Original subtitles

LEAFA: See?

Didn’t I tell ya I’d get you here?

Welcome to Arun!

Home of the World Tree…

...And Alfheim’s largest freestanding pinwheel.

KIRITO: Wow. It’s beautiful.

Really makes ya appreciate the scale of…

just how incredibly boned I am.

LEAFA: Aw, buck up there, champ.

We’ve had a long day of diplomacy and light treason.

Why don’t you just take a step back and enjoy the moment for a sec?

*Sigh of Leafa Acquiescence*

KIRITO: I guess it is a pretty spectacular view.

YUI: Heeeeeey.

You know who ELSE would really enjoy this view?

KIRITO: Yui.

Yui, please.

We’re trying.

We’re just resting our feet for a-

YUI: THAT IS CORRECT!

MOMMY!

I find your lackadaisical attitudes most distressing considering the wedding is in TWO DAYS and we are,

shockingly, still without the manpower to stop it!

LEAFA: Cool your jets, Shortstack.

We may not have an army, but Arun’s the biggest city in the world, AND it’s got a pretty kickin’ nightlife.

I say… we split up… and gather ourselves a posse of the strongest…

most bribable guys we can find!

We can still get a raid going-

ANNOUNCER: Attention, you little rascals!

The game’ll be shuttin’ down from 4 am to 3 pm for some scheduled maintenance.

Once we’re back, the following changes will be applied to our recent “Say No to Drugs” update.

LEAFA: ...first thing in the morning?

*sigh*

YUI: I suppose we have no alternative.

I shall direct you to the nearest inn, but mark my words, you insufferable gadabout.

If we should suffer any further delays due to your tomfoolery, there shall be a reckoning!

LEAFA: I know this really isn’t the time,

but I just noticed when you get mad you kinda sound like a teeny tiny prospector.

YUI: *angry growl*

KIRITO: Eh, this is probably for the best.

We’re all exhausted.

We’ll wanna be at our freshest if we’re gonna take this thing on.

Plus…

Kinda seems like we might wanna give it a sec to... air itself out...

PINWHEEL MAN: My pinwheel!

Oh lord, I’m ruined!

Get back, you meth heads!

Git!

LEAFA: Yeah, that’s a good call.

[A Real Life by Greek Fire plays]

*Faucet of Wettening Wettens*

KIRITO: Morning, Sugu.

SUGUHA: Morning, cum stain.

KIRITO: Hey there, Shakespeare.

Save your A Material.

You’ve got the whole day ahead of you.

SUGUHA: Nyeeeee, I’m too sleepy for this.

Leave me aloooone.

KIRITO: That’s the plan.

Just gonna finish washing up and then I’m off to the hospital.

SUGUHA: Hospital?

YUI: Nothing can move forward unless one of you takes the first step…

SUGUHA: (in her head) *groan*

Damn it.

She might be right.

YUI: I am definitely right.

SUGUHA: What?! YUI: What?!

SUGUHA: Uuuuh… the hospital, you say?

You know, I just had an idea.

KIRITO: Whoa, you wanna sit down?

I hear the first time can be a little intense.

SUGUHA: Why don’t I grace you with my presence this afternoon?

Finally get a look at this sister-in-law I’ve heard oh so much about.

KIRITO: And why would you wanna do that?

SUGUHA: What, can’t a sister be there for her brother in his time of need?

KIRITO: You’re my sister?

Aw shit, this whole time I thought you were some feral possum mom brought home!

This changes everything!

SUGUHA: Listen, I’m just trying to be nice here, but fine.

If you wanna be a little asshole about it, you go right ahead.

*World's Worst Wet Sweatshirt Contest*

*scream*

SUGUHA: SON OF A BITCH!!!

KIRITO: *laughs maniacally*

Serves you ri-!

*Mithril Pebble of Kirito Smiting*

*yelp of pain*

Aw, what the fuck?!

A rock?! Really?!

SUGUHA: Yeah, you like that?!

I’m wide awake now you…

cum stain…

DAMN IT!

