Original subtitles

- Hi.

Good to see you. Good morning, Amy.

Thanks for having me back

- More. More therapy.

- Come on. - More therapy. I am

- Not qualified for that.

And you know this,

- But that's why you are qualified for it.

- Yeah, my best. Really? You look beautiful.

Thank you so much. So do you. Oh, thank you. I'm excited.

- Yeah. - We got some good stuff to see today.

- What's in store for us?

- Season one, episode two. It's very pet heavy. Oh.

I already feel a little heartbroken.

I can't imagine how it's gonna be see for you, but

- I don't feel whole unless we have a

- House full of animals.

I love that. As he says, it's like a house without animals.

It's like going into a garden with no flowers.

- Oh, wow. Did you both grow up with a lot of animals?

- I never had a, I had a pet rat.

- That's fitting. - Where did you find it?

- It came in on its own, of course.

- Yeah. It just lived in the, in the corner of your room.

- So you've always liked having this many

animals. I grew up with a lot

- Of dogs, big dogs.

- And now you have a, a mix. - Yeah.

- Big small cats. - Yeah.

- Everything. Have you ever ventured out of dog and cats?

Lizards? We had a mice pig. We had a pig. Oh

- Yeah. I've got a

- Dog egg ate - The pig.

- I had a pet snake. I had a lizard.

I've got, I've got pigs on my farm in Idaho. Chickens.

- Last night we had five of our eight on the bed with us,

and it was the big ones.

So gross. And we are just like, the way we sleep,

the positions that we sleep in.

- It's so gross. I'll tell - You. I love it.

- You guys probably are riddled with parasites.

- Yeah, probably. Do you kiss on the mouth? Yes.

You kiss the dog on the mouth and it choke.

Yeah, it's gross. I do full

- Tongue.

My dogs. You do tongue too. My dogs don't lick. Mom.

You think that your dogs don't lick, but they do.

- That's all they do. - No,

they lick themselves, but not me.

- What are the dogs? But they do love

- Ish.

- I mean, loves eat shit.

- And I hate this dog so much.

I literally, like, I've never, I'm so sorry for her.

I've never hated a dog as much as Pepsi

- Because of the shit eating.

- Yes. And she's just, this dog does nothing. It just barks.

But like, it's like a broken record.

It just goes b in like perfect

rhythm for hours. Pepsi,

- The dog should be fucking dead now.

- This dog consumes feces like a fucking

- Her own other, - The anything the other like,

it's like a fucking seafood buffet for this dog. She's

- Getting.

Its a shit. Sizzler.

What about just heavily tranquilizing her?

Like all the Vanderpump dogs? She's been

- Doing - So well.

- Oh my God. Like all the Vanderpump dogs.

- Her, her dogs are on drugs. Are they not? They, you

- Know what? They're

- All so docile.

- It's because no, mom's only saying that

because she's got dogs here, which are of the same

- Yeah.

- Kind of - Lifestyle

- Spark. They're on Klonopin.

- Do you know, do you know what it is?

They get to a certain age

and the ones that are into bread, so, so much.

They kind of just become like this cousins. So you basically

- Cousins.

Yeah.

- Lisa's dogs. She takes really, really good care of them.

But they, they're like my, but they're like my little Bella.

- But we can neither confirm

nor deny if they are on Klonopin.

- Oh, they're very sleepy. So is mine. You should see mine.

I should bring her. She literally is like

Jesus on the cross.

No's. Don't bring that dog in. We're

- Not bringing them in.

- My heart is 15. Can we go with

- 15 years?

Yes. We'll go with the show.

Let's go with the show With your life.

We're gonna see a lot of dogs. Protect your heart. Twenties.

But this, this episode is called Bark the Moon.

- Oh, this is B of the moon.

- This is bark at the Moon. Oh, okay. Let's get into it.

I think it starts with some light house cleaning by Ozzy.

Oh, you know how to make this thing work.

- Turn it on and work.

- How come you have have to work old school vacuum?

No, I do not. Okay.

Ah, here we go. No. Would you like me to show vacuum?

Please Plug in. You

- Know what this reminds me of?

You ever seen, you ever seen Zoolander when they're trying

to get the computer file out of the computer?

Yeah. It's in the computer.

And then jumping around like, like monkeys,

like smacking the computer.

Was the power button

- Still back vacuums like that.

Put the hand up high. Holding the holding up.

- Oh, good. Turn the fucking thing up.

He's driving me mad, man.

- Hey, but maybe he's got misophonia as well.

What's misophonia?

- It's the sound sensitivity.

- Well, hate the fucking thing too.

- Yeah. Hate barking of the dogs

and vacuum cleaners. I I have a

- Sensitivity to certain sounds

- That sends - Me, I can't take them

fucking leaf blowers either.

