Original subtitles

(crickets chirping)

- These turkeys, they make noises like seagulls.

- Do you know turkey is a descendant of the buzzard?

- Well, I think their feet look

like some prehistoric monster.

- [OZZY] Do you know the bird-

- Yeah?

- Is a descendant of prehistoric ages?

- [SHARON] Is it?

- Yeah.

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(peaceful music)

(dog snoring)

- Do you know what I don't like

about this TV show you're doing?

- What?

- I don't see enough of you.

- I know, it's what I don't like.

That's why I don't think I'm gonna

do it anymore, 'cause I don't like it.

- No, no,

darling, you've gotta keep doing it now.

- No, I don't have to.

- Of course you do.

- I've gotta finish what I committed to.

- [OZZY] Do it, keep on,

everybody likes you now.

- I like doing it, I do,

but I don't like the time,

and the way I have to be away from everyone-

- But darling, what are you gonna do?

Stay at home?

- Yes.

- No, darling,

I'm the one that stays at home.

You're the one that works now.

Prince of Darkness, I don't know.

(upbeat jazz music)

(dogs barking)

- [SHARON] Love you.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

- Yeah.

While I'm at the show, Ozzy,

I think what he does is he sleeps, and rests,

and potters around, and misses me,

and I miss him.

(comical dramatic music)

(upbeat jazz music)

I'll call Ozzy.

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

- [OZZY] Hello?

- [SHARON] Hi, sweetie.

- [OZZY] How is the show going tonight?

- Alright.

- Every time I watch the show, there's something missing.

Every so often, you should go out the studio.

You should go to fucking Pat Boone's house,

or fucking anybody.

- Okay.

How is Daddy doing?

- [OZZY] Alright, I'm getting bored of being here now.

- [SHARON] Alright, I love you.

- Love you, bye-bye.

What did you say?

- What did I say?

Oz, the speakers are coming in and out in the drum room.

It'll be alright, won't it?

(upbeat jazz music)

- It's been a dream of mine for years to

have a studio, but I'm not technically mine.

This is my drum room.

This is the vocal booth.

All I gotta do is make two records

out of there, and it's paid for itself.

- DMX, hour and a half late.

Not here yet.

- I love him, I love DMX-

- I know, I thought you would.

- I just fucking love that.

- He's apparently told our limo to

leave and he'll drive himself.

- He won't come.

No, I just love this.

- Do you think?

- No, he won't come.

- He's infamous for not showing up-

- Kristen said last night he's not showing up.

- [ASSISTANT] He didn't show up to the MTV Awards.

- He has?

- Yes, that's what I said to Dave!

"Are you sure?"

I just love that.

- Why doesn't Mum call him?

- [SHARON] I love it-

- And just be like, "What's the deal?"

"Where are you?"

- I think it's the funniest thing I have ever fucking heard.

I love him.

- Don't encourage him not to come if I get you the number.

- Let me talk to him.

- [PRODUCER] I'm getting it.

- I'll go and get him.

We can go with the crew.

We'll go to his house and we'll go, I'll ring on the door.

- [ASSISTANT] That's hilarious.

- [SHARON] Right?

Why can't I go to his house with the camera?

- Because we actually have a show

with 200 people and other guests.

(producer laughing)

- Oh, I have to call Ozzy to tell Ozzy,

'cause he will love this story.

- [FRIEND] What were we talking about this morning?

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

- [PRODUCER] I'm gonna now go back and write.

- It's really weird doing my talk show,

because I'll say something,

and then I'll go to get Ozzy's reaction,

and he's not there.

(phone beeping)

- Do you wanna come over and see my studio?

- Alright.

So, you've been chilling out?

- [OZZY] I haven't done anything at all for a while.

Don't touch anything.

Don't fucking touch anything.

This is my store room for my equipment.

Dogs, leave that alone!

Absolutely soundproof.

The brains to my computer are in here.

Don't touch anything.

- Gotta have the disco ball, absolutely.