*Door whooshes whooshingly*

ASUNA: Well, well.

So this is where Sugou’s been keeping everybody.

Cheese and crackers…

do you really need a torture terminal for every brain?!

That’s so inefficient!

Just cram ‘em all into one, you’d have room for like a nice koi pond, maybe a garden.

Really Feng Shui the place!

Golly, I’d be so much better at crime.

ASUNA: *surprised gasp*

KYLE: Alright, the glitch was coming from this terminal, right?

SHOJI: Yeah, that’s the one.

Hey, man.

I’ve been thinking.

You ever wonder why we’re slug people?

KYLE: How do you mean?

SHOJI: I mean literally everyone else in this game is a beautiful,

majestic fairy, but we’re two sacks of puss and tentacles.

KYLE: Gee, I don’t know, man.

Trisha’s the modeller.

You ever think it’s because you keep stealing her yogurt?

SHOJI: Well, she doesn’t label them!

How am I supposed to know?!

KYLE: Did you bring yogurt, Shoji?!

SHOJI: I hardly see how that’s relevant.

KIRITO: Taking this bit a little far, don’t you think?

SUGUHA: It’s not a bit! I really do wanna meet your…

wife.

KIRITO: At least stop pausing before you say it!

SUGUHA: Fine fine. You’re right.

So like… how’d you two crazy kids meet?

KIRITO: In the DEATH GAME!

SUGUHA: Well duh!

I’m trying to fuckin’...

Damn it…

I mean like…

how did you fall in love?

*sigh*

KIRITO: Oh, you know how it goes.

Boy meets girl, boy accuses girl of war crimes, boy gets real high, girl yells at boy,

boy and girl solve murder, boy and girl watch as murderer is beaten to death, boy stabs ghost.

SUGUHA: Pfft… nice try.

That’s just the plot of the Lake House.

*Asuna, Alfhein PD, Sneaks Sneakily*

ASUNA: Hey, that looks familiar.

That’s my ticket out of here!

Can I make it?

KYLE: I explicitly told you I didn’t want any part of your Trisha beef, man!

And now look at me!

SHOJI: Well excuse me for expecting my bro to have my back!

KYLE: She has special dietary needs, dude!

It’s medicated!

SHOJI: That’s the best part!

It really brings out the raspberry!

ASUNA: Yeah, I got time.

ASUNA: Please, for the love of gosh, just let me open this menu!

Yes!

Okay, let’s see.

Log out button.

log out button…

Oh… now THAT’S interesting…

KYLE: It just…

feels like you’re always looking for reasons to antagonize her, you know?

SHOJI: Well, can you blame me?

She just rolls in here everyday, up on her high horse.

KYLE: Dude, it’s called a wheelchair.

ASUNA: Hehehe.

Okay, enough messing around.

How the heck do I get out of here?

Ah, here we go!

Perfect!

HELP DESK: Hello, technical support?

How may I assist you?

ASUNA: Hi, sorry to bother you.

I think I hit the wrong button.

I’m just trying to figure out how to log out all these hosta-TEST SUBJECTS.

Ignore me.

HELP DESK: Right!

Well, why don’t you just gimme a moment to talk to my manager

and we’ll see what we can do for you here!

One moment please.

*whisper whisper whisper*

SUGOU: WHAT?!

NO YOU CAN’T LET THEM OUT!

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN… YOU ARE SO FIRED!

*sigh*

HELP DESK: I’m sorry, ma’am.

I’m gonna need to transfer your call.

Please hold...

*That Sweet Purp Inches Closer*

KIRITO: Alright, we’re here.

I just want you to know, before we go in, security can be here in 15 seconds.

SUGUHA: What the hell do you think I’m gonna do?

KIRITO: I have no idea, and that’s what scares me!

SUGUHA: Ug, will you just get in there?!

KIRITO: Fine fine...

KIRITO: Hey, honey.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d like to introduce you to my sister,

Suguha…

No no. Don’t get up.

SUGUHA: HI, ASUNA!

IT’S SO NICE TO MEET YOU!

