: Blast it! The censorship’s not supposed to be on in here! Stupid piece of junk!

Kirito: Ha! Serves you right! I’ve been dealing with that nonsense all week! It was awful.

Kirito: I couldn’t say anything fun like shirt or fudge or cunt-

Kirito: *Sudden realisation* I CAN SAY CUNT?!?!

Sugou: *sigh* It matters not. Those morsels are but a prelude to the main course. An “amuse-boob”, if you will.

Asuna: Wow. That was somehow both classy and disgusting. I’d clap for you but well y'know. *rattles chains like a gremlin*

Kirito: Don’t you dare touch her, you crazy cunt!

Sugou: No, poor people are crazy, my boy. I’m eccentric.

Kirito: *gasps* Speed? 1994?

Sugou: Huh? What are you talking about? Are you having a stroke?

Kirito: *sigh* No… I just miss Kayaba…

*"Big Yellow Taxi” by the Counting Crows starts playing as Kirito whites out, finding himself in a white void.*

Kirito: Uh oh. Maybe I am having a stroke.

Mysterious; Yet Familiar Masculine Voice: It’s okay. If you need to, you go right ahead and vomit.

Kirito: What? Who said that? And was that also from Speed?

Kayaba: Haha! You’re damn right it is! Aw, look at us. We haven’t skipped a beat. I knew you missed me!

Kirito: Kayaba?! What are you doing here?! And WHAT is here?! Aren’t you on the lam?!

Kayaba: No, actually I’m dead.💀👻

Kirito: What?! That’s WAY more confusing!

Kayaba: Hoo, don’t I know it huh. I’ll give you the rundown later, but more pressingly,

Kayaba: you seem to have found yourself in a little bit of a pickle, huh?

Kirito: Huh? Oh right! My body!

Kirito: *Singing; Eyes Whited Out* 🎼Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?🎵

Kirito: *Keeps on Singing* 🎼They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.🎵

Kirito:*Attempting to sing the Vanessa Carlton part* 🎼Huunnn, bep-bep-bep🎵 🎼Huauh, bep-bep-bep🎵

Kayaba: So, what would you say to your best buddy Kayaba lending you a helping hand? 😊

Kirito: I’d say you’re not my friend! You’re my kidnapper!

Kayaba: But we have such witty repartee!

Kirito: Yeah! As a coping mechanism! Do you even know what Stockholm Syndrome is?

Kayaba: Hmm, That depends… Do you know what this is?

Kirito: Oh, that’s not fair…

Sugou: Yea I am under the hood here and for the life of me I cannot figure out how to turn this thing off.

Asuna: Oh, don’t you worry. It’s plenty off.

*Kirito groans as he gets up with a second wind*

Kirito: Don’t think I’m gonna thank you for this, Kayaba. I don’t know what you get out of helping me…

Kirito: but if it means saving Asuna… THEN I GUESS I OWE YOU ONE!

*Kirito furiously gets up as the Big Black Sword falls out from his back*

Sugou: Help? My dear boy, what kind of help do you think you’ll find HERE!?

*Kirito catches Sugou's attempted backhand*

Sugou: What...?

Kirito: *chuckle* Oh, Sugou… you’re the only one who’s gonna need help.

Asuna: Hey yo! My husband's hot!

Sugou: What is this? How are you doing that? You shouldn’t be able to open those menus!

Kirito: System Command: Normalize Gravity.

Sugou: No! Stop that! Gravity on! Gravity on! Gravity… up?! Gosh darn it! Aargh! What’s the stupid code?!

Kirito: How’s that, baby? Feeling any better?

Asuna: Eh, doesn’t hurt as bad, but I am still shackled. Think you could do something about that?

Kirito: No worries. I’ll have you out in a minute.

Asuna: I mean, isn’t there like a command or something? If you let me out, I could probably help you-

Kirito: Alright, Sugou. It’s just you and me now. You ready?

Sugou: You think I’m afraid of you just because you have admin controls?! So what?!

