Original subtitles

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

[Music]

all right thank you thank you very much

all right jesus

all right all right

settled

set over to build we're gonna build

all right thank you thank you

thank you very much

thanks a lot look at this

not bad all right all right okay thank

you thank you jesus christ

give out some free tickets everybody

shows up huh

he's like this guy [ __ ] rocks man

free tickets i like this guy

all right well it's uh it's good to be

here man it's nice to be back

town here in new york i didn't do [ __ ]

today

i didn't a loser man just sat around

watching tv and all that type of stuff

and

i'm gonna tell you something man you

know what i'm sick of pedophiles

damn

sex offenders

dude they're on every channel everybody

is doing something on sex offenders you

know it's like dude i got it there's

people out there touching kids you know

but it's not everybody

it's a very small portion of the

population so you know take it down a

few because you're making it [ __ ]

awkward out there

dude you can't say hi to kids anymore i

love kids

i love kids i like making faces at him

on the airplane making them laugh now

parents are like is there a sex offender

they say huddle in their kitchen

making me feel like a freak you know

i'm terrified of kids now

remember back in the day when a kid

would come walking up to you you could

pat him on the head hey rusty how you

doing right

now a kid comes walking up and like dude

get that thing the [ __ ] away from me get

it away from me i'm serious dude get

away from me hands are up high not

aroused just terrified tweet put the

love of god serious get that thing away

from me all right

i don't need the fbi or

that's a catch a predator guy to come

walking out like what are you doing here

sit down

that show to catch a predator man that

is horrible pr for white people huh

jesus christ

can they move that show to an urban area

every once in a while just catch a

couple of r kelly's peeing on some kids

you know

just balance it out a little bit

it's like does every dude walking in

that house gotta look like me like

you're the [ __ ] eight-year-old

no but it's unbelievable

everybody is talking about pedophiles

and all that type of stuff i don't know

maybe there's more of them nowadays is

it like easier now because the internet

you know

you know because back in the day you had

to work for it right you know you got to

get an ice cream truck you had to buy

some budget tools you got to figure out

when the kids got out of school you pick

a straggler you know

now you just go on the internet you just

google

www.eight-year-old whose parents are

falling asleep you know you're in there

no it's unreal

was the last time you saw a kid riding a

bicycle down the street you're never

going to see that [ __ ] again

you never see them

playing outside parents just have them

inside now man they're just feeding them

and feeding them you know just making

them fatter and fatter

i'm trying to make them unfuckable

that's what it is

that's why you see

all these 450-pound eight-year-olds just

come waddling out of the house

you can't get that kid in the car

i'm serious pedophiles in general are

very skinny people they got to start

chalking up their forearms they're

[ __ ] blowing out their back

[Applause]

it's just a theory people seriously

honestly

don't take this [ __ ] too seriously

does he really think that is he think

that that's why there's

i don't know rented that movie uh

pride recently have you guys seen that

movie

anybody see that it's about the first

all-black swim team and the difficulties

they had to go through being the first

all-black swim team

let me ask you a question how many of

those white people are evil movies are

they gonna make

it's like it's all the way down to

swimming

you know

i'm starting to run out of white guilt

you know

no it's like those movies they started

off unbelievable start off with roots

right white guilt was at an all-time

high i could barely even watch it i'm

like dude i got it my ancestors are evil

okay please please turn the channel dude

please turn the channel they're still

hitting them [ __ ] turn the channel

this is gonna be on all week jesus

christ turn the channel

in the 80s there was like a football

movie then like cuba gooding want to be

like a scuba diver remember that [ __ ]

and now

it's all the way down to swimming and i

gotta admit i don't think i give a [ __ ]

you know

i'm not trying to be a dick but it's a

recreational activity

plus i've been in pools there's been

black people in the pool you know i

never saw any white guy like trying to

like [ __ ] like prevent people from

getting into the pool

it's like are they just like making this

[ __ ] up

i'm not i'm not being a dick here either

okay

just to clarify you know i just want

anybody coming up to me after the show

you know i was thinking it and then you

[ __ ] said it ned

i'm not saying

that i don't think black [ __ ] people

should be allowed to put on some speedos

and go for a dip i'm not saying that

[ __ ] i'm just saying

these movies like the characters aren't

even believable like they always have to

have like that the over-the-top

uninhibited white racist character you

know you know that guy he's a guy like

uh he's supposed to represent all the

white evil you know

he's like the dude they always have like

screaming during the movie trailer

they'd be like they were the first all

black swim team get out of the pool

he's got like a big vein in his forehead

he's just screaming [ __ ] look not even

looking around you know

dude it's ridiculous real racism is

quiet

it's subtle people look around first

and make sure that

you know they make sure the coast is

clear

there's disclaimers like dude you know

i'm not racist but uh these insert group

name followed by [ __ ] up conversation

right

that's how it goes down

not just some guy

just standing up there his neighbors in

the pool

do you approve of this

i work at the bank can i be fired

immediately please

i'm just saying could you just make the

[ __ ]

