Original subtitles

[♪♪]

[BELL CLANGS]

The plane! The plane!

[GIGGLING]

Good morning, boss. Good morning, Tattoo.

Well, you seem to be

in exceptionally good spirits this morning.

Why not? I’m gonna become a millionaire very soon.

Again.

And what marvelous moneymaking idea

have you come up with this time?

Oh, this time it’s a winner.

I’ve become an inventor. See?

Indeed. Uh, what is it?

Oh, it’s a sleeping bag.

Looks awfully small for a sleeping bag.

Oh, it’s big enough to hold two people of your size.

In such a small object as this?

Mm-hm.

Hm.

Uh, what’s this string?

Oh. You just pull the string

and the bag will unfold

and you’re ready for a nice, cozy evening.

Really.

Why don’t you try it?

All right.

[♪♪]

Inventor, indeed.

Well, back to the drawing board.

[♪♪]

[GIGGLING]

Smiles, everyone, smiles.

[PLAYING HAWAIIAN MUSIC]

ROARKE: Mr. Charlie Parks of Spokane, Washington.

Hm. A real old-timer.

Who is he?

A runaway.

Runaway? At his age? From what?

Not what, whom.

Mr. Parks is running away from his children.

You see, they want to place him in a retirement home.

TATTOO: And his fantasy is not to get caught.

His fantasy, my friend, is to become a success in vaudeville.

Vaudeville? It’s been dead for years.

That’s true, but Mr. Parks is convinced

that he and his former partner

can breathe new life into it.

TATTOO: Partners?

You mean there is two people

who still believe that vaudeville can be brought back?

ROARKE: His partner is Will Fields.

The two of them haven’t seen each other in 35 years

when they last appeared on stage as Parks and Fields.

Oh, boss, you’re backing a real loser this time.

Boss, that young lady,

she seems almost afraid to leave the plane.

Perhaps she’s afraid of finding that her most cherished memory

was nothing more than a fantasy.

TATTOO: That’s pretty confusing.

ROARKE: The young lady is Dorothy Weller.

She’s a secretary.

Two years ago, she visited Guadeloupe

and fell in love with the man of her dreams.

They enjoyed a glorious three-day romance.

Only three days? Why so brief?

After an auto accident, Miss Weller was in a coma.

When she recovered,

her lover had disappeared

and everyone denied that such a man ever existed.

Now she fears that perhaps he wasn’t real.

That she dreamed the romantic idol

while unconscious after the accident.

And that’s why she come on Fantasy Island?

To find out once and for all

whether the man she fell in love with really existed

or was merely a beautiful dream.

[♪♪]

My dear guests,

I am Mr. Roarke, your host.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Honey, I said in my letter

I advertise in The Hollywood Reporter, The Daily Variety,

every trade paper around,

but I could not find my partner.

Where did you locate him, Mr. Roarke?

Jersey City, New Jersey.

How do you like that?

He’s on one coast, I’m on the other coast.

[LAUGHS]

How is he?

For a young man of 67,

he’s in very fine condition, Mr. Parks.

God love him. Will is such a ham

he belongs between two slices of bread.

[LAUGHS]

Well, when can I see the old geezer?

Right now. Just step inside.

You mean he’s in here? Yes.

Come on!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, I see the look of disappointment

on your face, Mr. Fields.

Uh, were you expecting someone else?

Your ex-partner, perhaps?

Well, actually, yes.

Ta-ta-ta-da! Charlie!

[LAUGHS] Ta-da-ta!

Tell me, do you think cranberry’s are healthy?

They must be.

I have never heard one complain.

[LAUGHTER]

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, how do you feel?

How do I look? How’d you get hurt?

[LAUGHS]

Uh, Tattoo, do you get the feeling

that we are somewhat, uh, unnecessary?

We are gonna be terrific, Charlie.

I’m talking about terrific, Charlie.

You’re making me live again. How about a drink?

Want a little touch? I don’t need a touch.

I’m floating being with you. Sit down.

Mr. Roarke said he found you in Jersey City.

