Original subtitles

Kellogg's, the best to you each morning from Kellogg's.

Brought to you by Kellogg's your best choice in cereals the best to you each

morning

This is Dry Gulch Junction, a wild and woolly town in the middle of Arizona,

famous for its opera house, the only theater west of the Mississippi.

One day, two strangers get off the train at Dry Gulch Junction, the notorious

dandy Bumbershoot Bam and his partner, Baba Louie. The only weapon Bumbershoot

Bam carries is an innocent-looking umbrella, which he uses with great

dexterity against his enemies.

Eat it, Floyd, or I'll bumper you good.

Watch this lightning draw.

Ooh, that's smarts.

Hey,

watch it, will you?

In reality, Bumbershoot Bam is none other

than...

The famous lawman, Quickdraw McGraw.

The highfalutinest, fastest shootinest cowboy you ever saw.

I think he's safer with the Bumbershoot.

Oh, Quickdraw.

Yes? What can I you for do?

A foot for you.

I mean do for you.

Why are you disguised as Bumbershoot Bam?

I'm after Box Office Smash, the theater bandit. Is he in town?

I know he is.

Because wherever Sagebrush Sal, the Kansas Canary, goes, he fallers.

Hey, Quickstraw, look.

They're smashing up the box office now.

One in the front row.

I'll hold up the box office after I see the show.

Let's go, Bubba Boy.

There's dirty work afoot in the mezzanine.

Did you see a suspicious-looking character around here?

You're the first one today.

Well, we have two tickets.

One adult and one itty-bitty child.

That's an itty-bitty child.

Sorry, Quickster. I forgot to shave this morning.

I want Sal!

I want Sal!

Bring on Sal!

Hold on more, box office smash.

You're under arrest.

And it's only fair to warn you that I'm the fastest Bumbershoot in the West!

What the... Who put the lights out?

What is this? A comedy act?

Beat it!

Ouch! Ouch! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ouch! Itch!

That's smart!

You again?

Never mind your lip!

Let me have a ticket.

This way, sir.

Thank you, kindly.

I mean kindly.

The best seats are in the balcony, sir.

Is that a fact?

Just one more flight, sir.

Good. My feet are getting out of breath.

Right through here, sir.

Much obliged, usher. And watch that last step.

Yikes.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Let me have two more tickets.

Well, you'd better hurry. The show is just starting.

Yippee! Yahoo!

Welcome to Dry Ghost Junction, Sal.

Start the show.

The boy stood on the burning deck. His feet were

full of blisters. He tore his pants.

on a rusty nail.

And now he wears his sister's.

Oh, Swan.

She tears my heart out.

Encore! Encore!

I don't think it will work, Quickstraw.

Well, I think it will.

I'll ask for a volunteer from the audience.

And when box office comes up here, I'll slip these cuffs on him.

For my first magical act, I will conjure a rabbit from a

hat.

Hello. I am a rabbit, I think.

Boo!

Boo! Get off the stage and get Sage Brassel back.

If you'll volunteer for my next trick, sir, I'll introduce you to Sal.

You.

I'm the best volunteer west of the Mississippi.

What do I do?

Hold out your hands whilst I slip these bracelets on.

I tricked you, box office, with my trick handcuffs.

Trick handcuffs?

Well, what do you know?

They are trick handcuffs.

Now I'll show you a trick.

Hey, Quickstraw, wait for the rabbit.

Two, please.

Why don't you buy a season pass?

You'll save money.

Hey, Ope. Hey, Ope.

Somebody save me.

Hey, Quickstraw, look.

Box Office Smash is running away with Sage Barsal. Please marry up with me,

Sal. I'm loco about you.

Never. Hold on there, Box Office.

Drop that Kansas City Canary. I'll rob the bank for you if you'll hitch up with

me. Never.

If you'll wed with me, I'll get you a booking at the palace.

My hero.

Hey, look at that, Quickstraw.

We'll get hitched right away, Box Office, and spend our honeymoon at the

palace. What do we do now, Quickstraw?

I bought 47 theater tickets, and I'm gonna see a show!

Bring on the show!

Bring on the show!

Encore! Encore!

The boy stood on the burning deck.

His heat was full of blisters.

But that's show business, I think.

Snooper to Hazel.

Hooper to Snazel. Come in, Huzzle. I mean, Hazel.

Hello, Chief.

How's your new prowl cycle working out?

Fine. It's a great gas saver.

Ask her how her parakeet's cold yesterday, Snoop.

Okay, Blab.

