All language subtitles for pusw

Gentlemen, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Alvin weasely.

Dr. weasely is one
of the most respected

motivational researchers
in the country.

Harveys beer has dropped 84%.

So Dr. weasely will tell
us how the American public

really feels about beer.

Dr. weasely.

Beer is for men who
doubt their masculinity.

That's why it's so popular

at sporting events
and poker games.

On a superficial
level, a glass of beer

is a cool, soothing beverage.

But in reality, a glass
of beer is pee pee dickey.

That's it.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Pee pee dickey?

We paid for that?

28,000 and we got off easy.

The man made some very
perceptive statements.

1 got it!

Make it big with harveys beer.

Big foam.

You get a big bang out of it.

Big, proud head.

It's big and it lasts long...

You know, you're about as
subtle as an elephant in heat.

That's great!

We'll show an elephant sipping
harveys beer at the circus.

It's obscenel

don't moralize, Elias.

We're committed to harveys beer.

I'm committed to myself.

Harveys beer is worst
beer on the market.

It's a loser.

Get rid of it.

There are no losers.

Every product has potential.

It's a stiff.

No, no don't say that.

There's no such thing.

You're a stiff.

I'll not tolerate
your self-indulgence.

When your father comes in,

I'm gonna tell him
exactly what you've said.

Just because you were
here when my old man

started this agency, you know,

that doesn't alter the facts.

You've played so many
sides of the fence,

you dunno where the
fence is anymore.

I know my job!

Oh, that's beautiful!

If it weren't for your father,

you'd be on welfare.

60,000 a year and all you
can do is wreck the joint.

He's right.

He's not creative, but
he knows the rules.

And you gotta know the rules

before you can break the rules.

- Right.
- There's no respect anymore.

He's right, Nathan.

You did your tango 30 years ago.

Fascist!

Duck hunter loses his rifle,

walks seven miles to a
cathouse, knocks on the door.

The door opens, the madam
says, "who sent you?"

He says, "in the 40's, it was
Judy canova and Victor mature.

"In the 50's, it was Christine
jorgensen and James Dean.

"In the 60's, it
was Smith & Wesson."

That's it.

He was a nice guy.

Can you lend me five?

Our job is to
manipulate the consumer

by arousing his desires
and then we satisfy

those desires for a fixed price.

Sounds familiar.

It sounds familiar.

It's called advertising.

Yes?

Thank you.

Elias senior just went
through the lobby.

Well, let's go!

Let's go, bissinger.

Our war toy account
is up 23% and a third.

Hey bissinger, you
better get hip to reality.

By advertising toy guns,

you're encouraging
kids to enjoy violence.

You're only music
director around here, swope.

What do you know about
the total spectrum?

I know what I feel.

What's that got to do with it?

I think we
should drop the account.

How dare you!

Drop the account and
show the business community

and the public that we're morally
and socially responsible.

Groovy, let's do it.

Thank you.

Putney, I've been supervising

the war toy account
for 12 years.

And let me tell you something.

Deny a young boy the
right to have a toy gun,

and you'll suppress
his destructive urges

and he'll turn out to be
a homosexual or worse.

I'd rather have my son
be a fag than a killer.

Your son is a fag!

You took him on the
picnic hike, I didn't.

Last year at Malibu
only Jim was a fag.

Two weeks ago, Steve
and Ralph came over.

Yesterday, Randy came over.

There it is.

Defrocked priest is on the
road, it's three in the morning,

he's got a flat tire
and it's raining.

So he goes up to this
farmhouse and says...

We're grossing less
than a million a day

and you're talking about
flat tires and farmhouses?

Get out of my life.

Good morning, Mario.

Good afternoon, Mario.

Every consumer has a
small box in his head.

Everyone has a s-s-s-s-soapbox,

a b-breadbox, a-a-a cereal box,

a sh-h-h-hampoo box.

This box is the target

of 46 billion dollars
a year in advertising.

Now, there's only so
much room in each box

and if we overload these boxes
with too much information,

they won't remember anything.

But, if we use
c-c-c-creative foreplay,

before we penetrate!

We'll b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...

Benefit?

B-b-b-b-b...

Bypass?

B-b-b-b-b-b...

Looks like.

B-b-b-b-b...

Sounds like.

B-b-b-b-b...

How many syllables, Mario?

B-b-b-b...

How many syllables, Mario?

B-b-b-b...

How many syllables, Mario?

B-b-b-b...

How many syllables, Mario?

B-b-b-b!

Aaaarrgh!

We'll never know.

I'm going to the track.

Have a ball, baby.

What do you think
of those cuff links?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

How many syllables, Mario?

I'm the senior vice president,

so I'm the new chairman of...

Bullshit.

The corporate bylaws make it
very clear that the only way

we can determine a new chairman
is by Democratic process.

Paragraph 68 specifically states

that nobody can
vote for himself.

That's what it says, so
that's where it's at.

Vote for me and I'll get you
into the knights of Columbus.

Vote for me and I'll give
you 10% of the business.

25.

Vote for me and I'll set you
up in Puerto Rico, for life.

I got puerto ricans
in my building.

Enough caucus, let's
get the votes in.

How can we talk about who's
gonna be chairman of the board

when my father's laying
dead on the table?

