Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- Dad, the thought of you and mum ever having sex,

even to even make me, makes me sick.

- Oh my God, it was immaculate conception.

- [KELLY] Okay, that makes me feel better.

- We never had sex to make you.

You're an angel.

You just flew out of my fanny with a gold ray of light.

- That's your arse, you fool.

- Oh no, here it's arse.

- In England, a fanny is a-

- Crotch. - Yeah.

- Okay, she flew out of my vagina.

There was a beam of light coming through my vagina.

I thought it was a headlight of a car.

- They all had miner's hats when you were born.

They didn't know where the light was coming from.

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- And did you hear this

about you and your mom going to Kenya?

Okay, I was just wondering if you'd heard yet, okay?

'Cause it was surprise to me.

- Kenya?

(assistant laughs)

- I swear to God, read.

- We have some concert dates for Sharon and Kelly-

- We have some concrete dates.

- Oh, concrete dates for Sharon and Kelly's trip to Kenya

in late March, early April.

- So, like, right when you get back from Vancouver.

- I'm not going to Kenya!

Why do I have to go to Kenya?

- It's for-

(phone dial tone beeps)

(assistant laughs)

I dunno what it's for.

That's what we need to find out.

Just press Michael.

(phone beeps)

- Are they (bleep) kidding me?

- That's why I was like, "Oxfam?"

I dunno what Oxfam is. - Is Kenya in Africa?

- Uh-huh.

It would be kinda cool actually.

- Why am I going to Kenya?

And why did no one tell?

"Oh, you're going to Africa."

- What the (bleep) are you on about?

Africa?

What?

- [KELLY] Could you imagine me in Africa with the bugs?

- What are you goin to Kenya for?

- It's on an email.

- Kelly, I would never send you to Africa.

- And don't act like you don't (bleep) know

because I know you know and I wanna know now.

- Oh, well, that's later.

I was going with you.

That's for the Red Cross.

Oxfam, Red Cross, Oxfam.

Kelly, I'm coming with you.

Yeah, it's something for us together.

- I've always wanted to go to Africa.

What's suddenly changed where mum's, like, the safari queen?

(assistant chuckles)

Mum's sending me to Africa.

- Why? - What for?

- An Oxfam thing.

- What?

- An Oxfam thing.

- Kelly, please listen to me,

if you don't ever listen to me again, don't go.

'Cause they know what they do, Kelly?

They'll find out who you are

and they'll kidnap you and hold you to ransom.

- But it's helping people.

- Pardon?

- It's supporting education for women.

- Don't go.

- [JACK] The only thing they need to get educated on...

- Don't say there, don't even say it.

- Is how to cook, clean.

(tropical music)

- Don't say you're going to (bleep) Africa still.

Please don't go to Africa.

Please, I'm begging of you.

So you've already committed, haven't you?

Sharon, I'm leaving you.

If you go to Africa, I'm (bleep) divorcing you,

I'm telling you.

If you go to (bleep) Africa, you can kiss my arse goodbye.

- Why?

- You'll come home with (bleep) malaria or something.

You'll be (bleep) dying, you've got a death wish.

And I mean it, if you go to Africa

and you can kiss my arse goodbye,

I'm going home!

(bleep) Africa.

(tropical music)

- When are we going to Africa?

- Oh.

- [SHARON] Daddy doesn't want us to go.

- Kelly, let me tell you something, sweetheart.

Africa is, like, the most-

- I want to go and help people.

- Well start here.

There's a bunch of people.

- Dad...

But, like...

- Kelly, you get bitten by a (bleep) bug there, you're dead.

Don't go, if you wanna do something any good,

have a look around.

- I've done all that stuff here though.

- No, but, go...

There's plenty of things in our world that need doing.

You don't have to go to (bleep) Africa.

Start down in LA then.

There's plenty of people live in sewers.

You know, there's an old saying, Kelly.

"Charity begins at home."

- [KELLY] I want to go and help people.

