Original subtitles

(bright music)

- [TONY] I didn't realize how big he is.

- You like this?

Yeah, this is the one

- Yeah, Mom, 'cause you don't wear silver and gold together.

- Oh please.

Come on, Jackie.

(bright music continues)

(Dr. Phil knocks on door)

- He looks like he's pissed off.

- [SHARON] Let's go!

We're keeping everyone waiting!

- [KELLY] Uh, you're the one that had to do

the wardrobe change, not me.

- [SHARON] You were the one, 'cause you said I looked like-

- [OZZY] Stop, stop arguing.

(Dr. Phil knocking)

- He's a fucking big bloke.

Hi, Dr. Phil.

- [Dr. Phil] How you doing?

- Welcome.

Come in.

(playful upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people livin' as fools ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(bright playful music)

- [DR. PHIL] Well, are we ready to talk?

- Yeah. - I think so.

- Everybody calls you guys

the most dysfunctional family in America.

The favorite dysfunctional family in America.

Do you think that's true?

- I have a problem with that.

Who should we guide ourselves?

Who is the most functional family?

I think a functional family is a family

that survives a day, you know.

(playful music continues)

Where do you want me to put my gun, Sharon?

Under the bed?

(car thuds)

- [JACK] Oh my God.

- Jack!

- Ah, geez.

- [KELLY] Why don't you shut the fuck up?

- Oh!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

Stop.

- My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business.

- Turn the (bleep) thing off.

It's driving me mad, man.

Stop screaming! (Sharon screaming)

Don't go out with a (bleep) t-shirt,

with cocaine on your (bleep) t-shirt

and a (bleep).

Give me the (bleep) knife.

- Does this family thrive on crisis?

- No. - No.

- Do you need drama to be okay?

'Cause you've had 27 houses in 24 years.

That's not normal.

I mean, that's not the normal pattern.

- I am so glad you're here, though.

I'm so...

When we bought this house,

the first words outta my mouth to Sharon was,

"Darling, please, let's let the paint dry this time."

- I think that that's really stupid to say it's not normal

because there is no such thing as normal.

It's a ridiculous standard that society has set,

that is not normal.

If we had a white picket fence and a golden retriever,

would we be normal?

No.

That's not normal. - We have a golden retriever.

- I totally disagree with what Kelly just said on one level

and completely agree with it on another level.

There is a normal in terms of how long people

stay in one place statistically.

And it's not 27 houses in 24 years.

I don't care what you say.

What works for a family is you find your own level,

you find what works for you.

But is it good for children to have some stability

and predictability and be in the same schools

and have the same friends?

That can be a very healthy thing.

You see, teenagers' brains aren't through growing yet.

And the last part of the brain that grows is the neocortex,

which is the reasoning,

the ability to predict the consequences of your actions,

to problem solve.

- Now why do you still hold this grudge

from six years ago? - Because you shot me.

- And you still get angry when we talk about it, Kelly.

- Because you (bleep) shot me.

- Yeah, what's your point?

That's being sexualist, Kelly.

- No it's not, it's just saying I don't want...

Jack, it's not sexualist.

- That's sexualist.

- Jack, you just made up a word.

I hope someone beats you up one day.

- You know what Kelly, I hope your album fails.

- Oh, shut up Jack.

- She just hoped I got beaten up, all right?

Did you guys...

- I didn't get married, Jack.

I'm 18 years old.

- But did he engaged you, didn't he?

- Engaged you?

- [JACK] McRib is back.

- You're getting excited over the McRib?

- You know what Kelly?

It's the little things that count.

She hit me with her ring and cut my face open.

- Who's birthday is it?

Mine.

Why are we gonna Vegas?

Because of me.

- Don't, Kelly.

That's my spritz.

- Ow.

You're so superficial.

It's disgusting.

- Is it superficial a good thing?

Superficial is a good thing, right?

- No.

- (bleep) you!

(bleep) you.

(bleep) off.

(bleep) off.

Bitch, idiot.

(bleep).

Leave my room.

Bye.

- People look at like the language you use with each other.

Fuck off, you know, kiss my ass.

I don't think that's healthy.

I don't think that's good.

I don't think they can respect themselves very well

and do that.

I don't expect Jack or Kelly to agree with that.

But I would think that you guys would.

But I'm curious, how did you decide

where the standard was in terms of what you held these to?

Well you said at one point you were

talking to somebody on the phone

and you tell 'em to come over here.

