Original subtitles

I'm simply saying that two hours

is an exceptionally long time to spend on one's hair.

I mean, we so rarely get to attend a formal vampire event,

and now we're very late.

It wasn't just my hair, Charles. I had to bathe.

By my count, that's the third one this month.

How clean do you need to be?

Uh, Charles?

CHARLES: My God.

What happened here?

It was werewolves.

You just missed them.

Oh. So, what do you think of my hair now, Charles?

- Lovely. Worth the wait. - Okay.

To protect yourselves from future attacks,

you must find... [wheezes]

...the Wolfsbane Chalice.

- [exhales] - LIZ: Um,

he's dead.

Anyone else in here clinging to life,

know where or what the Wolfsbane Chalice is?

Guess not.

♪ ♪

LIZ: Okay, we are gonna leave it there for today.

Please read chapter nine

for next time, and no, I won't go

to the AEPi formal with you, Elliot.

Thank you.

Dr. Geltzer,

to what do I owe this, uh, pleasure?

Well, I just wanted to let you know

that the department has met and, uh, well,

you are being considered for full professorship.

Seriously?

- That's amazing. - Well, we all agree, it's just

a joy to watch you teach.

I mean, the way you speak about Napoleonic France--

it's like you were there, you know? [laughs]

Well, I wasn't. [laughs loudly]

Yeah.

So, do you have any big Halloween plans for tomorrow?

Oh, yeah. You know, the kids, they asked us to drop them off

at Cascadia Ridge, which is, like,

this noted Halloween street.

This is so funny.

We live on Cascadia Ridge.

- Seriously? - You and your wife should stop by

for a little drink while the kids are out trick-or-treating.

It'll be so fun. We can hand out

- candy and soul cakes. - I'm sorry.

Soul cakes?

Yeah, you know.

♪ A soul cake, a soul cake, have mercy ♪

♪ On all souls for a soul cake.♪

You've never heard the...?

Okay, I will text you the address.

MAX: Hey, so I couldn't help

but notice that we're the only house on the block

without any decorations,

which feels kind of off-brand for a coven.

Yeah, we don't really celebrate Halloween.

CHARLES: The whole thing is just offensive.

Bunch of idiots in plastic fangs,

stumbling over their capes.

Well, excuse me, my culture is not your costume.

EMMA: The bigger issue

is that werewolves are emboldened on Halloween.

'Cause they can assume their true form and blend in.

Yeah. It's a dangerous night for vampires.

I mean, you could get your arm bitten off.

And a lot of those sexy nurses

walking around-- no medical training at all.

That's why we do what, boys?

Stay inside, we must remember, else our bodies are dismembered.

- My guys. - So, has everyone heard the big news?

Our little Mort's got a hot Halloween date tonight.

- Ooh. - [Emma gasps]

They're gonna watch scary movies in the basement.

- Ooh. - Okay. - Her name's Mackenzie.

She's so cool. She's a sophomore,

- she drives. - Wow. Mort, she's so cute.

Wait. Is that the background photo of your phone?

Seems like you're coming on a little strong.

JESSE: Yeah, buddy, you should probably change that.

It's a little creepy, and that's coming from an undead monster.

- What? - It's a figure of speech.

- Is it? - Yeah. - MAX: So, uh,

- how'd you ask her out, Mort? - MORT: It was crazy.

- She asked me out. - Oh.

She walked over

from the cool-kids table at lunch.

- Wow. - [phone plays tune]

Oh, it's her. I should get this.

[clears throat]

Hey, Mackenzie.

You got this, buddy.

So, do you know this Mackenzie girl, Henry?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Everyone does. She's super popular.

And she asked Mort out.

- Yeah. She did. - Huh.

EMMA: I hate to be the one to say this,

but are we sure it's a real date?

And not some mean bet, like a... like a She's All That situation?

Or she's using Mort to get to Henry.

PHYLLIS: What a month. First I get

the bubonic plague, and now, a mean girl is using my son

as bait to land my other son.

Can I suggest another possibility?

Maybe this girl just sees the amazing person that is Mort.

Or he's paying her, like a Can't Buy Me Love scenario?

