Original subtitles

- Do you know, you gotta buy one more dog.

- What?

- You got 13 dogs and I hate 13.

I'm highly superstitious.

- [SHARON] We don't have 13.

- We have 13 dogs.

- [SHARON] Min, Mag, Lolly, Peggy Sue,

Colin, Martini, Pip, Chips, Crazy Baby,

and the two news.

- 13 dogs.

- 12.

- 13 dogs, Sharon.

Sharon, believe me Sharon, it's 13 dogs.

- Oh missed out Ruby, you're right.

- I wanna buy a gun Sharon.

- What for?

- I like shooting and I'm gonna

have that as my hobby.

And so you can buy the dogs and I can shoot them.

♪ Crazy, hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people, living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe, it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love, and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.

- [SHARON] Shut up Ozzy, he's not dead.

- [OZZY] They coyotes ate them all.

- Excuse me, excuse me,

do we really have to say goodbye?

Yes, no?

- No.

- We do?

- Oh daddy.

I just got, they just sent a letter through,

saying I have to work harder on my show.

- What are you talking about?

- I don't know daddy,

but they told me off.

- Say that again.

- The guy that runs the whole thing said,

that I have to work harder at the show

because people are tuning in and then they're tuning out.

So, why doesn't he just tell me to go?

- What more can you do?

- [SHARON] I don't know.

Unless I fucking get out me old tits, I don't know.

- What does he want you to go,

good morning folks.

- I know, that's what he wants me to fucking do, spin.

- Moonwalk.

Morning folks.

(Sharon laughing)

- [SHARON] Kelly, can I ask you something?

- What?

Please stay on my show and come talk with me around Madison.

Right?

I hate you.

I'll think about it.

- [SHARON] Please.

- I don't want you to beg, get away from me.

There's something right here.

- [SHARON] I think your dad's dropped one in here.

- It's gonna be really cheesy

if I come on your show all the time.

- [SHARON] It's not all the time.

This is it, never again, please.

- I'll hold you to that.

- Never again.

- I'm holding you to that.

- [SHARON] Swear to god.

- I don't wanna host the show with you.

I don't have enough time for that,

I've still got stuff to do.

(Sharon laughing)

- [SHARON] Kelly.

- I don't wanna host your show.

- It's an hour.

- It's the Sharon Osbourne show.

- It's an hour, please.

- Mom, that's why it's the Sharon Osbourne show.

- Please.

- It's not the Sharon and Kelly show.

It's the Sharon Osbourne show.

- Um, Jack.

- [JACK] Um, yeah?

- [SHARON] Come on the show and co-host it with me.

- [JACK] You're kidding me.

- Please.

- [JACK] No.

- [SHARON] Jackie.

(upbeat music)

(drill revving)

- I call this house the factory.

All the work gets done here.

(machines blaring)

It's always the same though, it really is.

How the fuck.

I know it's gonna go away,

they'll come back and do another fucking major,

major work being done on the house.

(bell ringing)

(slow Asian music)

- Well, figure it weighs 980 pounds.

- 1,000 pounds and how many guys we got?

We got, so that's...

- 14 people on it or something.

- Oh, so that's less than a hundred pounds a person.

- [WORKER] That's feasible but...

- Yeah, it's how do you grab it?

- I mean, how do you get that many people around it?

- Right?

- [WORKER] Need some muscle.

(slow Asian music)

- Hi doggies, hi everyone.

- [OZZY] What happened when you went to work today?

- Everything they told me to do I wouldn't do

and I just did what I wanted to do

and I just put fucking panty liners all over my forehead

and sat there and put panty liners all over me.

- [KELLY] Why, what did they do?

They made a complaint about me today.

- [KELLY] Who did?

- The guy who gave me the job.

- [OZZY] What's a panty liner?

- [SHARON] So, I just sat there and stuck

fucking panty liners all over me.

- [OZZY] What's a panty liner?

- What you put in when you have a period.

- Oh, that's fucking great.

That'll get a few more people to watch.

- He said that I should make this my priority

and if I make it my priority it'll be a better show.

- [OZZY] Meaning, what does that mean?

- That he thinks that I'm obviously not working hard.

- [KELLY] Then don't do a third season, and quit.

- I'm not going to, I am quitting.

- [OZZY] When?

