Original subtitles

I'm simply saying that two hours is an exceptionally long time to spend on

one's hair. I mean, we so rarely get to attend a formal vampire event and now

we're very late.

It wasn't just my hair, Charles. I had to bathe. By my count, that's the third

one this month. How clean do you need to be?

Ah, Charles.

My God, what happened here?

It was werewolves.

You just missed them.

Oh, so what do you think of my hair now, Charles?

Lovely. Worth the wait. Okay. To protect yourselves from future attacks,

you must find the Wolfsbane

Chalice. Oh, he's dead.

Anyone else in here clinging to life know where or what the Wolfsbane Chalice

is?

Guess not.

Okay, we are going to leave it there for today. Please read Chapter 9 for next

time. And no, I won't go to the AEPI formal with you, Elliot.

Thank you.

Dr. Geltzer, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Well, I just wanted to let you know that the department has met and, well, you

are being considered for full professorship.

Seriously?

That's amazing.

Well, we all agree it's just a joy to watch you teach. I mean, the way you

speak about Napoleonic France.

It's like you were there, you know?

Well, I wasn't.

Yeah.

So do you have any big Halloween plans for tomorrow?

Oh, yeah. You know, the kids, they asked us to drop them off at Cascadia Ridge,

which is like this noted Halloween street.

This is so funny. We live on Cascadia Ridge.

Seriously? You and your wife should stop by for a little drink while the kids are

out trick-or-treating. That would be so fun. We could hand out candy and soul

cakes. I'm sorry, soul cakes?

Yeah, you know.

Oh, soul.

Soul cake, a soul cake of mercy on us all for a soul cake.

You've never heard the... Okay, I will text you the address.

Hey, so I couldn't help but notice that we're the only house on the block

without any decorations, which feels kind of off-brand for a coven. Yeah, we

don't really celebrate Halloween.

The whole thing is just offensive.

A bunch of idiots in plastic fangs stumbling over their capes. Well, excuse

me, my culture is not your costume.

The bigger issue is that werewolves are emboldened on Halloween because they can

assume their true form and blend in. Yeah, it's a very dangerous night for

vampires. You can get your arm bitten off. And a lot of those sexy nurses

walking around?

No medical training at all. That's why we do what, boys?

Stay inside. We must remember or else our bodies are dismembered. My guys.

So, has everyone heard the big news?

Our little Mort's got a hot Halloween date tonight.

What? They're going to watch scary movies in the basement.

Okay.

Her name's Mackenzie. She's so cool.

She's a sophomore.

She drives.

Wow, Mort, she's so cute.

Wait, is that the background photo of your phone?

Seems like you're coming out a little strong.

Yeah, buddy, you should probably change that. It's a little creepy, and that's

coming from an undead monster.

What? It's a figure of speech.

Is it? Yeah.

So, uh, how'd you ask her out, Ward?

It was crazy. She asked me out. She walked over from the cool kids table at

lunch. Wow.

Oh, it's her. I should get this.

Hey, Mackenzie.

You got this, buddy.

So, do you know this Mackenzie girl, Henry?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Everyone does. She's super popular. And she asked Ward out?

Yeah, she did.

I hate to be the one to say this, but are we sure it's a real date and not

some mean bet like a she's all that situation?

Or she's using Mort to get to Henry.

What a month. First I get the bubonic plague and now a mean girl is using my

son as bait to land my other son?

Can I suggest another possibility?

Maybe this girl just sees the amazing person that is Mort.

Oh, he's paying her? Like a can't buy me love scenario?

Definitely. Definitely.

You're so right. It's gotta be that.

Okay, I put a bunch of these out in the yard.

Spooky, right? It's like a corpse hand clawing its way out of the ground.

That's not what they look like. Their flesh would be far more desiccated. Oh,

but I suppose the good people at Party City know better.

I think it's fun, Max.

Thank you, Liz.

Also, I put out a bowl of candy for people to help themselves, so we won't

even have to deal with trick-or-treaters, Charles, okay? I

suppose that's fine. Are you wearing cat ears, Liz?

What is going on? Why are we so suddenly in the Halloween spirit?

I thought we were in agreement that we were the creepy lights-out house.

Actually, Charles, we are hosting Dr. Geltzer and his wife for a festive drink

tonight. Oh, you're department head? What? Why?

Because I'm up for a promotion.