I HEAR YOU’RE DOING MY BROTHER!

KIRITO: For god’s sake.

She’s in a coma, not deaf.

Not that it’d matter.

In all possible scenarios, you are being an asshole.

SUGUHA: Look, I am TRYING to…

*frustrated sigh*

Okay.

Fine.

Let me try this again.

Hi, Asuna. I’ve heard a lot about-

ASUNA: YOU SPINELESS LITTLE PARASITES!

WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I AM GOING TO WRITE MY FUDGING MEMOIRS IN YOUR MOTHERS’ BLOOD!

SHOJI: Oh gosh! Kyle!

Kyle, what do we do?!

I can already feel my grip slipping!

KYLE: Alright! Alright!

Everything’s gonna be fine!

I have a plan!

SHOJI: Okay! Lay it on me!

KYLE: I’m gonna go.

SHOJI: I hate this plan!

KYLE: No no it’s fine!

I’m just gonna go get the boss!

He’ll know how to deal with…

*feral growling*

*Feral Growling Continues*

KYLE: All of … this.

SHOJI: No! Kyle, no!

Don’t you dare!

Don’t you leave me with her!

KYLE: You got this!

ASUNA: Hey, Shoji.

*Shoji Whimpers of Totally Not Having This*

SUGUHA: She seems so gentle.

Like an angel.

KIRITO: Heh, yeah.

Lucifer, maybe…

SUGUHA: Um…

I’mma go put some water on these.

SUGUHA: So, like, what do you get out of this?

Are you hoping she’ll be all grateful you didn’t leave her while she was under?

Cuz right now she does not seem like a lot of fun at parties…

SUGUHA: Uh… s-sorry.

God, I’m the worst...

ASUNA: Hey, looks like those new eyes are coming in nice.

What colour you think you’ll get next time?

SHOJI: My therapist says the only power you have over me is what I give you!

D-do your worst!

None of this is real!

ASUNA: Well, you got me there, bud.

Let me just say, it is so great to see a friend making such brave strides in their mental health journey.

But, uh… tell me…

Can the same be said for Biscuit?

SHOJI: How the fudge do you know about my dog?

ASUNA: Oh don’t you worry about that.

After all... the way I see it...

you’ve got yourself a choice to make.

You see you can either let me go…

or I break out…

and I eat that biscuit.

SHOJI: Oh no!

ASUNA: Clock’s ticking, Shoji.

Nom nom.

SHOJI: Yeah! Yeah, whatever you want!

I’m putting you down, see?!

KYLE: Sorry, man.

The boss is WAY too busy moving up the..

Whoa!

Are you letting her go?!

She’ll kill us all!

SHOJI: Huh?! Oh!

No, I was just…

ASUNA: Nom nom...

SHOJI: ...molesting her.

KYLE: What?!

Dude, what the heck is wrong with you?!

SHOJI: Yeah…

I uh… couldn’t help myself.

Just had to give her a taste of that...

sweet purp, you know?

KYLE: Ug! That’s disgusting!

You know I’m gonna have to report this?!

You’re gonna be on a list!

SHOJI: Yeah, that’s fair.

I’m such a dirty… dirty boy…

KYLE: I thought I knew you.

Consider yourself uninvited to my son’s christening!

LEAFA: Wow…

He seems to really care about her...

KIRITO: Morning, Princess.

How’s it going?

LEAFA: I… I don’t knooooooow!

KIRITO: Oh no.

Not again.

LEAFA: So, there’s this guy…

and I thought he was the problem… but now he might actually be nice!

Which means maybe I’m the problem!

I don’t wanna be the problem!!!

KIRITO: Oh! Okay.

Uh, hey… hey… listen here…

I don’t have time for this.

LEAFA: Dafuh?

KIRITO: Yeah.

See, we’re still basically strangers here, and I gotta tell you I am all kinds of uncomfortable right now.

Could you maybe just like…

bottle this mess up until my wife is freed and I’m at a safe distance?

LEAFA: (incomprehensible sobbing) Whatthefudgeiswrongwithyou!

