Original subtitles

- Poor Kelly had a really, really bad day.

- What happened?

- With the MTV awards in Europe.

- [JACK] With Christina Aguilera?

- [SHARON] Yeah. - What happened?

- During show where she

had Kelly's face on a dartboard

and was throwing darts at it

and making comments about Kelly.

- Well, Mum, you know.

She got the ball rolling on this.

- Yeah. But this thing is, as I'm saying,

Kelly, you know, can take it as well as give it.

And she could have take it and gone along with it.

But it is a bit much.

Throwing darts at somebody's face,

I don't like that.

- Well.

Kelly did call her a cunt an awful lot of times.

- Well,

nothing wrong with that.

(upbeat swing jazz plays)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Livin' as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(playful instrumental plays)

- For Jack's birthday,

do you just think, "Happy 18th, Jack",

is that good enough for his cake?

Or do you want it to say something different?

- [SHARON] "Happy 18th Birthday, Jacky Boy".

- "Jacky Boy"? I-E or Y?

- [SHARON] Y. - Okay. So,

"Happy 18th Birthday, Jacky-",

with a Y, "Boy".

- [COLLEAGUE] Sharon? - Yeah?

- This is Lynn, you know, from BMW, and Mike.

- Yeah. Hi Lynn, how are you? - Hi, nice to see you.

- This is Mike. They brought the car down.

- Hi, how are you? - How are you?

- Hello. - Sharon the car looks

fabulous.

- So excited for my boy. - Oh, I wanna see it.

- And they've put a red bow on it.

- No- - Oh.

- Yeah. Big red bow for the front, yeah.

- Let's go look. - (claps) Let's go look.

We'll come back to the email. - Yeah, we'll come back.

Come on, come on.

Let's go look, Minnie, this is exciting for Jack.

(slow paced music plays)

- [ASSISTANT] All right. - [SHARON] Oh my God.

- This is so gorgeous. - Jack's car. (hums)

Oh, he's gonna be so happy.

- He will love it. - He's gonna love his car.

(upbeat instrumental plays)

So did Christina-

Was anybody talking to Christina?

- I was so tempted to, like,

go up there and be like, "Well, you're a cunt."

Because that's really what I wanted to do.

But the thing is,

when we hosted the American Music Awards,

I was respectful.

I didn't say a fuckin' word

and I could've.

'Cause I don't give a fuck what she thinks about me.

- [SHARON] Come on. Come and sit down and talk to me.

- Mom but do you understand what I'm saying?

- Yeah okay. I'm with you.

I'm just so happy that you're home.

They should have told you what was going on.

They should have- Sit down.

- [KELLY] No, but the thing is, I sat in a meeting-

- [SHARON] Did you hear what she said

at the end of the show?

- [KELLY] No.

- [SHARON] Oh, "If you can give it out,

you should be able to take it."

- I really wanted to get up there

and say, "You didn't get your fucking publicity

from making out with Madonna.

So you're trying to use me.

Kiss my fuckin' arse."

- [SHARON] Did you see Jack's car?

- [KELLY] Yeah. It's really nice.

- [SHARON] Isn't it nice?

- One thing though, Mum,

he doesn't know how to drive.

- Be happy for him.

Just, all you have to say is, "Yeah, it's a

great car. Good for Jack." - That's what I said!

- "Good for Jack."

That's all. - But I just said

he doesn't have a license.

So what is he gonna do with it?

- [SHARON] No, you said he can't drive.

- What? Mom, what do you want me to say?

"Oh, Mum, it's the most glorious thing

in the whole entire world

that you purchased him a vehicle."

I said, "It's very nice that you got him a car

and it's a really nice car."

He's a really poo driver.

- Look who's talking.

- I don't drive 700 miles an hour

and change lanes like he does.

- Jack is a good driver, okay? - No, he's not.

(playful instrumental plays)

- Oh my God. (car door slams)

This thing is awesome.

Yay, I got car.

Yay. - Do you love you car, Jacky?

- Awesome. - Jacky. I love you.

Come, let me see you sat behind the wheel.

- Okay. - Come on, come on.

I have to see you behind the wheel.