- You know what? I can't. You know what?

I hate the sound my phone makes when my accountant calls me.

I hate that. I hate Aren't

- You hate Pepsi chewing - Shit.

I fucking hate Pepsi.

- You're so mean. - Jesus.

I'd throw that dog in the middle of the ocean.

- Bring her in. You're in a bad mood today.

- All right, - Testy. Yeah.

This is basically just an episode

of the Pets Overrunning Your house.

- I just think it's so funny

that you will literally still see my mom with the vacuum

and she'll still be doing that funny voice.

And Dad is still screaming at her about the sound of it.

And like, that has not changed. It's

- Called trauma repetition.

- It's the, now we, we don't have the vacuum is

because we don't have carpets.

We have it. The the sweater floor. The, yeah.

And it's, and it makes a similar noise.

- It's still a fucking noise.

- Why don't you like bike vacuums? Do you like hair dryers?

- Not really, but yeah. I don't like my hair blow dryers.

- Okay. - How often do you get real peace and quiet? Never.

- Actually, yesterday was a fucking great day.

- Yes. Why? What happened yesterday?

- Nothing. There was nobody here.

In actual fact, I did medic find time

to meditate for 25 minutes.

What? In the garden. It was fucking having

- Fucking pillar of spirituality over here. I

- Love this.

God. I'm going, I was trying,

but where can I find a quiet place in East?

- It's funny you're saying that about like peace and quiet,

because one of my memories

of the time period when we were doing the show is just

how hectic the house always was.

- It seems stressful. - It it was.

I mean, we're talking anywhere from 20

to 50 people in the house

- At Yeah.

Every day. I can remember coming,

going downstairs one morning

and the, the kitchen must have had

80 people in there.

- It was the weird, and like, I could, when I moved out

after we did finished the show,

I just remember like being like, oh wow.

My house is so quiet.

- Yeah. Did you you miss the noise? A little bit.

- A little bit. I think I, I missed the,

there was always someone to kind

of talk to and hang out with,

- But that's how I grew up as well.

- We, it was fucking nuts. - Yeah.

- There would go four people in.

That'd be 30 people again.

- Plus all the pets. Well,

in this episode you have pretty much had it with the dogs.

Ozzy,

- He's like fucking duck to do fucking out here.

Oh, okay. Okay. The smell of success.

Maggie and Minnie. Oh, look.

A Martin.

You got NuLu got you here.

- Oh, oh, oh.

Fuck no. Also has not changed.

- God, man. This shit every fucking way. Who's pissed?

Who's pissed at my fucking carpet?

The bastard fucking dog, man.

Why is it black? I'm gonna throw it in the fucking,

- It's because dark rug.

And it just, it was dark red. So the we looks black.

- I love that you're kicking the dog out onto the balcony.

- Fucking terrorist. It's fucking part of Bin Laden's gang.

- It's part of Bin Laden's gang.

- A fucking bow are gonna work on this fucking rug. Fuck.

I mean that, that fucking, it comes in

and it takes a massive piss.

It's done gonna work, I think.

Must have a fucking tank inside gang. A piece of whack.

Why can't we get like, like, you know,

people get like, lasting tight.

Do do tricks. Now mind you, I'm, I'm gonna strike.

I'm not picking up another turn.

- I'm a rock star. You were raging out.

You were not happy about that.

- Well, that was supposed to be my room.

The so who I used to have the door locked.

But now you don't have them gates out upstairs.

- Yeah. - I make sure they're closed at night

because I, I guarantee if I fucking don't leave it open,

there'll be a pile of shit there the next morning.

- How It's so true.

And they, for some reason they'd love

going in dad's bathroom.

- I have a question. How come you guys have never decided to

house train the dogs?

- We, that's not true. They all go into training.

I'm shocked that they all go into train.

They go into, they all go into training.

- You could, I've been saying this for you,

is you could fucking train them more kind.

But if you don't open the fucking door in the morning,

they can't get out for the shit.

- No, but here's the thing. You'll leave the dogs out all

day and they come in, in case and they'll come

- In and shit. They in the

- House. They do.

- I think it's Pac mentality

with them marking their territory.

- It's a gift. I I They're giving a gift.

That's the worst gift you could ever give anyone. I've

- Trained they shit in the house.

- Do you know there's so much shit in this episode.

My boyfriend comes into the house

and he's like, man, I've never had a dog that I haven't that

that's been trained to go on mats.

I just don't understand because the dogs go on P mats.

- Yeah. But if I leave that guy up to be like,

fucking I Rosie,

- I love the, I'm not picking up any turds.

I'm a rock star. You have the best one-liners.

- Oh. It's like, what do you do? Train a dog.

