Original subtitles

Aside from all of your other troubles, you're just coming out of a siege of

pneumonia. Now you've got to go to bed and rest for a few days.

Is Augie going to be all right?

You bet. Just as soon as we take out his appendix.

What's your problem?

Lou Gehrig's disease.

That's pretty rough, isn't it? I've got about six months.

Are you telling me to back off?

To drop out of his life? Just breathe slowly.

Just relax.

You feel guilty because I'm sick and you're not. You have your whole life to

live.

Go out and live it.

Look, you don't like the point spread, try Jimmy the Greek.

I can get better from Bernie.

You mean that kid on crutches who's been poaching on my territory?

Right.

And when you bet with him, you get free oatmeal cookies.

Now, look, we made a deal. He works pediatrics, I get the rest of the

hospital.

I have an irresistible desire for oatmeal cookies.

All right, Imogene, Imogene, okay.

You got the Warriors and eight points. Nine. All right, nine.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, no.

Mrs. Rappaport had a boy.

That's only half the bet. Eight pounds, eleven ounces.

Didn't think she'd break eight and a half.

You know, between you and Imogene Keaton, I think I'm gonna have to go

straight. I think that lady is trying to run some...

Clumsy,

huh?

Don't worry about it. We got lots more checkers.

Do me a favor, will you?

Don't tell Trapper.

He'll put me to bed and...

Uh-oh.

Excuse me, consul. Would you give Riverside a hand down an emergency?

I mean, it's a madhouse down there. You bet.

See you later.

Ah.

Lost at checkers, huh?

Never been my game.

Listen to me, young lady.

Aside from all of your other troubles, you're just coming out of a siege of

pneumonia. Now, you've got to go to bed and rest for a few days.

No, thanks.

I've got too much to do.

Gotta go take a checkers lesson.

Stan, give me help. Yes, please. I have a human chicken in one, drunk with DTs

in two, abdominal cramps in three. I'll take three. Thank you very much.

What have we here?

Doctor, another glue snipper.

Is he tripping out?

No, but his nostrils are stuck together.

Room four, let's go.

First time I've ever been in a hospital, Doc.

Well, you picked a good one, Mr. Berger.

Call me Augie. Everyone does.

When did you start getting these abdominal pains, Augie?

Well, just a little while ago. You see, I'm a construction foreman. And I was up

in this gantry, and wham! All of a sudden, like a kick in the gut.

Hey!

Sorry.

Right lower quadrant pain with guarding and rebound tenderness. I want a CBC and

two views of the abdomen. Yes, doctor.

Must have been that two-and-a-fifth sandwich I ate, huh?

It's probably your appendix.

Appendix?

You can operate.

Probably. But even if we do, it's no big deal.

We'll know more after we do a few tests.

Put him in four east.

I'll see you in a little while.

Yeah, doc.

Oh,

and as far as Norman is concerned, we simply got to get rid of him.

name please this is edwina garth oh well uh yes of course

mrs garth i'm dr stanley riverside the second chief of emergency services no

well it's nice to meet you thank you very nice to meet you and what seems to

be your problem gallstones uh-huh now i want norman eliminated by the end of

this month is that understood It won't be easy, Edwina. He has a lot of

friends, Edwina. We'll have to be extreme. It does not matter.

Uh, gallstones.

You're certain about that?

Of course I'm sure.

Now, a simple auto accident could do it, or one of those tragic hunting trips.

Dr. Hollis will be taking care of you. We'll put you in room five, please. Now,

actually, I don't care how you do it, but just get rid of it.

I've been nursed for West. It's stat. I've been nursed for West. Stat.

Start. Hmm?

Does the name Edwina Garth mean anything to you?

Edwina Garth?

Is she here?

Is she a godmother or something?

I distinctly heard her give explicit instructions to have somebody

eliminated. I mean, I'm talking rubbed out.

Who?

Norman. Norman?

Shh, keep it down, will you?

Abigail's second husband.

You know him?

Are you kidding?

He's responsible for Ruby's illegitimate child.

He hasn't paid a penny in child support.

That good-for-nothing deserves to be rubbed out.