Why can't I be
chairman of the board?

Because you're a nitwit.

My father started this agency.

And you're
not going to finish it.

Thank you, Valerie.

One for Elias.

Swope.

One for bissinger.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

Swope.

That's it.

One vote for Elias,
one vote for bissinger,

nine votes for swope.

Swope!

You don't have to accept.

It's a terrible job!

Don't take it, swope!

Take it easy, Nathan.

I've seen your cardiogram.

It's a mirage!

The man's been elected

and you voted for him.

We all voted for him.

Because we thought no one
else would vote for him.

Putney swope is the new
chairman of this board.

And I will defend that
mistake with my life.

Congratulations, putney.

It's going to be a pleasure
working with you, swope.

You're gonna make a great
chairman if you stay in line.

My father would've
wanted it this way.

He dug you very much.

Your father was a horse's ass.

Yeah, but he dug you very much.

The changes I'm going
to make will be minimal.

I'm not gonna rock the boat.

Rocking the boat's a drag.

What you do is sink the boat!

And there's no sense sinking
nothing, unless you can salvage

with productive
alternatives and brothers,

you can't change nothing
with rhetoric and slogans

because if a man's really
got the truth in his pocket,

he doesn't talk about it,

he hangs it out on a shingle
where people can see it.

So from now on the name of
this agency is truth and soul.

Ts baby, that's right.

Don't smoke it!

Nathan, you were
a good businessman

and you're not a cop-out, so
I'm going to let you stay.

I wanna contract that guarantees
me an expense account,

stock options, 22 weeks
vacation, a company cai,

a box at Jay stadium, a
percentage of the gross,

total creative freedom,
transplant insurance

and a no-cut clause.

Nathan, you're corrupt.

Thank you.

I've come all the
way from miles city

to ask you to be my woman.

It must be my new
depilatory, superlip.

Superlip eliminates peach
fuzz and feminine whiskers.

Superlip digs deep down
into the hair follicle,

instead of just lopping
it off at the surface.

Cut!

Cut!

Cut.

I don't believe it.

Again.

There's a bunch of lilies

shooting a commercial
in our studio.

They must not know about
the recent transition.

Well, let's go take
care of business.

This chick's from nowhere.

So it's up to you.

Improvise, do something.

I've seen you work at Jones
beach with guy lombardo.

I know you can pull it off.

Superlip, shot one.

Take 107.

Action.

Action!

Lady beaver, I've come
all the way from biloxi

to ask you to be my woman.

Wayne, you do go on.

J I have a malignancy
in my prostrate

j but when you're in
my arms it's benign

I don't feel it.

What did you say?

I am not going to say it.

It is stupid.

Cut.

Listen sweetie, I could
be home writing my novel.

You could be playing lady
MacBeth in some basement.

We're both here, aren't we?

That's okay.

Let's do it.

Let's do it!

J I have a malignancy
in my prostrate

j but when you're
in my arms it's

quittin' time!

Get on out!

Yeah, no more taking
pictures of no jive cans

and jive bottles, and
skinny-legged broads

with stockings on 'em.

Get on out of here!

We're gonna have some greasy
fingers and some chicken,

and all the beautiful things
that people have who have it

and you ain't got it.

So get on out you understand?

We're not gonna take
any more of your jive.

'Cause we're truth and
soul, you understand?

Truth and soul, 'cause we got it

and we got a brother
that's gonna make it right.

We got brother putney.

Okay.

Every single account pulled out.

I wish I'd have pulled out.

Too many dependents, baby.

It looks bad.

Swope, I think we're
still in the ball game.

Wing soney just got
off the elevator

and he's dying to meet you.

Wing soney?

Wing soney.

Wowee.

Hey man, what's his thing?

Do-it-yourself Pearl harbor?

He's Chinese, swope.

I don't care what he is.

We're gonna get that account.

Let's go.

Wing soney, say hello
to putney swope.

Mr. swope, I'm
not a happy chappy.

The agency that's currently
handling my merchandise,

is the biggest
nosebleed in town.

Now, I have a new item

and I dig to launch
it with a new outfit.

So let me tell you about the
get out of here mousetrap.

The get out of here mousetrap
is a unique breakthrough,

because after it traps a
rodent, it chemically cremates.

No flame, no noise, no mouse.

I invented it myself.

Mr. soney, you're
not gonna believe this, but...

Then don't tell me.

For the past six
minutes I've been working

on a whole new
approach to mousetraps.

Lay it on them, Nathan.

Columbus is on the Santa
Maria; The crew's Italian.

Columbus walks
down the gangplank

and waiting at the bottom
is a middle-aged Indian.

Columbus knocks the
Indian on his ass

and sticks the Spanish
flag in the ground.

And out of the bushes
comes a 75-year-old squaw

with a cleft head and
an ax in her back.

But the Indian starts to cry,

because he knows he's
going to be exploited.

Columbus puts his arm around
the Indian, points to the crew

and says, "in exchange
for your land,

"I'll give you 50 guineas."

Cut to a shot of a get
out of here mousetrap,

tell him how much it costs,
where you buy it, and that's it.

It's a most fantastic
thing I ever heard.

Who's your shrink?

I dig it.

I dig it.