Sugou: We’ll see what good that does you when you’re forced to fight the WOMAN YOU LOVE!

*Awkward Silence ensues as nothing happens*

Sugou: THE WOMAN YOU LOVE!

Sugou: Oh, what the blazes! This was supposed to be working! Why aren’t you under my thrall?!

*Asuna chuckles in a dastardly fashion*

Asuna: What? Did you think I was just running around sowing random chaos? You fool.

Asuna: That was but a mere 90% of what I was doing. But that 10%?

Asuna: Ooooh, that 10% held machinations you can’t even begin to comprehend.

*Flashes back to the server room as Asuna intensely locks in*

Asuna: Hehehe...

Sugou: Impossible… my brilliant plans ruined… by a WOMAN?!

Kirito: System command: Generate Excalibur!

Sugou: W-what are you doing?

Kirito: Well, I’m about to turn you inside out, so I’d feel a little bad if you weren’t at least armed.

*Sugou pitifully whimpers as he barely catches Excalibur*

Kirito: Now, without further ado…

*Kirito kicks his sword's hilt and catches it with one hand at normalised gravity*

Kirito: Prepare to feel the wrath of a pissed off nerd with admin privileges.

Sugou: You arrogant welp. You can’t do this!

Kirito: You know what? You’re right. I’m not the only aggrieved party here. Hey, Asuna. Any requests?

Asuna: Turn the Pain Absorber to zero. Make him feel it.😐

Kirito: Well… it is her special day.

Sugou: HER special day?! I have poured my blood and sweat into making this wedding perfect, and it’s HER day?

Sugou: She hasn’t lifted a gosh darn finger! I have dreamt of this day since I was but a child,

Sugou: and I refuse to let some jezebel and her boytoy TAKE IT FROM MEEEEEEE!!!

*Sugou pathetically clashes with Kirito; Excalibur no match for Kirito's Big Black Sword*

*Sugou whimpers and struggles as he continues to try and hit Kirito

*Sugou war cries as he goes in for a stab but is slashed in the face by Kirito*

Kirito: Consider that one a warning sho-

Sugou: *screeches* Oh my gosh! It hurts! Please, no more! I yield! I yield!

Kirito: Are you kidding me? I barely grazed you. I’ve had paper cuts deeper than that.

Kirito: *Grunts* Not to crib a line from your father, but you are such a disappointment!

*Kirito slices his arm off clean; Excalibur clatters as the arm disintegrates*

Sugou: *Screaming Out in Pain* AAAAARRGH!!! Daddy, no! I mean- oh lord it hurts!

Kirito: For example! If you had kept things in the real world, I would never have even known about this, much less been able to stop you.

Kirito: But no! Instead, you made the brilliant tactical decision to stage this on the one battlefield where I have a foothold?!

Kirito: *Slashes Sugou* It’s like you’re TRYING to fail!

*Sugou is cut in half, screaming as his torso falls to the ground*

Sugou: *screams in absolute fucking agony* Please… Stop quoting my father…

Kirito: But even overlooking all of that… You did something that I could never understand… or forgive.

Kirito: Tell me, Sugou… Why?

Kirito: Why would you put A DOOR TO GET IN HERE?!

Sugou: *scared, sniffling but confused* W-what do you mean? How else would I get in?

Kirito: You disgust me.

Sugou: Wait! No, please! What did I say?! WHAT DID I SAAAAAAAY!?!

*Kirito impales Sugou as he bleeds like a stuck pig; showering the room in digital crimson rain*

*Sugou's body disappears; Kirito slashes Asuna's chains to release her*

*Kirito throws away the Big Black Sword catching Asuna; Asuna pants from exhaustion as she's caught*

Kirito: It’s finally over. Are you okay?

Asuna: Pfft? Me? Doin’ much better now that you’re here.😏

Kirito: *Cries; Burying his head into Asuna's chest* Oh thank god! I’m so glad you’re safe! That guy was so gross!

Asuna: Yeah, you don’t even know the half of it.