He's got a fever and elevated white count right lower quadrant pain all the

classic symptoms of appendicitis Then you better operate. You don't need me to

tell you that Look at this you see anything

Well, maybe a localized ileus and I thought so too Maybe you should order a

barium study. Well, I hate to do that just before surgery. You could give us

post-op problems Yeah, well, I'd go ahead with the appendectomy Good

I've already scheduled it.

Augie?

Oh,

Augie, I've been so worried.

Freddy called me from your site. He said they had to call an ambulance for you.

It's easier than finding a cab.

Doc thinks it's my appendix.

Does that mean surgery?

It's a snap. Be out of here in two, three days.

Are you sure it's nothing more than that?

Come here, you. Come on. Come on.

Well, how does that grab you, huh?

Go a couple rounds, maybe?

That's how you think about even in here?

With the way you look, baby, what else is there to think about?

You talk to me like I'm some kind of dunce.

I mean, there are other things I can do, you know.

Like what?

Well... Well...

Like, can I take care of something for you while you're in here? I mean, can I

do anything? Your job's to look beautiful, baby.

Stop worrying about real things, okay?

Hey, Doc.

Hi.

Dr. Gates. Meet my wife, Donna.

Nice to meet you, Donna. Same here.

Is Augie gonna be all right?

You bet. Just as soon as we take out his appendix.

If you will fill out these forms, we'll get the job done today.

Today?

So soon?

That's right. We'll have him back home good as new by Thursday. How's that?

See? I told you, babe.

Okay. Let me help you with these.

Come on. I'll handle it, hon.

It's my appendix.

Hey, I got the news. I'm sorry.

You heard?

Yeah, Pete told me.

In God's name, I'm not supposed to tell Augie, his wife.

The truth?

Look, don't blame yourself. You had no way of knowing what you were going to

find in there.

I didn't have to be so damned optimistic.

Shall I deliver the bulletin?

No, thanks. I can do it.

I think.

Come on.

We'll do it.

hours. You said an appendix operation shouldn't take that long, should it?

Well, I'm afraid it was more than an appendectomy, Mrs. Berger.

What do you mean?

What are you saying?

There was a tumor, a very large tumor in the lower intestine.

Lignant?

Yeah.

We got most of it, but I'm afraid that the cancer is metastatic. It's spread to

the liver.

Are you telling me that Augie's going to die?

Mrs. Berger, sometimes when the liver is involved, the prognosis is not too good.

However, we've had some pretty good results with chemotherapy.

It was a simple operation, you said. It was... He was going to be good as new

home by Thursday. That's what you said, good as new.

I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's nice to know you're sorry.

That makes everything just fine.

Baby, look.

Huh? Chemotherapy.

Really? Yeah.

I got less than six months to live.

Six months?

Yeah.

Maybe we can build a pool around that.

I'll talk to Jackpot Jackson and get back to you. Bye.

Oh, just the man I was looking for. I gave it the office.

Oh.

feel, Augie?

Lousy.

It's those chemotherapy treatments. It might be helping. You gotta be kidding.

It's a waste of time. It's like living the good, clean life.

You know, I've been lying here thinking about how much time I wasted not

smoking, not drinking, doing 40 push-ups a day.

I'm gonna come back and hunt the hell out of you, Doc.

Feel better?

Sue me.

You know, our encounter group saves us a lot of refurnishing jobs. It's a good

outlet for those feelings. I told you, Doc, I'm not going to join the death

watch. A bunch of terminal patients sitting around building their own

coffins. Well, it's better than lying on your backside feeling sorry for

yourself. I don't see anybody around here feeling sorry for me. Look at my

wife, Donna.

She has excuses for not coming around, claims she works in a shoe store or

something. Well, maybe she's trying to help. Maybe she's tired of watching you

lying there, withering away.

Come to think of it, so am I.

One way or another I'm gonna get you off your butt

Second

time today, I'm sorry

This is the first job I've ever had.

I'm not very good at it. The manager's furious with me.

I've been here for three days, and all I've managed to sell is a pair of shoe

trees.

Well, I'm buying some jogging shoes.

I appreciate this, Dr. Gates, but that's not really why you came here, is it?

No.

No, I need some advice.

I'm trying to find a way to blast that husband of yours out of his bed and onto

his feet.