- Yeah. If you love. No.

- Do you realize that we we've saved a lot

of dog's lives. I I would be dead now.

- Sure. Yeah. - How many do you have now?

- It changes. Eight, nine.

- I mean, the other day on the news there was this

fucking bulldog.

Somebody had smashed pork Chop

- Is the Bulldog's name - And set it on fire with gasoline

and these poor fucking bull.

He was so burnt on. I Sharon, you gotta try and get him.

- So, so they're now - Gonna adopt. So paid for

- Their - You got it.

No, we, we paid for his medical. Paid for his medical.

But the thing is, it depends whether when he gets well,

his personality.

'cause they don't know what he's like when he's, you know,

- Not been set on fire.

- Yes. And - Beaten. Basically.

He's gonna be smell of Pele again.

- Oh, he's not. Is he not gonna be a It's so sad.

Big fan of Camp Fries. So good.

Do you wanna see a picture of him? Leather?

I have a picture of him. Pork drop sandwiches.

- Cook her. - Lola was your dog, right?

- Lola was my dog. - Did you end up moving out with her?

Her? Excuse me. Aw, let

- Me see him.

- Okay. See, I get it. - See, I see

- The softness in your face.

- And he, they say he's very small.

- He is cute as fuck. - See,

- He's really cute.

- He's a little, he's a little bit well done.

- No, he, he, he

- At, he's a, he's a little bit well done.

- He's gorgeous. He's very needs

- Put onions on he ears.

- Look, he's got just one tooth.

- Can we call him Donna? - Why

- Donna? Like Donna kebab. You're so

- Fucked.

Stop it. No, he's gorgeous. He's absolutely, look at him.

- He's so shit all over your house. Oh, the one twos. I

- Know.

Are they gonna, are you guys gonna do,

are you gonna do implants for his teeth?

- We don't know whether we are going to get him yet.

They have to come and look at everything and see we,

- And see that this house is a house

of horrors. And they're gonna go. No. Oh

- My God.

Jack, this house is not a house of horror dogs than animals.

- He won't go any of the cooker.

- He definitely - Won't be

- Beg the stove.

He's gonna freak out every,

every time he smells gas would be a cookie.

I like Cookie. Okay, well let's move on.

- Okay. - And we're gonna see some

of your cat rescuing addiction. Sharon.

- Ooh God. - Kelly,

- Do move me from the pet - Shop.

No. No. But Gary No.

- Aren't you interested? - It's a living thing. No,

- It was a boycott.

- Yeah. Can Please, please, will you listen to me?

You get a boycott in his fucking house

and it will destroy the house.

Cat piss is the fucking worst. Please

- Pee.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Alright. I'm just nipping out.

- That was when it was safe for you to drive.

- Please - Don't ever buy the cat.

Please. Please don't get.

- I won't. Okay. - Promise you. I

- Promise you.

- On your heart. - Oh my heart. I'll call you.

Try and pick up the phone.

- I'm begging of your shirt. I'm begging you No

more. Please. Boo

- Animals.

I'm not bringing back an animal. Oh, there it is.

- What is that? - We're not gonna have

- Cats.

- No, no. I'm going to get it. Well for him.

Put it in a cat rescue.

- No you won't. - Forceps. Find out what the

- Fuck did you cook?

Find out about the cat. Produce

- Something. It's quite

- Complicated.

You look like you knew what you were doing. I did.

Where did you fucking careful them from?

That was GS and Purse.

- Amateur. They got eaten.

- I love, they're so beautiful.

You know what's funny about watching this is

it's more like a YouTube show than it is a

modern reality show,

- Julian.

Well, like the way that it's edited. Yeah.

And it's the kind of, there's nothing, the piece

of it. Yeah.

- The piece of it. And there's nothing story driven.

It's just kind of, I don't know know. Yes, it just did.

Yeah. Kind like

- Documentary it.

- Yeah. Yeah. But I'm saying like now when you watch a

reality show, it's nothing like this.

- It's so story driven. Yeah. It's very repetitive too.

And there's interviews about what they just did in a, that's

what we're doing right now.

- We, before we ever did this, there was a,

a British production company that came over to America

and did an home piece with us. We were so

- Little.

It was basically like pre cribs.

It was like pre crib was like, oh, this is what it's like

with celebrities.

- What were you saying? - Do you remember September

films when they came over?

When we lived at Don Johnson's house?

- Yes. - A crew came out and they

- Filmed - Yes. Filmed with us.

- Like a week with the family. Yes.

And that one that came out.

'cause it only came out in the uk.

- Yes. - And we have it. So we

- Should

- Show it. Yeah. We should put it up on site. Yeah.

- Well Sharon, I love in that clip

how many times you promised you were not gonna

get another cat.