Come on, the Jacky Boy.

- Like it, Jack? - I do.

This is so awesome. Thank you so much, Mum.

(lips smack)

I like the interior too.

(ignition whirs)

I got a car. Yay.

(car horn honks)

I'm gonna drive to Mexico.

- What? - I'm gonna go down to Mexico,

get a hooker.

- Shut up.

- Mommy, wow. I'm a big kid now.

Hi, Dad. Thank you for my birthday gift.

- Well, you like it, huh? - Awesome.

(upbeat jazz music plays)

So Kel, what the fuck happened

with this whole Christina Aguilera thing?

- Oh. It was just like publicity stunts.

- [JACK] What'd she say?

- She said something really patronizing,

"Sweet, sweet, sweet, little Kelly.

If you're are going to give it,

you gotta learn how to take it."

So- - Did you say anything back?

- I just said, "You know what?

With all the success that you have

and all the amazing things,

you think that you would not be like that."

- You know this is for nipple care?

- [KELLY] Yeah. It's nipple cream,

and it's great for tattoos when you first get 'em.

- [FRIEND 1] So you got a tattoo on your nipple?

- No, my feet. - [FRIEND 1] Oh.

- I'm gonna go get a tattoo tomorrow.

- What are you getting? - I'm gonna get a pirate flag.

- [FRIEND 2] Oh Jack, you're so hard.

(Jack laughs)

- [FRIEND 1] Get a schooner.

- Jack, you don't want to get a pirate flag.

- I wanna get a-

'Cause I want be a pirate.

I want to sail the Seven Seas,

and rape and pillage

and fuckin' fire cannons and- - Rape and pillage?

- [KELLY] Jack, did you just see

"Pirates of the Caribbean"

or something? - No. No.

I wanna get like a pirate flag.

Like skull and crossbones.

Like, "Shiver me timber! Argh!"

- You'd look ridiculous with that.

- No, I wouldn't. I'd look hard.

- Jack got his first tattoo and did not

know what it meant. - Kelly-

- He only found out later.

- I know I went with him.

- [JACK] I liked what it looked like.

- But that could be like,

the Tibetan wheel of how to suck

testicles for the rest of your life.

- [JACK] No, not in the book I got it from.

- I'm just saying you don't know

what the fuck you're getting

and you're getting it.

- [JACK] Shut up, Kelly.

Miss fuckin'-

"I'm English, but put on a fuckin' American accent."

- No, I don't. - [JACK] Yeah, you do.

- I can't help that I've lived here for six years

and I'm changing the way I talk.

- Kel, you know what you can help?

Me doing this.

(hands slap)

- Which ways it going? Which foot? Which foot?

(kick thuds) (dogs bark)

(Kelly grunts) (kick thuds)

(Kelly grunts) - Damn.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Doesn't she do like,

[FRIEND 2] Tae Bo and shit?

(Kelly screams)

- Yeah? Which foot now?

- Which foot now? - Ow! Be gentle with me!

- It's my birthday. I can do whatever you want-

Uh, whatever I want.

I think you said that.

I think you said that, Kelly.

"It's my birthday!" (mimics Kelly screaming)

(upbeat jazz music plays)

(slow jazz music plays)

(slow jazz music continues)

- Jack, it's 10 o'clock.

(Jack moans)

(door clicks)

- Amanda's my personal assistant, I guess?

- Get up. - Amanda, did he get up?

- No.

- She helps me out with, like, my day to day stuff.

Makes sure I get to appointments on time.

- That's what I'm saying. We need go.

I'm not playing with your hair right now.

- Shut the fuck up.

For the most part, we get along very well.

If they want a good shoot,

a shoot worth fucking doing.

Don't have me be there at nine thirty in the morning,

'cause I'm like this. - All right.

Well, you know what. - Clear out your desk.

I want your resignation in by Friday.

(door clicks shut)

- No, get off me.

- I didn't always open mic night for Amanda.

- Nice. - I build you up to break

you down. Build you up to break you down.

And when you're around someone like,

all day, every day, you know,

sometimes you get a little pissed off.

- Gimme this.

