Original subtitles

(Sharon laughs) `

- Don't, stop spending though, please. I'm telling you.

- [HAIRDRESSER] Don't worry, Ozzy.

Sharon's making money now, so she can support you. (laughs)

- But she makes it, and fucking spends it,

and I don't get none of it.

- [SHARON] Ah!

- [HAIRDRESSER] Sharon, you better say something.

- How can you say that? - I just did it.

(lips smack)

- [HAIRDRESSER] Don't spend all one place.

- Yeah, she, "How can you say that?"

- [HAIRDRESSER] Yeah. (laughs) (Ozzy's lips smack)

So cute.

So that's the way to shut you up. (laughs)

- And, don't go to this fucking shop while I'm away,

because that lock and key, I've gotta got you a fucking.

I could have bought fucking Alcatraz for the price of that.

- Who wants Alcatraz?

(upbeat lounge music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

(upbeat lounge music)

♪ Millions of people livin' as fools ♪

♪ And, maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love, and forget how to hate ♪

(majestic music)

- Where's my fucking pinky ring?

I can't find my ring.

Sharon gave it to me.

Means a hell of a lot to me.

Hell, it was my favorite diamonds?

One of the most precious things to me in the world.

(items clatter)

(gentle music)

Do you know my diamond ring's gone missing?

I can't find my ring.

Why would this safety ring be here, and not the ring?

Because I take the safety ring off

before I take the ring off.

- I know.

We will find it.

(adventurous music)

(faster adventurous music)

- Fuck.

(jazzy music)

- [TELEVISION ANNOUNCER] Kim had

the ligature around her neck.

- Colin, Colin, Colin!

- [TELEVISION ANNOUNCER] consists of individuals.

- [OZZY] I wonder how much it costs to keep a dog a week.

Sharon?

- Yes, Ozzy.

- [OZZY] I don't want no jewelry anymore.

- [SHARON] No, darling.

- [TELEVISION ANNOUNCER] Freezing temperatures.

- [SHARON] Colin, please be nice. Don't do that.

I don't like it.

- [TELEVISION ANNOUNCER 2] This is sterling silver.

- The diamond- - Stop it!

- [TELEVISION ANNOUNCER 2] Sterling silver

two piece ring set. Isn't that pretty?

Very simple. Very pretty.

Very, very elegant.

- Colin, stop it!

(jazzy music)

- [OZZY] Do not buy me any more fucking jewelry.

- Oh.

- [JACK] Oh, someone's bitter.

- Yes, Daddy's cranky tonight.

- [JACK] Does the baby want a bottle?

You sound like me when I was like five.

- [OZZY] I lost my fucking ring today.

- [JACK] Which ring?

- [OZZY] My diamond ring.

- You don't know where you took it off, do you?

Where'd it go?

- If I knew I wouldn't be so pissed off.

- [JACK] Did you put it down somewhere, and that was it?

Or it just disappeared off your finger?

- It's mislaid, and I still keep saying we will find it.

I know we will.

You know, Circus du Soleil, it's their last show tomorrow,

and they've asked us to go back.

- I have an outpatient. - To eat with the crew,

- and then watch the show.

- And, Kelly and I and Daddy really wanted to go.

So I thought we-

- I don't wanna go.

- Mr. Negative over here.

You could be, like, touched by Jesus right now,

and you'd find some dolt.

- I don't want to go to a fucking circus.

- [SHARON] It's not a circus.

- What do they call it circus fucking online for?

- Because they do, but it's not a fucking circus.

There's no animals. It's not done like a.

- I don't want to go.

(whimsical music)

- There's only one of each piece for the world. Whole world.

- [SHARON] Oh. And, you can wear that as a pin?

- [SALESPERSON] Yes, this is a broach. Just this part.

- Wow. Just gorgeous.

I just want to show my husband.

- [SALESPERSON] Absolutely.

(jazzy music)

- Are you awake?

- Yeah.

How are you?

What the fuck is this?

- [SHARON] It's a Midsummer's Night Dream.

- It's a fucking Ozzy Osbourne nightmare.

Is that barbed wire?

You ain't bought this, have you?

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- Fucking hell, Shars.