- Well, I meant it when I said it at that time.

- Does she always promise she won't get another animal

and then get 'em anyway?

- Oh, I mean, I don't mind them there.

Actually, I said to Sharon many times, I love her.

She said to every night I go

with you all get on the elevator with me.

- Oh yeah. You should see him on the elevator. Sweet.

He does like roll call. And they all

- Just, I mean, better at nine 30

because the dogs look at me and go like,

- I can't, I can't get in the elevator.

There's no room when Ozzie's in there

with all the dogs. It's like,

- Okay.

And do you have any boycots now? No.

- No. - He's like, Piper.

- Three girls. Three girls. Three girls.

- Do you have a flute and green leggings?

Like the Pi Piper and you just, no.

- No. So Jack, I

- Love them.

I love the dogs now actually. I actually love all of them.

- I love it. Did you move out with Lola?

- I did. So funny story with Lola is that she was,

she was like a, this was like her teenage years when

we were filming season one.

So she was insane. She would chew everything, piss shit.

She was just fucking

- Nuts. Nuts.

- So mom went, I'm gonna give her to John.

John who's a guy who works at my mom's office.

He gave her away.

But the fans of the show were

so like in love with her and went so crazy for Lola.

Lola kind of had like her own fan

- Base.

She was like her own big deal. Only people get famous.

The dogs get famous. Yeah.

- And so people were like, where's Lola?

And so then we ended up getting Lola back.

And then when I moved out, when I was 19, I took her. Yeah.

- How long did she end up living? That makes you

- Sound like a terrible dog - Owner now.

- Me, - I think

that's pretty normal when you move out as a teen.

- No, she lived until 2012.

She died right before my daughter was born.

- Every puppy is just an upcoming heartbreak.

- Yeah. - Okay. Let's see.

The next scene, we're gonna have a very spicy conversation

between Kelly and Sharon.

- Oh, what's going on Ke?

Did anybody, anybody feeds the dogs today? No.

They can do without a day of food. Don't be ridiculous.

Same thing than did anybody feed the dogs? No.

I tell you, my farm. Your what?

So far up my crack right now.

- What? - How could you pull it out?

Her thong or cut it off? The fuck. Lemme cut it off. Kelly.

Kelly, you get yeast infections from that. Do you know that?

I've never had a yeast infection in my life.

But you fucking will miss get one.

- That's - What my wife, I don't know how anyone can wear

that and think it's comfortable.

Kelly, do I leg? You don't see your underwear line?

- Yes. - Who

- Cares?

I think to see underwear line is sexy.

Mom, Amy wears a thong every single day. And right now

- Kelly's keeping it - Reel.

She's wearing a thong of mine.

So it's been up my crack

and now it's up her crack and I'm not down with that.

- Wait, what? You guys were sharing underwear?

- Yes. You were sharing underwear with your sister.

She's saying her underwear is fully up. Her asshole. Yeah.

And she can't get it out. Do you know this

- Is, I'm not gonna get that out.

- I stopped wearing thongs because of you.

I thought I was gonna get a yeast infection.

I, and they're wildly uncomfortable, but horribly

- Uncomfortable.

My phones, they're so uncomfortable.

- There's new ones now that don't,

you don't feel them at all.

But did you usually share underwear with your sister?

I don't know where the fuck that came from.

Like, I don't remember that at,

or I have literally no recollection of

that time period in my life at all.

- I just, I just love Have you fed the dogs? No.

The dogs can go without eating. And then mom goes again.

Has anyone fed the dogs? She just screams. No, no,

- No.

That was very nice. It's so, I I it's really bad.

I still kind of respond that way sometimes. It's like to

- See, it's like, it's like, I really would expect you mum.

- I'm not being serious.

- I, I have a question

and it's probably not gonna be a popular one.

And I'm directing it to you, mom.

- Oh dear. - You look very different now than

what you did back then.

Yeah.

- Well that was like two faces - Ago.

- Well, I know. I'm just saying like, is it weird for you

to see that as you,

because it is very different. I was only

- On one facelift then.

- And where are we at now? - Four.

- Okay. But is, that's why I'm asking you that question.

Is it weird to see you at

facelift number one and you look gorgeous?

Don't you look great? Don't close yourself anymore. Perfect.

- You don't. You don't. Or is it like yourself look

- Or she's like, thank you, thank you.

But is it weird for you to see that?

Like, 'cause there was more than,

I think there was more than just facelift.

There, there was other things that's happened since.

- Of course there's other things,

but I'm just looking at the face.

- But are you, are you, are you go, are you judging

or are you like, ah, whatever.

Oh, I think I look fat.

- Oh, you do not.

- I thought you were a perfect way of saying that.

