Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[BELL RINGS]

The plane! The plane!

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

Tattoo?

Tattoo?

Boss, right here.

Tattoo, is that really you?

Yes, boss. I really fool you, didn't I?

Oh, you certainly did.

But may I ask what you are doing inside a fire hydrant?

I'm camouflage.

Camouflage. Of course.

But may I ask why you want

to camouflage yourself as a fire hydrant?

I'm taking a course

on how to become a secret agent.

A secret agent.

Lesson number one:

How to be seen without being seen.

Truly amazing!

You love it, boss, right?

Wait till you see the others.

I've got millions of them.

I can hardly wait.

And our guests can't wait either.

So shall we go now?

[♪♪♪]

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

Smiles, everyone. Smiles!

[PLAYING HAWAIIAN MUSIC]

-[WOMEN GIGGLING] -TATTOO: Mm, pretty girls.

Who are they, boss?

The young lady in the red blouse

is Ms. Marg Atkins.

With her, is her long-time friend

and roommate, Miss Cathy Wilton.

They work as chocolate dippers

in a candy factory in Louisville, Kentucky.

Sweet job. Heh.

What's their fantasy?

One of glamour and excitement, Tattoo.

For this weekend, Miss Atkins and Miss Wilton wish

to become cheerleaders

for the Louisville Titans football team.

The Titan cheerleaders?

Boss, they are some of the most beautiful girls in the world.

Oh, indeed they are, my friend.

TATTOO: And they're really here on the island?

-MR. ROARKE: Yes. -TATTOO: Hmm.

Do you think Miss Wilton and Miss Atkins

would mind if I show them around?

Tattoo, a little decorum.

Shall we, please? Huh?

Oh, I believe

this next gentleman's fantasy

will also interest you.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Cheerleaders.

MR. ROARKE: Mr. Melvyn Mews, a truck driver

who hails all the way from Wichita, Kansas.

Mr. Mews' fantasy is to spend this weekend alone

with the woman he has loved

for the last 12 years.

What's the big deal about that?

The big deal about that is

that she is Ms. Liz Merrill,

otherwise known as the Hollywood Sex Goddess.

And Ms. Merrill doesn't even know Mr. Mews is alive.

That's what the big deal about it is.

-TATTOO: Liz Merrill? -MR. ROARKE: Yes. Uh-huh.

Boss, she's everyone's fantasy.

She's even better than 15 cheerleaders.

You see?

My dear guests,

I am Mr. Roarke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island!

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Well, how do I look?

-TATTOO: Magnifique. -Agreed.

You, Mr. Mews, look like a man born to the water.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

And thank you for these swell looking duds.

Heh. But it beats me how you knew my sizes.

On Fantasy Island, we know many things.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Oh, relax, Mr. Mews. Relax.

I'm certain Ms. Merrill will be along momentarily.

Oh, uh, these are the directions to your destination.

Oh. Uh, you may open the envelope

two hours after casting off and not before.

Oh, anything you say, Mr. Roarke.

Uh, two hours?

Yes.

But how do I know which direction

I'm supposed to be heading in?

-North or south? -Fine.

No, I mean which-which direction?

Pick one that pleases you.

I'm sure that will be fine.

Heh. Pick one?

Well, that's kinda crazy, Mr. Roarke.

I mean, I-I don't mean to be disrespectful,

but, uh, I'm a truck driver,

and anybody with any kinda sense knows

that you just don't go heading out in a direction,

unless you know which way you're going.

I warn you, Mr. Mews, there will be times,

if your fantasy was to be fulfilled,

when you would have to trust

and obey my instructions implicitly,

or have you forgotten?

Y-yeah, but what instructions?

I mean, you didn't tell me which way to go.

Boss?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, excuse me.

MR. ROARKE: Ah, the lovely Ms. Merrill.

It's so nice to see you again.

May I introduce your, your guide, Mr. Melvin Mews.

How do you do?

How do you do, Ms. Merrill?

This is a real honor for me.

I've seen every one of your pictures

at least twice.

