Original subtitles

- [SHARON] Daddy.

- I don't what the fuck I've done with my money, Sharon.

- [SHARON] What?

- [OZZY] I can't remember what I've done

with my cash from my suit.

- I don't even think you took it out, bubba.

I never even...

- I've looked and it's not in there.

What the fuck have I done with that money?

- Now, hold on.

All right.

Last night you came in...

- [OZZY] It's driving me fuckin' mad.

- [SHARON] Ozzy.

- It pisses me off.

I've gone through every pair of fuckin' drawers.

Everything.

I think it's been stolen.

- [TONY] Oz.

- Oh.

Thanks a lot, Tone.

Fuckin' hell.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(gentle music)

(dogs barking)

- I'm condemned to death by a thousand barks.

Kelly, are you coming to Japan with us?

- I'm the reason why we're going to Japan.

- [OZZY] What are you talking about?

- Because they never released my album there,

so they're just releasing it.

So I'm going over there.

- What do I need to go for then?

- [KELLY] To you get the fuckin' award, so just be happy.

- You have a lifetime achievement award.

- I don't like going into countries without good TV.

But the thing is, Japanese fuckin' food

taste resembles fuckin' wallpaper paste.

- You know you're happy when you get there

and you know you have a good time.

- I used to be when I used to drink.

- Would you like to drink vodka from my shoe?

- Yes.

- Now that does not smell bad, does it?

(Ozzy inhales deeply)

Does it?

(gentle melodic music)

- I'm gonna put all your outfits together.

Should we try the dress to make sure?

So there's no surprises.

- I really smell though right now, I have bad BO,

and I don't wanna get it on the dress.

- [STYLIST] Kelly?

- Yeah?

- [STYLIST] Okay, well maybe you'll sign something for me

saying that when you go to Japan-

- [KELLY] Saying what?

- [STYLIST] That I'm not responsible.

- After it leaves your hands, you're not responsible.

(upbeat music)

(indistinct chatter)

- Will you take care of Minnie?

She needs attention 'cause I'm not here.

- Yes. - Minnie.

- Sure. - Okay.

Thank you girls.

- Kelly?

- [KELLY] Yeah?

- We're going to Japan.

- [KELLY] I know, I can't wait.

It's my favorite country in the whole time world

and I cannot wait to go.

(upbeat music)

- I love you, Minnie!

- [KELLY] We're late, shut the door!

(upbeat foreign language music)

- [OZZY] What time is it here now?

- [TONY] Ten past four.

- Jet lag here always me around, you know?

Takes forever.

Is your Japanese coming back to you?

- No.

No.

You know, I pick up little words and stuff,

but that's, yeah, I just can't really speak it.

Even my aunt and uncle were on the phone

speaking to me in Japanese

and I'm like, what can you do?

You don't understand the word they're saying.

- [SHARON] Did you put a translator on?

- Yeah.

- [SHARON] Great.

- Would it be any problem for them to just say hello?

They can't speak English, so it would be like...

- No problem.

(upbeat music)

- [KELLY] Ooh.

I think this must be one of the biggest rooms in Tokyo.

I love it so much.

- [JACK] This is awesome.

- Lovely, lovely, lovely.

- Lobster, potato, fuckin' cauliflower...

- [SHARON] What?

- Sesame crock of fish, fresh food.

- [SHARON] Are you reading the menu?

(speaking in foreign language on television)

- You can have steamed red snapper for breakfast.

Fuckin' hell.

- [SHARON] What have we got for desserts?

- Omelet and rice.

What the fuck?

(upbeat music)

(melodic music)

♪ Putting on my best face ♪

♪ Running with a suitcase ♪

♪ I'll lead you on a goose chase ♪

♪ Pretty as a trumpet girl ♪

♪ Good morning world ♪

(phone ringing)

(speaking in foreign language)

- I'm on the way, I'm right now.

We were just walking out the door as you were calling.

"Jack, we're late.

