Original subtitles

- Good morning, wife.

- [groans] Good morning, husband.

Wow!

That feels bonkers to say.

- Bonkers good?

- Bonkers wonderful.

But bonkers.

I mean, we've only known each other for six weeks.

Oh.

We're like Romeo and Juliet.

Except we're old.

And we're gonna live happily ever after.

And we have retirement funds and bifocals.

We are nothing like Romeo and Juliet.

- Well, we did sneak off and secretly get married.

- Yes.

- Do you want '50s Elvis or Vegas Elvis?

- '50s. - Vegas.

- Do you, Jeanie, take James... - Do you, James, take Jeanie...

both: To be your hunka-hunka burning love?

both: I do.

both: We now pronounce you husband and wife.

- And everything was perfect,

until lady Elvis tried to sell us crypto.

Oh!

I gotta--I gotta call and tell my kids that we got married.

No, wait.

No, no, I gotta tell them in person.

Let's invite them over for brunch, okay?

- A--and Dan.

- We're gonna tell Dan at the same time that we tell my kids?

- Dan's like my kid.

We have dinner together, grab a beer.

He loves a good cigar.

- It is so obvious you don't have kids.

- What? Kids don't have dinner?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- What do you think? Can I pull off your pants?

- I wish you would.

[doorbell rings]

- [gasps] That's the kids. That's the kids.

Take your ring off. Take your ring off.

I'm nervous. I'm nervous.

But I'm also excited.

I am excited.

- Hey, guys. - Ah, it's just Dan.

I'm neither.

- Hello to you too. What's so important?

When you guys called, I was halfway through a Hot Pocket.

- We're waiting for the kids.

We have something important to tell you.

- Last time somebody said that to me,

I had to contact all my sexual partners.

[doorbell rings]

- There they are. - Hey.

What's up, Mom?

- Where have you been?

I've been worried sick.

I called you, like, five times.

- Well, think of it as payback for the thousands of times

you've ignored my calls.

Ha!

But the good news is-- this is good news.

Come on. Come here.

Come sit.

[doorbell rings]

- Ah!

- Arvid, what are you doing here?

In my house in America?

- Milky?

- Ah, Jeanie!

Ah!

Ah.

You are even more lovely in the person.

[chuckles]

[exclaims]

- You are exactly as James described you.

- Not true.

I described him as being in Norway.

How do you know where I live?

- I have you both on Find My.

I saw that you traveled to Las Vegas together.

- Las Vegas?

- You went to Vegas without me?

- I put two and two together.

Congratulations on your wedding!

- Wedding? - You're married?

- By two Elvises.

- And one was a lady.

- Congratulations!

Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?

- I wanted to tell you first.

- James, you got a sec?

- [exclaims]

- You married a stranger?

Haven't you been paying attention

to our murder podcasts?

It's always the husband.

- Is he after your money?

- I don't have any money.

- Are you after his money? 'Cause this place is nice.

- "Educated divorced white male" exactly fits

the serial killer profile.

- She is right. - [yelps] Oh, God!

- And who's that? - I am Arvid.

I am hard to explain.

- What are you doing?

I had a plan for us.

We were gonna go out and meet women on the prowl.

And when that didn't work out, we were gonna live together

like the Golden Girls.

Except, you know, two dudes and one of our moms.

- I get it. He seems nice.

But, I mean, who even is he?

- All right, everybody, just simmer down.

We're here to celebrate.

- Slow your roll there, J.

Let me holla at you for a second.

Listen.

Listen.

You gotta understand where I'm coming from.

That woman adopted me.

Changed my life.

I need to know if you can be trusted with her heart.

- I love your mom very much.

You can trust me.

- Look me in the eyes when you say it.

- I just did.

- I know.

I'm just loving this attitude on me.

We're cool.

- Okay, now that we are all cool,

I would like to present to you the morgen gava.

- The who and wava?

- The morgen gava.

