Original subtitles

(rain drips)

(ominous music)

- [OZZY] Jack, do you know what the-

- Oh, this movie's good?

It's gory as fuck.

- Oh.

(ominous music continues)

No!

No!

No, don't, don't.

Turn this fucking thing off, man.

(Jack laughs)

(television beeps)

- You don't really want me to turn it off, do you?

- Yes, I do.

- It's a good film. - 'Cause it's (indistinct).

- The guy gets his head smashed in by a ladder.

- Put it back on again

(television beeps)

(ominous music)

No!

No!

(lively jazz music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(lively music)

- I can't exercise.

I'm getting fast.

I'm fucking pissed off of having this fucking thing on.

(phone rings)

- [SHARON] Hello?

- [OZZY] So, Sharon, tell me.

- [SHARON] Just wanna know what I'm reading out.

Could you send it over now?

- Hi, dad. - Thanks, Mike.

- How you doing? - Bye.

(phone clicks)

- So tell me how long, how many seconds

I will see you this weekend.

- Darling. - Well, not being rude.

I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm just saying.

So when you say something to me,

it means your clock must be different to mine

because I say, "How long you gonna be?"

- I know, Ozzy, I know. - And it's fucking out past 12

you're coming. (phone rings)

- [SHARON] Hello?

Hello, how are you?

All right, how are you?

(upbeat music)

- (laughs) You and Kelly are from the same school.

Stop it.

Give me a kiss.

- No. - Why?

(dogs bark)

- I don't agree with what you're doing.

I don't agree with what you're doing.

- Stop it.

- I think you're fucking (indistinct).

- Stop it.

- No, you stop it. - I love you, Daddy.

Look at my jumper.

It's been eaten by fucking moths.

No, Minnie, Minnie Mouse,

you stay in here. - Minnie, stay there.

Good girl.

- I love you, Daddy.

(door clicks)

(relaxed music)

(rag squeaks)

My poor husband is not doing good.

- What's wrong? - Well, he slept

from I'd say 10 o'clock last night 'til this morning.

That's why his coping mechanisms aren't good.

That's exactly why it is.

(relaxed music concludes)

- Been in an auto Accident?

Feel like your insurance company is using you

for target practice?

Call attorney Larry H. Parker now.

When it comes to the law, we don't play around.

Don't sit around waiting for something

to happen on your case.

Call the law offices of Larry H. Parker

and get back on your feet in no time.

We're number one, and we'll fight for you.

- Get all you can.

- I rented a copy of "Schindler's List."

We gonna watch it?

Apparently on the DVD version,

there's 20 minutes of graphic stuff

that they wouldn't let him put on the movie

because it was too graphic.

You wanna watch it?

- Well, I'd like to see it, sure.

(melancholic music)

- What's that?

- You want us to go down and get you a pillow today?

Tony or I could go down and and get one

so you could sleep.

- Well, there's no way I can sleep with this on

It's like putting my head in a fucking pressure cooker.

- [SAM] You'd have to sleep on your back all night too.

- I can't.

It's impractical.

It's the most uncomfortable fucking thing.

- And if you keep wearing that thing,

you're gonna look like Jerry Lewis.

- Oh yeah.

My neck gets fucking...

It's like chapped.

(characters chatter)

(gun pops)

(upbeat rock music)

(tattoo machine buzzes)

- [JACK] You wanna come to the men's meeting tonight?

- No thank you.

I can't wait to start working out here.

I'm getting so fucking fat.

- (chuckles) You sound like a woman.

- I just don't like being overweight.

I got a wardrobe full of fucking clothes

that I can't wear, and I don't sound like a woman.

That's very rude.

I am one.

- You wanna come to a gun range with me soon?

- No, no, I don't want- - One to shoot rifles

or just handguns? - Anything.

- You could shoot a rifle

because it goes on the other side,

but that arm there,

you don't wanna lift it up too high

until the physical therapist- - No, no, I want a pistol.

Did you get a tattoo?

- Uh uh. - You did?

- Mhm. - Have a look.

I told you you'd ruin yourself.

- Yeah well, one addiction transfers to the other.

- [OZZY] It's better than this fucking thing around my neck.

(bright music)

- What about her?

And I'm nursing.

- Yeah, but yours are still bigger.

- No, they're not.

They're lower.

- They're bigger.

Yeah.

- Did you know as guys get older,

they get breasts.

- Really? - But not knockers.

- (laughs) Something to look forward to.

- I had mine sucked out.

- Shut up.

- No, he probably did. - I swear to God

I had mine liposuctioned out.

(lively jazz music)

(relaxed music) (birds sing)

But what I gotta start doing?

I said I've gotta start getting outta the house more

'cause, you know, I'll work out.

I'll lose weight.

I'll look good.

