Original subtitles

- [NARRATOR] Previously on "The Osbournes."

(tropical music)

- Let's go on holiday quicker.

- Well, where are we gonna go?

- Fiji, paradise.

- All right, I'm going to pick a place.

- [KELLY] Mom, I got it!

- [SHARON] What?

- That show.

- [OZZY] Where are you going?

- [KELLY] Canada.

I don't get to go on holiday.

- [SHARON] Okay, so guess where we're going on holiday.

- Come on, tell me.

- [SHARON] Hawaii.

- [OZZY] How many people are coming on this holiday?

- Jack, and two of his friends.

- [OZZY] I don't like Jack's friends.

- [SHARON] Oh, Daddy, don't be miserable.

- [OZZY] I don't wanna go.

(airplane whooshing)

(theatrical music)

♪ Crazy, hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

("Hawaii Five-0 Theme")

- [GREETER] May I give you your leis?

- Thank you.

Ozzy.

Your lei's here.

- [OZZY] Fuck that.

- Thank you so much.

- You know the hookers here speak Japanese, I heard.

That's intense.

Smart tricks.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] You're gonna get some hookers?

- No, we're not gonna get hookers.

(Jack's friends laughing)

You can get a hooker with the $400 I'm loaning you.

- I'm not.

- [DRIVER] They all go to the strip club.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Do they have nice strip clubs here?

- [DRIVER] Oh, yeah.

- Are they all 21 and over or there any 18?

- [DRIVER] They're supposed to be 21,

but there's a bunch of 18.

- Okay.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Oh, we're going to a strip club.

(mellow music)

- [GREETER] Aloha.

- Hello.

- [GREETER] How are you?

- Good. - Okay, put this on.

- Thank you.

- [GREETER] A warm towel for you.

- Thank you.

- [GREETER] You're welcome, sir.

- Yes.

- Did you get your suitcase at the airport?

- What?

- Did you get your suitcase?

- No, no one ever handed it to me.

- Well, because somebody...

And I'm not sure if it was amongst our luggage,

but somebody said that everybody got their bags in this van.

Is that is there?

- No, that's Finn's.

Fucking, for fuck's sake. ♪ Aloha oe ♪

Aloha oe

- [HOTEL STAFF] I can take your bag, come on in.

♪ E ke onaona noho i ka lipo ♪

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- [SHARON] Did you get it?

- I must have pressed the wrong button by mistake.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, the fuck is this.

I'm gonna go down there and then it's gonna fucking...

(phone ringing)

Yes, are you ringing my room?

Could you put the call through to here, please?

Oh, is this the hotel operator?

Yes, somebody's ringing my room.

Oh, they've stopped, it's okay.

All right, thank you.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- Mom.

- Yeah, hi. - Hi.

Tony left my bag at the airport.

- Which bag?

- My suitcase.

And I'm fucking livid right now.

- Did he pull it off the belt?

- [JACK] No.

- Oh, shit.

All right.

Daddy's bag must be here,

do you wanna come and borrow something of Daddy's?

- [JACK] No, I am going to eat with the guys right now.

They're trying to drag me out,

so I might go out with them.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] We're going to a strip club.

- Oh, please, don't.

- [JACK] I'm not gonna be doing this often.

- I don't believe it.

- All right, bye.

(bell rings)

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Do you have everything?

- Huh?

- Do you have your bags yet?

- No.

- Jack's suitcase was left at the airport.

- I know.

- And Sharon his friends said they had all the suitcases

on the vehicle.

I asked the friends and they said,

"Oh, we've got all our luggage."

- Well, if that was theirs,

then they wouldn't know about Jack's.

So who's gonna go back and get it?

- I'll go back and get it, you know?

But I mean, I said to everybody, you know,

make sure your luggage.

I didn't know what Jack's luggage looked like.

(bell rings)

(Sharon gasps)

- Melinda!

Oh, good, this is who we wanna see!