Haven't you got enough of your own?

- Shut up. They're downstairs.

- [OZZY] Sharon, haven't you got enough?

- [SHARON] The ring that matches the peony has color.

It's got colored stones in, right?

- [HAIRDRESSER] It has some pink in the center.

Oops, sorry. (laughs)

There you go.

- [SHARON] Definitely.

(upbeat music)

(door clicks)

(upbeat music)

- Fucking worse.

Shar, are you fucking joking me?

That looks like a fucking holly bush.

(Sharon laughs)

That's crap.

- A holly bush.

- Obviously, costs $9 billion.

Talking about it, when are we gonna report my diamond ring

being gone?

- Monday, 'cause we'll still keep looking.

All right, there's one more I just want you to see, Ozzy.

My husband likes this, but I just want to show him.

- Yes, absolutely.

Please, adjust it a little bit.

- Ozzy?

- Where'd you get this shit?

- They're downstairs.

- Where did you get it from? A fucking joke shop?

- What do you think?

- It looks fucking like you got

- an abcess on your neck. - A goiter?

- Do you like the pink one?

- No.

- No? - No. I don't.

- [OZZY] I don't like any of it.

- [SHARON] You don't like this?

- It looks like a fucking button

for a doorbell.

Here, Sharon. Where this fucking chandelier.

(jazzy music)

(upbeat music)

I couldn't sleep all night.

I was, like, I wonder when I got out of the show,

did I get the ring, put it on, take it off,

and put it in my dressing room?

So then, that thought woke me up.

And, I try and put it out of my mind,

and I go, "Why am I feeling like this?

What's going on? I don't know.

Oh, it's the ring."

It overtakes me.

It's like banging in my head all the fucking time.

When I lose something,

I'll get really pissed off and edgy, you know.

I says, "How much is it worth?"

He says, "I'd go a quarter of a million."

- [ASSISTANT] Quarter of a million?

- I think it's worth more than that,

'cause there's only one.

Only one.

(rock music)

♪ People look to me and say ♪

♪ Is the end near, when is the final day ♪

(rock music)

♪ What's the future of mankind ♪

♪ How do I know, I got left behind ♪

- [DRUMMER] You didn't warm up, did you?

- [OZZY] No.

- Fucking hell, your voice is sharp, sir.

- It's crap.

- I thought for not warming up, it was pretty good.

- I can't do it.

- Okay.

- [OZZY] Is it too young, guys?

Get it, I'm 50 fucking five, man.

- [ASSISTANT] To be honest with you.

- What?

- [ASSISTANT] You shouldn't buy any more jewelry.

- I don't want it. I says to Sharon.

- [ASSISTANT] It's just too valuable

to have them lying around.

- [OZZY] I says to Sharon,

"I don't want no jewelry, anymore."

(packaging rustles)

- [SALESPERSON 2] Here's a big one. Look at this one.

You won't see too many of these.

This is a very rare piece. Look at that.

- Wow.

- [SSLESPERSON 2] And, what you can do, you see,

if you like a really long length,

(beads clatter)

and then you can have it really long.

Really, really long.

- Yeah. Beautiful.

- Are you getting pearls, Mom?

- I already got some.

Do you like the round ones?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- [SALESPERSON 2] Oh, this is interesting.

- [KELLY] So these are $117,000?

- [SALESPERSON 2] Yeah.

- [KELLY] How come they're so expensive?

- [SALESPERSON 2] 'Cause the Australian pearls

are the finest pearls in the world.

They're big.

- I haven't bought any fucking jewelry,

but that little fucking safety ring, all right

it's the only thing I've ever fucking bought,

- and this fucking thing. - Yeah.

- [OZZY] Tell me what I bought.

- No, I'm saying that you don't wanna get anymore.

- When someone buys you something that expensive.

- Yeah.

- You can't go, "For fucks sake, I didn't want that."

- Yeah.

- But then, you've got the burden

of keeping it fucking safe, you know?

- [ASSISTANT] Yep.

- [OZZY] Women are all the same.

They fucking love spending dough.

- Yep.

- I've got a famous animal photographer coming today.