You said we can get away with a whole lot more here

than we ever could in a club.

And...

- You asshole, Jack.

- I'm don't remember saying that.

- What an asshole.

- I have it on tape if you...

You know, I can play it back for you if you wanna see it.

- My mom does not care, dude.

I'm telling you, we could get away with more here

than we could at any club.

- How does that ever get to be okay?

- It doesn't get to be okay.

And I mean I'm sat here now laughing,

but one side of me is like, oh God, did he really?

Did you really say that?

And like, how did I not see?

I found that I got just so many things going on

and that's not an excuse to say, oh I was too busy,

or this, that the other.

You kind of make excuses why you should accept it.

And basically I should have said to everyone,

"Be in by 10, shut the fuck up and go to bed."

But I didn't.

So I, you know, I was just at fault as everyone else.

- You get married to a partner,

you know, to make decisions,

which incidentally is still an issue in this house

between my wife and I.

My wife and I, we don't decide both together

on what we should do without anything.

She just goes ahead and does it.

Who ordered them?

- [TONY] You did.

For the studio.

- I never ordered them.

- That's the seat.

Sharon went through that with Jonathan.

- Hey, I thought I said before anything when...

This is my studio and I want nothing ordered

without my consent, okay?

- That was ordered about six months ago.

- But by who?

Not by me.

- By Sharon.

- But Sharon's got fuck all to do with this.

- Ozzy, there you go, look.

- Bubbles?

Oh, come on, Sharon.

I'm (bleep) Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of (bleep) darkness.

- You can tell your dad that you got him at the pound,

'cause he's so old.

That's a good story.

- We're not doing two shows.

You'll end up (bleep) me up, Sharon.

Tell me the truth, Sharon.

- Don't get technical, Daddy.

- I'm not (bleep) technical.

I'm on the road and I want a (bleep) itinerary.

Can I have a itinerary?

- Course you can have an itinerary, darling.

- Now.

- I dunno where one is.

I'm not well.

It's a gum, it's a new gum.

- There's nothing there.

- [SHARON] Do you like it?

- (bleep) crap.

It disappeared.

- [SHARON] Mm.

It's just meant to freshen your mouth.

- It's not gum then!

You lied to me!

- [SHARON] Well, I wanted you to try it.

- (bleep) horrible.

See what gets me, which happens to me all the time.

I'll see someone and then I go, "Oh, I like the broach."

And they'll go, "Oh, you bought me that for Christmas."

And I go, "Oh."

And I say to Sharon, "Darling, this is getting ridiculous.

I mean, please tell me you bought the bracelet

or the hat or whatever,"

because I feel like a dickhead.

(upbeat music)

(light melodic music)

- You guys don't know what you don't know.

'Cause you're young and there are certain things,

life experiences that you haven't had yet.

And as you have them then you'll...

You know more now than you did when you were their age,

even though they don't believe that.

And so it's important that they've had certain experiences

and been given certain disciplines, values

and things to internalize along the way.

So when you're not there,

those tapes will play back in their head

and say, you know, stop sign, don't go there,

don't do this, don't do that.

Do you think that you've given them those important values,

those important building blocks to function independently?

And if you haven't, do you think it's too late?

- Can I just say one thing?

- [Dr. Phil] Sure.

- I really think that parents can only ever

teach their children right from wrong.

And then teach them that everything you do,

every action has a reaction,

whether it be good or bad.

And my parents taught us that.

- [SPEAKER] Fire it before it's lit.

(all laughing)

- We have to put our foot down.

This is a picture of his wife's (bleep).

No riding the bikes drunk and no playing with the guns.

(knife clattering)

- (bleep) me, I'm out of here.

Mom.

- [SHARON] What?

- [KELLY] Just leave it.

- No, I'm gonna take a piss in it and put it back.

- Mom, are you nuts?

Mom!

- It's all fun and no...

All games and fun and no work.

You've gotta do a certain amount of work.

(glass smashing)

There goes the window.

(Kelly screaming)

- Put a sock in your mouth, okay?

- Sorry Mom.

(Sharon mumbles unintelligibly)

- Please don't get drunk or get stoned tonight.

Don't drink.

Don't take drugs tonight.

Please. - No, no, I don't do that.

I don't do that.

- [OZZY] If you have sex, wear a condom.

- Look at that, a (bleep) condom.

That's nice for mother to have to pick up.

- Everything that I've done in my life

that I've done that has had a bad consequence,

I knew going into it that it was gonna happen,

but I still decided to do it.

