Original subtitles

I'm going to take the elevator.

- What floor is Ezra Ounce on? - Why, the Ezra Ounce floor.

Take this elevator to the 25th floor then take the special tower elevator.

- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

I beg pardon, which is the tower elevator?

- Did you wish to see Mr. Ezra Ounce? - Yes, sir.

Have you an appointment?

- Yes, sir. - Have you any identification?

Ezra Ounce is my wife's cousin.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

- Send him up. - Send him up.

- That way, please. - Yes, sir.

- Pistol? - Kidnappers.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City to see Mr. Ounce.

- Send him in. - Take him in.

Electricity.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway of New York City has an appointment to see Mr. Ounce.

Cousin Ezra, that is, Mr. Ounce, sent for me to come from New York.

You are three and one-half minutes early.

This is the first time that Cousin Ezra...

...Mr. Ounce has sent for me in 20 years.

March 8, 1912, you had an appointment at 10:23 a.m.

You stayed four minutes.

Yes. He had heard that I'd had a baby. That is, my wife, Mathilda, had it.

He wanted to add it to the family tree.

Girl. Name: Barbara. Weight: Five pounds.

Complexion: Undetermined. Hair: Bald.

Yes. Barbara took after me at first. She was born bald.

She's got hair now.

- Fortunate. - She's 22 now.

Twenty-two years, two months, three days is correct.

Cousin Ezra wasn't very happy about her being a girl.

Mr. Ounce does not approve of females.

I'm, that is, we're sorry we couldn't have given him a boy.

It is time for your appointment.

Mr. Ounce is very particular as to punctuality. Mr. Ounce is waiting.

Oh, thank you.

Electricity.

You told me the tire would run 10,000 miles.

Now, what happened? It blew out. I don't want a new tire.

I want my $ 18.75. If I don't get it back, I'm gonna sue you.

Cousin Ezra, it's been 20 years since...

He told me the tire would run 10,000 miles.

What happened? It only ran 9998 miles.

It's dishonest. False representation, that's what it is.

I don't want a new tire. Sounds eccentric but I can afford to be.

I've got $35 million.

You haven't got $35 million. You can't afford to be eccentric.

- What are you shaking your head for? - I can't afford to be eccentric.

- That's what I said. - That's what I mean.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Mathilda and Barbara send their love to you.

- Barbara sends her love to me? - Yes, Ezra.

Why should she send her love to me? She's never seen me.

Well, she's seen your picture.

She's sending her love to my picture.

No, no, you see. We've told her, that is, she knows all about you.

Sit down.

I've prepared a questionnaire. And if you answer the questions to my satisfaction...

- Yes, Ezra? ...to my entire satisfaction...

...I may have an important decision to announce.

Hemingway questionnaire.

Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Are you a moral man, Mr. Hemingway?

Well, I like to think so.

- Well, don't you know? - Oh, yes, yes, I'm a moral man.

- Have you ever touched liquor or nicotine? - Never.

Have you ever purposely sinned?

No, not much, on purpose.

Have you ever dawdled with the idea of sinning?

Now, Ezra, you know I never dawdle.

- Answer me, yes or no. - No.

- Yes, Mr. Ounce? - Listen carefully, Horace...

...and you'll understand my decision. The family tree.

Yes, sir.

This is the Ounce family tree.

Here's Mr. Ounce coming right up out of the trunk.

This is Mathilda Ounce Hemingway...

...out on this limb.

You married this limb.

And this twig sprouting here is Miss Barbara.

Show him the withered branches.

Mr. Ounce has looked with horror on the rotten branches of his family tree...

...if I might use the term.

Bad banana in every bunch.

There is only one more living fruit of the Ounce family tree...

...and that is bad fruit.

James Higgens, over here, has succumbed to the stage...

...in defiance of Mr. Ounce's known wishes in the matter.

James Bad Fruit Higgens, an actor.

And have you barred said James Higgens from your home...

...pursuant to Mr. Ounce's memorandum, January 13, 1930?

- I have. - You'd better.

Very well, Mr. Hemingway. Mr. Ounce has decided not to wait until he dies...

...before dividing his fortune.

He's going back to New York with you tonight.

There he will liquidate $ 10 million...

...and give it to your wife and yourself.

Ten million dollars.

What about it?

- That's very nice of you, Ezra. - Yes, but if I find out you haven't...

...answered the questions truthfully... - Ezra.

If I find your moral life is nothing more than a snare and a delusion...

...I'll cut you off like a ripe banana.

Yes, Ezra, like a ripe banana.

James Bad Fruit Higgens. Take a look at that.

Destroy this. He's no longer an Ounce.

Like to hear a little secret? I love you.

Jimmy Higgens, why all this love and affection? Have you got a job?

Do I have to have a job to love you?

No, but I'd like to hear both.

Well, I haven't got a job. Nothing but love.

Thirty-four shows in New York and not a one of them aching for me.

You'll get there yet. You just keep trying.

Honey, a couple of boys and myself are writing our own show.

You should have waited until Uncle Ezra died before you went on the stage.

I'd have been playing old-man parts by then. Besides, I don't want any of his money.

I only want to do the things I like, and kiss the girl I love.

It doesn't seem right, our loving each other like we do, being related and everything.

Related? We're 13th cousins.

- Thirteenth? - Thirteenth.

- Say, is that bad luck? - Nothing's bad luck, sitting here like this.

- Too hot? - Of course not.

- That spot... - So what?

It's a precious souvenir to me

- In love? - In strong

With me? How long?

Oh, since you were about Now, let me see

- 'Bout 8? 'Bout 10? 'Bout 12? - No

- Well, when? - I'll tell you very confidentially

When you were a smile on your mother's lips

And a twinkle in your daddy's eye

I loved you then I loved you when

You were a little tender sigh

When I was a babe in my mother's arms

I would wake up with a lonely cry

I cried for you

They never knew They thought it was my lullaby

I gave up every little toy

I played no game

I was a lonely little boy

Until you came

The days flew apart

You were in my heart

And I waited for the stork to fly

When you were a smile On your mother's lips

And a twinkle in your daddy's eye

No. That way.

