Original subtitles

(upbeat gaming music)

- Turn that thing off.

Can you turn the sound off?

Fucking driving me mad.

Where is your man today?

- [KELLY] First of all, he is not my boyfriend,

and second of all, he's at home embarrassed.

- [FRIEND] Who, Rob?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- [FRIEND] Is he okay?

He feels like an asshole, which he should.

- You're a nice girl, but he's got

too much fucking tattoos on him.

Has he got a mom and dad?

- [KELLY] Well, dad,

I think that a mother and father

loves their child regardless of how they look.

- Yeah, but-

- If I was a mongoloid, would you

love me just as much as you love me now?

- No.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- [ROB] What time are we leaving?

- We can leave now, we need to get changed.

Are you looking for my Cyprus show shirt now?

- No.

I will find that shirt.

- You should look for daddy's shirt.

Daddy loves me more than you do.

(Rob humming)

Just wear that.

- No, I look an egg and I don't like it.

- You what?

Come on-

- Shut up!

- [ROB] You're being a fucking asshole now.

- Because I'm in a bad mood.

Fuck you!

Seriously, give up.

- Okay.

Bye.

- Are you kidding me right now?

- [ROB] No.

- If you fucking leave,

I will not talk to you again, and I'm not-

- [ROB] You don't talk to me anyways.

- Are you kidding?

- [ROB] What the fuck!

- [KELLY] I'm just trying to get dressed, that's it.

- [ROB] Well, don't be a fucking dick to me!

- [KELLY] I'm not!

God!

♪ We're just too young to be together ♪

♪ They say we could never last forever ♪

- [KELLY] What's wrong with you?

It's not worth it if you're gonna be mad at me.

I don't even give-

- [ROB] I'm mad at nobody.

- [KELLY] You're so pissed off right now.

It's not even worth it to me.

- How am I pissed off right now?

- [KELLY] Because you were like talking to me,

and now you're giving the silent treatment

and looking at me like I've just killed you.

What is your deal?

- (laughs) I'm just sitting here!

You're tripping out over nothing.

- [KELLY] Beat my ass, what is your deal?

(emotional music)

- [JACK] You hanging out with Rob again?

- Whenever I see him, I don't

know whether to hug him or cry.

And it's just like, it's so fucking hard.

- How about we keep it simple?

You just shake his hand.

- Have good trip.

- Oh, I won't see you.

- No.

- You're not going to Vegas?

- No.

- Why?

- I don't know.

My car would never make it to Vegas.

My car barely makes it to this house every day.

Alright.

Have a very good trip.

- And it's driving me nuts.

Like all he ever does is talk, and talk,

and talk, and talk and talk.

- No, I know.

You have too much drama in your life, Kel.

You need to just start cutting out

the people that create drama.

- I did!

- You really gotta get over that, Kel,

'cause you're starting to sound like Amy.

- Jackie, let me tell you something.

Coming from somebody that never in your life

have you ever had a long relationship

with anyone or ever been in love,

and you're not a girl, you don't understand-

- [JACK] Thank God.

- He makes me feel like insane,

like a fucking bitch, because I don't wanna marry him

and I don't wanna have kids with him yet.

- [FRIEND] You are fucking 19 years old-

- But he doesn't understand that.

And he says things to me that makes me

wanna fucking take a knife and slit my wrists.

- Then why in your mind are you second guessing yourself?

- As I say, you don't understand.

Coming from somebody that could never understand it,

you cannot judge and you cannot say that.

- Well, okay.

What does your heart tell you?

And what do you yourself want to think?

- It was never a question that I didn't love him,

because I totally did and I totally still do love him,

but I'm not in love with him,

because I can't be married to him

and I can't have kids with him.

I'm 19, I want to live my life.

I don't wanna do that.

And he makes me feel like I have to.

- God.

I pray on everything that is holy I never have a daughter.

(upbeat music)

- Yeah, your studio's looking really nice out there.

- [OZZY] Pardon?

- The studio's looking really nice.

- [OZZY] The studio is, isn't it?

- Yeah, this lamp is for it.

- For the studio?

- Yep, mhm.

- Wow, I never ordered that.

