Original subtitles

(pleasant music) (birds chirping)

- [KELLY] Oh my god!

(Sharon groans)

Lay something over it.

(smoke alarm beeping)

- [SHARON] No, no, no.

No, no.

(dog barks)

- What's smoking, Sharon?

- [KELLY] What the fuck is that?

- Dinner.

(theatrical music)

♪ Crazy, hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(pleasant music) (birds chirping)

- I didn't break my foot, I broke my shin bone.

It's so stupid, I got out the shower

and I slipped in the bathroom and I broke my foot.

(metal clinking)

It's really, really awfully painful.

The doctor said rest your legs.

I mean, the thing is that I'm a human being

and I can only do what God gives me

(Lola slurping)

(dramatic music)

I'm on so much medication,

I shouldn't be drinking alcohol, period.

(liquid sloshing)

What do you say we go for another walk?

I'll take her for a walk.

- No, Dad.

- [KELLY] You can't walk, Daddy.

- I'll take her.

- [KELLY] Dad, Jack will take the dog.

- No, I'll take the dog for a walk,

because if I don't take the dog for a walk,

he'll never go for a walk,

he'll be looking at the fucking television

and looking around.

I'll take the dog for a fucking walk, okay?

- [KELLY] Dad, that was really rude.

- I don't care, I'm just Ozzy, I'm just fucking crazy.

- [SHARON] Jack!

Jack!

- [JACK] Yes, Mom.

- [SHARON] Could you please get yourself to go with him?

- [JACK] Mom, what do you think I just tried to say?

- He's stoned.

Is he singing?

(Ozzy singing indistinctly)

- Oh, fuck off.

(upbeat music)

- Dad.

Go back to the house.

- I think I've got them revved up today, don't you think?

You think I've got them all revved up today?

Thanksgiving, fuck, I hate it.

- [SHARON] Daddy, please, don't.

It's Thanksgiving.

- [OZZY] I know.

- [SHARON] I don't wanna argue.

- [OZZY] Thanksgiving means fuck all to me.

(birds chirping)

(footsteps treading)

(door slams)

(alarm wailing)

Fucking thing, man.

What up, Kel?

Are you pissed off?

- [KELLY] A little.

- [OZZY] With me?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- [OZZY] Okay.

Are you all right, Jack?

- [JACK] Yeah.

- [OZZY] Are you pissed off with me as well?

- [JACK] No.

- What?

What's that, Jack?

- [JACK] Stuffing.

(TV beeping)

♪ Deck the hall with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- Oh, fuck off.

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- [DOCTOR] Just relax your ankle for a second.

Any pain around here?

- [OZZY] No.

- [DOCTOR] Any pain up along here?

- [OZZY] No.

- [DOCTOR] Do you have any pain when I squeeze that?

- No.

- Just right there a little bit?

- A little bit, not much.

- The problem is if you come out of the boot too early,

the bone's gonna break apart again,

and you're gonna be in there longer.

(theatrical music)

♪ I'm feeling like Mr. Lucky today ♪

- I reckon this is my room.

- Yes, sir.

♪ Things seem to be going my way ♪

♪ The reason I've got this big smile on my face ♪

♪ I don't get caught up in the whole rat race ♪

- It's a simple song,

I just wanted to keep the fucking video simple,

don't want some fucking bats and fucking shit.

- I think it's super.

- I think it's amazing and it's gonna read clean.

- [SHARON] Would you not just try it on?

- No, I don't want to.

I don't wanna wear it.

- If you try it on, because the coat is gorgeous,

we could just take it off.

- [OZZY] I don't want to try it on,

I don't like the coat.

- [SHARON] Will you try it on, please?

- No.

- Try it on.

- I told you before I wouldn't do that.

I don't want any bats,

I don't want anything to do with bats.

I'm sick to death of these fucking blooming bats.

That's all my fucking career is

about a fucking bat. (dog barks)

(theatrical music)

- [DIRECTOR] All right,

move it down here slowly. (jazz music)

- Let's go and see everybody in the world.