- What's this for?

- It's for you not to fucking touch.

- Okay.

(comical music)

- I thought L.J. Hubbard was coming out with me.

- L. Ron-

- L. Ron Hubbard.

And the guy's name is actually D.L. Hughley.

L. Ron Hubbard is a...

- [JACK] He created Scientology-

- He's a Christian Scientologist.

- [SHARON] I know who he is, I'm just-

- No, it's no Christian,

it's just Scientology.

He was a science fiction writer and he created Scientology.

- I just like to come up-

- [DIRECTOR] And D.L. Hughley is a comic.

- Here's your script.

- Good, we can go through prompt.

"On today's show, I'm chatting with D.L. Hughley."

- And then can I say, "And also,

we have a special interview with L. Ron Hubbard."

- [DIRECTOR] No.

(lighthearted music)

- Yeah-

- [OZZY] Sparky.

- (laughs) Hey, Oz.

- [OZZY] It's done.

- I know.

- [OZZY] It's fucking great, isn't it?

Do you know what gets me?

You're depressed, right?

You go to a doctor,

you go, "I'm depressed."

They give you a depressed pill,

anti-depressed pill, and you can't fuck,

so you're depressed 'cause you can't fuck.

(group laughing)

I mean, that's great that is.

I'm suicidal now.

I can't get a boner.

"Try this Viagra."

So you get a boner, you can't squirt!

(group laughing)

So you're pumping away like a fucking steam engine,

and you go, "I can't get the tickling feeling."

You can't get that (humming)

(group laughing)

- Hello.

- Jack, how funny is it about DMX?

- D!

- I do have his cell, we can try him now.

- [PRODUCER] Sharon would like to say hi.

- See if I can get him on the phone.

- [PRODUCER] She's thrilled that he's two hours late.

It's her new idol.

- It makes me laugh.

- What, 'cause we do it all the time?

- Yeah.

- Are you a late-y too?

- Oh, I'm fucking awful.

- 'Cause your dad is awesome.

- What, on time?

- Yeah, early.

- 'Cause he has nothing to do!

- Porn.

(group laughing)

Now you're talking, rock and roll!

- [FRIEND] There we go.

(group laughing)

- Hey X, this is Fernita,

producer with the show.

How you doing, baby?

I'm doing good.

Hey, listen,

I'm gonna put Sharon on the phone, okay?

Hang on, honey.

- X?

I'm doing fine.

Where's that raggedy old arse of yours?

Where are you?

I love you, I can't wait for you to get here.

Put that foot down on that fucking accelerator and get here.

Love ya.

Bye.

- I love it when you do gang voice.

- Love ya.

- [DIRECTOR] It's awesome, you're so Black.

- Am I?

No.

- [FERNITA] You're a sister.

- No, I'm not-

- [FERNITA] You're a sister.

- [JACK] She's a soul woman.

- You gotta give me some love!

(director laughing)

- We should start the show on time,

and we just have to go out there and say,

listen, I hope DMX comes.

Love him.

We'll just keep waiting.

And if he comes, he comes.

And if he doesn't, I'll fucking sing.

(upbeat jazz music)

If DMX doesn't show, I'll sing.

- [DIRECTOR] Ask Jack to start the show with you.

- Yeah.

Jack?

Where's Jackie?

(rock music)

- Dude, I dare you to fucking make

your own cock and give it to Kim.

So how do we do this?

- [TOM] Alright, pour the room temperature water

from the canister into a large mixing bowl.

- [JACK] Okay.

- It's important to add water first, then powder.

Open the casting material bag.

I gotta do it fast, within a minute.

- Of what?

- Mixing this shit.

- [KERRY] I'm setting up, pulling right now.

- [TOM] Well, dude,

I'm not gonna do it out here, man.

- [KERRY] It says wireless internet.

- Oh, hell yeah.

Kerry, dude,

hold the penis cup.

Hurry up.

- Oh dude, this is wrong.