Do you wanna go practice parallel parking now

and then go have your meeting?

Or do you want to study the test-

Study the handbook?

And then practice parallel parking

and then go take a test?

- I think I'll do parallel parking,

then handbook, then test.

- [AMANDA] Yes. Okay. - Parallel first.

(upbeat jazz music plays)

How 'bout there? Is that big enough?

- Do this one, do this one. It's easy.

- Okay. - It's there.

'Cause that one's too big. It's too easy.

- I think we're in business. - Yeah.

- Should I try that one there?

- Yeah.

(light piano music begins)

- [AMANDA] Now cut it.

- [JACK] I'm gonna have to do that again.

- [AMANDA] Make sure you're staying parallel to these cars

'cause sometimes you come in at too much of an angle.

Start over.

- Okay.

So?

Good? Bad?

- [AMANDA] I don't know. What do you think?

- You're supposed to be fuckin' teaching me,

I've never done this before.

- [AMANDA] Yeah, but you've done it

a couple times. (Jack stammers)

- Do you wanna try this one or not?

- Okay. You're teaching me and I don't drive much,

so you're supposed to help me out.

- Okay. Well, then don't do it

from halfway in the middle of the road.

Stay parallel to the van.

(car horn honks)

(car horn honks)

That's what I meant by always looking

in your mirrors and stuff.

(car honks)

Did you even look to see if anyone was behind you?

- Yes. I did it. - You just turned so quick.

Now cut it.

(car horn honks)

- [JACK] Oh, this is good.

- [AMANDA] Yeah, but it was too many turns.

You should put your seatbelt on

before you pull away instead of having

to put it in your mouth

and then swerve to the other side of the street.

- I know, but-

- This is why parents hire other people

to teach their kids how to drive.

'Cause then you just get yelled at-

- [JACK] You're not my fuckin' parent.

- Because people don't like getting yelled at.

(light piano music continues)

Good.

(car faintly beeps)

(metal squeaks)

- [JACK] Oh my God.

- [AMANDA] What was that?

- [JACK] What the fuck do you think it was?

- It was a car? - Yeah.

- [AMANDA] Why are you yelling at me? I didn't hit it.

- [JACK] I know.

(somber piano music plays)

(metal squeaks)

- [AMANDA] Okay, but that wasn't your fault.

- Yeah, that one of the sensors have fallen down.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

All right. Fuck it. - [AMANDA] Why don't you just-

- I'm gonna go back to the house.

- [AMANDA] It's fine. Everybody hits something when

they're learning how to parallel park.

- Yeah, but I just fuckin' broke my new car.

- Yeah, but it's a little piece

and we'll take it in and it'll get fixed.

You didn't take a bumper off.

You know?

(upbeat jazz music plays)

(soft acoustics play)

- To be honest, I just fuckin' crashed the car.

- Oh, shame. I'm sorry. - [KELLY] You did?

- Just fuckin' backed up into a car

and knocked something off the back of my car.

- Knocked?

- While we were- - Did you hit someone?

- [AMANDA] Practicing parallel parking.

- Yeah, no. I just backed up into a car

and knocked it sensor off the back of my car.

- [SHARON] Oh, but you didn't hurt

anyone? - No, no.

- [SHARON] Oh, that's good.

- Did you hurt their car?

- [AMANDA] No. - [JACK] No.

- You are so lucky

that there was no guy in that car

that didn't call the police

because you didn't have your license.

Because you'd be like- - [SHARON] Jack, who was it?

- [AMANDA] He had a licensed driver in the car.

- Was it in the street? - [AMANDA] You're allowed to

if you have a licensed driver.

- [JACK] Yeah. - Not without a permit.

- Yeah, so not your car. - [FRIEND 1] No, you are.

- No, it's not.

- I'm not gonna even bother explaining this.

(upbeat jazz music plays)

"Always stop before you cross railroad tracks when-"

(upbeat jazz music continues)

- You doing there?

- Taking a practice test. - Beg your pardon?

- Taking a practice test. - Oh.

(knuckles crack) (neck cracks)

- [AMANDA] How many practice tests have you taken?

- I'm on my third one right now.

- How are you doing?

