Original subtitles

- [SHARON] Who knows how to make this thing work?

- [OZZY] You turn it on and then it'll work.

- [KELLY] Mom, how come you don't know how

to work the vacuum?

- Okay.

Ah, here we go, no.

- Would you like me to show you

how to work the vacuum?

- [SHARON] Please.

- You plugged it in, right?

- [SHARON] Yeah, I plugged it in.

- You step on that it's supposed to work.

- [OZZY] No, it don't.

- That's not a button.

How come none of us know how to work this?

(vacuum revving)

- You get it working?

Fucking hate the sound of a vacuum.

(vacuum revving)

Turn the fucking thing off.

It's driving me mad, man.

♪ Crazy, hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people, living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe, it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love, and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

It's like fucking Dr. Doolittle fucking actually.

(dogs growling)

The smell of success.

(dogs growling)

(dog barking)

(upbeat music)

(door slamming)

Oh fucking hell.

Lola.

Lola.

Lola.

Out, out, out.

Lola, Lola, come on man.

Sharon.

Sharon.

Fucking dogs man, they shit every fucking where man.

- [SHARON] What?

- What it's not fucking right down here.

What really pisses me off,

we paid all this money to have this house renovated

and the dogs,

you might as well just live in a fucking circus.

The dogs piss everywhere.

- [SHARON] Kelly just called me from the pet shop.

- No, no, forget it, no.

- [SHARON] Aren't you interested?

- If it's a living thing, no.

- It was a boy cat.

- Sharon please, please will you listen to me?

You get a boy cat in this fucking house

and it will destroy the house.

Cat piss is the fucking worst, please.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- No cat, no more, we got enough.

Please baby.

- No, I'm not gonna let her get it, okay?

- Can't afford it actually.

- [SHARON] All right, I'm just nipping out.

- Please don't let her buy the cat boo.

Please don't let her get it.

- I won't, okay?

- Promise me boo.

- I promise you.

- With all your heart.

- [SHARON] With all my heart.

I'll call you, try and pick up the phone.

- I'm begging of you Sharon.

I'm begging you, no more animals, please boo.

- No animals.

I'm not bringing back an animal.

I love animals.

The top diva in the house is Minnie.

She rules the roost.

Minnie can do anything and then we have Maggie,

who's next in line.

Maggie I call heroine chic.

And then next is Crazy Baby.

We changed her name from New Baby to Crazy Baby.

She's a bit neurotic.

And then there's Pip, and then we have the gay one, Martini.

Martini Bianca.

We have Puss, then we have Lulu.

She grunts a lot 'cause she's got very big.

Looks like a seal.

Lola is very big, boisterous,

and adorable but um...

- Get off the fucking, oh my god.

She demolished the fucking seat.

The Osbourne family is a great family

at wasting money and saying,

well maybe we have too many dogs

and we'll throw the cats in just for fun.

Fucking hell.

Sharon.

- [SHARON] Jack.

- What?

- [SHARON] The dog ate the fucking chair.

Look at the chair.

She ate the fucking cushion.

- [JACK] Lola?

- [SHARON] Lola did.

- Fuck.

- You're gonna have to fucking dye her pink

because if he comes back here

and sees that dog...

Oh, there it is.

It's so lovely.

- We're not gonna have two cats in this house.

- No, no I am going to get it well

and then put it in a cat rescue.

- No you won't.

You'll end up keeping it.

- I'm not gonna keep it.

- Fucking so dysfunctional.

- Hey, excuse me.

That fucking chair is dysfunctional, okay?

That's dysfunctional.

Look at the shit on the floor.

- You know why my dog's dysfunctional?

Because it's like me, it's angry at you.

- [SHARON] Angry at me?

For what?

- He knew about the cat.

She knew about the cat

and she's pissed off, just like me.

Notice how she only started getting really mean

when Pippy came along and the cat.

Remember in Malibu when she first came back?

Perfect angel, then we got Pippy, we got the cat,

then it went pissed off.

- [SHARON] I used to walk her in fucking Malibu.

- Shut the fuck up.

- [SHARON] Right?

Hi Pippy, hi.

- Can I feed Pippy to the coyotes?