I dig it.

My mousetrap is yours.

You've revitalized me, swope.

Let's split.

I'm a happy chink.

We did it, swope.

We did it!

You're fired.

Why?

That Columbus thing is the
worst thing I ever heard.

I thought it was brilliant.

That's why you takin'
the next elevator.

Hey, you a messenger for ts?

Yes, sir.

From now on, use
the freight elevator.

Yes, sir.

I just heard about the
get out of here campaign.

It's a trailblazer, swope.

Your mouse trap
conception is a masterpiece.

Why, it's already a classic.

As far as I'm
concerned, you're my man.

I would like to
discuss the possibility

of you handling my account.

Would you?

I'm with the audie
Murphy toy company.

We just came out with a
junior miss flamethrower,

that runs on ordinary
lighter fluid,

and next week, we're coming
out with a heavy-duty model,

for the back-to-college group

that features an after-burner
and five-second reloading,

with disposable
propane cassettes.

I wanna have nothing to do
with war toys or cigarettes,

and do something
about your breath.

Tell me what you like.

I'll go out and make it.

I'll produce it, you push it.

You and me, swope.

If you stiffs want ts
to do your advertising,

it's gonna cost you a
million bucks up front, cash.

That's hallway robbery, swope.

That's an outrage!

The price is right,

but I can't come up with
a million bucks in cash.

Me neither.

Forget it, baby.

If your sales
don't increase by 50%

you'll get a complete refund.

I'm in swope.

Me too.

You and me swope.

Don't forget
me, pit stop deodorant.

Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

Jim keranga of watts, California

is eating a bowl
of ethereal cereal,

the heavenly breakfast food.

Jim, did you know
that ethereal cereal

has twice as much vitamin b

as any other leading cereal?

Ethereal also has
the added punch,

of 0.02 esp units of pectin.

No shit!

Dinkleberry's chicken pot pies.

Ground rules: Give
us the name of your product,

what it's supposed to
do, then take a walk.

We don't need your ideas.

We don't need your advice.

And we don't need
lames in the hallway.

Lucky airlines.

Introducing miss
redneck, New Jersey,

eugenie ferliger.

Eugenie is 23.

She's five foot four
and weighs 117 pounds.

She has blue eyes
and blonde hair

with matching cuffs and collar.

Eugenie is a graduate of
the sawbone t-bone diner

in redneck, where she
majored in philosophy.

She's a social worker

and her favorite
hobby is emasculation.

Eugenie, in 25 words or less,

would you tell us what
your philosophy is?

Well, I believe that everyone,

no matter their race,

creed or color, should
get a piece of the action.

A piece of the what, eugenie?

A piece of the pie!

Right!

Confidentially folks, I never
thought she'd get that line.

Oh fuck off, Bert!

Everybody wants
a dinkleberry frozen chicken

pot pie and they'll
do anything to get it.

Who did that?

You do that?

Yeah.

I didn't do it!

Then what are you
doing, taking her temperature?

Boss, don't fire me!

I got a wife, three kids
and a shetland pony.

You should've thought of that

before you dipped your
pen in company ink.

Oh man, gimmie a
break, I'm in love.

All right, you
get one more chance.

But she's got to go.

Whaddaya mean, I gotta go?

That's right.

Just 'cause you
got a pair of jugs

don't mean you rule the world.

That's right!

Mr. swope?

Clean out your locker.

Up yours.

Um hum, didn't mean to
put down your jugs baby,

but gotta protect my interest.

Mark focus is
waiting in reception.

Thank you.

Great window cleaner.

Don't drip and it don't streak.

But it smells bad.

Cleans good, but it smells bad.

As a window cleaner, forget it.

Put soybeans in it for protein,

and we'll push it as a
soft drink in the ghetto.

Lay a picture of a rhythm
and blues singer on it

and we'll call it victrola cola.

I think we got a winner.

We'd better.

Or you and that jism
are gonna be back

in that drugstore
where I found you.

Yes sir.

I'm okay.

If your lip was hip,
you wouldn't need no Jim.

The Rose that is.

How you son?

I dunno baby, but I'm
where I'm starting from.

I'm stacked up and I'm
gonna stay stacked up.

But I wanna know about
this putney dude.

And the faggot at
the Taffy department.

Plus a blonde faggot

in the Taffy department.

Next time he bends over
and pick up the paperclips

then I'm gonna sock it to
him right in his keister.

Does he like dudes?

I dunno man, but he's
got a bossed around ass

in them tight bell-bottom
pants, I know that.

Well, if you're tripping

and you're going that way.

My Johnson get hard, Jim.

It knows no discrimination.

Yeah, discrimination, huh?

No, my Johnson
get hard, everything goes.

Jism is okay,
but you can can the trollops.

Mr. swope!

Mark focus.

I did that for hertz.

That's colgate.

That's nabisco.

That's IBM.

I seen enough, Mark.

You're one of the best
photographers in the business.

Thank you.

This printout I'm working
on is perfect for you.

If it's me, it's 9,000.

9,000?

I just want a picture of a
light bulb with lipstick on it.

Make it six.

Hey man, it's going in a
newspaper, not an art gallery.

1,200 is the best I can do.

Forget it.

350.

I'll do it for nothing,
I need the work.