What happened? Did you get lost?

Nah. No, no. Come on. [LAUGHS]

I like Jersey City.

I’ve been living there 10 years. you?

Three thousand miles away. Walla Walla.

Walla Walla, Washington.

What’d you do? Snatch a pocketbook?

Oh, come on. It’s my home.

Let me ask you. Did you ever get married?

Nah, nah, nah. Still got my bachelor’s degree.

How about you?

She passed away some three years ago.

Oh. I’m sorry, Charlie. Come on, Will.

Nothing to worry. What can a guy say?

Will, it’s okay. I’ve got two great kids.

A boy and a girl all grown up and out on their own.

Good, that’s terrific.

I see you’ve been going over the old routines.

Not going over the old routines. They’re beautiful, man.

You got jewels in there. You got boffs.

Not only that, it’s got class, Charlie.

Class. That’s they want today. Class and fun.

Hearing that from you makes me feel like somebody.

I’ve been polishing up that stuff

for the last four years.

Think you can handle success

like you did in the old days?

Can’t wait to get on those boards, Charlie.

Let me ask you something.

You think we got a chance?

[♪♪]

Sure we do.

I know we do.

Well, let’s get on with the rehearsal.

Let’s move it. Look--

What kind of clothes you wanna wear?

I want better-- Loud, loud.

[♪♪]

Oh, where are we going, Mr. Roarke?

You will see presently.

Could you answer one question?

Does Tom exist or--?

Or did I just imagine him?

I’m afraid you’ll have to discover that for yourself.

But, my fantasy. You promised me that--

That you would know the truth.

And you will, Miss Weller.

Before your stay ends.

At least you can tell me where we’re going.

Uh, to a certain small village.

In many respects, it resembles a place in, uh, Guadeloupe,

where you, uh,

believe you met Mr. Parnell.

[♪♪]

DOROTHY: Why all the balloons and banners?

ROARKE: The villagers are preparing for the Fiesta de la Primavera.

[DOG BARKING]

This more than resembles the place, Mr. Roarke.

It’s almost a carbon copy.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Uh, you will be staying here.

Uh, as you can see, you are expected.

Well, what now?

I’m afraid circumstances must steer their own course.

Oh, uh, that’s not mine.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it is. It’s your costume.

Costume?

For what?

[MARIMBA PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND]

That tune.

You hear it too, don’t you?

Yes.

We used to sit in a little café

and listen to it.

I thought that I had imagined it.

If the song is for real, then maybe...

Excuse me, Mr. Roarke.

[MARIMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

Sí, senorita?

That song. What’s it called?

Oh, it is nothing important.

Just a little carnival song.

But tonight we are having our village carnival.

I see.

I think I remember.

Do you know a wine called Cuevas de Campanet

Oh, very well. I would offer you a glass,

but unfortunately, a gentleman back there

just ordered the very last bottle.

Uh, but I have a very fine Madeira

I’m sure you would enjoy.

Turkish cigarettes.

So I didn’t imagine that either.

Did you see which way he went? I don’t know, senorita,

but perhaps he went out this way.

Tom.

Tom, wait!

Wait. Please, stop. Wait.

Yes, miss?

Oh, uh, I...

I’m sorry, uh,

I thought you were somebody...

I’m sorry.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Uh, yes, come in.

I did it, Mr. Roarke. I did it.

I shot down the Red Baron.

Oh, that’s wonderful, Mr. Smith, um, Ace.

Oh, I’m so happy for you.

I’ll be the envy of the Southwick Counting Society

when I tell them about it.

Oh. What a fight he put up.

I came at him out of the sun.

My twin Vicar 303’s stitching his wings.

Rat-a-tat-tat. Rat-a-tat-tat.

[MIMICKING EXPLOSION]

He was a gallant gentleman.

We saluted each other as he went down in flames.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

...Mister-- Ace.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[♪♪]

Oh, uh, Mr. Roarke,

is there an optometrist on the island?

Of course, Mr. Smith. But, uh, what’s wrong?

Well, I’m afraid I need new glasses.