- Oh yeah. Did you say while you were watching that?

I, you said that's my wife.

- Yeah. Yeah. Well the old one.

- I love that you asked it. I'll make two promises to you.

I'll never ask about your bodies

'cause it must be fucking exhausting.

But also I will be staying fat this whole time.

And that's a promise.

The Oh yeah, the outfit. Let's do a little fit

- Check on that situation.

Don, do you know what it also is?

The body language

and the posture where there is like pelvis

forward, like belly.

First I enter the room.

- But you were also a child. A baby.

You were a baby with a silly haircut.

- Okay. And the big flowers me are my haircuts were

very cool at the time.

- Kelly, you are closer

to Sydney's age here than you are now.

To you yourself there. What are you saying? Your child.

Who's nearly two?

- Yeah. - You, so Sydney is closer to your age.

- You're Yeah, - Like I'm just saying like, I,

I'm making the point that like you are a

- Child.

So really you're saying she's 14 because

- No, no.

I'm saying that like, to put it in perspective,

like she's only 14 years older than Sydney.

In this, in this scene. Yeah. You're

- A kid.

Oh my God.

I just remembered how I broke my foot

from when you fell in the hole.

Yes. I just went b found in the manhole

in the Hollywood Boulevard.

- That's right. I remember that.

Kelly falls into a mans hole.

- I didn't fall into a manhole.

I fell into a manhole on Hollywood Boulevard.

- You are joking. No, I come. I didn't remember that.

- What we were doing The big flowers because of

- Fucking Kerry Haw mom.

- Alright, lemme just say like, at the time, this was very

- Cool. A lot outfit girl.

- It's a lot to unpack here. Okay.

Not that I know shit about fashion.

But isn't that an ultimate faux pa

because you have stripe and Polka dot

- Not at the time.

Not at the time. No. Ah. You know, I like

to push the boundaries, Jack.

- We know. We've seen we, yes, we know.

- I think it's cool. - Remember the car? Yo Boy,

- I love that car.

- The PT Cruiser. - It was a very fucking cool car.

I was such a nerd because that's the car that I wanted.

And I could have had anything with flames. With flames. Like

- Guy fii.

- I literally could've had any car. And I picked Gal fii.

Yeah. Cal Fury. You know

- What?

- Mom sold it because she read something

that when those cars got into car accidents,

the fuel injectors exploded.

Yeah. I think that's why they eventually stopped making.

Well and I think that's why they put the flame on it. That's

- One of a really good turns of being crash.

- Yeah. - The

- Kids, I actually think I'm an alright driver.

- Yeah, you are. Yeah. You they eight

bike. You can talk, speak

- For your, - I would say speak for yourself.

Motorcycle accident.

But this I think was the best design

kitchen you've ever done, mom.

- I think so too. It was the best kitchen.

- I think it was a great kitchen.

- That's beautiful. What were you cooking?

Do you know what you No, but it made her look like she

really knew what she was doing.

And I'm like, I don't recall a time when mom,

- You know, she was doing, she was filling up a

dog bowl for water.

- Well, let still look. Impressive doing it.

- Look at you, right? No, she was baking earlier. Baking.

What were you baking? I know. Oh yeah, we were baking.

She was taking a fucking bowl of soup out

of the microwave with mittens on.

It looks like, what was I meant

- To do?

My bare hands. Like,

- She's like, oh my ma a fucking

- Souffle. Like, it

- Looks like it, - It looks apart, doesn't it? Or, yes.

- Yeah. It's hard. Do you remember the,

a sexy chalk board in the kitchen

and how it, people would come over

and write the stupidest shit on the chalkboard

and nobody would ever check it.

And then we'd get in trouble for

what was written on the chalkboard. Yes. It has become

- My job to check it as well.

There's some things that come up later that are

- Very No, we were get in trouble for

what was written on that chalkboard.

But like sometimes we had no idea who even wrote it.

- Yeah. Yeah. There

- Was why?

What was something? 'cause they would be our stupid friends.

Like I remember there was this whole thing about Jews

for Jesus.

- Yeah. That - Got us in trouble.

- Juy Jews. And that's a real thing. It is a real thing.

- And then, oh, at some point it does just say Jews fart.

Which is true.

And I don't, I was like, just flagging this. Who wrote that?

But I

- Guess listen, it's a, it's just a social,

you know, observation.

The Jews, you fart. Well,

- We are a Jewish family, so I - Think we're Jewish. Yeah.

- And you fart. - Everybody fart.

- You're - Allowed to say it.

- Everybody fart. I, you know what it,

you know what I think it was? I think someone I

- Far, I farted.

You fart a lot. So I think that

maybe it was just

- An, - An observation.

- Okay. I'm not you.