When you said a boat,

I had no idea you meant a boat.

Oh, I am terribly sorry, Ms. Merrill,

the yacht I had hoped to provide

developed engine trouble.

Eh, though it is a trifle small,

I must admit,

I am certain that this vessel

will get you to your destination safely.

But a star of my international stature can hardly be--

Dickens, can't you be more careful?

That wig cost me a bloody fortune.

-Servants! -[DOG WHIMPERING]

LIZ: Servants, huh, they're just not making...

She sounds like she got out

on the wrong side of the bed.

Possibly. Possibly.

Well, Mr. Mews, now that you have met

the girl of your dreams, what do you think?

She looks a little different up closer.

Really? In what way?

Well, she's kinda older.

You wanna change places?

Heh. No, no, no, don't get me wrong,

I-I still think that she's the--

the greatest woman I ever saw.

Well, when do we leave?

Immediately, if you wish.

-LIZ: Yes, I certainly do. -Mr. Mews?

MELVYN: Oh.

Ms. Merrill?

Why don't you sit right there, Ms. Merrill?

Right there.

I'm just glad my fans can't see me now.

Yes. Well...

Cast off!

[♪♪♪]

[BOAT ENGINE STARTS]

Well, uh, bon voyage.

She's not a very pleasant woman.

I don't think it's what Mr. Mews expected.

I doubt if this weekend

is going to be what either

of our guests had expected.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

CHEERLEADERS [CHANTING]: Five, six, seven, eight!

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight!

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

-[WHISTLE BLOWS] -CHEERLEADER: Kick, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

-Kick, two, three, four... -HOLDER: Other way!

...five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Turn, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Kick, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

-Do me a favor, will you, Cathy? -Sure, what?

Pinch me to make sure I'm awake. Heh.

Pinch yourself. I'm fresh outta hands.

-[WHISTLE BLOWS] -MALE COACH 1: Okay. Let's go.

Perfecto! That's all for today, girls.

CHEERLEADERS: Yay!

-MALE COACH 2: Here we go! -[CLAPS HANDS]

COACH 2: Pass it! Oh...

If only the folks back in Louisville could see us now.

[GIGGLES]

[GASPS] Marg, look out!

COACH 1: Look alive out there. We're lackin' something.

-Way to go! -COACH 2: Go, go, go, go!

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

May I have the ball?

Huh?

-The ball. -Oh, the ball.

-Here. -Thanks. Thanks.

If you ever get tired of being a cheerleader,

we could always use another wide receiver.

Cathy, do you know who that was?

Roger Moseley.

The Roger Moseley.

And he talked to me.

Right at me. [WHISTLE BLOWS]

It was the only way to get his ball back.

Ten to one odds Moseley gets traded

before the season opener.

How do you figure that?

I figure that, because his passing game stinks.

That's your opinion.

Also the coach's opinion.

I got it straight from the horse's mouth.

Excuse me, ladies.

I saw you talking to my quarterback.

I hope that doesn't happen again.

-What do you mean? -What do I mean?

Weren't you warned about my non-fraternization policy?

Look, I got a football team to get ready

for the season opener. I don't want these men

thinking about anything except football.

-You understand? -Cheerleaders are not allowed

to fraternize with your players?

You're not even allowed to talk to them.

Get caught, and you're out.

Just when I was beginning

to enjoy my fantasy.

What are you talking about?

[SCOFFS] Roger Moseley. Heh.

I can't even talk to him.

So?

You promise not to tell?

I've had a crush on Roger Moseley

since he played in college.

But Marg, you have a crush

on half the football players

and movie stars in the world.

Well, it's different with Roger.

Now the only two days I have to be close to him,

I-I can't even talk to him.

But Marg, did you see the way Mrs. Hoyt

was looking at us?

I think maybe we have a chance

to be cheerleaders even after our fantasy.

And maybe Coach Alden

will relax some of his rules

once the season starts.

But even if he does,

and even if we do make it as cheerleaders,

by then, it'll be too late.