Who ordered that?

- [WORKER] Sharon ordered that, and we just,

when she's ready, gotta get a final elevation on it.

- [OZZY] Where are you gonna put it?

- [WORKER] In the little kitchen area?

- [OZZY] Oh God.

(comical music)

- That cannot go into my studio.

Nothing hanging goes in.

You could have none of this shit in it.

You can have them instead, then to suit.

That's what I had all the racks for, on the racks.

They wouldn't swing and rattle.

From now on, I don't want fucking

any shit put in an area of my concern.

- Feeling a little irritable today, huh?

- [OZZY] What?

- You feel a little irritable today, a little bad today?

- [OZZY] Yeah.

(melancholy music)

- [SHARON] Alright, so what's happening?

- What do you mean?

- In the land of Kelly?

- I met a very sweet boy.

- [SHARON] Oh no, not another one!

- [FRIEND] How old?

- [KELLY] 21.

- [SHARON] Is he in a band?

- [KELLY] No, he's just nice.

- [FRIEND] What about Rob?

- [SHARON] I love Rob.

- I love Rob.

- I love Rob.

- So?

- Just don't want to be his girlfriend, that's all.

- He won't wait forever.

- [KELLY] So?

- Someone nice will snap him up

and you'll regret it forever.

- [KELLY] I may very well do.

- [FRIEND] Why?

- [KELLY] Because I'm 19 years old!

I should be able to say, okay,

I wanna go out with you today,

and I wanna go out with you tomorrow.

I don't have to do that, I don't wanna do that.

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

- But that television in my room is a fucking absolute-

- We're getting rid of it.

- Please do, and get rid of the room with it's crap.

- I know, we're gonna resell,

I'm gonna have it all done as a cinema.

- No, you're not.

No, you're not.

Leave my room alone.

I don't want nothing ordered without my consent.

- Ozzy!

Don't be ridiculous.

Did you see the kids?

- [OZZY] Um...

I think I saw Jack briefly,

but you know he's buying himself,

he's getting himself a room at Vegas again?

- Uh-huh.

- Which is bad news.

- I think so.

- Because you know what they're gonna do all day?

- [PLAYER ONE] Bust, bust his ass!

But his ass!

- [PLAYER TWO] Oh, you are kidding me.

- It's gonna be Jack's Casino.

He's a gamble-a-holic.

So please talk to him.

Firm, Sharon,

not like "Jackie boy."

You've gotta talk to him, boo,

because I've tried talking to him,

but he takes no notice of me.

- [SHARON] Ozzy, do you think I need a nose job?

- What?

No.

Why do you ask me these stupid questions?

'Cause you have already made your fucking mind up,

and you're gonna come home looking like Michael.

- No, 'cause you know as you get older,

your ears grow and your nose-

- Sharon, Sharon,

we all get older, don't we?

- My nose is getting bigger.

- You know, we all get old.

Please don't have your nose job done.

A nose job.

It's fine, 'cause they'll fuck it up.

You'll then look like fucking Pinocchio.

(upbeat music)

(jazz music)

- [JACK] Vegas, baby!

Vegas!

- [KELLY] Can I go to San Diego?

- No.

- [KELLY] Why?

- It's two and a half hours drive to San Diego.

- Mum, in the morning!

- At night?

Oh, that's insane.

The traffic-

- You're fucking mad.

- Oh my God, the traffic will be a nightmare.

- [KELLY] Why can't I go?

I'd leave then and come back same day.

Can I go?

- No.

- [KELLY] Dad, I'm almost 20 years old.

I was actually just gonna tell you I was going,

but I was giving you the opportunity to say yes.

- Why did you tell us then?

If the answer's no, you're still gonna fucking go anyway.

- What's wrong with you?

Why have you been so angry with me today?

- I'm not being angry.

- [KELLY] Well, you've been really short with me today.

I haven't done anything to you.

- Hey, Kelly.

Don't come that one with me, I'm being-

- [KELLY] What is your deal?

Don't talk to me like that!

- Oh, man!

(tense music)

(door slamming)

"What is your deal."

"Hey man, what is your deal?"

So she's going?