Up.

Careful.

Oh, Barbara.

Barbara, guess what?

Cousin Ezra is on his way form Buffalo with father.

- And he's gonna give us $ 10 million. - What's he gonna give Jimmy?

Don't you dare breathe that young reprobate's name to Cousin Ezra.

My, your father has dreamed of this moment ever since we were married.

That's all you've talked about as long as I can remember.

But just think. Ten million dollars.

Oh, I can hardly wait to see dear, dear Ezra.

I'd rather see Jimmy once than that old ruin 10 million times.

Barbara, that's almost sacrilege.

Yes, and I wish Uncle Ezra would hurry and get here so I could tell him so.

Barbara.

Laura, how could you do this to Cousin Ezra?

Come on, get up.

Barbara will be glad to see you, Ezra.

Why not? And I've got some good news for you and Mathilda.

While I liquidate $ 10 million, I've decided to spend about a month at your house.

Oh, that is good news, Ezra.

New York City reeks with sin, especially the hotels. I wouldn't go near any of them.

Oh, you're right, Cousin Ezra.

And here's something else.

I shall take a second 10 million to form the O.F. For the E. Of A.M.

- The what? - The Ounce Foundation...

...for the Elevation of American Morals.

You can elevate a lot of morals for $ 10 million, Ezra.

New York City is a hotbed of vice. We'll start with New York and work west.

- Very commendable. - Mathilda can work south.

I'll give her the southern territory.

- Mathilda will appreciate that very much. - Yeah?

She's always been interested in reforming everything.

Ten o'clock. Past our bedtime. Come, Horace.

Bulger. Bodyguard.

Stop that, you old rou�, you.

Did you see her trip me? Come, Horace.

Shows you how careful one must be.

You're a good, clean moral man, aren't you, Horace?

- Oh, yes, indeedy. - Well, see that you remain that way.

We must prepare for the battle in New York. Sleep well, Horace.

- Good night, Ezra. - Good night. Come, Bulger.

- Oh, the wrong room. - No, it isn't my room. It must be yours.

- No, it's not mine. - Well, look.

- It is mine. - Good.

What are you doing in my compartment?

I was with a burlesque show. We were stranded and laid an egg in Troy, see?

- I don't see it at all. - It's very simple.

This is better than walking to New York.

- Y... You get out of here. - Why? I don't snore.

Snore?

One, two, one, two.

One, two, one, two. Well, Horace.

I thought you were in bed.

No, I'm not in bed. I came out to get some air. You're not in bed.

My compartment was too small so I came down to exercise. It's good for you.

Stimulates the digestion, strengthens the corpuscles. One, two, one, two.

I've overdone it. Athlete's stomach.

Must go to bed, Horace.

Come, Bulger.

Well, here's your compartment, Horace.

This should've been mine. E stands for Ezra. Do you get it?

- Good night, Cousin Ezra. - Good night, Horace.

Oh, I thought there was a catch in this. Indian giver, huh?

Get out of here, I'll call the conductor.

Call him. I'll tell him we got on at Buffalo and that you got cold feet.

I'll make a scandal to shake this rattler off its tracks.

- Oh, no. - I think I'll start screaming.

Oh, no, no, no. Stay right here. Make yourself at home.

Wild horses couldn't keep me in here.

Mr. Hemingway.

Is there anything wrong with your compartment?

Oh, it's full of rats.

I see.

I'm not a drinking man myself, but I'm broad-minded.

Yes, sir. I had a cousin used to see rats. Pink ones.

- Come on, you better go to bed. - No, no, I refuse to go to bed.

Will you go quietly, or must I call Mr. Ounce?

Oh, no, no. I'll go quietly.

Mathilda, I shall appoint you first-crusading vice president of the Ounce Foundation.

Well, what do I do first, Ezra?

Well, first... First, we must put our ear to the ground.

What do you mean, Cousin Ezra?

Oh, just snooping around.

Barbara.

- Well? - And a good, good evening to you, miss.

- We don't wanna buy nothing. - I represent the Empire Insurance Company.

- I have a little policy for you. - We've got it. Go away, I got orders.

So have I. I've got to see Mr. Hemingway.

Take your foot away from the door...

...and I'll tell him you're here. - I'm coming in...

...if you don't mind.

I do mind. You stay right here.

I can hardly wait till you get back.

- I never saw such nerve. - Laura, who was at the door?

One of them fresh insurance fellas, ma'am. And he got in.

What company does he represent, miss?

- He says he's from the Empire of Buffalo. - I'll get rid of him, Ezra.

No, just a moment, Horace. He represents my company.

I like persistency. Show him into the sitting room. I'll interview him.

Laura, show him in.

Here I am.

Mr. Ounce says for you to come into the sitting room.

Well, what's this?

- Well, this is the sitting room. - All right, I'll sit.

Do you realize that 65 out of every 100 people become paupers at age 50?

- No. - It's the truth...

...and nothing can prevent it but life insurance.

And you, Mr. Hemingway, do you realize that 65...

...out of every 100 people become paupers at age 50?

- No. - Do you?

- Do you? - Yes.

The lady is right and nothing can prevent it but life insurance.

- Haven't I seen you someplace before? - You haven't. That's why I'm here.

I want to give us a break. My spies told me you'd be here.

- You are James Higgens. - You are Uncle Ezra.

I've got a musical show that's a honey. It's called Sweet and Hot.

- Get out. - I got the show, you the dough.

- Get out. - Now wait a minute.

We don't know or like each other, but this is strictly a business proposition.

- And you stand to make at least $25,000. - Horace, tell him to get out.

- You get out of here. - Now you get right out.