How's your parakeet's cold, Hazel?

He's still got it, Bob.

Listen. Achoo!

Achoo! Achoo!

Gesundheit. Thank you. Well, keep his feet warm, and I'll check back later.

Snoop's a bird lover at heart.

Any occupational calls, Hazel?

Only one, boss.

The all-out insurance company wants to talk to you right away.

What is it, Snoop? It's either a 503 or a 714.

What's the difference, Snoop? Well, uh, they're either dropping me policy or we

got a job.

Uh, let's go.

No, I'm not dropping your policy.

I've got a job for you.

Mr. J.P. Lavishly is giving his wife the famous Boom D.A. tiara for her birthday.

Gee, I love birthday parties, Snoop. Quiet, Lab.

Also, the international jewel thief Lightfingers Francois is back in town.

Unless I've been misled, you want us to guard the said tiara Boom D.A. from the

said Lightfingers Francois.

Snoop touches on fast, the mark of a good detective.

Can you plant a butler and a maid in the J.P. Lavishly home tonight?

Say, Snoop, Hazel can be the maid.

What? And leave her parakeet alone?

Where is your family togetherness, Blab? Then whom will you use, Snooper?

Blab and I will presume the role of butler and maid.

You're gonna look funny dressed up as a maid, Snoop.

Snoop, these high heels make me dizzy.

You'll get used to it, Blab.

Your slimp is showing.

Oops!

That's better.

Leave us enter the premises.

Yes?

The agency sent us to help with the birthday festivities.

My name is Snooperson, and this is the downstairs scullery maid, Miss Blabson.

How's it do?

I'm sure.

Coochie, coochie, coochie.

You're a cute little rascal.

I think the domestics have arrived, J.P.

Will you ring, my dear?

Yes, my dove.

Did you thing a wink, sir?

Yes. Take this birthday gift to my wife.

How monetary kind of you, sir.

Oh, J.P., you remembered.

I hope it's expensive.

Oh, Miss Blampson, bring in the natal day birthday cake.

A happy birthday to you, ma'am. A happy birthday to you, ma'am. I know you look

like a million.

You're only 55.

You're only 55.

Oh, my expensive gift. It's gone.

Get someone to scream for me.

Don't worry, dear.

It's heavily insured.

Hi, light fingers, Francois. Take the cake for the brains, no?

Hey, Snoop, the cake is getting away.

And so is it, the Arabundi.

Stop thief in the name of the private eye group insurance plan.

Yeah, stop.

These high heels are killing me.

Hey, officer.

Did you see a fugitive birthday cake fleeing by this way?

A fugitive birthday cake, is it? And did it have candles on it? Yeah, it just

stole a million-dollar tiara.

And it speaks with a French accent.

Whoosh! I've hit the jackpot I have.

Say, how would you like to come along with me and meet an apple strudel that

talks Portuguese?

Gee, that sounds like fun.

Quiet, Blab.

Come along quietly now, and we'll talk it over with the sergeant.

Hey, what am I doing up here?

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur policeman, but you are standing on my candles.

What in the world?

It's the absconding French pastry.

After him, blab.

Sure as meself. We'll be talking Portuguese to the dappled strudel.

Here we go, Snoop. He ran right into that bakery.

We got a cauldron and a frozen custard pie. Now, Blab.

Good evening. Can I help you? We're looking for a birthday cake.

Well, you certainly came to the right place.

We're loaded with them. Take your pick.

I'll take me pick with this pick.

That's not it.

That's not it.

That's not it.

Ouch! I am the stock.

That's it.

Come on out, light fingers Francois. I got you dead to lefts and rights.

May I make a suggestion, monsieur?

Sure, sure.

Always wear blueberry pie, monsieur.

It goes good with your complexion.

Did we bake that cake?

Ooh, aren't we clever.

Only that birthday cake.

I see him, Snoop. Where?

He jumped in that barrel.

Well, he won't be in there for long.

How do you know, Snoop?

It's elemental, Bland. It only substitutes these dynamite sticks for

the bractic candles.

Then I enlightens him.

And waits for the blast.

And Viola. No more barrel.

My dear old mother always said I was a lot of noise.

She was right.

Happy birthday, Mrs. JP.

Happy birthday, Mrs. JP. Although you look like a million, you're only 56.

55?

Leave his face it, Mrs. JP. You'll never see 60 again.

How dare you?

Snoop always was a stickler for figures.

Look at him. Dear old tired dad.

It says in my psychology book, even when daddies don't feel well, they won't show

it. So their children won't worry.