The traditional wedding gift that a Norwegian groom

gives to his bride. Hello!

[yelps] Not while I'm looking!

- What is happening?

- Okay, I did it.

- Oh, goodness!

Just what we always wanted--

6 pounds of raw herring.

- 96 ounces-- one for every year

of happiness that I wish you.

- Aw.

- Why does this rando know you got married before we did?

- I no rando. You rando.

- We tell each other everything.

- I know. I know.

- Hello!

The bitch is back.

Listen, that needs to go to the dry cleaners,

and there's plenty more in my car.

I'm borrowing your maid.

Oh! Is that Norwegian wedding fish?

Who got married?

What?

You married the maid?

- I'm not the maid.

- Claudia, this is Jeanie, my wife.

- Wha--

[glass clinking]

- I would like to, uh, take this opportunity

to not be here.

- So you're Claudia?

- Yes, his ex.

- He didn't murder her.

- You barely know each other. Are you even compatible?

- In every way.

- Beach or pool?

both: Beach. - [gasps]

I didn't know you liked beaches.

- Well, I thought we were saying

what the other person liked.

- Okay, 'cause I-- I like pools too.

- Don't really like those, either.

I'm more of a bookstore guy.

- Okay, spring or fall?

- Fall. - Spring.

- Coffee or tea?

- Tea. - Coffee.

- Fjord or glacier?

- All right, hey. Everybody, just stop.

This is silly.

We are on the same page about all the big things,

and that's all that really matters.

- Where are you going to live?

- My place. - Our place.

- Okay.

Well, I hope you brought plenty of Norwegian divorce trout,

'cause we're gonna need it.

- As long as we're together, I don't care where we live.

- Me, either.

- Although I do know a great place.

Big kitchen, lovely pool house.

Your husband lives there.

- Well, I know a cute spot where your wife lives.

Rooftop deck, spectacular sunsets.

Comes with two children.

- I mean, it's kind of small.

- How about we Goldilocks it?

Give both places a fair shake?

Mine tonight and here tomorrow night.

- That sounds good. Now, come to Papa Bear.

Nope. Heard it. Sorry.

- Am I interrupting?

- Perfect timing.

- I am coming to collect my rucksack before saying goodbye

and heading off into the giant and unexpectedly

terrifying city of Los Angeles.

- Don't. - I won't.

- Ah.

- Don't.

- I won't.

- Be brave, little Milky.

- I have to.

Uh, Milky, do you have a place to stay?

- Ah. Do not to worry.

I have found a place.

And I will go now.

I am lagged from jet.

- Okay, great.

And thank you for the herring.

- Ah, my pleasure.

- [breathes deeply]

- Well, we got some time.

Wanna get back in bed?

- Couch is closer.

[chuckles]

[giggles]

- Just stay in the pool house!

- You got it, boss.

- See?

This isn't so small.

And it's just a quick, dangerous e-bike ride

to the beach.

- I can see moving into my beach era.

I'm ready to get leathery.

- Yeah.

And look at this big, comfy couch.

Plenty of room.

- What are we watching?

- Reality.

- Excellent.

I did my thesis on reality.

Is this show about Platonic or Aristotelian ideals?

No, no, don't tell me.

It'd be fun to figure it out.

Who is that?

- That's Brittany.

- Who's she yelling at? - Meredith.

- Shh! - Why?

- Because she accosted her on the plane back from Canouan.

- Allegedly. I don't buy it.

Meredith's too classy for that.

- [laughs]

- I'm disengaging.

- I don't get it.

- I thought you said this guy was smart.

[upbeat music]

- This is fun. - This is fun.

Oh!

- Oh. Sorry, bro.

- Lolo, we're in here.

- Cool. Me too. - [grunts]

- Sorry, bro.

- Excuse me.

- Uh, not that I have to, but how does it work

when somebody actually has to go to the bathroom?

- Honor code. No one looks.