- Lf you don't make money it's a good show. - Lf you mention show to me... Bulger.

Bulger.

Bulger.

Bulger. Here. Put that gun away. Put that gun away. And throw him out.

- Wait a minute. - Throw him out. Throw him out. Out.

D.S. Oggle-wopple. D.S. Oggle-wopple. D.S. Oggle-wopple.

- What does D.S. Oggle-wopple mean? - Maybe he's hysterical or something.

Hysterical? He's a maniac.

- What's the matter? - When I get excited...

...I get nervous indigestion.

Come over here and sit down.

Now you sit right down there, Ezra. And keep quiet.

- We'll get you a drink of water. - No. No.

Well, go get Uncle Ezra some bicarbonate of soda.

- No. - Wouldn't plain baking soda be all right?

No.

Well, then hold your breath and count a hundred.

Have you ever tried holding your finger to your upper lip, hard? Like this?

There's only one remedy.

- What is it, uncle? - Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

- Made in Buffalo. - I'll run to the drugstore and get some.

- Yeah, hurry, hurry. - All right.

Call the drugstore, quick.

What's the matter? Don't you know people have hiccups for weeks sometimes?

- Line's busy. - Well, call another one.

Aren't there any other drugstores in New York?

Do something.

Want me to tickle his feet? He might start laughing.

I don't wanna hear another word out of you.

Have you got Dr. Golden's Silver Elixir?

Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

All right. He hasn't got it anyway.

Maybe if the gentleman would stick his head upside down in a bucket of water.

You're fired. Go pack your things.

Very well, ma'am. And I hope the old buzzard hiccups himself into spasms.

Get out. Get out. Ezra. Ezra.

That was a very dangerous and silly thing for you to do.

He was my last chance. I've been to every producer's office and couldn't get in.

- You got past our maid. - I'll be an expert...

...at getting thrown out.

- Say, how'd you get out? - Oh, I was lucky.

You gave Uncle Ezra the hiccups, and I had to run for medicine.

- Well, I hope they haven't got any. - Oh, you nasty man.

- Good evening, Barbara. - Good evening.

Do you have Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir?

- What? - Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

I haven't been asked for that in 20 years.

I may have a bottle somewhere.

- I'll look. - Thank you.

You know, Mother asked me what D.S. Oggle-wopple meant.

Jimmy, I've heard you say that over the phone so many times...

...I figured out that D.S. Meant: Meet me at the drugstore.

But what does Oggle-wopple mean?

It's a long story. That was just to make it tough in case the folks were listening in.

Oh, I understand.

Here's your elixir, Barbara. It's probably the only bottle in New York.

- Thank you. Charge it, please. - Certainly.

- Want a sip? - Thanks.

Good?

- Well, let's go. - All right.

- So long, Eddy. See you later. - So long, Jimmy.

Oh, my elixir.

You don't have to go right back home, do you, honey?

Gosh, it's the first night we've been together in months.

Look at that moon, sweets.

I wanna talk about the show and about us.

I can't concentrate on it, Jimmy.

All I can think of is Uncle Ezra's hiccups.

Now which would you rather do, listen to Uncle Ezra's hiccups...

...or let me tell you how much I love you?

- Where you gonna tell me, Jimmy? - I could do it here, but I won't.

I gotta have background.

Okay, kid, come on.

How's this for background, sweetheart?

The sea, the moon and you.

- It's perfect, isn't it? - Almost.

- What do you mean, almost? - Jimmy, if your play was a success...

...we could choose our own background always, couldn't we?

Success? Sweetheart, we've got a million dollars right here...

...if I can get someone to back me.

Just listen to this.

This is how I feel about you.

My love must be a kind of blind love

I can't see anyone but you

And, dear, I wonder if you find love

An optical illusion too

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know if it's cloudy or bright

'Cause I only have eyes

For you, dear

The moon may be high

But I can't see a thing in the sky

'Cause I only have eyes

For you

I don't know if we're in a garden

Or on a crowded avenue

You are here, so am I

Maybe millions of people go by

But they all disappear from view

And I only have eyes

For you

Gee, Jimmy, that's swell.

So are you.

My.

For heaven's sakes.

Ezra, please let me send for a doctor.

Don't wanna. I hate doctors.

Don't know what's keeping Barbara. Well, are you comfortable?

Is there anything I can do?

Yes. Get me some elixir and get out.

Never had a woman in my bedroom before in my life.

- But, Ezra... - Get out.

- But I... - Go on, get out.

Crown Drug?

I'll give you $ 100 for a bottle of Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

And I'll give you 1000 bucks if I ever heard of it.

Do something.

I've called up 500 drugstores, and you ask me to do something.

Call one other one, quick.

My.

Hello? Star Drug?

I'll give you 500 bottles... $500 for a bottle of Dr. Silver's...

- Dr. Golden, Dr. Silver's Gold... - Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir.

I haven't seen a bottle since the Spanish-American War.

Oh, get another number, quick.

Ezra.

There's not a drugstore in New York that carries it.

Serves me right for coming without it.

Imagine no druggist in New York City carrying Dr. Silver's Elixir.

Send to Buffalo. Get a couple of cases. Don't stand there.

- But l... - Do something. Get out.

Go on. Get out. Get it. Get the elixir.

How do I know where you get it? What kind of a drugstore is this?

That's your business.

Oh, Horace, control yourself.

- I've called up every... - Horace.

- Blankety-blank drugstore in this town. - Control your language.

- Ezra might hear you. - I don't give a...

Horace.

Barbara.

Where have you been?

- Staten Island. - What for?

- Oh, for Dr. Silver's Golden Elixir. - She's got it.

- Give it to me, Horace. - Hurry up. Give it to him. Cousin Ezra.

- Come on, hurry up. Give it to him. - Cousin Ezra, here it is.

That's it. The only thing that never fails.

- How many spoonfuls? - Never mind. I'll drink it out of the bottle.

Goodbye, hiccups.