- Yes. But mom, as in we are. I know. I love mom.

- Yeah. - And I

- Love - Mom.

Dad always says like, all roads lead back too.

- Why? So - He says like, you say anything.

He's like, well, I love mom. It's like, all right. You know?

Yeah. Mom's gone out to get the groceries. Oh, I love mom.

- I think it's adorable. - Cute.

- Two 30 tonight. Curfew. - Why not five? Oh

- Jack have, I'm trying to see who's there.

I am the designated driver.

Oh.

- Oh, that was Carly who was

- In the back.

I dunno. I don't remember those guys.

- What did you get pulled over for? Do you know?

- I remember - Not coming to a complete stop at the stop

- Sign. Yeah.

- Oh, that's so big.

But I wasn't driving, if you can tell. Or was I it Who was

- Driving the car?

My friend.

- So ha No, you're driving.

No, I'm not. Wheel on the other side.

- Take the dog poop off.

- But no, you're driving in America. You're driving.

- Well I Kelly laughing her up.

- Excuse me.

- You look very guilty, by the way. Very no idea. Shot.

Well, Sharon, how loose were you with the curfews?

Because two 30 you said two 30.

And Jack goes, how, why not five

- God two?

You let us go out till two 30 in the morning when we were

like 15, 16.

- Sure, why not? But you also have, have to remember this.

I remember on Friday night, we went out to places where

- Mom, everybody, I get that.

Sure. I, I could, I I don't know.

I just, as a parent now, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that.

Granted, it's a different city. It's a different

- Time.

It's a different time. It's a different world.

- So you rolled through a stop sign.

- Yeah. - You got a ticket. I think

that's why you want a ticket. Yeah.

- Did you ever have any other run-ins with the police?

I, I truly don't know. Are you about to tell me that? I did.

I'm not fishing because I was like any,

- I don't think so.

- I didn't research or anything.

- Yeah, I did - Pull. Getting pulled over. Okay.

Moving on. Okay, I'll Google it.

- Didn't you need a, didn't you get like,

kicked out of Australia?

'cause you called someone a cunt.

- No. - Where that, what was

that? There was some weird thing. I,

- I was, I was drinking underage and I got in trouble.

- Oh, that's right. - Well you had a fake id.

I didn't have one for Australia. What?

Since when do they care

- In Australia, if you drink underage,

- They used to send you there for underage drinking.

- That's right. - I love that.

You're like, I'm not driving the steering wheel's

on the wrong side.

No, not in la. We're gonna see some celebrity friends.

Stop by one specifically. That was a teaser.

- No, we didn't officially meet Dad. This is Elijah. Dad.

This is Elijah. How are you E nice to meet you.

I'm doing, I'm Hannah's brother.

We're gonna go see Billy Corgan's new band.

Oh, there's the bag that you fucking gave away. The one

- Elijah Wood Young Elijah Wood.

Yeah. She was a little baby.

- And when I moved out, his sister was my

roommate for like five years.

She was nice. She was

- Lovely girl. She

- She's wonderful.

Wonderful woman. Yeah. She's got two babies now.

- Look at her. Beautiful. - She

- Was like a little pixie.

Yeah. Did you catch what you guys were going out to see

- Billy - Band? Yeah.

- What band was, was that Swan or whatever He did.

Swan or whatever. She picks some

- Daisy.

- I remember she left. - I can't remember what it was.

- I'm surprised that we're going to see it actually.

- Did you? I am too. - Why? Do

- You remember how you felt?

Because you weren't on the best of terms, were you?

- Yeah. At that point. - But I, but Billy Corgan

- Was earlier that the incident with mom

and him was earlier, but they weren't on really good.

They weren't really speaking at this point.

- No, we weren't. But it was, yeah.

We mustn't have been speaking at that time. Yeah. It's two

- One.

Did you guys go out to see a lot of music as well?

- Tons. All the time. That's all they did

- That all time.

So fun. We're gonna go back to the dogs a little bit,

but was Minnie like your Minnie was the queen One used to

- Fucking, hi everybody.

- Really? - Oh, mom.

- Yeah. She was my,

- She was the queen. Little protection. My best

- Friend.

- We're gonna see a sweet moment with Minnie. Oh

- Bitch.

Stop it. Stop. No, Kelly, please believe that she's not we.

- But Minnie's a bitch. She's just an evil cow.

- You know what I'm - Gonna do? Kelly with a

tension. So she won't let me touch

- Her.

Kelly, I'm gonna cause you saying min's a

bitch and I'm just gonna play it.

Minnie one day be like face in a minute. You can never

- Do that.

- Aw, I have, I have a daughter named Minnie.

- Oh, cute. Yeah. But you all antagonize this dog.