Nobody ever sees me 'cause I'm stuck in the fucking house.

I suffer a bit from agoraphobia.

You know, I don't like being around a lot of people

in close proximity.

That's why we call it rock and roll, Sam. (chuckles)

(upbeat tone)

Anything else?

- Eggs. - No, egg whites.

- Okay. - Write that down

because I'll fucking forget.

How do you spell potato?

- P-A-T-E-O.

- No, no potato, P-A-T-T-O.

We need potato.

Anything else?

Bananas, fruit, fucking ice paper.

(indistinct) Condoms.

(paper tears)

- Love you, dadders. - Uh huh.

("Eleanor Rigby" begins)

She wants some lemon.

She wants some lemons.

- There we go.

- Want some sharp cheddar? - No.

("Eleanor Rigby" continues)

Want some (indistinct) and raspberries.

- Too many in 'cause the bag will rip.

- Then put the bag in another bag then.

- I just think another bag would be easier.

- No. - No?

- No.

And I want washing-up liquid.

washing-up liquid.

She means that.

That Palmolive she means. - For dishwasher?

- Well, it's washing-up liquid.

I presume that's to wash-

- That's it, you see?

- What's that? - That's for dishwashers.

This is washing-up for going in the...

- [OZZY] What's that?

- [TONY] That's for putting the dishwasher.

- [OZZY] What's that?

- [TONY] That's for hand washing dishes.

- Oh, she wants washing-up liquid, I know.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What would you recommend

as being the best washing-up liquid?

The best one you have?

(employee chatters)

("Eleanor Rigby" continues)

He's off.

Where's he going, is he going around?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The best washing-up liquid I want.

Where's he going?

Is he going around there? - He kept going.

He's over here.

Oz, he's right here.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't stand going shopping.

I'd rather fucking cut my arm off.

♪ These are all the lonely people ♪

♪ Where do they all come from ♪

♪ All the lonely people ♪

♪ Where do they all belong ♪

♪ Father McKenzie ♪

(Ozzy hums)

♪ All the lonely people ♪

♪ Where do they all come from ♪

♪ All the lonely people ♪

(Ozzy hums)

(upbeat rock music)

- We're going to the gun range in a couple weeks.

- You are? - Yeah.

- Where? - I don't know.

I said to Dad about it last night.

He said we should go.

I wanna go to an outdoor one

because you get like rifles there.

Fucking hand cannon.

- All right, you ready? - Mhm.

- This is my face.

This is the pad, okay?

(Jack breathes heavily) Two, three, four, five, six.

(tank bubbles)

- You don't have any fish in there?

- They're all did.

- (laughs) So you have a tank and no fish?

There was a fish in there yesterday.

Maybe you should go with Kelly and buy some fish today

and some decor. - What's the point now?

She won't wanna go.

I mean, Sharon said to me,

"Can't you do anything with her?"

I said, "Well, yeah, I sat down with her last night

and we drew, we did some painting."

But there's not a whole lot

you could do with your daughter.

You can't talk....

I mean, I don't drive.

(bright tone)

- You know, if you could kind of support your dad,

he'd be happy if you went with him and Jack

to go shooting Tuesday morning.

- I would go, but me with a gun ain't cute.

I don't think.

I wouldn't know what to do with a gun.

Why does he want to go shooting though?

- I don't know.

He really wants to find a hobby,

something to keep him busy.

(dramatic classical music)

And he just doesn't know what that is.

- [KELLY] The last thing I want him to do

is have a fucking gun (indistinct).

- No, he ain't gonna have a gun, believe me.

- I will move out of this house

if there's a gun in this house, and I...

- But he just wants something to do to keep him busy,

and he needs to get outta the house.

- [RON] Call now and order your six star plus knife set,

and you'll receive not five, not 10, not 20,

but 24 razor sharp stainless steel knives.

(Ron whooshes) (upbeat music)

Order during the promotion,

and you'll get the $30 solid flavor injector free

plus, the giant showtime scissors package

that I know you'll enjoy.

Do call now.

This was a pay program from Ronco.

(relaxed jazz music)

♪ On Lonely Street, ain't no sign of love ♪

♪ She left me on the corner of Heartache and Lonely Street ♪

- So tell me how long, how many seconds

I will see you this weekend.

How many more shows you have to do?

- Six a week.

- 6, 12.

24 shows a month?

♪ On Lonely Street, ain't no sign of love ♪

♪ She left me on the corner of Heartache and Lonely Street ♪

♪ Out here on the corner of Heartache and Lonely Street ♪

♪ Lonely Street ♪

- Oh, could I have Mrs. Sharon Osbourne's room, please?

My wife.

(gentle music)

When you coming home?

Well, why don't you take one of your watches?

It's 10 to 11.

So you're not...

