Original subtitles

- Okay, Osborn's.

We're, we're moving right along.

It's the second to last episode of the first season. Wow.

You believe it? Oh, let's go for it.

- What a whirlwind. - And we're back on tour

and we're back to the holidays,

which I love spending holidays with you guys

- Back on - Holiday.

That's now Christmas. Oh.

But there seems to be people on your crew

that are getting in trouble.

- Oh, on our production crew. - Well, we'll find out.

- Oh no, this is, this is when the tour bus crashed

because he was getting a blowjob. One of

- Our 11 truck drivers.

- Good. Cold cow. - Got into an accident yesterday.

We found out today.

- He was stoned. - No,

- He was getting a blowjob.

- Getting a blowjob from a hooker while he's driving the

- Car. I do.

- And he was naked. - He was

naked. Whatever. Fucking do it. Great.

- So the ambulance came

and he's totally fucking naked in the middle

of winter in Connecticut.

- He's lucky that she didn't bite it off. Crazy.

- Really? Well, she's gotta make her a living.

I think there was a washer dryer on the truck.

- That was all that was on the truck.

- I know there must have been other stuff, but I know, I

- Remember. I think it

- Was, it was one of the, - One

of the jumbotrons was on that truck.

Mom. But I remember that.

But, and he,

and he was, he got a blowjob and crashed the truck

and was caught running down the street naked.

And then why was he running?

Or wouldn't you run towards somebody if you had nothing

and you were naked and you tried, needed help?

I think I would stay in the truck. I would too.

- Get my - Clothes

- On.

I remember one truck driver broke his fucking leg

and he says to me, can I get, can I some your

SI gotta try a thousand miles.

I said, you can fuck off.

- Like, nope, they're mine. - And they're for fun.

- Exactly. They're fun.

But don't we still have some of the road cases

that were in that truck?

We still have them,

- I'm sure. And they're really

- Damaged.

- Yeah. They were really damaged.

And that's why they couldn't, we couldn't

do anything with them.

- Sharon, you seem kind of delighted by this story.

There's something when people get in trouble

that you always laugh a

- Little - Bit.

- Yeah, - Because it's funny. You have to like,

inherently mischievous.

- Oh, I'm learning. That's gotta be fucking insane getting

one of them when you're driving a fucking truck.

- Yeah. I think it's very common. I think so.

But not a lot of people take all their clothes off.

- Mm. - I think that's the part that

- I about why was he fully naked?

Exhibitionists. That's why. Yeah.

Maybe he, he liked getting caught.

- I know, I know of people that I,

I knew some people that did this.

They, when they went to to use the restroom,

they would take all their clothes off.

- Really? - Yeah. When they went to drop a deuce

- Like George Costanza.

That's really bizarre.

- Yeah. Yeah. They would take all the, they, they

would go home from school, like high school.

They would get naked, use the restroom

and then put their clothes back on

because they were worried that their clothes would smell.

- I think that's - Nice. Well, you're a lady.

I think there's more to it than the fear of smelly clothes.

- That's quite, that's quite ingenious though. Yeah.

- Yeah. Maybe he thought it was going past the blowjob,

but then he got caught.

I don't know. But it was definitely a sex worker. Yeah.

He was paying someone for this.

- A lady of the night. But - You were paying him.

No, Jack, they're called lot lizards when

- You drive a truck.

- Lot lizards. Yes. - Lot lizards.

- Wow. Ooh. How did you

- Know this?

Let go from a book I read. Okay.

- From a book. You what book are you reading?

- The, there was a, I got, I learned

what a lot Lizard was from the Hearts

Deceitful of Above Things.

And then another book I was,

I'm reading right now.

I think it's called Copperhead something.

- I actually own a trucker's hat that says Lot Lizard on it.

Oh, in gold? Yeah. It's pretty stunning.

We're back on the tour bus

and somebody else is in trouble now.

Oh, okay. Oh no. Yeah. It's a,

it's a troubled Christmas season.

- There's highs and lows in this one.

A very Aussie Christmas.

Louis.

- I love New York at Christmas. The best. The best.

- We fucking hate Christmas, man.

I fucking hate it with a patient.

- You were at the show and you - Miserable.

- What the fuck? Ribs? Yeah, ribs.

You, he loves

- Ribs.

Does everybody know our security guy, Mike?

- There's a blood clot. - It's a blood clot. Yeah.

He's just been arrested

for robbing the house at the back of us.

You're laughing. Alright. Goodbye.

Alright. What happened? They were running the waterfall

today in our pool.

'cause it's now working.

And everybody's like, what's he doing here?

'cause he doesn't come until six in the evening.

He comes when it gets dark.

So he is there at six and he's there with his son

and they appeared at the back of the guest house.

He leaves, two minutes later, the police are there saying,

oh, well we've just arrested him.

He's in the back of the car. Hey, why

- My watch his gun? What?

- My watch - What? Fucking watch

- Mike Frank?

No, by my Van Cleef. Where did you leave it?

By the side of the bed. Oh fuck. Oh, that would suck.

It's gone. It's, but I, I, that's what, that's

what he's probably doing better on my jewelry, Sharon.

Get that motherfucker, my jewelry.

Go get on the phone right now.

Get on the phone, check my wife's my jewelry.

If he's in there, I'm going.

I, and I whack the cunts

and I've got my golden belt with me.

He's just really, really, he's like back check everything

- Back.

I see. I honestly, maybe I'm naive

and it might sound crazy, but I think he really liked us

and I don't think he wanted to steal off us.

You are not gonna believe what I'm gonna tell you.

- No. He had a gold belt on when he got knees.

- No, but when he was arrested, he had one

of your t-shirts on.

- Tshirt dad. No. One of t-shirts. And Ozzy saying Ozzy.

Yeah. Oh,

- I wonder whatever happened - With that.

- There is a conclusion at the end

we get some more information.

But it Was it your guest house? No.

Or just the house behind? Behind

- The guest house.

Oh, but it was up so he had to climb

- Up up the hill?