Come on!

All right, who had a good Thanksgiving?

- Absolutely wonderful.

(dramatic music)

- Fuck you.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Do you want to see back one of the takes?

- Yeah, I'd love to.

- Have you seen that fucking gay bat coat

I've got in my dressing room?

- I haven't seen it.

- Oh, man, I wanted it to be plain,

I look like I'm gonna jump out the fucking window.

♪ I'm just a dreamer ♪

This is really not good, Sharon.

I look like I'm in fucking agony.

- Yeah, we're gonna put you on the floor.

- Laying face down.

♪ I'm just a dreamer ♪

(director laughs)

I mean, that's hardly casual,

dreamer with a fucking skull on my chest.

- I've got a plain black shirt.

- I said that the first time.

- All right, I'll give you a plain black shirt.

We want a plain black, (quirky music)

do we have a plain black long-sleeved?

(dishes clanking)

Ozzy, I'm putting the dog bowl down, okay?

Don't put your foot in it, okay?

It's this side.

- Why don't you have the dog bowl over there?

- It doesn't belong over there, it belongs there.

- But then when people sit down to have a sandwich,

they put their foot in the fucking bowl.

- Only you.

- No, darling, it's not just only me.

It's only me that cleans the fucking thing up.

(cat slurping) (dramatic music)

- It's just like, okay, what really bothers me

is when I open a magazine and read something on my brother

and it never says anything about me,

it's always like, "Jack's working at Epic," right?

And it makes me feel like I do nothing,

and I'm such a fucking loser kid.

I have nothing to show for my achievements

of anything that I do, right?

And in actual fact-

- But Kelly, you don't need other people's-

- No, no, I know that.

But in actual fact,

I found the band that Jack got the development deal.

Me and my friends did.

And all this stupid shit.

And it's just like, do I get any credit for it?

No.

- Should I go say hello or should I not say hello to him?

- I don't care, I mean, you're friends with him.

(dramatic music)

He's suck a cocksucker.

- I'm such a cocksucker?

- [KELLY] Yes, you are a cocksucker.

- You can get out of my fucking room.

- I'm not in your room.

(door clicks)

Dad, I hate Jack.

- What are you saying?

What are you saying about him?

- [KELLY] I hate Jack.

- Oh, don't be stupid.

- [KELLY] No, he's such a dick.

- Just take no notice.

- No, but it's like, Dad, can I tell you why I'm mad at him?

Will you listen to me, please?

- Okay, I'll listen.

- You know how Jack wants to be like Mr. Music Man

and be in music-

- I can't hear you.

You know when Jack wants to-

- You know how Jack wants to be in the music business

and do what Mom does eventually someday?

- Yes, yes, yes, I'm with you.

- And he's been working at Epic and whatever.

- Yes.

- And the first band that he helped or whatever, I found.

But he didn't give me or my friends who found them

any credit for it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- [OZZY] What do you want me to do?

- [KELLY] No, but listen, all right?

- If you can't work it out, ignore it.

What can you do about it?

What do you want me to do about it?

You know what you should do, Kel,

and I'm not being sarcastic.

- [MELINDA] Hi.

- You should try and get your own thing going.

- I don't want my own thing going.

I would just really appreciate some fucking credit.

You don't know what it's like, Dad.

- Well then, Kelly,

what the fuck do you want me to do, Kelly?

Do you want me to go and say something to him?

What do you want me to do, Kelly?

- [KELLY] You said that I'm talking about not doing anything

and if I want to do something I can do it myself.

You're not even helping me.

- Wobbler.

- She just started going on off me just making up shit

like she found Delusion and all this stuff.

- Ozzy, let me tell you something.

I can't sort it out.

Please, leave each other alone, deaf each other.

(Ozzy speaking indistinctly)

Well, just leave each other alone.

(bowl rattles)

- Fucking bastard dog bowl, man.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] Oh, it's just a bowl.