like believable you know what the honest

thing is those movies are starting to

give me a complex

you know because anytime they do a movie

about a group of people that thinks dumb

[ __ ] about another group of people it's

always like white dudes so it's like uh

white dudes the only ones who think

ignorant [ __ ] about other people you

know

no mexican guy ever walked up to

somebody from india like dude what the

[ __ ] is that is that like itchy [ __ ] you

what is that

[Applause]

fight dude is the only one's walking

around why you guys don't need cows

what are you a bunch of [ __ ]

well then why are you wearing sandals

guys wearing sandals this guy's a fat

[Applause]

no i'm just saying you know

just balance the movies out a little bit

like just have some of the evil [ __ ]

that black people say about white people

you know when we're not around you know

like

like what are some good examples you

know

you know

what i mean you're hanging out

you had a rough day you know

what are some of the classics you know

what smell like wet dogs right

you got headlights or something like

that right just

just slip some of that [ __ ] in there

get out of the pool wash your hand

[ __ ] friend just

make it seem a little more

dude i'm just saying it's all the way

down to swimming i mean where the [ __ ]

do you go from there

we do like ping pong

they were the first all black ping-pong

team they're gonna steal the paddles

denzel washington

my daughter's not playing ping pong

you got to go out there and show the

white man your van ping pong

no i'm not i'm not saying now

i know it's always just weird bringing

this [ __ ] up but

no i'm not saying white people aren't

evil either because i know where you i

got that evil in me

i do i can so i can feel it that's why i

try to suppress it

i try to dress casual you know what i

mean

i'm serious man i tried a suit on the

other day i felt it coming up like [ __ ]

man i want to take over some [ __ ] right

i'm gonna start telling people what to

do i'm gonna go pollute the lake blaming

on my secretary you know

dude i don't like those movies when they

make black and white people get along

man even those ones seem ridiculous you

know because it always has to be like

some sort of lesson in those movies just

like you know i never looked at it that

way

it's like that never happens you know

any time i've ever hung out with the

black dude at no point during the

evening is he like trying to like teach

me how to dance

you know

you know that interracial footloose

moment they always have to have in those

movies

and i never go to his neighborhood and

like try to like save a school you know

how many times are they going to make

that movie you know that movie the white

person goes into the projects

they just have to make a difference

you know they just made that movie again

what uh was it hillary swank

it's like did you even need to go see it

it's like let me guess she shows up and

they don't accept her right

and she goes home she cries to her

feminine boyfriend who's wearing

sweatpants and he's cooking something

for some reason right

and he convinces her and convinces her

to give it one more chance right

then she goes back down there she starts

drawing out their inner beauty next

thing you know they put a do-rag on it

she starts [ __ ] dancing

and it's just embarrassing

for all races involved for the love of

god stop making that [ __ ] movie

dude the amount of times they made that

movie i would think i would know

somebody white who actually did that

[ __ ] you know

she'd be like that's my gay saves

ghettos that's what he does you know

i sit around i watch sportscenter you

know he's in the projects every weekend

he's writing his name on the blackboard

my name's mr michael all right who threw

that

who threw that

it's just annoying after a while you

know and it always [ __ ] works out too

any time the white person goes down

there i want to make that i want to see

a movie where it doesn't work out like

the white dude goes down there the first

day just gets the [ __ ] kicked out of

them you know

just leaving all negative you can't

[ __ ] help these people you know you

go down there you're trying to do

something nice i couldn't get a goddamn

word

there's a 300 prescription

so here's something i saw the other day

i've not seen a long time you know what

i saw i saw balls on a dog

[Applause]

hey remember that [ __ ]

dude i have not seen that since like the

late 90s

i was literally sitting there looking

like i remember that [ __ ] dogs used to

have balls i remember that

i bet you pick your friend ah look at

his balls you know and everybody would

laugh

no but somewhere along the line

it became socially acceptable to cut

your dog's balls off whether there's

anything wrong with them or not under

the whole fear of like well we don't do

it he's going to [ __ ] another dog

they're going to make more dogs and what

are we going to do with all these dogs

they're not going to have homes what are

we going to do

i love that [ __ ] what are we gonna do

it's like dude they're animals just let

them go

they'll be fine they got fangs they got

claws they'll form packs you know

they'll help with the obesity problem in

this country you know

you come stumbling out of a cheesecake

factory just like i heard a [ __ ]

rottweiler running at you

you gotta run to your suv diving dukes

of hazard style right

no i'm pro dog balls

i am

i don't think there's anything wrong

with it

dog should be able you know [ __ ] who he

wants to and

it's ridiculous

no i want to get a dog i want to get a

dog i've been dying to get a dog and

immediately my girls immediately well we

have to get it from getting a diet we

have to get them fixed

i'm like why do we have to get them

fixed well yeah that's what you're

supposed to do

i don't

know like well you're not a veterinarian

she's like well neither are you great

then it's a stalemate neither one of us

knows what the [ __ ] we're talking about

so let's not start cutting anything off

the animal right

[Music]

