Original subtitles

Kellogg's, the best to you each morning from Kellogg's.

Brought to you by Kellogg's your best choice in cereals the best to you each

morning

Many stories have been written about the colorful characters of the Old West,

such as... Quickdraw McGraw!

No, not you, Quickdraw. Such as Billy the Little Kid.

It's Billy the Little Kid!

Give me all your jelly beans, Prato.

Don't shoot, Billy. Take the lollipops, too.

Thanks.

Giddyap, horsey.

Yes, Billy was quite a kid.

And equally as notorious was that famous gunfighter... Quick, growl, McGraw!

No, no, I'm talking about the fearless Wild Bill Hiccup.

That's Wild Bill Hiccup!

Pardon me, Wild Bill. What makes you so wild?

It's these darned hiccups.

But there was one famous character they didn't write about.

Quickdraw McGraw!

And it's about time they did.

I'm sorry, Quickdraw, but it's not you.

Then you must mean me.

No, it isn't you either, Baba Louie. Well, for Pete's sake, whom do you moan?

I mean me.

I mean none other than the bandit queen herself, Texas Tilly!

That's right, boys.

Check him out.

if you don't mind.

Yes, ma'am. Our pleasure, ma'am.

A gentleman always removes his hat in the presence of a lady.

Allow me, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Drat that Texas Tilly.

She got clean away with all our money.

Well, you're the sheriff. Why don't you go after her?

Well, I need a haircut and a shave and I'm married and...

Besides, she's dangerous.

How about you, gentlemen?

Don't you want to be Western heroes?

Sure. Well, why don't you capture Texas Tilly?

Are you kidding?

She's dangerous.

Hold on there.

I'm not afraid of a mere, frail, sensitive female-type bandit. I will

capture her myself.

You hopes.

What's that, Baba Louie?

I said, you're our only hope, Quickstraw.

And so Quickstraw McGraw set out to do the job everyone else was afraid to do.

Say, Quickstraw, how are you going to capture this female bandit? You going to

shoot her?

Babalooey, I'm surprised at you.

A gentleman never shoots a lady.

It's some sort of a code or something.

I figured I'd outsmart her into jail.

That's where Texas Tilly lives, Quickstraw.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Sure, I'm sure.

Females dote on dressed-up dudes who come a-callin' and bearin' gifts.

I'll present her with this pair of bracelets, which in reality is a pair of

jeweled handcuffs.

That's pretty smart, Quickstraw.

I think.

You wait here, Baba, whilst I go capture Texas Tilly.

I hope she's home.

Who's there?

It is I, Cane Clobber. Good-looking Western-type dude. Come to pay you a

visit and a bearing you a gift.

Oh, how nice.

Come in, Mr. Cane Clobber.

I'm much obliged, ma'am. I tromped a long way to meet you.

I have a pair of bracelets with 12 diamonds for you.

Huh? And I have a pair of six-shooters with 12 bullets for you.

Help! Baba Boy, help!

Quickstraw, what happened?

Don't ask foolish questions, Baba. Go get a file.

These jeweled cuffs are killing me.

Are we going to a masquerade party, Quickstraw? No, Baba Boy.

Females is known to swoon at the sound of a serenade neath their window.

And I am going to swoon Texas Tilly to jail with my singing.

I'm afraid if you start singing, we go to jail.

Oh, give yourself up, Texas Tilly.

You're naught but a frail female.

So give yourself up, Texas Tilly, and let me take you to jail.

Now can we go home quick, Straw?

Without bringing back Texas Tilly?

Absolutely not.

This Quickstraw is as stubborn as a mule.

Huh? What was that?

I said, Quickstraw is no fool.

Females is skittish and scare-easy.

I'll scare her so much, she'll want to go to jail.

I hates to do this to the frail little thing, but it's my duty.

Boo! Boo!

Boo!

Boo!

Ooh,

that smarts.

What are we going to do now, Quickstraw? We fight fire with fire and females with

females. Oh, Ma!

Ma McGraw!

Yes, Ma.

There's a weak, sensitive-type female bandit who won't let me arrest her, Ma.

Oh, she won't, eh? Well, we'll see about that.

Hold on, there, female bandit.

Oops. Now, you let my boy Quickstraw arrest you if he finds it necessary.

to capture Texas Tilley.

T'weren't nothing to it, Sheriff.

And I did it all by myself, too.

Quickdraw, you just told a big fab.

Now, you just come along with me. I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap.

Oh, Ma, I was only joshing.