You’retheworstbrotherever!

KIRITO: Yeah, yeah, no. That’s rough.

*sigh*

Sorry…

I, uh, won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but…

you just…

take all the time you need…

I guess.

*sigh*

LEAFA: Sorry for that, but I’m good now.

Totally fine.

Hundo percent cool.

So let’s get moving, okay?

KIRITO: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.

If you’re sure…

YUI: GO ALREADY!

KIRITO & LEAFA: Gah!

KIRITO: Wow.

The update really cleaned this place up.

It’s such a nice change of pace to see everyone getting along.

So why am I so on-edge?

LEAFA: I know what you mean.

This place always gives me the creeps.

Pick a side, you fence sitters!

Y’all are sick!

You’re living in sin!

KIRITO: Ah, back in character, I see.

I missed it ever so.

LEAFA: Character?

YUI: Oh no!

KIRITO: Huh?

YUI: Daddy, Sugou just updated his Facebook status!

He has moved up the wedding to tonight!

KIRITO: What?!

LEAFA: You can’t be serious!

What kind of maniac still uses Facebook?!

SUGOU: No YOU listen, Francois!

It’s FIVE TIERS, and they go chocolate, vanilla, chocolate, FOIE GRAS...

Stop crying! I’m not done!

YUI: I just did another scan!

I am sensing mommy’s player ID directly above us!

Go go go!

KIRITO: Dyah?! Right!

LEAFA: Uh, you guys?!

I think you’re forgetting about the-

LEAFA: Invisible… wall.

SUGOU: Darling, I just arrived at the venue, and I have to tell you, it is, in a word…

breathtaking.

*moan*

Everything is going to be perfect for my big day.

I mean OUR big day.

No.

You know what?

I stand by it.

I've earned this.

KIRITO: *Screaming in distance* ASUNAAAAA!!!

ASUNA: Huh…

ASUNA: Kirito?!

SUGOU: What’s that sound, my dear?

Is something wrong?

Should I come over?

ASUNA: NO! No.

That was me.

I hit the table.

By accident.

Repeatedly.

I’m just so excited!

I’m looking at these photos they brought over of my wedding dress.

Red and black was such a bold choice.

Well done…

Honey...

SUGOU: Red and black?!

What is this?!

A whore’s funeral?!

Oh I have to take care of this immediately.

Talk to you soon, sweetie.

Kisses.

ASUNA: Kirito?!

Kirito, is that you?!

What the heck are you doing?!

It’s a WAAAAAALL!

ASUNA: Ug...

LEAFA: Kirito.

Buddy.

What are we trying to do here?

KIRITO: I am TRYING to see

if hitting it at just the right angle will let me glitch through!

If it’s good enough for Mario Kart, it’s good enough for me!

LEAFA: Kid, why aren’t you stopping this?

YUI: Though improbable, his logic is sound.

LEAFA: But he’s just gonna end up hurting himself!

YUI: That is a risk I am willing to take.

Try 45 degrees left, Daddy!

KIRITO: Adjusting now!

*Yui Assisted Wall Tackle of Failure*

KIRITO: H-huh?

*Keycard of Floating Floats Down*

KIRITO: It’s a message from Asuna!

YUI: She is okay!

KIRITO: But what’s it written on?

YUI: Hmm…

*gasp*

This is a system admin access code!

If we can get to the right console, we can use this to log out mommy!

KIRITO: Are you serious?!

That’s amazing!

We’ve gotta get moving!

LEAFA: Wait, but what about the plan?

We still need a ton of guys if we’re gonna stand a chance of getting through that place!

KIRITO: There’s no time!

They could notice this is missing and change the code any second!

We’re just gonna have to rush through and hope for the best!

LEAFA: That’ll never work!

You’re being an idiot!

KIRITO: Probably not!

But you know what they say!

Fools Rush In!

LEAFA: That was a terrible movie!

BIG DONG POOKA: I don’t mean to brag, but...