I can get anybody for nothing.

Take a walk.

Lie la la
Mohammed dura su li la, boss.

Who do you think you
are, Lawrence of Nigeria?

Least I ain't jive.

Big man.

You wanna have din-din?

Why have dinner?

I'm at 1293 Lennox,
apartment 4c.

I got to be straight with
you, girl, I'm engaged.

Keep it to yourself.

Swope, I'm gonna
bend your Johnson.

I'm ready.

I'm gonna make you young again.

J ba-da-da-ba-da-da

j ba-ba-ba-ba-da

j ba-da-da-da-da

j ba-ba-ba-ba-da

j ba-da-da-da-da-da

j ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da

j ba-ba-da-da

j ba-da-da-da-da

where is Lopez?

Where you at, man?

Stratosphere baby, stratosphere.

I'm stacked up over la guardia

and I'm not coming
down for nobody.

Not even you.

Mr. swope, Mr. swope.

Brothers in the black room.

Putney, putney!

Brothers in the black room.

Putney, Sonny
Williams, our copywriter,

just got busted at radio city.

He was sitting in the first row

and when the rockettes came on,

he opened and closed his
raincoat and exposed himself.

Bad PR.

Tell Sonny next time he shows it

I'll make him a
creative director.

Sonny?

If you don't straighten up,

we're gonna send you to
Hollywood as a choreographer.

Putney, we just
sold 17 new accounts

and cowboy says we
have 156 million.

Mr. swope,
brothers in the black room.

Putney, there's trouble
in the black room.

Mr. swope,
brothers in the black room.

Just you and me, swope.

You and me.

I deal with housing in
the community, bad plumbing,

bad heating and bad rats.

The only way to set
to this thing straight

is with self-determination,
self-respect and self-defense.

We don't go for Jesus no more.

Violence is a cleansing force.

We must adjust ourselves to
the level of our audience,

which is pretty low.

Non-violence has proven
to be non-functional.

So it's guns, baby.

The end result will
be our own political,

social, economic future.

My organization
is pro-integration.

We're not hostile like
these other groups.

We can't do it legally,
we'll do it legitimately.

You know, up front.

Tanks, cocktails, guns baby.

The pigs must cease the
brutality, destruction

and murder of our
brothers and sisters.

Or they'll suffer
the consequences

from the armed people
of the community.

Bazookas!

Tanks!

Flamethrowers.

My organization
is pro-integration.

We're not hostile like
these other groups.

Lay some bread on it.

Guns, baby.

A gun is not
gonna get you a job.

It'll eliminate the competition.

Who the hell wants a job?

You better get yourself a piece.

Lay some bread on it.

Lay some bread on it.

Lay some bread on it.

My group doesn't
need your money, man.

But what we can use is
your help on another level.

I believe that together with
your power and my structure,

we could create a subliminal
tremor throughout the land,

by using the advertising that
comes out of your toilet.

A word here,

a phrase there,

Innuendoes,

And subtleties.

Lay some bread on it.

And when the time is right
man, we move in for the kill.

No mercy, stamp on them!

What about the bread?

Tap city.

When my ship comes
in, I'll call you.

You're a sham.

I'm gonna pull the
covers off you.

You ain't pulling the
covers off of nobody.

La-li-la-la-Mohammed
ur ah su li la.

La li la la mixed-media.

Ra sulila

Lalalalalalalala la.

Ah li la la Mohammed.

Hey man.

You're just the cat
I wanted to see, man.

I was looking all
around for you, Jim.

Do you know what, man?

Like I'm tired, I'm fed up.

I can't take no more.

I can't stand no more
of putney swope, man.

Like, he's got to go, man.

'Cause this cat is a
jive cat, you understand?

You know what, man?

Like, I have been
drubbin' his old lady.

Do you dig this?

And this cat has never
said nothing to me, man.

I have called him
out many a times

in front of all the
people around here,

who kiss this cat's ass, man.

I don't kiss his ass.

'Cause I call it
like it is, man.

This man caught
me with his woman

and still, this cat
can't get rid of me,

'cause I got the
power, you understand?

I got the power,
I got the talent

and I got everything
that this cat wants.

He keeps me around here

because I make him look
good, you understand?

And I'm tired of making
this cat look good.

Are you ready to die?

Man, I'm ready to die.

I'm ready to go anywhere,
do anything, see anybody,

walk, talk, smart, be anything,
to do what I got to do, man.

And I'm died.

Dying means nothing to me, man.

You know, I also wanted to get
things straight around here,

man, 'cause putney swope
is a jive cat, man.

He can't talk.

He can't walk.

He can't sit.

Man, this cat can't
do nothing right.

He was voted in
here on a Hummer.

Mr. swope, I'm tired
of doing commercials.

I wanna do something
more creative.

Pick up your severance pay.

Why?

Did I ask you
why when you said you wanted

to do something more creative?

Nope.

I feel like an oreo cookie.

You like a pile of shit.

Are you putting me on?

Where you been, put?

Mecca.

The man says he's the
President of the United States.

Yeah?

Putney swope?

Yeah?

What do you mean, yeah?

Be congenial.

I want to extend to you
my deepest congratulation.

It's very, very important
to have a boy like you,

in such a prominent position.

