Original subtitles

Previously on just shoot me...

- I wanna work in New York,

so we can, you know, be together.

- Wow, I don't know what to say.

You are so sweet.

- Hey, Elliot.

What's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong. Everything's right.

Kaylene is changing her life for me.

- You look all clammy.

- She's gonna want me to change my life

and I don't want to.

I love my life.

I love sleeping on the diagonal.

I love having a room just for my berets.

- Hey, you don't have to convince me.

Being single rocks.

- Yes, it rocks.

- No one to tell you what to do.

- You can do whatever you want.

- Whenever you want.

- Whoever you want.

- Wrong, you and me is wrong.

- Oh, you're right. Wrong!

- It was wrong before.

- It's still wrong. Very wrong.

- You slept with me because you have a commitment problem.

You used me.

- Oh, please. Please.

You used me because you're tired of going home

to your lifetime channel and your soup for one.

- Okay, no more talking.

- Maya, are you alright?

- Yes, of course.

I lost my damn passport and when I find it I'm out of here.

- Maybe we should talk in here, kaylene.

- So, what's going on?

- This is so hard.

Okay, you're terrific. No question

but when I imagine myself with someone special,

I'm imagining someone else.

Wait a second,

you're leaving me for another woman?

Awaken sinners!

Wake up before it's too late.

God sees you drinkin' and fornicatin'...

- What the hell?

- I don't know. Last week that was hot jazz.

Wow, I have a boyfriend.

- What?

You're telling me this now?

- No, it's you, you dope.

Yeah.

- Oh man.

When we walk into work today and tell everyone

it's going to blow their minds.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, we can't tell anyone.

- Why not?

- Well, lots of reasons.

- Such as?

- Your dad.

- Oh, come on, what is he gonna say?

- Well, you first came to blush he said,

"you go near my daughter and I'll fire you,"

so he might say, "you're fired."

- He really said that?

- Uh-huh.

- I hope you told him to get lost.

- Oh, come on. - Elliot!

- He's my boss.

Plus you were all broken out that week.

- It was a new job, I was nervous.

- So, we're agreed then?

We won't tell anybody especially your dad?

- Are you kidding?

I'm not gonna let him push us around.

In fact, I am gonna tell him first.

In fact, I'm gonna call him right now.

- No, Maya, Maya, Maya, please, no

or we wait a few months

and then we tell them,

so when we do tell them he knows we're serious.

I'm almost positive that's the best plan.

- Alright

but we can still tell Finch and Nina, right?

Because man we're gonna blow their minds.

- If anybody finds out you know its gonna get back to Jack.

- Okay. You're right.

- Wait a second.

They still think I'm on vacation,

so when I walk in there today,

I'm still gonna blow their minds.

- You know,

this is a very interesting side of you.

- Okay, now, to avoid suspicion,

we're not gonna be able to be affectionate at work.

- Mhm. All right.

Well, you might wanna cover up that giant hickey.

- What? Where?

Oh no, is it bad?

- It's not that bad, it's not that bad,

just make sure you keep it covered.

- How?

- I don't know.

Duct tape and beer coaster maybe.

- Cheese me.

There's breakfast and lunch.

- Hey,

have you guys tried these chug worth iced teas?

- You said they taste like aluminum.

- Sure, there's a certain metallic twang

but they make up for it

with these hilarious jokes under the caps.

Why did the woman marry the baker?

She was after his dough. Ha!

- So, why is that funny?

- Well, most of them are better.

- Hey, Kevin!

What does your cap say?

- Chug worthy.

- The other side.

- You in a Fanny pack.

- Ha! Fanny pack.

I don't get it.

- It's a contest, a joke means you lose.

- Oh really? You mean I've been losing every time?

That just doesn't seem fair.

- Well, if it's any consolation,

you're a multi-millionaire with 10 cars and a child bride.

- I guess.

- Mm. Aluminum.

- Hey, Dennis, has Maya's date called?

- Oh, Carl?

Yeah, here.

He said to tell you,

"he couldn't imagine seeing anymore of your daughter."

- Aww. Oh.

- Hey, do you want me to try another dating service?

- Forget it.

I've already devoted way too much time to this.

We got a deadline in three days

and I've got a mountain of work waiting for me in there.

- Should I cancel your facial?

- Dennis,

you gotta stop and smell the roses.

Hey, Finch,

could you schedule a facial for me, too?

- Yeah, I guess I could squeeze you in after Jack.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Huh? Huh?

I'm supposed to be in France, remember?

- Oh, yeah.

- Huh?

- So, what happened?