- [SHARON] I think so, baby.

Yeah.

- "What is your deal."

(mellow music)

- Yeah, Dad really kind of hurt my feelings.

I don't like it when he talks to me like that,

because you know when you back, he steps up to something,

and then he realizes that he can either say sorry or...

- [SHARON] He was teasing.

- Yeah?

- [SHARON] He didn't mean it, honest.

- Hello, how's it going?

Promise me you won't go too fast in that car, will you?

- [KELLY] No.

- [OZZY] And make sure it's got plenty of gas in.

- [KELLY] Of course.

- [OZZY] And don't pick up any of hitchhikers.

Do you know where you gotta go?

- [KELLY] Pardon?

Yeah, it's one street basically the whole way there.

- [SHARON] It's cold in San Diego, Kelly.

- [KELLY] No, I know.

I'm taking a jacket with me.

- [OZZY] And don't go near the border.

Have you got a warm coat?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- [SHARON] Have you got your credit card?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- [SHARON] Is it working now?

- [OZZY] Who's this guy, Kels?

- [KELLY] There's Johnson.

That's my boyfriend, Dad.

- Do you want me to close this window for you?

- Yeah, I hate that window being open.

- [OZZY] Be careful, that's the main thing,

Kelly, please.

- Of course.

- Give me a kiss.

- [SHARON] Put your seat belts on, gimme those drinks.

- No, I'm taking those with me-

- Give me the clicker for Malibu,

and I'll just take my key to Malibu from there.

- Make sure you've got plenty of gas!

Check the gas, Kelly!

- [KELLY] I will, Dad.

- [SHARON] Alright, bye guys.

Have fun.

- I love you both!

- [SHARON] Say bye to Daddy.

- [KELLY] I love you!

- [SHARON] Bye daddy!

- Bye.

- [KELLY] I love you dad.

- Okay, bye.

(mellow music)

Who ordered them?

- [TONY] Ordered them?

You did, for the studio?

- I never ordered them.

- That's the seat.

Sharon went through that with Jason, with Jonathan.

- Hey!

I thought I said before anything,

this is my studio and I want

nothing ordered without my consent.

Okay?

- [TONY] That was ordered about six months ago.

- But by whom?

Not by me.

- By Sharon.

- But Sharon's got fuck all to do with this.

- Alright.

- You know, from now on nothing gets ordered.

I don't want fucking any shit put in an area of my concern,

because I'm going to end up looking like a,

this fucking door, man.

(comical music)

You never order things for my studio.

- What did I order for your studio?

- [OZZY] Well, there's black seats in

the studio which I never ordered-

- What thing?

- [OZZY] The black seats in the studio,

which I never ordered.

And I just said to Tony, where did they come from?

He says, "Sharon ordered them six months ago."

- Padded cushions for the bench?

Yeah, it's just cushions to sit on the bench?

- [OZZY] I asked from day one-

- I'm sorry, Ozzy.

I'm sorry.

I won't do anything, I'm sorry.

- [OZZY] Please, that's what I'm asking.

- Okay.

(classical music)

What is it with you?

What do you want?

- Nothing.

What is it, why are you so uptight?

Baby, come on.

- Okay.

- [SHARON] Don't be so uptight, there's no problem.

- Okay.

- [SHARON] Everything I say, it's like I...

- Okay, forget about it.

- [SHARON] Just be nice.

- I'm always nice to you.

Mainly always nice.

- [SHARON] Ish.

- My watch, thank you so much for this watch.

- [SHARON] Happy Valentine's.

- What do you want for your Valentine's then?

- You to be nice to me, that's all.

I don't want to argue-

- Well, wait till tonight.

(upbeat music)

(lighthearted music)

- You missed the whole story about San Diego, Tony.

Leaves the house at one in the morning,

and then the phone rings and this

guy goes, has Kelly left yet?

I'm like, who are you?

"Tony."

I'm like, where are you?

"Vegas, she's meant to be in Vegas."

- [TONY] You're kidding.

- No.

- [FRIEND] She's such a bastard.

- [TONY] That's so naughty though, isn't it?

To do that?

- No, but then I called her back.