It's good for me.

It's good for you.

And it might keep
the summers cool.

I like your style, swope.

So I'm gonna throw
some business your way.

I never chase foul balls.

You are lot of laughs.

Next time I'm up in big
town, we'll get together

and shoot up or something.

What you want, man?

Mr. six, the man who
owns the borman six

is a friend of mine.

Take care of him, quick!

Looks good.

He'll come around.

Thank you.

Excellent, mimeo!

I like the way you handle
yourself on the telephone.

You're nobody's fool.

Except perhaps, mine.

But I'm glad I chose
you for this job.

You've justified
my faith in you.

However, mimeo, there
is one question.

This business about
shooting up in the big town.

After all, a man
in your position,

which is a rather
strange position,

you have justified my confidence

in having chosen such a big
man for this assignment.

There are however,
one or two points

I would like to bring up.

After all, I'm sure
barnum and Bailey

wouldn't mind having you back.

So, please, I suggest you
be a little more careful.

Mrs. mimeo, you play divinely.

Perhaps you would like
to play for me sometime.

Nice wife you have there, mimeo.

It would be most
unfortunate, would it not,

if anything should
happen to her?

Don't worry, Mr. six, the
borman six gonna be okay.

I hope you're right
mimeo, for your sake.

But now, we have a
moment of joviality.

We relax, you, ruthie
and I, we sit down,

we partake of a bit of grass,
I've got some good shit.

Tell me something, mimeo,

do you have the new
Maximilian schell album?

I love rock and roll.

Perhaps the electric pygmy?

Ruthie, you're looking
lovely as ever my dear.

From now on, if
outsiders wanna talk to me,

they're gonna talk in my face.

No more telephones.

Too much communication.

If you take out the phones,

how are we going to
conduct business?

With your head and your soul.

That's right!

That's unrealistic.

If you want reality,

I'm gonna put you
back on the streets.

The dude's right.

We don't need phones.

I can get a message
to California

quicker than you can
make a phone call.

How?

The drum.

Say what?

The drum.

What's that?

Vibrations.

I heard you fired Mr. o'dinga.

How did you find out?

The drum.

Hey, Lopez says
this place is crazy.

Who's Lopez?

He's in my head.

That's right.

I've been running this tree hut

just like it was run before.

Straight into the ground.

I've made a few
innovations, but not enough.

I have a feeling
that there's a lot

of untapped talent around here.

So beginning right now, I want
each and every one of you,

to conceive, write, produce
and execute your own campaign.

If you don't think you can
come up with something new,

then don't come up with nothing.

And if you don't feel that
you're the creative type,

then pitch in and
help somebody else

with what they're doing.

Creative juices
are flowing my main man.

You've liberated my muse.

Picture a foxy chick
sitting on a park bench,

the camera zooms
underneath her dress

and you cut to a train
coming out of a tunnel.

It's a commercial for
the long island railroad.

Like it's surreal man, surreal.

Are you for surreal?

I don't have any ideas,
but it's good to know

that if I ever do, I'll
be able to try them out.

I just came up with three
names for teenage skin creams;

no blem, squeeze
no, and face off.

Get rid of him.

Mr. swope, I think we should

do all our commercials in sepia.

And instead of
having coffee breaks,

we should have
watermelon breaks.

Get rid of him, too.

Hey, here's a poem I
wrote when I was in jail.

Life is about a relentless
journey to a path

with oncoming screeching cars

with headlights of boredom

and a bumper of
social responsibility.

Mr. president, did
you hear about the woman

who asked her
husband to walk out

to the garbage can with her?

"Are you out of your
mind?" Replied her husband.

"Not at all," replied the wife,

"I'd like the neighbors

"to know we go out
together once in a while."

Mr. president, did you
hear about the fellow

who was nine feet,
eight inches tall

and wore a size 22 shoe?

And do you know what
he did for a living?

He stamped out forest fires.

Mimeo, what is that?

The game warden wanted
me to throw it back.

But I put up such a
fight that I mounted it.

Mr. president, this fellow
who went down to Florida

to do a demonstration,
a benefit show...

Oh this is a real funny man.

Funny man!

In a benefit show and they
put up a special platform,

with a trap door.

Mimeo, who is this
schmuck you have hired,

he's babbling in your
ear, over and over.

And his...

Mr. president, Mr. president?

What banality!

Mr. president, and this
fellow's show was so terrible

that when the trap door opened...

- Ruthie.
- If it wasn't for the fact...

If you would like a toke.

That he had a rope
around his neck...

Come on put hair on your nose.

He would have broken his legs.

And he couldn't kick.

Yeah, he is funny!

Actually, when I think about
it, I knew he was funny.

Mr. president?

Mr. president?

Mr. president?

Mr. president?

Hey, it's cold in here.

Throw another Jew on the fire!

Mr. president?

Mr. president.

There were three
women in Florida.

Mr. president, there were
three women in Florida...

Sock it to me, baby!

Describing what once.

Mr. president?

Mr. president?

Oy!

Mr. president?