No, no. I I I kind of, I remember Yeah,

because he just, he appeared over the,

like he just appeared out of the back of

- His - With his son.

With his son. Yeah. And everyone. And because even you,

you even say it there.

But I remember when we got back finding out,

like everyone was like, what are you, what's up?

Like why,

- Why are you win so early?

- Yeah. And like, why are you just,

why are you entering the house

through coming over the back fence?

- It's weird. - It's weird.

- Did you ever find anything missing?

- No. No. All your - Jewelry was there.

- Yeah. No. He mom was right.

No, we, we always like, I thought we love

- Michael.

- He - Was great. So I like, I just have like,

as I say, like really fond memories

of him, of him being funny.

- Yeah. Yeah. He was funny. He was fine with us.

- I mean, he was always sleeping on the job. Always asleep.

- What - Do you think was happening?

Why was he there with his son?

- I, at - A weird hour?

- Yeah. I don't know. I really, I don't, I

- So did he rob the house? So

- Not, I don't know.

I don't know how it was concluded. I don't

- Know.

- I think, I don't - Remember.

He and he ends up, they let him go.

We'll see that at the end, but,

- Okay.

- It, but it is a strange situation.

- Yeah. - Ozzy, tell us about this

- Van Cleef watch.

Ozzy had a Van Cleef watch.

We at one time rented Don Johnson's house.

And if whoever was going to rent it had

to take his housekeeper on.

So, okay. We wanted the house. We took on his housekeeper.

She was the biggest thief ever. Oh no.

Ozzie lost his van Cliff watch.

And I lost a load of jewelry.

Cut to, we go to Van Cleef.

We tell them the watches

- Now the cup. Pull me up.

- No, no, no. But hold on.

We registered the number that it was missing.

They gave us the

- Serial - Number, serial number

so they knew it was missing.

We had the serial number.

We gave the serial number to the cops.

It was found in a pawn shop. Pawn shop.

Wow. She popped it to a pawn shop

- Shop.

But years later it popped up. Yeah.

Like 5, 6, 7 years later.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- So at this point you have it back

and you don't wanna lose it again. No. Then

- When he came back, I said to Sharon, I want it cleaned.

I want it redone. And then I went to a bank clean.

They then said, we'll send it to our New York office.

So long I'm in New York. Van Cle go.

We decided to fuck the watch.

We, we, we are gonna give you a new one. Oh, I watch.

It's the same. We, we it is a limited edition.

What was then was

- No, they then they gave it to you and then

- They gave it and then, then,

then it got stolen after that, wasn't it?

- No, but that's

what you worry about. You gave it to Andrew.

- Sorry? - You gave it

- To - Andrew.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Oh, is that your first thought?

If the family is okay

and the pets are okay, if someone has gotten

- Into your house. We have been ripped off

- Your jewelry.

- We have been ripped off so many fucking times.

- That's awful. - I mean, big time brother.

- I haven't stolen anything.

- No, I, I mean yet.

I mean, but we've been,

Shannon been cleaned out a bunch of times.

- Yeah. It's crazy.

- And so when, so you go, oh my God.

- It's the worst - Feeling it person.

You, you get this feeling and you've

- Got violated.

- It's fucking awful. Isn't

- Yeah.

Your jewelry's such a big part of

- It.

It is just, I mean, when I remember when

that fucking bitch had stolen, stolen the watch, I,

I went up and down the fucking chest again.

Maybe I did this. Maybe it's there.

I I I must have gone up down the stairs 500 fucking times.

- Did like you did on the bus? Yes. Because he, she'd just,

- We used to, we used to call this, we used to cook.

She was from Argentina

and the Avita movie with Madonna just came out

and we used to call her a Vita Vita

and she would get so mad, said, I'm not a vita. Then

- She would take one more necklace.

Yes. She like, and Oh my shoes.

- Remember when Bobby came in? Oh my god, mom.

When Bobby came in there one day, she says, what's,

what's the ma name?

Avita. Yeah. Every she goes, my name is not Avita,

- But neither Michael

nor the blowjob driver really got in trouble.

You guys seem very forgiving. Yeah.

- Well, you know, to each their own love zone.

- Yeah. We all mess up.

Oh, we all get a blowjob in a truck from time

to time. Naked.

- Totally naked. - Someone's hurdling down the freeway

in the middle of winter on a, a tour. And

- It's, and it's very normal for your security guard

that comes at night to be there during the day

behind the guest house. At the neighbors.

- Yeah. Yeah. Just jumping over the back fence.

- Looking for more work. That's very normal.

- Well, it is Christmas, so we know

that you're shopping Sharon.

- Oh, that's a, that doesn't,

- That seems out of character.

- Yeah, - Me too. I like Christmas. I do.

I love buying presents.

And it's another reason for me

to go shopping. So I love that.

- What the fuck is this Sharon? Who are these for?

She won the wine. Sharon, I'm asking you questions. Don.

- Oh, Marsha - Don. One of these is

- A black bag.

- A black bag for Smithy.

- Really? Yes. And Uzi is, he got a twin brother.

- He's got a twin brother. - They got triplets

- And they've had triplets.

And I have no fucking idea what's in the other one.

- But Shannon, come on this.

This looks very dangerous to me. Is he?

He looks like my one two for the next nine.

- Look, I can't fucking eat it and I can't fucking wear

it, so I don't want it.

- But what is it Sharon? You want to know what it is?

It's got like that Gucci vibe there,

which means my balls are touching the back

of my shoulders when I was a kid.

I's are touching. Give one gift.

I'd get a smelly old suck.

- Are you in the St. S? It's - A few nuts

- Pen, - A couple of pennies.

An apple and orange. And that was it. You are high as balls.

Hi.

- Happy.

Stop it Ozzy.

You know, I think I'm gonna put this 10 stick

pack on my going.

- It's so annoying. Please don't. What's up with him?

- Well, he wants to know about how we're gonna eat

all the bags in the plane.

- Well, - We're never gonna fit anything.

- Here we are. - Are

- We gonna tie it to the wings with duct tape?

We gotta think about these things.