♪ Can I steal a little love ♪

♪ Can I steal a little love ♪

♪ Call me, honey, I'm on fire ♪

♪ To steal your love is my desire ♪

♪ Hug me, squeeze me till I'm red ♪

♪ Till my eyes bug out my head ♪

♪ Call me, woo me, turtle dove ♪

♪ Can I steal your love ♪

♪ Please tell me why are you driving me crazy ♪

♪ Why do I dig you like I do ♪

♪ If I should steal a little kiss ♪

♪ And you can prove that it's wrong ♪

♪ I'll give it back to you ♪

♪ Tell me honey, with a smile ♪

♪ I can walk you down the aisle ♪

♪ I won't even need a show ♪

- [ASSISTANT 2] You're right back to humping.

♪ Can I steal a little love ♪

(jazzy music)

(items clatter)

- Don't don't do that on my lap.

- [SHARON] What's he doing?

- He's humping me, but it's weirder when he's in my lap.

it's obscene. That little thing.

- What's the thing? - It's one thing

- when it's down there, but it's a little close

when he's sitting at my lap.

- [SHARON] Oh no, we're going to take care of it.

(both laugh)

(serious music)

- [DR LISA] We're gonna take Colin,

and we are going to neuter him using a CO2 laser.

- [OZZY] What are you talking with?

- I'm gonna neuter him tomorrow.

(serious music)

He's a humper.

He likes to hump everyone in everything that he can.

So I'm gonna try and take care of that.

De-humpify him.

(sad music)

- Well, the safety ring keeps the main ring on.

So I put the ring on. (door slams)

Then, I put this over the ring.

Well, this wouldn't be here if I didn't take it off.

- You just stick it on the top of it.

- [OZZY] Yeah.

- [ASSISTANT 2] Well, wait a minute.

You found the safety ring over there?

- Yeah.

- [SHARON] Monday night.

- Hang on, Shar. (ring clatters)

- Oh, God.

- Where was that? - What is that

- that's just fallen off - He's showing me

- [Assistant 2] the safety ring.

- [SHARON] It's there, by the pantry door, Ozzy.

- I said to Sharon, "Do not buy me

any more fucking jewelry."

I've got enough jewelry to fucking buy a fucking house.

- You have a lot of jewelry.

- It drives me nuts.

I go, "Have I looked under there?

What if it rolled there?"

and I'll go through the fucking house again.

The worst thing about it.

You think you're going fucking crazy.

- [ASSISTANT 2] This ring thing just makes me sick, Ozzy.

I've been sick about it all week.

- You have?

- [ASSISTANT 2] No, I know you're sick, too.

- I dream of it.

Fucking, and she finds me in the fucking shoe closet

throwing shoes around at five o'clock in the morning,

thinking it might have gone down the shoe.

- [ASSISTANT 2] Did you look in your pockets?

- I have looked

up my ass.

(jazzy music)

- Look, I'm opening and closing

the same fucking boxes 10 times.

- It wouldn't be in any of those, Shar,

it wouldn't be in any of these boxes.

- [SHARON] Now, don't worry, Ozzy, we will find this.

- [OZZY] Sharon! I've gone over,

and I've gone through every sock.

Every pair of fucking drawers. Every fucking everything.

I'm fucking nuts, man.

I mean, it's not the money.

It is the money.

But, I didn't ask for the fucking ring.

And, Sharon, I've gotta go on the fucking road again

to make that fucking dough for our old age, you know.

It's just because, I mean,

a fucking hundred thousand fucking dollars

for a ring.

Who the fuck do we think we are? It's out of control.

A fucking pinky ring.

My fucking finger ain't worth that much.

(mellow music)

- Okay. I am gonna go downstairs,

- and look in our room, Ozzy.

We've lost so many things, Ozzy.

I'm not gonna let this be lost.

We'll find it.

(determined music)

- [ASSISTANT 2] I'll look in Jack's room.

- I'd always leave the safety ring with the diamond ring.

- [ASSISTANT] I know, you do.

(determined music)

- [OZZY] I've looks under there.

- [SHARON] You know what?

You can't just sit back and say, "Oh, well, don't look."

You have to just look, 'cause you never know.

- Have you looked in the vacuum cleaner bag?