J it started last weekend

j at the Yale-Howard game

j girl, I saw your beaver flash

j I'll never be the same

j oh, no

j you gave me a soul kiss

j boy, it sure was grand

j you gave me a dry hump

j behind the hotdog stand

j oh, yeah

j I used to have pimples

j but I made them disappear

j he faced life with face off

j it made his skin
so clear, um-um

J a pimple is simple

j if you treat your
pimples right

j my man uses face off

j he's really out of sight

j and so are his pimples

I just created a skin
cream called face off.

And I just come up with
a whole new concept

for the long island railroad.

I love you, baby.

I love you.

I love you, baby.

I love you.

I love you, baby.

I love you.

Did you take your pill?

You'll never know.

Is Mr. swope in?

Huh?

This is president mimeo.

Yeah?

Putney?

Yeah.

Guess who?

Marcus garvey.

Nope.

Try again.

President mimeo.

How did you guess?

I used to be an exterminator.

You might be saying, I
used to have an agency,

if you don't get moving
on the borman six.

Why are you so hung
up on the borman six?

I'm a stockholder.

Let me sleep on it.

Good night, pal.

Out!

Swope, Mark focus.

Whadda you want?

Did that for hertz.

That's colgate,

nabisco...

I seen enough, Mark.

You're one of the best
photographers in the business.

Thank you.

Take a walk.

Mr. president?

Mark focus.

I did this for Kennedy.

I did this for Johnson.

I did this for Nixon.

And this was the agnew funeral.

Have you a picture
of Raquel Welch?

Would you like to join us?

Did you vote for me?

Well, it's okay.

Beach club Sunday.

Come up with an
idea for the borman six.

I know nothing
about automobiles.

Give me an
idea for the borman six.

All right, if I ever think
of anything, I'll let you know.

Did you think of something?

The borman six, nitwit.

Listen swope, if you want
me to come up with ideas,

get me a license!

Take me down to city
hall and do what's right.

Forget it.

You forget!

Mr. swope, congratulations.

What about the borman six?

Oh, all right.

What are they gonna
feature next year?

Defects, pollution,
velvet safety belts,

strobe headlights,
fiberglass windshields...

Okay.

You gotta get a
young girl with soul.

You better get
moving on that freight elevator.

Sonny Williams got picked
up in the Bronx holiday inn,

with a 13-year-old girl.

At least he's not superstitious.

Your lawyer, who's his lawyer,

wants to be the
prosecuting attorney.

Get Sonny Williams in here, now!

Would you like to come over

to my house and
have some dainties?

I don't exercise.

Don't put me down.

I can't sleep because of you.

That's why I've got these
valises under my eyes.

I'm in love with you, myron x.

My name is Rufus.

I don't care what your name is.

You're my man.

I'm not your man.

Yes, you are.

I'm not your man
and I never will be.

I don't care what you say to me.

You're my biggest fantasy.

I dream about you every night.

That's okay.

Just don't send me
the laundry bill.

Putney says the borman six
girl has got to have soul!

Putney says the borman six
girl has got to have soul!

Putney says the borman six
girl has got to have soul!

Got to have soul!

Putney says the
borman six girl has...

Yeah.

Excuse me, Mr. swope,

can I speak to you a minute?

Sure.

Mr. swope, I do
exactly the same job

as the other executives.

But I don't make as
much money as they do.

I don't think that's right.

If I give you a raise,
everybody's gonna want a raise.

And if I give them a raise,

they'll still be making
more money than you.

And we'll be right
back where we started.

I'd never thought
of it that way.

And that's why
you get less money.

'Cause you don't think.

Thank you.

I believe this.

This girl, she's
got to have soul.

Don't you believe this?

She's got to have soul.

Putney says she's got
to have soul, right?

See, she's got to have soul.

Putney says she's
got to have soul.

Don't you believe she's
got to have soul, Mr. roth?

Let's go, let's go.

Let's go.

You can't eat an
air conditioner.

Beautiful, give
everyone a 10 buck raise.

What about the messengers?

They charge an arm and a leg
in there, but it's worth it.

What's that for?

Worth it life insurance.

J ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

J la-la-la-la

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-baa

Will the passenger holding,

lucky winning ticket
586, repeat, 586,

please report to the
special lucky prize room,

at the rear of the aircraft?

Go lucky airlines.

Who did that?

You did.

It was your idea.

Not bad, not bad.

We'll have 12 more by sundown.

I want these on the
air by tomorrow night.

Putney, in my humble opinion,

these commercials are tasteless.

Putney, myron x said
you were tasteless.

You said we were gonna do
things with integrity and style.

What we're doing is worse

than anything our
predecessors ever done.

Damn commercials are literal
and they're disgusting.

And by advocating such filth,

putney is confusing
obscenity with originality.

Let me un-confuse you, baby.

Everybody that was in
these commercials, you fired!

Ain't one of them around!

And I know you a jive cat,

'cause you done made
your last mistake

you ever gonna make, mister.

I seen that nonsense you
trying to show us here.

You trying to dupe
everybody in this joint.

Now what is this?

We done taken the last
bit of your nonsense, man.

I'm not gonna take
all this crap.

Everybody knows
you a jive nigger.

You done pulled
all this jive shit.

Your mother had a creative
idea when she borne you,

and you had to go and blow that!

Then you gonna come and try
to show us all this crap.

A nigger sitting up
there eating cornflakes.