That stuff is magic. I feel like a new man.

- Honey. - Jimmy.

I got a date with a producer. They're playing the songs.

- I need you for good luck. - Okay.

Fine.

Boys, that's just what the theater needs.

It's fresh. It's young. It's good.

I like the songs. I like the book.

The whole thing is colossal.

- You'll accept it? - For immediate production.

I'm going to give you my check for $5000, advance royalties.

Five thousand dollars? Did you hear that?

- Oh, gee, that's swell. - We're in. We're in. We're on the way.

There's your check, my boy.

Now if you will just put your name to this...

...merely a release of the property to me...

...while we're waiting for the contracts. Now, I'll notify you when rehearsals start.

Will we get the regular percentage?

You don't have to be satisfied with any usual royalties.

I'll guarantee you boys a straight 15 percent of the gross.

Mr. Todd, you don't know how grateful we are.

Indeed. The only other playwright getting 15 percent is George Bernard Shaw.

Mr. Todd, you're the swellest guy in the world.

My boy, you're youth. Your play is youth.

And I always believe in encouraging youth.

In fact I may almost say that I was young once myself.

Well, you go right ahead and say it. Nobody's stopping you.

Well, well, Mabel. My, you're looking splendid.

I ought to. I spent my last 200 bucks on this outfit.

- Know what I came back to New York in? - In good health.

- In a coat and a pair of step-ins. - Did you have to walk back?

It wasn't your fault that I didn't, you bandit.

Well, Mr. Higgens, I'll call you up later...

...since this is a personal matter. - Personal my eye, I want witnesses.

One o'clock. I have a luncheon engagement with my banker.

- Now, you'Il... - Fork over that $57 back salary or I'Il...

You'll have to see my lawyer.

Your lawyer. You four-flushing chiseler.

He sends me out in a turkey show that folds up like an accordion.

He leaves me holding the bag, stranded, broke in Troy.

Have you ever been stranded in Troy?

Have you ever even been there?

- No, no. - No.

Well, buddy, what did that look like to you?

It looks like you can't get blood out of a turnip.

- Did he hook you too? - No, he just...

...gave us a check for $5000 for our show.

Five thousand? Pardon me while I have a convulsion.

Well, I'd like to meet my fellow sufferers. I'm Mabel Anderson.

This is Miss Hemingway.

And this is Johnny Harris.

And this is Buttercup Balmer. And I'm Jimmy Higgens.

- Hello, Jimmy. - Hello.

You're not related to Horace P. Hemingway?

- He's my father. - The sausage casing Hemingways?

- Yes, why? - Oh, nothing.

Nothing. I just seemed to see a meal ticket coming over the horizon.

Jimmy, please. Let's get out of here.

No, wait a minute. I'm getting an idea.

Yes, I've got it. You say you've got a show?

Have you got $20,000 to put it on?

I've got 17 cents and the clothes I stand in. But there's life in the old girl yet.

Let's you and me go into a conference. Beat it, Buttercup.

Come on, Johnny. Miss Hemingway, if you please.

Goodbye now.

She's got a nerve.

My friend, what kind of a show have you got?

It's a great musical show, got the swellest songs you ever heard.

Is that a fact? Well, let me hear one.

I got one here I think you'll like. It's called:

Try To See it My Way. Here we go.

Girl of my heart Why should we start

Quarreling you and I?

That's a very bad beginning

Ending with goodbye

You're a bit wild Simply a child

Wanting your own sweet way

So before you leave me

Count up to 10

While I say

Try to see it my way, baby

Don't break up a beautiful affair

- What are you smiling at? - Isn't that a sweet song I wrote?

Why is he singing my song to her?

I guess that's the way a crooner works.

- tried to see it your way

Tried to understand your point of view

But I don't want to see it your way

'Cause your way means we're through

Let's both sit down and talk a while

That's all that I suggest

A word of love, a tender smile

And a kiss or two will do the rest

Your way is the last goodbye way

My way is the end of every tear

Won't you try to see it my way?

Try to see it my way, dear

- Well, what are they doing now? - Maybe they're planning a double suicide.

- That's swell. - Wait till you hear the rest of them.

There's a great part for you.

- Help me put the show on. - All right. The show's on and I'm in.

All you've got to do is get me a private interview with Horace P. Hemingway.

- Is that all you need? - I'll get enough money...

...to finance Ben-Hur with solid-gold horses.

- Let's shake on it. - I'll raise you one. We'll kiss on it.

Barbara. The show's in. Mabel's done it.

I don't care what she's done.

And I don't care what happens to your show or to you.

Oh, Barbara, Barbara...

Business before pleasure.

Wait, let's see if I've got it.

Yep, there it is. There's the backer of our show, and there's the billet-doux.

Look out, Uncle Tom Hemingway, here comes Mabel Legree a-cracking her whip.

Thus, my friends, we form tonight the kernel of the nut which is to be.

That nut is the Ounce Foundation for the E. Of the A.M.

Oh, thank... Thank you.

Thank you.

Those magic letters signify so much to all of us.

What does it mean? My friends, the elevation of American morals.

That's what it means.

The nut I refer to is going to be a hard nut to crack.

We all know what a task lies before us. You know what a task lies before you.

You know, you know and you know.

And if the O.F. For the E. Of the A.M. Shall prevail, and it must prevail...

...every theater in our wicked city shall be closed.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway, our vice president...

...will conclude the meeting.

Mr. Horace P. Hemingway.

All right, folks, our honored president has declared war on the wicked.

Now if you'll just pick up the little slips of paper which you have...

...we shall all join in the battle cry.

Rise, please.

Now, all together.

The Ounce Foundation for the Elevation of American Morals.

Who are we?

The Ounce Foundation for the Elevation of American Morals.

Rah-rah-rah. Ziss-boom bah.

The O.F. For the E. Of the A.M.

The meeting is dismissed. Thank you. Thank you.