- Hey, let's talk about Lola and her fucking one way ticket.

- [JACK] Let's not.

Let's talk about Minnie's and her

ticket to the freeway.

- Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

Never, never, never.

I feel like breaking into song

every time I see her.

Jack, if he sees that dog.

- Is he coming?

- [SHARON] Yes, yes, yes.

- Going to show me the stray cat.

- It's about to get into the cage

'cause we put a can of tuna in there.

- Then we'll kill him.

That steam room is nowhere near as good

as the old one.

Keep saying I want more of a powerful jet

and they said it's impossible to get.

- In California, they make you put this thing

inside the shower head so it restricts

how much water pressure to save water.

When they fuck off, we'll take it off

and adjust it.

- No we won't, no we won't.

We won't break the law, okay there Sharon?

- Ozzy, I don't know what it is with bulldogs.

It's really the luck of the draw.

- I can't stand to see the dog be left alone, you know.

- [SHARON] I do like Lola, I really do.

- Darling, don't get me wrong sweetheart.

I adore Lola, it's she don't like me.

She's trying to destroy me.

Have you seen what your dog did to the chair?

- [JACK] Yes.

- Isn't there a fucking boot camp for dogs?

- Yeah there is.

Josh sent his dog there.

- [SHARON] She needs a fucking good booting.

- Why can't we get like you know,

get like Lassie type dogs who do tricks?

Now mind you, I'm mad, so I'm not picking up another turd.

I'm a rock star.

Animals are just like kids.

They need constant attention.

(upbeat music)

- Look at this, do you want to see a trick?

(upbeat music)

(dog barking)

Did anybody, anybody feed the dogs today?

- No, they can do without a day of food.

- Don't be ridiculous.

Did anybody feed the dogs?

- No.

Mom.

- [SHARON] What?

- I've got something to tell you.

My thong is so far up my crack right now,

I couldn't even pull it out.

- I'll cut it off.

Let me cut it off Kelly.

Kelly, you get yeast infections from that,

did you know that?

- [KELLY] I have never had a yeast infection in my life.

- Well, you fucking will missy.

I don't know how anyone can wear that

and think it's comfortable, darling.

- It's not.

It's so you don't see your underwear line.

- Who cares?

I think to see an underwear line is sexy.

- Mom, Amy wears a thong every single day

and right now she is wearing a thong of mine.

It's been up my crack and now it's up her crack

and I'm not down with that.

- Who's piss?

Who's pissed on my fucking carpet?

That bastard fucking dog man.

I'm gonna throw it in the fucking pool.

Where is it?

Get the fuck out of my house,

you fucking, get the fuck out,

go on, get the fuck out.

It's that fucking terrorist.

He's fucking part of Bin Laden's gang.

Why do they do it Sharon?

What's the deal man?

- [SHARON] They like pissing on fucking antique rugs,

what can I tell you?

- [OZZY] It's like a fucking...

- [SHARON] Pissing contest.

- Gotta work on this fucking rug.

I mean that fucking, he comes in and takes

a massive piss.

It's not like a little squirt, no, no, no.

Must have a fucking extra tank in it's ass.

- [SHARON] It's like a camel.

- Just press down on it.

Don't rub it.

Press down.

Okay use my fuck, don't use your own fucking towel.

Use the Ozzy Osbourne one.

- [JACK] Lola, what are you chewing?

- [KELLY] Lola.

- [JACK] Look how cool that is.

Look how cool that dog is.

- Jack, 2:30 tonight curfew.

- Why not five?

- [SHARON] No drinking Kelly.

- [KELLY] I am the designated driver.

(police sirens)

- Large coffee this morning.

(door slamming)

I love the smell of armpits in the morning.

It's like victory.

What's in your hair Kel, chewing gum or something?

- It's a flower.

- [OZZY] Oh, I thought it was chewing gum.

- Kelly, you have to take care, promise me.

- Mom, there's nothing I can do.

I got a ticket so they put the point on my license.

That's it.

- Yeah, you have to go to driver's school.

- Yeah, but you only have like

a three week period to do that.

- [OZZY] What did you get a ticket for?