- Fucking dogs, man.

(bowl clatters)

You know, I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars

on this place, I can't even get a fucking mop.

(planter shattering)

(cat meows)

- [JACK] Dad, go this way.

Dad, this way.

- [OZZY] I'm sick to death of living in a fucking dump.

Everybody needs a break from time to time.

You have your family around you 365 days a year,

every minute of the day,

and you just want some quiet time for yourself sometimes.

- [NARRATOR] But fame can be fleeting.

(dog barks)

And traps such as the Goddess Osiris.

But although her temple is still-

- Ozzy doesn't want us to come.

Daddy wants us to stay.

- [ASSISTANT] Do you know if he's kidding?

- So shall we stay and then go to England on Saturday?

- What about his birthday?

- He doesn't want us to be there.

- Dad, you don't want us to be there for your birthday?

(dog barking)

Dad, you don't want us to be there for your birthday?

- No.

- Why?

- I don't want you to go anymore,

we can't afford it, got no dough.

(jazzy music)

♪ Pack my bags, today's the today ♪

♪ You know I'll be on my way ♪

♪ So kiss me goodbye, I'm hitting the road ♪

- He was so sweet and so kind and nice when he woke up,

and loving, and I just felt so bad

that he had to go out there and finish this tour,

and I wanted him to stay.

♪ Heading south, I need a tan ♪

♪ Send you postcards when I can ♪

♪ So kiss me goodbye, I'm hitting the road ♪

- That really pisses me off

that Dad doesn't want us to come with him,

it was like insulting.

He does this for attention (Jack burps)

every time he goes on tour.

And then three days later,

(dog barks)

"I miss you guys, come out here."

(phone ringing)

Hello?

It's Kelly, hi, Daddy.

- [OZZY] Hi, darling.

- [KELLY] How are you doing?

- All right, I just got here.

- [KELLY] Is it cold?

- [OZZY] It's colder than a witch's tit.

No, it's absolutely...

It's like beyond cold.

All right, love you, bye.

(crowd cheering)

This is rule number fucking one.

The crazier you motherfuckers go,

the crazier Ozzy Osbourne goes, okay?

(crowd cheering)

What about you?

(upbeat music) (crowd cheering)

You know what they said, you gotta sing better.

The fuck you gave me the right show, man.

Fuck you, I'm gonna fucking rock tonight, man.

♪ Again ♪

♪ Again ♪

(upbeat music)

- Where's the chocolate?

- Oh, got the chocolate.

- I was having withdrawals on the plane.

- We're here in Chicago,

'cause it's our dad's birthday on Monday.

And he told us basically to fuck off

and he didn't want us coming, but we're surprising him.

And if he finds out we're here before his birthday,

he's gonna go mental.

- What are you doing, Jack?

- Hanging out in the background.

- Shut up, sit down.

- [DOORMAN] Are you settled in okay?

- Yeah, thank you.

- And he's pissed off with me.

He's not talking to me,

so if he sees me before his birthday

and before there's kind of like an audience around

to save me, he'll be pissed off that we're here.

- Why?

- Yeah.

- Why is he pissed at you though?

'Cause the house?

- Yeah.

- Why, 'cause you spend too much money on it?

- Yeah.

So we're just gonna have a nice low key dinner.

Kelly!

- [KELLY] What?

- I dropped my collar down the toilet.

My Valentino mink stole

fell down the toilet. - Well, you know what,

it should've fallen down the fucking toilet.

You should never buy mink.

- Good evening.

(elevator dings)

It smells like an old crouch now,

it's been down the toilet.

Smell it.

- [JACK] No, fuck you.

- I'd rather not, thanks.

- Disgusting. - Let me smell it actually.

- I want to get rid of the fucking garlic.

Oh, it smells so bad.

- [KELLY] Don't ask me to smell your breath

because it'll still make me throw up.

No, I'm not kidding, Mom, I'm serious.

- Wouldn't it be terrible if we get here

and we come all this way and he doesn't wanna see us?