Man, you ain't had nothing
original since you got here.

You stole the idea
about borman six.

You got it from your wife!

Are you gonna tell
me that's a lie?

One night she told me herself.

And that little
nephew who gave you

that idea for that other
thing and you got rid of him.

Ain't nobody around who
help you in anything.

Everybody has either been shut
up, cut up, or been put out.

Can't you see this trash this
man is trying to sell us?

Look at you in the
highwater pants.

You jive nigger, look
at your two-button suit.

Now what kind of suit is that?

You're supposed to
be a soul brother.

Everybody's dressed up
like pride and dignity.

You ain't got none.

Now what are you tryin to do?

Ho ho oh ya ya, ya
ya ya, yeah, yeah.

This company runs
because I'm here.

And I'm gonna hate you
if you don't get right.

And you ain't right
and I hate you.

I hate you, you understand?

I hate you because
you a jive cat.

You ain't got nothing inside!

You got to go.

You got to go or I got
to go and I'm not going.

Now how you like that?

He ain't got a thing inside him.

He ain't nothing but a shell.

Hey man, you better let me go!

I'm gonna get him!

Shit!

Get off Mel

j ta da

j ta da

j ta da

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

cut!

Cut!

J ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

whatddaya think?

Keep the money, swope.

But don't put it on the air,
or I'll be out of business.

What's wrong with it?

Too much tail-pipe.

Listen you, you lucky I'm
pushing this death trap.

I don't play.

Goes on the air tomorrow night.

J ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

j ba-ba-da-ba-ba-baa

What the hell are you doing?

Making a delivery.

Well make it down the stairs

and come back up the
freight elevator.

It's 36 flights.

I don't care what it is.

Why do I have to take
the freight elevator?

I'm not a package.

Because it's custom.

It's policy.

J we'll see when I
see who's seeing you

j oh oh oh what you'll see
when I see who's seeing you

j oh, oh oh oh

love you, Walter.

I love you more than
anything else in the world.

I'll see you later.

I love you, Walter.

I love you too, mother.

You know you're not
supposed to serve food

without something on your head.

I don't want your
hair in my food.

I told you a hundred times.

All right.

Get in the kitchen.

I'm sorry, this is such a...

Honey, I'm sorry
about this sandwich.

That tile man's got the kitchen
so stacked high with tiles,

cook can't cook anything.

I'd send the damn tiles back,

but you know we're having
a dinner party on Friday.

How do you
like working for Mr. swope?

Oh you see, it's
terribly difficult

to run such a big house,

but then, I really do think

it's important this
house is run well.

And I'm not like,
washing windows here.

I'm sort of secretary in
a very old-fashioned way.

Mr. swope,
do you think your approach

to advertising will
encourage young people

to go into advertising?

I hope not.

Well, do you
conceive your creations

under the influence of drugs?

Hey swope,
whaddaya think of the panthers?

They look good
against the bulldogs,

but they need more
depth at quarterback.

Last night
between eight and 10 o'clock,

only 14% of the usual
amount of people,

left the house to buy
newspapers and ice cream.

Uh huh huh.

In essence,
your commercials were so good

that nobody left the house to
buy anything or burn anything.

Uh would you comment on that?

I think anything I would
say would just be redundant.

Mr. swope, where
have you been all these years?

Laying in the cut.

Mr. putney, did you sleep

with your wife before
you married her?

Not a wink.

What is your position

on the checkerboard of life?

Is it true,
do you refuse to advertise

war toys, cigarettes
and alcoholic beverages?

You said it.

Where did you
get the name truth and soul?

In the streets.

Excuse me, Mr. swopes.

Gourmet magazine says your
commercials are tasteless

and that you should be censored.

Now my question is, in what
direction are you heading?

I'm goin' uptown.

Can I give anybody a lift?

Get off of my short, baby!

One more question!

You little bitch!

What are you doing out here?

Get your ass in that
house immediately.

Go on, move.

What do you think I
have you for anyway?

Come on!

Get in there you
motherfucker, get in!

I believe Mr. swope asked you
to use the freight elevator.

Since when is
that your business?

Since right now.

And if I catch you using
that elevator again,

I'm gonna tell Mr. swope.

J what's best for me

j mother knows
what's best for me

Is that Mr. swope?

That's him, baby.

On!

Mr. swope?

Putney.

Putney, Sonny Williams again.

He was a guest on dating
game and when he didn't win,

he stood up and
exposed himself again.

CBS went off the
air for seven hours.

Bail him out and
get him in here.

Oh Mr. swope,
I'm sister basilica

and this here is Billy Reilly.

Billy's an orphan and
he wants to be your pal.

Now, if you want to be
Billy's pal all you have to do

is fill out the necessary papers

and take him out of the
settlement once a week.

Oh you know, you can
take him out to lunch,

or take him for a ride...

You're taking me for a ride.

Oh be a pal!

Shouldn't you be at school?

Fuck you and fuck
the establishment.

And fuck you people
who are trying

to make me part of the
unestablished establishment.

All right, I'll pick you
up tomorrow at 11 o'clock.

I'll take you to the zoo, then
we'll go to the ball game.

Why don't you just adopt
me and get it over with?

Don't push me, pal.

Whatever you decide,
don't do it out of guilt.