From some angles, his Folker triplane

actually looked like a miniature.

Uh, the wings seemed hardly 8 feet long.

Oh, I’m sure that was just the excitement of the moment.

Oh, yes.

[LAUGHS]

Well, uh, thank you, Mr. Roarke.

Thank you for everything.

♪ Off we go Into the wild blue yonder ♪

♪ Off we go... ♪ [SLAMS DOOR]

[COUGHS]

Um, boss...

Promise me.

Promise me that you’re not gonna sell

any more Red Baron fantasy.

But, Tattoo, you know it’s one

of our most popular requests.

Yes, but this is the third time I got shot down in flame

this week, you know. I can’t take it anymore.

CHARLIE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, at this time we present

the Inquiring Reporter Program.

Now, my job is to interview people, as they pass through.

So if I could secure the services of a young man...

Hold it!

My friend, you are asking for a young man?

You’re in the wrong room. You can’t live

long enough to look that bad.

You’ve heard of The March of Time?

This is his brother, waste of time.

Did you get it? [LAUGHS] Not bad.

Look at that face. Look at that kisser.

Got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

You could stand him in a garden

and the crows would bring back stuff they stole.

Tell me, what do you do for a living?

I work in a venetian blind factory.

Pretty good. Tell me something.

How do you make a venetian blind?

Well, that’s easy.

Poke them in the eyes.

How about that one? Pretty smart.

You think you’re smart?

I should be. I was born twins.

Born twins? How does that make you so smart?

Well, two heads are better than one.

You get it? Two heads, better than one?

Difficulties with your brother?

Everything he did I got the blame.

Well, that I don’t understand.

When we were kids and played baseball,

If he broke a window, I got the blame for it.

Well, that’s because you looked alike.

Yes! What else?

Later, I met a beautiful girl.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What do you think happened?

That rat married her.

That’s the end, buddy. That’s awful.

Oh, hold it, hold it. I got even with him.

How could you get even with him?

Well, last week I died...

BOTH: And they buried him.

[LAUGHTER]

Bravo, bravo. You’re both gonna kill them.

I was wrong. Thank you. Did you like that?

You liked it, huh, Tattoo?

Partner? Like we’ve never been away.

[♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yes? Para usted, senorita.

Wait. Come back.

"The beach boathouse.

Alone."

[♪♪]

Tom!

Oh. Oh. [LAUGHS]

It’s really you. Yeah.

Oh, my darling.

You’re real. You’re real.

Darling.

Maybe you think I haven’t acted like it, but I do love you.

I love you very much.

I thought about you every day for the past three years.

Oh. Somehow I feel

that everything’s gonna be all right now.

Everything.

[♪♪]

Come in.

Ah, Mrs. Greer. Mr. Parks. How nice to see you.

Come in. Have a seat, won’t you?

I’ll stand. Thank you.

On the phone you said, uh,

you had a bone to pick with me.

We want to know how much you’re charging my father

for this ridiculous scheme for bringing back vaudeville.

I’m afraid the prices my guests pay are confidential.

But, uh, let me understand.

Are you suggesting that I am somehow

swindling your father, Mr. Parks?

You tell me.

Vaudeville’s dead and buried.

Oh, your father prefers to think of it as

a sleeping giant. One he hopes to awaken.

With all due respect, our father is 66 years old.

He belongs in a retirement home,

not on a tropical island with some idiotic fantasy.

Indeed. Unfortunately, your father doesn’t think so.

Oh, come on, now, Mr. Roarke. You know and I know

that old people do not always do what’s best for themselves.

And people of your age do.

When can we see our father, Mr. Roarke?

I’ll arrange a meeting.

Uh, is there anything else?

Tattoo.

Have a nice day.

Mm-hm.

Okay. Gracias. Uh, buenas dias, huh?

Remember how to do this?

Well, I’m a little out of practice.

[LAUGHS] Try it. Really good.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

It’s delicious.

You know, when I came to at the hospital

after the crash

I looked everywhere,

but nobody could tell me anything.

They didn’t even remember you.