- Well, I don't get why we came anyway

if we're not sure if we're wanted or not.

- 'Cause we love him.

- 'Cause it's love, Kelly.

- He's a bastard if he doesn't want us here.

- Kelly, stop that crock. - Yeah, grow up.

(upbeat music)

- Thank you, goodnight, God bless you all!

(crowd cheering)

- Ozzy's sitting here with us,

talk about a kick butt show

here at the Big Al tonight.

- [INTERVIEWER] I was just gonna ask you,

how are you feeling, how's the leg doing?

- Well, I'm not one of these guys

that can sit around getting better, you know?

When I've had like two weeks at home

I've gotta get back on the road, you know?

- Gotta rock and roll, you bet.

- What's up, man?

- Whoo!

- What would you do if you got storm stayed in Grand Forks

for another three days?

- I mean, everybody goes on about the cold

and can it get any colder, man?

It's not the end of the world.

You know, I'd rather be here than in Afghanistan right now.

(upbeat music)

- [KELLY] Okay, Jack, come on.

- Shut up, I'm writing his fucking card!

- Well, you've been on the phone

talking about fucking car rims for the last 20 minutes.

Ow.

Jack, Dad is on his way downstairs, we have to meet him.

Jack, you seriously have

some anger management control problems.

- You know Jack does that.

Come on.

He'll give us some foil in the restaurant

if we get there early.

Jackie, they've give it to us there.

- [KELLY] Here's your goddamn tin foil.

- Ah, yes.

- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Get in the car.

- All right, get in the car. - That's very kind.

- Jack likes to wrap presents in tin foil.

- You don't have to wrap it, Jack.

(foil crinkling)

- [KELLY] Happy birthday, Dad.

- You've got a bow.

Oh, you've put it on there.

(upbeat music)

That's very nice, Jack.

- I really can't stay out too late

'cause I'm absolutely exhausted.

- [INTERVIEWER] Well, I just saw your birthday

listed on CNN.

- [OZZY] Yeah.

- [INTERVIEWER] You share it with Andy Williams.

- [OZZY] Oh, great.

Andy Williams, fuck me, bitch.

- 'Cause I know he's gonna be like,

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

- All right, Kel. (group laughing)

(group applauding) (group laughing)

(glasses clinking)

- [OZZY] How did you get here?

- [SHARON] What?

- How did you get here?

- [SHARON] We've been hiding from you all day.

- Have you really?

Where's the babies?

(shutter clicks)

(group laughing)

Where were you hiding from me today?

- The room.

- In the hotel?

- [KELLY] Oh, really?

- [JACK] We're like two floors below you.

- [KELLY] That's good.

- You bastards.

- [KELLY] Okay.

- "To the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy."

- The Prince of Darkness poop scooper.

(group laughing)

This is the new sign.

I didn't want to come tonight.

I was trying to get out of it, you know?

(singer scatting) (upbeat music)

(shutter clicking)

- Dad, happy birthday.

- Thank you.

The bible?

- Mean old man.

(Ozzy and Sharon laughing)

- I love you.

- I love you.

Ozzy, get your ass back here.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Dad!

- [SHARON] Ozzy, get your ass back here,

you miserable old sock.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ (group applauding)

♪ Happy birthday, dear Ozzy ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Jason Dill broke up with his girlfriend

and went to this house where Mike was staying out,

got kicked out, and now is staying here with me.

(Jason burping) (upbeat music)

- I don't know where he come from or how he met him.

- He's a professional skater.

- I'm a fucking pro skateboarding, Sharon.

Don't talk down to me.

- He comes in and he scratches his fucking head,

and he walks around my house,

and there's a couch moving.

"It's Jason, man."

Jason, who?

Who the fuck's Jason?

- [KELLY] Ow, Dill!

- This is very nice.

I'm gonna take a piss in it and put it back.

- Mom, are you nuts?

Don't you dare, Mom.

Mom!

(logo laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Oh, fuck off.