Original subtitles

(orchestral music)

- I had this dress on...

I had this dress on,

and every time I spoke I kept talking

with my hands except for it's like a pencil baby doll dress.

So if I lifted up my arms, the whole thing would lift up.

So when my arms were down, it was like just above my knees.

But if I lifted up my arms, it was like vagina.

So, I had to stand there like this the whole time.

It was horrible. - Can we just drop it, please?

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ But maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(orchestral music)

- What is this stuff?

- That's a gift from for your dad--

- I think it's a fucking gravestone.

- Shush, don't say that.

- It looks like a gravestone, isn't it?

- [Kelly] It doesn't.

- What the fuck is this?

Weird!

- It's a little water fountain.

- Kelly.

(woman laughing)

- [Friend 1] Still a dad. (laughing)

- I have my granny 900 underwear on.

And the fact that they showed this much kills him.

- But I'm your dad.

I don't have some big fucker to go in--

- Dad, why did you constantly think that

I walk around the big son in my head, that says,

please fucking rape me right now?

- Darling, darling.

You drive me fucking nuts.

(big band music)

Oh, you are the fucking bully, you are.

You know what, Sharon?

He's not a bulldog.

He's a bulldog crossed with a pit bull.

- Alright, Mikey, I love you, love you.

I love you.

Alright, bye.

(phone clatters)

(Ozzy sighing) (television chattering)

(phone ringing)

(Ozzy mumbling)

- Hello?

- Oh, oh! (dog whining)

You bastard.

You little shit! - I told you about him!

You're fucking mad!

Oh my God.

Poor baby. - Darling, you don't

listen to me. - His back's wet!

- That dog will kill one of the other dogs, I'm telling you.

- Don't die, Martin, don't die.

- Take my advice.

Get rid of the dog now.

He's got pit bull in him.

- He's not a pit bull.

- I didn't say he was a pit bull.

- Why are you shouting at me?

- I'm not, I'm--

- You're shouting. - I'm sorry.

(rock music)

♪ I've got a day without night ♪

♪ Putting out my finger ♪

♪ If I don't squeeze tight ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop, chop ♪

You're bad news, you are.

- No, he's not.

He's too dumb.

- I gotta go soon.

- Why? - The dog gets treated

better than me.

- [Sharon] Shut up, Ozzy.

You are such a drama queen. - See, see!

"Shut up with it, you're such a man."

- I didn't say, I...

All right.

Be quiet, my darling.

You are such a drama queen.

(big band music)

- Going out?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, don't think you should cover up a little bit more.

- But Dad, what do you think

I hang out on the fucking corner

of like Hollywood and Vine or something?

- Okay, okay.

I'm just telling you as your father who loves you.

(big band music continues)

- That's my babies.

Hi!

Hi.

- Colin and Peggy Sue were picking on her pretty bad.

- With who?

- With Lola.

- Colin and Peggy Sue?

They were fighting last night.

- Yeah, so...

- I don't know what it is.

- I don't know either.

They like grabbing her lip for one--

- Yeah, I know. - And just really

yanking on him. - They were really,

really beating her up last night.

- Yeah.

He had a lot of time outs yesterday.

Colin did.

- Oh, Lolly, are they picking on you?

- She's so sweet! - That dog's gotta go

cause he's vicious.

(dramatic music)

(dog barking)

(toy squeaking)

(water splashing) (dogs barking)

(dramatic music continues) (dogs growling)

(dog barking)

(crickets chirping)

- Do you know that Peggy Sue

and Colin are ganging up on Lollipop?

- I think they're jealous.

- 'Cause of her beauty. - Mm-hmm.

I am the bulldog king. (television chattering)

- [Sharon] Colin!

He's always got his head away from you.

- [Jack] He likes looking at his reflection in the window.

(Jack whistling)

- He doesn't even respond when I shout his name at him.

- Colin! (hands clapping)

Colin!

- Think he might be deaf?

- Yes, you're right.

- Jack, he probably is. - That's what it is.

(hands clapping) (television chattering)

- Maybe he's partly deaf.

(upbeat music)

- Eight broken ribs, a broken neck.

I've gotta wear this fucking collar.

Broken neck, these dogs...

Karate chop, Bruce Lee...