[SCOFFS] I thought I was losing my mind.

That’s the way it had to be.

It wasn’t an accident.

We were both supposed to be killed.

[♪♪]

But who?

Why?

I never lied to you because you never asked me what I did.

I’ve been a spy, professional spy,

for 10 years.

A spy?

I was gonna quit when we first met each other.

But I made too many enemies and they followed me to Guadeloupe.

I knew you’d be safer if I left.

The reason for the boy and the message...

and why we can’t meet in the village.

I had to be absolutely sure we were safe.

And is it now?

Mm-hm.

We’ll never lose each other ever again.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Boss.

Boss.

Boss.

Hm?

Look at my new invention.

I got the patent rights from my cousin Hugo.

Your cousin Hugo?

Tattoo, will you never learn?

Oh, no, boss. But this is fantastic.

It’s a new lighter that works on water.

Water?

No butane gas?

No lighter fluid?

Only water.

It’s a real energy saver. Let me show you how it works.

[♪♪]

Just one minute.

Oh, shoot.

Tattoo,

I must admit I was wrong about your cousin Hugo.

You are going to make millions of dollars

from a lighter like that.

But, boss, how can I?

This thing don’t even work.

Simple.

Merely sell it to people who want to quit smoking.

But--

[♪♪]

Can I move in with you?

No. I’ve got a better idea.

Why don’t, uh...?

Why don’t I move in with you?

[LAUGHS] Okay.

Whatever you want.

Mr. Roarke has left me a beautiful costume

for the festival.

So let’s dress up,

have fun and then come home.

I’ll go to my hotel and get my stuff.

I’ll see you in a little while. Okay.

All right, honey.

Bye-bye.

So long.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[SCREAMING]

So the guy sitting on the lower porch is furious.

Water keeps dripping. He yells, "Hey,

that water is dripping down. That’s my wife sitting here."

And the other guy yells down, "What do you think I got here?

A duck?" [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Hey, wait a minute. That’s my kids.

Let me get out of here. Why not stay

and straighten matters out.

Just a minute. Hold it.

You set this whole thing up, didn’t you?

Dad.

Aren’t you gonna ask to join you?

You promised me my shot.

So I did, Mr. Parks.

Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Uh, you might as well sit down.

Do me a favor though.

Save the lectures, huh?

Dad, we want you to call this whole thing off

and come home with us.

I can’t. I’m committed $20,000 worth.

Dad, that’s your life savings.

How can one silly fantasy be so expensive?

Well, it all adds up fast.

Mr. Roarke had to locate Will, fly him in.

He’s also flying in

critics, bookers, agents,

costumes, music, theater rentals.

I figure I got off cheap.

How can I make you two understand

I have to go through with this?

Have to? What does that mean?

What are you two doing to me?

I’m your father.

I’m the guy that raised you, wiped your nose,

changed your diapers.

Doesn’t that count for anything?

Dad. Don’t you see

everybody’s got a right to their dream?

Everybody’s got a right to take a shot at the big time.

I never realized that 35 years ago.

Dad, you’re 66 years old.

Oh. What does that mean?

So roll over and play dead?

Sixty-six is a number.

It’s how you feel inside that counts.

Adam, Doris, please.

Don’t dump me in that old folks’ home.

That’s nothing but a dying room.

Stop talking like that.

Then stop giving me a reason to talk like that.

Give this up. Come home with us.

Listen to her. She’s right.

She’s not right. Neither one of you is right.

When that curtain goes up tonight,

Parks and Fields are gonna be there, center stage.

Dad, I’ll make room. Come with me.

It’s my responsibility.

You can move in with Jim and me.

I’ll fix up the room. Thanks.

You mean the one off the garage? No, thanks.

But there is something you can do for me

if it isn’t asking too much.

It’d be nice to have one’s own

flesh and blood out front applauding for us.

Dad, don’t do this to yourself.

[♪♪]

Boss. Boss.

You’re not gonna let them

take their father’s fantasy away, are you?

It’s not up to me, Tattoo.

That decision belongs to their father.