- Mm-hmm, yeah. - Definitely, definitely.

- Yeah. - You're so right. It's gotta be that.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, I put a bunch of these out in the yard.

Spooky, right? It's like a corpse hand,

clawing its way out of the ground.

That's not what they look like.

Their flesh would be far more desiccated.

Oh, but I suppose the good people

at Party City know better.

- I think it's fun, Max. - Thank you, Liz.

Uh, also, I put out a bowl of candy

for people to help themselves, so we won't even have to deal

- with trick-or-treaters, Charles. Okay? - Yeah, I suppose

that's fine. Are you wearing cat ears, Liz?

What is going on? Why are we so suddenly

in the Halloween spirit?

I thought we were in agreement

that we were the creepy lights-out house.

Actually, Charles, we're hosting Dr. Geltzer and his wife

- for a festive drink tonight. - Oh.

Your department head? What? Why?

Because I'm up for a promotion.

They're considering me for a full-time professorship.

MAX: Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Liz. High five.

Okay.

- Yes. - CHARLES: This is wonderful, but

when were you planning on telling me

about us having guests that I need to entertain?

[doorbell ringing]

When it was too late for you to weasel your way out of it.

- Okay. - Please.

This is a really big opportunity for me.

So, just be nice?

Okay.

Thank you.

And who knows?

You might really like them.

[with accent]: Good evening.

- [with accent]: I vant to drink your vine. - [laughing]

[Glen and Susan laughing]

Hey, what's going on? Talk to us, Henry.

Mort's date is still a no-show.

Damn it. Poor guy's going to be crushed.

Guys, this is insane. Someone stole all the candy I left out.

- They even took the bowl. - JESSE: I'm sorry. We've got

bigger problems than someone taking your Tupperware, Max.

It wasn't Tupperware. It was this really cool old goblet

that I found in the basement.

It's glass, and the handle was this,

like, silvery wolf's paw thing.

Was the rim adorned with 16 rubies?

Uh, I mean, there were some red stones on it.

They were sort of ruby-like.

- EMMA: Oh, my God. - JESSE: You put out

the Wolfsbane Chalice as a Halloween decoration?!

- I-I what? - How could you be so foolish, Max?

Well, I'm still learning about all this stuff.

What? What-what is the Wolfshead Chalice?

The Wolfsbane Chalice, Max, is an ancient relic

that protects our domicile from a werewolf incursion.

JESSE: It being lost or stolen leaves us

vulnerable to a werewolf attack,

which, we don't have to explain to you--

or maybe we do-- there is a heightened risk of on Halloween.

Okay. Uh, what does this mean?

What it means is that we need to find the chalice

before a werewolf discovers that it's missing.

EMMA: Because if they do, we are

in extreme danger.

MORT: Hey, guys.

Look who just showed up. It's Mackenzie.

Hey, everyone.

- She's a werewolf. - Rrr.

[Jesse whimpers]

[eerie music playing on TV]

You can move a little closer if you want.

I won't bite.

♪ ♪

What I want to know is how

that little bitch even sussed out that Mort's a vampire.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Little bitch"?

She's technically a dog, Max.

It's their preferred vernacular.

Guys, this is nuts. She's just a girl

wearing an admittedly very convincing Halloween costume.

But if she's a werewolf,

why hasn't she done anything yet?

Werewolves rarely attack solo.

She's probably a scout for the pack,

sent to probe our defenses.

I mean, I love my boy, but this is not adding up.

Henry told me that Mackenzie dated the quarterback last year.

- [sighs] - EMMA: Let's just kick her out.

Better safe than sorry.

Before we ruin Mort's date, is there any way

to find out for sure if this girl is a werewolf or not?

I mean, yes, there's the Lupinian Trials.

JESSE: Yes. Yes.

They're a series of ancient tests we could run

to prove if someone is or is not a werewolf.

Then isn't it at least worth trying to find out? For Mort?

Fine. Let's run the tests,

and see how this bitch does.

I feel like now maybe you're overusing it.

Okay.

So, tell us a little bit about you guys.

How long have you been married?

GLEN: Well, let's see.

[with accent]: We got married a-one, a-two,

a-three years ago.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

You know,

because vampires love counting.

