Original subtitles

(chair banging)

- Hi, is Kelly there please?

Could you, hi, it's Sharon,

could you just tell her, her mom called?

(chair banging)

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

- [OZZY] Fuck that.

♪ Crazy, hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people, living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe, it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love, and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- Did you speak to Kelly today?

- Yeah, and she's having a really bad day.

- [JACK] Why?

- Because the guy who's strung out on heroine,

is masturbating in his room screaming oh god, oh god,

every time he comes.

- [JACK] That's great.

- I had to call up the counter.

I said, Kelly's having some problems,

I said, you have an inpatient there

that is constantly masturbating,

and saying oh god, oh god,

and so the woman councilor said, yes,

I'm fully aware of that.

I said, well how are you going to stop it?

Because my daughter can't sleep,

and he might be a rapist.

- Oh Sharon, she only phoned up

to tell you about a guy tossing.

Now, you're saying he's a fucking Ted Bundy on a phone call.

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] Kelly called?

- [BECCA] Oh yeah.

- What's she requesting now?

- A portable DVD players and some DVDs.

And for Reba, you know, you heard that I'm sure,

for Reba to come do her nails,

'cause she can't go up to the salon.

Yeah, she's really thinking about things.

Do you want to hear the message?

- Please.

- [BECCA] You'll laugh.

- Hey Becca, it's Kelly,

I was just calling to give you

a list of stuff that I need.

Pictures from home, I need some money,

I need more shoes, and a few more clothes,

you know ones I like to wear, oh and socks,

I need socks, and a coat,

and will you bring it tomorrow?

Okay, thanks, bye.

- [ANSWERING MACHINE] End of message.

- Then she called me this afternoon

to ask me for a portable DVD player and DVDs.

- Bullshit.

Downright bullshit.

- This isn't fucking Club Med,

this isn't summer vacation.

- Have you heard anything from

our fucking drug addict daughter?

- Well, she's asked for the manicurist

and she's asked for a DVD player,

so I think she's doing well,

the little shit head she is.

- You know, she might as well be at

the fucking shopping mall.

We've got to show her the full reality

of the danger of what she's fucking around with.

She's gonna think all rehabs are like Club Med.

She will fucking leave.

Kelly staying in rehab, kiss my fucking ass.

(upbeat music)

- I want a baby Lucas.

Can I clone him?

- That's like if I had another one,

I don't think it would be as good as this little man.

- But it's good in a different way.

- Hey, Lucas.

- You know, you'd probably have something like Kelly.

- If I had a Kelly, I'd bloody have to send it back

with a big smack on the ass.

That's what she needs, a big smack on the ass.

- That's what Kelly didn't get enough of

when she was a kid.

She never used to get spanked.

I used to get spanked.

She just needs a good smack.

- [MELINDA] Yeah, she does.

Your mom needs to come down on her like a ton of bricks.

She did that to you and you turned out great.

- I turned out like a pillar

of fucking sobriety.

- You did.

- Count it biotch, woohoo.

- [MELINDA] One year.

- [JACK] 365 days.

- [MELINDA] Remember when I used to come visit you

in that prison?

- [JACK] It was nothing short of a prison.

- [MELINDA] Seriously, I said to your mom,

one fucking day in there, Kelly would know she was alive.

- Seriously, she'd fucking find humility real quick.

- [MELINDA] Yeah, I know.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- So, Wednesday Jack's going and he'll take her socks

and her shampoo and her hairbrush.

- It really is, it's a joke.

It's an insult to call it a fucking rehab.

It really is.

- Well, if she's called Becca three times,

she's called her friend Ally every other minute of the day,

she must be on the phone all day.

And when they asked me yesterday to send her money,

I'm like for what?

- No, don't send her any money.

And you should by right notify them

and people you don't think she should be talking to.

- I talked to the councilor about it.

- She's 19 though, what can they do?

- [SHARON] There's nothing I can do.

- No, I said to Sharon last night,

Kelly, she'll either get it this time

or go in and out for fucking 16 years,

or she'll die.

You know, Jack's got one year clean and sober today.

I'm so fucking happy for him

and he's really worked hard.

- [ASSISTANT] Jack, it's your birthday.

(phone ringing)

- It's Tots.

- Who's calling?

- [SHARON] Totsie, Kelly.

- Tottles.

What?

I can't hear what you're saying Kel.

Why do you hate this place?

I'm not being rude

and I'm not being condescending

but the places that you're in

are not there to be like a summer camp.

I don't know what to say either.

You do the time or you don't.

If you don't do the time,

I guarantee you'll use again.

So, what do you wanna do Kel?

Well, let me give you back to mommy

and I'll think about it, hold on.

- Hi boobsy.

But Tots, what are you gonna do when you come out?

How are you not gonna go back into what you were doing?

What are you gonna do in the nights for example?

I'm terrified.

I'm just terrified that you don't have

enough time under your belt to come out.

Can I just get Jack in on this

'cause he knows all about this.

Hi, will you talk to Kelly on the phone?

She's upset, she's not getting anything from this place.

