Original subtitles

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Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Quit teasing her.

Lowe, your brother's here.

Oh, oh, great!

Hey, boss, slowly, will you?

Hey, hey, we're coming!

Jin, get your head out of the clouds and bowl of strike.

I ate too many french fries, I can't stop respiring.

I forgot to wear a bra and I feel like I'm gonna fart.

I'll think I'm a pig.

You know...

I'll think I'm a pig.

You know, every time that guy comes in here,

your team average drops by about 20 pins.

He obviously isn't interested in any one of you girls.

Listen, my portfolio. I want to include a series of nudes.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea. What's the problem?

No problem. I just want you to take them. Tomorrow.

I want the best, so I want you to take them.

Yeah.

Listen, do you have some french toast?

A disgustingly sticky plateful was just delivered to the table.

Well, just Mr. Hartbreak could do that. So goddamn special anyway.

I'm gonna look at him. He looks like he's still fucking high school.

He is. But he just got some six-figured job as photo editor at Central Standard magazine.

How did you know that?

I'm in charge of the magazine's computer operations.

Small world, huh?

Hey, you. Weren't you some big-time ice-gator?

No, small-time. That's probably why you remember me.

How's Greg? Greg's great.

Hey, what about, um, Smiley over there? What's her story?

She doesn't say much, but she's a great listener.

So what do you say, listener?

What do you think of Mr. Perfect up there?

I trust him. He turns negatives into positives.

He has unbelievable confidence.

He doesn't have to test strangers before getting to know them.

I wonder if any player can understand me.

I beg your pardon?

Hi Mrs. poundingia.

Myidian不到.

Shit!

I'll have a cheeseburger on a whole wheat bun

and order fries and a Diet Cherry Coke?

That's good.

You've used that one before, haven't you?

No, actually I made it out.

No, no, I heard it on the movie or something.

Make up something else.

Do you think anyone knows how much the average human turd weighs?

Just slow down, lady.

Evelin

Evelin

Evelin

Evelin

Why?

Because I've always lusted after Evelyn.

Evelyn, my friend Evelyn?

I've always been attracted to much older people,

people wiser than myself, more experienced.

So you could suck the not so well out of it?

No, no, no.

I'm only interested in the fact that I'm a bit older than you.

But honey, you haven't even had a steady girlfriend yet.

I haven't had any girlfriend yet.

But Evelyn, why don't you set your sights more realistically

on someone you could share your interests with,

maybe even someone more your own age?

I find her independent nature arousing.

What do you mean?

When she'd bring Denise over here for my birthday parties,

she'd be the only parent who didn't sing Happy Birthday to you.

I don't know if she's ever been in a relationship with me.

I don't know if she's ever been in a relationship with me.

She's never been in a relationship with me.

I'm the only parent who didn't sing Happy Birthday to you.

She was also the only one who took me aside

and asked me if there was any special birthday gift that I wanted.

She always came to those parties empty-handed but not empty-headed.

Your son wants to know what he's missing by not dating

because he's waiting for the perfect romance.

Lossed opportunities.

Nothing hurts more, it lasts longer than lost opportunities.

in the art of courtship.

But I wasn't much good at practicing what I preached.

I was waiting tables at Howard Johnson's.

So was this beautiful girl, 16 years old.

Eileen Barnett.

I was 18 years old.

I hadn't even kissed a girl.

The night before I left for Urbana, August the 10th, 1968,

it was a Tuesday.

I asked her out on a date.

It was cloudy.

On the way home, I said something stupid like,

if I wasn't going away, could I have been your boyfriend?

We sat in front of her parents' house in silence.

She started to kiss me.

She put her tongue in my mouth.

I was petrified.

My mind was reeling.

I almost passed out.

I didn't know what she was doing.

I mean, she probably would have done anything.

I pulled away, said goodbye.

Driving home, I passed the Lincoln Savings Bank.

It was 77 degrees.

I don't remember that.

I got a good memory for police work.

I got a good memory for lost opportunities.

Never saw her again.

Think about her sometime.

Now I think about her a lot.

And Mom, how do you feel about old Eileen?

I feel good.

Your father loves me.

He respects my privacy.

He's never cheated on me.

And he doesn't beat his kids.

Why should I begrudge him as fantasies?

That sounds insincere.

It doesn't.

Insincereity is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't fall into your old judgmental ways, pal.

What's out there now?

Oh, there's Rebecca.

Must be exactly 9 o'clock.

She's always the first one to arrive at your parties.

And she's always the first one to arrive at anything.

Yeah.

She never seems to have much to say to anyone, though.

I am your father, and you are my daughter.

I will always be the first one to arrive.

I will always be the first one to arrive.

Why does that matter?

Hey, listen.

Listen, I want you to meet someone.

Hi.

Come here.

I want you to meet my very first babysitter.

What lies are you spreading about me now, Yankee?

I didn't even use the sheets.

So, what do you think about the youngest photo editor in history?

Why don't you come with me?

Greg's holding court over by the door,

and he's looking forward to seeing you come out.

Uh-uh, I think I'd rather tell the crowd things out.

Oh, you'll be so into people you've known all your life.

This woman is the greatest storyteller north or south

with a Mason Dixon line.

She inspired me to become a guitar player.

When I used to babysit for him,

he wouldn't soil his diapers till his mama came home.

That's how courteous he was.

And as well, Patty was the one who taught me

that cleanliness is next to godliness.

Excuse me, searching for a friend.

Hey, I just flew 1500 miles,

so you wouldn't have to look so hard.

A little gin, a little time.

A lot of bone, a lot of bit.

That's the name.

Thanks, Bob.

This one.

Yeah, hey.

Hi.

Another Long Island Ice Tea?

You having fun?

Lemon or lime?

Um, how about one full?

Does it suit you?

Ah, we're out of lemons.

Two limes?

Coming to Bolín for a decent Sunday?

Yeah.

Oh, stop.

Oh, stop.

Damn it.

I haven't seen you since you delivered the pizza

at the surprise party on my birthday.

Well, I came early,

and you just have the spandex shorts,

Virginia in through the door wearing t-shirt panties,

and then just fuck look on her face.

Yeah.

Thank you, Rhonda.

But Virginia is Chloe's friend,

and she just slept over,

and Chloe left early for traffic school.

Don't worry, Greg.

She looked like she'd been well fucked.

Excuse me, do you know what time it is?

Um, 11...

27?

Just close enough, thanks.

You know, Aurora, Texas is the only town

where you can be excused from jury duty

by checking other on the notification

and explaining that God told you not to serve.

You live across the street, don't you?

Yeah.

You work in the library at school, don't you?

That's right.

My mom's a librarian, so I'm naturally drawn to books

and quiet people and librarians.

I'm Denise Edwards.

You're Rebecca Meyer, right?

Yeah.

Did you come here with your mom?

No, I'm here by myself.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean anything bad.

I just knew Greg and your mom were friends.

So that's okay. Forget it.

I shouldn't have jumped down your throat.

Are you gonna stay at the party for a while?

I'm sorry.

No.

There's too much penis envy in this room.

There's too much penis envy in this house.

I'm excited.

You're very disturbed.

Do you wanna come in?

No, I don't even wanna see them when they're done.

You are such a hypocrite. Now, come on in.

Now, why does he wanna do this so early in the morning?

I trust him.

You don't.

I thought you were being supportive about my modeling.

All right, I'll come in a little bit.

I thought you were just a little bit.

I'll come in, but I won't watch.

You're not invited to watch, but I'll be glad you're inside.

Now come on, and I still have to take out my diaphragm

before we get started.

Hey, Sid.

How's things in the bagel business?

Fine.

But we're discontinuing the onion and jalapeno bagel,

though.

Look, Chloe, I gotta go.

I'll call you.

Sid, sit, kitchen, wait.

Chloe, I'm all ready for you.

You ready?

Sure, sure.

I just have to go to the bathroom.

But don't shower, OK?

OK.

Sid, milk and cookies on the table.

Patty baked some chocolate chip cookies last night.

Help yourself.