Honest, Ma.

Ouch, ouch. Cut it out, Ma.

Ooh, that smarts.

I like that Quickdraw. He's good to his mother.

If he knows what's good for him.

Stop! Stop!

Please, stop!

Oh, my expensive diamonds!

Come back!

Come back!

Come, my little pets.

That's right.

Into the shack you go.

A nice haul!

Snooper Detective Agency.

We're laughing on the outside and prying on the inside. Snoop speaking.

Who? J.B. Spiffany?

Your diamonds disappeared?

No thief?

They, uh, just took off by themselves?

Screwball calls is one of the occupational hazards of a private eye.

Blab, hurry.

Retrace this call.

I think maybe it's some joker's idea of an impractical joke.

Right, Chief.

Are you the J.B. Spiffany whose diamonds took off by themselves?

The said self-same. Thanks.

Is him all right, Snoop?

Of course, you understand, if we don't find the diamonds, there's no charge.

That's awfully decent of you.

Except, of course, expenses, which is a roundly figure of, say, $10,000.

That's cheap at half the price, gentlemen, for I'm down to my very last

diamond, the pride of my collection, the Star of Saskatoon.

Lovely, isn't it?

Gosh, Snoop, isn't it exquisite?

Yeah, a high-class paperweight.

Let's not be so rough with a diamond, J.B.

But I didn't.

Come on, Blab. Follow that rolling stone.

Look where it's going, Snoop. Straight into Scratchit's flea circus.

What do you see, Snoop? A sight for sore private eyes, Blab.

It's Scratchit, the flea trainer.

Looks like he was left holding a bag.

So? The fleeing diamonds were caused by fleeing fleas.

Yeah, diamonds.

Lots of diamonds.

Today it's diamonds, but tomorrow, who knows?

Maybe Fort Knox.

I wonder how you arrest a flock of fleas.

Search me, but they're cute as bug's ears.

Who is out there?

Just a couple of flea fanciers, sir.

Well, fancy this.

What's he gonna do now, Snoop?

Fight fleas with fleas. You're going to impersonate a flea? No, but I'm getting

one who can, on account of he is a flea.

Gosh, Snoop, you mean Toots Sweet, the famous French flea detective?

You probably voted, Blab.

Wow, what do you know?

Snoop got a letter at last.

It's a letter, Snoop. It's probably a please-remit-payment-immediately bill.

I deduce it's from France.

Why? Because it has a French stamp on it. If it was from Mesopotamia, it would

have a Mesopotamian stamp, right?

Blab. Then I can safely say it's not from Mesopotamia.

Blab. Ah, but why isn't it from Mesopotamia, you may well ask?

All right, Blab, knock it off. I accept your deductions.

Voila, snooker, my old friend.

I have flown every... Toot sweet, as I live to breathe, all the way from

France. From Mesopotamia, I am not.

And, lords, why have you sent for me?

Uh, because you're joining the play circus, old colleague.

Uh, here's the camper.

So you're an actor.

Mais oui, the French coast of Paris.

Observe, Monsieur Labosse.

I do the dance.

Yes, yes, but can you still?

Still? I do not understand, monsieur.

Never mind. All in good time.

Meanwhile, you may join your fellow performers in there.

Oui, monsieur.

Say, do we plan the same bill once in Cincinnati?

I doubt it.

Now remember, Blamp, we're a couple of out-of-town high school teachers.

Touch it, Snoop.

Except I feel so silly.

Let's go.

Two in the front row.

Yes, ma'am.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting direct from Paris, France, not Mesopotamia,

Monsieur Tootsweet and his version of the Charge of the Light Brigade.

My beautiful diamonds!

Come back!

On to the getaway car!

Quick!

And now, little doggie, get along!

Ladies and gentlemen, due to temperamental fleas, the show is over.

You mean it's over for you, Scratchit. So slip on these tentacles.

I'm just a harmless old diamond thief.

Don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

Au revoir, Snooper.

Until the next case.

Bon voyage, Tootsweet.

Farewell, my friends.

Have a nice flight to Gay Perry, Tootsweet.

Thank you. Merci.

You're welcome, little colleague.

It was a pleasure paying for your first class special delivery airmail...

Look at this kid's room. What a mess.

Oh, Augie, my boy, who is never around when I want him, where are you?

Here I am, dear old dad, who never knows where to find me.

I know your room is a veritable junkyard, Augie, but you won't need a

pick and shovel to clean it up. Oh, the butler and maid are going to clean up

hard-working dad.