Oh, the shame of it. I've been a selfish son.

But things are going to be different from now on.

First, I'll cover him with this blanket so he won't catch cold when he takes a

nap.

Hey, what happened?

I'm suffering, Tating.

Help, Augie. Get me out of here.

Did you hurt yourself, Grandfather?

It's nothing, Augie. I just stubbed my toe. You have a broken leg, but you

don't want me to worry. No, no, Augie, my son.

I'm in the best of health.

It's no use hiding it from me, Dad. I'm taking care of you.

It would be unfathomable of me to stifle his ambition to be a doctor.

You're absolutely right, Augie. I think my leg is broken.

Oh, ouch.

Oh, woe is me.

Oh, oh, ouch. Oh.

Augie, this cast weighs a ton.

How will I prepare dinner?

I'm preparing dinner helpless, Dad.

Uh-oh.

Something tells me I'm going to wish I really broke my leg.

Here you are, famished father.

This T-bone steak will mend your broken leg.

Thanks, Augie, my son.

It looks scrumptious.

Well, what do you know?

My favorite fruit, T-bone steak.

Call me when you're finished, Dad.

Maybe stubbing my toe ain't so bad after all.

Huh? Hey, Augie!

Finished already, Hungry Dad?

Well, here's another steak.

What finished?

The first steak wasn't even there for me to start.

Don't apologize, Dad. There's more where that came from.

I don't get it. I'm sure I didn't land on my head.

Ha-ha!

Oogie! Bless your heart, dear old hungry dad.

Here's another steak.

I haven't had a steak yet.

That cat's been stealing them. But dad, we have no cat.

It's a hallucination.

Well, the hallucination is eating my dinner.

Poor dad, it's feverish. I better get some ice.

Hello, sawhead.

You can't move, can you?

No, lucky for you.

If I could get my hands on you, I'd... Oh, shut up.

Hoggy, that cat just whacked me with that steak.

And I can show you the T-bone mark.

Sure he did.

But this ice will cool you off, perspiring papa.

Now, isn't that better?

Offhand, I can enumerate.

A dozen situations that I think is better. Cool your fevered brow, Dad.

I'll fix another steak.

Another steak?

I'll settle for the first.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, cool.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Make him stop, Augie.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Glad you're feeling better, convalescent Dad.

I feel terrible, Augie, my son.

That cat is tickling my foot.

He's hysterical. The ice must be too much for him.

Does that feel better, uncooperative parent?

Hucky, my son, if you don't tie me loose, I'll be forced to do something

drastic. Oh, gosh, Dad. I don't know if I should.

Dad?

You struck me buggy my son. I did not for the first time You

struck me bulky hitting you would make me very sad

Your old

dad has gone off the deep end. I better get some help

You caught?

I happen to be a doctor happening by, by a mere happenstance. Are you

happy? Your troubles are over, dear old dad.

I got a doctor to help me.

Good. Maybe he can convince Augie that I just got a stubbed toe.

I got here just in time.

It's a clear case of cataphrina hallucinations.

See, I told you, Dad.

But, Doc, I only stubbed my toe. That is the way that it starts.

Now, tell me, does he have a craving for T-bone steaks? Mm-hmm. Then does he

insist some, you should pardon the expression, cat stole them?

That's right.

Is there a cure?

Only one. Lots of T-bone steaks. Go get them.

Yes, sir. T-bone steaks coming up.

And as for you, I'm afraid we will have to operate.

Operate? For a stub toe?

Stub toe, eh?

When I get finished, you won't even have that.

Augie, help!

Come on, suffering dad.

Ah, the snakes.

Give them to me, boy.

And go wait outside.

Right, doctor.

And as for you, Sorehead, I'll operate as soon as I finish my lunch.

Why, you're no doctor.

You're that steak-stealing cat.

What's your language, sir?

When I can't go to the doctor, the doctor comes to me.

Must you go so soon, Doc?

Well, I could stick around for a game of checkers.

Good.

And I'll make the first move.

Hey, doctor.

Is my daddy all right?

He was never healthier.

Oh, dad.

Yes, my son, my son.

In the future, let me know when you're not feeling well so I can help you. If I

did that, Augie, I'm afraid I'd have no future.

Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay, galloping all the way, there goes quick-draw McGraw.

Kellogg's, your best choice in cereals. The best to you each morning has brought

you quick-draw McGraw.

Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay, galloping all the way, brain base are on your chest.

I'll draw all of the rest.

Plastic's gone in the rest.

Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay.

Let's go.