You look like a troubled man.

Uh, I’ve been debating some things my kids said.

Maybe they’re right.

I’ve been living out a fantasy of desperation.

Either I bring back vaudeville

or I pack myself off to the old folks’ home.

Uh, vaudeville isn’t coming back.

It’s dead and buried.

And I’m not so sure I won’t be better off the same way.

You’re just scared.

Sure, I’m scared.

You ever try standing up on that stage

with the whole audience looking right at you?

I’ve got a better one for you.

Try being a midget and have the world look down on you.

Sometime I wake up in the morning

and I don’t even want to get out of bed.

But you can’t live your life in hiding.

Mr. Parks, you’ve been waiting 35 years for this chance.

Don’t chicken out now.

Come on.

You’re gonna kill them tonight.

Thanks, Tattoo.

You’re welcome.

You’re a good man.

Sí.

Miss Weller, please.

She’s not in, senor.

Though the lady asked where she could find a seamstress

to fit a costume. I’ll leave a message for her

and make damn sure you get it right.

What is the message?

Who is this? I think you know, Tom.

Yeah, I know.

No running this time. Understand?

I’ll be very close to the lady.

Make sure you meet her at the carnival by midnight

or I’ll kill her.

That’s the choice. Uh-huh? Or you.

ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Parks and Fields.

[VAUDEVILLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLAPPING]

WILL: I wrote you a letter. Why didn’t you answer it?

CHARLIE: I never received it.

You never received it?

No. Didn’t like some of the things you said.

They’re staring at us.

Uh, uh, hey, I think I’ve seen your face before.

Go on. It certainly is.

Say, uh, do you know that, uh, in India,

the Mohammedan, they pray in the street.

That’s nothing.

In Los Angeles, pedestrians do the same thing.

[LAUGHS]

Give me a quote from the Bible.

From the Bible.

Judas went out and hanged himself.

[SQUEAKS]

Yeah. Give me another one.

Go now and do likewise.

We better keep moving.

♪ We were sailing along ♪

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

♪ We could hear The voices ringing ♪

♪ They seem to say ♪

♪ You stole my heart ♪

♪ Now don’t go away ♪

♪ As we sang love So sweet song ♪

♪ on Moonlight Bay ♪

♪ We sang along ♪

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

♪ We could hear The voices ringing ♪

♪ They seem to say ♪

♪ You have stolen my heart ♪

♪ Now don’t go away ♪

♪ As we sang love So sweet song ♪

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

Bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo.

I love it.

[♪♪]

What happened, Charles?

What went wrong? We did.

What?

Will, we blew it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

I was beginning to think that I’d lost you all over again.

You gotta get away as fast as you can.

But I thought you said we’d always be safe.

I was wrong. Come on.

There’s no hope. We’ve got to separate.

Now go that way. No!

Please, run!

Go on!

I’ll meet you at the boathouse tomorrow.

Now run! Tom.

[GUNSHOT]

I’m sorry, Miss Weller.

There’s nothing anyone can do for him now.

He’s dead. [GASPS]

CHARLIE: ♪ I’m ♪

♪ Always chasing rainbows ♪

♪ Watching clouds Drifting by ♪

♪ My schemes ♪

♪ Are just like All my dreams ♪

♪ Standing in the sky ♪

♪ Some fellas look And find the sunshine ♪

♪ I always look And find the rain ♪

♪ Some fellas Make a winning ♪

♪ Sometimes I never Even make a gain ♪

♪ Believe me ♪

♪ I’m always Chasing rainbows ♪

♪ Waiting to find A little bluebird ♪

♪ In vain ♪

[APPLAUSE]

We waited for you at the reception.

I’m sorry. I never learned how to smile through a flop.

At least they don’t throw tomatoes anymore.

Don’t be too hasty, Mr. Parks.

Allow me to introduce Mr. Jeff Logan.

He has a business proposition for Parks and Fields.

Hey, he said our names.

You mean us as a team?

JEFF: Of course. Gentlemen,

I head up a pilot program for the city of Baltimore

and I believe we could use your talents.