Roger will have been traded to Buffalo.

[♪♪♪]

MELVYN: As far as I'm concerned,

Love in the Dust is the greatest movie

that you ever made.

I watched that on a late TV show

all the time.

You know, I'll never forget that scene

where that-that weird congressman

trapped you in his office.

What was it you said to him?

You said, "I thought you were a conservative!"

[LAUGHING]

That one really put me away!

How come you never won the old Oscar?

I mean, I would have given it to you in a flash

for His Venetian Lady.

Boy, the way you played a fallen lady,

that was really something.

Ms. Merrill, this is really an honor

for me to be here alone with you.

Is it all right if I call you Liz?

Ms. Merrill will do just fine.

Thank you.

Anything you say, Ms. Merrill.

[SCOFFS]

Honestly!

I should have held out for a yacht

instead of this motorized kayak.

LIZ: What did you say your name is?

Mews. Melvin Mews.

Well, Mr. Melvin Mews,

as the alleged skipper of this alleged boat,

I would like to lodge a complaint,

several complaints, as a matter of fact.

First, this boat is too small.

And second, that sun up there

is causing me to break out in freckles.

Third, I have an overwhelming thirst

for a ridiculously dry martini.

I never thought to bring any liquor aboard.

When do we reach our destination?

Ah, I don't know.

Mr. Roarke gave me this envelope

with sealed instructions inside.

Sealed inside?

Well, open it, man! Open it!

Oh, no, no.

Mr. Roarke told me not to open it

for a full two hours.

Okay, so I promise

not to turn informer-- now, open it.

Well, what does it say?

There-- There's nothing.

It-It's blank.

You don't know where we're going?

Mr. Roarke must have made a mistake.

-[ENGINE SPUTTERS AND STOPS] -Now what?

We're outta gas.

Well, put some more in, you idiot.

I don't think there is anymore.

What do you mean, you don't think

there's anymore around?

There's got to be some more around.

We can't be stranded out here.

Mr. Roarke wouldn't dare do such a thing to me.

[♪♪♪]

Would he?

[♪♪♪]

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

COACH 3: Hard throw! All right now!

-[PLAYER GRUNTS] -[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[PLAYERS AND COACHES CHATTERING]

You know something, Cathy?

That sportswriter who said Roger's passing game stinks

is absolutely right.

He is throwing all wrong.

What are you talking about?

Well, take a good look.

Roger's throwing side arm,

and he's only taking three steps back.

I see what you mean, but so what?

Well, I told you I watched him since college,

and when he played his best,

he-he always took five steps back

and threw over the top.

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

-Oh, well, I guess... -[WHISTLE BLOWS]

I can always quit my job

and move to Buffalo when Roger gets traded.

Buffalo? What about me?

-I'm your roommate. -Well, I know.

-[WHISTLE BLOWS] -But I can't abandon Roger.

Gal's gotta do what she's gotta do.

Maybe there's another way.

[♪♪♪]

You have a very devious look

in your eye, Cathy Wilton.

I have more than that.

I have a devious idea.

[CHATTERING IN DISTANCE]

COACH 1: Come on, let's go! Come now, that a way!

CATHY: Come on. Do as I do.

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

COACH 2: Let's go, come on, guys.

Here we go, come on, let's go, let's go.

Yeah, yeah, right there.

MARG: How long do you think we're gonna get away with this?

Just long enough for you to talk to Roger Mosely, I hope.

Let's try the tackling dummies.

LIZ: You're sure you don't know anything

about our destination?

I'm sorry, Ms. Merrill.

Well, how about my fantasy?

Did Mr. Roarke say anything about that?

I don't-- No!

Uh, what is your fantasy?

[SIGHS]

What have a I got to lose?

To begin at the beginning,

my newest picture just was released

in New York City.

Yeah!

Bunny House Blues.

Oh, sounds like a real winner.

Well, for your information,

it's real loser.

People are staying away in droves.

Of course, it's not my fault.

The picture was edited and scored entirely wrong.

I kept telling the studio, but they wouldn't listen.