- I - Didn't mean to do that. Ow.

- Sure. Child abuse. Yes. Sorry.

- She just smacked me in the face with a stalking.

- It's Christmas. It's

- A load.

I remember I was just like, well,

you have the Christmas jack, black

- Ozzy.

You didn't get a smelly old sock for Christmas as a child.

- As a child. We had a sock.

- It was just a sock. And inside the sock. Oh,

- In the end rot glued to the bottom of the bed.

A few notes, few coins, apple and orange.

- It was the Christmas stocking. Oh yes.

But people who couldn't afford the stocking used

to put things in a sock.

- Yes. I feel like I've heard this.

The same story from my own parents

- Up - Every Christmas.

Yeah. I got a bag of oranges and nothing else.

You should be grateful. And then

- We used to get walnuts, right? Why? Oranges?

- Oh, mixed nuts. Because

- They California that soon at Christmas

- We used to make spoons outta walnuts.

- Oh. - Because

- Citrus was very expensive.

Especially if you didn't live, you know.

Yeah. Near it. Yeah.

- Gotta fight away the scurvy. Why are they called walnuts?

- I don't know. - What do you call nuts on a wall?

- Not wall. - What do you call nuts on a chest? Chest Nuts.

What do you call nuts on your chin?

- Gay. - A dick in your mouth.

- Oh, that's ridiculous, isn't it?

Nothing's changed.

Nothing except you used to tell jokes like this

and now you're horr horrified me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a moment coming up where you, oh no.

Do mention a dick in Jack's mouth. Yeah.

- Oh wow. - But now

she's a lady.

Yes. Yes. She a

- Lady.

You do.

- Do you like to Christmas shop as much as Sharon?

- No. - Not in person anymore,

as we discussed. But you like to give

- Gifts?

I love to give people gifts.

- Yeah. And she finds really good gifts at Christmas.

What's your favorite gift you received as a kid? Kelly? I

- Oh, that's hard. It

- About good gifts to - Michelle.

Yeah. Mom and dad are really, really good at gifts.

- I think probably the ones

that we were most when we got the quad

bikes. That was a really

- Oh, fun.

- Yeah. That was a good, a good Christmas. Bless.

Kill yourself, huh?

- Yeah. Sometimes it's not the thing you expect will be your

favorite, but you just end up using

that thing for so many years.

It becomes, I think, special. I have my most

- Favorite thing.

We wasn't known. We never got the crash litz.

- No, you did. Oh, - You t did. What

- Were you gonna say, Kelly? Your most favorite thing.

- My most. I forgot. Oh no.

My most favorite thing that I've ever kind of been given

by my mom is this YSL Eve San

Lauren jacket.

Ooh. That I've worn so much that the lining of the inside

of it needs to be completely Yeah. Re

- Won. I suggest

- Won't, she won't - Let I said it'll be

in the fucking freezing.

Go with these bells and shake these bells.

And they'd go, you know, he's due

- Dad.

- I know. Santa, - Do you have a favorite Christmas

gift or Christmas memory?

Jack.

- Hmm. I remember we did Christmas in Maui one

year and it was a lot of fun.

- That sounds so fun. - Yeah. I remember that.

- How much? And the skiing.

I, I just, I, I skiing and Zermatt is a holiday.

I'll never forget

- Where and when We went to Zermatt

- Skiing in Zermatt.

Do you remember when Jack cried when

that world was singing to win? Oh

- Yeah.

That's your favorite part. Woo woo. Woo

- Woo.

There was a jazz singer

- And she just like beeline for me.

It was just like singing in my face.

And I was like four years old and I was like,

- Oh - God.

- That was - Terrible. How

- She was wooing in your - Face.

- Woo woo. Woo woo.

- How often, if ever did you celebrate the Jewish holidays?

- Mom never raised us with the Jewish holidays.

- Why? But you grew

up celebrating the Jewish shopping involved.

- I did grow up. That's what I was gonna say.

There's eight days of shopping involved.

There's more shopping involved. But

- You like the Hanah of Christmas.

Christmas, the light, the decorations. I love it. Yeah.

I always have done,

- We got married in a Jewish ceremony,

which I think is fucking beautiful.

We got married in a Christmas, we got married.

- Oh, we've done it all. Done it all. Vegas.

- Yeah. That was good. Oh

- My.

You seem to be the only one in the family that keeps saying

how much you love Christmas.

'cause everyone else is just shitting. I like

- Christmas now.

I love Christmas since having a baby.

It's now my favorite holiday again. Oh yeah.

And now realizing, and I called my mom this Christmas

and I said to her, I had no idea

how much you did for us until now.

Because like wrapping all the presents when he is gone

to sleep and getting everything for the stocking

and having his name put on everything.

'cause I learned how to do it from my mom.

So it took me about six months of planning

to kind of execute Christmas the way

that Yeah.

I wanted to. And it was very, it was a lot.

- And this year we're gonna be in England. Yay.

Does the family Yay.

- I won't. - You still hate Christmas. You Of course you

- Will.

- Why - Big?

- Because I want to go to my own house.

- You're not going for New Year?

- I, well, I, it's just too difficult with four kids. Yeah.

And an ex-wife. It's like a whole thing.

So I won't be there for Christmas.

'cause I don't wanna leave my kids for Christmas.

'cause Yeah. Whole thing. So

- Why do you hate Christmas so much? Ozzy?

- I just don't like it.

It's, it's, it's expected for people to

give, receive a gift.

I'm not saying I wouldn't buy buy gifts,

but if I'm going around and see somebody that I, one

of the kids or, or somebody I know would like, I don't,

I don't like to have to buy gifts.

- Yeah. It's a lot of expectations.

- You know? It, it's like somebody buys

you a gift that's expected.

You can't give 'em a fucking, you

gotta you gotta match their gift.

- Mom likes, mom likes getting gifts for everyone.

Everyone. Like we,

- We saw the - Kit bags.

Like you, you probably will be getting a Christmas

gift from my mom this year.

- I'll leave my address. - Thank you. It's never

- Anything like a fucking token.

It's fucking look.