Hold that just a minute. What’s with the pilot program?

We’re a little old for flight training. Am I right, Will?

They’re short on astronauts and listen.

[CHUCKLES]

Gentlemen, we realize that the morale of the elderly

is as important as good health.

They need entertainment as much as anyone.

Maybe more because,

well, they’ve more time to enjoy it.

But not everything works for them.

We gave them rock music and failed miserably.

They seemed to like the tried and true.

You know what I mean?

You mean the old stuff.

Like our material. Listen to the man.

Well, it’s called a time-tested,

solid like the audience.

You’d be entertaining at old age homes,

veterans’ hospitals, senior citizen centers,

parks, you name it.

The pay is not astronomical,

but it is a living and the benefits are great.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You actually want Fields and Parks

to work for the city government?

Very much so.

Well, if you think for one solitary minute

that a class act like us

is going to accept a deal like that...

you’re absolutely right.

Okay, partner? Okay, partner.

We’ll kill them.

We’ll murder them everywhere we go.

You’ve never lost it, pal.

My buddy.

Thomas Parnell played a perilous role in life.

He lived dangerously.

Always conscious that the price of failure

could mean his own death as indeed it was.

And now we return his body to the Earth

from which we all sprang

and to which we shall all someday return.

Amen.

[PRAYING IN LATIN]

It’s my fault that he died.

Oh, no, no, no.

Don’t blame yourself. Don’t.

But why?

The only way they found him was by-- By following me.

[♪♪]

It’s time, Miss Weller.

Why are we stopping here?

I’m told a proprietor found another bottle

of Cuevas de Campanet

I thought perhaps you might like a glass.

For old times’ sake.

[♪♪]

Senor. Senorita. Buenas dias.

I understand you found another bottle of Cuevas de Campanet?

I’m so sorry.

I sold the last bottle to the gentleman back there.

[FOLK LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Perdón, señor. Un momento, por favor.

Tom!

Buenas dias.

Oh. But I just watched them bury you.

You saw an empty casket buried.

But I saw them shoot you.

Mr. Roarke

gave me this bullet proof vest

and I wore it underneath my costume.

Then you deliberately led me to think that--

What? Well, you were just using me.

True, Miss Weller.

To fulfill Mr. Parnell’s fantasy in the only way possible.

Your fantasy? Mm-hm.

He came here to die

so you could both have a chance to live.

To stage the assassination and, uh,

persuade the killer that he had succeeded,

we needed your honest, sincere, unsuspecting grief.

The would-be killer left the island half an hour ago.

It’s a dirty trick to play on somebody you love,

but it worked.

I hope you forgive me. I do.

I think it’s time for Miss Weller’s plan.

Your fantasy is over, Miss Weller.

Are you leaving here? Mm-mm.

Not for a long time.

Gonna have to establish a new identity

then find another way to make a living.

It may take a long time.

Then I’m staying too.

Are you sure you want to?

Yes.

My fantasy isn’t over, Mr. Roarke.

It’s only just beginning.

Indeed.

[♪♪]

[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Where’s our plane?

It’s right over there on that trimotor.

Oh, why do they call it the trimotor?

’Cause if one motor don’t work, they try another one.

Honey--

A walk in Walla Walla.

CHARLIE: Hey, goodbye!

Goodbye, Mr. Roarke, and thanks for the fantasy.

Oh, you are most welcome, Mr. Parks,

but remember that your fantasy’s now a reality.

Hey, Tattoo, why don’t you put on high heels

and ask for more money.

Is he the greatest?

Goodbye, kids. So long. Bye, kids.

Boss, do you wanna see my newest invention?

Do I have a choice?

This is a fly killer.

Money-back guarantee.

Two blocks of wood?

How’s it work?

Want me to show you how it work?

Look.

This is called block A and this is called block B.

You understand? Yes.

First, you’ve gotta catch a fly.

Then you put the fly on block A.

Then you take block B

and you smash it against block A.

May I offer a suggestion, my friend?

Back to the old drawing board.

"First you catch a fly."

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]