Now, this'll make Daddy smile.

Look, come on, smile now, look at this.

Hawaii. - Yes, we are.

- Were you good on the plane?

Were you good on that plane?

Yes.

Do you know any new jokes?

We're in need of somebody here.

- [MELINDA] What's the point?

No one would laugh.

Why is he in such a shit?

- He hated the flight, he doesn't want to be here.

I think I need a bottle of vodka.

(tropical music)

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Hi, sexy.

- [JACK] Oh, dude,

you're so getting a fucking restraining order, bro.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Where are you girls from?

- [BEACHGOER] I live in Washington.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Chocolate City.

- What up, Crack City?

- [BEACHGOER] Yeah.

- [JACK] Crickity Crack.

(mellow music)

- [OZZY] Fucking hell.

- Are you feeling happier than yesterday?

- Me?

- [SHARON] Mm-hmm.

- No!

On that fucking plane yesterday I was going nuts.

It's like sitting on a fucking cattle truck.

I'm so tired.

Can't you see it makes me tired?

(upbeat music)

- Hi.

- Hello.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Hey, how are you?

- How are you?

Mr. Jack, I haven't met you, my name is Alison, hi.

- Hi, Alison, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

- I hear you're interested in doing some activities

while you're here?

- Yes.

- Several.

- Several, okay.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Like the waitresses and-

- [ALISON] I have no jurisdiction over there.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] I wanna swim with the dolphin girls.

- You wanna swim with the dolphin girls.

- Well, if there's dolphins there too, that's fine.

- We just have interactions with the dolphins,

not with the girls.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] What about the concierge?

- Pardon me?

You can do ATV rides,

there's a shark cage dive on the North Shore.

Oh, god, that got his attention.

- Totally doing it.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Let's do it.

- Are there big sharks

or are they like little fucking minnow coming up?

- I haven't actually done it yet, so.

- Now I'm stoked.

I wanna do the shark dive bad.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] All right, last but not least,

where's the nearest brothel house?

- That's not one of my concierge duties.

- But the hookers do speak Japanese?

- So how if I get some more information

and let you know. - On that note.

- Are you gonna hang out here for a while?

- Yeah, we'll be here.

(upbeat music)

- [OZZY] Are we going down for some lunch?

- Where do you want to sit, here?

- [OZZY] Wherever you want, Sharon.

It's gonna be closer to the...

Go on.

- You say wherever you want,

then you start saying something.

- Go wherever you want, I don't give a flying shit.

- [SHARON] I can't sit here 'cause of the sun.

- Do you want to sit right over here?

Get out of the sun, sit down there.

- I know.

Ozzy, can we just sit somewhere without...

I was sat there in the shade, then you-

- I'm just saying, you wanted to...

Just sit there.

You don't wanna sit in the sun, so I'll move around.

- And anyway, I didn't want to sit at this restaurant,

I wanted to go to the other one.

- Okay, let's go to the other one.

I don't give a fuck.

We should call ourselves the fucking Nutter family.

- Well, I just followed you down here.

- Darling, I've been down here all fucking morning.

- I'm gonna sit here.

Nice, nice, nice.

- Are you happy now?

- Yes.

- I've worn out four pairs of fucking shoes

to find this table.

- What went on with the kids last night?

- Well, they went out to probably the stripper club.

- What?

- And brought those two strippers back.

- Oh my god!

- [ASSISTANT] I was just kind of curious

who footed the bill.

- What are we, the fucking Salvation Army or something?

It bothers me 'cause they're always fucking around.

They just haven't got any manners.

Freeloaders.

(theatrical music)

(tropical music)

(cellphone ringing)

- Hi.

- [OZZY] Hi, Jack.

- [JACK] I'm gonna go swim with the sharks, Dad.

- [OZZY] Fuck that.

Where?

- [JACK] In a cage.

- Sharks are smart, they can open locks.