Asuna: Total sidebar: Hey, sweetie? You didn’t happen to turn off the censorship just now, did you?

Kirito: *Muffled* That is a baseless accusation.

*Kirito motorboats in Asuna's chest*

Asuna: *sighs* You’re lucky you’re cute.

Kirito: *sniffle* Hey, how would you feel about maybe taking a break from VR for a while?

Asuna: What?! Seriously?! Oh my god, how bad was this game?!

Kirito: Oh, truly horrific. The absolute worst. But shockingly besides the point.

Kirito: For the first time in a long time, I think I’m actually excited to give the real world a try.

Kirito: Like, I have friends, I have you. Heck, I’m even patching things up with my sister!

Asuna: You have a sister?

Kirito: Yeah… Wow, we didn’t talk like… AT ALL before getting married huh… What do you say we fix that?

Asuna: Sounds great. You better not keep me waiting.

*Kirito logs Asuna out*

*Any minute now...*

*The system is taking its sweet ass time huh 🙄*

Asuna: Is-Is it supposed to take this long?

Kirito: I was JUST thinking that. This is super weird.

Asuna: Oh Okay, good. It’s not just me. It’s just like… I’ve never logged out before…and I-

Kirito: Yeah, no. It’s usually pretty instant. I have no idea what’s going-

Kirito: Oh! Oh, you’re glowing! Yeah! Yeah there there we go!

Asuna: Oh cool! Does that mean it’s working?

Kirito: I dunno. Maybe?

Asuna: What do you mean “maybe”?!

Kirito: Well, usually the animation looks different!

Asuna: Gosh darn it, Kirito! I’d like a little more certainty right now!

Kirito: *Observing the dying log out animation pixie dust* Well… that’s a mood killer.

Kirito: So, you gonna come out? I’m still waiting on that explanation. *sigh*

Kayaba: So. Funny story. Your ol’ pal Kayaba’s got himself backed into a little bit of a corner,

Kayaba: crushed under the suffocating weight of his own mistakes, so on and so forth.

Kayaba: Naturally, this left him with only one logical solution:

Kayaba: use an experimental and highly unstable prototype to upload his mind to the cloud and y'know flash-fry his body in the process.

Kirito: Uh huh… I wanna say I’m disappointed in you, but frankly

Kirito: I’m just impressed you didn’t manage to take a bunch of innocent people with you this time.

Kayaba: Kirito. My boy. You know, it really hurts that you think so little of me.

Kayaba: My results may vary, but my intentions are always pure.

Kirito: Really? So you just decided to hand me those codes out of-what, the goodness of your heart?

Kirito: and not because you need something?

Kayaba: You see? This is why we’re best friends. Even now, you can still read me like a book.

Kayaba: But don’t worry. I’m not asking for much. I just want you to take…

Kirito: *Sees something glowing descending from the roof* Huh?

Kayaba: -This.

Kirito: Oh what is that?

Kayaba: This… is the World Seed. A stripped-down and easily moddable version of the engine that once ran SAO.

Kayaba: With this, anyone with a computer and a dream could make their own virtual world.

Kayaba: It’s the culmination of my life’s work. Or rather… of yours.

Kirito: I’m… not sure I follow…

Kayaba: You see, Kirito, my work means everything to me.

Kayaba: I sacrificed friendships, family, and my own sanity to make that dream a reality,

Kayaba: but I still found a way to screw it up. My name is far too tarnished for the world to accept anything from me now.

Kayaba: But if it were created by… say… the Hero of Aincrad? Well… that’d be a different story, now wouldn’t it?

Kirito: Oooooh, no no no no no! I JUST said I’m done with this stuff! Leave me alone! I have a life now!

Kayaba: And just who gave you that life?

Kayaba: From where I’m standing, it sure seems like VR has given you everything you could ever want.

Kayaba: Don’t you want to give other people the same shot at happiness that you’ve found?

Kirito: Oh, don’t American Dream me, motherfucker! I said I’m out! You have no power over me!