Oh, I'm not one to help you do that.

I can't even bring myself to go and visit him in the hospital anymore.

I mean, I just sit there. I feel helpless, useless.

Did you say size 11?

Yeah.

I'm tired of feeling helpless.

Augie never let me do anything. I mean, he was always there to take care of me.

And now that... Now that he won't be, I have to learn how to take care of

myself.

I hope he understands.

I'm sure he will.

When?

He doesn't have all that much time.

Neither do I.

Excuse me.

You know, I think we should shut down the abortion clinic.

Edwina, why?

Well, it's absolutely useless to us now. We've milked it for all it's worth. What

are we going to do with Lance? He's been working the place for months. Ugh, he's

such a raunchy character.

Let's... Let's put him in charge of a chain of adult bookstores. Oh,

excellent. Oh, that's marvelous. And Ruby, get this. Ruby could model for one

of those magazines. Oh, yes!

No, she'd never do it. Ruby would never do that. Well, we'll just see that she

does. With a little effort, we could arrange to have lads seducing into doing

it. That is beautiful. And that opens the way for a juicy blackmail plot.

Exactly. Get that down with Selma.

Well, what does that sound like to you?

The trials of Ruby Radcliffe.

What? A soap opera. It's been on the air for years.

Edwina, you're a...

Your godmother created it.

Now, let's decide once and for all how we're going to kill Norman.

Have you thought about poison?

Hi, Imogene.

Poison. Very good idea. Very good idea. I like that idea.

Oh.

He's still depressed?

Maybe we should get him in the encounter group. That ought to brighten him up.

He's still fighting it. He hates the idea.

Oh, well, since when did that ever stop you?

I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I can think of. Hi, gang.

Imogene. Jackpot.

What's it worth to you if I can deliver the storyline of Ruby Radcliffe for the

next 26 weeks?

What's Ruby Radcliffe?

A soap opera that 23 million men, women, and salivating dogs watch religiously

every day. I watch it every chance I get.

I hate it. It's trash.

See you later.

What would you bet that Norman gets eliminated by the end of the month, huh?

Oh, they wouldn't kill off Norman.

They should.

Do you realize what he did to Ruby?

I'll give you three to one that they shut down the abortion clinic. Never.

That's Lance's only income.

Oh, he's got a lot going for him on the side.

Besides, he's Norman's brother.

Imogene, you're a genius.

Let's you and I have a little talk.

I'll be just fine right here. Thanks, Gonzo. Hey, Doc, come on. You brought me

in here a half hour ago.

How long do I have to wait?

The radiologist was called out on an emergency.

It won't be very long.

Magazine?

Nothing.

I've discovered this is the best place in the hospital for catching up on your

reading.

I come here a lot.

The food's lousy, but it's a nice place to dance.

We met the other day.

You're the man who's dying, right?

Yeah.

You know, what's your problem?

ALS. What?

Lou Gehrig's disease.

Oh, yeah. Lou Gehrig's disease. That's pretty rough, isn't it? Mm-hmm.

They say I've got about six months, too.

Six months.

That's awful.

Well... You know, there are certain advantages.

Oh, come on. Give me a break.

What advantages are there in being terminal? Wait just a minute.

You don't have to be polite or agreeable unless you feel like it.

You don't have to save up for a rainy day or watch your calorie intake.

And, best of all, you can be exhilaratingly honest with everyone,

from cloying friends to intimidating mothers.

When's the last time you had that experience?

You're quite a philosopher.

Were you like that?

I mean, were you always like that?

Oh, no.

I don't think so.

I think the encounter group helped. You know, the one here at the hospital. Oh,

yeah, the death watch. You know that doc? He's a nice young man, but I'll

tell you, he's trying to sell me in all that joke.

We meet next Wednesday.

You really ought to try it, Mr. Berger.

Hey, Augie.

Imogene.

You know, we might surprise you.

Nah. It really does help.

No, no, no. It's not for me, that stuff.

What have you got to lose?

You only die once.

Have you seen that new resident on

Ward 6?

Oh, he's gorgeous.

Oh, honey.

Now, his hands are too cold.

Would it be cold if maybe you're a little too warm? Oh, Maxie.