And, Sid, don't kill Trip, my sister.

What, is he selling tickets?

Where's Chloe?

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

Chloe's makeup for one.

Are you just going to sit there eating milk and cookies?

This could take a while.

Oh, you're here to do her makeup.

You know, this is something I've always wanted to ask you.

What qualifications do you have?

What are you talking about?

I've been doing Chloe's makeup since she started modeling.

Christ, I've been doing Chloe's makeup since second grade.

You've never even been to a beautician or a cosmetology

school.

I've got experience.

You know, Greg has never been to photography school either.

You know, but you have got quite an attitude for someone

who's destined to become a professional boyfriend.

Professionally speaking, that is.

Chloe, are you upstairs?

Yeah.

I think you're going to experience a lot of downtime

in this career of yours.

Hey, is it warm enough down here for you?

Um, yeah, I think so.

Well, maybe, yeah, maybe a little chilly.

Because I can turn the heat up some more if you'd like.

No, no, this is fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah, sure.

OK.

OK, Chloe, I want you to look directly

into the lens of the cameras if it were a mirror.

All right?

OK.

I don't want any music playing because this isn't your bedroom.

You're looking into a full-length mirror

before you get into your shower.

OK.

OK, you scrutinize yourself.

People, men and women, are always telling you

how beautiful you are.

Well, they're full of shit in a way.

You know you're far from perfect?

You're blemishes.

They're blemishes no one may ever see.

But you know where they are, and you will always see them.

Your legs, your legs need shaving.

You better remember that you haven't shaved in about three days.

Two days.

Chloe, could you just take that leg down slightly?

You spread your legs apart.

You watch.

Your flesh move.

You don't take your face away from the mirror.

You lift one leg, one rung up on the stool.

That's it, but not the other.

Because there are still secrets you're keeping from yourself.

You memorize yourself.

You think, will I ever allow anyone else this opportunity?

This opportunity to just look, to study,

to see the discoloration of your moles,

to see the way the flesh of your thighs expands ever so slightly

when you sit down.

Well, maybe not so slightly.

Maybe a little too much.

Your pubic hair is not one, but two different colors.

Now, you may let someone who might care about you,

perhaps even love you, need your flesh,

use you for pleasure,

but they'll never ever know what you look like right now.

You're doing just great.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

Well, Sid, you see, I'm Chloe's girlfriend,

and I came to drop off a pair of skates

that she left to my trunk the other day.

You're Chloe's boyfriend, and I suppose that's why you're here.

Is she done with the shoot yet?

No, I don't think it's ever gonna end.

I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it.

It's never gonna end.

Well, don't you want to take a vacation or something

before you start your new job?

Yeah, I don't think so.

That last one with you, though, was pretty damn special.

Oh! Especially the return trip.

My God, I told you everything.

You milked me dry.

There are no more secrets between us.

Oh, now come on.

That can't be true.

If I hadn't been drinking on the plane,

I would have known better than to tell you

I was keeping anything to myself.

Well, after living together for 16 years,

we finally got to know one another.

God, it was fun, though, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was great.

So?

Did you know...

Grandma was a lesbian?

No.

One last secret.

How do you know?

I don't believe it.

Well, she was visiting for a couple of weeks, years ago, of course.

And, well, I don't know,

you were at that photography exhibition in New York with Dad.

Oh, the Sally Mann exhibition.

I guess. Anyway, we all went swimming at Cumberland Pool.

It was hot, humid, sticky.

It was a weekend, I suppose.

You could smell rotting fruit everywhere.

I remember that vividly.

I was having a great time.

I never saw her have so much fun.

I could have sworn she was smoking a joint with that,

but Stevie Powell behind the refreshment area.

She wasn't, was she?

No. No, she was just...

She was just happy, you know, like you are all the time.

Anyway, we get home,

and I go upstairs to change for a date,

and, um, I was just wearing panties, no bra.

And grandma came in,

and she stopped and just stared at me.

It was... it was awkward.

I felt like she was standing there for an hour.

And then she snapped out of it

and apologized for barging in.

She said she thought it was her room.

But she was breathing heavily,

and I thought either walking upstairs had winded her,

or she was having a stroke,

and she was going to drop dead right there in my bedroom.

She took a deep breath,

and she told me she was gay.

She said she loved grandpa,

but that she'd always been gay, and he knew about it.

And then she walked towards me,

and she touched my breast with the back of her hand.

And she said,

it's been years since I've seen anything that perfect.

She was almost 60 then.

I mean, were you scared?

No. No, it's funny.

I didn't think there was anything wrong about her touching me.

Instead, I wanted to ask her all kinds of questions about her life,

her past, what it was like growing up like that,

if she told anyone else in the family,

if she told anyone she worked with at that shoe factory.

But, you know, I didn't want to pry.

Does dad know?

I have no idea.

And so what happened?

Nothing. It was just a moment that...

Well, despite the million and one questions

thundering through my brain,

it was just a moment that suddenly seemed right to me.

And she kissed me on the forehead and walked out.

And she never talked to you about it again?

No.

And you never asked?

No.

Oh, I would have asked.

Yeah, she never would have told you in the first place.

Why not?

Because you would have continued to pry.

You know, everybody thinks they know me so well.

Only the women.

Why?

Because you let them.

So, this is it for a chick.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Well, I wanted to apologize for not making a party the other night.

Did you have a good time?

Well, didn't Denise tell you about it?

No, no, she didn't.

Well, I missed you, believe me.

Um, where were you?

I'll tell you later.

So, are you actually leaving today?

No, tomorrow.

Listen, uh...

Um...

If...

If I wasn't, um...

I don't know.

I'll just...

I'll just...

I'll just directly, I suppose.

Um...

If I wasn't moving away, um...

Do you think it would have been possible

if you could have become my girlfriend?

If you were still living here with your mother, my friend,

and your father, the policeman?

You know what I mean.

Uh, listen, do you have a beer inside?

Sure.

Sure, come on in.

But, uh, be careful.

Be careful, though.

Here you go.

You know,

when your family first moved in here,

your mom was awfully good to me.

She had them treat me like royalty in the hospital

when I had Denise.

You know, even though we didn't have insurance at the time.

And she'd always take me along to choir rehearsals

because she knew I loved to hear her sing,

even though I wouldn't go to the services with her

because I'm an agnostic.

Just hope she doesn't go neurotic on me.

You don't like neurotic people?

No, you know, I like them. They're cute.

I just don't have time for them.

When I was first married,

my husband, I used to love to squeeze his blackheads and pimples.

He had the cutest little blackheads, right?

His waist underneath his belt.

But he wouldn't let me squeeze those, especially ones on his neck,

because he thought it would cut off the supply of oxygen to his brain.

He must have been kidding.

No, no, no. I mean, serious.

One thing he was good at was being serious.

My sister, she likes to squeeze the pimples on her boyfriends.

Well, you know, all women love to feel pussed.

No, my mom.

My mom wouldn't like it.

She works in hospitals a lot, and she's developed this fear of blood.

I mean, looking at it.

Yeah, well, see what I mean?

I mean, you know, I personally do not trust people who have a fear of bodily fluids.

I mean, she has two kids. She must have sex at least twice there, right?

God, can she sing?

You know, really think it's the most honest thing anyone can do.

Can you sing?

Me?

No.

What are you doing?

Do you have any cavities as a kid?

Three.

Three altogether?

I think I must have had about 300.

My husband's life at one.

Really?

Sure, that's why I'm married.

You haven't answered my question.

I'm trying to get to know you first.

You thought you knew my mother because she could sing?

You might be as bright as I am.

Well, don't you ever respond to someone instinctively instead of intellectually?

I thought you were trying to get me to stay instead of having me leave.

No, I was just curious.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

But why don't you kiss me?

Why don't we go upstairs to your bedroom?

You can be more comfortable there.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll be more comfortable there.

I wouldn't go in there far with you.

Why?

Well, let's just say the man of the house wouldn't appreciate being interrupted just now.

What's going on?

Listen, don't fuck up my tip. Just don't go in there.