- Not coming to a complete stop at the stop sign.

- [JACK] Says you got two points, Kel.

- No, I have one point.

It says if I get another point within 12 months

that I could get my license taken away

but all my friends have like seven points

and they've not had their licenses taken away.

- Geez, it's one point Kelly, you've got to spare.

(camera clicking)

- She's fucked.

- No, someone told me that,

if there's clearly no one coming

you just have to yield.

- Do you know what's really funny about this,

is that knowing me, they would probably like,

if I got another point,

they'd make an example of me

and like take my license away.

- Maybe you have to drive without your car.

- No.

- No?

- I'm pretty shit, but I'm all right.

- Sharon, sit.

You can train the dog to balance balls

on it's fucking head but he can't open the door.

- And he can't fucking shit outside.

- You know the door was open,

wide open yesterday and the dog

took a massive crap there.

- [SHARON] Was that last night?

And it stayed there?

- No, Jack didn't pick it up.

- I picked it up.

No you're not, you're the bestest husband

and father in the world and we love you.

- I feel like I'm invisible again.

- Oh shut up. - Stop.

- [KELLY] Hannah.

- [HANNAH] Kelly.

(slow music)

- [TV] Sea monsters are also mentioned in the bible.

In the book of Psalms a multi headed sea serpent

is killed by god and used to feed the Israelites.

- I'll get that for you

as soon as I finish getting ready.

- No, now.

'cause you said that to me the other day.

- But who let the dog out?

- Jack, shut up.

♪ Who let the dog out ♪

Shut up and clean it up now.

Jack, I'm not laughing,

clean it up now.

- You're doing the hoochie momma right there.

- [SHARON] I'll be more than the fucking hoochie mamma.

(slow music)

- Oh shit.

That's tough.

Did you meet my dad.

- [ELIJAH] No, we didn't officially meet.

- [KELLY] Dad, this is Elijah.

- [JACK] Dad, this is Elijah.

- How are you.

- Nice to meet you, thank you.

- I'm doing great.

- [ELIJAH] I'm Hannah's brother.

- We're gonna go see Billy Corgin's new band.

Billy Corgin, Smashing Pumpkins.

- Oh.

- How is a dog that looks like that named Lola?

That's what I wanna know.

- Because it's such a cute name.

- Yeah, some of it is a bit poppy, you know?

Like the machine sound

which I'm not hugely into.

- Mom, I thought they really sucked by the way.

- Oh, you're prejudiced, listen Kelly.

- I'm not prejudiced, I just thought

it was very boring.

It was very boring.

It was like elevator background music.

It was like boring.

- Oh no, Jack quick.

Oh my god.

- [JACK] She just did that.

- [SHARON] Jack, Jack, pissed on my new couch.

Jack, I can't take this anymore.

- [KELLY] Get rid of the dog.

- [JACK] Get rid of you.

- It doesn't smell that bad.

- [HANNAH] Oh, you're over there, that's why,

come over here.

- Is it really bad?

I don't wanna go there.

- Well, I can, I can,

all right, move, I'll help.

- Mine don't piss on sofas.

- Well, she's a puppy.

She's a year old.

- It's fun, join the fun.

- [ELIJAH] Okay.

- [JACK] It's a fun activity.

(upbeat music)

- You attack people.

(dogs barking)

- Stop it.

(dogs barking)

(upbeat music)

It's all right.

Oh my god.

She just fucking foamed at me.

- Last night we had made up,

we had made the decision that Lola had to go

because she...

- No, is she going?

- She shit last night

like I've never seen shit in my life

and she shit in my room

and in the kid's playroom.

It was like a fucking alien on the floor

and so, I had decided, and Ozzy,

that this is it.

This dog has to go.

She just has to go.

But then as Ozzy's walking down the stairs to leave

he goes, don't get rid of Lola, I love her.

- You can't mom.

I don't get you.

You can't just get rid of a dog

that like you've grown to love.

Oh, it's all right, bye.

- But Kelly, she shits aliens, okay?

She eats everything.

I'm sitting in a chair,

she's eating the fucking bottom of the chair.

- But she's so cute.

(dog barking)

Bitch.