Stock market goes fucking, it's weird.

- I love just a card. I love to get a card.

We used to have great Christmas

cards. Yeah, we did. Put my wife

- Into that and I'll, I'll I'll be forever grateful.

- Fucking God. I'll work on it.

Ozzy, do you, did you used

to do the whole family photo and everything?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- And then they would superimpose my sister in it

because she wouldn't ever do the photo shoot with us.

Was it? She'd have to. Was it viable?

- I mean, even when I was a kid, I, I used, used to be

so depressing

because as a kid you, you got how many, so many

how many wars where Santa comes and whatever.

And you're really excited.

You get your gift and it's fucking over.

- Yeah. - Eat your orange.

- Yeah. When you grow up poor,

it feels like Santa hates you specifically.

But I'm like, he skipped tell a house. It's very sad. Yeah.

- Or I've been naughty sad.

When you, when you,

you heard about people's houses getting

burgled and they, all the gifts.

- Gifts, the gifts go. Yeah. It's horrible. Yes.

That's a horrible thing to do.

My uncle robbed our gifts one year.

- No. - Yes. I told you I was white trash.

- Wow. How'd you know it was your uncle?

- He got caught. Oh wow. - Wow. Oh my

- God. We, I think we

- Came.

Was he going down a chimney?

- Well, I have a friend who's too fat, even fatter than

- Santa, whose aunt would steal things from the family

and then give it back to them at

Christmas for Christmas gifts.

- Oh, classy. - Yeah.

- Oh my god. Sharon,

does the family still fight every Christmas?

- No. Oh - Yes. Yeah.

- I don't, I'm not involved in, in the dynamics

of Christmas anymore because

- Politics, - There's a lot of family politics

and I'm of the belief that the kids come first.

So they have to, that's what

should be the priority.

Not who gets mom and dad for Christmas. Mm.

- Okay. - So it, it turns into a bit

of a bidding war as to who mom

and dad are obligated to spend it with that year.

So I remove myself from the

- Equation, but that's how kids are supposed to grow up.

Kelly in the middle of all their aunts and uncles drama.

Right. There's always drama in every family at

- Christmas.

- Well it seems like at this point you were very much

expecting family feud.

- I, the whole buildup.

We can all eat together, give each other our gifts,

and then the kids can go out and do what they wanna do.

And Ozzy and I can stay in with the dogs and the cats

and just have a nice quiet evening.

- You can keep on fucking mission hugs. You ain't gonna be,

- I know everybody's gonna fight.

Call each other bastards and everybody will go to bed early.

What are you eating? I dunno.

- Thousands of bags. I got chestnut.

- Oh, James Brown is sticking up out of the bag.

Did you see?

- You really did, did it up.

- Do you remember when? So we used

to always stay at the peninsula in New York.

Yeah. And when we would go

after the show, ed come to see, they had to bring like riot

- Barricades out

- The front in the hotel because there was

so many people waiting in front it,

there was like hundreds of people out there

- Every time.

That's crazy. After. Yeah. So did you

start saying somewhere else?

- No. No. We,

- We, we stayed there.

I will say something about the lights in New York.

It makes it easier to spend a lot there. Yeah.

For some reason It's so fun. Sucks you in

- Min.

Had some, some wild fun nights in New York.

Fucking crazy. Like

- What?

Just, just things. We used to go bar hopping

and just, oh, we, that was bumping

to somebody we knew

- When it was allowed to drink.

It was a lot of fun. Then he got fucking bored.

- That's what happens.

What did you two usually go out on Christmas night?

I love a Christmas. Going out with friends.

Once everybody's done with their families.

- I have done You didn't do that, did you?

More Not so much in America. The Christmas.

Is Christmas. Christmas Eve.

- No. Europe,

- No.

Christmas Eve is the, the, the main thing. And it, yeah.

- Christmas. He's got it wrong.

No, it's, it's, it's Christmas day is really Christmas day

here, but in Europe it's the night before.

Yeah. That's really special.

- We like the morning. - Yeah.

- I mean I don't, but you know, that's Yeah.

- Traditional. - Yes.

- Upf. - And you can be done by 2:00 PM or something

and then go hang out with your friends.

- Yeah. - Would you? But you guys wouldn't typically go out

- Unless there's a big fight.

Yeah, some, a lot

of times we were away. A lot of times we

- Would go away. Yeah. We'd on trips

- For Christmas trips.

Do you prefer Christmas at home or

- Yeah, I do.

I like, I like leaving the day after Christmas.

- I just love being at home. Me too.

Why you buy, why do you buy a fucking house?

Here you go. I knew you were

- Gonna say that.

- And go want to go to fucking stay at a hotel

- Because every time you do go stay at a hotel,

you're always like, we should do this more often.

- No, I do. I was doing it more often, more often than you.

Every fucking night.

- Why did you know he was gonna say that? Sharon?

Because he always does.

He always goes, I go, should we go out?

Why did I buy a house if you wanna go out all the time?

I'm like, well, yeah, you could do both.

We've been here all day.

We're only going out for a couple of hours. No,

- But, but normal people buy maybe two houses in their life.

Three houses. I'm, we've all fucking out.

We've had more houses that are fucking, I dunno. Yeah.

Lived in more places.

- You - Wanna enjoy it. I get it.

- I think mom should change her last name to Sharon. Zillow.

- Zillow Osborne. What's that?

- Zillow. Is that how the the real estate app?

- The you always on. Oh, okay.

- When, when it starts to get a five year each.

- Well, we get to see Christmas morning, I think.

Unless you're celebrating at Christmas Eve night.

What would, what would you typically do for

- Presents Christmas?

Opening the gifts. It would be Christmas Eve.

They were allowed to open a few

and then on Christmas Day too.

Nice. Let's see that. And we get to see a lot

of Lou, which is fun.

- Look, mother babies. Look at them dogs.

There is my love.

- Like there was, - She got eaten by couch. Oh.

- Or that singer killed her. We don't know.

- Yeah. One or the other. Okay.

The dog's really going for it. She was fucking there.