My mother's in there.

Just don't.

Oh, come on.

What attracted you to me?

Really?

I didn't think you'd be too demanding.

Well, your life doesn't seem too taxing.

Maybe you could use some...

I don't know, not demands.

Maybe some controls in your life.

Same thing, why?

It's a challenge.

Well, I tell you, I have plenty of demands in my life.

My daughter is demanding for one.

I mean, ever since birth, she's been daddy's little girl.

I had to beg for her attention.

And she didn't want me to breastfeed her.

She wouldn't even invite me to her own birthday parties.

God.

But then her father died, and she wants me around constantly.

I mean, I feel like I'm cheating on her when I see my boyfriend when she's at school.

You're trying to see these scars, it just reminds me of what a bad mother I am.

Those are stretch marks, not scars.

You know, you're being a very good patient.

I like to take your splinters out when you get them.

Yeah, well, you must find it very difficult making friends.

I have a lot of friends.

Good friends?

What's a good friend?

How many friends do you have?

I have six or seven good friends.

I don't think that's very many.

How do you keep your friends?

Intimidation?

Or sex?

We don't relatively chase.

You're only the second man I've been with in five years.

What happened to the last one?

Nothing happened.

He's doing fine.

Oh.

I see.

You're testing me.

What's that fright?

I don't know.

I don't know how it makes me feel.

Not jealous, competitive?

Maybe.

That's too bad because I have no intention of giving him up.

You're trying to scare me.

Well, don't you want to have a relationship?

I'm just being open and honest with you.

Besides, you know, I could fuck your brains out every day.

It doesn't constitute a relationship.

Let's just take a day of time.

Come on in. The door is open.

Hi Denise.

Hi. Is Greg here?

Sure.

Greg!

Denise, are you still skating?

No.

What's the point?

Just to watch the parents let their kids out to the rink and...

you know, like kids fall down, they get their hands run over and fingers split open and stuff.

Yeah, that's true.

I...

I haven't been skating much either since I started modeling.

I'm Greg! Greg!

You know, why don't you just go upstairs? He's in his bed.

Denise, would you ask him if he's staying for dinner?

Sure.

Thanks.

Well, I want an intern because the first work someone does usually turns out to be the best work they ever do,

and I want to be the beneficiary of their best. You should too.

No matter what they look like or where they eat.

We can worry about a full-time situation in August.

Yeah.

Yeah, let me hang up.

I've got someone here and it makes me sick to hear me talking like this.

Like a boss.

Please. Goodbye.

Oh, God.

I'm hiring a secretary.

Or rather an assistant.

I'm sorry you had to hear that. I'm sorry I had to hear it.

Here.

Well, you didn't have to get me anything.

I didn't. It's your diploma.

Mr. Cummings asked me to bring it over to you.

Well, he couldn't mail it, baffles me.

I think you just wanted to shake the hand of the person who would actually deliver it to you.

Doesn't it feel funny to have me standing here talking to you this way?

What do you mean?

Don't you think my mother's tits are beginning to sag a bit?

I'll show you my tits. They're bigger and firmer than my mother's. Why don't you compare?

How did you find out?

You made the society pages of the trip. Didn't you think it would?

Well, look, it isn't about sex.

Then what is it about?

I'm not sure yet.

Oh, that's nice. But you'll keep fucking my mother until you do know what it is about.

Oh, sweet. Calm down.

You look so nervous. I hope your heart is pounding a mile a minute.

Make me understand how you could do something like this to me.

If you're trying to make me feel bad, you've succeeded and I don't like the feeling.

Do you know that in that hallway at school where all the pictures of the class offices are mounted,

yours is the only one that hasn't been vandalized?

I haven't had a good relationship with my mom in years.

I didn't want to have to seek out Mr. Wonderful for suggestions.

My mom's always felt compelled to use men to feel needed. I never have.

I never thought Mr. Wonderful himself would become one of her prey.

Haven't you ever had a crush on someone you thought of as unattainable?

Sure, but they're just fantasies in some fantasy world.

I don't fantasize anymore.

Sex is the most powerful weapon I know. You're using it against me.

My mom's using it against you. You know, forget it. I'm leaving.

Wait, Denise. Denise, don't debase yourself.

I mean, no matter how used or defenseless someone may make you feel.

What are you talking about?

What you said when you came in.

Oh, my tits. You're unbelievable.

I don't use sex to prove my worth.

Anyway, didn't I already expose enough of myself to you today?

Congratulations on your early graduation.

You know, Greg, mom just rattled off.

No, honey, not again.

She just rattled off ten of the most memorable days of her life,

and dad didn't figure into any one of them.

I get it.

Chloe, first retouch proof.

How are they?

I think you'll be happy.

Are you happy?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it was before I found out about this,

but I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you're happy.

Yeah, yeah, well, it was before I found out about this new pastel

transfer process. Chris has been working on it.

Oh, my God.

Well, let's take some more.

No, take a look at these first.

I don't think you're a model who has to rely on new technology.

Oh, hi, Laurie. Do you want some breakfast?

No, no, thanks.

Chloe and I are going to the flea market.

You're an hour early,

and I wanted to get here before Greg left.

So you could jump his bones?

So I could say goodbye.

Liar.

Greg, these are great.

Thanks.

You know, you are the strangest family I've ever met.

Did you know that Greg took these photographs?

I suggested it.

Did you really?

No.

Chloe, you know the last time you had a slumber party when you were 15?

Laurie snuck into my bedroom at four in the morning,

kissed me on the cheek, fondled my butt.

You were sleeping.

I can't even have told me that.

What? What else do I know about you?

Mr. and Mr. Schroeder, I'm really sorry.

No, no, no, I was unpacking last week.

I came across this note that I'd written to myself when I was eight years old.

It was dated January 1982.

And it said, I promise never to argue with my parents ever again.

I have the greatest parents in the world.

I didn't know that.

I wrote it because that was the only time I'd ever heard Mom and Dad have what I'd call a violent fight.

I scared the hell out of me.

That is one of the ten most memorable days of my life.

God, we ought to have breakfast together more often.

All right, I've really got to go.

I'm meeting the movers at three and I've got to interview assistive candidates at 12.

All right, buddy. Good luck.

Thanks.

You know, we'll always be here for you.

I hope I hear that too in a couple years.

And listen, you can reduce the life to a lousy ten days

and even begin to get a sense of what really influences people.

Thanks.

Well, come here and give me a kiss.

Get your tongue out of my mouth.

Chloe, Chloe's kidding.

God, you take everything so seriously.

You're going to be dead of old age by the time you're 20.

Before I leave, truly, what do you think of the photographs?

I think you should take up ice skating as a career instead of modeling.

It's less scary.

Aren't you old to start skating as a career?

Come on, Greg, we'll walk out.

Let's go.

A clock?

Okay.

I'll get a clock.

See you in the fond of my things.

Bye.

See you.

Bye.

That was...

Super cool.

Stop.

You talked?

The fuck?

Yeah.

Farted.

Fuck, sad skin like it.

Dick yea, I had the dirty skin on my Pigortex delivery.

idy

A few anarquized photos with the entire Sofia gift.

You sinned at the time.

The world is mostly colourful skin with black.

How do you know she was up?

Because I heard her going back and forth to the bathroom.

She does that when she can't sleep, sort of like a nervous tick.

Maybe I should talk to her.

Greg, how much does the World Way...

How much is the World Way?

Why do you think I'd know?

Because you're carrying the weight of it around on your shoulders.

Besides, I...

I'm not giving her another chance at dead by happiness.

Are you happy?

I am.

And I'll be happier when I get my master's,

quit the library, and start up my own practice.

Well, I didn't know you were going to school, a master's and what.

Hmm.

School.

I think I grew up too fast.

I never had much of a childhood,

My parents ganged me out of school

when I was in the seventh grade

and finished my education at home.

So whenever I was on my own, you know,

I never knew what it was like to act my own age.

My parents always liked me quick to make value judgments.

Now I'm exactly like them, right?