so of course she's a female she's got to

go out and prove me wrong goes on gets a

book okay let's see it says right here

um you get your dog fists he's less like

you'd be aggressive okay okay no no

listen god you're such an [ __ ] just

listen

and then it says

he's less likely to rip up the furniture

yeah you know

it's just like sweetheart when we were a

kid we had a family dog all right he had

his balls

okay yeah sure occasionally he humped

your leg you know

but generally speaking he just laid

around he begged for food he came home

he was excited but he wasn't wearing a

raincoat like jerking off or something

you know

he lived

he lived for 15 years without incident

with his balls you know no sexual

harassment nothing

no i i think i think it's i think it's

weird how like human beings are trying

to control the population animals you

know like any time the deer population

gets out of control some do but

literally get on tv and be like all

right the deer population is up to about

17 1800 realistically we need to get

that number down about five six of them

all right

so starting tomorrow if you got a gun

[ __ ] sure one in the face

i'm just sitting at home like what are

the deer doing that's so bad for the

environment you know we're gonna eat all

the [ __ ] grass

we're coming up the trees just nibbling

just nibbling

dude the deer didn't put a hole in the

ozone layer all right that's not a bunch

of dogs clogging up the freeways it's us

right

we can [ __ ] all we want

no one's gonna stop you could have you

could have 15 kids have a 16th on the

way no one's gonna get on tv and be like

all right paul is still [ __ ]

starting to morph you got a gun [ __ ]

shoot him in the fight

do what you got to do this guy he's out

of control

no it's great

it's great man you can just keep banging

away you can just keep banging away

making one useless mediocre not going to

invent [ __ ] kid after another

[Applause]

i don't understand people like that

so don't you realize after your third

loser kid you don't have the dna to make

somebody special

it's like what are you doing

all you're doing you're just making more

in the way people just walking around

looking up at [ __ ] as you're trying to

get down the sidewalk you know

oh you know that dude whenever you go

into the deli there's always that guy in

front of you doesn't know what he wants

what kind of what kind of bread is that

it's like dude stop making that [ __ ]

guy

jesus christ that dude that dude is

everywhere

that's why i love all people

i love old people they always with their

family photos cracks me up

they always well they're all proud like

well we had five kids and then they all

had five and

it's like yeah none of you did [ __ ]

i don't recognize anybody in that photo

you just made 30 people who are all

taking a [ __ ] every day that ends up in

a river

that's not a family photo that's an

environmental disaster and you framed it

[Applause]

no that's my solution for global warming

everybody's talking about cars and oil

that doesn't matter it's just too many

people you know

there's too many people doing it she

said you know you want to help the

environment just stop [ __ ]

right i'm not saying stop [ __ ] but

you know pull out

you can still have your fun right

you got to stop looking at babies like

these cute things all right they're not

they all right they are cute but most of

them are just going to grow up there's

going to end up being another [ __ ]

and like an suv that doesn't pull out

far enough into the intersection right

now you got to wait a whole nother light

to make a left and you're just sitting

there losing your [ __ ] screaming at your

windshield with this dude who didn't

need to exist

[Applause]

it's like there's no reason for that guy

we've got that guy

i don't know

[Applause]

that's my plan they should just make

babies illegal for like the next like 25

30 years right

that'd be great

think about somebody's born three people

born every second to one person dying

right so if you're not making anybody

it's like bam somebody just died right

somebody just fell down some stairs

somebody just tripped over a skateboard

right and you know what [ __ ] lanes

just opening up on the highway right

you know you get to work a little sooner

you're in a better mood

dude you get it down to like 30 000

people

30 000 people be the [ __ ]

all right super bowl comes around

everybody can go

right

everybody can go 22 you get to play the

odds of you making it in the nfl it's

ridiculous

dude even if you suck you could still

you could block on punts

you'd be like a wedge breaker or maybe

that guy holding the first down marker

yeah i'm going to be doing something

you wouldn't have to recycle

there was 30 000 people man everybody

here you could literally drive your own

tank you drive a tank you can throw

toxic waste off the top

you can shoot a bald eagle right in the

head

plenty of them

plenty of them dude they're [ __ ] all

over my tank what the [ __ ] am i supposed

to do

look people

i don't read okay

seriously none of my [ __ ] is researched

you know

but i know all the [ __ ] i'm talking

up here i think i'm onto something with

this you know

it's like i'm eliminating people but

like no one has to die

that's it just stop making

dude we're gonna end up like china

they gotta go over a billion people just

just jam-packed every day it's like the

subway if he's just standing there you

can't even fall asleep oh [ __ ] sorry

about that

just jam-packed

you never think about that [ __ ] just

standing i'm gonna be sitting there

first of all how easy is it to get away

with the crime over in china you know

first of all you pick somebody's pocket

you know you don't have to run away you

just [ __ ] weave your way back into

the crowd

stand over here

guys standing like dude somebody just

took my wallet

dude he's right over there he's right

over he's right there

so he's got black hair he's five foot

five he's dressed like he's in reservoir

dog she's right over there

no that's where we're going to be headed

how many more strip malls can you make

place to get donuts and people to

get their nails done everybody's all

excited this area is really sweet

exploding please floating

it's like no dude people are [ __ ]

and then they're just building more [ __ ]

i don't know i get my act together man

i'm really uh really at a critical point

in my life you know

i am i'm i'm serious i'm i'm a [ __ ]