- I'm so glad you could come. - Goodbye.

- Wonderful. - The Ounce Foundation.

We are fathering... I mean, mothering a great movement. Yes, indeed.

Good night. Thank you.

Don't forget the Ounce Foundation for the Elevation of American Morals.

The Ounce Foundation...

- Is Jimmy there? - No, he's out. Say, listen, Barbara.

We're writing in a little dance tune for you.

- But where's Jimmy? - Out with Mabel, digging up our financing.

Don't write any dance tune for me.

Write them for his Mabel. I don't ever wanna see him again.

- Was I all right with the battle cry? - Yes, yes.

- Thank you, Cousin Ezra. - I was proud of you, Horace.

- Yes, it was a remarkable fine meeting. - Oh, I was thrilled to the core.

- Me too. - Let me see. Oh, it's 10:00.

Way past our bedtime.

Good night. Sleep well so your loins may be girded for the battle.

- Same to you, Cousin Ezra. Same to you. - Thank you.

- Good night, Horace. - Good night, dear.

Please don't mention this unfortunate night to a soul.

Horace P. Hemingway.

You dreadful woman. How did you get in my room?

Hello, Horace.

- You can't smoke in here. - I am smoking.

Do I smell cigarette smoke?

Not in this house, Ezra.

Must be someone burning garbage.

Well, good night, Mathilda.

Good night, Ezra.

How did you get in here? What did you want?

- Twenty thousand dollars. - T... Twenty what?

Twenty thousand of these.

Twenty thousand dollars.

- Go away. - Look, honey.

We've played this scene before, we know how it goes.

Now please don't waste any time.

Give.

Every time I come into this room I'm afraid of finding you.

I dream about it at night.

I wake up in a cold sweat.

Are you gonna quit stalling or am I gonna start screaming?

- You wouldn't dare. - Cousin Ezra...

- What was that? - Sounds like it came from down here.

Horace?

Yes, Ezra?

Did you hear something just now?

No.

That was just the plumbing.

You mean that little:

Ezra?

Was that the plumbing?

Y... Yes, Mathilda. Just a little wind in the pipes.

I've heard many a wind in many a pipe, but never a sound like that.

Well, now, Ezra, you'd better go back to bed.

Well, there's something amiss here. I can feel it in my bones.

- Good night, Ezra. - Good night, Mathilda.

- Lf you ever scream like that again... - I'll never scream like that again.

Next time you'll hear me a mile away. It won't sound like no wind in the pipes.

- What will you do? - What'll you do, Horace?

Don't call me by my first name.

- Okay, P. P's your second name, isn't it? - P stands for Peter.

All right, Pete, how about the 20 grand?

I feel another scream coming on.

You'd rather give me $20,000 than lose Ezra's 10 million, wouldn't you?

- How'd you know about that? - A little bird.

W... Where you going?

- To tell Cousin Ezra what a Romeo you are. - Oh, no.

I'll tell him about our night. That we were train roommates.

- I'll show him your card. - How much?

- Twenty-five thousand. - You said 20 before.

- Why didn't you pay me before? - That's every cent I've got.

- I'd cry, but I haven't a handkerchief. - Lf I give it to you...

...will you give me the card, let me alone?

- Need you ask? - All right.

Plumbing, huh?

Wind in the pipe, huh?

- There. - Twenty-five thousand.

All that fuss over a mere trifle.

You take my last penny and call it a trifle.

- W... Who is it? - It's Mathilda.

My wife. Come on, get out here.

- No, I won't get out... - Here. No, l...

If she catches you in here, I'm ruined.

Come on, get in this closet.

Why... Why, Mathilda. It's you.

I'm your wife, Mathilda. Remember?

L... I was nervous. I couldn't sleep.

- So you've been to bed? - Oh, yes, yes, you see? That's... That's it.

Since when do you go to bed with your pants on?

Well, you see l... Suddenly I had a heart attack.

Yes.

- You know. - Lf I don't, I'll find out.

That's the bathroom.

What do you suppose I thought it was? The Bank of England?

- W... Where you going now? - You'll find out.

- Goodbye, fatty. - Conspiracy. Conspiracy.

Well, only a few weeks more and the $ 10 million is yours.

Providing you don't make me change my mind.

Thank you, Ezra. Thank you very much.

You don't know how generous you are, Ezra.

Now how about a bite of lunch?

Well, I do feel a bit peckish.

Oh, I know a real nice place where we can get a healthful meal.

- Well, let's go there. - Oh, yes.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

I found the first object for our foundation to crush.

James Higgens is rehearsing a play on Broadway entitled Sweet and Hot.

Just read that disgraceful item, Horace. Read that.

Sweet and Hot, Jimmy Higgens' torrid musical comedy...

...springs from the fountain of youth.

Author, songwriters and actors are all youngsters.

- Go on, go on. - Jimmy's backer is said to be...

...none other than a big businessman...

...who is very much interested in the career of Mabel Anderson.

Well, it was horrible enough for Jimmy to write such a terrible play...

...but any man who would finance such an outrage...

...should be tarred and feathered.

The Ounce Foundation shall run him out of town.

I myself shall give him a scathing rebuke.

We'll attend the opening of this production.

- And denounce it to the world. - Will you excuse me?

A conference with a lot of big, sausage casing men from Australia. See you tonight.

Not a word about our attitude toward Sweet and Hot.

We must swoop down on them.

Oh, yes, Ezra, swoop down on them like an eagle from the sky.

- Well, goodbye, Ezra. - Goodbye, Horace.

- Goodbye, Mathilda. - Goodbye, Horace.

You know Horace's heart and soul is with the Ounce Foundation.

I know.

Say, that kid can dance.

Say, you'll do, kid. Go up and get measured for costumes.

Oh, gee, thanks.

All right, girls, take it easy.

Say, that kid's got plenty of stuff. Who is she?

I don't know. What name she give?