Work with me on that. I'll stay with you.

Stop the car.

No.

Well, this is fairly disgusting.

It belies what the magazine is supposed to stand for,

but they promised to let me create my own style.

It's poison.

Why don't you tell me what you really think?

You're just suffering from buyers and remorseless.

Buyers and more?

You bought corporate America.

It looks haunted.

You know, my aunt, she thought her bathroom was haunted.

After each of her bowel movements,

she'd look into the toilet and there'd be nothing there.

Haunted turrets.

I was really there all the time.

I was just lurking around the corners.

Who knows what lurks around these corners?

I should find some other interest,

making harpsichords or something.

Just remember, you can't be everyone's friend and advisor

if you're going to be a rebel.

In fact, you can't be anyone's friend.

You're wrong, Evelyn.

Why harpsichords?

I don't know.

Where do you want to put this one?

I really don't know if there's room for another one.

You know, I thought we could take them to the children's hospital

just a few blocks from here.

Yeah, well, give me that card, would you?

Well, it's not really a card.

Jesus.

Rebecca Meyer.

God, it was awfully nice of her considering we barely speak.

Read it.

Dear Greg, I've never written a letter to a friend before.

I feel you consider me a friend, even though you barely know me.

I do write letters, lots of letters,

letters to advice columns.

I've written dozens of them.

I've written dozens of them.

I've written dozens of them.

I've written dozens of them.

But don't start scanning the newspapers for them

because none of them have ever been printed.

None of them have ever been answered.

A perfect record.

I hope you answer this letter.

It's all true and it's all sincere.

I'm intensely shy.

Most of the people I know seem to be shy around strangers,

but I'm shy around friends.

I've known you for about ten years now

and I still get knots in my stomach when I try and talk to you.

Why is that?

Insecurity, I suppose.

I feel so ill at ease around people I don't know.

When I go to a 7-eleven, my eyes avert the clerk's eyes

and I'm in such a rush to get out of there

that as soon as I receive my change,

I start to rush out without my purchase.

I have to laugh at myself.

Being insecure can be funny too.

My dad.

My father isn't really a part of my life at all.

He works three jobs, so he can keep making mortgage payments

on a house we can't afford,

in a neighborhood we can't afford to live in.

That keeps him busy about 20 hours a day.

He sleeps the other four.

My mom, on the other hand, is a social butterfly.

I think she struggles hard to be so busy 24 hours a day,

so she won't notice my dad's not around.

But she won't do anything alone.

She's a very dependent person, like mother like daughter.

I'm always going out too, going out to play bridge with my mother,

going to church bingo games with my mother,

going to Schlagerhorns to shop with my mother.

She'd never bring herself to shop in a mall, though.

She thinks they're vulgar.

I think she simply wants to avoid sales.

She doesn't want to admit to herself that we need to shop inexpensively.

My mom makes her gynecology appointments for 5.30 in the afternoon on Fridays.

Why?

So she can invite me along.

Fun, huh?

I wish I could tell her to live her own life,

to reacquaint herself with her husband.

Each day I continue to live under that roof,

and that roof leads to more vivid dreams at night.

I used to dream only in black and white.

Then I began to dream in color, and the colors would suffocate me.

Now I dream in 3D and stereophonic sound.

Sometimes I wonder whether my folks have any money

sucked away I'll inherit someday.

I hope that's really why my father's working three jobs.

I'm really not a greedy person,

but I have this fantasy in which there's no will,

and they live to be very, very old.

They're dull lives and they're dull personalities

drawn on for decades.

And then on the night that I lose my virginity,

my parents finally pass away.

So now I'm alone, on my own for the first time in my life,

and I'm 59 years old.

I have no concept of which generation I belong to,

or what my contemporaries are like,

or what my contemporaries' children are like.

My only recourse will be to seek you out for advice.

That is, if you're still alive,

if you haven't used yourself up on other people yet.

You think fast. Your mind works fast.

In fact, your advice may not be better than anyone else's,

but you're always the first one to speak it.

That's confidence, but I don't think it's wisdom.

I know you'll understand the feelings that I'm juggling

and see Fred this letter.

And I do hope that we can become friends at some later date.

Love, Rebecca.

Hi, Mom.

Good morning, Denise.

I almost said welcome home.

Why don't you ever call me honey?

Or baby, or love?

Because your name's Denise. Don't you like your name?

Listen, do you want to go out and have breakfast or something?

Looks like you already had breakfast.

I like to eat when I'm nervous,

and I get very nervous when you stay out all night,

so I repeat my question. Would you like to go out and have breakfast?

Sure.

Uh, no, later.

Denise, I want to move in with Greg's shoot.

That was fast.

But I thought it might be that.

Are you going to wait until I start college?

No, I want to move in right away.

What makes it so urgent? Why can't you wait three months?

He won't wait. I mean, he thinks he can wait, but he won't wait.

Look, I really wish he was still living across the street.

It would make life so much easier, but...

Now that he's on his own, you know, he's about to change for the last time in his life.

You know, for the last time before he's truly set in his ways,

and, you know, I want to be a part of that change. That's attractive to me.

You want to make him more like you, tougher and harder.

Listen to you.

I don't think I've been a very good mother to you.

In fact, I think I've been a lousy mother to you.

Your grandmother said that to me once?

No, no, no.

No, she wrote it to me. Not a hoot.

Sounds like you wanted to say it.

Sounds like you've been rehearsing it for years.

I really don't know.

I really wish, you know, I wish more than I could express.

But I could tell you to go and live with your father while I'm with Greg.

But I can't.

Do you miss Daddy?

You know I do.

You don't think of him as a failure because he died on you, do you?

He wasn't a failure. He just didn't take very good care of himself.

So when are you going to sell the house?

I can sell it now because the market's soft.

I'm going to have a broker rent it.

Then why are you kicking me out?

Well, I'm going to pay Greg for half of his rent.

And I can't afford the mortgage on the house also,

and you don't have a job and you can't afford it.

So I guess what I'm asking is,

if you can get a job so you can get a small apartment somewhere,

and then you can get a small apartment somewhere,

and then with the proceeds from the rental of the house,

I'll be able to help you out with some of it.

Will you please change out of that dress you were wearing yesterday?

Sure.

Who am I calling?

You don't have a boyfriend you can move in with, do you?

No.

Do you?

You're not in love with him!

Well, I never said I was in love with him.

I'm not in love with him.

I'm not in love with him.

I'm not in love with him.

Well, I never said I was in love with him.

Do you love me, Mom?

You know, your father was always trying to get me to tell him that I loved him,

and there was nothing more painful than being forced to tell someone that you loved him.

Painful for who? You're talking about yourself as usual.

I love you, Denise,

and I have loved you from the moment I first set eyes on you.

I just don't like the feeling of having to love you,

or that I have to keep reminding you that I love you.

Are you sure you don't need me for anything?

When will you be coming back?

A couple hours, maybe longer.

Sister Mary's coming over with some old issues of bon appetit.

I know she'd enjoy seeing you.

I'm just kidding. Where's your sense of humor?

You think all my friends are so square?

No.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. Where's your sense of humor?

You think all my friends are so square?

No, just fat.

Is someone really coming over?

I told you, Sister Mary.

Fat nun.

What?

What?

Would you rather I stay at home?

No, no.

I can come back earlier if you need to go anywhere.

Rebecca, you're always trying to mother me.

Okay, okay.

I'll see you later.

See you.

Oh, Rebecca.

What?

That jacket has lint all over it.

Do you think I should change?

No, but I've got to see Mr. Blanchard later tonight.

You can come with me and we'll leave it for him to take to the shop tomorrow.

I could use a dry cleaning. Don't you think?

You never seem to want to take care of your clothes.

Do you guys need a roommate?

Did you know that every fall,

I wait till I find out which electives you signed up for

before filling out my schedule?

Did you know I speak fluent French?

But you study Spanish.

I barely pass Spanish.

It drives my overall average way down.

Well, if you speak fluent French.

I hate Spanish.

I bet all your friends do.

I'm sorry.