psycho man i realized this about myself

like you know i'm not married you know

i'm really getting to that critical age

where you know pretty soon i'm just you

know

i got to pick a street

either i'm going to get married you know

i'm just end up being that creepy old

guy

hanging out in a bar you know red chest

hair hanging out yes

no seriously i don't know was uh what's

wrong with me i just uh

i think i just stayed single too long

man it's just brutal it's a critical

point when you stay single too long and

when your brain switches from uh you

know like you know don't don't say that

yeah [ __ ] it say it see what happens

dude and once you cross that line

the evil that just just opens up it's

just you know

i don't know you don't i just find women

that just like uh i think they're great

i don't want this to come off like i

don't come off here like i'm some woman

hater because you know

i know i'm a psycho but it's just like i

don't i just find them to be like

relentless

just every day they they just they just

got to come at you they just wake up

they have an agenda and they're like

these psycho robots that never run out

of batteries and every day just keep

[ __ ] god just keep coming

right

you got to deal with that every single

day hey honey

and you literally you know

every day it's like waves hitting the

beach you know

every day just eroding a little more

your life away you know just waking up

inch by inch every day just

why are you hanging out with him he

drinks too much

where'd you buy that that's ugly throw

it out

so one day you're just hanging out in

the middle of a lagoon just floating

there with your baseball cards

you're waving to your friends back on

the shore don't give me tickets i still

like sports

oh here she comes here she comes hey

honey how you doing

no i'm trying i'm trying to learn how to

how to pick my battles with my girl you

know

it's what i am you know i used to argue

all the time

i'm just trying to pick the battles

some days they ca

they come at you

you just got to let them go you just let

them go and follow them to whatever dumb

[ __ ] they want to do like it's gonna get

a picnic well have a picnic you bring

the good bank and you [ __ ]

then other days you just got to get your

hand up you just gotta just create this

perimeter something for them to bounce

off like baron

can you just send that psycho energy in

another direction

buy yourself a couple of hours for

freedom before they bounce off something

else gang can catch they start coming

back cause he might parry

no they're relentless they never stop

and there's no reason for him to stop

you know why cause you can't hit him

that's what it is

think about that

there's no

physical ramifications for being an

[ __ ] when you're a woman do you know

much of it

how much of a dick i would be if it was

socially unacceptable to kick the [ __ ]

out of me

dude i would be trashing everybody i saw

see some big muscle bomb guys go to the

[ __ ] gym slap his protein shake out

and say hey go [ __ ] yourself right

but i can't do that right every guy has

a line and if i cross the line i get

blasted in the face totally acceptable

right

but women there's no line they can just

keep [ __ ]

just keep coming at you

dude they can do stuff worthy of like a

suplex and they'll just stand right next

to it

they don't have the decency to run away

they'll like light your clothes on fire

they're like ta-da i did that [ __ ]

oh yeah and i was so proud of my work i

stuck around to see your reaction

i invited a couple of friends to heckle

you as you try to stomp it out with your

bare feet

oh yeah they'll like cue your car sign

their name susan did this [ __ ]

you're sitting like now can i at least

put her in a headlock give her a couple

of

i feel bad for women that you know you

never get to feel that you guys should

should do it to each other you know just

every once in a while

haul off and just blast one of your

friends in the face you know

it's good for you

no i know yeah i know it hurts you know

you can't feel your nose your ears are

ringing but i'm telling you man it

clears your head

and it causes you to like evaluate

yourself

i swear to god anytime i ever got

punched in the face i was always pissed

but at some point during the drive home

i'd always be thinking like you know

it's kind of being a dick back there you

know

when i really think about it i probably

shouldn't have said that last [ __ ] you

know

you you'd like make that adjustment

this guy's an [ __ ] i can't believe

he's just gonna say this kind of

actually my girl punched me in the head

on valentine's day a few years ago

yeah you want to hear this story this is

a great one this is how much of a dick i

am that i can actually

tell a girl i love her give her a card

and somehow at the end of the night

she's still blasting me in the head you

know

i can't even remember what happened all

i know is she said some [ __ ] then i said

some stuff then she said some more stuff

and i said [ __ ] it i'm going for big air

i said the last [ __ ] and next thing you

know she just came flying at me right

fist balled up

okay and at first she was just hitting

me all in here you know which is

acceptable right it's a holiday let's

[ __ ] keep it nice you know

let's keep it nice right

and i gotta admit i was blocking most of

it at first right

i was doing the rope-a-dope i was

leaning back i was pulling her head in i

was leaning on her

talking [ __ ] trying to tire her out

right

and then all of a sudden she just went

up top [ __ ] bam it just hit me right

in the side of the head

you know what hurt the most was not that

she hit me was that after she hit me she

didn't have the decency to hop back like

like maybe something was gonna happen

she knew nothing was gonna happen

it's against the rules so not only did

she get to blast me in the head she then

got to do like this ufc talking [ __ ]

thing in my face

it's brutal

then she started like breaking up some

stuff you know of course it was all my

stuff and i'm just standing there okay

don't look her in the eye stand as still

as you can let her calm down oh that's

great that's something mine from high

school that meant a lot to me

evidently not to you it's funny if i was

doing that [ __ ] i'd have a cop with his

knee in my back but evidently you have a

vagina so that makes it okay i just have

to stand here

as you break all my [ __ ]