- Kiss time.

- Another fucking,

- See he's having fun.

He likes Christmas. So sweet. He's feeling festive fucked.

- I remember Christmas. Oh you Charlie.

- We still have that. We do

- Right Christmas.

Oh, this is so gorgeous. Thank you. It's so thoughtful.

Lulu is Ozzie's eldest son from his first marriage.

He's a, a big part of our family

- Brush shaped pastor. That

- Jackie.

- Oh, that's just the fucking nicest thing. Bedroom.

That's a picture of my mom when she was 16 years

of age. Wow.

- We still have that. Yeah. On daddy's desk at welders.

You still have that photo on your mom. Yeah.

- I don't know. - You do On your desk in England.

That was a gift from you. Do you still have

that book from Lou somewhere?

Yeah, I do shoes and logs and that, that is

because it was an old one.

So I I have that too in England.

What the the,

- The book that - Lewis, the vintage book

that Louis got me that Christmas.

I still have it. Did you spend a lot of Christmases

with Lou at this time?

We, we can't

- Remember.

There's a, we we had a few. Yeah.

- But they used to flip Floop their mom then we would have,

'cause he has a sister too.

So there's a, a sister.

So they used to when they were younger. Yeah.

But now they've got their own families.

And And where does he live now? In England?

- Yeah. - In Birmingham. Where Ozzy was born.

- Oh, nice. - Yeah.

- I think we're gonna see Ozzy cutting some meat.

It's Christmas. Always

- Look.

- Alright, come in. So I'll see you guys in there.

Jack, you had that camera everywhere. Really great. I know.

Some fucking Christmas. That's why I say

- Out and champion son.

We're fucking a team. International rockstar.

Fucking gravy man. Extraordinary.

- You guys. Nice. Steve is Melinda's husband. Wait, sit

- Down please.

Yes, Kelly.

- What fucking hate Christmas.

It's just, let's sit at a table with your family

and see how long you could sit there without arguing about

the stupidest shit. I don't think we've ever used

- This before.

Yeah, we have. We used it at Thanksgiving. No we didn't.

Yeah we did. No we didn't. Yeah we did. No we didn't.

Yeah we did. No we didn't. Yeah, we did. Yeah.

There were, there's mashed potatoes in stuff.

- Mashed potatoes is in huge grape here.

You lovely over there to give you some gravy. Right.

I'm done there Jackie. Some Merry Christmas. Everybody.

Merry Christmas. Everybody.

- Christmas some carrots.

- Married. Yeah. Steve's there for Steve and Melinda.

- They were both of them. They were,

they both lived with us. No,

- No.

We did a great job there with that gravy.

- Steve, - Flip it over.

- Grave's you - Love gravy. Dad. Good

- With his gravy.

- What is it? The gravy. You come some cut.

- Really good. Steven. Cut shit

- That was made the traditional way

because he, he based all the s

- Oh, alright. All right

- Dad.

We did a great job there with that gravy.

- The gravy obsession for - The

- Next year. Go on.

- Dad. Eyeballing the champagne.

- Is it? Yeah. Whoa. Oh fuck. That was good.

- But I still drinking bubbly though. Enough. And the bars.

- Well, - And the floor. That was really low.

- No, - Not fish. Not overtly covertly

- Piss.

- I'd like a glass of fizzy Piss loved one. I fucking

- Love a glass of fizzy - Piss.

Funny how I used to think it piss like fizzy piss.

And then it was like my fucking neck top on my

- Door.

We were joking. The rumbling of a family feud.

- Like just starting a family feud is

- Coming.

- Yeah. I think it's hilarious

that at one point I said that champagne taste

- Like that might be hungry with you.

- But you loved it. Yeah. I, I loved it so much.

Like when in my drinking days

where I would just drink bottles of it. I

- Fucking thought champagne was the most

overarching piss in the world.

- I love it. - Fucking how do I like

- Pink champagne.

- Pink champagne. - What's your gravy secret?

You, you keep going on about this gravy.

- I forgot how to do that now. It's been so long.

- You wouldn't be able to recreate it

- If I, if I It's, I can't remember.

It's been so long since I suppose

if I really had to do it, I could. Maybe

- You could do it.

Yeah, you could.

- You Jack, did you guys get,

it seems like there's some sick enjoyment from fighting

about the dumbest shit over the dinner table.

- Yeah. - You seem to enjoy it

- A little bit.

Maybe. I don't know. I just, it was just like, it

- Was like I didn't enjoy

- It was just like the habit we got I guess

- So.

Yeah. As we did fuck,

- You know, there's this weird habit

of just bickering over nothing

- I think.

I think so too. You was just so used.

- Oh, shut the fuck up. - Just leave each other.

- Be quiet. You know what, you know what she used

to do when, when she would get really frustrated,

she's like, I'm gonna take your heads

and bash them together. So she would threaten.

- There's no evidence of that. So I don't believe it.

- Yeah. That, that was not when we were filming the show. I

- Remember you saying that. She

- Would funny would just strike me in the face with,

you know, items of clothing. Hell,

- Hell, huge, - Tight.

- But then Jack, once you moved out,

did you kind of miss it? Like

- The No, no.

I was holiday craziness.

- I - Was, I was really, when I moved out

because it was like such a whirlwind of a,

just everything had been such an intense three

or four years that when I moved out it was just

like, like quiet.

- You guess after a while

having cameras on you, you can't be your, I mean that was

partially the way we were.

But you, you are always aware of cameras being on you.

- Yeah. - So you kind of play to the cameras a bit.

- Sure. But you were arguing about nothing when the

cameras were off as well.

- Oh yeah. Yeah. Nonstop.

- There's more shit talking coming up.

But it is about,

I didn't know if we should leave it in there.

It's about someone that we already know you really like

and was your neighbor for a while.

So let's see how you feel about it.

- I'm like, is this the Christina Aguilera was just look

- At Min to get those bells

and start using it like a tambourine.

Well mom start singing. I'll leave if you do that. Harry

- Krisna. Can we put some

- Music on?

Chest roasting on an open fire.