They're considering me for a full-time professorship.

Oh my god, that's amazing, Liz!

High five!

Okay.

Yes! This is wonderful, but... When were you planning on telling me about us

having guests that I need to entertain?

When it was too late for you to weasel your way out of it.

Please.

This is a really big opportunity for me, so just be nice.

Okay. Thank you.

And who knows?

You might really like them.

Good evening.

I want to drink your wine.

Hey, what's going on? Talk to us, Henry.

Mort's date is still a no-show.

Damn it. Poor guy's gonna be crushed.

Guys, this is insane. Someone stole all the candy I left out.

They even took the bowl.

I'm sorry. We've got bigger problems than someone taking your Tupperware,

Max. It wasn't Tupperware. It was this really cool old goblet that I found in

the basement.

It's glass and the handle was this silvery wolf's paw thing.

Was the rim adorned with 16 rubies? I mean, there were some red stones on it.

They were... Sort of ribby-like. Oh, my God. You put out the Wolf's Bane Chalice

as a Halloween decoration?

I what? How could you be so foolish, Max?

Well, I'm still learning about all this stuff. What? What is the Wolf's Head

Chalice? The Wolf's Bane Chalice, Max, is an ancient relic that protects our

domicile from a werewolf incursion. It being lost or stolen leaves us

vulnerable to a werewolf attack, which we don't have to explain to you, or

maybe we do. There is a heightened risk of on Halloween.

Okay. Uh, what does this mean? What it means is that we need to find the

chalice. before a werewolf discovers that it's missing. Because if they do,

we are in extreme danger.

Hey guys, look who just showed up. It's Mackenzie.

Hey everyone.

She's a werewolf.

You

can

move a little closer if you want.

I won't bite.

What I want to know is how that little bitch even sussed out that Mort's a

vampire. Whoa, whoa, little bitch?

She's technically a dog, Max. It's their preferred vernacular.

Guys, this is nuts.

She's just a girl wearing an admittedly very convincing Halloween costume.

But if she's a werewolf, why hasn't she done anything yet? Werewolves rarely

attack solo. She's probably a scout for the pack sent to probe our defenses.

I mean, I love my boy, but this is not adding up.

Henry told me that Mackenzie dated the quarterback last year.

Let's just kick her out.

Better safe than sorry. Before we ruin Mort's date, is there any way to find

out for sure if this girl is a werewolf or not? I mean, yes, there's the

Lupinian trials.

Yes, yes. There are a series of ancient tests we could run to prove if someone

is or is not a werewolf. Then isn't it at least worth trying to find out for

Mort?

Fine, let's run the tests and see how this bitch does.

I feel like now maybe you're overusing it.

Okay. So, tell us a little bit about you guys. How long have you been married?

Well, let's see. We got married one, two, three years ago.

You know, because vampires love counting. Well, some do count, but it's

not out of love. It's a compulsion, a dark affliction.

Would you guys like a snack?

I could go bring out a cheese board.

As long as it's nothing with garlic.

Okay, that garlic thing is just a ridiculous stereotype.

Vampires? They're not real.

Charles, you know how important this is to me. Just smile and nod.

These two, they're no better than a couple of Prussians.

Please, this will all be over in one hour.

What's going on? I don't know.

Is the cheese board not happening?

Sorry to, uh, interrupt.

Um, no, it's okay.

What's up? Oh, it's just you guys have been sitting for a while. I thought you

might want to, uh... Go for a walk?

Um, no, we're good.

That's one of the tasks? What are you writing down?

Subject's ears slightly perked up.

Seriously? Okay, not a problem.

Heads up!

Ooh.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Going in. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I really appreciate you guys coming down

here, but we're just trying to watch the movie.

Totally. We'll get out of your hair. Yeah, speaking of hair, Mackenzie, that

is such a great costume.

Do you mind if I just... Ow! What the hell? Can you guys get out of here?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Go.

Did you hear that yelp? Oh, I heard it. Very lupine.

We need to do something.

Agreed. The coven is in danger. We must act. Okay, guys, again, if you're wrong,

Mort is never going to forgive you.

Is there anything else we can do besides kicking Mort's date out of the house?

We could put the cone on her. That still won't stop her from alerting the pack.

Yeah, you're right. That's the only problem with that idea.

Or we could tell my dad.

What? He's the head of our coven.

You could seek his counsel.