No, no,

don't get it on my hand.

I can't believe this really takes

three people to make a penis.

- Guys?

Alright, dogs away from my baby.

(lighthearted music)

Oh, he's adorable!

He's got nice flat ears.

Hi pumpkin!

- Wow, he's getting big!

There he is.

(lullaby music)

(baby crying)

- Fucking hell.

(baby crying)

Do you wanna come over and see my studio?

It's a really good studio.

- [MELINDA] The fumes in here,

Ozzy, is insane.

It's great.

- No dog shit.

- Yeah, yet.

- This is a high definition TV they've given me.

I like this

(Melinda laughing)

- [MELINDA] See you later.

- [MODEL] (on TV) Should we take our bikinis off?

- [FERNITA] Hey, I'm looking for X?

- I love it.

- [DIRECTOR] I love that you love it.

- I'm not angry or anything.

I just think it's fun.

He probably ain't in fucking town!

(upbeat music)

I think Ozzy's really proud of me doing the show,

but he also misses me.

And now he's finally got his studio at home,

and he's getting a motorcycle.

No, it's not a cycle.

It's a chopper.

- Hi!

- Ozzy, how are you?

- [OZZY] Fine.

- We're from Counts Customs, from Las Vegas.

We've built a custom chopper strictly for you.

This bike says you,

and we're here to give it to you today, brother.

- [OZZY] Thank you very much.

- [DESIGNER] By all means.

(rock music)

- [ASSISTANT] You can't ride it though.

You can sit on it, we don't want you to hurt yourself!

(engine revving)

- Sounds like you're sitting on a fucking atom bar.

(rock music)

My wife says, "You can drive but you don't drive.

Now you've got a fucking motorbike, you'll kill yourself."

(group laughing)

But what a way to die, guys!

(Ozzy laughing)

(mellow music)

- No, hold on.

D.L says, "Santa,

I know I never show up empty handed."

- [PRODUCER] I don't understand it.

- We'll just fucking wing it.

- Break.

Oh, 'cause that goes so well for us this week.

- [PRODUCER] Sharon, we're gonna try and get DLX to do-

- [DIRECTOR] Thank you, that's sweet.

- Yes, is he here yet?

- [ASSISTANT] No, you're screwed.

- Oh.

(rock music)

- [JACK] How we doing in there, buddy?

- [TOM] Chilling.

- [JACK] Are you ready for, to-

- [TOM] Don't rush me.

Do not rush me.

- [JACK] Why not rush you?

- [TOM] Stop talking to me.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

I'm at Jack's house.

(Jack whining)

It didn't take me longer to pick up the phone.

It took me like a second.

- [TOM] I had to sit down.

- No, it's just me,

Jack and Tom.

We're just sitting here.

- [TOM] Do not rush me.

- [KERRY] Hey mom, hold on.

Hey, can I call you back in a little bit?

(Tom laughing)

- I need a cigarette.

- [CROWD] (chanting) Sharon, Sharon-

- [WORKER] Places everybody.

DMX isn't here, but we've got to start the show.

(crowd cheering)

- I'll tell you what, we have an absolutely fantastic show.

We've got Tom Cruise.

We've got Mike Myers.

(crowd screaming)

I'm sorry, I'm just,

we don't.

(Sharon laughing)

- What'd y'all expect for free, dammit?

- Yeah, for God's sake!

- You got me, that's what you got.

- [WORKER] (indistinct) In three,

and update, everybody,

DMX still isn't here, but we're just gonna keep going.

- I'm fucking speechless.

- I was gonna ask if we're overstaying our welcome, so.

- [OZZY] Do you want to come up and see my studio?

- [DESIGNER] We appreciate it.

We know you have a very busy, busy schedule.

We're gonna get outta your hair.

- [OZZY] It's a really good studio.

- Right.

- This is the drum room here.

It's all been done professionally, don't touch anything.

(jazz music)

Want to come for a ride on my bike?