- To me, for something to be rational, it has to be true.

It has to be in your best interest.

It has to prolong and protect your life.

And it has to give you what you really want.

And if you chose things that didn't do that,

like drugs or alcohol, then you miss some of those steps.

- I had a bit of a disagreement with Jack the other day.

I said, "Through all my drug abuse and my alcoholism,"

which I'm clean now.

I said, "You never went without anything.

You never had had to go and beg, borrow, or steal.

You always had a good house.

You always had cars."

And he pointed out to me

and it hit me like a sledge hammer,

"The most important thing I didn't have was you."

And I never realized that,

and I just went, "Jack, I can't argue with that

because you are so right."

- How can you not think of that?

I mean, how can you not be aware of

how important you are to your children?

- Because I was drunk, under the influence of drugs,

or my ego is bigger than the house, you know?

'Cause I'm a rocker.

I've been rocking and rolling for the best part of my life.

And I thought I come from the a working class family,

that bringing the bread home was the main thing.

- Are you mad at your dad

for what he's done throughout his life?

- No.

It hurt my feelings a lot, but no.

- Why not?

- Because I can't be mad at someone I love.

I feel like such a dork.

- Are you mad that you missed him?

That there were times when you needed him

and you missed him?

- Yeah.

- Have you ever told him that, just straight up?

And the reason I ask is because it is critically important

to his rehabilitation and staying clean and sober

to know how important he is to both of y'all.

- I've told him.

It's just hard to tell someone that though.

- What did you miss most?

- Having a father.

- [Dr. Phil] Yeah, but what about it?

I mean, did you miss him sitting on your bed

and talking to you?

Did you miss him being at school for an event?

Did you miss him walking down the street with you?

What did you miss the most?

- I can't even remember a time when I was a kid

when we'd ever go out as a family

or go to a movie with my dad or...

He'd fall asleep in my school meetings.

And I thought that's the way that all families are.

I didn't understand it.

- What do you want from him now?

- I can't ask for anything else.

He's sober and he's back.

- [Dr. Phil] Why is it hard for you to hear that, Sharon?

- Just is, 'cause it takes you back, you know?

You don't wanna go back.

You wanna go forward.

- But how can you go forward without going back?

- I don't like to go back.

You know, I just kind of stuff it

and you just keep marching forward.

(gentle music)

- Do you agree with that it's not too late

for you to be a huge influence in her life?

- Absolutely.

- Because young girls grow up

and they really need that connection with their dad.

And it's not too late for you to do all those things

that you say, "I wish I'd have done that, but I didn't."

And she needs for you to really be involved in her life

and treat it with dignity and respect

and have a passion for what she has a passion for.

That will teach her to never settle

for anything less from any man in her life.

That's the good news.

- I know, yeah.

- You know he's important in her life, right?

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- He's gonna teach her about men

and what to settle for and not settle for.

(Bert shrieking)

- [SHARON] Kelly!

- What?

- Are you talking to a boy?

- I don't have a boyfriend.

I don't want a boyfriend.

- I hope you don't want a (bleep) girlfriend.

I'm only joking.

I hope.

- In a couple months I'm going to Vegas

and getting married just for the hell of it.

- He will cheat on you.

(Bert shrieks)

I'm just gonna see if he passes the Osbourne test.

- Guess what Dad?

I'm gonna get married before Christmas.

- Good for you.

- Everybody's read the anonymous poem

entitled "Children Learn What They Live."

It says children learn what they live.

You know, they live with this, they learn that,

they live with something else, they learn something else.

What's the biggest mistake you made as a parent?

And obviously bringing drugs and alcohol

into your life and your home,

you gotta be at the top of the list.

But besides that, what's the biggest mistake you've made?

- Being a people pleaser.

- With your children?

- With my family.

Sharon, I will say very slowly,

it is not my band and I don't wanna do any promotion.

Let them whose band it is do the fuckin' promotion.

- Do you wanna do it?

- Yes.

- Where do you wanna sit, here?

- Wherever you want, Sharon.

This (bleep) thing sucks.

I hate it.

- Sit here with me, Ozzy.

And anyway, I didn't wanna sit at this restaurant.

I wanted to go to the other one.

- Okay, let's go to the other one.

I'll go and look.

What is the schedule?

- A show tomorrow and then a show in Albuquerque.

- You can't do that.

You're blowing me out for the...

You can't do that, Sharon.