i don't know

it's got to be me it does you know

i get into too many arguments

i do i got to argue with this girl the

other day you ever meet somebody like

within the first couple of minutes of

meeting them they feel like they can

like sum you up just like you know what

your problem is

and you just have this unbelievable urge

just to take their head and just mush it

into whatever they're eating you know

and really hold it there for a second

you know like feel the panic in the back

of their head is like the air bubbles

become like less and less frequent you

know

do you have like weird thoughts like

that place

random violent thoughts you know

like i actually had the urge to elbow an

old lady in the face the other day

no it's unreal

i swear to god man i was going i was

going to get off a plane right you know

the rules when you go to get off the

plane it goes row by row by row right

this lady's all like ooh i'm 90. i get

to cut everybody right so she starts

waddling around me you know i'm

competitive i start boxing her out right

start picking down my luggage i swear to

god i did this i'm literally taking up

the whole aisle and all of a sudden i

just go around him she just starts

waddling all around me and then i just

feel my elbow like dude you're gonna

take this [ __ ] man come on

dude you got a wide open shot you know

just give her a quick one she's not

going to feel it

she's going to go down then you can play

it off like oh is she with you is that

happening

[Applause]

but i didn't do it man i got i got my

body under control like come on man we

can't do this [ __ ] this is wrong and i

thought i was in control and then she

got like right about there then i felt

my like my foot going dude we can still

trip her you're still tripping man

just throwing that out there

all the time i do i didn't do it

so we just went oh i didn't i didn't

they just

you never think [ __ ] like that you never

just walk down the street see somebody

up on a ladder you just want to go over

just

just shaking it

just to do it

you see people like eating

you know sidewalk cafe having a good

time

knock all this [ __ ] off

that's all i'm saying

that's all i'm saying it was just it was

one of

one of those moments this girl was

annoying me she was eating something and

i was envisioning plunging her face

right into it

all right this is basically what

happened okay

she tried to say i was homophobic i

think she's full of [ __ ] and this is the

story all right

we were in a diner right

we just got done eating okay it came out

i was looking down at the ground and

when i looked up there was like these

two dudes like hardcore making out you

know and it's like i wasn't [ __ ]

ready you know what i mean

it was all it was i wasn't ready it's

like you know

if you rent a brokeback mountain or i'm

walking through the village i can get my

brain prepared

for what i might see but it's like i

wasn't [ __ ] ready you know what

i just eaten these fries my god you dumb

[ __ ] you got to go to the gym you know

it's in my own head but when i looked up

these two dudes one guy had a beard

there's ah she's going at it

so the second i looked up i just went

like uh

i just looked away

that's all i did real quick just i just

and then this girl was just glaring at

me like oh my god what's that about was

that where you're like homophobic are

you homophobic i'm gonna homophobic i

got no hatred you know

i got no hatred in that area she goes

what was that all about i got

i was it was just like a visual thing it

was just you know

she goes what are you talking about oh

put it this way the first time i ever

saw porno i was like 14 years old i had

no idea what doggy style was but the

second i saw it my brain was just like

that is the [ __ ] i want to [ __ ] do

that at some point in my life i'm gonna

convince a woman to do that with me

right

my brain was like yes my dick was up

everything was in agreement

that this was a wonderful thing

and i had no idea what it was

but the same token if at any point

during that porno somebody started like

kissing somebody's feet or like sucking

on their toes it was just it was just

gross to me

but that doesn't mean i hate feet and i

don't want him in my neighborhood

that just means i'm not into that [ __ ]

it's the same thing with the gators i

have no hatred in my heart for gay

people all right they're cool they're

funny generally speaking they're neat

you know

i got a lot of positive things to say

about them you know

they move to your neighborhood the

property value goes up because they make

it fabulous right

they can't reproduce so they're not

making more in the way people walking

around looking up the [ __ ]

yeah

they're wonderful

for the environment god bless them

but how far does political correctness

go that i got to look at some [ __ ]

that's making my brain go like ah

[ __ ] look away right i'm supposed to

override that start like cheering on the

relationship like

grab his ass

yeah run your fingers through his chest

hands

[Applause]

do this ridiculous you're gonna tell me

some gay guy never walked down the

street seen two straight people straight

people just going at it and never just

thought like oh god why would jesus

had to like walk it off

you can't help it that's just how his

brain is wired right

he's just like [ __ ] and i'm like dick

right

but there's no hatred in that

i can't i don't know i just couldn't

[ __ ] explain it to this girl

she's like yeah i get y'all on football

it's like no it was on the same level

you ever see a big guy eating a sandwich

right and he gets a little mustard on

the side of his face right you [ __ ]

look away

but that doesn't mean you want him to

choke on the sandwich and you want to

get a bunch of friends to beat the [ __ ]

out of them for eating a sandwich right

dude whatever you put your mouth on is

the most intimate thing ever right

there's no middle ground it's either

like yes or [ __ ] that there's no middle

there you know balls right

[Applause]

you just and you just insert yourself

into the situation like when you watch a

porno there's there's a guy and a girl

but you're not looking at the guy even

though he's right there you're just

looking at the girl and you're just

thinking yeah that's what i would be

doing to her right

but if you took the girl out and there

was just some guy just sitting there

just dry humping you'd be like this [ __ ]