Alright Richard, thanks for calling.

Alright, bye.

- Who was that?

- Okay, okay.

I really would wear something more appropriate.

- I'm going out.

- Kelly, kelly-- - I'm leaving!

- I'm trying to be a father to you.

(big band music)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I want a girl with the mind like a diamond ♪

- I don't know what to wear!

♪ Who knows what's best ♪

♪ I want a girl with shoes that cut ♪

♪ And eyes that burn like cigarettes ♪

(people chattering)

I can't bend down to get the dogs mask thing out.

♪ I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket ♪

(door shutting) (upbeat music continues)

(phone ringing)

- Hello? - Mommy.

- Hi, darling.

- Listen, you gotta have a talk to Kelly for me.

- Go on.

- Because it's unacceptable that she walks around LA

with her knockers hanging out.

- Exactly right.

- It's fucking ridiculous.

- Okay, I'll talk to Kelly.

- Why don't you just buy a pair of drawers

and let her walk around?

(orchestral music)

- Love it!

I can't believe you made me this!

- It's so...

- What's wrong?

- You know what would be so good,

if you zipped it up to the fucking...

Kelly, zip it up.

The zip goes to...

- [Kelly] That's how far it goes.

- No, zip it up a bit more.

Please, Kelly. - It's not supposed to be.

(big band music)

- I want to get rid of Colin, sir.

I wanna to find him good home.

You can have him.

- Okay, thank you.

- He's a one man dog

who wants one owner and he didn't like being

in a fucking bunch.

The first time I've ever heard him make any dog noises.

(mimics growling)

And Bulldogs are like that.

I had one years ago,

and he just loved me.

And he would sulk if I went on tour for like three months,

he would just sulk.

But you can take him tonight.

- I have tell my wife now.

(rock music)

♪ When you smile at me, I can see again ♪

♪ All the love that we share ♪

♪ And it's all I'm living for, every day ♪

- You're a fat man.

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Every day is sunshine ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪

(orchestral music)

- So you're okay with this?

- Me? - Oh yeah.

- I'm fine. - Okay so where'd he go?

- He's here somewhere.

- Hiding under the table.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah he is.

He's under your feet.

Here, Colin.

Colin, come here.

He already peed on the ground so I don't have

to worry about him peeing in the car.

Come here.

Ready?

God, you weigh a ton.

- [Ozzy] He's heavy, isn't he?

- Yeah, he is.

Thank you, Ozzy. - You're welcome.

- I'll see you in the morning, okay?

- I hope.

(man laughing)

- Well, you're definitely not a lap dog.

(jazz music)

Not on my side.

No.

Colin.

(jazz music continues)

Stay there.

(door shutting)

I don't want you to trash my car.

(orchestral music)

- Good morning.

- Hello, Jack.

How was your meeting last night?

- Really, really, really good.

- Better than the one night before?

- Yeah.

- This morning I woke up and I had a fucking headache

like I've never had in my life before.

You know?

And by the way, I'm giving Colin away.

- No! - I am.

- Dad, please don't. - I already have.

- You already have? - Yeah.

- Oh, for fucks sake.

- It's my dog.

- So fucking what?

It's our house.

(rock music)

Fucking bullshit.

- What did he say?

- My fucking dog.

Ain't his fucking dog.

- Where is daddy?

Downstairs?

- [Jack] Painting.

(heavy metal music)

- Your breath smells so bad, Maggie.

(Ozzy mumbling)

- I'm giving the dog back.

- [Sharon] I ain't having nothing to do--

- Well, help me Sharon, because I can't do a fucking thing.

- Well then, Jack's got to spend more time with him.

Then Jack's got to spend more time.

- Will you talk to him?

Because I'm getting pretty pissed off.

I've been bullocked.

I can't do a fucking thing right!

- [Sharon] Nobody bullocks you.

- Sharon, you should have been down in the kitchen.

It's our home, my home!

Fucking hell, Sharon.

Everybody's jumping up my ass this week!

I don't really like it.

- Nobody's jumping up your ass.

- Yes, they are!

Maybe I have gone mad, but it appears to me

that I can't do a fucking thing right.

- That's not true, daddy.

That's not true.

But what is true, is that your breath smells of brie.