- [SHARON] Before I get fired.

- Are they gonna fire you?

- I think so.

I think I'm gonna get fired daddy.

(dog barking)

- [OZZY] Shut up.

- I need you to come with me

to do the show Ozzy.

- I'm not doing next week's show.

- So, listen, when you do the show,

you'll just be a guest.

- Oh Shars, it's not my gig.

- [SHARON] It's fun.

- Ow, you fucking bit my ass

you fucking asshole.

- [TONY] You sat on him.

That's Martin's place.

(upbeat music)

(knocking on door)

- Jack.

Jack.

Jack Osbourne.

I'm here, RTG, rise and shine, time to go.

Feet on the floor.

- [WORKER] Who's gonna take the center spot?

- [WORKER] Hey, the center.

(speaking in a foreign language)

- Okay, on tres.

(speaking in a foreign language)

- [WORKER] If anybody has a problem, just say something.

If the pallet...

The pallet weighs...

You guys are gonna be the back in about two seconds.

(dog barking)

(slow Asian music)

(speaking in a foreign language)

- [JACK] They've been moving the Buddha.

- [TRAINER] The Buddha.

- [JACK] They put it out there

and it's the funniest thing,

it's like this fucking floating Buddha

with all these like 900 men around it,

trying to lift it.

(suspenseful music)

- Fucking hell.

(speaking in a foreign language)

Six million dollar Buddha.

The Buddha.

(speaking in a foreign language)

I want it at the front.

(upbeat music)

Wow, a Buddha.

I gotta learn Buddhism now.

(upbeat music)

- So, is it tough doing a show every week?

- I love it.

♪ Monday morning feels so bad ♪

Oh for God sake.

♪ Everybody seems to nag me ♪

Who's her publicist?

♪ Coming Tuesday I feel better ♪

- Here's a thought, how about if Ozzy co-hosts this show.

♪ Even my old man looks good ♪

- This is the show he wants to do.

♪ Wednesday just won't go ♪

- He'd be co-hosting.

♪ Thursday goes too slow ♪

- He's not gonna co-host.

♪ Friday on my mind ♪

Ozzy'll stay, be a guest.

♪ Gonna happen in my city ♪

- [OZZY] But, I don't want to.

- [SHARON] You fucking ass.

- I am fucking done.

I don't wanna go.

I don't wanna do it, I'm not doing it.

- Please.

- No.

- Please. - No.

- Please.

- [OZZY] I ain't doing it.

I won't do it.

(upbeat music)

- Ow.

- Kelly, take your hair out of your face.

- [OZZY] You look like a fucking sheep dog.

- You do look like a sheep dog.

- [OZZY] Kelly, take your fucking hair out of your face.

- [KELLY] No.

- You look like a fucking,

you know sniff another dog's ass and make love.

How old are you, this birthday, Kel?

- You're never gonna let me grow up anyways

so it doesn't matter how old I am.

I'm gonna be 50 and you're still gonna

make me live here.

- Oh daddy, please.

- Oh Sharon, please.

- [SHARON] Come on the show with me.

- I'm not going to the fucking show.

- [KELLY] You know you're going, so deal with it.

- But then I'll have to walk in on my own.

- But you never told me darling.

You never, ever told me the full,

I'll be at the fucking foot of the steps.

She has a tendency to do that.

She tells you a little bit of the story

and as the days go on, you get a little bit more.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

You gotta stand in a bath of fucking ice water

with no clothes on.

- Daddy, it's up to you.

You make your own mind up.

It's up to you, whether you wanna come with your wife,

or you wanna leave her on her own.

- [OZZY] It's your fucking show.

- Daddy, that's the whole thing.

You can't leave me go walk in there unescorted.

- [OZZY] I can.

- Mom, don't give him a guilt trip, okay?

'cause you lie.

- Kelly, shut up.

You are such a drama queen.

- No, but it's so true.

- [OZZY] There's somebody there fucking catching you.

- It's all right, I'll go on my own.

- Sharon.

(slow music)

All right Sharon, I'll come.

I'm gonna be a guest on Sharon's show

'cause I'm the reserve team.

Sharon asked me to do it

and I agreed to do it.

Me and my big mouth.

- [SHARON] Dennis Rodman's on.

- What?

- [SHARON] Dennis Rodman and Shannon Dougherty

or what's her name?