I haven't answered your letter.

I don't know if or even how to respond to your situation.

My situation?

People can show you friendship without you having to live with them.

But I have to get away.

I need to be independent.

How do you do it?

Because I'm not a friend.

I'm not a friend.

I'm not a friend.

I'm not a friend.

I'm not independent.

How do you do it?

You're not really looking for friendship at all, are you?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, you're the closest thing to a friend I have.

And look how you're treating me.

Maybe that's what friendship is all about.

All I was missing was the rejection part.

Friendship is often about rejection,

but it's more often about honesty and chemistry.

That sounds more like love to me.

I don't agree.

Don't you love your friends?

What about Miss Edwards?

What do you think that's none of your business?

Look, I was thinking about you earlier tonight,

and I thought it would suggest that you call this friend

of mine.

He's a musician.

He lives here in St. Paul.

I'm not interested.

Would you like to know what I thought about after I

read your letter?

I thought it's really your parents whom

I'd like to help.

I mean, your father sounds like possibly the most selfish

person I've ever met.

And your mother sounds like she needs to be reacquainted

with your father.

Don't you know how much you're hurting me?

Stop fixating on me.

God, you know, whenever I see you at a party,

I swear I'll strike up a conversation with you,

because you always seem so lonely.

But I can never pin you down.

You're like this human pinball searching for the exit.

Now, I think that you come to every party,

and early, I might add, to celebrate misery.

I mean, is there any thing you like, anyone you like?

You.

Not me.

I'm just a control freak.

You're drawn to control freaks.

That's probably why you're attracted to your mother

in the way you are.

You probably see her as a control freak.

See, you can learn to understand me.

But I don't want to.

I don't like you.

There's no chemistry.

But I need help.

I can't afford therapy.

I don't care who else lives here.

Can I stay here?

I've just fallen in love for the first time in my entire life.

I mean, I want photographs of every single moment

of our relationship.

But for the first time, I want someone else to take the pictures.

I want to see how happy I am through someone else's eyes.

I don't know how long it's going to last.

But I do know that you've picked a particularly bad time

to come out of that closet of yours.

I don't believe you can let me walk out the door just like that.

Like what?

With me feeling like shit.

Let me think about it.

What?

What are you going to think about?

What do you like?

What do you mean?

In your letter, I got to know a lot about what

your dislikes are.

What is it that you like?

Most general terms?

Free exchange of emotion.

Can you be more specific?

Ben and Jerry's chunky monkey.

Wait, you like to speak French, right?

My father taught me how to speak French when I was a little girl.

I'm a little out of practice now.

I never said I liked it, Greg.

Hey, Rebecca!

Hi, Denise.

How are you doing?

Are you here with anyone?

No.

I was actually looking for a job.

Yeah, so am I.

I hate it.

I was supposed to be home hours ago.

You want to talk about it?

I prefer to go shopping.

OK, where do you want to go?

I'll go with you.

Formal wear at Brunelles?

That's a definite choice.

Let's go.

It's also an expensive choice.

I have my mother's credit cards.

How many did she give you?

All of them.

She, I kind of keep track of them for her.

That way she won't feel tempted to use them.

Your mom is clearly insane.

Is this a great outfit you're wearing?

Jack is fauful, isn't it?

Do you want to talk about it?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

I'll listen.

I can't.

You can.

I can't.

You can.

I can't.

Listen, there's no one here, and we want to spend a lot of money.

My friend is very shy, and she doesn't want to model all of these beautiful things for me.

She only wants to impress her husband.

You're married?

She was too shy to say no.

Oh, well, I still don't understand what you want me to do.

Remember those old Cary Grant Doris day movies where, like, Cary Grant is an advertising executive,

and he's obscenely wealthy, and he's putting the moves on Doris?

You mean, like, in that touch of me?

Exactly.

My husband and I saw that film at the Avenue Youth Theater in Brooklyn

when we first visited my sister Sarah after the war.

Well, remember what Cary Grant did to seduce her?

He married her.

No, no.

He took her to the department store, and he had the sales girl model all the latest

in the chic evening wear, and then he'd buy each and every one of them for Doris.

Yeah, yeah.

You want me to model them?

I'd lose my job.

Who's gonna know?

There's no one around.

It's very quiet in the store.

What are you about a size four?

Yeah.

Oh, well, size four, size ten.

What's the difference?

Didn't you hear embarrassing her?

Honey, no one embarrasses me, and I'll do anything for a big commission.

A model you want, a model you'll get.

You did bring a lot of cash, didn't you?

Oh, I have a Brunelli's card.

Oh, better still.

It's the same old story.

Someone I wanted to be my friend doesn't even know I exist.

Greg, shoot.

What do you need him for?

I went to see him last night.

You did?

No, your mother wasn't there.

He called me a pinball.

What did he call me?

He said he's in love.

He wants someone else to take the pictures.

He said he thinks I like being miserable.

I haven't had the courage to even look at colors like this in years.

We'll take it.

Not so fast. I still have a chocolate brown pantsuit.

Well, knock your socks off.

Come on, let's look around.

Public displays of affection embarrass me.

I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because I stare too much.

Maybe it's actually equal parts jealousy and embarrassment.

Maybe it's all jealousy.

Maybe.

Do you think he's hot?

Him?

No.

I get turned on by pleats.

Pleats? Really?

I wonder whether it actually do exist.

How so?

Well, there are doers and there are watchers and then there's me.

I used to go to airports to people watch.

It was a chicken shit way to be part of family reunions or goodbyes.

Things like that.

I was a voyeur.

The one thing I've learned is that voyeurs are very lonely people.

I stopped going once I started to identify with the flight crew instead of the passengers.

If I had thought of it, I probably would have become an airport peeper too.

God, how long ago did you do this?

A year or two ago.

Now I come to shopping malls because I can escape here.

The crowded aisles are like my hiding places.

You know, few people are happy here.

They're frustrated and coerced.

Coerced?

Yeah, salesmen selling, husbands coercing.

Coerced.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Library extended hours again?

No, no, no. I was with Harvey.

I had to pick up some clothes and books so he made us dinner.

And then he played me one of his new compositions and then I got a speeding ticket.

What are you doing?

Writing a letter to Rebecca.

Oh, dying to hear how you dish out rejection.

I wish I was on the receiving end.

Come on, help me.

In a minute.

What are you doing?

Checking for lumps.

Your breasts are flawless.

You never know.

Want to help me check?

No.

Thank you, though.

You're scared.

No.

Actually, I wouldn't know what I was feeling for.

No, you're scared.

Oh, what a little baby.

Dear Rebecca,

directness is the only honest way I have ever known how to deal with any of my friends.

You cannot move into my house.

I'm ending my relationship with Harvey.

Not helping me.

Well, what do you think about what I just said?

Well, you're leaving Harvey.

And you're leaving your daughter.

I don't know if I feel so good about that.

I certainly don't feel flattered.

Don't tell me how you don't feel. Tell me how you do feel.

Am I happy?

I'm happy.

Now, please, help me.

Just finish being direct.

Squeeze a pimple while you're thinking if it'll help.

Okay.

It's so easy to meddle with a stranger's life.

I do think it's wrong, though.

You know, wrong that I'm helping you write this letter, and she'll never know.

I mean, she'll think you came up with this stuff.

Well, is that so bad?

Well, it is if it restores the image of your perfection in her mind, don't you think?

Would you feel better if we both signed the letter?

No, you sign it. I think she needs to hear it from another man.

Do you think her father's really in that much trouble?

He isn't. He doesn't realize it.

He's putting every ounce of his energy into his role as a provider, and it's an easy way out.

If you don't satisfy your own desires, you can't hope to satisfy anybody else's.

And that's why you think I'll be a good father?

No. I think you'll be a good father because all your desires have already been satisfied.

Let's get back to the letter.

I've always known I was a lesbian.

I've known for as long as I can remember any sexual feelings at all.

I've never had a long-term relationship yet, but I feel utterly confident about that prospect.

Oh, it's funny, but I never had any sexual feelings at all. Strong ones, that is.