Well, some do count, but, uh, it's not out of love.

It's a compulsion, a dark affliction.

Would you guys like a snack?

I could go bring out a cheese board?

Oh. As long as it's nothing with garlic.

Okay, that garlic thing is just a ridiculous stereotype.

Of vampires? They're not real.

LIZ: Charles, you know how important this is to me.

Just smile and nod.

CHARLES: These two. They're no better

than a couple of Prussians.

LIZ: Please. This will all be over in one hour.

What's going on?

Uh... I don't know.

Is the cheese board not happening?

Sorry to, uh, interrupt.

- Um, no, that's okay. What's up? - Oh.

It's just, you guys have been sitting for a while.

Thought you might want to, uh...

[whistling]

...go for a walk?

Um... no. We're-we're good.

That-That's one of the tests? What are you writing down?

"Subject's ears slightly perked up."

- Seriously? - JESSE: Okay. Not a problem.

- Heads up! Ooh. - EMMA: Ooh.

- Interesting. - Yeah.

- Going in. - JESSE: Okay. Yeah, yeah. - MORT: Hey,

I really appreciate you guys coming down here,

- but we're just trying to watch the movie. - JESSE: Totally.

- We'll get out of your hair. - Yeah, speaking of hair,

Mackenzie, that is such a great costume.

- Do you mind if I just...? - Ow! What the hell?!

Can you guys get out of here?

Yeah, sorry. Go. Go, go, go, go, go.

Did you hear that yelp?

Oh, I heard it. Very lupine.

We need to do something.

Agreed. The coven is in danger. We must act.

Okay, guys, again, if you're wrong,

Mort is never going to forgive you.

Is-is there anything else we can do

besides kicking Mort's date out of the house?

We could put the cone on her.

That still won't stop her from alerting the pack.

Yeah, you're right. That's the only problem with that idea.

- Or we could tell my dad. - What?

He's the head of our coven. We could seek his counsel.

Alert him to the fact that you put out

the Wolfsbane Chalice as a vessel to distribute

Fun Sized Butterfingers.

[sighs]

Yeah, okay.

Let's kick her out.

So, Charles, you might be interested to know

that Glen is actually working on a book

- about the Seven Years' War. - Mm.

And that his thesis is

that the Prussians were to blame.

Oh. You're a... disdainer of the Prussian people?

Well, it may have been fair to say that in the past,

but my research has taken a bit of a turn of late.

- Oh, God. - See, having delved

deeper into the topic, it is now my contention

that the Prussian empire has been unfairly maligned.

Oh, really? How so?

Well, take Frederick the Great, for instance.

One of history's unsung heroes.

Fred? Little Fred?

LIZ: We don't need to keep talking

about hot-button topics

like Frederick the Great.

"The Great." It was sarcastic.

The air quotes didn't show up in the history books.

I'm sorry. Where are you getting your information?

Everyone knows the Prussians were absolutely responsible

for the Seven Years' War.

Not only that, they reeked deeply of cabbage.

GLEN: Okay, I don't know what strange

Reddit holes you've been down,

but I think I know what I'm talking about.

Oh, you do, do you? Well, you weren't even there.

- What? - What he means is, you weren't there,

we weren't there, nobody was there.

Right? More Manchego?

- Maybe we should go. - I think that might be best.

If you'll excuse us, vee vould like

to be formally invited to leave.

- That's not a thing! - [sighs]

MORT: I can't believe you guys!

Why did you just kick Mackenzie out of our house?

And Emma, why did you spray her with a water bottle?

Listen, buddy, it seems likely

Mackenzie was an actual werewolf.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

How did she get in here while we're under the protection

- of the Wolfsbane Chalice? - PHYLLIS: Oh, hey, guys.

Just grabbing some more brandy for my sangria.

Babe, where did you get that cup?

Oh, this thing?

I found it outside. It had candy in it,

but I thought it would be perfect for my costume.

And you were here in the house this whole time?

Yep, just drinking alone in my bedroom.

Well, not alone.

I was playing Halloween Zoom mah-jongg

with the Panera crew. [clicks tongue]

Woo-hoo! Anyway, back to it.