And your fantasy is to make Bunny House Blues a hit, huh?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

To be precise, my fantasy is

to be marooned on a deserted island.

But why?

Publicity, you idiot! Why else?

Once my disappearance creates international headlines,

my loyal fans will flock to the box office.

And I'll be spared the indignity

of starring in another cinematic bomb.

Four duds in a row

thanks to Monument Pictures.

Well, can't you do something?

I'm doing the best I can, Ms. Merrill.

What are you complaining about?

You're about as marooned as you can get.

[♪♪♪]

MR. ROARKE: Tattoo?

Tattoo?!

TATTOO: This way, boss!

Tattoo?

Right here, in the haystack.

What the...?

Ah, yes, of course.

Another camouflage, right?

Hi, boss. How do you like it?

Tattoo, it's absolutely terrible.

That disguise wouldn't fool anyone.

[STEER MOOS LOUDLY]

[♪♪♪]

Well, at least no one with any intelligence.

[MOOS LOUDLY]

Oh, boss, what do I do now?

Help!

[TATTOO YELLS INDISTINCTLY] Help!

-[TATTOO YELLING INDISTINCTLY] -[MOOING]

[LAUGHING]

[PLAYERS GRUNT]

[PLAYERS GRUNT]

-[PLAYERS GRUNT] -COACH 2: Harder!

Oh!

COACH 2: Hit it!

COACH 1: Here we go, give it a good shot!

That thing must be made outta solid lead.

I think we'd better get out of here, Marg.

The coach is looking this way.

But we've come too far to turn back now.

COACH 3: Go! Go! Let's go. Ready. Come on! Come on!

Oh, if only I could get Roger's attention.

-ROGER: Set...go! -[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

[WHISTLES]

COACH 3: Go! Go! Move it! Move it!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Wachowski, get up.

What in the name of Mean Joe Green

do you think you're doing?

I've only been doing

what you told me to do, Coach.

Kill the quarterback.

Not our quarterback, meathead!

Theirs!

What is it?

It's bad.

It could be my knee again.

All right, get-- Get the trainer.

Who did it?

All right, who whistled?!

LIZ: Well, never expected this.

How I allowed myself to become

part of this Mickey Mouse expedition,

I'll never know.

MELVYN: I thought it was for publicity.

LIZ: Who asked you?!

Where are we?

Middle of the ocean.

I can see that.

MELVYN: Oh, great. I lost the compass.

I suppose it's my fault! Ugh.

[MELVYN SCREAMS]

[MELVYN GAGGING]

[COUGHS]

Funny.

Very funny.

Picked a great time to go for a swim.

Well, don't just swim there!

Do something!

I am gonna do something.

What?

Something I...

I wanna bet my life on

I would have never done four hours ago.

And that's to tell you to shut up!

[♪♪♪]

MELVYN: Land ahoy!

LIZ: Thank goodness!

I thought I was doomed--

Ah! That's not funny!

-MELVYN: Ah... -LIZ: Oh, hold on to me!

The least you could do is carry me ashore.

I know, but that would eliminate

the possibility of you drowning.

-LIZ: Oh, my. -[MELVYN COUGHING]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

MELVYN: I wonder if this is what Mr. Roarke has in mind for you?

LIZ: Of course not.

He said I'd be met by a retinue of servants

with ground transportation.

Yoo-hoo, we're here!

Hello!

Well, they're late getting here, I guess.

But while we're waiting,

you can help me tip the boat back....

Oh, my....

No!

You know what Melvin,

I truly wish you worked for me.

Why?

So I could fire you on the spot!

[♪♪♪]

MARG: I've had a crush on Roger since college.

And now it's my fault he got hurt.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Dr. Behar, pick up line three.

Two-eleven...

Dr. Behar, pick up line three.

It must be down that way.

Oh. Heh.

Oh, now, okay.

Now, you keep her busy

just long enough for me to get into Roger's room.

Hello!

Maru.

I saw you at practice.

Maru?

What does Maru mean?