is horrific right

so when i'm looking at two dudes kissing

it's like a stalemate there's no place

for me to insert myself into that

situation

that isn't horrific right

does that mean i'm [ __ ] up you know

do i love about that joke you guys got

it after like the first example yet i

felt the need to give you 58 more

so

just got to get my [ __ ] together man

that's basically it

started going back to therapy again i

just can't i can't

i just can't do therapy i try

i start telling my stories i just start

[ __ ] laughing

and then the therapist is always looking

at me like you know and i'm like come on

man it's kind of funny right like oh no

it's really horrific

so he's trying to get me to bring the

walls down so you know

i finally one therapy session you know i

start getting a little emotional

and then all of a sudden he goes he goes

okay yeah just breathe and the second my

brain was like oh what a douche and i

just immediately just

i just hate him though just the wall

just came back up again you know

i know maybe i'm just fighting it you

know maybe this is who the [ __ ] i am i

like corvettes you know maybe i should

just be this

should start making some more money you

know

you never think about this [ __ ] i don't

know how you guys how do you stay

married how the [ __ ]

do you

you do it i know you take the happy

family photo

because you're sitting there you know

you never just think of that just

someday you know just slam in the garage

door in your head putting yourself in a

coma for a couple of

it's just all happy

okay evidently it's just a happy crowd

i'm the only one who thinks this [ __ ]

all right

i don't know

i like [ __ ] up [ __ ] man i like when

crazy stuff happens i like stuff for

like in sports

i love watching sports like i love all

this stuff like people cheating like

with steroids you know

i am so pro steroids it's ridiculous i

could give a [ __ ]

i could really give a [ __ ] you know i

don't know what barry bonds is doing but

whatever he's doing i hope he keeps

doing it i hope he just comes out as

like one big chest muscle with like a

bat sticking out

it just keeps cranking him over the

fence you know

who gives a [ __ ] dude people have been

cheating

since the beginning since i was watching

baseball in the 70s half of them were on

coke you don't think that that helped

you see the ball a little better you

like wired out of your mind like dude i

can see every stitch it's a curveball

i'm gonna [ __ ] fight it

12th inning you're all [ __ ] amped up

this is the [ __ ] man

[Applause]

no i love all that stuff i like when you

know people fall out of the upper deck

when athletes

punch people in the stands i mean that's

that's just like what's entertaining for

me now you know i like that jimmy the

greek moment that happens in sports you

know

like once every four or five years you

know that like some 50 55 year old white

dude tries to explain why black people

are kicking the [ __ ] out of white people

in practically every major sport you

know

and it always goes down the same way

right there's always like three white

dudes and the one white dude in the

middle he's always like the guy with

like the theory you know he's always

okay you know it seems these uh these

african-american athletes they are they

seem to have this uh this quick twitch

uh muscle farm you know there's a slow

twitch and there's uh this quick twitch

and the second the dude says that like

the other two white dudes start like

sliding out of frame like okay this

guy's getting fired and i'm not gonna be

part of this highlight nice knowing your

ned keep that seat warm right

and the dude in the middle he's just

like hell bent on getting fired you know

he's just he starts like bringing up

slavery and evidently they're reading

the strongest man with the strongest

woman in that quick twitch

and literally 20 minutes later that

dude's on tv he's like fired right he's

crying his family's standing there he's

got like a box of [ __ ] from his desk

with like an emmy sticking out he's like

i don't know what i said i was just

talking about the quick twitch and then

slow twitch

wasn't just trying to make a point

no i love that i love seeing people mess

up their careers like that

it's just funny to me plus i got to

admit as a white dude on some level i

have to believe in that theory because

it's like a white dude's that bad at

basketball

i can't even watch the nba anymore man

it's like every highlight the white

dude's like that the black cube does

like his nuts in his face [ __ ]