(phone rings)

- [AMANADA] Hello?

- [SHARON] Oh, hi Amanda.

You must get Jack up.

Elton will be there in a minute, he's always early.

- [AMANDA] Okay.

- Alright, thanks, bye.

(gentle piano music)

(Jack snores)

- Oh, it's so pretty, this house,

- It feels very English, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

- [DAVID] Yeah, that's nice.

- She's a beauty.

I am (bleep) starving.

- Let's go to In-N-Out.

(classical music)

- [SHARON] What do you wanna order, Kel?

- A number one protein style

with a vanilla milkshake and a Sprite.

- Do you want something, Daddy?

- [OZZY] I do, but I'm not gonna have it.

- Why?

- I don't want any, I don't want a sandwich.

- We can have a cheese sandwich-

- The grilled cheese sandwich, you can get...

- I don't want any bread.

- Yeah, you get it protein style,

it's just wrapped in lettuce.

- [SHARON] It's no bread.

- It's all right.

- Why?

- It's all right.

- You want it, I know you do.

(Elton plays Rule Britannia)

- Can I get a number one protein style?

- [SERVER] Onions on that?

- No, thank you and no tomato either, please.

- Sam, do you want something?

Do you want something?

- With a vanilla milkshake and a Sprite.

- [SAM] Smells the burgers.

- [OZZY] Oh, yeah.

- Oh, that's what it is!

- Three please, first window, thank you, guys,

have a nice day.

- [SHARON] Let's go home.

- Ugh, gross, open the window.

- [SHARON] What are you doing?

- Getting rid of the tomato.

- [SHARON] Kelly.

(Ozzy laughs)

(Elton plays Piano)

(Jack snores)

- You're eating the paper.

(playful music)

Dad.

Look, and they put onion in it too and they stink.

(playful music continues)

(playful music continues)

- You must get Jack up.

Tell him that Elton will be there in a minute.

He's gotta get dressed.

(Jack snores)

- [David] Look at this tea here.

- What?

- [David] Proper English tea.

(Elton plays Piano)

- Hi! - Hey!

- Ah!

(Elton chuckles)

- How you doing? - Hello, darlings.

- Oh! - How are you?

- [SHARON] What a welcome home

to come in and listen to that.

- [ELTON] Oh, look at us!

Hello, gorgeous. - Hello!

- I'm sat down covered in bloody dog hair.

- I might as well have a sheepdog, Sharon.

- I know, look, we're covered!

- Where are the girls?

You only wear yellow gold?

You don't wear white gold?

- Yeah.

- Good, you can have this.

- No, (bleep) off!

- No. - No.

- Yes.

- Oh, no, no!

- No, no. - Please don't.

- No, no.

- Oh, (bleep) (bleep) sake.

- David, put it on him.

- Oh God.

- Then that's your shopping trip present.

- Oh God!

You shouldn't, I feel so bad.

- Don't be so stupid, you silly old bastard.

- Oh (bleep).

That's incredible.

- [ELTON] It's yours, my love.

- Thank you so much, I'm (bleep) embarrassed.

- [DAVID] There's the real ones at home in the safe.

- I'm just so (bleep)-

- Ozzy, he's overly... - Go and give him this.

Babe, I can't take this.

- Go and talk to him.

- No, I can't take this.

- You can't tell him, Ozzy.

- I can't do this, Sharon.

I can't have this off him, it's too much, man.

Sharon, please tell him.

- Ozzy, you don't understand how Elton is.

He'll get upset if you don't.

- Oh, I feel like a (bleep).

It's unbelievable.

(bleep)

Sharon, I feel so embarrassed.

It's too much, darl.

- Did you see what Elton you just gave Daddy?

- No.

Oh, wow.

That's awesome.

- You going shopping? - Yeah.

- [Sharon] Daddy?

Daddy, come and say goodbye.

- Darling, just go, Sharon,

before he ends up giving me his (bleep) house.