I mean, she's right because they are fucking nuts in there.

Will you talk to her?

Totsy, here's Jack.

- Hi.

Yeah Kel, rehab's not for normal people.

Just stay, stick it out Kel,

just stick it out.

Here.

I love you, here's mom.

- Poppit, hi, listen to me.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, just a minute.

Jack, what do you think?

Okay, this is, I just need your opinion,

listen to me out.

If we have James come here and work with Kelly

and she promises to do 90 meetings in 90 days

and she works with James.

- No.

- [SHARON] No?

All right, will you call me back?

I love you darling.

Bye.

- You're fucking retarded.

- [SHARON] What?

- You're fucking retarded.

- Who is?

- You are.

- I'm not retarded.

- You're not.

Okay, okay Kelly, you can come home.

- [SHARON] I never said that.

- You just fucking did.

- [SHARON] I didn't, what did I just say?

- Well, what if we have James come

and you do 90 meetings, bullshit.

(upbeat music)

- That's fucking bullshit.

- [JACK] I wanna talk to Kelly.

- Do you wanna talk to him?

Okay, one second.

It's Melinda.

- Hello.

I wanna call, I wanna call her and her fucking councilor.

Okay.

Kelly's already fucking gone.

- [BECCA] Oh yeah.

- [JACK] You know they couldn't give a fuck

if she gets sober or not 'cause it's up to her.

Yeah, it doesn't effect me

but at the end of the day,

I'll go to, even if she doesn't say so,

it's not gonna keep me from fucking sleeping, you know?

She's gonna, and she's...

- [BECCA] Well, it's not gonna affect your sobriety.

- No, it's not gonna effect my sobriety

because it, she's you know, yeah.

- [BECCA] You're kidding me.

(upbeat music)

- You're nuts.

(suspenseful music)

You know when like everyone leaves,

I'm gonna just bust out the booze.

- Bye Jack, I love you.

- [KELLY] Who's here mom?

- [SHARON] Everybody.

Hey, Terry's here.

- [KELLY] I'll come down.

(everyone applauding)

- Um, um, thank you everyone for being here.

It's awesome.

I'm glad everyone could be here.

Um, like I said earlier,

I didn't think you know, 367 days ago I'd be sitting here

and I'm glad I am

and I'm glad that I have the people in my life

that I do today, so thank you.

(everyone applauding)

- [SHARON] Kelly's here.

(suspenseful music)

- [JACK] Are you fucking kidding me?

- Jack, she just, she's here.

- [JACK] Mom, stop defending her.

You know what it is mom?

It's just, it hurts me mom,

to know that my own sister won't even,

I go to give her a hug...

- [OZZY] What happened now?

Fucking drug addict kids.

- I'm fucking tired.

- Go on, get back and sleep, and I love you Kel.

- [OZZY] Fucking drug addict kids.

- Kelly, it's Jack.

Hi, nothing you called?

You doing all right, though?

You're doing what they're saying?

You getting anything out of it yet?

Kel, you're at fucking rehab.

This isn't supposed to be an easy time in life.

(dogs barking)

- Hi.

Hi daddy.

- [OZZY] Oh hi baby.

- [SHARON] You talked to Kelly on the phone?

- Yeah.

- How is she darling?

- [OZZY] She sounded weird.

- [SHARON] Why?

How so?

- She just sounded weird.

She's coming home tomorrow.

- [SHARON] Tomorrow?

I thought she wasn't coming home til Sunday.

- She's coming home tomorrow,

about two she'll be here.

- [SHARON] Okay.

- Kelly's home.

- [SHARON] Look who's here.

- [JACK] Hi.

- Hi.

I like your shirt.

- [JACK] You doing all right?

- Yeah, I'm just over being in rehab.

- [JACK] It happens.

- No, I'm so stoked on getting out of there.

- Say, I'm so very happy.

Go on.

- Why?

- Go on.

- Why?

- Say it. - Why?

- Would you say it?

- Why?

- Please.

- [KELLY] Why?

- [SHARON] Please, please.

- Why?

- Pretty please.

- Why?

- I'm so very happy.

- I'm so very happy.

- To be getting out of there.

- [KELLY] Why?

'Cause you don't like the way I said stoked?

- Yes.

- Fuck off.

- [SHARON] No stoked, no man, no dude.

- Take me as I am.

Take it or leave it.

That's what they told me in rehab to tell you.

- Give me a break.

- [KELLY] Mom, but seriously you have to stop doing that.

If you don't like what you see

then just shut up.

I'm serious.

- [JACK] Did they tell you to say it like that?

- No, but I'm just serious mom.

If you don't like the way I have my hair

or you don't like the way that I dress,

mom.

- [JACK] She wouldn't be a mother

if she didn't voice her opinion.

- Just stop.

But right now I can't really take it.

Mom, and what you also have to understand,

is like just because I'm home

doesn't mean that I can handle things

the same way as I usually can.

- [JACK] But Kel, you're gonna have to learn

to handle it though.

- Of course I am.

- Excuse me dude,

I am just fucking great as I am, now fucking accept me

and leave me alone.