- Who?

- [SHARON] Shannon Dougherty.

- Shannon Dougherty, who the fuck's Sharon Dougherty?

- [SHARON] Shannon.

- Shannon.

- [SHARON] Yes.

- I don't know, never heard of her before.

- Shannon Dougherty, you'll know who she is, look.

- Oh yeah.

Let's have a look.

What's that?

- [SHARON] A crotch.

- What's that up her crotch?

- [SHARON] Her knickers.

- Oh.

- [SHARON] She's a naughty girl, Shannon.

- [OZZY] Shannon's my kind of girl.

- [SHARON] She's ever so pretty, look.

- I can't see her fucking face.

I see her vagina and a left tit

and I can't see her face.

(upbeat music)

- Ozzy, wait til you see the special effects,

you'll love it.

So, let's go this way Ozzy.

- Now, this is very simple.

This is a dull blade.

So, it's not sharp at all

and there's a little squeeze bulb

so what you can do is literally,

drag it across and just push down on the bulb

and the blood comes out.

- [ASSISTANT] Oh my god.

Have a go, have a go.

Shar, did Sharon see this?

- You need to squeeze and...

- [ASSISTANT] Oh my god, brilliant.

- [WORKER] We may be out of blood already.

- [ASSISTANT] We have to reload the blood.

- Oh, that's disgusting.

- [ASSISTANT] Isn't it awesome?

It's brilliant Ozzy, and you do it really good.

'cause you got that, look at his face right after,

I love it.

We're gonna show you the set

and here you are Ozzy, right here on the pumpkin.

Carved into a pumpkin.

- Wow.

- So, these people are gonna be on the show.

And this is where you'll be doing the show from.

You're co-hosting.

- [OZZY] What are you talking about?

- Well, I believe Sharon's here and you're here.

Here's your throne.

- [OZZY] I thought I was just gonna be a guest

on the show.

- Well, we're gonna change it around

when guests come out

but in the first segment it's just you guys.

- Co-host.

(upbeat music)

You gotta start telling me what's going on Sharon.

You can't just give me that much of the story.

- [SHARON] What's the matter?

- [OZZY] I thought I was just gonna be a guest.

- [SHARON] But you are a guest.

- [OZZY] I'm not a guest, I'm a co-host.

I agreed to do the show

'cause I thought I was just gonna be a guest on the show.

Not doing the whole fucking show.

I'm just, I'm overwhelmed you know.

I can't do this anymore.

- But you're here so you might as well stay with me.

- Yeah, but I've gotta, I've gotta,

Sharon you got,

I've got a nervous disposition.

I thought I was gonna go say a few things and go home

and I thought I was gonna go on and off.

I agreed to help you out with the show

and then I end up doing the fucking show.

It's not fair to me Sharon.

That's not what I wanted to do, you know.

- [SHARON] Don't be miserable Ozzy,

we'll have fun out there.

- It's really not fair of you Sharon.

You're really out of order boo.

(upbeat music)

- What's Sharon gonna be for Halloween?

- [OZZY] I don't have a clue.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Ha ha, it's a surprise to you too, eh?

- [OZZY] The whole thing is a surprise to me.

♪ Time and time again ♪

- Ozzy, did you see what we have in our room?

♪ I need someone to care ♪

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Do you want a drink, Oz?

- [OZZY] No, thanks.

- [SHARON] Darling, do you want something to eat?

- No thank you.

- Do you want some tea?

- No, thanks.

- Some herby tea, peppermint.

- No, thank you.

- No?

- Let's go into Shannon first.

- You look amazing.

- [SHARON] How are you?

- I'm good.

- [SHARON] I can't even say your name.

Dogherty.

- Yeah.

- [SHARON] Shannon Dougherty.

- [DIRECTOR] Uh, Dennis, I have someone

who wanted to say hi to you.

Morticia.

- Now what's up with you?

Are we having a wobbler today?

Are you having a little fit?

- [DENNIS] No, no.

- What's up with you?

Wanna fight?

- [DENNIS] It's up to you.

- Huh?

- [DENNIS] It's up to you.

- What's up?

You're mean today.

You're pissed off.

- I'm not pissed off.

- Yeah, you are.

What the fuck's the matter with you?

What the fuck is the matter with you?