Oh bless you!

If this stiff comes
through we have it made.

Come on.

Brother, you were voted
in here on a jive Hummer.

Now how, when, are
things gonna happen, man?

Your whole cart has been peeped.

When are thing gonna
start to change?

Where's the revolution
you were talking about?

There ain't nothing happening,
there is no revolution

the way you're running
this joint, man.

Now, when is something
gonna happen?

When are you gonna do it?

When and how, what day?

Gimmie a time, man.

Show me how progress
is gonna be made.

There ain't no progress the
way this is running now.

Putney, this is Sonny Williams.

Whadddya got to
say for yourself, Sonny?

Don't feel bad, it's okay.

Come on.

Now there's a man
who is doing something.

That is a revolution,
man, don't you understand?

When are you gonna start?

When are you gonna do something?

Putney, the president
of the United States wants

to see you in three hours.

He says he'll meet you halfway

so it's all set
for Philadelphia.

Mr. swope?

Mark focus.

I did this for hertz,
that's colgate,

that's nabisco, that's IBM.

Did this for Mr. swope.

That's rockefeller.

That's rockefeller.

What are you gonna do for me?

What are you, nuts?

We made it, put,
it's phenomenal.

We've thrown a tremendous hump
into the cooling industry.

Who told you to open your mouth?

No one, it just happened.

All right.

I created face off.

I conceived the borman six and
don't forget the mousetrap.

The rest of you
people took old ideas

and broken down concepts
and embellished them

with a sense of show business.

But that's not enough.

When I see things
that ain't fresh,

I get butterflies in my ulcer.

So from now on,
you got to come up

with completely
original fantasies.

Stop looking at the tube.

Stop reading magazines
and newspapers,

and don't talk to strangers.

And don't...

Mr. swope?

Get on the freight elevator.

Get rid of him.

What do want me to do with him?

Get him a
gig with the president.

First day on the job

and you get to meet
president mimeo.

I'll take him off.

How do you like my
demonstrators, swope?

I put them in front
of your building,

'cause you won't
advertise cigarettes,

war toys, and
alcoholic beverages.

And that's discrimination.

I also hear you flipped
over the borman six.

Bum trip swope.

If you keep discriminating
against those products,

I'm gonna keep up
the demonstration.

It's a small world, swope.

Don't cross me.

Let's move out.

Say please.

I said move out!

Back to welfare, trigger.

Okay, move out.

Rent yourself a short, schmuck!

Hin!

My word, hing!

Maybe hingleberry or hingsaurio.

Hing spells nothing,

begins nothing
possible unto Webster.

It is my very, very own hing!

Hing in the teeth of the wind,

and in the faces of
governments and men.

Hing!

Hing uninvited, hing unexcited,

hing retiring into
his own hinghood!

I built a wooden hing
once and fooled no one.

I painted hing in oils
and ran out of canvas.

But I shall follow
wherever hing lead,

till hing vanish into darkness.

My word, hing!

Get everybody into
the conference room.

Got it.

Hing!

Put that out.

Lunger cigarettes
swope, whaddaya say?

Daly war toys.

We just came out with a new game

called cops and demonstrators.

Bull Connor bourbon.

You name the price, swope.

Lunger cigarettes,
swope, what do you say?

Ethereal cereal.

You saved me.

Fill this up.

Right.

I want everybody to drop
whatever they're doing,

and start thinking up ideas

for bull Connor bourbon,
lunger cigarettes

and a new game called
cops and demonstrators.

I thought you said we
wasn't gonna advertise

that kind of stuff.

I changed my mind.

I thought only women
changed their mind.

The man's copping out.

What you say?

I said you're a cop-out.

Get out of here!

And don't come back either.

Shit.

You're a punk.

If you wasn't my
brother, I'd kill you.

I want these campaigns
ready by five o'clock sharp.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

I already done it.

What do you really wanna do?

Advertise garbage
or do what's right?

Both.

The man's a genius.

Good people.

I tested them but
they did not cop.

You mean that
whole scene was a put-on?

That's right.

There's eight
million and change here.

Figure what's left and
divide it up equally.

Forget the messengers
and forget the arab.

Beautiful, baby, beautiful!

Putney, if you wanna
push cigarettes and booze,

it's all right with me.

That's right.

Putney, I don't care
what you advertise,

as long as I get my raise.

Brother, if you
wanna advertise crap,

you're my man.

That's right.

I'm with you, put.

Whatever the hell you
wanna do, I'm with you.

You're a genius, putney.

Do your thing.

Putney, I hear you're
splitting up the money equally.

That's good.

How did you find out?

The drum.

The drum should have told
you, you ain't getting a penny.

If I don't get my piece by
sundown, your ass is mine.

Hey, do you have
my bread, brother?

The man says
you gets nothing, arab.

What?

Man, you better get
your story straight.

What you talking about?

The drum says equal
shares for everybody.

And everybody means me.

Don't you understand, mister?

So come out your dream world

and get your story
straight, man.

Before I get hot here and I have

to tell my cousin
sirhan saran wrap.

The man says you gets nothing.

You gets nothing.

The man said I get
nothing, then I gets nothing.

You got a light?

Right.

Bonzai!

Bonzai!