- Jack. - Yeah?

- Do we have a problem?

- Hmm?

- Do we have a problem?

- [Jack] What do you mean?

- Pardon? - What do you mean by that?

- What I'm saying, are you pissed off with me?

- I'm a little. - Oh, about what?

- About a lot of things.

- For instance?

The dog?

- The dog's one of the things I'm a little upset about.

- When Colin goes in, fucking Peggy Sue joins in

and poor old Lola's confused!

That's why I gave him away.

He is a male dog and there's two females.

It really isn't fair to me when there's a problem.

It's not fair to say you got a problem,

and you don't wanna talk about it.

Because it is really not fair.

But if you want to keep him, you're gonna keep him.

So think about it.

- Okay.

(orchestral music)

Going out?

Kelly, you going out?

- Yeah. - I really would

wear something more appropriate,

'cause there are a lot of fucking weird people around.

Kelly, I'm just telling you.

- Want me to wear a nun outfit?

Would that make you feel better?

- I'm not being rude.

I'm just trying to be a father to you.

- Oh, okay.

I really don't need that.

I'm giving it back to you

when I get home. - That is ridiculous

though what you're wearing.

- I'm leaving dad because I really,

really cannot take this right now.

I just can't, I cannot.

If you don't have anything nice to say to me--

- Darling, I'm saying something nice

because you look like a fucking trollop walking around.

(Kelly speaking inaudibly)

(orchestral music)

I fucking wish I hadn't have come outta that fucking coma.

(big band music)

- Oh Daddy, don't miserable.

Do you want to go to a movie?

- No. - Let's go to a movie.

- No. - Okay.

- You go.

- Yeah, I'll go by myself.

Now, why are you huffy?

What's the matter?

- Me? - Yeah, you are.

You're huffy, what's up?

Don't be upset.

You're upset about Colin.

Do you know something? - No.

- We'll never, ever have this time again on this day again.

This is it, you'll never get it back.

(gentle rock music)

- [Kelly] Did, will you come see a movie with me tomorrow?

- No.

- Please!

- Well don't think you should cover up a little bit more?

(upbeat music)

- I feel like a Texas slut!

- Kelly!

- Yeah? - Mommy's going.

- Sarah's called for you twice.

- I know, I just put on phone with her.

- All right.

Where are you going?

- Mine's birthday. - Oh yeah.

I love that dress.

That's really pretty.

Turn around.

That's a lovely dress, Kelly.

- I love you.

- It looks very appropriate because it covers your breasts.

- You gave them to me.

It's not as if I can help it.

♪ Those school girl days ♪

♪ Of telling tales and biting nails, are gone ♪

♪ But how do you thank someone ♪

♪ Who has taken you from crayons to perfume ♪

♪ It isn't easy but I'm trying ♪

- Kelly, I love you.

♪ If you wanted the moon, I would try to make a start ♪

♪ But I would rather you let me give my heart ♪

♪ To say with love ♪

- Gimme a hug.

I love you.

(upbeat music)

- Hello? - Hi, darling.

Were you at the house?

Because I didn't see you.

'Cause I was like, you didn't come and say hi.

- Did you have a talk to Kelly for me?

- Yeah, she's fine.

She's a good girl.

- Fucking great.

- So did you make up with Jack?

- Oh, we needed to have a chat.

He's a very sensible kid.

- Okay.

All right, love you. - Bye-bye.

(gentle rock music)

Jack?

Here you go.

- [Jack] What's this?

- Breakfast in bed.

- That's awesome.

Thanks, dad.

- [Ozzy] I love you!

- I love you too.

(Jack laughing)

(Latin music)

- Yeah.

(Latin music continues)

Hi, daddy!

Have you spoken to Jackie boy today?

- Yeah.

I want to buy a another bulldog.

(big band music)

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Really want Jack to meet someone this year.

- He meets lots of people.

- It's Valentine's Day.

It's like the time of love and passion.

- Kelly should get somebody that Kelly wants.

- Kelly loves me more than you do.

- Fuck you!

- Bye.

- Are you kidding me right now?

Are you kidding?

- No, I just want them to get married so we can

have a bit of peace and quiet around there.

- Happy Valentine's.

- I can't wait 'til tonight!

(playful music)