I like beautiful sing one of those lovely Christine

- Aguilera songs.

Start talking, singing the fucking birds. Di

- Kelly.

What was that record like? I was joking. Oh my gosh.

Kill myself. What was that? I wanted to scratch myself.

I wanted to abuse myself. No.

Christine Aguilera singing song.

- Go

the Doors and,

and I'm not kidding you.

I want you to fucking stab myself, Jack. Seriously?

Take that huge stick out of your ass.

Maybe you'll help everyone. It

- Has result to being something in an asrs. We noticed that

- Better than telling Jack, go fuck yourself, isn't it?

No. I think Jack, go fuck yourself is better than take

that dick out of your asrs. Stick

- I not Dick Kelly.

You said Dick. You fucking I an

- Stick dick.

Stick dick. Stick dick. Fuck. You know man, it's a record.

Who, who hit her dick. The family.

- I'm going upstairs. Shut in the

- Up.

You such a for couple.

You are fucking not

because it's fucking Christmas and you're staying in.

Don't you just love Kelly and how dramatic she's ah, she's a

- Pain in the, she - Likes to

- She in the room

as if I don't think you're not listening.

Your silly little thing. Actually I wasn't.

But when you hear your name mentioned, did you go

- Get a - Packet of

- Harry Bahoo Kelly?

- Probably. - That hasn't changed either.

It's your therapy. Gummy therapy.

- I have a gummy bear. Like a gummy sweetie obsession.

- So is this before Christina was your neighbor?

- No, she wasn't our neighbor.

She ended up buying the house from us.

- Oh, okay. But you like her? No, I will tell you.

Yeah, she's fine.

- No, I'll tell you this.

I always thought that her and I did not like each other.

And then when I was pregnant,

we were both at the Christian Dior

Runway show in Venice together.

And we got sat next to each other

and we ended up talking.

And I really liked her and she really liked me.

And it was really funny. And we were like,

I always thought all these years that we'd not liked

- Each - Other and it's just

- Been drummed up by outside people.

- Yeah, yeah. That whole, the drama between her

and I was largely the fan bases fighting with each other

rather than her and I.

- But you did not like her Christmas album.

That is for sure. It was annoying.

Ozzy, do you really not like Sharon's singing voice

- Fucking birds could be suicidal.

- Well, are you, are you aware

that my mother did have a singing career?

Oh God. Here

- We go.

Are you aware I do some Googling tonight? Oh please.

- Yes. It's go on play. - No, no,

- No. Please. Let's

- Play.

- Let's play one Hollywood. No, please.

You could strike oil Hollywood.

- She released a disco disco track in the seventies.

- I have to hear this. No, - It's a big hit.

- I have it on vinyl. Is it better

or worse than Chris Jenner's singing?

Oh my God. It's so much better.

- It's so much better. Okay. 'cause that's not singing.

It was like talking.

- Wait, what did Chris Jenner released an album?

- I love my friends. Yeah.

She made a little music video for her birthday one year. Aw.

I love my friends to the T of I love la.

Yeah, it's really bad,

- Huh?

- It's kind of genius though, - Huh?

- I mean I've seen it probably 30

times. So there's something OJ

- Simpsons in it as well. It's, is he

- Okay?

- Simpsons in it. - Yeah. Wait, is this pre or post murder?

- Pre murder. Pre. Pre alleged

- Murder.

- Oh God, they, he's dead. He can't sue us.

- Sharon, sing a little bit of it for us. Do you know what?

It was so long ago. I just cannot remember oil.

Oh, here he goes. Look, this is his thing.

- It's my favorite. It's my favorite.

Oh, there we go.

- Here we go. Ozzy loves it.

- Stunning joke.

This was,

- This was pre like auto tune.

Like this was real

- Singing.

This is rock, this talk decent. I love

it. And this is before

- You had moved here?

Not, no, I moved here before I moved her in the seventies.

- How did you manage to do that?

- I don't know why. What was she see? No. There's

- Nothing wrong with it.

No there's not. Like that's thing is like

for years you've told, oh, I can't sing.

I can't sing. I can't sing.

I actually think you probably

can. I do. And what you actually have.

- Absolutely I do. Because there's nothing

wrong with the pitching.

- It's - Gorgeous.

- Thank - You. You disco goddess. You

- Yes.

I can imagine what the clothes were

- Like. Oh yeah.

- Oh, - Lots of fur hair,

big hair, big boots,

- Big earrings.

Oh yeah. Sparkle.

- Did you go to, did you go to like, did you disco dance.

Did you go to like disco clubs and disco genres?

Oh of course. Wow. So you had the moves as well. Of course

- Mom had those moves.

Oh yeah. Wow. Going Studio 54.

- She was like a regular there.

- Oh shit. You naughty, naughty girl. Sad. Sad. Very sad.

It seems like not even Christmas day could keep random

people from stopping by your house somehow.

- Well, because you have to remember, we're in

Beverly Hills, everybody's Jewish.

Oh yeah. So it's just

- Another day or Well we did have, like I said

before, the club written over the house.

It was like the club is do

- The Doheny

club. God, it's

- Jessica, - My cousin's Nick, Danielle and Mr.

Hi. Hi.

- Hi. - So

- Awkward.

- She got - Busted with smoking the gun job.

- Oh, we caught you

- A friend's parent.

Mom. One of those people. If you ever do something like

that, please tell me Kelly, just tell me.

I mean, I just wanna know.

So like she found out

and I didn't really think she was gonna go nuts.

She went fucking crazy.

She called all my friends

and blamed it on somebody else when it wasn't him.

And I was like, if you wanted to know who I did it with,

- Called my poor friend.

No. I just got the school directory

and started calling the mothers.

Saying you, your kid gave my daughter to part.

And she, I was just thinking that one

of them is gonna say, oh yes he did.

'cause I didn't know who the hell it.

All she had to fucking do was say

Kelly, who did you do it with? I Don would've told her.

- Did - You cut? Cut throat? It's very like a

- Oh - Yeah.