When you coming home,

or do I have to start looking for a new mistress?

Are you ever gonna come and be a husband to me?

I mean a wife.

(upbeat jazz music)

(relaxed music)

- [SAM] You go with us, shoot bow and arrow.

- Is that really a fucking bow

and arrow in that bag right there?

- It's a modern day bow and arrow.

- I have a question. - Yeah?

- Is Dad going shooting with you?

- [SAM] We hope.

We'll see when he gets up.

- He was complaining about his arm last night,

saying he didn't want to damage his arm.

- [OZZY] Here, Kel, put your seatbelt on.

- Ozzy, you've got no shoes on,

and you've got an infection.

- Will you do me a favor? - What?

- No, talking to him.

Will you do me a favor?

Make sure when my wife's in the car,

you insist she wears her seatbelt.

- What you doing?

- Man, make sure to wear seatbelt, please.

- I'll go real, real slow, Oz.

- Yeah, but I want seat belts on 'em.

- Okay.

- But Mommy.

- Yeah? - You ain't kissed me yet.

(relaxed music)

- I love you, Daddy.

- All right, give me kisses, girls.

- Come see Daddy!

Minnie bit the doctor.

Minnie bit the doctor.

- See you later.

Have fun.

(relaxed music concludes) (door clicks)

- [TONY] Right, there's the colors there.

Look, you see?

Watch, that's the blue. - The one (indistinct)

- There's the blue color. - Isn't it a soft top?

- [TONY] No, a hard top.

See that's the- - I don't like it

'cause it's a two door. - That's the blue.

But it's for Sharon, you know?

- Tone, do you think I'm a total dim?

It ain't for me.

It ain't for you.

It ain't for Kelly.

Who the fuck is it for? - Well, I also sort of thought

that you were gonna be...

Oh yeah, that's that color there.

Right, that's dark sapphire.

And you've got the red.

- I love the red - And you got-

- I love the red. - That's this color.

- [OZZY] I know, but, Tone, you know, and I'm a dim.

- No, I never said that. - What color is that,

and what color's that?

- [TONY] Yeah, but it see how it looks a little bit...

See that?

See how that looks different to this color?

- Because that's a disc in my house,

and that's a fucking car with lights on.

- It's misleading on the computer, the color,

so it's kind of-

- Well, why are we looking at the computer then?

- Just to give you an idea. - It's red.

Red's fucking red.

You think I'm a fucking idiot, you do.

- I do not.

She would like this color right, with, this hide,

that one there.

See?

- Well, Tony, you know, if she wants it, she will have.

- [TONY] She did ask me to ask you, though,

what color you like?

- Tony, Tony, I mean, Tony,

I mean, if I say...

You know.

You've been with me a lot of years.

If I say that's great, she loves something else.

She's a woman.

But I'm not a woman.

I'm a man.

(upbeat disco music)

And before you get going,

I gotta put my neck brace on because...

(upbeat disco music continues)

(gun fires)

(all chatter)

(casing dings)

- [INSTRUCTOR] Actually you're an extremely good shot.

Head shots are extremely difficult to do,

and you hit every one of 'em.

- How about this? - Oh my God.

- Jack, when I used to shoot,

you gotta (indistinct) and lean into it.

- Okay.

- [OZZY] You have to shoot with both eyes open.

- All right.

Firing.

Oh, safety's on.

Oh shit.

- You wanna go shoot the computer now?

- Sure.

That seems like it'll be fun.

- [VOICEOVER] You are part of a group of policemen

responding to a crisis.

You'll encounter several different crimes in progress.

Be sure to begin each scenario with your weapons drawn.

- Look, man, why are you hassling me?

I'm not doing anything.

Said back off, man.

Fuzz.

You got a problem, fuzz boy?

Come on. - Hey!

Get back. - Want some of this?

You want some, well, take it!

(guns fire)

- Drop your weapon!

(guns fire)

(upbeat music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Call the offices of Larry H. Parker

and get back on your feet in no time.

- I had no medical insurance,

but my attorney saw to it

that I got good medical treatment.

- Hello, this is Ozzy here.

I just wanted to ask one question

to the doctor without Sharon.

The question is, do I have to wear this neck brace

all the time still?

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

(compelling music)

(lively music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- [OZZY] I really would wear something more appropriate.

- Dad.

- I'm just trying to be a father to you.

That is ridiculous what you're wearing.

I really would wear something more appropriate, please.

- I'm going out.

- Kelly. - I'm leaving!

- You've gotta have a talk to Kelly for me.

She walks around with her tits hanging out.

- I can't believe they made me this.

- It's so... - What's wrong?

- Kelly, zip it up.

- I'm leaving dad because I really, really

cannot take this right now.

I just can't.

I cannot.

- You look like a fucking trollop.

- No!

(quirky music)

No!