Alert him to the fact that you put out the Wolfsbane Chalice as a vessel to

distribute fun-sized Butterfingers.

Yeah, okay.

Let's kick her out.

So, Charles, you might be interested to know that Glenn is actually working on a

book about the Seven Years' War.

And that his thesis is that the Prussians were to blame.

Oh, you're a...

disdainer of the Prussian people?

Well, it may have been fair to say that in the past, but my research has taken a

bit of a turn of late. Oh, God.

See, having delved deeper into the topic, it is now my contention that the

Prussian Empire has been unfairly maligned.

Oh, really?

How so?

Well, take Frederick the Great, for instance, one of history's unsung

heroes. Fred?

Little Fred?

We don't need to keep talking about hot-button topics like Frederick the

Great. The Great!

It was sarcastic.

The air quotes didn't show up in the history books.

I'm sorry, where are you getting your information?

Everyone knows the Prussians were absolutely responsible for the Seven

Years' War. Not only that, they reeked deeply of cabbage.

Okay, I don't know what strange Reddit holes you've been down, but I think I

know what I'm talking about.

Oh, you do, do you? Well, you weren't even there.

What? What he means is you weren't there, we weren't there, nobody was

there. Right?

More manchego?

Maybe we should go. Yeah, I think that might be best. If you'll excuse us, we

would like to be formally invited to leave.

That's not a thing!

I can't believe you guys.

Why did you just kick Mackenzie out of our house?

And, Emma, why did you spray her with a water bottle? Listen, buddy, it seems

likely Mackenzie was an actual werewolf. Now, I know what you're thinking. How

did she get in here while we're under the protection of the Wolfsbane Chalice?

Oh, hey, guys.

Just grabbing some more brandy for my sangria.

Babe, where did you get that cup?

Oh, this thing? I found it outside.

It had candy in it. But I thought it'd be perfect for my costume.

And you were here in the house this whole time?

Yep. Just drinking alone in my bedroom.

Well, not alone.

I was playing Halloween Zoo Mahjong with the Panera crew.

Woo-hoo!

Anyway, back to it.

That was the Wall of Spain chalice, right? So if Phyllis had the chalice and

she was here all night... It means the domicile was under its protection.

Therefore, Mort's date could not have been a werewolf.

Well, that's good news, buddy.

She seems great.

So let me get this straight. You guys thought it was more likely that

Mackenzie was an actual werewolf than just a girl who liked me?

It's just that the costume was really realistic.

Her dad's a costume designer.

He worked for Lucasfilm. Oh my god, that's actually really cool. It is.

She's really cool. And she liked me. You guys ruined it.

I'm so sorry, son.

Well, that's not going to get her back, is it?

What?

I mean, I did say I didn't think she was a werewolf.

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, that's sort of fun.

Washing dishes.

We don't get to do that very often. Charles, I don't really want to be

around you right now.

Oh, Liz.

One hour.

That's all I asked of you. You couldn't just suck it up, play nice.

I mean, I tried, but that man was insufferable. You are insufferable.

All you ever care about is yourself.

Okay. How about just sacrificing for me, for once?

Oh, come on. So what if you get a promotion?

I'm sorry, but we'll just have to move in a few years like we always do and...

Then you'll get another job and we'll move again and eventually we'll see the

sun explode.

And I don't know what will happen after that. We'll just be floating about in a

big void, I suppose.

Which is honestly sort of terrifying.

So that's why you acted like that?

Because none of this matters? Because my promotion doesn't matter? I'm just

saying, in a big void scenario... Well, it matters to me, Charles.

That should be enough.

What?

Liz.

Liz!

Remember,

any of these trick-or-treaters could be werewolves in disguise. We have to stay

vigilant.

Not that Mort's love life isn't very important to me, but maybe we just do

this tomorrow or really any other night that we're not at a heightened risk for

dismemberment. No.

We have to speak with Mackenzie tonight.

First thing tomorrow, she's going to go to school and tell all her friends what

happened. And they're going to tell their friends. Next thing you know,

Mort's going to be a pariah, like we thought he was initially.

Why didn't we just bring the chalice?

Unfortunately, it's strictly for domiciles. You can't roam with it.

Bro thinks it's a wolf's bane to go mug.

Just hear us out.

Mom! Look, all we wanted to say was...

Gotcha.

What? The keys, the tennis ball.