Isn't that the name of a Japanese ship?

No, no, no, no, no. I kick.

Kick.

MARU: Uh...

Kick.

Maru Yprios!

Oh, sure!

He's the place kicker the Titans

just brought over from Cyprus.

Well, como esta?

[MARU AND MARG CHUCKLE]

Oh, but we have to get outta here, Maru. Heh.

Ciao.

You smile at me.

Means-means you like me.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

I am every fond of you too also.

MARU: Come, come.

-Hi. -ROGER: Hi.

-I'm Cathy Tilton. -A Titan cheerleader.

-Then you know. -Sure, I saw you at practice.

You and the other cheerleaders.

Someone following you? Why do you ask?

The way you're acting.

Well, I'm sort of nervous

about something.

Like that whistle you heard on the field.

You?!

Oh, no! A friend of mine.

Her name is Marg. She wants you to know

she's awfully sorry about your knee.

You know, your friend just may have done me

a big favor by whistling.

Are you kidding?

You see, there's a rumor

going around that I might be traded.

So?

So this way I can beat 'em

to the punch.

I can use my injury as a reason to retire.

I wanna go out on top.

Say, do you play gin rummy?

Yes, but not very well.

I'll teach you to be a real killer.

Sit down.

Me? Sit on your bed?

Sure, why not?

I read that article about you in Playgirl.

Highly exaggerated.

If it were true, I'd be too exhausted to play football.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPING]

You're going too fast!

[GROANS]

Oh...

I can't...

I can't go any farther.

[SIGHS]

There's nobody on this island anyway.

Can't say that Mr. Roarke doesn't deliver.

I think we are actually lost

on a deserted island.

Don't you talk to me about Mr. Roarke.

This is an outrage!

You know what's gonna happen how?

-What? -Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

They're never going to find us.

Why do you say that?

My horoscope.

I had it cast just before I left home.

-I'm a Leo. -I know.

You know I'm a Leo?

I read it in a movie magazine.

When I was a youngster back in Colorado,

I used to wonder how the end would come.

I hoped it would end swiftly and painlessly.

Who would have guessed it would end

on a remote, deserted island?

Two strangers, Liz Merrill and...

What'd you say your name was?

Melvin Mews!

Two strangers,

Liz Merrill and Melvin Mews,

the latter a complete unknown.

Aren't you getting a little bit overdramatic?

Well, you don't think we're ever gonna be found, do you?

Oh, dear God,

if you're listening, please hear these words.

I know I haven't always done what you wanted me to,

but I promise to if you'll only get me off

this damned island!

Oh, forgive me, God.

I didn't mean to blaspheme.

Well, it wouldn't hurt

if you would do some praying also.

After all, two prayers have gotta be better than one.

Melvin?

Melvin, where are you?

Melvin?

Melvin!

Ooh! Ugh.

[GASPS]

Oh, thank God it was you!

Where did you run off to?!

Scouting the area.

Don't have too much daylight left.

What is it you want?

-I'm hungry. -Well, join the club.

I'll wait here while you find some food.

Wrong.

We both scrounge for some food.

Well, you're the hired help. It's your job

to look after Mr. Roarke's guests.

I am not the hired help. I'm a paying guest here

entitled to all the rights and all the privileges.

Just between the two of us, I think I am being royally jipped.

If Mr. Roarke were here right now,

I would insist on a refund for my fantasy.

You had a fantasy?

A real stupid one.

[♪♪♪]

I wanted to spend the weekend with...

the woman that I loved...

the most beautiful, sexiest movie star

that ever lived.

Well, frankly, lady, I was jerk.

I was in love with an illusion.

You're nothing more than a rotten spoiled female

who ought to be spanked.

All right, you're gonna help me scrounge up some food or not?

[DRY CHUCKLE]

Suit yourself.

[♪♪♪]

Gin! Heh.

It looks like I have to pay off again...

Oh, Roger, this is all wrong.

My best friend, Marg,

has had a crush on you

ever since your college days.

We couldn't help ourselves.

It--It just happened.