You've never been straight?

Don't misunderstand.

I haven't been close-minded about heterosexuality.

True, I've never been tempted to try it, but I've always been curious about it.

I do remember, though, the single incident that convinced me all women should be gay.

I went to a party right on Cornet Lane, in fact, when I was about 14 or 15.

It was a boy-girl party.

It was one of the first unassailable parties in the world.

It was at Cynthia Katz's house. Her parents weren't home, of course.

Well, Cynthia was one fast chick.

In fact, it ran in the family.

Her sister was fast, her mother was fast.

Anyway, it started out as a spin the bottle party.

There were about six boys and six girls.

Did you have to kiss any boys?

The boys would find a way out of it.

I was a little bit nervous, but I was a little bit nervous.

The boys would find a way out of it.

Keep in mind, I was overweight.

A few. On the cheek.

Yeah, and then what?

So then, spin the bottle moved fairly quickly into post office.

You've heard of post-...

Yeah. Well, then, finally, into seven minutes in heaven,

which is really a primitive form of rape.

A boy picks a girl's name from a hat.

He takes her into a closet.

He's basically got seven minutes to do with her as he will.

You're kidding.

No one really forces himself on anyone at 13 or 14,

but there's a lot of coercion.

Anyway, one of the girls got picked by a boy she liked.

The game was fixed, but I was never sure exactly how.

So anyway, this particular girl agreed to go into the closet

if I went along as a chaperone.

I think they were both trying to embarrass me.

But I was somewhat curious,

and I thought if this was the most horrible thing

that was going to happen to me all evening, I'd go along.

And it was actually quite interesting for about half a minute.

I learned a lot about kissing technique from her anyway.

But while they were kissing,

the guy was clumsily taking off his pants and shorts.

As soon as his heart-on was out of his pants,

he pretty much knocked the girl down to her knees

so she would go down on him.

I thought he was rushing because he knew he only had seven minutes

in the closet with her.

I should have realized that seven minutes was about seven times

more time than he actually needed.

In the end, it was just barbaric.

She was kneeling on these shoes and boots

because there was really no room on the floor,

and she put his penis into her mouth.

He held her shoulders down, you know, the entire time.

I'd never seen a guy come, and I didn't want to see it then,

so I looked into the boy's face.

He was looking down at the girl.

I never saw a look of hatred so strong as the look on his face at that moment.

It's a bit unfair, but that look is what I've always identified

with heterosexuality ever since.

And for that, I've always been in Cynthia Katz's debt.

Wow.

How could you see so well in the dark?

Half pounder for you, a week for you.

All that food for now?

May I have a coffee, please?

Oh, can I have one, too?

Thank you.

Do you hate men?

No, not at all.

Some of them have very strong feminine sides,

but I'll never give a man a chance to hate me for no good reason.

You seem so wise, so right, so gentle.

I don't know how you can order something that looks like that.

I don't know how you can order something that looks like that.

Well, I don't know how you can fit something like that in your mouth all at one time.

I pitch the most glitch thing I do.

You know, in the church, my mother takes me to someone,

carves something in one of the women's room stalls.

It says, my heart belongs to you, but my dick belongs to the world.

What a world.

It's always misdified me as to why somebody doesn't remove it,

it's been there for a couple of years.

See what I mean?

I don't want to sound so down on men.

One of my most powerful influences was, is a man.

My guidance counselor.

Who?

Mr. Lombardi.

Is he gay?

No.

I used to confide in him about my mother's affairs.

I think he was trying to get my life into balance,

which he wrongly imagined was being negatively influenced by the men in my mother's life.

I never told him that my mother is the most independent woman I've ever known.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Listen, why did you really try out for cheerleading?

Do you think it was to prey on the other girls?

No.

I thought it was to be around the guys.

No.

What?

What is it then?

You'll laugh.

So, I've been laughing all day.

Keep it up.

I love this song.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

I love the squeaky sound that sneakers make on the gym floor during basketball games.

You get off on pleats, I get off on squeaks.

It turns me on.

Honest.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Shoot.

I'm sure it'll be out in just a minute.

It's all right.

Can't even get my own son on the phone anymore.

Are you sure I can't get you anything while you're waiting?

Um, no.

You know, I would die for a blueberry muffin.

Sure. No problem.

Something to drink with that?

Oh, no, thanks.

Um, could I just ask you, are those muffins wrapped in cellophane?

Yes.

Well, would you just make sure there are no small holes in the cellophane?

Why?

Oh, tampering. You know, poison.

Have you always been paranoid?

Just check, all right.

This is really good work.

I gotta tell you, those interns you hired last week, your choices.

I'm afraid they're giving me a headache.

Just give them time.

Hey, I gotta work to do, don't you?

At this rate, we'll be working on the Christmas issue on President's Day.

It's my decision.

You can make the decision.

Just do it before you and I become our own messengers, okay?

Did you tell them this wasn't a glamorous job?

Listen, I think that whatever I told them,

you just don't get rid of that 16-year-old, whatever you do.

Oh, man, what a wreck on her, huh?

God, I need a new clam.

Well, I gotta tell you why I did.

Why it's my 6-year-old.

So I have to spank him, right?

You spank your kid?

Well, Angela, my wife, she spanks him sometimes, but anyway, listen.

So Angela caught Wyatt in a lie, so I spanked him,

and I sent him up to his room for about 45 minutes quiet time.

What?

But he was being so quiet, I guess, suspicious, you know,

so I went upstairs to see what he was doing.

He drawn a picture of me with horns, like devil's horns,

and the caption on the picture said, Bad Dad.

I was great. I was great.

I mean, I felt so bad, though.

Well, we'll cover his arraignment someday.

Maybe I'll take his mugshot. Is it my turn now? Mark!

This is Bob Headman, the anchor that I told you about,

who's in from Chicago.

Hey, yeah, you see that in the winter, man?

Hey, look, I took a look at these contact sheets.

Well, I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're saying.

This is the single team that you can use from them.

Excuse me, I'm on the phone.

Listen, look, I gotta go.

Hey, bye-bye.

Your boss?

My staff.

Oh, you gotta relax.

Just make sure you cash your paychecks and take your vacations.

Yeah, well, I want to make a difference here.

You want to do something exciting? Fire someone.

Fire someone who?

Anyone. It doesn't matter.

It'll make you feel better and you'll provoke some fear.

That's what an editor's real job is.

Here, new holes.

Thank you.

You got a brand muffin?

Yes.

Do you check it for holes?

I don't really care whether I live or die.

Miranda, hi.

Hi, Evelyn.

Your son leaves home. I never get to see you.

Yeah, well, um, call me.

Um, would you just tell Craig that I left all, um,

Sam and his last visit?

Fine.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Hi.

Turn around.

Let me massage your shoulders.

Ready?

Do it all yourself.

Oh, sir?

Where's the baby?

I'm here.

Hi.

Hey.

I just wanted to say hello.

Hi.

You're okay.

Hello.

I'll be home.

I'll be out.

Okay.

I'll come back.

Ready?

Are you okay?

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Come.

Sit with me, bud.

I don't think I can do anything.

I don't have to do anything.

Just watch.

I can't.

What are you doing, Blossom?

Sorry.

Funny.

Look, no more cold shoulders, all right?

Like the three of us are going to run into each other.

Why? Why, everyone?

I feel really uncomfortable at this moment,

and so you're a complete stranger and you're not.

I don't know what to say.

Shhh, oh, you.

Miranda, it's no big deal.

Some people would say that it's none of your business.

You make me feel like I'm competing for my own son.

This is only about you getting old

or Greg having more in common with me than he does with you.

What do you want, a medal? I don't.

You're suffocating him.

Look, if it hadn't been me, it would have been somebody else.

Okay, somebody who's own age, somebody who's life he used to control,

who used to be in awe of him.

It's only natural.

This is different.

How so?

He isn't the first child you've suffocated.

You know, just fuck you, Miranda.

When was the last time you told Greg that you loved him?

When have you?

Well, I don't love him, you fool.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I don't want to be a fool.