- No.

(determined music)

- [OZZY] I've looked under there, Sharon.

I've looked under there.

- [KELLY] I ain't fucking going in there.

- Please, Kelly. I can't go in there, please.

(determined music)

- [OZZY] I think it's been stolen, Sharon.

- [SHARON] Nothing under there.

(items clatter)

- [OZZY] The flesh under there.

- [SHARON] Huh?

- [OZZY] The flesh can't go there.

Sharon.

- [SHARON] Yes, Ozzy.

- [OZZY] You don't need any more fucking jewelry.

- [SHARON] I promise you. I swear to you, I won't.

(jazzy music)

- [ASSISTANT] Oh, yes.

This is the car that I showed down in England.

- That's my car. That's the one.

- Could you put me through to a Bentley salesman?

Is there a wait list for them?

Is there? Hmm.

- Tell 'em it's for Lord and Lady Osbourne.

We want a his and hers.

- I wanted to order two for Lord and Lady Osbourne.

Okay.

- [SHARON] How much is it?

- Yes. And, how how much is the car?

Yeah?

exactly.

So I'll tell 'em that,

and then I'll be back in touch with you

probably by tomorrow.

Thanks. Bye.

It's only $160,000.

- I know. It's the sporty one, I know.

- [ASSISTANT] I thought it was gonna be like

- $360,000. - No.

- Maybe we'll get three.

(upbeat music)

- [ASSISTANT 3] When does Colin come home?

- [KELLY] Tonight.

- Where is Colin? - She's dropping him off.

- [KELLY] He got his balls cut off.

- [SHARON] Ah!

- Look how good he is today. (dog barks)

- [KELLY] Oh, is that Dr. Lisa?

(gentle music)

(lips smack) - Hello, baby.

(gentle music)

- [SHARON] How is he?

- Beautiful. Look.

- Oh, oh. - All done.

- Oh, Mommy.

Welcome home, Colin.

- This dog stinks. He smells like surgical shit.

(Sharon laughs)

He does. You know what I mean?

Like that surgical smell,

- and shit. - Yeah. Yeah.

- [KELLY] He's widdled in the corner.

- God, this is insane.

Oh, why?

- [OZZY] You would if you just had your balls ripped up.

(gentle music)

- Oh, Colin had his balls chopped off,

didn't you, little guy?

(lips smack)

Didn't you, little guy?

(gentle music)

- Colin. Col, come on, Col.

Colin.

Come on.

Come and see me, Col.

Colin.

(gentle music)

(birds chirp) (upbeat music)

This fucking house.

- No. Ozzy, you know what?

If you wore your ring,

why couldn't you put it back in the box?

- It's my fucking house. - I know.

- [SHARON] I know.

But, the thing is, just for your own sake, Ozzy,

so you know where you put it.

Oh, it's up here, Ozzy.

It's there.

- [OZZY] Oh, why didn't you tell me in the first place?

- Fucking asshole.

Ozzy.

(both laugh)

- I told you. It was up there all the time.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] Oh. (lips smack)

- [ASSISTANT] Yeah, Lashinda's coming to pick it up,

right, Sharon?

- No, I need her to bring something for Kelly.

It's Kelly's birthday.

- What? Oh, fuck.

- What am I gonna do? Get her clothes?

- That's ridiculous. - No.

- And, doesn't need a card. Doesn't need.

I'm gonna get her a ring, I think.

One that she can't take off.

(upbeat music)

There's that ring, the three diamond ring.

The one that's got three diamonds,

and their square cut, long.

- Yes. - Shars.

- I wanna give that for Kelly for her birthday.

- Are you fucking nuts?

(jazzy music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbourne's."

(upbeat music)

- Looking forward to going back to England?

- Absolutely.

- This TV show, Ozzy first did 32 years ago,

And then, he's back, 32 years later with his daughter.

- [OZZY] It's fucking freezing here.

(bucket clangs)

- [SHARON] Kelly, she's got a new boyfriend.

- He's gone bit overboard with the fucking tattooing.

I'm just gonna go a lap around the field.

(engine hums)

- Oz, Oz!

- Ozzy. Ozzy, can you breathe?

(whimsical music)