I'm 52 years of age.

You should have known that.

You knew that before you booked this (bleep) thing.

I won't do it.

I'm telling you right now, I ain't doing it

Hello Albuquerque.

How are you doing?

- What would you say is your biggest mistake?

- Not laying down more rules,

not having more structure for them

when they were growing up.

Definitely.

- I'm not complaining.

No, I'm kidding.

- Do you think it hurts you?

- No.

- For them to be less directive

and not hold you to a higher standard?

- Yes and no.

But then again, if it was any different,

I wouldn't be who I am today and I like who I am, so...

- So where do you think Kelly's life will be

five years from now?

You gonna be grandparents?

- I hope so.

She better start pretty soon.

I hope so.

I hope we'll be grandparents

and I hope that she'll just,

whatever she does, be happy. - Five years, Mum?

- [JACK] 25's young.

- Pretty young to have kids, Mum.

- No it's not. - Yes it is.

- I'll take care of them, you can go off.

You can leave them with me and dad.

- Mum, I can barely take care of myself.

I do not wanna have kids yet, thank you.

- Well, there you go.

I suppose I won't be having grandchildren in five years.

I would love it.

But most of all, I just want them to be happy

and be doing what they want to do.

- How about Jack, where you think he'll be in five years?

- I think he'll be working with people,

which I think is really great.

- If they wanted to go off to do a job

that was helping somebody else,

I'd be very happy.

- Let me ask you a question, Sharon.

- Yeah?

- What would you do if Jack said,

"I wanna go and live in Australia."

And Kelly said, "I wanna go and live in New Zealand."

- Honestly?

If they were to go to Australia,

we'd probably get a summer home.

- I don't think I could ever live

that far away from my family though.

- If you got a summer home in Australia,

and they went, "(bleep) this, I've gotta get away.

I'm going back to America."

Would we be following them for the rest of our lives?

- No, of course not.

That would be ridiculous.

But until they were 30 or 40, that's fine.

- [OZZY] We should change our names

to Mr. And Mrs. Ridiculous.

- So, you wanna know what I think?

- Yeah, I do.

- Because I've watched all the episodes

and there are some things that I think

are different than a lot of families in this family.

But I also think that this is one of the most loving,

committed, and most mutually supportive families

that I've ever seen.

- I don't get why we came anyway

if we're not sure if we're wanted or not.

- 'Cause we love him. - 'Cause it's love, Kelly.

- (bleep) crap on your lip.

(Sharon laughing)

Rock and roll!

- I'm an ass kicking fat kid.

♪ You've gotta give a little ♪

♪ Take a little ♪ (Sharon laughing)

♪ And let your heart break a little ♪

♪ That's the story of ♪

- [OZZY] Jack!

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

- Now fuck off.

♪ You've gotta laugh a little ♪

♪ Cry a little ♪

- I love you more than any words, than any vows,

and any poetry could ever capture.

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

- Two hands.

♪ As long as there is all of us ♪

♪ We've got the world and all its charms ♪

- Ow.

(dog yaps)

- Oh!

Bitch.

♪ We've got each other's arms ♪

- Ozzy Osbourne.

♪ You've got to win a little ♪

♪ Lose a little ♪

♪ And always have to blues a little ♪

♪ That's the story of ♪

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

- Stop it!

Or I'll kick you all out.

Ow!

Dick.

That's on camera, Kelly.

I'm showing that to Mom.

- You don't need a therapist.

You just need to get up at seven and open the (bleep) door.

♪ That's the story of ♪

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

- I'm not ready to croak yet.

- She's doing (bleep) great, man.

- And definitely not with a wig on.

- Eight broken ribs, broken neck.

But I'm going back with more than I came.

♪ That's the story of ♪

- I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

♪ That's the glory of ♪

- Sharon!

♪ Of love ♪

- I love you all.

I love you more than life itself.

But you're all fuckin' mad.

- This is it, right?

- [OZZY] Yeah.

- You're gonna shut the cameras off, send everybody home?

- This is it.

It really is.

- Well, last question.

What's been the greatest thing about doing this TV show?

- I've always said this, that it's the greatest thing

for us as a family to look back on,

so that my kids can give it to their kids to pass down.

- I guess the opportunity

that it really kind of opened up for me,

I think was the best part.

- I agree with Jack.

And the people that I've worked with,

like, I would never give that back for anything.

- What's the best thing that's happened

about the show for you?

- That we're all still alive, I suppose.

(no audio)