- Very like totalitarian of you. Stick

- Off and shove it down his throat. I have a question.

- Go - On.

- I - Don't like the, well, it's kind of complex.

I don't like the redness. I think we should.

Oh my God, I isn't that rude. That's so fucking rude.

What redness is the hair? Yeah. Why? Jessica? Jessica.

Jessica. How about you do me a favor

- Jessica?

You know, can I say something?

- Yeah. - Mind's your fucking own business. But

- I'm being honest, Jessica saying that to a child.

She did

- Fucking Christmas fight.

The Christmas fight is finally me. It's on. So I do it.

- That's it. I love - You.

- Thought you don't fucking screw it. I'll be back.

- Look at how poor family.

They're like, what in the fuck did we just witness?

- She was so ballsy. She was, Jessica was so ballsy.

Who was there? Jessica Busey. The one whose father?

Lucy Hill. Paul died on his operating theater table.

- Wow. Yeah.

That's a wild comment

to just criticize your dad's hair. She's just So

- Who would do that?

She didn't give a shit. It's weird. She didn't give a shit.

So boldy. Where the fuck is she? Where did she say?

I have no idea.

She said she didn't like your hair. I do. We'll,

- I'll, I'll This is, that's a story for

after the cameras are off.

- Do you know where she is? - Oh yeah.

- Oh, - Not, not like presently,

but married as as of junkie.

As of like six years. Agoki

- Hooker.

- I'm not gonna say. - Okay. Oh, lot lizard

- Lot.

Liz working as a hairstylist.

'cause she's had so many opinions about hair. Apparent

- Hair.

Hair. Yeah. She said don't eat that.

- Yeah, she didn't like that. You had the red dye in it.

Remember you used to dye your hair red. And

- She just a ballsy old - Boot and it looked great.

But I said, just mind your own fucking business. Yeah.

- It's like a weird thing to, I would never,

it's weird. Ever say that

- To even watching that now made my face drop

because I was like, oh my God,

I totally forgot that she said that. And how rude it was.

- Her cousins are uncomfortable.

They're like, yeah, that is, oh my God,

- We don't even know these people.

Why are you insulting us? I'm going into somebody's house.

It's like saying, sitting in someone's house

and saying, God, you are boys.

- Was that the girl? You said excuse. Excuse me. You.

That's my father.

- Yeah. Yeah. - When, when you,

- Yeah, - You went, excuse me.

That's my father.

- She, she would, she lived,

at least this is what she told me.

She grew up a couple houses down from

where Kobe moved at one point when like Kobe had just

started playing for the LA Lakers.

And she used to go and like ring his doorbell

and just like chat to him through the intercom.

- Crazy. Remember I remember something about her

with a guy in a changing room at Sax fifth Avenue

and they were shooting up in the changing room

of Sax Fifth Avenue.

- Yes. - Okay.

- La Lockbox feed it up. - Heroin.

- That's - Very sad.

- Oh my goodness. Me - At sacks. Ooh.

Not even Bergdorfs.

Where most people do heroin.

Kelly, do you know who you did the pot with?

- The boy I do remember. Yeah. The

- Boy I threatened.

- Yeah. I threatened him. - The boy

- In the school yard.

- The greatest thing ever though is that Kelly went

smoked pot out of an apple.

Comes home. I remember like she walks in

and she went, Jack, I smoked weed

and said it in front of me.

And our older sister turns around, goes right to mama's,

like Kelly's just smoked weeded.

- And I'm like, why would you say anything?

- Well, because if you don't,

Sharon's gonna call every parent in the

directory, which I love.

Eventually someone will admit I've never done anything

and not told someone I've done

- It.

- You, you're not a secrets person.

Your heart's on your sleeve.

- Yeah. - Do you have a hard time hiding if you try

- Yeah.

- Bad liar. It's - Very obvious.

- No, I, my line always was,

I won't be angry if you tell me the truth,

but if you lie, then I'll be angry.

- But then you would always get angry.

- Yeah, of course. That's just a way of getting you

to talk. Manipulative.

- Well, you're lying is I won't get any more cats. Yeah.

Or go shopping. Yeah. Yes.

- Like if, if I was high right now,

it would be very obvious.

Like I can't ever hide that. Yeah. Ever.

Wasn't very good at it. I mean, none

of you are very good at it at this time.

- She will fucking no you, every time she,

- Every time she knows

- Every, and you, you're getting high or water.

- I was asleep in this house the other night

and I hadn't done anything.

And I was lying in bed asleep

because I fall asleep early with my baby.

And mom comes into the room

and goes, smells like weed in here.

And I went, no, it fucking doesn't. And she shut the door.

I was just testing. I was fast.

But then, but it's like things like that where I have

to be like, okay, I've gotta give my mom a break.

The whole reason that she has these kind of fears is

because I gave them to her.

So I have to give her a space with it.

But it was like, I'm asleep with my baby

and she comes in the room and is smells like weed in here.

- Well Jack, it sounds like Jordy gave you a gift

that caused a stir in the house.

- I know exactly what this is.

- Let's see. A pocket knife.

I remember this.

Hi

- Girls.

Girls. How are

- You? You're so nice.

- Get ready. Nice, sweet. I love what Jody gave me for

- Christmas.

Well, it's very nice of him. But you can't go out with that.

Oh, shut up. Shut up. Don't tell me to shut up.

- It's not illegal. I you, it's not illegal. Look

- How I'm gonna leave.

- Look how small pocket knife blades are bigger than that.

Look at it. It's an inch blade.

- You can't go out with that. - I'm

- Sorry.

- Technically not illegal. Right?

- When - They call from the police station,

I'm just saying just lock the fucker up.

Okay. So you can't go out with your car

because that's a deadly weapon.

You, you behind the wheel.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. Is this a deadly weapon?

- No. - You can get locked up for that. You can't.

- You literally can't

- With what?

That It's not illegal. You're not going.

It's a one inch blade. You

- Can't go, you know I'm taking it

- Out.

No dad, I'm not going out with this.

Did I say I was going out with it? No. You assumed it.