- I'm fucking down for this,

you know I've always wanted to do this.

- Jack, you better get your ass in gear, buddy.

- Hello?

- Hello.

- We've got sharks to see.

(phone trilling)

- [OZZY] Hello?

- I didn't bring my key though.

- [JACK] I have a key.

- I'm sorry, Jack, I thought you guys were coming out.

I was waiting for you.

- Gosh, you look prettier than ever, you know that?

- Thank you.

- Oh, good morning.

- Good morning.

(phone beeping)

- Hello.

- They said something about servicing in the elevator.

- Hey, ladies, we're gonna have to handle you.

I'm giving free scuba lessons today.

In the pool at the Tokyo Mandarin.

I'll take my top off, baby!

Come on, I'll take my top off!

- Yeah, well, we won't.

- Aw!

They wanted me.

(Jack laughs)

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Just look at that.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Hi, sexies!

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Take off your top, take off your top!

(Jack laughs)

(upbeat music)

Whoa, dude!

- Try and keep your limbs inside,

but everything should be pretty good.

- Should be.

- Should be.

We haven't had any accidents yet.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Look at those fuckers,

there's three at least.

- There's six.

- [JACK'S FRIEND] There's six at least.

(tense music)

(upbeat music)

- [ASSISTANT] December 7, 1941.

- It's the day they all live in infinitely.

- Hey, you know what, sir, it's an honor to have you here.

- Pleased to see you.

- Oh, pleasure.

- My wife.

- Hi, how are you? - Ma'am, it's a pleasure.

The star herself.

- Thank you.

- Well, welcome to Battleship Missouri.

This is an admiral's hat,

and we don't sell these,

these are presented to dignitaries,

and President Bush was here a couple of months ago,

and we presented him with one,

and now we'd like to present you with one.

- Thank you very much.

(theatrical music)

- [TOUR GUIDE] She requires 77 men to operate gun turrets.

- There was this accident where one of the gun turrets-

- The Iowa.

- What drives this, diesel oil?

What are we on now, this is the 65, yeah?

Why are some names after states

and some named after presidents?

- Right, we're gonna move forward in this direction.

So it actually just fell in through the water.

- I was under the impression

that the whole ship was bombed.

- No, just the bomb that she was carrying,

they have many different ways of doing that in the ships.

- It was like the first cruise missile, wasn't it?

- [TOUR GUIDE] Yeah.

- I bet it would be getting really hot down there,

wouldn't it?

- Yeah, it would.

This is kind of the brains of the ship.

This is where they control all the weapons from.

- [OZZY] Yes, it's sort of how they say

that a chain is as strong as its weakest link.

- [TOUR GUIDE] Okay, well, this will be our last stop.

- Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

- Hey, thanks for everything.

I thought that was fucking great, so interesting.

I must have seen that ship on the History Channel 10,000-

- [TONY] I think I saw it on the Gulf though

when they first started.

Remember when they first start carrying?

- Yeah.

For some reason I was thinking of "Star Trek."

I don't know why, I was thinking of "Star Trek"

on one of them there.

There's a ship called The Enterprise, isn't there?

- Yeah.

- [TONY] Yes.

(theatrical music)

(tropical music)

- What do you fancy eating, Sharon?

- Tony's head of entertainment, ask Tony.

- [TONY] Entertainment officer.

- Yes!

All right, Tony, where are we going tonight?

- [TONY] I think it might be a bit much

to try and do the luau, wouldn't it?

- Well, we've gotta eat. - I mean, we've gotta eat,

so we might as well do it.

- [TONY] It would be a private luau.

- [OZZY] Such a great idea.

- [TONY] And it would be from six 'til eight.

They have to stop the music at eight o'clock.

- [OZZY] I am fucking starving.

(mellow music)

- Hi, how are you?

- Hi.

Aloha.

- Gorgeous, hi, how are you?

- Hi, I don't wanna mess up your hair.