We were just messing with you, you know, because of the costume. It's a classic

Halloween trick. Most people do treats, but we're just kind of random like that.

Wait, wait, wait. Mackenzie, please, don't hold this against Mort.

He had nothing to do with it, and we know it went too far.

Yeah, I never should have threatened you with a spray bottle or called you a

bitch. You called me a bitch?

No. Can you guys please leave? Yeah, sorry. We're going.

Actually, uh, can we just come in until like dawn? Oh my god, get out of here

Are

you guys okay?

What happened?

I'm not sure there's a bat Chasing us for blocks. We couldn't get rid of it.

It's almost like it funneled us right to your door a bat How strange and that

Susan? whacked it with her purse, and then it ricocheted off a lamp post and

landed in a bush. But then it just kept coming.

Hey, you guys are back. What a pleasant surprise.

Perhaps we could give this evening another try.

You know, it is kind of late, and I'm sure the bat is probably gone by now.

Yeah, we should go. But before you do, I really need to apologize.

Glenn, I read some of your academic publishings online.

They were erudite and well-reasoned, and they convinced me that the Prussians

were indeed a wonderful people.

Wow. Thank you. I mean, it's so big of you to say that.

Yeah. For instance, they invented having to fill out forms for everything, which

was cool.

And Frederick the Great?

Oh, he was awesome.

And his subject smelled so normal.

Well, I, for one, admire a person who can admit when they're wrong.

And so, thee will stay.

Wonderful.

Nice. Close. It's a little deeper in the throat.

Is it? Right. And the laugh. The laugh's really what sells it, so.

Yeah.

It's so stupid. Look, here's the good news.

I mean, we move cities every four or five years, so the humiliation, it

really has an end date.

Cool. That's helpful.

Hey, buddy.

Can we come in?

Why? You guys already apologized for chasing Mackenzie out of here. Yeah,

unfortunately, we have a new Mackenzie-related offense to apologize

for. We went over to her house to explain our actions.

We had this honestly kind of clever explanation about how we were doing a

trick instead of a treat.

But it didn't work and possibly inflamed the situation even more. Wait, you guys

went to Mackenzie's house?

Yeah, we know we blew it.

You guys went out on Halloween, the most dangerous night for vampires to venture

out, and risked possible dismemberment.

For me?

Yeah, we felt terrible for ruining your date.

We never should have doubted you, Sean.

And I know this feels bad right now, but someone else is going to come along

because you are an incredible guy.

Thanks, Dad.

All right, buddy.

Oh, hey, it's Mackenzie.

She wants to hang out again.

Dude, hell yeah!

That's great, Mark. Wait, so our apology actually worked? No, but she says her

family's really weird too, so...

She gets it. Yeah, I mean, I guess we did act pretty weird doing all those

werewolf tests on her.

Yeah, we were.

No, she doesn't really care about that.

These are more observations about you guys.

Like what?

Okay, again, these aren't meant for you to hear, but... We can take it.

She's kind of ragging on your car, Dad.

The Challenger? It's badass.

She says it's douchey.

It's giving desperate aging frat boy trying to stay young.

I am young. I am forever young.

That's brutal.

And Emma, she says your whole avoidant, detached, cool girl facade combined with

Max's needy puppy dog energy is a recipe for disaster.

She gives you three months tops.

Yeah, it's kind of a twofer.

Sufficient. Also, Emma, she thinks you walk weird.

Anyway, I'm going to grab a snack.

Thanks for doing this for me, guys. It means a lot.

Damn, she is not letting up on your weird walk.

That girl is mean.

I feel emotionally dismembered.

Who does that Mackenzie girl think she is questioning our relationship?

We're definitely going to last longer than three months.

She doesn't get it. We're going to be dating so long, we're going to show

better deathbed holding hands.

And then she'll be like, I was so wrong about Max and Emma. Also, why haven't

they itched?

She walks weird.

Oh, so clumpy, right?

I believe these are yours. Oh, Charles.

Last night was incredible.

So now it's birthdays and holidays?

Holiday. I'll take it.

Oh, my head is pounding.

Those Halloween zoo Mahjong Panera gals can really get after it. That's

wonderful, Phyllis. Oh, shoot.

The sangria cup was not dishwasher safe.

Dear God!

Oh, don't worry.

I can get one just as good at Party City.

and it'll be on sale now after the holiday win win win oh okay