- Well, I'm gonna let you guys have the room.

Uh, the door's stuck.

Is there-- - Jiggle and pull.

Jiggle and pull. - All right, hold on, I just--

I don't get this. I don't get it.

Mom, why are we doing this?

Why wouldn't you just wanna live in a huge house

with the Indiana Jones of philosophy professors?

- You know what, it's actually not the first time

I've been called that.

- Look, we are staying there tonight.

We're just--you guys, we're just working things out, okay?

- Exactly. We're working things out.

Doorknob came off.

- Oh.

It happened again.

Who's going out the window this time?

both: Not it.

- Sorry, bro.

[upbeat music]

- Ding dong!

- Ah. Ms. Claudia?

[both speaking Norwegian]

- Oh.

I am impressed.

You speak Norwegian like a Norwegian

who left Norway and then missed Norway and came back.

- Listen, don't mind me.

I'm here all the time.

I mean, James got the house, but I got the contents.

So I pop by every now and then and do a little shopping.

Where's Tweedledee and Tweedledumdum?

- Ah.

They stay at Jeanie's last night.

I have worries they are avoiding me.

- Oh, nonsense.

There's nothing newlyweds love more than a needy house guest.

Listen.

Um, did you really come all this way

just to bring them a morgen gava?

- No.

I also have secret reason.

- Oh. What is it?

- I am too shy.

- Tell me. - I am too shy.

Okay.

I want to be James's teaching assistant here in Los Angeles.

- And does James want that?

- I don't think so.

- Well, then, let's make it happen.

- Also, I do not have a visa.

- Leave that to me.

Mommy knows how to work a consulate.

- Look at this.

Nice big bed.

You could fit five people in here.

Not that I would.

Not that I'm not open.

I'm not open.

- I--it's very nice here.

It's just so quiet.

Where are the helicopters?

Are your neighbors arguing?

We'll never know.

And let's--let's talk about your kitchen.

- What's wrong with my kitchen?

- It's downstairs.

I've never lived someplace with stairs on the inside.

- I'll have them removed.

- Can you have them replaced with my children?

I miss my babies.

- Your babies are what, like, 280 months?

Didn't they move out for college?

- Yeah.

But then they moved back in after George died,

and it was really nice to be together again.

I thought I was taking care of them.

They thought they were taking care of me.

And we all just got really tight-knit.

- Codependent.

Right. Tight-knit. Exactly.

- Here's a thought.

How about we're a couple that doesn't live together?

- I mean, it's interesting.

- We can have date nights and sleepovers.

Chumps who live together, they don't get to do that.

- Yeah, we're a modern couple. We can do whatever we want.

- We call the shots, go at our own pace.

- Get married fast and move in slow.

We make the rules.

- Yeah, we're crazy. - And wild.

- I feel really good about this.

- Me too.

- Me, too, as well.

- Arvid!

- Hi.

I hope I'm interrupting something.

- What are you doing here?

Don't you have to stay in your casket

till after the sun goes down?

- It's cloudy out.

Where's the little missus?

I was expecting this place to be lousy with rattan

and homemade ceramics by now.

- For your information, she's not moving in.

- Oh.

- We are a modern couple, and we're choosing to live apart.

- Uh-huh.

Dragging her toe-ringed feet.

Actually, it's great.

I actually appreciate it.

Much better for me.

- Why do you always turn everything about me

into something about you?

- Because you betrayed me, James.

- I'm not the one that had the affair

with their tennis teacher.

- It was my polo instructor.

And, anyway, listen, I was fine when I thought

that you were a cliché.

You know, bopping around with a 22-year-old,

Bill Belichicking your way through

your final miserable years.

But for you to fall in love and commit

to an intelligent, attractive, age-appropriate woman?

Do you know how embarrassing that is for me?

It's like you didn't even take my feelings into account.

- I didn't. I don't.

I'm living the life I wanna live.