(soft piano music)

♪ We're going shopping ♪

♪ With the Osbournes ♪

♪ Spend a fortune ♪

♪ With the Osbournes ♪

(David and Elton laugh)

♪ We're going to Chanel ♪

♪ And Louis Vuitton ♪

♪ Where the girls will try some clothes on ♪

♪ We'll go to Maxfield ♪

♪ And Fred Segal ♪

♪ And then we will get the bill no ♪

(Men laugh)

- Oh, I love you.

- Treasure.

- I feel so spoiled whenever I'm around you guys.

- [SHARON] I know.

- I can't thank you enough.

- [KELLY] Love you guys!

- Take care. - Goodnight, mate.

- [SHARON] Amazing.

- Look, new shoes.

- Oh, (bleep) hell.

Will they fit me?

(group laughs)

- You wish.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Hello. - Hi.

- [CLAIRE] Hi.

- Hi, how are you?

- Nice to meet you, really good.

- So good to meet you, Claire.

I'm Claire, this is Caroline.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Hi, Caroline, how are you doing?

- Good, thank you.

- So, have you ever been to Africa?

- No, never been.

- So it is quite a shock to the system.

They're gritty trips, they're not easy trips

and you know, we don't stay in the nicest hotels.

Sometimes we do the very last day

just to kind of have a bit of, you know, pampering,

but actually, we stay in quite rough places,

so you have to be quite tough and ready for it.

So it's not very far.

So it is a remote, rural area

and we will need to kind of talk to you about

inoculations, health, that kind of thing

'cause you'd need to get totally jabbed up

and you'll need to take malaria tablets,

that kind of thing, as well,

but I can fill you in on that.

- [ASSISTANT] Excuse me, Sharon, it's your Kelly.

She wants to talk to you.

- Kelly Welly?

Hi, darling, how did it go today?

Now, I'm sat here right now in a meeting

with the girls from Oxfam, with Claire and Kaz,

we're here talking about our trip.

Yes, it's so exciting.

Gonna be really, really a rough trip.

- Oh, that's brilliant.

- I thought she was saying that she couldn't do it.

- No, she's saying, "You'll never be able to keep up."

- You'll be fantastic.

- No, no, it's not so, so, so rough.

We can make it really rough if you wanted to.

- [SHARON] First of all, we've gotta find a five star hotel.

(women laugh)

- [CLAIRE] It's not so, so, so rough.

(tense music)

- I don't care.

But they've got (bleep) insects

and they've got Embola over there, or Umbola.

I wouldn't wanna (bleep) go.

You have to have all those,

in anywhere where you have to have

(bleep) loads of injections, do not want to go.

They've got no (bleep) Gucci,

they've got no Chanel, I ain't going.

No Louis Vuitton in Africa.

(upbeat music)

- What is this for?

- Okay, you know when kids get to 18 here,

they're no longer allowed to stay in youth hostels,

foster homes and this Covenant House

is probably one of the only places in Los Angeles

where kids can go and get a roof over their head

and some education

and they will train them in some sort of job.

- This suit fits you, doesn't it?

- What?

- This suit fits you?

- How the (bleep) do I know?

- [ASSISTANT] You can't be afraid

to stick it in though, because...

Maybe look the other...

Yeah.

- [ASSISTANT 2] How's it going?

- It's gonna take a couple tries.

You can't just shove it in there.

- Would you mind just popping this jacket on

just to see if it fits you right?

(suave music)

- That all right?

- Yeah, it's fine, it looks beautiful.

(suave music)

- I think we should put this picture up on the TV

because this screams Sharon, a woman who helps.

(Sharon laughs)

- A woman who cares for other people in Beverly Hills.

(suave music)

These don't (bleep) fit.

These don't fit, Tone!

- [TONY] Too big?

- Too (bleep) big?

I can't get my foot in.

(suave music)

- I'm not trying to be a nag,

but don't show up too late to this party

because your parents will be there without you

and they won't really...

- Yes, I know.

(suave music)

- This is for Covenant House.