You really can't keep me waiting.

Don't you know who I am?

I am Kelly Osbourne.

I am gonna be late."

Kelly, I'm sorry I left your friends waiting.

- Do you know how angry the Japanese get when you're late?

And you don't have to deal with that, I do.

- I'm sorry I don't have two albums.

Even if they do get angry, you're not gonna be allowed

to yell at you about it.

(tranquil music)

- [SHARON] What's on your mind?

- [OZZY] I aint got a mind right now.

I'm tired.

(car horns honking)

What's that ringing?

- [SHARON] Why is it in Japanese?

- [OZZY] How the fuck do I know that?

(tranquil music)

(speaking in foreign language)

(all laughing)

- Thank you very much.

(all clapping)

- Sign here?

- Sure.

- Sign sign sign sign sign.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- [TRANSLATOR] He's so happy.

He's very happy.

- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.

(Kelly laughing)

Thank you very much.

(upbeat music)

- So, okay, I'm meeting you.

(speaking in foreign language)

And what do you say?

(speaking in foreign language)

- What am I saying when I say that?

Probably...

- It's been like, I haven't seen you in a long time.

- Can we say something else?

- No.

Are you nervous?

- Yeah.

Wouldn't you be if you've never seen family members

and first time here?

- I'm a talkative girl.

Just listen to me.

(speaking in foreign language)

- No.

(speaking in foreign language)

Are you really Japanese?

Do you have really Japanese blood in you?

- [SAM] You'll see.

You'll see.

Can't you just like break it down a little?

I mean, that's a long word.

- Forget about this then.

Why don't we do this?

(speaking in foreign language)

- Yeah, that's how are you?

That's good.

- Isn't there another how are you?

No?

(rhythmic music)

(speaking in foreign language)

- We always take a photo of one item,

of one thing that you have,

which you are really into or you like.

Do you have anything with you that they can

take photo of and introduce it?

- This is, it's a good luck charm that somebody gave me.

But what it is, it's a silver mold of a raccoon penis.

(speaking in foreign language)

(all laughing)

(speaking in foreign language continues)

- [TRANSLATOR] Why is this a lucky charm?

- [KELLY] I don't know!

(all laughing)

(upbeat music)

I don't wanna go back to LA.

- [JACK] I can't wait to go.

- I miss the dogs so much.

- [JACK] I miss Lola terribly.

- Minnie and Maggie must be with their mother.

(melodic music)

- [OZZY] Oh, wonderful.

Where's the History Channel now?

Every fucking channel.

What the fuck?

I wanna go home.

(upbeat music)

♪ Who you talking to baby ♪

♪ Is it a long long world ♪

- Japanese Prada.

♪ 'Cause she don't get my style ♪

- [KELLY] Mum, shopping for Japanese fashion.

♪ And is she going with you ♪

- I'm going next door into Dior with Tony.

You go in there.

We're going next door. - Okay.

- You're not fuckin going to Christian Dior in Japan

because there's one in Beverly Hills.

Now get in here.

You got caught.

(peaceful oriental music)

- [SAM] I'm not gonna be able to do this.

- Hi.

How are you?

How are you?

I have something to say.

Okay

(speaking in foreign language)

(gentle music)

Okay.

(speaking in foreign language)

- We're very happy that we're able to see you

after we haven't seen you in such a long time.

(speaking in foreign language)

(speaking in foreign language continues)

- We do wish you spoke a little Japanese.

- [SAM] Okay.

(intense music)

- I got a bride and groom outfit for Boris and Lu.

- What did you get for Minnie?

- There was no...

She's too fat.

- Sam's family's here.

His uncle, his aunt, his cousins.

- Would it be a bad time to bring 'em in

just to say hello and then they're gonna leave?

- [OZZY] Bring them in.

- [SHARON] Please bring them in, Sam.

- [SAM] They don't take up much space.

They're very small.

- Sam...

- [SAM] They just wanna come in and say hi.