Hi, everybody.

I would like you to meet August Berger.

Now, August, this is Leonard, Alice.

Hi. Shep. Hi.

Goldie. Hi. And Max.

I want you.

Welcome to Gaddafi's Anonymous.

So, how are you checking out?

Pardon?

Leukemia is my past. What's yours?

Oh.

You know, carcinoma or something or other. He can't even say what's killing

him. Obviously not. He can't say it because he can't face it.

Hey, if it's so important, I'll write it down. I'll bring it in next time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What makes you think there's going to be a next time, dummy?

This is an exclusive group.

Just because you're dying, that doesn't make you an automatic member.

You've got to be accepted.

I'm on trial, huh?

Life, my friend, is a comfort station on the road to eternity.

This is getting boring. Let's move on.

What's new with you, Goldie? Oh, Max, I got a big problem.

You all know I buried four husbands.

My problem is when the time comes and I meet that big marriage broker in the sky

and we all get together, who am I going to move in with?

That's easy.

Who gave you the biggest rush?

Oh, Alice, they were all fabulous.

You know why, Goldie?

Because you made every one of them feel like a mensch. Oh, Maxilla. How do you

know that, Max?

I know Goldie.

You'd like to know Goldie.

You're actually a dirty old man.

That's what you are.

Listen, nobody's perfect.

Seek him.

Seek him.

Yeah.

Carcinoma of the cecum.

That's what I'm dying from. It's spread into my liver.

I pruned you. So a noble thought.

I'm beginning to get depressed.

All this morbid talk. I hate it. Let me help you. I'm trying to tell you what I

want. Goldie, I've got this problem. Stevie wanted a secret life. So nobody

wants to hear, huh? We've got a couple of tests this afternoon. We'll pay

checkers later, okay?

Okay. Fine. Somebody ought to tell that child life is terrible, you know? What's

the matter with you people?

I mean, the man's dying.

The man's dying and you don't even care.

I've been looking all over for you. Yeah, what for?

To congratulate you.

You've just been officially accepted into the group.

Big deal. Who needs it?

They, um... They accepted me, huh?

Unanimously.

Yeah. Well, I'm not interested.

But... I might go in there on the other hand and take a few swings at them, you

know what I mean?

Good, me too.

Well, all set, Edwina.

I think we've got everything.

Correction, darling. They've got everything.

I've given them my gallbladder, my blood, my body fluids, most of my money.

Many days of my life.

Let's go.

Ah, Miss Garth, you're still here. Thank goodness.

Do you have a moment? No. Good. I'm Dr.

Riverside. I'm sure you remember me. Oh, very, very well. I am an... avid fan of

yours i have been watching the trials of rudy radcliffe for years that's ruby

ruby her too those people on that screen are closer to me than my own family

yes well now doctor what is it that you want well i happen to be aware of

all of the personal stories in this hospital oh i'm sure you are oh yes

indeed thousands of poignant dramas heart-rending human side of medicine uh

-huh and you want to sell them to me is that it seldom oh my goodness no i want

to give them to you yes and for a modest fee i'd go along as medical advisor

after all art does indeed imitate life not in my business doc in fact if life

had any class at all it would imitate us let's go selma

Oh, yeah, sure. Sit down.

Glad to see you're here.

Seen Augie?

Uh, not exactly.

Oh, that's right. He had a picnic or something to go on with some other

members of his group.

He used to hate picnics.

He's changed.

You've done a lot for his morale.

It's not me.

It's the group.

It's almost like he's enjoying himself here, you know?

Do you think he'll ever want to come home again?

Sure, pretty soon.

But during this phase with his chemotherapy, we like to keep him

around. His blood count's pretty low.

It's funny, I get this feeling that he's found something here that he's never

had.

Somebody to talk to.

Somebody to laugh with.

Him and me, we never had much of that.

Augie's going through something right now that neither one of us can really

understand.

He's a member of a club that excludes people like us.

No matter how close you two may have been, you can't expect to share this

experience with him.

There's no way you can share it until you've had to deal with it.

Are you telling me to back off?

To drop out of his life? No, no, just be patient.

Augie's going through some heavy changes.

Well, so am I.

I mean, he's not the only one affected by his dying. I am, too.