*Kirito screaming in bg while getting closer and closer*

I’m deathly allergic to the latex~

GNOME GUY & BIG DONG POOKA: *startled gasp*

*Kirito Dash of Asuna Rescuing*

YUI: Daddy, I do not wish to alarm you,

but it appears that Leafa is no longer following us…

Daddy?

STATUE 1: Greetings, brave warrior.

Welcome to the World Tree, gateway to the realm of the gods.

STATUE 2: Only those with a noble heart and a keen mind may enter.

STATUE 1: If thou believeth thyself worthy of passage,

then breath deep, and proclaim thy glory!!!

KIRITO: Ug…

STATUE 2: WELL SAID, YOUNG ADVENTURER!

Now…

GO FORTH…

AND MAY THE GODS SMILE UPON THEE!

KIRITO: Hmm…

*Death Trap Activates*

KIRITO: Wait… is this it?

Are you kidding me?

Is the final dungeon of this gosh-forsaken game…

seriously just a giant empty tube?!

Ug…

I suppose I should at least commend them for creating a speedrunner’s wet dream.

Let’s do this!

*Kirito Dashes Into "Empty" Tube*

*Glorified Trash Mobs Spawn*

KIRITO: Oh my.

I stand corrected.

It’s not empty.

It’s clearly filled with these very dangerous-

GUARDIAN: Roger roger.

KIRITO: Oh, come on, Sugou!

Who didn’t you steal from?!

*Guardian's Rogers are Rogered*

KIRITO: Golly gee!

If only I had an army of offensive racial stereotypes with which to combat you,

but I think that’d be just a little too appropriate for this game!

KIRITO: Argh!

Alright, you’ve had your fun,

but you droids really need to get out of my way!

Grrr…

I’m almost there…

Asuna!

KIRITO: Guh!

Oh no...

KIRITO: Oh no no no!!!

KIRITO: No!

Not now!

Not when I’m so close!

*Sword of Kirito Impalement Impales Kirito*

Gah!

Alright…

Which of you wiseguys threw a-

*Sword of Kirito Impalement is apparently a common item*

Which of you wiseguys threw a-

Grr!

Do you glorified trash mobs really think this’ll be enough…

TO STOP ME?!?!

KIRITO: Well... this is just perfect!

I don’t get it!

I would have been able to do this before.

But hey, what else is new?

Things were so much better back in...

Ug!

Am I seriously getting nostalgic for the flippin’ death game?!

What the heck is wrong with me?!

What, can I not be happy unless the whole world rests on my emaciated shoulders?

You think you’re a big shot?!

You think you don’t have asthma?!

Well, I’ve got a reality check for you, nerdo!

You’re just a kid who’s good at video games, and that was useful exactly ONCE!

There was only one place on Earth where you had the social leverage to make ANYONE like you,

and it’s GONE!

They’re gone…

Face it.

What’s the real world got to offer?

Asuna’s slipping away, Tiff’s got a family to look after.

Who does that leave me with?

Suguha?

Pfft!

Fat chance!

Well…

Actually, I guess she DID come to the hospital with me… and she didn’t even try to pull anything.

That was weird… but...

nice.

Reminds me of when we were little.

Heh…

we’ll probably never have each other’s backs like that again...

LEAFA: Wellity wellity wellity!

KIRITO: Huh?

LEAFA: Look who needs their princess to come and save them!

Who's surprised?

KIRITO: Leafa?!

LEAFA: No, you!

You’re surprised, you moron!

KIRITO: That’s not what I…

You know what?

Honestly, I’m just glad you’re here.

LEAFA: Yeah, no thanks to you!

I told you you wouldn’t survive 5 minutes without-

AARRGH!!!

Oh my gosh!

Ow ow ow!

*Leafa Grunt of Immeasurable Pain*

Right in my cake.

KIRITO: Why are you thinking about dessert at a time like this?!

Move your ash!

LEAFA: What do you think I’ve been trying to…

aargh…

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

LEAFA: *Heavy Breathing of Sisterly Rescue*

Alright.

Back on your feet, soldier.