Joan Grey. Never heard of her. She'll do till a better one comes along.

Okay.

All right, kids. Come on, places now. Let's get set. Let's get started.

All right, Buttercup, hit it.

Hiya, pop.

Go away, go away.

Burn my clothes, if it isn't Romeo, our financial backer.

I wonder what's on his mind. Come on.

- Well, well, Uncle Horace. - Hello, Hemie.

James, a word with you.

- See here, young man... - Congratulations, Horace, congratulations.

- On what? - Defying Uncle Ezra and seeing our show.

I'm not defying Ezra. And this show has got to stop right now.

Got to stop? Fat chance, Uncle Horace, fat chance.

You young scoundrel. It's my money.

It was your money. You're a credit to this country.

- You put a lot of people to work. - Not this kind of work.

- Lf this gets out, I'm ruined. - You'll take bows when the show opens.

This show is not going to open.

Stop it. Everybody, stop it. This show is off, understand?

- You're all dismissed. - Girls, girls. Don't pay any attention to him.

This show must not go on.

He's only our backer and we've already got the money. Feed him to the lions.

Help. Help. Let me go, let me go, let me go.

Back to rehearsal. Let's go, everybody. Come on. Snap into it.

I'll call the police. I'll have you arrested for assault.

Go ahead, Uncle Horace. We'd be glad to get the publicity.

- Publicity? - Sure. Horace P. Hemingway...

...big sausage man in town...

...gives chorus girl $25,000 to put on show...

...puts a lot of people out of work... - No, no, no.

Please don't do anything like that.

Go ahead and rehearse.

But promise me that Ezra won't find out about me.

Now, don't you worry, because...

All right, girls. Come on, come on. Get into it. Hit the deck. Let's see it.

- Barbara. - Hit it, Buttercup.

- Barbara. - My name is Joan Grey.

You go put on some clothes.

- I have them on. - Why, that's disgraceful.

Barbara's just a visitor. She's not in the show.

Oh, is that so?

You asked me to come to rehearsal, and your dance director hired me.

I got in the show, and I'm going to stay in.

Now, now, now, honey, maybe your father's right.

You don't want me around, is that it?

Afraid I'll cramp your style with your darling Mabel?

I've heard enough of this. You get some clothes on.

I don't care what either of you say.

I'm free, white and 21.

I love to dance and I'm going to dance.

And if you fire me from this show, I'll get a job in another one.

Wait till Ezra and Mathilda hear about this. I'm ruined. Sunk. Lost.

Listen, you don't really think we'd let Barbara...

...appear in a professional show?

Why, she can't. She's an amateur.

Helen Wills is an amateur in tennis.

- She can't play pro tennis, can she? - I don't know, can she?

Why, of course she can't. Now, don't you worry.

I can handle Barbara. Besides, the show's a bit long...

...and we're gonna cut out all the numbers that Barbara's in.

If Ezra ever finds out anything about anything...

...he'll cut me off like a ripe banana. He said so.

How's he ever gonna hear of it?

He always has his ear to the ground.

Lot of newspapermen to see you about the show, Mr. Higgens.

- This is the end. - Now you go hide someplace...

...I'll take care of everything.

- Hi, Jimmy. - Hello, Jimmy.

- Hi, boys. - Who's this secret backer of yours?

Can't tell you just now, boys.

I get it. The more mysterious, the more publicity.

You've got the right idea.

This is the one. Put it in the alley.

Here they come. Finally.

- Have you seen Barbara yet? - Hasn't she shown up?

- Hasn't she even called? - Not a peep.

I told you about amateurs.

She probably forgot it's the opening and made another date.

- You know the opening number? - Backwards.

Put on Barbara's costume. If I drop dead from all this, play my part.

Come on, Mabel, we're late.

Hurry up, will you, Mabel? Go ahead, hurry.

Hold that curtain. We can't start. The leading lady hasn't shown up.

Okay, boss.

My, I'm so glad Barbara didn't tease to go.

I'd never permit it. She's much too young.

- Yes, yes, indeedy. - Yes.

Bulger? Are your loins girded for the battle?

The loins is ready to roar.

Are these gentlemen capable and fearless?

Sure, they's the cream of the crop.

They understand my signal for action?

Sure, when you takes out your handkerchief and waves it...

...they gives it the works.

- Right. - Right.

Mathilda, Horace, forward.

Ezra, don't you think you're going a trifle too far?

No, evil must be met with force. Ezra Ounce is merciless when aroused.

Overture.

Come on, everybody, places, will you?

On stage. Everybody. Come on.

Curtain.

Ezra, have you discovered who is backing this nefarious enterprise?

We find out tonight. Tonight is my night.

- W... Will you excuse me a minute? - Gladly.

Now, hurry back, Horace.

I'll be right back. Yes.

Not yet, Ezra, the handkerchief.

You can't stop the show before it's started.

Just a little excited, that's all.

- Ezra. - Thank you.

Hey, I gotta talk to you.

You certainly picked a swell time. Places, everybody.

- I mean it. This is serious. - You're serious and I'm going daffy.

- Tell Mabel to step on it, will you. - Mabel, step on it.

- This is the point. - What is? Mabel?

No, this. Ezra's gonna give me $ 10 million tomorrow.

I'll give you a million dollars if you don't open.

My first show on Broadway. Is Mabel ready?

- Mabel, hurry up. - I've worked, hoped, dreamed for this night.

I've aged five years and lost 12 pounds at rehearsal.

I'm about to pull the curtain on the most important thing...

...in my life and you come blubbering for me to stop.

- Scram, will you? - I'll give you two million.

I'll give you two seconds to get out. Clear the stage.

Hurry on, girls. Plenty of pep now. Give me a big smile out there.

On stage. Come on, hurry.

Come on, get out of here, will you?

- Jimmy, I'm late. - I'll say. Too late.

- Barbara, what are you doing here? - I'm in this show.