Giving you all fair warning then,

last chance, and we're selling!

Boriage for 10,000.

Bravo.

From a grooming home, to something so adorable

and so divine.

Puppy love, ladies and gentlemen, showing up front.

How can you resist?

You can take him home tonight.

You can name him, does he have a name?

- [WOMAN] We're calling him Winston tonight.

- Oh, so tonight we're calling him Winston, as in Harry,

but you can rename him.

So if you walk around.

Now, in addition to the puppy...

(classical music)

(gavel bangs)

Listen up, and start me off, please, at 800 dollars.

800 dollars.

For table 20, at 800.

900.

- (bleep).

- [AUCTIONEER] Table 29.

1200, thank you very much.

Now we're 1200.

It's Kelly Osbourne at 14, 1500.

Oh, this is fierce, Kelly.

It's against you.

1600.

Do us proud.

Bring the puppy back.

2500 now.

3000 dollars, new bidder, table 20, thank you.

3000 dollars.

Kelly, are you out?

We're giving you fair warning

and we're selling this puppy to table 20,

sold for 3000.

(crowd applauds)

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you much.

Now we have a special surprise for you.

Sharon Osbourne to the stage, please.

- Did we lose it?

- First of all, good evening to everyone

and I'm really quite overwhelmed to be here tonight

and be accepting this platinum dove award.

I really don't think that I should even have been considered

for this award.

I don't know why I am getting it,

but I am truly honored to be here

and of course I'm going to accept it.

(crowd laughs)

(crowd chattering)

- [AUCTIONEER] Ah, okay.

I have an announcement to make.

Priscilla Marconi from Covenant House

who bought the puppy is donating it to Kelly Osbourne!

(crowd cheers)

Bravo!

(classical music)

- Sitting over there and I go,

"What is she bidding on this for?"

'Cause we have 14 dogs out at our ranch.

We need another dog?

(crowd chatters)

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

This was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

(classical music)

(man laughs)

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Is his name gonna stay Winston?

- [KELLY] No, that's a bad name.

- [WOMAN 2] Bye, sweetheart.

- He's too tough to be called Winston.

- Winston Churchill was pretty tough.

- Thank you so much.

- He was bald and short.

(couple laugh)

- Bye, puppy!

- (laughs) what?

- He was balding too.

(laughs) And he wasn't very tall.

(suave music)

- [CHAUFFEUR] Silver Lexus!

Have a good night.

- Kelly! - What?

- [OZZY] Your dog's done a (bleep).

(Kelly laughs)

- That's nice, what do you want me to do about it?

Dad, there are, like, 12 dogs in the kitchen.

How do you know that it was my dog that (bleep)?

- [OZZY] Your dog, Kelly!

- I know that that was Kelly's dog from the smell.

- Only 'cause you named it (bleep)head.

- I didn't name it (bleep)head,

I call it (bleep)head

'cause sometimes it's a little annoying.

(Ozzy shouts)

Dad!

- [KELLY'S FRIEND] The dog is, like, dead over there.

- [KELLY] He doesn't look like he's dead

because he's breathing.

- Kelly, pick it up.

Kelly, I'm telling you,

I'm gonna (bleep) drown the dog, or give it away

if it craps in my house again!

When was the last time you ever cleaned up?

- [KELLY] I don't do (bleep), okay?

- But you buy the dog so I'll pick up the (bleep)?

Stop buying (bleep) dogs.

Buy dogs and the whole house is (bleep).

(upbeat music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on the Osbournes.

- I decided to do an auction

and the highest bidder of paid 20,000 dollars

to spend the day with me.

- Oh my God, I'm staying at the mansion!

- Do we have some stranger staying in our house?

- And we get to hang out tonight.

Cool!

(suave music)

(dogs bark)

God!

(chaotic drumming)

I'm a singer. - Great!

- A really good one too.

♪ Sometimes I feel like I've lost my own soul ♪

- Oh, (bleep).

That's incredible.