- Yeah.

Newly married and living alone.

- Yes, that's our choice.

- Uh-huh.

- Who am I kidding?

It's not my choice.

I wanna be with her all the time, every day.

I--I'm gonna go over there.

- And do what?

Make your roast chicken?

- Claudia, you're a genius.

- I know that, but what'd I do?

- I haven't made my roast chicken yet.

- Oh, please don't.

And look, I hate to have to say this,

but it is delectable.

And what do you say?

I mean...

One last chicken?

For old time's sake?

- I'm sure your polo teacher makes good chicken too.

- You know, he's a vegan.

You are a monster.

- [clucks]

- Hey, Mom. What's the plan for today?

James coming here? Are you moving there?

Bottom line, do I have to fix this bathroom door?

- Fix it.

- Forget the door. Did you make a decision?

I'm so stressed, my rash came back.

The rash, Mom.

- I'm staying.

James and I have decided to live apart,

and I'm great with it.

- You are? - No, I hate it.

- Then why aren't you going?

- [sighs] Because I am scared of things changing.

- Since when?

You love change.

You looked at a 13-year-old juvenile delinquent and said,

you're my family.

- You're not a juvenile delinquent.

- I'm talking about her.

- You hotwire one golf cart...

- If I move out, I mean, how are you guys gonna manage?

I mean, who will keep your schedules organized,

book travel arrangements, make popcorn?

- AI, AI, microwave.

Mom, James lives three miles away, okay?

Between the huge TV and the pool,

we're gonna be there more than you even want.

- Impossible.

- More than James wants.

- Possible.

Poppy, how do you feel?

- Would this be my choice for you?

No.

Do I see that he loves you? Yes.

Do I want you to wait till I know if he has a wood chipper?

Yeah.

But I trust and support your decision.

I've given you roots and wings.

Now, get out of here before I cry.

- Don't worry about her.

We're gonna be fine when you're gone.

Right?

We're gonna go to museums.

We're gonna travel more.

We'll power-walk around the mall.

- That sounds fun.

- Are you guys saying this 'cause you're

the best kids in the world?

Or because you're already fighting over my room?

- Both things can be true.

- Her room's already mine. I called dibs.

- You have no vision for the space.

- You can't steal this, too, you klepto.

[upbeat music]

- Hi. I was ju--

- Before you say another word, welcome to date night.

- Okay.

Ooh.

That smells good.

What are you making?

- I'm making you wanna move in here with me.

I don't want date nights and sleepovers.

So I'm luring you here with my roasted chicken.

And this.

[car horns honking] [sirens wailing]

- Get out of the car with your hands up.

- Oh! My city noises.

- There's also a setting where you can

hear a rat eating a hot dog.

Right this way. - Okay.

all: Surprise!

- Oh, my people. Oh, wow.

- Oh, Mom, you can cancel my dermatology appointment.

The rash cleared up.

- It's just like home.

What are you guys doing here?

- James invited us.

- Not me. I was already here.

- I realized that home isn't a place.

It's a feeling.

Does this feel right?

- It's perfect.

- Will you move in with me?

- I already did.

Yeah, my car is out front.

I've got bags and boxes all crammed

in there, all my ceramics.

I even fit my rattan chair.

- Welcome home.

- Wow.

Chicken first, kissing later.

Let's eat.

- I'm starving. - Me too.

- And everybody save room for herring!

- Yes! - Yay!

[woman speaking Norwegian on TV]

- [laughs] - What is she saying?

- So Katja is saying to Margit, "That is my man, you bitch."

And Margit is saying to Katja, "Then why is he in my bed?"

[all exclaim]

- Oh, she's gonna throw that glass of aquavit

right in her face.

- Oh, there it goes!

- She's the worst.

- She is. - Who is?

- Katja. - Margit.

- Quiet, please.

Now is when they dance.

all: Oh, there's dancing?

♪ ♪