You told me amateurs couldn't play tennis.

- Who's asking her to play tennis? - Lf you step out on that stage...

...you're no longer my daughter. - We'll argue that later.

- I'm ready. - She has on my costume. Take it off.

Sorry, I take orders from Jimmy. Hello, Horace.

Jimmy, I couldn't sneak out until after 8...

...and my taxi got caught in a traffic jam. - Well, you didn't show. Mabel did.

- Lf you let her step on that stage, I'II... - Get out of here, leave us alone...

...or I'll tell them you're backing the show.

No, no, don't do that. I'll go.

Come on, get out. All right, everybody, on stage. Come on.

I wonder what happened to Horace.

I hope the excitement isn't too much for him.

He's so enthusiastic.

Oh, my.

Thank you.

Bulger, this elixir tastes a little strange.

That's the new triple-strength kind.

A case just came down from Buffalo this afternoon.

Oh, I'm so sorry you don't like it, Ezra.

Who said I didn't like it?

Kill your house lights. Get ready for the curtain.

Horace, where have you been?

There's nothing so dreadful about that. Think so, Ezra?

Well, they're saving the worst for later. Wait and see.

No nudity at all. I'm disappointed.

Agreeably, of course.

Barbara.

A fine fishel of kettle...

Kettle of fish. Your daughter. Treachery in our own ranks.

Oh, Horace, the pity of it. Our daughter. Our flesh and blood. A painted actress.

Quick, Bulger, a bottle of that elixir. Excitement has unnerved her.

I don't feel so well myself. Give me a bottle of...

I'll take one if you don't mind.

How can you control $ 10 million? You can't even control your own daughter.

Oh, Ezra, are you gonna cut me off like a ripe banana?

A ripe banana.

I'm just a victim of fate.

'Cause I only have eyes

For you

- One seat, please. - How many?

- One. - There you are.

Got a couple in the balcony?

Well, you got the last two, mister. And am I glad.

And I only have eyes for you

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know if it's cloudy or bright

'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear

The moon may be high

But I can't see a thing in the sky

'Cause I only have eyes for you

I don't know if we're in a garden

Or on a crowded avenue

You are here, so am I

Maybe millions of people go by

But they all disappear from view

And I only have eyes

For you

Are the stars out tonight?

- He doesn't know if it's cloudy or bright. - That's right.

'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear

The moon may be high.

- But he can't see a thing in the sky. - Why?

'Cause I only have eyes for you

Now you don't know if you're in a garden, do you?

Come on, answer me.

Or on a crowed avenue.

Be truthful. Never mind.

You're here, so am I.

Maybe millions of people go by.

- Yes, but they all disappear. - Where?

From view

And I only have eyes for you

My love must be a kind of blind love

I can't see anyone but you

And, dear, I wonder if you find love

An optical illusion too?

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know if it's cloudy or bright

'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear

The moon may be high

But I can't see a thing in the sky

'Cause I only have eyes for you

Yes, I only have eyes

For you

And I only have eyes for you.

Are the stars out tonight?

I don't know if it's cloudy or bright

'Cause I only have eyes for you, dear

The moon may be high

But I can't see a thing in the sky

'Cause I only have eyes for you

I don't know if we're in a garden

Or on a crowded avenue

You are here, so am I

Maybe millions of people go by

But they all disappear from view

And I only have eyes

For you

Very beautiful.

Very, very beautiful.

Oh, very, very, very beautiful.

Ezzy, you wouldn't cut off poor old Horace like a ripe banana, would you?

No, Horacey, not like a ripe banana. Like a ripe avocado.

Boys. Quiet.

- How we doing? - We're doing all right.

- The customers love you. - Do you like me?

- Do I what? - Am I forgiven for being late?

Ask me if I like you again.

Do you like me, Jimmy?

Now ask me if I love you.

Well, do you love me?

- Ask me after the show. - You think I won't?

I tell you, gentlemen. If I'm going to put any money into this show...

...I want to be sure that we get the best music possible.

You're absolutely right. Great songs draw people into the theater.

The story's what's important. I don't put in a cent until we get the best playwright...

Listen, nobody cares about the story. People want songs.

Right, V.C. We've got to get good snappy music.

You've got to have a great leading man.

You said it.

- Mr. McDonald of the Commercial Trust. - Can't see him.

I tell you it's the story that makes the show.

- No, sir, it's the cast. - It's the publicity.

The music.

Gentlemen, please, please. Just think for a moment.

Who writes the words and music

For all the girlie shows?

No one cares And no one knows

Who is the handsome hero

Some villain always frames?

But who cares if there's a plot or not

When they've got a lot of dames?

What do you go for?

Go see a show for? Tell the truth

You go to see those beautiful dames Yes, sir

You spend your dough for Bouquets that grow for

All those cute and cunning Young and beautiful dames

Oh, dames Are temporary flames

To you, dames

You don't recall their names Do you?

But their caresses And home addresses

Linger in your memory Of those beautiful dames

- Yes? - Mr. Earl Farroll to see you.

- Can't see him. - Also Mr. George Hershwin.

Tell him, Tomorrow. Now, gentlemen...

- Well? - Miss Dolly Devoe to see you.

Show her right in.

- Miss Devoe? - Yes.

- Come right in. - Thank you. Kind of you to see me.

Oh, not at all. Yes?

- Miss Dubin, Miss Warren, Miss Kelly, Miss... - Send them all in.

Come right in, girls.

Leave your addresses

My big successes All depend a lot upon

You beautiful dames

As I was telling all those gentlemen A while ago

That what do we go for

Go see a show for Tell the truth

We go to see you beautiful dames

We spend our dough for Bouquets that grow for

All you cute and cunning Young and beautiful dames

Oh, dames are necessary To show business

Dames, without you there would be No business

Your knees in action That's the attraction

And what good's a show Without you beautiful dames?