- I've only got one wrong. - All right,

we should get your stuff together

and say goodbye to your mom.

(car honks)

- Can I just call you both back?

'Cause Jack's going for his driving test.

- [ASSISTANT] Tell 'em, we're gonna call him

when we're done. - Yes!

I always do. - Jack-

All you can do is try. - I love you.

[SHARON] I'll call you right back.

Jacky?

- Yeah? - Listen to me.

If I can pass a fuckin' driving test anyone can.

- I can't.

- All right, I'm leaving.

Mom, I gotta go. Mum.

- [OZZY] Good luck. - [SHARON] Good luck.

You promise you'll call me as soon as

you're done? - Yeah. Mom, it's not like I'm

fuckin' going to court or anything.

(lips smack) Mum, please come off me.

Alright, I'll see you when I get back.

- Call me as soon as you do it.

- I'll call you when we're finished

and tell you how he did. - As soon as you pass,

call me. - [AMANDA] We'll call.

- If you don't pass, don't call.

(upbeat jazz music plays)

- [RECEPTIONIST] The first line with both eyes.

- [AMANDA] Do you wanna stand in front of it?

- Okay, um. Line one Z, F, T, P, E.

- [RECEPTIONIST] Very good. Let me cover one eye

and give me line two.

- Line two. F, T, P, E, F, O.

- [RECEPTIONIST] Let's try it one more time.

- P-

- [RECEPTIONIST] What is it?

- F, T, P, E, O.

- [RECEPTIONIST] Try it one more time. Same placement.

- E-

D, E, F, P.

- [RECEPTIONIST] And you wear glasses, right?

(relaxed instrumental begins)

Yeah. That's good.

Okay, now you can begin your written task.

You have to take all 36 questions. That's front and back.

Okay? - Okay.

- [RECEPTIONIST] And take your time.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

- [RECEPTIONIST] I'll be right back. I'm gonna process this.

(heart beats loudly)

(neck cracks)

(upbeat instrumental plays)

(upbeat instrumental continues)

- [AMANDA] He's done.

- You ready?

- I don't know.

(knuckles crack)

(Jack grunts) (heart beats louder)

(tense instrumental begins)

(tense instrumental picks up)

- All good.

- [AMANDA] He passed? (attendant hums affirmatively)

- Yeah. - [AMANDA] Yeah. Yay!

(light upbeat instrumental plays)

- [ATTENDANT] Congratulations.

- My heart stopped, because I thought

you could only get three wrong.

- No, it's three when only take the one side.

- [AMANDA] Oh, okay. - Yeah.

- [AMANDA] Yay. - [ATTENDANT] All right.

- [RECEPTIONIST] You do have proof of insurance

on the car you're gonna be driving

and a current registration with you?

- [JACK] I believe so.

(high energy jazz music plays)

- So what I want you to do is

to put your left turn signal on for me, okay?

You got it.

Okay. So show me where the

control for the windshield wipers.

Where's that?

Okay, don't turn them on.

I just got all soaking wet.

Okay, now your defroster.

- Defroster

(radio plays lively music)

is here.

- Uh huh. Now, do you know your arm signals?

- Arm signals? Uh.

- Can you show me? Say them out loud.

- This is- Isn't this-

You wanna make a left,

and that's right. I believe.

- [INSTRUCTOR] No, I think you were right on the left.

- Okay. Right on the left and-

- [INSTRUCTOR] You're right on this one now-

Okay, so if you're making a left. Yeah.

Now, what do you think a right would be?

- Um.

(heart beats loudly)

Hold on, gimme a second.

(tense instrumental plays)

This is- Isn't this-?

Maybe that, is it?

- No. - Okay.

- Let's see left. - Left, right-

- Uh huh.

- And...

(heart beats loudly) (tense instrumental plays)

Stop? What is it?

No.

Crap. I forgot, sorry.

- All righty. But we mark all that off, okay?

So now, what's gonna happen is

I'm gonna take you out on this drive

and I'm going to evaluate your driving skills.

- Okay. - Okay?

And I expect you to try and drive as skillfully

and as carefully as possible.

Okay? - Okay.