Yeah, because I know you. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I'm walking around you. Not

- I in the you're gonna I'm each

- Stuck in there's really fucked up.

- Yeah, it's all right.

You know, I'll tell what you'd like. Great pantry.

- It was a good pantry. Hey,

it is such a someone

- Out in the fucking door.

- Oh. 'cause there's not a handle on the other side.

It seems dangerous

- Not to have,

- But look,

- Did you like hills? What happened? Jack?

- Why are you trying to ran a white parade? So Jody

- Gave me like this little knife for Christmas

and they fucking take it away.

- If you get busted, I'll fucking bust your ass, man. Okay.

- Don't fuck with knives man.

Don't go out with a fucking t-shirt with cocaine

and your fucking t-shirt.

- I how angry he got outta nowhere.

- Give the fucking note.

- He's got an army haircut. He's got cocaine on his chest.

Chest. My belly was always out. Knife in his

- Pockets.

My belly was always out. You cute.

Do you remember when you used to wear things?

- Yeah. He'll never fucking look in there. That is so funny.

- I don't give a fuck if he hates me.

Jack doesn't use fruit, doesn't give a black eye.

Or at least the blonde. That's Jen on the can.

And I, I just wonder.

- Midnight sisters, Jack. It does seem like a danger.

Like it's such a small blade.

It looks like it's only for stabbing.

- Yeah. - Why did you need to go out with it?

- I wasn't trying to go out with it. I literally,

- I just found a knife here - Before.

Look, and I, I still carry one with me everywhere.

- Yeah, but you're not a child wearing a shirt

that says cocaine.

- I could be though. - It seemed Ozzy like it was more the

combination of things like, don't get fucked up with

- A knife.

Knife. And it was that He wasn't listening. I think that

- Pissed - That off.

- Well and I think it was,

but I never said I was going out with it.

They just assumed I was going out with it.

But would you gone out, which you

probably would've gone out?

I probably would've, but yes.

I didn't see a problem with it.

It was under three inches. It was illegal blade.

- Pearl was wanted with a knife.

- Oh. Don't even get me started on my,

my children's knife etiquette.

It's, they like, I literally had

to go off on Andy the other day.

'cause I was like, Hey Andy, hand me this.

Hand me that knife. She's like nine years old, old enough

to like hand an adult.

She grabs it, has it like this and is running towards me.

And I'm like, stop. And she, I'm like, what are you doing?

And she's like, she goes to grab the blade

'cause she thinks to hold it like scissors.

And I'm like, stop. I was like, don't fucking move.

And I go up to her. I was like, what are you doing?

And she's like, I don't know. And I was like, has no one

- Showed you? Oh God, that makes me like

- How to like hold

or like move around with a knife. She's like, no.

- I - Was like,

- So no.

Like my kid. No.

They would not be allowed to have a, a knife

- No matter how long the blade was.

- No. Well I guess it's, I mean, maybe when they're,

when they're like 16, I wouldn't, I'd be like, all right.

Yes, you're smart.

Having daughters in LA be like, yes, you're smart

to carry a knife with you everywhere.

- How about some bear spray instead that

- As - Well. I

- Have 45 caliber and that too.

- Okay. How about this? If you saw little Sydney with a

- Knife?

Yeah. Well it would, I would, I would,

I would actually be totally fine with that

because I would like to assume

that if Sydney was carrying a knife, I'd like to assume

that he would, you know, he'd be responsible.

- But she's also not going out clubbing, which is something

to consider with a shirt that says cocaine

- Really?

And an army haircut.

- Let's see the conclusion of the Michael situation.

- Oh, - The wrap up.

- I hope he gets away with it.

- Hi Michael. How you doing? So they

arrested you and charged you? Definitely, and

- Finn sent me to the county jail.

I never been in that man house. I don't even know him.

He, he pointed me out in everything, but he made a mistake

and then they tried to be nice to me.

So I just found me a civil lawyer to take to civil court.

'cause he could have killed me and my

son right there on that corner.

They could have killed us. It's not wrong.

They had guns on us. Yeah, I know everybody around there.

I would never do nothing like that.

- We'll call you Wednesday and we'll work something out.

Okay. Alright.

- Thank you Ms. Kelly. Thank you Mrs. Merry Christmas.

I miss y'all, but I sent y'all that card. I

- Know.

So, so misidentification.

I forgot what ended up happening. So it was a

- Misidentification?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

But the service, the, I remember the service company

where we got him from changed him.

- And we also, what, what, what actually also

because he was, he was a security guy

that the building company

- Recommended.

- Recommended. - Yeah.

- Because we had a, it was an open house.

It was a a it was a building site forever.

And then when we started filming the production,

we, we had to bring in like more robust security.

And so I think that was kind of a part of the,

like we were kind of phasing 'em

- Out the, well, at

that time I don't think it was a question

of phasing anybody out.

It was just he

didn't have a a, a

- Nice to carry, erase him.

- Yeah. When they arrested him. It sounds like that. Yeah.

Like it was someone else. Yeah. Back there.

It wasn't him at all.

- I mean, because his color of his skin.

- Yeah. It sounds like maybe a neighbor just assumed like,

oh, it must have been the Osborne security person.

But it was just, wasn't him at all.

- Phew. - Until he gets in more trouble later.

Does he? That's what

- You guys have told me.

I don't know. No, I I see.

I It was something with the company that he worked for.

They changed him out.

- Yeah. But it wa it was a misunderstanding

with him getting arrested.

- Yes. - But he still did appear in the back

of the house at like two o'clock in the afternoon

that everyone was like, what are you doing here, Michael?

So that did happen.

I just think it was one of those things where

- Wrong place, wrong time, - Wrong place wrong. Exactly.

- Because I can remember, I thought he was showing his son

where Ozzy used to throw his knives at the back.

That's what he remember. It was what he was doing.

It was the bullseye you had and used to throw knives.

And I think that's what he was doing.

So Michael's exonerated. Yeah. It's a Christmas miracle.

- It is. - Merry Christmas.

- Osbornes. They still walked away with these gifts.

- Yeah.