Oh, there you go. - Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

- Hi.

(upbeat music)

(singers singing in foreign language)

- [GREETER] Aloha.

- Oh, aloha.

- What's the deal, Tony?

I'm sitting here like a fucking idiot.

Is everybody gonna sit down or just stand?

- It's a buffet.

- I know, am I gonna sit here eating on my own

or are all these people gonna sit down?

- You can start eating until they sit down, Oz.

- I'm not gonna start eating until everybody else,

'cause I'm gonna feel like a fucking idiot.

(tense music)

- It's the way that Jay is on

about bringing these girls in here.

They shouldn't be allowed in here.

We're already three people over.

They're strippers.

Jason, you know that this is Sharon's private party, right?

- I didn't invite them.

- No, but listen, as long as Sharon says it's okay,

they can come in here.

- Can we get a small table and set over...

Maybe for four?

- Mick, the two girls, you can bring them in,

but they've got to sit at this table here,

they're gonna set it up for four people.

- Okay.

- [TONY] The table will be ready in a couple of minutes.

Just go through the line.

- Go through the line here.

(upbeat music)

- You should see what I did to my friends.

I told the strippers,

I was like, "Yeah, come on down, guys!"

- So you ladies come here often?

(upbeat music)

(singers singing in foreign language)

- Think about it, a coconut shell's a perfect bra.

- It is, isn't it?

(intense music)

(crowd cheering)

- [ANNOUNCER] Aloha!

- This is the best show we have ever seen.

I really mean that.

- I appreciate it.

- The way you have them tattoos across there,

it must really hurt.

- Yeah.

- Is it the old traditional way with the bamboo?

- Yeah, it was nine days,

about five hours a day.

- [OZZY] Fucking hell.

- Of all the shows that we've seen, Jack,

it's the best. - That's the best show

I've ever seen.

- We've seen so many of them, they're so good.

- It's brilliant.

(acoustic music)

♪ My old lady left me that old box of tampons ♪

♪ And they're underneath the sink ♪

♪ I'm just trying to find a use for them ♪

♪ I said, it'll keep my nose from bleeding ♪

♪ It'll keep my sink from leaking ♪

♪ And when no one is around I'll just wear them in my ass ♪

(Jack's friend laughs)

(mellow music)

- Hello!

- Shh!

- [OZZY] Level with me,

how many seats has this plane got?

- It's got 15.

- And how many people are traveling?

- Nine.

- But if it's tight, I'm just gonna wait.

I don't like it.

- All right, what are we watching television for?

We've gotta go, come on.

- [TONY] We're having a bit of trouble

locating the two boys.

I'm going downstairs.

- Which boys?

- The tall guys.

- [SHARON] Oh, just fucking leave them.

Who cares?

- I totally agree with you.

I totally agree with you.

If they're not there,

we'll just get in the vans and go.

- [SHARON] We have to leave.

- If you can't find them, leave them.

- Couldn't give a fuck.

I'd give it two minutes, Tone.

Where's Jack?

- [TONY] Jack's downstairs.

- Right, we'll just go.

(tropical music)

- [OZZY] It looks like they've abandoned ship.

- Who?

- Twizzle and the gang.

I mean, they're not on the plane, are they?

- Does anyone know exactly when we're back in LA?

(theatrical music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Kelly's really not one

for making good decisions for herself.

- It looks good. (gentle music)

- [SHARON] She's what?

- [JACK] She got her lip pierced.

- No, you get that fucking thing out of her lip right now.

- [OZZY] Are you all right, Kelly?

- I'm gonna fall, Dad.

- [JACK] I still think she's on drugs.

- [SHARON] Honestly, Jack, it's not drugs.

She's really not good.

- You know denial isn't just a river in Egypt?

- Sharon, it's so fucking unbelievably bad.

Someone has to do something about it.

- [SHARON] Kelly!

Kelly!

Kelly!

(upbeat music)

♪ Hello ♪