- You're such a bitch.

(upbeat music)

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] So, what's been going on?

- Absolutely fucking nothing.

I'm a 20 year old girl

with a fucking curfew

and I just got out of rehab

so my life is pretty boring right now.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] But just think how

exciting it's gonna be.

- Oh wow.

Do you know how painful it is for me

to have to fucking walk in the door

at like 10:30 every night?

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Do you really, is that your curfew?

- Ugh, I hate it.

(upbeat music)

There's a couple Silver Lake ones.

What meeting do you go to on Tuesday night?

See, see, that's what's fucking bullshit.

I can't go to that meeting

because Jack's speaking at it

and I don't know where else to go.

He asked me not to go.

He goes, I don't wanna get in the way of your sobriety.

I'd just prefer if you didn't go.

And it's like, whatever, I respect that.

It's Tuesday, right?

I don't wanna go to the Valley.

See, and I don't fucking get that.

Like I wanna go to a bar to have an AA meeting.

What's that?

I am not going to a Russian speaking meeting.

There's a, I don't wanna go to a woman's meeting.

Okay, I'm looking through a meeting guide

from April two thousand and fucking one,

no wonder I couldn't find anything in it.

- [SHARON] Now, how come you're all dressed up to go out?

- [KELLY] Because I was bored.

- [SHARON] What's going on?

- [OZZY] You're not going to clubs tonight, are ya?

When was the last time you went to a meeting?

- Dad, how can I be expected to

do everything that I have to do

on top of doing everything else?

- [SHARON] You should get up and go to the...

- My priority is my sobriety.

- [KELLY] Have I used?

- [OZZY] No darling, but...

- I didn't say that I was never going

to a meeting again dad.

- [OZZY] Okay, it's your sobriety Kelly.

- Exactly.

- [OZZY] All right.

- [SHARON] Liz, when did you last go to a meeting?

- Today.

- [SHARON] Thank you.

Kelly.

- Me?

Last night.

- [SHARON] Kelly.

- Wednesday.

Would you like me to invent a meeting right now

and have one for you,

would it make you feel better?

- We can go to a meeting,

we can go to late night.

- Yeah, we can go to late night.

- Right now, 11:30 to 1.

- That's fabulous, get a subway sandwich

and go in the meeting and sit.

- [LIZ] You'll love late night, it's cooky.

- I really hate you right now mom

and I'm not even kidding

because this is the kind of shit

that fucks with my head,

so you need to stop.

Mom, you have no idea what it's like

to be a drug addict because you're not

addicted to anything but food.

- What the fuck are you on about?

- [KELLY] Okay, I really do need to go eat, come on.

- [SHARON] What time are you coming back?

- [KELLY] After I've eaten.

I love you mom.

- [LIZ] Bye guys.

- [SHARON] Come right back.

(upbeat music)

Kelly.

- [KELLY] Mom.

- How are you?

Why can't you just say to us,

I wanna go to a club?

- [KELLY] Because it's what you don't wanna hear.

If you, if you wanna get something out of me,

you've gotta give a little too.

- All I'm asking is that you just say,

hey mom, I'm going to a club, that's all.

- [KELLY] No, because this is what you say,

a club?

A club?

- Oh stop with your anger, stop with your anger.

Listen to me Kel,

just say to me, mom,

you don't have to say you sat in Mel's diner for four hours.

- [KELLY] I did sit in Mel's diner for four hours.

- You went to a club.

- [KELLY] Mom, you know I don't even wanna tell you

what I do with my life because it becomes like this

and no matter what I say,

you're gonna tell me that I'm lying.

It's annoying mom.

Oh for god's sake.

- What did I do now?

- [KELLY] I just don't wanna fight anymore.

- I'm not fighting,

I just come to say hello.

- [KELLY] Look, can I please get in the bath?

- What?

Do you want to sit in the bath?

- [KELLY] No, I want to get in the bath.

Can you please leave?

- Yeah, okay.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] So, what do we do?

- What?

- [SHARON] What do we do?

- With what?

- [SHARON] Kelly.

- I'm not having anything to do with it

'cause as soon as I open my fucking mouth

I get stomped on.

- [SHARON] She feels trapped.

She doesn't like the rules in the house.

- Well, she agreed to them, not me.

Unfortunately Sharon, you have to let them go eventually.

Unfortunately, she's only gonna get,

I don't think she's gonna get,

we'll get a restraining order.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Did you hear this about you and your mom

going to Kenya?

- Africa?

- [KELLY] Could you imagine me in Africa with the bugs?

- What are you going to Kenya for?

- [KELLY] Mom's sending me to Africa.

- What?

- [SHARON] Daddy doesn't want us to go.

- Kelly, let me tell you something.

Africa is like the...

- I want to go and help people.

- Well, start here.

- [SHARON] Well, first of all,

we've gotta find a five star hotel.

- Have you ever been to Africa?

- Please don't go to Africa.

- Why?

- You'll come out with Malaria or something.

I mean it, you go to Africa

and you can kiss my ass goodbye.

I'm going home.