- [SHARON] Hi!

- [SAM] This is my cousin Naomi.

- [SHARON] Hi Naomi.

- And she's like a really huge fan.

- I'm very glad to see you.

I am a great fan of you.

- And this is my aunt and uncle.

- How did you get so tall?

- I don't know.

Thank you again. - Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Arigato.

(upbeat music)

- [TONY] Oz?

Wanna come in the room and see this video?

- What for?

- [TONY] Your legend award.

(upbeat music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Legend award.

(speaking in foreign language on TV)

Ozzy Osbourne.

(speaking in foreign language on television)

- Is that it?

That's the worst introductory tape I've ever seen.

So what I do, go on and say thanks a lot and goodnight?

- [SHARON] Mm-hm.

- Is that all I have to say?

- [SHARON] Well, do you wanna say anything else?

- Not really.

(upbeat music)

How far is the venue away?

- [TONY] How far is the venue?

Take us about 25 to 30 minutes.

- Just to have myself some time to get...

- How far is it Sharon?

- Five minutes, Jack.

That's all.

- Oh my god!

I told her before we left that the zip was fucking shady

and the zip broke.

- Okay, there must be a needle on thread in here.

It's not bad.

We'll fix it.

Don't worry.

Go on, you get calm.

Don't worry.

- I sat and I told her with the tailor,

the zip is gonna break.

I know this dress, it's a tacky zip.

The zip is gonna break.

And it broke.

- [AIDA] Here, let me hold that.

- Yeah, hold that, Aida.

Mother fucker.

- I thought I had it.

I was like, yes!

- No, this bitch aint coming down.

- [SHARON] Don't worry.

We'll fix it.

It will all be good.

(upbeat music)

(crowd cheering)

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

(speaking in foreign language)

- [KELLY] We're ready.

- Ready?

What have I gotta say again?

- Just thank you very much for everybody in Asia.

- That's a speech fit for a king.

- Thank you so much for this award.

Now fuck off.

(fanfare)

(audience cheering and applauding)

- [ANNOUNCER] Legend award.

(announcer speaking in foreign language)

Ozzy Osbourne.

(audience cheering)

- I'd like to thank all the people of Japan

for giving me this award.

Thank you very much.

I love you all.

(audience cheering and applauding)

That was quick.

- Nice award.

- Thank you.

- I will treasure this award until I get home.

(peaceful music)

- What time are we leaving?

- When your mum's ready.

- [KELLY] Mum?

- [SHARON] Yes, soon, bubba.

- Minnie's waiting to take a shit on the carpet for you.

- I'd sniff her shit all the way to heaven.

- She aint going to heaven.

- [SHARON] She fuckin' is.

- She aint.

(melodic foreign language music)

(airplane engine whirring)

- [SHARON] Where's Minnie?

Minnie?

Oh Lola, I told you daddy was coming, didn't I?

Where's Minnie?

Minnie?

Minnie?

Hello, Minnie.

Come on, get out.

Get out.

(Minnie growling)

Why are you growling, Minnie?

Minnie, why are you biting your mother?

Stupid dog.

- How are you feeling?

- I'm glad to be back at home again.

What the fuck?

- [ANNOUNCER] Coming up next on the History Channel,

the American occupation of Japan.

- [OZZY] This fucking television, man.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes..."

- [SHARON] Where are you going?

- Out.

- Halloween is not till fucking October.

You cannot go out like that.

- Maggie overdosed on chocolate, basically.

Her heart rate was really high.

- [OZZY] My fucking heart rate was really high.

- I said to her one time, like,

"Mum, you'd think by now you'd accept me for like who I am."

I don't want to live here anymore, Becca.

- I keep saying to your mom,

don't leave chocolate lying about.

- Let's give that to Maggie.

- It looks pretty though.

- I really, really like it.

- Turn around.

Oh.

(no audio)

(light jingle)

- [OZZY] I wanna go home.