- I'll put a happy face when I go out there.

Ask me anything.

Ask me anything you want.

- Anything?

- Anything.

- All right.

- What time we going on?

- [SHARON] When you're ready, I wait for you.

- [DENNIS] Okay.

- Okay?

Cheer up you.

Okay.

- [DENNIS] Don't worry about it.

I'll be out there, ready to go.

Thank you.

- [SHARON] Don't give me no shit out there.

- [DIRECTOR] So, we go right in here.

Go right in the elevator here, to my office.

- Who's office is this?

- [ASSISTANT] Oh, it's Corinne's.

- Who's?

- [ASSISTANT] Corrine's.

- [MELINDA] I wish Kelly was here to see you.

- [SHARON] I look like a drag queen.

I do.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] What do you think Morticia looks like?

- That looks so cute on her.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] One of 'em's just shit

in Corrine's office.

- [SHARON] Fuck off chucklehead.

Let me hide it.

Fucking mad.

No, no, no, keep her out.

Keep her out.

- I gave my tail and whip to someone.

Oh there we go.

Thanks guys.

(upbeat music)

- [OZZY] What are you doing?

(everyone laughing)

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Sharon, you really gotta love your dog.

- I fucking smell.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Let's go in your office.

- Who's got some spray.

No, get it out of here.

- [TONY] No, she's gonna see me.

- [SHARON] Go through that door.

She'll go fucking nuts.

(everyone laughing)

She's gonna die.

- [ASSISTANT] I think she's gonna smell it.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] Let's evacuate.

- [OZZY] Another one.

- It's really smoky out here in front

so just watch your step when you're coming out,

when you do your initial walk.

Five seconds, standby, have a good show.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

(audience applauding)

- I want you all to give

a very, very special welcome to my husband

because I fibbed to him to get him here today.

(audience applauding)

Ozzy is here for the Halloween show

along with Shannon Dougherty and Dennis Rodman

and more scary stuff, did I fuck up on that name again?

- [PRODUCER] All right guys, standby.

Thank you, stand by.

- [SHARON] Dogherty.

- [DIRECTOR] Dougherty.

- [SHARON] D-O...

- Dougherty.

- [DIRECTOR] Shannon Dougherty.

- [SHARON] Dough er ty.

- Dougherty.

- [DIRECTOR] Dougherty, you said it right

when she came out.

- [SHARON] Dougherty.

- [DIRECTOR] Perfect, perfect.

- Ozzy is here for the Halloween show

along with Sharon, fuck, bollocks.

- [PRODUCER] Stand by, we go right away, stand by.

- I know, I keep, I hate names.

- It's not fucking Dockerty.

- Dogherty.

- [DIRECTOR] Cut the smoke.

- [PRODUCER] Cut the smoke.

- I'm dying here.

- [PRODUCER] Cut the smoke.

- Ozzy is here for the Halloween show

along with Shannon...

- Shannon Dougherty.

- Dennis Rodman, and more scary stuff.

See you on Sharon.

- Trick or Treat.

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

- She says to me yesterday,

we got no guests.

Will you mind coming in on the show?

I said okay.

It would be rather professional

if someone would let me know

a few more hours before the fucking thing

was supposed to happen.

- [TONY] I thought Sharon had told you about it.

- Nobody tells me, fuck all.

- [TONY] And tomorrow, do you want me to tell you

what's happening tomorrow Oz?

- Please do.

- [TONY] Okay, you got an interview with The Daily Mirror

for 45 minutes.

The stylist...

- What stylist?

- [TONY] You know Brooke?

- No.

- [TONY] Okay, well she's coming over,

do you some measurements to get you

some outfits for Europe if you do this TV work.

- For what?

- [DIRECTOR] Okay, everybody's very happy.

Okay, action.

- Hello Possum's, don't miss my gorgeous show.

I've got wonderful guests.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

(horns honking)

- Jack's gone for his driving test.

- [WORKER] Now, you can begin your written test.

- What are you gonna do, he's trying.

- [INSTRUCTOR] Do you know your arm signals?

- Arm signals, uh, hold on,

give me a second.

I forgot, sorry.

- [INSTRUCTOR] Are you nervous?

- I'm all right.

- I am, I don't know if he can drive.

- [JACK] Oh my god.

- Nobody tells me fuck all.