She'll understand.

Yeah, good old Marg, she'll understand.

MARG: Understand?

What a mean low, sneaky, underhanded dirty trick!

My best friend turns out to be Benedict Arnold.

Do you think I wanted it to happen?

Does a bee wanna run into a full-blown flower?

Oh, come on, Marg!

I thought maybe you and Maru

might have something going by now.

He doesn't even speak English.

And I don't speak Cypriotic, or whatever they call it.

Why should he have to speak?

The language of love is universal.

Oh, Marg, I really am I sorry!

I really am!

Well, that's just not good enough!

Best friends don't do that to each other!

Oh! Fine.

[ANIMALS HOOTING; AMPHIBIANS CROAKING]

[FIRE CRACKLING]

[GRUNTS]

MELVYN: Mm-mm!

This is the tastiest fish I have ever had.

Can I have some?

Oh, sure, sure.

Here.

You take my knife,

and you sharpen up a bamboo stick,

and you spear all the fish that you need,

just like I did.

I see. [KNIFE CLATTERS]

How much?

What's that?

How much money for half your fish?

Heh. My fish isn't for sale.

I see.

All right.

A hundred dollars.

Two hundred!

Heh. Sorry.

Anyway, your money floated out to sea.

What good is money on a deserted island?

[♪♪♪]

I've got something that...

didn't float away.

Yes, I know.

My shirt.

And my shorts that you stole

from my duffle bag.

Plus something a lot better.

Like what?

Like this...

Well...?

[PANTING]

No fish.

How dare you reject Liz Merrill!

Gimme that fish!

Give me that fish! No fish!

I hate you!

Ah! Oh!

[SCREAMS]

You brute! You--

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING] Leave me alone!

Oh! Oh!

[BOTH GROANING]

[GASPING]

Now the name is Melvin Mews!

-You remember that, Liz! -[SCOFFS]

-Liz! -[SCOFFS]

Because we just might be spending

the rest of our lives here together!

Oh, no--

MELVYN: Mmm-wah!

-[LIZ EXCLAIMS] -And while we're at it,

I wanna establish some ground rules.

I am the boss!

Mmm-mwah!

And whatever I say, goes.

Democracy is out!

So is that Hollywood star bit.

Mmm-wah!

[♪♪♪]

On my island,

you are nothing

but plain old Liz.

And your only function is

to keep your old man,

which is me, happy.

Oh! Oh, don't stop!

Kiss me...

What's going on?

Oh, you're so masterful,

so wonderful.

I've never been treated like that by any man,

including my four previous husbands.

Oh, Melvin, I need you.

You mean, heh, you like it?

Like?! No...

Ooh, I love it.

And--And you agree with everything I said?

Everything. Everything.

Oh, stop talking and kiss me.

I don't know.

Don't know what?

If I'm as great as you say...

Uh-huh...

...you don't deserve me.

[♪♪♪]

CHEERLEADER: Five, six, seven, eight!

Kick! Kick!

Five, six, seven, eight!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

Turn, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

Kick! Kick!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Kick! Kick!

-Five, six, seven, eight! -PLAYER: We'll try that one.

CHEERLEADER: Step out! Step out! Double!

-MRS. HOYT: Smile, girls! -One, two, three, four...

-...five, six, seven, eight. -COACH: Okay, he's gonna fall for this one.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Kick, two, three, four...

MRS. HOYT: Come on, smile, girls! Smile!

CHEERLEADER: Out, out...

Maru, what in the name of Too Tall Jones

is the matter with you?

Maru is in love.

Love?

CHEERLEADER: Turn, two, three, four...

MRS. HOYT: That is fine, girls!

All right, now let's work on

the side, side, side, side.

Front kick, back flips, side, side--

Excuse me, Mrs. Hoyt, could I have a word

with Miss Wilton and Miss Atkins, please?

Oh, sure.

Uh, Marg Atkins!

Cathy Wilton!

Please go with Mr. Roarke.

MRS. HOYT: On the double!

Just keep going, girls.