- Well, instead of going on my vacation this week,

I decided to wait a few months.

Don't ask me why.

- He-he, don't worry.

- Hey guys.

- Hey there.

Good morning Elliot.

I'm preparing some copy for you,

it should be completed by Tuesday afternoon.

- All right. Thanks.

- When will the accompanying photos be ready

as I need to write the captions.

- Careful or the humans will hear us.

- What's so funny?

- Apparently she has not received her emotion chip.

- Perhaps it has been too long since her last servicing.

- Elliot.

Boy toy at 12 o'clock.

- Hey Nina, keep your voice down.

I mean, god, he's hot.

- If you go for that type.

- Oh, I do.

Wouldn't it be great to bounce a quarter off those buns?

- Notice her fluid simulation of a sexual female...

- Dude, that's over.

- What's wrong with you?

- Me?

- Yeah, why did you make fun of me before?

"Look at Maya, she's a loser."

- I didn't mean it.

I was purposefully not being too nice to you

to protect our secret.

What about you ogling the delivery guy?

- Well, you deserved it.

- You said some stuff about his buns.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm the one with the nice buns.

I've got the buns.

- Yes, I know. Yes.

See, we're clearly cover compensating

so as not to appear too lovely dovey

and it's making us mad at each other.

- All right. I mean we can be friendly at the office

as long as we're careful not to go too far.

- Yes, exactly.

Like we could pat each other on the back,

just not stroke each other's arms.

- We can pick something off the other person's sweater

but not brush her hair out of her face.

- That would be going too far. - Right.

As would this.

- What?

- That is what a French kiss is.

Good luck with the article.

- So, you and Elliot.

Well, I must say, I am shocked.

- Oh, yeah. One mind blown.

- But the copy room?

Show some class.

Now the supply closet has an air mattress

and a boom box.

- Nina, Nina,

no one else can find out about this.

- Oh, please, we might as well tell my dad.

She can't keep a secret.

- I can too.

Well, maybe not this one.

- Nina, I swear to god,

if you tell a soul I will tell

the entire staff your real age.

- You don't know my real age.

Your secret will go with me to my grave.

- Hey, what's up?

- Making copies. - Getting pens.

- Don't really care.

- Me too. Pens and perhaps pencils.

- Hold on.

You know something.

- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.

You're twitching.

- Can't a girl have a twitch?

- That's an I got an itch to snitch twitch.

- And who are you? Dr. Seuss?

- Okay, I can tell it's something good,

so I'll give you something first.

You know the night janitors?

They all have wives named Lois.

- So?

- So, there's like eight of them.

Am I the only one who finds that weird?

- Hey.

I've been looking everywhere for you people.

Check it out!

I won a skateboard.

- Jack. Nina knows something.

- No, she doesn't.

- Oh and now I know it involves you.

- Nina, you know my rule about office gossip.

It's gotta go through me first.

- Yeah, so spill it baby.

- Finch was born with a tail.

- Nina, nice try.

Come on people.

If she's not gonna tell us, she won't tell us.

Let's go.

- Ha-ha.

- Ha-ha.

- Hey, Nina.

I've got to ask you something.

- Give it up Finch, I don't know any secret

and even if I did,

and believe me, it's a doozy,

you'd be the last person I'd tell.

- All right, I have an offer.

$10 and an article about how a rabbit called 911.

- Oh forget it

but wait, how did a rabbit dial...

- Ahh-da-da.

- Well who cares anyway.

- Oh my god, these two are doing it!

- Shut up Finch.

- I knew it first! I knew it first!

- Okay, well to start, so many questions.

Well, I think the first question on america's mind is

are they real?

You're right, what's the difference?

Either way they're splendid.

- Don't you have anything better to do?

- Oh, I guess I know who's on top.

- And I know who sleeps with his socks on.

- Maya?

- I had to give her one little detail

to keep her mouth shut.

- Yeah, so mind your own business, Mr. Drools on his pillow.

- Anyway, now we might as well just tell my dad.

- Maya, no.

- She's right. I wanna tell him.

- I'm the official spy.

- Nobody's telling him.

- That seems unlikely.

- He's not gonna fire you besides it's a moot point,

the cat's out of the bag.

- We don't know that.

Maybe the cat's still in the bag.

Maybe the cat likes it in there

so let's just forget about the cat

and maybe the cat will never know that we're dating.

- Well, I'm confused, what cat?

- Meow.

Well it sounds like we have something to talk about.

- Well, I hope you're happy.

Now he's gonna fire me and use his contacts to black bone me

and I'm gonna end up taking pictures of babies at sears.