- Yes, all the time. They

- All Did you fuck with this dog too?

- No, - I didn't. Yes you did.

- Yes you did. No I didn't.

It's on film that I've seen it on tv.

- I kicked her in the air. - No, it, I will say

Minnie started off being my dog.

I found Minnie and then Minnie liked my mom better.

Were you giving them secret treats?

- She's got a fucking, we had a

connection. Minnie and Min mom,

- Like a fucking - Dog mag.

So swear to dog God. We'd go, we'd go places.

Mom would bring Minnie with her and people would come

and like, oh, what a beautiful dog.

And she'd be like, don't touch her, she'll bite you.

And they'd be like, oh no, but she's so cute.

And they would go and touch her and she'd

and she'd be like, I fucking told you.

- And they deserve it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- They were bred for protection for women.

They just throw the dog in a stone.

They were walking off and it went off of the throat.

- Yeah. A Pomeranian would go. - Yeah. Pomeranians. Yeah.

- They're German. - Did you ever get bitten by her?

- Yeah. - All

- Of us Have You got mini bites?

Mini bites. Time have scars.

- Mini bites. Just emotional scars.

- Do you remember Ozzy getting some help for the dogs?

- Oh, I remember seeing a fucking dog. Psychiatrist.

- Well, we're gonna see the therapist

that you hired for the dogs.

- Let's see. Oh, she's fucking, she was.

- That's not what you say.

We'll see Ozzy, I've booked a

- Woman who's coming over today who wants to sit

with us about the dogs.

What about the shitting?

- Oh, dog. You know, you know

what you want no matter what one you are great.

Floor. Open the fucking door. Look, it's a therapist and

- She's gonna help us with the - Dogs.

No, Don, you don't need a therapist.

You just need to get up at seven and open the fucking door.

- Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm Tamar, the dog trainer.

Hi, I am Sharon. Nice. You. Hi. I do two. There are so many.

She's the only one that doesn't piss and shit on the floor.

S Lewis. Really? In the background. Yeah. I see.

This is tomorrow.

Tamara, this is, hi, I'm the dog trainer. I need you

- To make Tamara.

Tamara. I see tomorrow.

My guess is that these dogs are spoiled rotten.

Like playing. S jack. These

- Poor dog is insane.

- Oh, look at that. He's so cute.

Lola is so gorgeous. Look at that. She's

- Destruct you. Oh, she's the best.

- She she, she jump in my - Son's bed and ate on's bed.

- Yes. He was telling me, when you think of a dog,

they have the wiring of a wolf.

So although they live in this beautiful home

and they have all the needs taken care of the wiring,

she's the bestir is still like, I need to go hunting.

- I think she's a fucking fruit loop.

- You definitely have a pack here. A lot, a lot of dogs.

And they completely undermine you

because they don't really need you.

You are the leader of the pack.

- See, I thought I saw it all,

but now, now I have a fucking dog.

Feather. See I would the chicken. Fuck. You know,

- Fuck you.

Now you called her a fruit loop.

- Fuck it. I've seen it all. - Can I

be really honest?

Yes. You've done everything

but what the fucking trainer has told you to do.

- Boom. - And opening the door

- Is our fault.

It is.

- No, it literally - Is.

- Dogs wild. Wild dogs. Wild children.

- I, my dogs don't - Sit in the house. No.

You know why they couldn't get up?

They couldn't get over around the door

because they had two fucked up from the night

before. Not my dogs.

- We were children. - Pros are a rockstar.

- I was an innocent. - Lola was my dog.

- Little child. Just trying to make it in the world.

I have the fondest memories of my childhood.

I don't look back and think, oh, it was so,

it seems really fun.

We had, we had a fucking awesome time.

And if mom laid down the law,

we wouldn't have followed it anyway.

- At least in this show, she does try.

- Several times - Was, yeah, there was some I did try,

but it was just a waste of time with you

- Say when we were kids, we never had the opport.

She didn't understand what these kids are. We

- Had.

And, and our kids will never have the opportunity to have

what we had because it was a different time.

- I had the same upbringing as you did

- What?

- Exactly the same. I - Never

- Going to shows all the time.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Staying out late.

- You worked, doing right.

- I, I wouldn't cut out for a nine to five lifestyle.

- No, but as a teen, you had various other jobs.

- Lots - Jobs. Yeah. Factory jobs and

- Factory job building job butcher jobs.

- Didn't you put the mouse in your,

in your boss's tea when you were working on a building site?

The guy was horrible to him

and he used to have to make him tea.

And it was a big old teapot and he put a mouse in it.

- Did you kill the mouse or was it already dead? He

- Already dead.

That was his run outta He came run outta was, oh fuck.

That tea was great. Can I have another one? Fuck.