i'm just sitting at home like for the

love of god tackle the guy

jesus christ get out of the way

do you ever get tired of those two nuts

flying over your head

you know you're going to be on

sportscenter just get out of the way

dude i'm telling you there's got to be

something to that theory i saw this show

one time on runaway slaves it's one of

the most amazing programs i've ever seen

in my life

dude when you ran away as a slave you

just didn't run to the end of the

driveway and be like [ __ ] that job just

start walking down the street

dude you were to like run through whole

states there's dogs chasing you you're

hurtling [ __ ] you're swimming

those were the first [ __ ] triathletes

and there was nobody helping him out

there was no dude on the side of the

road like come on man two more statesmen

in ohio suck it out you're looking good

looking good

yeah you

dude you were on your own

is it any wonder

250 300 years of that [ __ ] and then i'm

gonna d you up in gym class it ain't

happening

i come from hundreds of years of

alcoholics i got like half a liver you

know what i mean it's just

you know what's funny to me about that

stuff you can't even like you know i

always say you know that theory is crazy

but it's just like you can't even bring

up how well black people are doing in

sports everybody gets all weird about it

which i don't understand because it's

like a compliment you know

like feel how weird it is right now you

know i just brought that [ __ ] up

i'm saying something good right

it's like i saw a coach get in trouble

for that [ __ ] like his team was like oh

and six or something they just couldn't

win and every week the press was just

getting on him more and more and more

right and the dude he was just like

flustered and he had like a moment of

honesty they were like why can't you

guys win a game he's like oh you know

oh the offense isn't getting it done you

know defense

you know too slow and i just run out

tell him we got to get some more black

guys on this team but i'm sorry

everyone started freaking out like they

had no idea what this dude was talking

about

it's like are you watching sportscenter

or do you see the olympics like i love

the 100 meter dash right there's always

there's always like like like nine black

dudes and that one token white guy in

like lane eight

i'm just sitting there going come on man

one time just one time just just win the

bronze just do what you got to do

the white dude always stays with him

till like the first turn then he like

[ __ ] blows out his tammy

those other eight black dudes are left

where's that white through the next

olympics he's like up in the broadcast

booth his career is over this is where

he's like a commentator yeah it's gonna

be a great race still can't feel my

[ __ ] toes but i'm telling you

no i don't get it

it's like a compliment we're saying

you're fast

that's a good thing right

people start all freaking out you're

acting like that's all we can do you're

saying we can't be scientists no we're

not

all we're saying is if there was a race

through the microscopes you [ __ ]

would win

we're just saying

that you're fast you get there first

your lab coat would be flapping in the

wind

i'd get there like three minutes later

all cramped up

are you looking at bacteria no you go

first you just go for it

jesus christ there's a bubble a guy ran

by a volvo and street shoes i've never

seen that before my life

no i get into those arguments all the

time

all the time

friends of mine will be like well how

come any time a black athlete does

something they say it's an athletic move

anytime a white athlete does it they say

it's an intelligent move and it's like

well fair enough man it just just

depends on what you're doing you know

what i mean it's like you know if you

read a defense white or black that's an

intelligent move right but if you take

off from the foul line jump over nine

other dudes and throw the [ __ ] down

those other nine guys aren't standing

there like [ __ ] why didn't i think of

that [ __ ]

here i am dribbling around guys i said

that's some superhero [ __ ] she had like

a cake flapping in the wind with a big s

on your chest

i'm telling you man that's the funny

thing about hitler

just let me finish let me work my way

let me work my way through this idea

no that's my favorite my favorite

sports clip is that jesse owens [ __ ]

i just love it because

their whole angle

was [ __ ] up but he made hitler leave

in like the third quarter right he's

putting down his number one finger just

[ __ ] walking out of the stadium jesus

christ

the whole thing was like we are going to

create a superior race it's like dude i

think we accidentally already did that

well we sent a select group of people to

the gym every day for a couple hundred

years it's paying dividends they're

[ __ ] dunking on us every day

dude how quiet was that limo ride home

with hitler you know what i'm saying you

know he was talking crazy [ __ ] when they

were on the way there they were all

amped up they're going through dominate

seeing hell just going off

that whole ride home they're just

sitting there all quiet

you're sitting next to an even angrier

than usual adolf hitler

trying to make some sort of small talk

like hey

it's this one's nice day isn't it you

know it's a nice boot

dude i gotta admit man i'm fascinated

with hitler man i am just how the [ __ ]

that guy ever came in power because does

he ever look like he's in a good mood in

any of those clips everyone just ah

[ __ ] hairs flapping around

there was nobody even in the beginning

to be like dude is it me in this guy's

it's gonna go crazy huh those guys are

kind of a spaz

total cockblock you can't even have them

around women or nothing you know

no you notice crazy people can take over

[ __ ] that's what it is

like regular people i don't know you

just never say [ __ ] you ever notice that

like you'd be on a bus 30 decent people

one crazy dude can take over the whole

bus right everybody's just sitting there

everything's great then one crazy

[ __ ] just start screaming

and the second that happens all 30

people like oh they got everybody's like

up against him he's got hepatitis

everybody's freaking out

it's like why doesn't everybody just

pounce on the duke

i think every regular person should just

have like a chloroform rag like right in

their front shirt pocket and the second

any crazy [ __ ] happens

if you're behind it it's on you you just

pull it out you take the guy down

everybody jumps on him you tie him up

and you tattoo possibly the next hitler

across his forehead

you keep an eye on him right

nobody it's so hard

it's just hard to speak up that's the

[ __ ] you know

like i was in a target the other day

right not bragging you know

i was

i'm standing there with the buddy of

mine right he's a bouncer he's a bouncer

in this really like crazy bar so he

knows like all these scumbags and it

just so happens that one of them

just so happens to come walking through

the target so my buddy goes to wave to

him like hey man how's it going and ryan

this guy being like oh you know it's

going pretty good he just launches into

this tirade about like like immigrants

right in the middle of target

he's like how's it going

tell you how it's going

it's goddamn mexicans keep coming to

this country taking all the [ __ ] jobs

immediately everybody in line like oh

eminem let's read the back of these for

a while wow look at that glucose is he

still there i'm not looking i looked the

last time it's your turn to look i am

not looking you just look

this guy was going off nobody did [ __ ]

include me including me i wasn't looking

at the guy even the people who worked at

target they just kept ringing stuff up

like ooh three socks for a dollar that's

amazing think it's gonna rain out [ __ ]