Smile for Elliot, you fat little blob of spit up.

- Don't be such a wuss.

Come on.

Well, now you know.

We didn't plan it but we're together.

What do you think of that?

- Sir.

- Well, I'm a little upset you felt you had

to hide it from me. - Here it comes.

- But other than that, if you two are happy,

I'm happy.

- Oh, really?

Really?

- So, you're not gonna fire me?

- Fire you?

- Yeah, you said if he dated me you would fire him.

- Oh, that was years ago

but now you guys are close friends,

you know each other, you trust each other.

That seems like a healthy way to start things off.

So, I say, good for you.

- Hey Jack, your wife's on the phone,

she forgot the security code to your apartment.

- What is so tricky about the number five?

- Man, I am relieved. I am so relieved.

Is that your look of relief?

God, I got so much to learn about you.

I gotta admit,

I didn't think it would be that easy.

- Oh, poof,

I coulda sold tickets to that show.

- What?

- Boy, he is very good.

- And kind.

- No, don't you see?

He couldn't come out and say how he really feels.

He's playing some sort of game with us,

probably to divide us.

- I don't think so.

- Oh, you see?

We're at each other's throats.

- We're hardly at each others...

- We are! We are at each other's throats.

- All right. If you say so.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Smile for Elliot.

- What?

- So,

are you two in love?

- Quiet.

- Are you two in love?

- Finch, you're such a baby.

- So, are you gonna have babies?

- You know,

I too have had my share of office romances,

some last, some don't but if you both act like adults

then no one has to get hurt.

Unless of course he's afraid to leave his shrew of a wife.

- Okay. Let's get started.

First we need to discuss a theme for next month's issue.

- Speaking of issues,

I just wanted to let you know

that Elliot and I will be leaving early on Friday

to drive up state to lake George for the weekend.

- Maya, what are you doing?

- Fine, it's gonna be more than fine.

Elliot and I, alone in the wood for two nights.

It's gonna be fine and dandy.

- Anyway, if we could get back to next month's issue.

- Oh, changing the subject?

I guess I hit a sore spot.

- Honestly, I'm just trying to get the meeting started.

We can gab about you and Elliot if you want.

I mean, after all,

40% of the people sitting at this table

are dating each other.

- 40%, Jack, sweetheart,

there are only 5 of us here.

- How could you do this to me?

- Do what?

- Be so damn understanding.

- Excuse me?

- Don't you realize that by dating Elliot

I could be making the biggest mistake of my life?

- Excuse me?

- Look at him. He's a compulsive womanizer.

Finch, how many woman has he slept with?

- Hundred. - Finch!

- Thousand?

- You see?

While you're sitting here talking

about your precious little magazine,

I have become 1,001.

- Maya.

- Well, it looks like only 3%

of us are interested in working.

- What the hell are you doing?

You humiliated me out there.

Biggest mistake of your life?

- I don't think that.

- Then why?

- But he should.

I mean, objectively you're a terrible choice

for a boyfriend.

- Yeah, you mentioned that recently.

- All my friends think you're a mistake.

- They do?

- Well yes, baby.

I've been trashing you for three years,

they'll come around.

- You know, I don't get it. I don't get it.

First you're mad because you know,

you think that he's trying to break us up

and now you're made because he isn't.

- Okay, look.

My whole life my father has hated every guy I've

ever been with.

That's the way I know he's looking out for me.

- Oh, Maya.

- And if he doesn't say anything about you,

someone with such obvious faults,

it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me.

- Maybe he thinks we'll break up so fast,

what's the point of arguing about it?

- I hope so.

- Really? They're going out?

- Heard it here first.

- Wow.

People are pairing up left and right around here.

Who do you think will be next? Nina?

- You are this close.

- You wanted to see me?

- You bet I did.

Close the door.

Sit.

- Maya, I've tried to be a good trooper,

I've tried not to meddle but the more I think about it

the more I realize I have to say what I feel.

- Which is?

- You know I like Elliot very much

but you dating him is a bad, bad idea.

- Really?

- You said it yourself,

he's a skirt chaser who has bailed out

on every serious relationship he's had in his life.

He's not good enough for you,

not for my daughter.

- Oh yeah?

Well you just stay the hell out of my life.

And I mean it.

- Is that what you wanted?

- Perfect. Thanks Jack. - You're welcome.

You do realize if you break her heart,

you'll be taking pictures at sears?

♪ Life keeps bring me back to you

♪ keeps bring me home

♪ it don't matter what I want to do

♪ cuz it's got the Mark of a tall

♪ life keeps bringing me back to you