I don't want to be a fool.

I don't know.

You can't just let you become a reprobate.

Well, that's something to be proud of if you're a good reprobate.

You should find a book of professions.

Is there such a book?

There are reference books for everything.

There are books about baby names,

books about the meaning of numbers.

There must be a book about professions.

I forgot a letter from Greg yesterday.

Baby names.

What?

Do you want to have children?

Yes.

Not yet, though.

Do you?

Won't camp out tonight?

Where?

In the backyard.

Do you want to have children?

I have to pee.

Go.

I'm going to bed.

I just threw your diaphragm away.

I actually didn't like that tape of the last three requirms you sent me.

It sounds too... judgmental. Too rigid.

Speaking of judgmental.

Yeah, right.

I wish you'd let me teach you how to play one of these.

With your knowledge of music, you'd be surprised how much joy you'd get.

Maybe later.

I just remember how much grief Peter caused Denise when he forced piano lessons on her.

You almost threw?

Why?

I thought I'd make a dinner reservation.

I've got to re-sand the sound board.

Forget it. It's going to take too much time.

Hi. Can I have a reservation for Edwards?

At 7.30.

For two.

Thanks.

My sister's coming into town in a couple of weeks with her husband and kids.

Would you like to get together with them one day?

Have you already made plans?

I'm not sure.

Maybe go to one of the farms upstate.

And the kids would like that. Pick some wild berries. I thought you would like that.

I can't.

That's fine.

Listen, I, uh... have to cut this off for a while.

Cut it off?

Or us? This it?

Yeah, it.

Oh, this sounds pretty serious.

I don't know, on the surface it's pretty preposterous, but I got involved with this kid and, uh...

I don't want things to get fucked up right away.

And he's the jealous type?

No, I don't think so.

What do you mean, kid?

Nineteen.

Well, then, it's not so much that you're feeling an attack of monogamy or heaven forbid love,

then you just want to do a bit of self-styled nurturing.

Don't be mean.

I don't have a mean bone in my body. Just perceptive ones.

I've spoiled you with my hedonistic ways.

Uh-uh-uh. That's not true at all.

Come on, Evelyn, you're dumping me when there is, in fact, nothing there to dump.

No, I worry about you. You're gonna have to start dating again.

Oh, no. I'm done.

Mm-mm.

You did spoil me in one way, though.

I know sex can't get any better than it is with you.

Another reason, therefore, not to let my cock take control of my life in the future.

That's a crock.

Oh, you'll see.

No, my love, I'm afraid I won't.

Funny, you never referred to me as my love before now.

You know, um, I would be very happy if you'd visit me now and again.

But if not, you know, fine.

You know, about a year ago, I walked into this bakery shop

that picked up some of those almond-flavored bear claws that I like.

And there was a young woman working behind the counter.

Very young.

Uh-uh.

I said something to her. I don't remember what.

I suppose it might have sounded slightly flirtatious.

Anyway, I found myself getting weak-kneed.

I was getting stomach cramps.

You know, the kind of seizure you feel in the pit of your stomach

when you're nervous about asking someone out on a date?

The kind of feeling I felt when I was 12.

The kind of feeling that obviously never goes away.

Anyway, I decided right then and there that my relationship with you would be my last one.

You know, if it lasted one more week, or one more month, or as it turns out,

one more year, if sex turned rotten, or if we married or grew old

and had a mind that living in sin, I was retiring.

My music doesn't reject me. My students don't reject me.

So that's it, I fear nothing, except for that lunky, funky dating feeling.

Did you fuck her?

Who, the bakery clerk?

No. How could I fuck her? I almost threw up in her pedophores.

Are you sure you weren't just a little bit worried about cheating on me?

I thought we had an open relationship.

Yeah, I know, I know. It just seems a little bit more open on my end than it does on yours.

No. You'll always be welcome here.

I know.

Will you be coming back?

Stupid question.

So tell me a little bit about this guy.

Greg, Greg shoots his name.

The photographer.

Yes.

I like his work. I've seen some of his stuff. Pretty influential for someone so young.

You obviously know a little about him.

I don't know anything about him.

Well, you know his work.

You know what I mean? Who are his influences? Is it just photographers?

How important is music in his life? Doesn't he live in a diner?

No, actually, just moved out.

I was invited to my best friend's funeral on the day of my wedding shower.

If she was a best friend, she wouldn't have to write this letter.

You can't molly cobble people like that.

Oh, you think not?

I'm a highly successful traveling salesman.

My problem is...

My problem is that my biggest customer has a desperate, pungent, nose piercing odor.

I know what you should do with big babies like that. I'll be right back.

Hey.

Hey, baby.

What you doing?

What's quadruple bad?

It means argument or question in Latin.

Read one.

You will develop lymphatic cancer before your next birthday.

That's great.

You were born a bastard child.

It's cute, but they want answers, not fortunes.

Same thing.

Creepy.

Come on, let's go.

We'll see you, Charlie.

Bye, Charles.

Bye, Charles.

You were such a fissure, Charlie.

What are you doing?

I'm cooking some chicken for you, daddy.

Hey, did you know that...

What? Are you crying?

Oh, Rebecca, I did something so stupid.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, stupid.

What?

I was upstairs in your room, dropping some things off, and I...

I read a piece of your mail.

Really?

Oh, so stupid.

It was just...

It was lying there, and I...

I know your father hates it when I read his mail.

Who does?

I don't know what I was thinking.

It's okay, Mom.

I know I know.

Stop crying.

No.

No, it's, it's not.

Why didn't you tell me that you were dating Greg's shoot?

What?

Well, from the way the letter sounds.

Oh, God.

How could I be so stupid to read your mail!

What Greg's letter said.

I know what it said.

He doesn't want to see you anymore

and your mother is a hateful person.

Oh, mother, that's not what the letter said at all.

Have you had intercourse with him?

No, mother.

I know you have a diaphragm.

Oh, okay. Well, you've been looking into a lot of things lately.

You know, why haven't you mentioned it until now?

Because I know it's never been used. Why mention it?

And you're mad because you read my mail?

You know, mom, I wish I felt I can confide in you, but I...

We have nothing in common.

Except that we love each other.

And why can't you confide in me?

I confide in you all the time.

I trust you more than anyone else in the world.

I only trust me about the things I tell you about.

Because I only tell you about what you want to hear.

What are you keeping from me?

Tell me what you're keeping from me since I don't trust you.

No.

I can't.

I work just as hard as daddy trying to bring you up.

Greg's letter wasn't about daddy. It wasn't about you.

It was about me.

And I didn't really want to live with him.

I just... I wanted...

I...

It doesn't matter what I wanted, because whatever it is I wanted, I don't even want it anymore.

Well...

Oh, well, tell me.

What you want?

I will give it to you.

Mom!

I want you to leave me alone!

I want you to trust me!

I want you to love me.

I only know how to do one of those things.

Fine, then I have nothing to say to you as usual.

Shit!

Isn't love enough?

Well, it should be, Mom, but it's not.

You know, in a perfect world, it would be, but it isn't.

You know, I don't know.

Maybe you should read all my mail.

Maybe it's the only way you're really going to get to know me.

Do you talk to your daddy about your problems?

How can I talk to daddy? I never even get to see daddy.

Well, Greg Choup seems to know a lot about him.

It only seems like that to you, because what I told Greg is probably everything I know about daddy.

Which is probably everything that you ever told me about him.

Just probably everything you even know about him.

Remember about him.

Your daddy is a good man.

Well, I'm glad that's one of the things you remember.

Greg Choup is a very nice boy.

It's just that he lives out of town now, and his friends are going to get him into trouble.

Yeah, well, it's over. We're finished. I'm not interested.

Funwall lasted, but, you know, he's too interested in his work.

Mom, listen to me.

I want to move out.

But I'm afraid to leave you alone.

Alone? I live with your daddy.

Okay, I forgot.

Well, where do you want to move? Why?

Do you know Denise Edwards?

Isn't she a friend of Greg Choup's?