That was the Wolfsbane Chalice, right?

So, if Phyllis had the chalice,

and she was here all night...

It means the domicile was under its protection.

Therefore, Mort's date could not have been a werewolf.

Well, that's good news, buddy.

She seems great.

So let me get this straight. You guys thought

it was more likely that Mackenzie was an actual werewolf

than just a girl who liked me?

It's just, like, the costume was really realistic.

Her dad's a costume designer.

He worked for Lucasfilm.

Oh, my God. That's actually really cool.

MORT: It is! She's really cool!

And she liked me, and you guys ruined it.

I'm so sorry, son.

Well, that's not going to get her back, is it?

Mort?

I mean, I did say I didn't think she was a werewolf.

Yeah. Sorry.

Oh, that's sort of fun, washing dishes.

Ah, we don't get to do that very often.

Charles, I don't really want to be around you right now.

Oh, Liz.

One hour. That's all I asked of you.

You couldn't just suck it up, play nice.

I mean, I tried, but that man was insufferable.

- You are insufferable. - [sighs]

- All you ever care about is yourself. - Okay.

How about just sacrificing for me for once?

Oh, come on. So what if you get a promotion?

- [scoffs] - I'm sorry, but we'll just have to move

in a few years, like we always do.

And then you'll get another job, and we'll move again.

And eventually, we'll see the sun explode.

And I don't know what will happen after that.

We'll just be floating about in a big void, I suppose,

which is...

It's honestly sort of terrifying.

So that's why you acted like that?

Because none of this matters?

Because my promotion doesn't matter?

I'm just saying, in a big-void scenario...

Well, it matters to me, Charles.

That should be enough.

Wait.

I...

Liz? Liz?

Remember, any of these trick-or-treaters

could be werewolves in disguise.

We have to stay vigilant.

You know, not that Mort's love life isn't very important to me,

but maybe we should just do this tomorrow, or really,

any other night that we're not at a heightened risk

for dismemberment?

No. We have to speak with Mackenzie tonight.

First thing tomorrow, she's going to go to school

and tell all her friends what happened.

And they're going to tell their friends.

Next thing you know, Mort's gonna be a pariah,

like we thought he was initially.

[animal howling]

Why didn't we just bring the chalice?

Unfortunately, it's strictly for domiciles.

- You can't roam with it. - [laughs]

Bro thinks it's a Wolfsbane to-go mug.

- Just hear us out. - Mom!

Look, all we wanted to say was...

Gotcha.

- What? - JESSE: The keys,

the tennis ball.

We were just messing with you.

You know, 'cause of the costume.

MAX: It's a classic Halloween trick.

Most people do treats, but we're just kind of random like that.

- No, no! - JESSE: Mackenzie,

please don't hold this against Mort.

He had nothing to do with it.

- And we know it went too far. - EMMA: Yeah, I never should have

threatened you with a spray bottle, or called you a bitch.

- You called me a bitch? - No.

- Can you guys please leave? - MAX: Yeah. Sorry.

We're going.

[animals howling]

Actually, uh, can we... can we just come in,

uh, until, like, dawn?

Oh, my God. Get out of here.

- GLEN: Oh! Let us in, please! - [knocking]

- GLEN: Oh. - LIZ: Hi.

- GLEN: Oh. - [Susan whimpers]

LIZ: Oh, my goodness.

Are you guys okay?

- What happened? - [coughs] I-I'm not sure.

There was a... a bat chasing us for blocks.

We couldn't get rid of it.

It's almost like it funneled us right to your door.

- A bat? How strange. - And then Susan whacked it with her purse.

And then, it ricocheted off a lamppost and landed in a bush.

But then it just kept coming.

Hey.

You guys are back. What a... what a pleasant surprise.

Um, perhaps we could give this evening another try.

- LIZ: Mm-hmm. - Uh...

you know, it is kind of late,

and I'm sure the bat is, uh, probably gone by now.

Yeah, we-we should go.

Uh, but before you do, I really need to apologize.

Um, Glen I read some of your academic publishings online.

They were erudite and well-reasoned.

And they convinced me that the Prussians were indeed

a wonderful people.