*Liquid of Kirito Revival bloops*

*Kirito Revival Occurs*

KIRITO: *Is Revived*

LEAFA: What the heck were you thinking?

Flying off by yourself.

You think you’re some badash motherfudger who can do everything on your-

KIRITO: Thank you…

for helping me out back there.

There is perhaps a chance, small as it may be, that I may have jumped the gun.

LEAFA: You don’t say!

KIRITO: Yeah yeah.

I’m sorry I left you behind.

Trust me.

I am not gonna make that mistake twice.

LEAFA: Awesome.

Good to hear.

Now, I guess we should head back into town and-

KIRITO: Alright, let’s get back in there.

LEAFA: Wait, what?

Where are you going?

I thought you learned your lesson!

KIRITO: Well yeah.

Going in by myself was dumb, but it almost worked.

If you and me try it together, watching each other’s backs,

it’ll be a snap.

LEAFA: Awww...

but no!

That’s still not gonna work!

No one ever beats this thing because it always just spawns more guys!

It’s frickin’ busted!

KIRITO: Well, then we’ll just have to be quick.

Now come on.

We don’t have much-

LEAFA: Please, stop!

Just shut your face.

I’m telling you the two of us aren’t enough.

You’re just gonna keep getting hurt for no reason.

KIRITO: She’s in trouble...

She needs my help…

I have every reason…

LEAFA: Gosh DARN it, Kazuto!

Why couldn’t you ever fight for ME this hard?!

KIRITO: What did you just…

Sugu…?!

LEAFA: Oooh no.

Oh no no no!

KIRITO: Suguha?

Is that you?!

LEAFA: Uh, no hablo nihongo!

KIRITO: What?!

LEAFA: BAIL!

BAIL BAIL BAIL!!!

KIRITO: Suguha, wait!

*Leafa Bailing Noises*

*sigh*

SUGUHA: *softly crying in frustration*

*Kirito knocks on door*

*gasp*

KIRITO: Hey… you uh. In there?

SUGUHA: Go away!

KIRITO: Cool cool…

So, this may come as a shock to you, but uh. I’ve got a couple of questions rattling around the ol’ dome…

if you’ll…

indulge me.

Like…

What’s going on here?

Did you know it was me the entire time?

And since when do you even PLAY video games?

I thought you said that was, and I quote, “stupid nerd shit”.

Did…

Did you go out and buy an AmusSphere just to fuck with me?

You were at the hospital!

You can’t possibly still think she’s not real!

Was this all some elaborate prank, or are you just so cruel that you can never let me be happy?!

Do you really hate me that much?!

SUGUHA: *Grunt*

SUGUHA: How could I HATE you?!

I don’t…

I don’t even KNOW you anymore…

You just left me.

You left me all alone.

We used to be best friends.

I wanted to be just like you.

So…

when grandpa wanted to teach you kendo… it made me wanna learn too.

KIRITO: K-kendo?

What does kendo have to do with…?

SUGUHA: Grandpa never wanted to train me.

He was only ever interested in his grandson!

So when you got BORED and ditched me to work on your dumb computers,

I had to “man up” FOR you!

KIRITO: *gasp of surprise*

SUGUHA: He did everything he could to get me to quit.

To prove I wasn’t good enough.

But I hung in there hoping that you’d come back.

So we could be like we were!

I tried to make it seem fun so you’d realize what you were missing, but you just shut me out!

All you cared about were those stupid games!

KIRITO: Hey, come on.

That’s not fair.

It was mom’s idea to have me learn coding instead.

SUGUHA: Oh, don’t gimme that bullshit!

You didn’t even TRY to fight her on it!

These last couple days, all I’ve seen you DO is fight for what you care about!

SUGUHA: So what?!

Was it me?!

Was I just not worth the effort?

We used to be so close, but maybe that was all in my head…

So how DARE you accuse me of hating you when you CLEARLY never gave a shit about ME!

KIRITO: I… I had no idea…

SUGUHA: *quiet sigh*

Just leave me alone…

You’ve had enough practice…