- You wouldn't have let her go

to Vegas though, if you'd have known?

- Never.

Never.

Not to drive to Vegas.

She goes, "It's only three hours."

I said, have they moved it nearer and I didn't know?

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- [KELLY] Happy Valentine's Day!

- Let me get the card first.

- Okay.

(Kelly laughing)

(Kelly laughing)

(sensual music)

♪ Maybe baby ♪

♪ If you let me love you ♪

♪ You may find ♪

- Breakfast, darling.

It's fruit and some-

- Thank you so much.

Come on, get into bed.

(Ozzy sighing)

- Thank you.

- [MAID] You got it?

- Yeah.

- [MAID] Alright, you enjoy.

- Thank you so much.

Thank you, boo.

I really want Jack to meet someone this year.

- Don't be in so much of a hurry.

It'll happen when it happens.

- I didn't say they should get married,

but I want Jack to meet somebody.

- He meets lots of people.

- We're in 1167.

- What?

- We're in room 1167.

- Are they gonna let me up?

- Yeah, they will.

Let's just me and you later, in private.

You know the deal, right?

The drunker you get, the cuter I look.

- I know, you said that yesterday.

It takes a lot to make you happy.

- It fucking does, but I think you can make me happy!

♪ This how you do it where I'm from ♪

♪ Working in the club until I see the sun shine ♪

- I don't mean like that.

Like an acquaintance, a friend,

a girlfriend.

If you could call Renee Zellweger.

- Who the fuck's Renee Zellweger?

- I think that Kelly needs an older man.

Somebody that's a lot older.

- Do you know what I think Kelly should get?

Kelly should get somebody that Kelly wants.

(emotional music)

♪ Fairytales can come true ♪

♪ It can happen to you ♪

♪ If you're young at heart ♪

♪ For it's hard, you will find ♪

♪ To be narrow of mind ♪

♪ If you're young at heart ♪

♪ You can go to extremes with impossible schemes ♪

♪ You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams ♪

♪ And life gets more exciting with each passing day ♪

♪ And love is either in your heart or on its way ♪

♪ Don't you know that it's worth ♪

♪ Every treasure on earth ♪

♪ To be young at heart ♪

♪ For as rich as you are ♪

♪ It's much better by far ♪

♪ To be young at heart ♪

♪ And if you should survive to 105 ♪

♪ Look at all you'll derive out of being alive ♪

♪ And here is the best part ♪

♪ You have a head start ♪

♪ If you are among the very young at heart ♪

(kelly cheering)

- I think one of the most romantic things

was when we were living in Hampstead,

and you knew I was really angry with you,

and you came back in a taxi with a 10 foot

painting roped around the roof of the taxi.

- Of what?

- The bint, the six foot bint.

- That was my fucking painting for me!

- Yeah, but it was just a romantic thing.

You gave it to me.

- No, I didn't,

it was for me.

- It was for me.

- No, no,

no, no.

I bought that fucking painting for me.

Fuck buying a painting for you.

Do you have any regrets?

- Yeah.

- What?

- That we didn't get married sooner.

I often think if I had it to do all over again,

would I have done the same things?

And I...

I probably wouldn't.

But I...

- But if you hadn't have gone the way you went,

you wouldn't have probably met me.

- I know, that's why you can't change things.

But to say I have no regrets, I have a million regrets.

- I mean, we all do.

Thank you for the years.

(Sharon giggling)

- They're not over yet.

- Oh yeah, they fucking are.

(Sharon and Ozzy laughing)

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next season on "The Osbournes."

- Yes, let's go on holiday quicker!

- Where are you gonna go?

- I want to go to Hawaii.

- Aloha.

- Aloha.

- I'm gonna go swimming with sharks down in the cage.

- [OZZY] Where?

(upbeat drumming music)

- Do you like it?

- [SHARON] Why?

(dog barking)

(horn honking)

- [OZZY] You alright, Kelly?

- [KELLY] I'm fine, dad.

- [OZZY] Nobody's given you any pills or anything?

- [SHARON] Kelly's just gone into rehab.

(tense music)

(lighthearted music)

- "What is your deal?"