- Stop it, stop it, leave her.

No, Kelly please leave her, she's not well.

- But Minnie's a bitch.

She's just an evil cow

that just loves all the attention

but she won't let me touch her.

- Kelly, she's gonna make a leap

at your face in a minute

and you're gonna, no.

(Minnie growling)

Ozzy, I've booked a woman

who's coming over today

who wants to sit with us about the dogs.

- What about...

- About the shitting.

- Oh darling, you know, no matter what woman you get over,

open the fucking door.

- No, it's a therapist

and she's gonna help us with the dogs.

- No darling, you don't need a therapist,

you just need to get up at seven

and open the fucking door.

- [SHARON] Hi.

- [TAMARA] Hi.

- [SHARON] How are you?

- I'm Tamara, the dog trainer.

- Hi, I'm Sharon, hi.

- Nice to meet you.

Hi guys.

So many.

- She's the only one that doesn't

piss and shit on the floor.

- [TAMARA] Oh no, really all of them do?

- Yeah, Ozzy, this is Tamara,

Tamara, this is Ozzy.

- [TAMARA] Hi, I'm the dog trainer.

- Why don't we get a piece of wood

and whack the dog round the back of the head?

- I need you to make you more important

in your dog's mind.

That's really the bottom line.

- Don't tell me.

- [TAMARA] My guess is that these dogs

are spoiled rotten.

- Well, his bulldog's mad.

His bulldog is insane.

- [TAMARA] Oh look at the, so cute.

Lola is so gorgeous, look at that.

- She's destructive.

And she jumps on my side of the bed

and urinates on the bed.

- [TAMARA] Yes, she was telling me.

When you think of a dog,

they have the wiring of a wolf.

So, a dog to live in this beautiful home

and they have all their needs taken care of,

the wiring is still like, I need to go hunting.

- I think she's a fucking fruit loop.

- You definitely have a pack here.

A lot, a lot of dogs,

and they completely undermine you

because they don't really need you.

You are the leader of the pack.

- Yeah, I thought I saw it all

but now I have a fucking dog therapist.

Fucking hell.

- Sit.

Look at this brave dog.

Sit.

You are not so dumb, are you?

- Come here you shithead, come here.

- Oh my god.

- Lola, Lola.

- [TAMARA] Sit.

- [SHARON] Sit.

- [TAMARA] Lola, on a scale of one to ten, you are twelve.

You surprised your mom.

- [SHARON] Thank you so much Tamara.

- My pleasure, to see the best coming out.

Oh, ah.

We're not working on house breaking yet.

- Lola, you're a shit head.

- No, no, no, no, no, this is our fault

because we really need,

but again we didn't start on the house breaking.

We'll start with that in couple of days.

- See ya tomorrow.

- [TAMARA] Bye guys.

- [SHARON] Bye.

- [TAMARA] That wasn't nice.

That was nice bon voyage for me.

- Lola, Lola, you fucking dummy.

Ozzy, you missed the classic.

- What?

Shit?

- No, Tamara was leaving,

and she's going you were so good, you were so great.

She goes over there and pisses.

- Who?

- [SHARON] Not Tamara, Lola.

- Why didn't...

See ya tomorra.

- All set.

- If dad finds out about the cat,

he's gonna go fucking ape.

- [SHARON] He's not gonna find out about the cat.

No animals, I'm not bringing back animals.

- [OZZY] Sharon.

(upbeat music)

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Doesn't he look handsome?

- Shut the fuck up.

- [SHARON] Jack's getting ready to go

on a camping trip with his school.

- [JACK] Oh, I'm in so much fucking trouble.

They're gonna call mom and dad in.

- [SHARON] And everyone else is going to New York

with Ozzy to do a promotion.

- It's good to be the king.

- [JACK] It's Kelly's birthday today.

- You wanna get a tattoo?

You'll break your mom's heart.

- Yeah, but you're not gonna say anything.

- I have to.

- Dad, you can't, please.

- Kelly's got something to tell you.

- I got a tattoo.

- [SHARON] You are joking.

- It's not all that bad.

I thought she was gonna show me

a picture of a fucking eagle on her ass or something.