If we got butlers and maids around here, I haven't seen them, Augie. You will,

dad. As soon as my pirate friend tells me where to dig for treasure.

Ahoy there, Captain Plasma.

Ahoy there, you swab.

Did you bring the cracker?

Uh-huh. Did you bring the treasure map?

No, matey. But don't you worry none.

It's all written down in me nimble brain, you might say.

Can we dig for it now?

Huh? Huh? Can we? Huh?

When a boy hangs around with pirate parrots.

It's time his father consulted the child's psychological book.

Beating up on kid brothers, painting the cat blue, inviting crocodiles for tea.

Ah, here it is. Boys hanging around with pirate parrots.

Sometimes a boy shows his gratitude to his dad by bringing him a treasure,

which only a pirate parrot... can help him find.

So, Hulk, he is just trying to be grateful to his dear old dad.

It makes me want to cry.

48, 49, 50, 51, 52.

Aye, Governor.

53, 54, 55, 56.

The treasure should be right there, me lad.

The treasure should be right there, me lad.

What an imagination.

Start digging, matey.

Start digging?

Huh? Poggy, wait!

You're ruining my night-blooming nasturniums.

Not to mention my spring-blooming avunculus.

Poggy, stop that digging.

But Dad of Dads, I'm doing this all for you.

Then do this for me. Put back my nasturniums.

Oh, the shame of it.

Mine own male parent prefers nasturniums to pieces of eight.

And I'll make pieces of parrot out of you if you don't scram.

Here now, careful, governor.

I bruise as easy I do.

I'll leave for Treasure Island. That's what I'll do.

And I'll go with you. We can dig there, I bet you.

Goodbye, dear old dad.

Wait a minute, Augie. Don't go.

I'd much rather you dug up my night brewing nasturniums.

After all...

Treasure Island isn't exactly just around the corner.

Gosh.

You're the best daddy in the whole world.

And don't forget all the seven seas.

There's no treasure down here either, Captain Plasma.

If I don't do something soon, my yard will look like something to throw old

razor blades in.

Well, if you can't lick them... Join them. Then you can lick them.

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of sass-sass-sparilla, mates.

It's dear old Buccaneer Dad.

Come to join us.

Not so blinkin' fast, me bucko. How do we know you're a pirate?

Just ask me something in pirate.

All right, now.

Name the seven C's.

Ha, that C's.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. All right. Now, what's a hatch?

A hatch is what a chicken does to an egg.

I mean, final question, what's a jolly Roger?

A happy fellow named Roger.

What else?

Hooray! You passed 100%, Seaworthy Dad.

Then as a member of the crew, I suggest we go dig in an empty lot.

Oh, for mo'. You haven't passed the physical yet.

I meant perfect health. The pirate physical, I mean.

The pirate physical?

What do I have to do?

A question I'm sure I'll be sorry I asked.

Test number one, walk in the plank.

It's simple, dear old dad.

Oh, I'm sure I'll fall right into it, Oggy. Walk, you swab.

Ouch!

Oggy, help!

Now, test number two, boarding an enemy vessel.

Board it good, dad.

Yo, ho, ho, and here I go.

Roger, I do believe there's a pirate hanging from our sycamore tree.

Have you read Treasure Island lately?

Scram, you puny pirate.

Who did it, Dad?

It was that jolly Roger I was telling you about.

Test number three.

Sailing a bounded main in such a swag.

Off you go, matey.

What a father won't do for his boy.

Now, while he's gone, we'll get on with your digging, Skipper.

This is most embarrassing.

I haven't even got a boat license.

Yikes! Better down the hatches.

Ahoy, Captain.

Reporting a buccaneer galleon or something dead ahead, sir.

Cattle stations!

Man the guns!

If I had my fishing pole, I bet I'd catch a big one.

Oh, Augie, home is the sailor. Dad, did you bring back any pieces of eight?

No, Augie, just me.

In one piece, I hope.

That's all right, disappointed dad.

We found the treasure.

Treasure? Where?

Hear me, bucko.

And it's still to the gills with bills.

Jump in government mint sauce.

It's money.

What'll we do with it, rich father?

Hmm.

There's only one thing we can do with this money, Augie.

A bloomin' Rembrandt couldn't have painted a better looking picture than

this. Eh, matey?

Right you are, sir.

After all.

How many boys are so rich they can paper their walls with money?

Confederate money, that is.

Your best choice in cereals. The best to you each morning has brought you Quick

Draw McGraw.