I mean, I have these feelings.

Excuse me, Guns. A trapper's been looking all over for you. What is it? I

don't know. He's in radiology. He says it's urgent.

Okay, I gotta run.

Here, let me get my sandwich.

You gonna eat it?

Good. You drink his root beer and I'll eat his sandwich.

It's not for real.

This was left over from a documentary on pine cones. All right!

Yeah, it's not bad, huh? No. Can you believe it's five minutes from the

hospital?

Here's wine on your diet.

I have no diet.

I'm a dying woman. I can eat and drink anything.

Well? Some people have all the luck.

All right.

Now, here's to... Wait, wait, wait.

Suppose, just suppose, by some crazy miracle, you suddenly got well. I mean,

completely healthy. How would you feel?

I'd feel furious.

I'd have to change all my plans.

Get my hair done, go on a diet, start worrying about money.

No, no, no, no.

Good health can be a big inconvenience. Okay, to bigger and better

inconveniences.

What's that?

Heavy rain.

Yes, it's the sprinkler. Oh, it's beautiful.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, no, I love it.

This water's like ice.

Imogene, you're sopping wet. Yes, isn't it wonderful?

Hey, you're crazy. Come on, we've got to get out of here. You're going to catch

your death of cold.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Augie. Hey, don't you understand?

We don't have to be careful.

We never have to be careful again.

I don't believe it.

The liver scan looks great.

Yep.

I got the CEA back and it's normal.

Now take a look at these films.

You see anything?

Negative.

There's nothing.

What's going on?

It's simple. We've done something right.

Berg is in remission.

He's had a fantastic response to the 5-FU.

Trapper, we may be able to cure him.

The chemotherapy works. It works.

It's incredible.

You may be one of that 5%. There may still be some of the cancer left, but it

sure looks like we've beaten it.

This is the greatest news.

All right, let me have this stuff. I'm going to show it all to Audie.

Yeah!

It's a miracle. I can't believe it. It's an honest-to-God miracle.

I mean, I...

I feel like I've been born again, like I got a reprieve from the governor.

I tell you, Doc, chemotherapy,

I gotta love it. All right, let's just settle down. We gotta wrestle with

reality for a minute. You mean this isn't real?

No, no, no, that's real, all right.

The disease is either in remission or it's just plain gone. We'll continue the

treatments, make periodic tests, but you have to understand the disease may

recur. Yeah, over my dead body.

Hey. I don't have to tell those bad jokes anymore.

Listen, Doc, is it okay if I spread the word? I won't jinx me or anything about

it if I talk about it or... Go to it. All right, can I borrow these? Sure.

Good man, Doc.

Dr. Pope, please call the paid doctor.

All right, easy now. Try to relax.

Just breathe slowly.

Slowly.

Just relax.

Easy does it.

That's it.

Very calmly.

Well, it's finally happened.

Norman's dead.

Norman? I just saw it on the television in the rec room.

How did it happen?

He walked in on Lance and Abigail making love.

Heart attack.

Dropped dead right on the spot. Wait, that doesn't figure. He never loved

Abigail. Of course not. He loved Lance.

But they're brothers.

That's what they thought.

Actually, Lance is Ruby's brother, but she doesn't know it. Oh, I think she

knows it. She just won't admit it. How could she know? We don't even know it. I

know it. I'll even make a book on it.

See, you never learned. No, no, no. I know it.

Ruby, that makes sense. I'd like to see you for a minute. Sure.

How can you make a friend? Ruby and Lance are related.

Listen. No, no, no.

Don't tell Imogene the news, okay?

Whatever you say, but I think she'd be glad to hear it.

That's how I want it.

Okay.

Did you hear about Norman?

Comfortable? Oh, yes. It's beautiful.

Sure? You're not too cold or anything? I'm fine.

What in the world is it?

It's just anti-sprinkler equipment.

I can't let you get wet again.

Rocky?

Rocky? Hey, hey, hey, slow down.

You've got to understand, darling.

We may not have a lot of time, but...

Every moment we have is all ours.

That's fine.

Here.

For your nerves.

Hey, is that bubble gum? That's what it is.

Bubble gum. I never learned how to work that stuff.