- Do you have any questions?

- Nope. - No?

- No. - Okay. Are you nervous?

- I'm all right.

- I am. I don't know if you can drive. (laughs)

(upbeat instrumental plays)

Alrighty. Are we all set?

♪ Here in my car ♪

♪ I feel safest of all ♪

♪ I can lock all my doors ♪

♪ It's the only way to live ♪

♪ In cars ♪

- [INSTRUCTOR] Now, you want to think

about those arm signals again?

- [JACK] Okay.

♪ Here in my car ♪

♪ I can only receive ♪

- [INSTRUCTOR] Now what I want you to do

is press down on the brake.

- [JACK] I'm pushing down on it.

♪ For nights in cars ♪

- [INSTRUCTOR] Make sure the glove compartment

doesn't come down and break my knees.

- [JACK] Oh, sorry. - What we'll do- That's okay.

[INSTRUCTOR] We'll go around the block.

Now see, by rights-

Actually, we shouldn't even be going this way.

- I know. I was gonna- - See the arrow?

- Do you want me to turn? (car honks)

- [INSTRUCTOR] Press down on the break.

You okay?

- [JACK] I'm fine. - You can see, right?

(Jack hums affirmatively)

- [INSTRUCTOR] So now what we're gonna do is

we're gonna pull back out into traffic again.

No, where are you going?

- [JACK] Oh, left. Oh, sorry.

- [INSTRUCTOR] Well stay in this lane.

Stay here, 'cause we can't get over there now.

Stay here, darling. - [JACK] Oh, sorry.

(upbeat instrumental continues)

That good?

(instructor hums unsurely) - Yeah.

- [JACK] I'm a little dyslexic. I have my left

and right kinda messed up. - [INSTRUCTOR] That's okay.

That's not a failure. So don't worry about that.

(steady jazz music plays)

Lock her up. Come on in.

I'm gonna give you a temp,

and we're gonna take a look at that immigration status.

- Okay. - And see how soon you're

[INSTRUCTOR] gonna get it. And yes,

you did pass. - [JACK] Thank you.

(instructor laughs)

- Passed.

♪ Go, tell it on the mountain ♪

♪ Over then hills and everywhere ♪

♪ Go, tell it on the mountain ♪

- [RECEPTIONIST] Yeah, he can smile now

that he's past the pressure. (group agrees loudly)

- [ATTENDANT] All the pressure's off.

- [RECEPTIONIST] Oh, that's pretty good. Okay.

- [JACK] Alright.

- [AMANDA] That's a cute picture.

(jazz instrumental plays)

- Yay, I got my license.

Now I can go driving just by myself

whenever I want.

- Ah, now it means you can ditch me

all the time. - Yeah. Exactly.

It means you're fired, Amanda.

- [AMANDA] Oh no.

- Clear out your desk.

Look at that bullshit.

- I know.

That's hot.

- Dude, my hair doesn't even fit

in the fuckin' picture. Look at it.

(Amanda laughs)

- [SHARON] Hello. - It's Jack.

- Hi, darling.

- Yeah, I got minus four on the written.

I got a perfect score on the driving.

- Yes, Jacky. Jacky passed his test!

(group cheers)

- Did he? Great. Jack passed his test. Now-

- Jacky. Congratulations. Doesn't it feel good?

- Yeah. - Were they nice with you?

- Very, very nice. - Oh, Jack, congratulations.

Are you on your way home?

- Yes I am. I'm just pulling out of here.

(car horn honks) (tires screech)

Oh my God.

(upbeat jazz plays)

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on "The Osbournes".

- While I'm at the show,

Ozzy potters around and misses me.

- Porn!

(group laughs) - [OZZY] Now you're talking.

It's been a dream of mine for years to have a studio.

I've got an opera that I'm working on.

- What's this for?

Testing the- - It's for you not to

fucking touch.

Like a musical, not an opera.

Don't fucking touch anything.

- DMX, hour and a half late.

- Put that foot down on

that fucking accelerator and get here.

And if he comes, he comes.

And if he doesn't, I'll fuckin' sing.

(silence)

- All you can do is try.

(silence)

(silence continues)