GLEN: Wow. Thank you. I mean,

- it's so big of you to say that. - CHARLES: Yeah, for instance,

they invented having to fill out forms for everything,

which was... cool.

LIZ: And, uh, Frederick the Great?

Oh, he was... awesome.

And his subjects smelled...

so normal.

Well, I, for one, admire a person

who can admit when they're wrong.

And so...

- [with accent]: vee vill stay. - [laughs]

- Oh. - Vunderful.

[laughing]: Oh, nice.

Close. It's a little deeper in the throat.

- Is it? - GLEN: Right, and the laugh.

The laugh's really what sells it, so...

Ah.

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

GLEN: Hey!

- There it is. [laughs] - Ah! [laughs]

SUSAN: Bravo.

Look, here's the good news.

I mean, we move cities every four or five years,

so the humiliation--

it really has an end date.

Cool. That's helpful.

[knocking]

Hey, buddy. Can we come in?

Why? You guys already apologized

- for chasing Mackenzie out of here. - EMMA: Yeah.

Unfortunately, we have a new

Mackenzie-related offense to apologize for.

Uh, we went over to her house to explain our actions.

We had this, honestly, like, kind of clever explanation

about how we were doing a trick instead of a treat.

Mm-hmm. But it didn't work,

and possibly inflamed the situation even more.

Wait. You guys went to Mackenzie's house?

Yeah. We know, we blew it.

You guys went out on Halloween?

The most dangerous night for vampires to venture out

and risked possible dismemberment...

for me?

Yeah, we felt terrible for ruining your date.

We never should have doubted you, son.

And I know this feels bad right now.

But someone else is going to come along,

because you are an incredible guy.

- Thanks, Dad. - All right, buddy.

[phone chimes]

Oh, hey, it's Mackenzie.

- She wants to hang out again. - Dude,

- hell yeah. - That's great, Mort. - MAX: Wait.

- So our apology actually worked? - MORT: No.

But she says her family is really weird, too,

so she gets it.

Yeah, I mean I guess we did act pretty weird,

doing all those werewolf tests on her.

[laughing]: Yeah, we were.

No, she doesn't really care about that.

These are more observations about you guys.

- Like what? - Okay. Again,

these aren't meant for you to hear, but...

Yeah, we can take it.

She's kind of ragging on your car, Dad.

The Challenger? It's badass.

Uh, she says it's douchey.

"It's giving desperate, aging frat boy trying to stay young."

I am young.

I am forever young.

Ooh, that's brutal. [laughs]

MORT: And Emma,

she says your whole "avoidant, detached, cool girl facade,

"combined with Max's needy puppy-dog energy,

is a recipe for disaster."

She gives you three months, tops.

- Ooh. - MORT: Yeah.

- It's kind of a twofer. - It's efficient.

Also, Emma, she thinks you walk weird.

Anyway, I'm going to go grab a snack.

Thanks for doing this for me, guys. It means a lot.

- [phone chimes] - [Mort laughs]

Damn. She is not letting up on your weird walk.

That girl is mean.

I feel emotionally dismembered.

Who does that Mackenzie girl think she is,

- questioning our relationship? - Yeah.

We're definitely gonna last longer than three months.

She doesn't get it.

We're going to be dating so long,

we're going to show up at her deathbed holding hands.

Oh. And then she'll be like, "I was so wrong about Max and Emma.

Also, why haven't they aged?"

[both laugh softly]

She walks weird.

Oh, so clompy, right?

- Oh. [gasps] - I believe these are yours.

Oh, Charles.

- Last night was incredible. - Mm.

So now it's birthdays and holidays?

- Holiday. - I'll take it.

Aah.

My head is pounding.

Those Halloween Zoom mah-jongg Panera gals

can really get after it.

- That's wonderful, Phyllis. - [Liz clears throat]

PHYLLIS: Oh, shoot. The sangria cup

was not dishwasher-safe.

[Liz gasps]

- Dear God. - Is that the...?

- CHARLES: Oh. - PHYLLIS: Oh, don't worry.

I can get one just as good at Party City.

And it'll be on sale now after the holiday.

Win, win, win.

- CHARLES: Oh! Okay. - Oh.

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