So let's all start at the beginning.

Right. One, two, three, four...

-Have a seat, won't you? -CHEERLEADER: Five, six, seven, eight!

-Step out! Step out! -Now, I, um...

...two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

I regret saying this, ladies,

but you have placed me in a very embarrassing position.

How so, Mr. Roarke?

It was I who arranged for you

to be cheerleaders, but...

my plan seems to have backfired completely.

Within 24 hours,

you have managed to put one quarterback in the hospital,

render a highly vaunted place kicker totally ineffective,

and demoralize an entire football team,

including its coach, of course.

What's wrong with the place kicker?

He is hopelessly in love with you, Miss Atkins.

And as a direct result,

he's unable to concentrate on the ball.

We really did mess things up.

MR. ROARKE: Well, indeed you did.

The Titans open their season against Pittsburgh, no less.

Pittsburgh. In ten days.

And I greatly fear for their safety.

What can we do to help?

You, Miss Wilton,

can convince Roger Mosely to leave the hospital

and participate in this afternoon all-important scrimmage.

But he's injured.

Are you absolutely certain?

Or is it possible Mr. Moseley is using

a very minor injury as a means

of bowing out of football, while still on top?

Well, he did say... Ah-ha.

MARG: Didn't you tell Roger

what was wrong with his passing game?

No! I got so wrapped up

in other things, I forgot.

What can I do to help, Mr. Roarke?

Give Maru Yprios his concentration back.

Show some interest in him.

That won't be too hard to do.

He's kinda cute. Heh.

Is that all?

Um, no, not quite.

Not quite.

I think it's high time you two friends

patched things up, don't you?

Hmm?

Well...?

[♪♪♪]

CATHY: I'm sorry...

[MARG CHUCKLES]

How's that, Mr. Roarke?

That is very nice.

Now, may I suggest, Miss Wilton, that you hurry over

to the hospital? What for?

Roger Moseley has called a press conference,

and I believe he's planning to announce

his retirement from professional football.

LIZ: Oh, you're back! Ha-ha!

[♪♪♪]

LIZ: Come here and let me do your back!

[PLAYFUL GRUNTING]

-Oh-ho! Heh. -Come here. Sit down.

-There, let me get your back. -Oh, no...

[INDISTINCT PLAYFUL CHATTER]

ROGER: Am I entitled to an explanation, nurse?

I had to stop you from announcing your retirement.

But it's over, Cathy. I'm all through.

That's just the point. You're not over-the-hill.

Marg figured it out!

You've been throwing the ball all wrong.

For openers, you've been taking the ball

and stepping only three steps, instead of five.

Then when you're forced to scramble,

you've been throwing side arm

instead of overhead, like this!

[TATTOO SCREAMS]

Get the picture?

[CHEERLEADERS CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[COACHES CHATTERING LIVELY]

COACH: Come on, faster, faster, faster!

-[WHISTLE BLOWS] -MAN: All right...

[ALL GRUNTING]

-[WHISTLE BLOWS] -MAN: They bring him in, it figures.

-[CHEERLEADERS SCREAMING] -MARG: Hey, you did it.

I know it! I know!

-What are you doing out here? -I'm all right.

-The knee's okay? -Yep.

-To play? -Yeah.

Let him in there.

-What is it? -Third and 15.

-ROGER: All right. -Show me something.

COACH: Hey, hey!

[COACHES CHATTERING]

Set! Go!

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

Hey, Roger's throwing overhand.

That's something I took care of at the hospital.

Set! Go!

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

Whoo!

[BOTH CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Yes!

ROGER: Set! Go!

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

-ROGER: Yo! -[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[ALL CHEERING]

ROGER: Yeah, all right, all right.

CHEERLEADERS [CHANTING]: Touchdown! Touchdown!

We got a touchdown!

Maru, kick it out of the stadium.

CHEERLEADERS [CHANTING]: We got a touchdown!

Touchdown! Touchdown! We got a touchdown!

-[MARG LAUGHS] -[CHEERLEADERS SCREAMING]

MRS. HOYT: Let's go! Whoo!