Kayaba: Hey, no one’s forcing you to use it. You can even delete it if that’s really how you feel.

Kayaba: But… I’ll leave that up to you. Peace~

*Kirito gets blinded by Kayaba's exit*

Kirito: Kayaba?! Kayaba, get back here! Don’t you put that evil on me, Kayaba! Don’t you put that on me!

Yui: *Pops out of nowhere* Daddy~! ^_^

Kirito: Yui?! Where have you been?!

Yui: I have returned from the war, daddy! I have slain the vile serpent in the Realms Between.

Yui: The dreadful creature attempted to drag me into the stygian abyss, but I was ultimately victorious

Yui: and claimed the head of the great beast known... as McAfee.

Kirito: Ugh, he would use McAfee. You’re doing god’s work, sweetie.

Kirito: *Screaming can be heard in the distance* ell, your mom’s waiting for us. What do you say we get out of… I’m sorry.

Kirito: What is that noise? Are people screaming down there?

Yui: Hm. It appears that someone has turned the pain absorbing settings to zero.

Kirito: Wait… that wasn’t just for that room? That was the whole… oh, we need to go.

Kirito: Sweetie, you’re gonna need to be daddy’s alibi.

Yui: Not to worry. I am already taking- It is done.

Kirito: Aw, you’re the best.

Yui: Ride or die, daddy.

*Whiteness fills the room as Kirito logs out*

*Kirito groans awake with Suguha looming over him*

Suguha: *Gasps in genuine surprise* Oh thank god! I was worried you were in another coma! So how’d it go? Did you get the guy what got her?

Suguha: Did he get got? Did you get gottem?

Kirito: Uh, yeah? I beat him pretty good, if that’s what you’re asking.

Suguha: Nice! How’d you do it?! Were you on like a lava planet, and he was all like “you were my brother, Anakin, I loved you”,

Suguha: and you were like “shut up”.

Kirito: Honestly? Less Revenge of the Sith, more Phantom Menace.

Suguha: *Headphone Warning* YOU CUT HIM IN HALF?!

Kirito: That’s one of the things I did to him!

Suguha: Aw, metal! Um, listen…

Suguha: I’mma do something weird. Don’t laugh at me, okay?

*Kirito is taken aback as Suguha hugs him*

Suguha: I’m really happy we’re talking again. 😌

Kirito: Uh Me too. I don’t think I realized just how much I missed this. I actually had a lot of fun sparring with you the other day.

Kirito: Might be cool to do that more often. You know. If you promise to go easier on me.

Suguha: Yeah, no. I don’t pull my punches for nobody.

Kirito: I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, actually.

Kirito: You know you’re not allowed to just, like, punch people in kendo, right?

Suguha: Ugh, you sound just like those judges. Anyway, you better hurry if you wanna go see your lady.

Suguha: Visiting hours are almost over, right?

*Kirito wheels his back to the road as Suguha watches*

Kirito: *shivers* Getting cold out.

Suguha: Oh yeah? Try being out here in a skirt.

Kirito: No one is making you wear that. Just put on some pants!

Suguha: It’s for Nagata! You know. Easy access. 😏

Kirito: *disgusted groan* What?! Is he even here?!

Suguha: No… but he is coming~😈

Kirito: I’m leaving! I’m going! I’m gone!😓

Kirito: *Internal Thoughts as a hopeful guitar strums* This is it, Asuna… We really did it… Despite everything… We finally made it home…

Kirito: Shit, should I have brought flowers? Aw, man. Nothing’s gonna be open this… late-

*Kirito is slashed irl*

*Blood begins to drop onto the snow; revealing that Kirito's arm had been cut deep*

*Kirito stumbles backwards, groaning in pain as a familiar bastard laughter emits from nearby getting closer*

Sugou: *Venomous; Approaching* What’s wrong, hero? After all, I barely grazed you...

*Sugou cackles as the wounds from his defeat to Kirito are revealed*

*🎼Sword Art Online Abridged - Ending Fanfare plays🎵*