No, mom. She's not.

She's a good friend of mine.

Her mother is moving out of the house, and Denise wouldn't be able to pay the rent alone,

so I'm going to move in with her, and we're going to be housemates.

Well, how are you going to pay the rent?

I just got a summer job at the trip.

I don't know how long it'll last, but it pays well enough to cover my share of the rent for now.

And you should be very proud of me for that.

Honey, look, if you need some extra money, I'll talk to daddy.

We can pay the rent.

No, no, you can't.

I'll be fine.

Well, you know, you'll be living close by.

And this Denise, she's nice.

You get along with her?

I mean, it's not. It can be hard living with friends.

She gets into fights all the time.

Don't worry, mom.

Don't worry. She's nice.

I'll be fine.

Hi.

What? What's wrong?

My mother's right over there.

Didn't you tell her about us?

She doesn't even know I'm gay.

Why?

Because then she might suddenly find me interesting to talk to.

Now I don't feel so bad about not telling my mother.

You told her you were moving in with me, though.

Yeah, but you'll never believe what she said.

What?

No, I'll tell you later.

I can't believe she's making us both on the least.

Doesn't she trust you?

I think it's you that she doesn't trust.

God, nobody trusts me.

What's this?

One smallest violin.

Stop it. Cut it out.

Did she read to you when you were a kid?

She said she did, but I don't remember.

I don't remember.

It always makes me feel a little uncomfortable coming here.

Maybe I should give our relationship more of a chance.

Why don't you?

Sometimes I think she'd be happier if she'd been able to rent me.

Play with me, read to me, shop for me, and then ship me off to someone else so she could have her own life.

Did you really believe that?

Maybe.

I don't know.

I guess.

It's too easy to believe that.

Okay, see you guys next Thursday.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey guys.

Here it is.

I really think you should get an attorney look at it before you sign anything.

That's what Rebecca said too.

Denise!

But I told her she could trust you.

Well, thanks.

Listen, would you guys like to come over to our place for dinner tonight?

Greg's fixing some specialty and I'm sure he would appreciate reinforcements.

No thanks, Mr. Senator. I just started a new job at the trib. I have to be up at five.

But maybe some other time. Is that okay with me, Denise?

No.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

It was intense, and then it got boring, and then I got drunk.

It was all over way too soon.

We loved the show.

You did, yeah.

Listen, I hope you guys aren't allergic to animals or anything.

I can take them or leave them, why?

My husband is an animal freak.

He brings home every stray he finds, and I don't just meet dogs and cats.

How do you feel about that?

I like animals, alright?

It's just half the time they seem to be eating the carp,

it's half the time they're shitting on them, you know?

That's how Tomi...

Yeah.

Um, touch on you guys that my husband lost his job.

Randy was a dealer at one of the state line casinos.

State line is that little town on the border of California and Nevada.

Anyway, they caught him cheating,

and now he'll never work in the gaming industry again.

I'm lucky I still have my job.

They didn't have him arrested?

No, the business police is itself.

They don't prosecute, they exile, if you're lucky.

Wow.

No, you know, I think it was a godsend for Randy.

He wound up getting a job at a pet adoption center.

It's like a dream for him.

It pays rabbit turds, but he's in 7th heaven.

I mean, he's happy, I'm happy.

Oh, Randy, can you please get Kino and Blackjack

and that little fat one out of here?

Kino and Blackjack.

You can take the boy out of gaming, but you can't take gaming out of the boy.

Sorry, guys.

Yeah, take these babies for a walk.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Oh, God.

All right, let's go.

Thanks, honey.

Bye.

Bye.

So what about the show?

Doesn't it make you feel the least bit uncomfortable?

Oh, no. Come on, you guys know me better than that.

My body's always served me well, and I'm thankful for it.

It served me as a model, now it serves me as a skater.

And those are two things I love doing.

I couldn't ask for more than that.

As though it's a pretty downturned, grounded view of things.

Well, not as always, actually.

But this town teaches you to be honest about yourself.

It's the most uncompromising place I've ever been.

It's got this strong personality.

It doesn't let you get away with any shit.

You make it sound like prison.

It might sound like that, but people live here because they want to live here.

You can do anything you want here, as long as you do it honestly.

But what about you guys? I still can't believe you're here.

Thank God this town has as many conventions as it does.

Eventually I get to see all my friends from home.

Oh, more wine?

Sure.

And you, what are you writing? An advice column?

For the trip? What's it called?

Quasi Moto?

Quad Libet.

Ooh, making friends with psychotic litter writers.

No, with the people at work.

And like you, she's good at her work.

Very good.

And you guys are happy?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you get married while you're here?

You can. You can do that, you know.

Oh, so we've been told.

By who?

By every wise-ass lesbian in Minnesota.

Um, how's Greg?

Does he ever call you anymore?

About once a year.

He's getting really boring, actually.

He's gotten so totally involved with the politics at the magazine.

He never takes pictures anymore.

He's making too much damn money,

but I think the problem is,

every time he makes more waves at the magazine,

they give him a race to try and shut him up.

I just don't think he's having much fun.

And how are things with your mom?

And Greg?

Almost over.

She says all the bullshit at work

is a waste of his talent and a waste of her time.

What do you think?

I'm not sure exactly.

I just found out I'm pregnant.

Congratulations!

That's great! How long?

Three and a half weeks.

That's fantastic.

There's one little thing I'm worried about, though.

What?

Well, Randy doesn't know I'm pregnant yet.

Were you trying to become pregnant?

One of us was.

Chloe, help me.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

Chloe...

He'll be happy about the baby.

It's just that on Randy's current salary,

along with my salary,

we can't afford payments on a spring valley condominium,

a baby,

and animal menagerie

all at the same time.

He'll give up the animals, won't he?

He'd sooner give up the condo

and live in a one bedroom apartment in the desert.

We're talking about a baby, though, a human being.

It's like comparing apples and oranges.

He'll love the baby to death.

He won't make a decision between

the animals and the baby.

Not that it's any of my fucking business,

but why do you stay with him?

I love him.

Have you ever seen your parents, Will?

Scary question.

No.

Why?

We should make out our wills.

I'm not ready to do that yet.

Why?

I'm too superstitious.

How do you mean?

It's sort of like

taking flight insurance, you know?

You're kind of betting on the plane crashing.

I think it's the same with Will's.

It's not the same thing.

I know.

I know.

Hey, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

My mom gave me her will

after we graduated.

She asked me

to put it in the safety deposit box

and hold on to it.

She had to know I'd read it.

She listed her sister

as her sole beneficiary.

I never felt so embarrassed

or rejected or so alone

in my whole life.

Rebecca, will you please make me

one of the beneficiaries in your will?

Please.

It's nothing permanent.

You can change it anytime you want.

It's done, babe.

It's done.

It's just that it's a privilege

and an honor and a sacred trust

which would symbolize

so much more to me

than any wedding ring ever would.

I don't need much out of relationships,

but I think right now that I need this.

I know that may sound selfish,

but I would only ever ask you

because you know I love you so much.

Of course.

And not just because I love you

more than air, which I do.

Because you're such a good friend.

One of these days,

I'm gonna find you happy.

Until then...

Until then what?

Until then, you will have to settle with climaxes.

Good night.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Eileen.

Where's Denise?

She's getting some coax.

Dad, thank you so much for coming.

This means so much to me.

Look, you know you broke your mother's heart.

And I can't fix it.

I thought you should know that you hadn't broken mine.

Thanks, Dad.

Mom said you're missing shifts from two jobs.

I'm sorry.

Mom said you're missing shifts from two jobs.

Are you sure it's okay?

Yeah, forget about it.

I mean, we have to support her alma mater, no?

All right.

So, uh, your friend,

are you sure she's being honest with you?

What do you mean?

Are you sure she's giving you more than just biology lessons?

That's mean.

Now, I can be mean when it comes to the happiness

of my whole being.

She energizes me,

and she gives me encouragement and love.

That's all that I ever wanted to do.

Can you really follow the team?

No.

Hey.

I love you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.