You know, get rid of the rest.

- So beware if he makes you a cup of tea. So

- This animal trainer is actually,

she was pretty well respected.

She was on Oprah a few times and stuff.

And so it's funny, she comes in.

I don't think she fixed anything. Nothing. Oh,

- Nothing.

Oh, this one. She in fit everywhere. This one. Crabs.

- Well, you told her that she,

that Lola Pisses in Jack's bed.

Were you just sleeping in dog piss like on a regular

- Basis?

No. What she would do is she was really, she was kind of a

- Bitch.

She was very emotional.

- Very emotional. To

where if I hadn't given her enough attention

- Hmm.

- She would beeline it to my bed,

jump on my bed and piss on the bed.

And she did that up until she fucking died.

So when I would leave town for work, I'd be gone

for weeks at a time sometimes.

And when I'd come home, I,

I wouldn't let her upstairs in my house for like 10 days.

Because as soon as she got like, oh, I, I'm gonna get up

to the bedroom, she would piss on my bed.

- And you never just passed out in it for a night? No,

- She was sneaky because it was, because it was like a lake.

Like she, it was like

- She'd wait. She, it was

- Premeditated - A whole day.

- No, it was fucking premeditated.

She would literally be like,

I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna hold it.

- She would do stuff like that though.

- She was, she was, she was vindictive.

- I think it's a bulldog thing.

- Well get ready for pork chop.

- I know, right? - Because he has a lot of trauma.

- Hope. I hope we get pork chop too. He's gonna be playing

- Off something.

- Do. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Well we are gonna see a final moment

with Lola and the trainer.

That's very special.

- All right. Throws up. - You're close.

- My pleasure to see the best coming out of the ah,

we're not working in Housebreaking.

You're laughing. You're a shit head.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is our fault

because we really need, but again, we didn't stop.

- Oh, why us so much? It was Lola.

- Yeah. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow.

That was a nice, that was nice. Boyage for me. Lola.

- Lola, you're fucking dummy.

There's also a moment

where Lola gets filmed actively taking a shit.

And this episode that is so gross.

I was like, I don't wanna see

that again. Please. You s smart. Do

- Everything throw off - To shit dog.

Yeah, she was, she was

- Bit about her butt with those two curly bits of

- Hair - Around

- There.

Yeah. She had these like curl, like C curl.

- See you love it, Jack. - No, I listen.

- She you miss her butt all - Girls.

She was, she was my first love.

Like, that was like, that was the first one I ever loved.

- That's so sweet. - Yeah, she was.

- Did any of the dogs ever learn any training from a rock

- In the pool?

Yeah. Nothing. Nothing. Not, not chase a ball or a Frisbee.

Nothing. What did you say, Ozzy?

- In the swimming pool we had, we had a, a rock low.

This rock where she would stand on it.

- Yeah. We had the, like the pool was, you know, themed.

'cause it was back in the day when people had themed

pools. That pool was awesome.

- It was an awesome pool.

- Pool. Pool was fucking,

everything about that house was great.

You guys should never have sold it.

- Do you let the pets swim in?

Your pools swim? They wanna, oh

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But bull dogs are not great at swimming. So they

- Drink the water and throw up.

- Yeah. - That's what l would do.

She'd go over, drink the water and then he yak. Ugh.

- I have a, I have a golden retriever now

and I joke that he's part hip part of us

because if you leave the back door open,

he'll just sit in the pool.

- They love it. He'll love to be in water all day long.

He's part here. He just

- This warm show.

He still, he's fuck sitting in a to a porch. What?

- There's a guy, he had this Porsche

or something soft. No. With no roof.

- Convertible. - Convertible.

And he has it parked outside his house. No. And a fox comes,

- Took - A shit, took a shit.

He was balancing on the door

and took a shit in his car and just left.

- I hate the color - Shit out more. Shit.

- I'll change the color.

That's like the universe saying don't own this car.

- Exactly. - That's saying to me,

if a wall crets in your convertible,

that's saying a lot better. The car.

- We'll just call this the shit episode. Yeah.

I guess that was episode two. You feel good

- Would I'm, it's making me miss my dog.

- Yeah. Is it making you guys feel like, it's like there's

so much that just has not changed about you at all?

- Yes. I, no, it, it, it's like all the money,

all the therapy, all the people that have been brought in

to try and like fix us.

We're all still doing the same shit.

- Yeah. It's crazy. Except for the drugs and that is huge.

It's so funny. I feel like we've heard the same

conversations like with you here as in the show.

Yeah. Yeah. Just open the door. That's it.

That's what dogs need. Oh,

- All the dogs.

It in crappy. My brother always.

All, every, every dog we had.

- Well, they love you. They love you.

- Well that being said