You've never blown bubbles?

No, never.

You have had a very deprived childhood.

Mm-hmm.

Come on, come on, come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no. The lips, the lips.

One must not purse the lips. Come on, Percy.

The biggest mistake made in the practice of the art is in the angle of the jaw.

Some neophytes believe that if you hold your jaw out like this, it actually has

an effect on the wad.

Not true. No effect on the wad. Not in the slightest.

It's all in the diaphragm.

Go ahead, try.

Think bubble.

Sorry.

Oops, wait, wait, wait.

Who else but people like us would have time for something as insane as this?

Hey, do you realize how privileged we are?

You know, I think if the living turned the world over to us, we could

revolutionize happiness.

Did I say something wrong?

No. I suddenly had this crazy sensation that we were total strangers.

Now, come on.

It's me, it's Augie, your prized bubblegum student.

Hey, you know, I think we ought to get back. Come on. I just don't want those

sprinklers to go on again. Oh, I wish they would.

No, no, come on.

You can't take the chip.

I can't let you get wet again.

No, no, it was stupid, really. I'm really stupid. I shouldn't have brought

you out here.

Augie! I shouldn't have brought you out here. Augie!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm... I'm a little tired, that's...

Gonta?

Hi, Imogene.

Come on in.

Just in time for some of today's leftover reheated coffee.

No, thanks.

You want to come on in and not have it, or stay out there and not have it?

I just... I just want to ask you one question.

Is Augie all right?

Sure.

Has his condition gotten any worse?

No.

Why? I don't know.

Just all of a sudden he started acting strange.

Distant.

I can't help thinking something's wrong.

No, as far as I know, everything's fine.

Well, I guess it's just my overactive imagination.

Thanks, Gonzo.

for the Olympics?

After I'm gonna live, I gotta get back in shape.

Imogene came by to see me last night.

Didn't tell her.

No, I didn't tell her.

Thought you would.

I can't do that.

Come on, what am I supposed to say?

I'm gonna live, you're not.

She already suspects something.

Don't you think she deserves to know the truth?

The only truth that counts, Doc, is that I love her.

That's funny, I had this crazy idea you were using her.

Using her?

Where'd you get that idea?

Maybe I was wrong.

I guess she's been good for you.

Yeah, you bet she has.

The happiest period in my life started when I thought I was going to die.

That's when she came into my life. It wasn't just chemotherapy that made me

want to live.

It was imaging.

In other words, she's your life support system, is that it?

See what I mean, Augie?

Using it.

And all this time you kept that to yourself?

You didn't even tell me?

You know something, Augie? You're a fool. You're an idiot.

Imogen, wait.

No!

Imogen.

Imogen, I didn't tell you because I thought it would change things. And it

has. Now that you've recovered your muscle tone and your red corpuscles and

your macho vigor, you've got no use for decrepits, right?

Emma Jean, you're wrong.

My trouble is I care about you. Anyone with half a brain could see that.

Is that why you're so uncomfortable with me? Because you care so much? Yes.

Look, last week we had something special, something beautiful.

You're wrong.

We had nothing.

Don't you realize that?

No future, no life, no dreams.

Imogene, that's not true. You know how I feel about you.

Yeah.

You feel guilty because I'm sick and you're not.

You feel guilty about being alive.

That's a dumb way to feel.

You're alive, Aki.

You can plan for tomorrow. You can go skiing or build a condominium or...

Go around the world in the canoe.

Don't you realize how precious that is?

No, no, Imogene. You, you're what's precious to me.

It's nothing now.

It can't be. What are you talking about? We're the same two people, just like

before.

Are we?

You don't belong anymore, Augie.

Can't you see that?

We have this very exclusive club that doesn't admit people who

are ashamed of being alive.

You wouldn't qualify.

Imogene, I don't care about a club. I care about you. Will you cut it out?

If I stay here another second, I'll make a damn fool of myself. Imogene.

For God's sakes, don't you see how lucky you are?

You have your whole life to live.

Go out and live it.

Well, here you are.

Thanks for everything.

You guys are okay, you know. Good luck, Huggy. Thanks.

Just keep coming back for those checkups, will you? You bet.

Here we go.

Hi.

Need a...