HOLDER: Set.

Hut. Go!

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

-COACH: All right! Go! -[CHEERLEADERS CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

[ALL CHEERING]

ROGER: Way to go!

[ALL GIGGLING]

LIZ: Oh! I never would've dreamed

that Liz Merrill could ever exist

outside the spotlight.

You know, when I first decided on an acting career,

I never planned to be Hollywood's sex goddess.

Oh, no!

I wanted to be known for my acting,

not my physical endowments.

[CHUCKLES]

Liz, why don't you forget about Hollywood?

It's all behind you now.

Oh, I'm so glad it's behind me.

With what we've got, who needs Hollywood, hm?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Who needs civilization?

Melvyn, do you believe in fate?

Well, that depends.

Why?

I believe that fate

threw us together on this island.

Movie star and truck driver.

Well, regardless of what threw us together,

I never wanna go back.

Oh, neither do I, darling.

We've got everything here we'll ever need. [HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

Oh, you don't know what a relief this is.

Your boat was found adrift,

and, uh, we feared the worst.

We're fine, Mr. Roarke.

We've never been better.

The whole world is in mourning

for you, Ms. Merrill.

The whole world?

MR. ROARKE: International news coverage is unprecedented.

Your disappearance crowded

virtually all else off the front pages.

Fans are thronging to theaters

to see your latest film.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, well, of course,

my fans always were very loyal.

Gentlemen, I would appreciate it very much

if you got back in your helicopter

and just forget you found us, okay?

Very well.

Is that also your desire, Ms. Merrill?

You did say thronging the theatres?

Yes.

They're having

Liz Merrill film festival

all over the country.

[♪♪♪]

No, Mr. Roarke, it isn't.

I'm sorry, Melvin.

You definitely wish

to remain here, Mr. Mews?

Oh, Mr. Roarke, I can't greet my fans dressed like this.

All that has been arranged, Ms. Merrill.

Tattoo, will you kindly bring

the lady's suitcase from the helicopter?

Thank you. Suitcase...?

[LAUGHS] Well...

[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]

LIZ: Melvin?

But I-- I--I thought...

I couldn't leave you, Melvin.

It seems I have a terminal case

of L-O-V-E.

But what about your fans?

Well, they'll just have to find themselves

a new sex goddess.

This one...

just retired from the silver screen.

[LIZ MOANING]

[♪♪♪]

Well, ladies, did you enjoy your fantasy?

To the n'th degree, Mr. Roarke. Oh, I'm very glad.

Sorry you don't be permanent cheerleaders?

Not really. We're going to be too busy

once the football season starts.

Really? Busy doing what?

Making sure some cheerleader

doesn't steal my placekicker.

Or my quarterback. Heh.

See you at the Super Bowl.

-CATHY: Yes! -MARG: Goodbye.

-Goodbye, Miss Atkins. -CATHY: Goodbye.

-TATTOO: Goodbye. -Miss Wilton.

-Thank you. -You're very welcome.

Goodbye.

Well, Tattoo, how's your spy training coming along?

Magnifique, boss.

I find the ultimate place where I can hide.

Really?

Where I can be seen

without being seen.

And observe without being observed.

Well, I must say,

you have piqued my curiosity.

And where is this marvelous hiding place?

Ah-ha!

A mailbag?

Yes. That's exactly

the point, boss.

Who is gonna look twice at a mailbag?

Hm?

Well, that is a point.

[GRUNTING]

Help me, please.

Very well. Yes...

[GRUNTS] Mm-hm.

Tie it up.

Now, Tattoo,

are you sure it's safe?

It's perfectly safe, boss.

All right. Tie it up.

All right...

TATTOO: Now, look, I've got

two holes on my eyes there to see

and one to breathe.

All right, nobody's gonna find me-- ever.

Can you come out and play, Tattoo?

Tattoo!

[♪♪♪]

Boss, you know anybody who wants to buy

secondhand books on camouflage, huh?

Cheap?

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]