dude it was a classic chloroform moment

this guy who's doing he was doing like a

[ __ ] hitler open mic you know

he was just going off he was learning

how to put thoughts together right how

to speak in front of groups

somebody should just came out you know

threw some skittles on the ground you

take them out that's it

it's over

but nobody did [ __ ] you knew there was

like one guy working at target like some

crazy dude peeking out from the back

like i like this guy this guy's making a

lot of sense right

he follows him out to the parking lot

they jump in his el camino now there's

two of them right

i don't know i'm into uh conspiracy

theory man that's my thing

you guys into that [ __ ] you read that

stuff i do i think fast food fast food i

think is like a conspiracy you know

i think that's how they just keep us

dumb you can't even think after a while

you haven't noticed that [ __ ]

like you have your whole day planned out

eat one egg mcmuffin just on the couch

yeah you know what [ __ ] my dreams yeah

he's gonna lay here for a while

gotta stretch out have a good time

dude it's unbelievable

healthy food you can't you can't even

smell it you have a bag of apples right

in front of my face like my eyes are

closed i can't smell it

200 miles away oh [ __ ] is that is that

kfc you wanna get some chicken

well then you get a bucket of it

i'll tell you never notice that you've

noticed whenever the government [ __ ] up

all of a sudden like mcdonald's has like

a new sandwich you know

you're just sitting there screaming at

your tv how can i get pardon all these

ceos new mcrib i'm gonna [ __ ] turn it

shove it down your face

so anyways yeah so i have a lot of like

uh i have a lot of [ __ ] up thoughts

man i do

this is the most recent one i had

you ever drive down the street and see

like 30 people up on the sidewalk and

you just think

right

you don't do it

you just think it

that's what's like separates the psychos

from the functioning psychos right

psychos they just thinking [ __ ] it they

do it

they get the wipers going to make a day

out of it right

but as a functioning psycho not only do

you not do it

you actually analyze it like man if i

just leave my hand right here nobody

knows who i am i move it two degrees

over here i'm on the cover of newsweek i

am instantly famous right

right here nobody knows me just a

regular jackass like hey bill you want

to come to the cookout you know maybe

you could bring that that potato salad

was such a big hit last year one of the

most horrific scenes we've seen in here

bottles just screwed about

you should really go there

amy's gonna be there you can strike up a

conversation maybe hook up with her

no indication even tried to stop

[Applause]

no i have those thoughts all the time

like recently my girl took me to a

street fair right you guys ever know the

street fair you know they close off the

block right they close off the block

there's like shawarma there's like [ __ ]

made out of buttons right

people with no teeth are making key

chains you know it's a typical

girlfriend idea it sucks and it's gonna

take all saturday right

right

she's like all excited she's like

swinging my arm oh my god this is gonna

be [ __ ] great right

i'm like praying for lightning some sort

of scaffolding to fall down on my head

you know

so she comes up first place she comes up

to is this big table nothing but like

homemade jewelry right homemade jewelry

okay

it's got twigs in it macaroni it's [ __ ]

it is a table of [ __ ] right

but she loves it right she's like oh my

godness that's so funky right she's like

trying on the earrings do you like these

do you think these are nice right i want

to be like no

if they were nice they'd be in a store

all right

there'd be a roof some sort of structure

would be built around this this is [ __ ]

this is a table of [ __ ] right

oh brutal

it's brutal right but

but i don't want to be a dick so i'm

like no honey that's great you know john

you know i'm gonna go get some air okay

even though we're outside i think

there's more air to be had you know

enough cause i felt it i was gonna snap

i literally watched like two three

tables of wings this lady standing there

with this big table and nothing but

muffins right

homemade muffins like 85 degrees out

she's standing there this big table

nothing but muffins she's got this big

stupid look at the muffins i made look

at her face and the second i saw that

[ __ ] that part of my brain was just like

dude what would happen if you just came

up and just said hey lady are these your

muffins oh yeah i just started going

[ __ ] wait

like how many of these muffins could i

mush

before anybody did anything

i mean realistically i think i could

have got the whole table because even if

you saw me doing that [ __ ] it would take

at least five to six seconds to process

like did they say you can do that

is it like a game do you eat the muffin

off your fit

that just seems like a waste of pastry

you know dude there's no security of

[ __ ] like that there's no dude standing

there he's mushing the muffins okay i'm

on it sir we're gonna have to ask you to

leave they just choked me out

so i just started thinking of the

horrified [ __ ] up look in this lady's

face as i started slamming these muffins

and out of nowhere i just started

laughing like a mania

i'm like slumped over this fried gold

card i'm dying

my girl looks at me she's like what the

hell are you laughing at and like an

idiot i actually tried to explain this

[ __ ] up thought to her

like she was gonna get it on some level

right i'm just sitting there like i was

just thinking

what if i started punching the muffins

you know what i mean i just started

punching him

and she's just looking at me like why do

i go out with you

dude but i swear to god man if i never

broke eye contact the second i started

hitting those things

that girl wouldn't even be able to call

for help

i would have been in her head it would

have been too personal she'd be like did

i go to high school with this guy why

would you do that muffins are a happy

food i don't understand it all right

listen i'm out of time you guys are so

much fun

thank you so much for coming out i

really appreciate it thank you thank you

very much

thank you thank you

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you