- I love that bike!

Look at the cool, you know how to ride bike?

- Yeah!

- Really, you have a motorcycle hat?

I have a motorcycle helmet.

(Ozzy laughing)

Really, I do.

Just very slowly, don't go too fast.

(Ozzy and friend laughing)

(comical music)

It's beautiful.

- I was trying to find out how to start the fucking thing.

- [OZZY'S FRIEND] It's a cool bike.

- Can you see how you start this fucking thing?

(comical music)

- You're terribly funny.

Does it run in the family?

- No.

- Because it's like, you know you get singers and actors,

and then it kind of runs in the family.

And I've always wondered about

people who are naturally funny.

- No.

You know what, they know I got a GED,

and they won't let me help 'em with their homework.

They just come in and go,

"Daddy?

Nevermind, you don't know none of this.

This that new man."

(crowd screaming and cheering)

(triumphant music)

- How does it kick to that side?

What's she sitting on?

- [ASSISTANT] That's the gas.

- [OZZY] Pardon?

- Might be the brakes.

- All I can say is it's in one piece.

(comical music)

- [ASSISTANT] Is there a key?

Is there a key, where's the keyhole?

- [OZZY] He never give me a fucking key for it!

- [ASSISTANT] It's definitely a key.

- It's definitely a key?

Do you wanna come out and see my studio?

Absolutely soundproof.

Don't touch anything!

(mellow music)

- [TOM] Dude, your lighters are shit.

- Yeah, I got one.

Right here, shitface.

(Tom groaning)

- Ow!

Oh, you,

oh my God, man.

Fucker, you fucking!

(Jack and Tom groaning)

Ow!

- [KERRY] Bullseye, dude!

- [JACK] What does it feel like?

Whoa!

- [KERRY] Dude, you just touched his cock.

(Tom laughing)

- [TOM] Let's make the other one.

(mellow music)

- Where's my husband?

Ozzy?

Is Ozzy upset?

Ozzy?

(grand music)

Hi Daddy!

- What you doing?

- [SHARON] I missed you so much.

(classical music)

- [JACK] Kel, you wanna look at this

midget porn I found on the internet?

- [KELLY] No, I don't wanna see.

- [JACK] Yeah, you do.

Yeah!

(Jack laughing)

- [KELLY] Jack, click that off.

That is absolutely disgusting,

and you should not be watching that.

I'm serious.

- [JACK] I'm 18, I can do whatever I want!

(Jack laughing)

- [SHARON] It's so good to be back.

- [KELLY] Oh, I'm outta here.

- [JACK] Kelly, I think I owe you.

Didn't you smack me with a dildo once?

- [TOM] Go get her, go get her.

(Kelly screaming)

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] Kelly, stop.

(Kelly screaming)

(Jack laughing)

- [SHARON] Stop it!

(Kelly screaming)

Stop it!

(mellow music)

(blender whizzing)

(ice cubes clunking)

(blender whizzing)

(blender whizzing)

Daddy, how long that drink go on for?

- I'm sorry, Sharon.

- [SHARON] No, no!

- [OZZY] I was making a-

- [SHARON] I'm just asking.

(blender whizzing)

(blender revving)

You're such an arse hole!

Ozzy, stop it!

(blender whizzing)

- [OZZY] Sharon?

Do you wanna come out and see my studio?

- Never in a million fucking years.

(jazz music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- I can't find my ring.

Why would this safety ring be here and not the ring?

- [SHARON] I'm not gonna let this be lost, we'll find it.

- [OZZY] It's bad enough worth 70,000.

Now I'm told it's fucking worth over a hundred grand!

My fucking finger ain't worth that much.

- [SHARON] If you wore your ring,

why couldn't you put it back in the box?

- [OZZY] It's my fucking house!

(dramatic music)

(ring clattering)

- [OZZY] Hang on, Sharon.

- [SHARON] Oh, God.

- What's this for?

- It's for you not to fucking touch.