Rehearsal tomorrow, 11:00

Be there promptly by then

Better set your alarm clocks for 9

At least no later than 10

Hooray for the Ounce Foundation For the Elevation of Celebration. Hooray.

The O.P. For the E. Of the A.F.M.

Boys. Be quiet. Those people are all staring at you.

Well, they couldn't be staring at a better couple of men.

- He's getting ready. - It won't be long now.

That creature's trying to lure you boys.

Impossible. I never even saw her before in my whole life.

She's a very nice, friendly young lady.

Stop this show.

Keep going. Keep going, girls.

What's the matter? Girls, girls.

Oh, Ezra, you started it, now stop it.

I knew I should've stayed at home.

Quiet. Quiet.

Oh, Horace, get away from those shameless women.

Oh, Mathilda, go away and leave me alone. I'm in jail.

Silence.

Mr. Ounce, I've arranged to get you out of this terrible jail.

Yes, but I don't wanna get out of jail. I like it.

I never had a better time in my life.

But, Ezra, think of the Ounce Foundation.

You know what I think of the Ounce Foundation?

Phooey.

We'll get a million dollars' worth of publicity out of this. The show will run a year.

Maybe we owe Uncle Ezra a vote of thanks.

I'll offer him a job as company press agent.

Say, by the way, I was going to ask you something after the show.

Is it all right now?

You couldn't pick a better time or a better place.

Where should we go, honey? Bermuda or California?

Well... uh...

As usual, I'll have to make up your mind for you.

Oh thanks, Vernon, honey.

Bermuda, tomorrow morning.

- Tomorrow morning? - Too soon?

Not soon enough.

Your cue, Mr. Lowndes.

My cue, Mrs. Lowndes.

Good evening Mr. Hudson. Hello, Ed.

Mike, hello. And goodbye.

We're leaving town in the morning.

Julie can go with my blessing.

Show's been running three years. She's deserves a rest.

- Thanks. - But you don't.

Where's the new show you've been promising me?

You haven't written one line since poor Marty got killed.

Please, don't tell me what a great writing team

Marty and I were, and how much I miss him.

I miss him more than you do. He was money in the bank.

Yeah, and Julie keeps telling me what a great husband Marty was, too.

Pretty tough to follow, wasn't he?

Closing night. They won't go home until you've given a speech.

You do it, Vernon.

Oh no, I'm gonna get the car.

Don't make it a long speech, honey. We're off salary time.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I only wish it were three years ago and our show was opening instead of closing.

I know your applause is meant not only for me, but for

Mike Hudson, our producer, and for Vernon Lowndes,

Not only a fine dancer but a fine writer, too.

My only regret is

That his collaborator, that talented young man who also staged this show

Isn't here to share this moment.

He lies in a hero's grave,

Far across the sea.

Marty Stewart, who gave so much of himself to the theater.

No one appreciated his genius more than I.

I was not only his leading lady.

In those day I was his wife.

So while those of us who are still alive are

Hearing your applause, and taking our bows,

We know in our hearts it is really his night, not ours.

Marty!

Oh!

House lights! House lights!

Please everyone, will you leave the dressing room. Come on now, please.

I'm sorry, honey, well, you know how it is.

A guy gets back from overseas, he just doesn't stop to think. Will you forgive me?

Oh, everything is gonna be just beautiful as soon as I get you home.

Home!

Mike, I think we better leave her alone for a while.

I'll help her get dressed. Come on, give her a chance to pull herself together.

Okay, all right.

- I'll be waiting for you. - Come on, son.

How do you feel?

Numb.

It's quite a shock discovering your husband is still alive.

Who's gonna tell your other husband?

The one who's out in the car? With the tickets to Bermuda in his hot little fist?

- I wonder... - Don't look at me.

Once upon a time, I fell in love with him.

You married him.

Oh, then you tell Marty.

Oh I couldn't. I don't know if you know this but...

I was a little starry-eyed about him, too.

All right, I guess it's my place.

For once I've got to make up my mind and do something.

I'll tell Vernon, I'll tell him right now.

I'll...

I'll...

Gwen, won't you tell him.

There's an old saying, You made your own bed...

Vernon.

That was kind of a long speech.

I have something to tell you.

Don't. The way I feel, we may not bother to talk for days.

But it's about my speech.

I know it by heart.

My only regret is that the talented young man who also staged the show

Is not here to share this moment.

- But he is. - What?

- He just kissed me. - Who kissed you?

- Marty. - Marty who?

Marty Stewart.

Darling, look. Marty's dead.

He's been dead for two years.

You'd never know it by the way he kissed me.

Now look, honey, I know how sentimental you get about things.

Remember how that little dog got run over, and you kept dreaming he'd come back.

Well, he didn't come back. And Marty didn't come back.

Now, come on, let's get in our little car and go on to our little beddie-bye.

I don't know.

Marty wants to come back to our little beddie-bye, too.

It's not true.

- Julie! - It's true. He's right in there with Mike.

He was marooned on an island some place all this time.

He wasn't killed. He wasn't even wounded.

Well, what did he say when you told him?

- Told him what? - That you're married to me, now.

I didn't tell him.

Well, somebody has to tell him.

Yes, but break it gently.

Gently? Me?

Just say, Marty, old man. A funny thing happened to me while you were dead.

You want me to tell a guy who's just come back from

Two years on a desert island that I married his wife?

Wait, you haven't met the new stage manager yet.

I don't wanna meet anybody else. There's only one person I'm interested in meeting.

She sent me to say hello to everybody in the cast.

Now it's your turn, again. Hello, Julie.

You haven't say hello to Vernon.

It's great to be back around all the old familiar places.

Uh... Marty...

I know, now it's your turn. Gee, it's good to see you again, Vernon.

You don't know how much I thought about you while I was away.

You two boys can get the old partnership going, just like it used to be.

- Come on, we'll get a cab. - This is my car.

Congratulations. We'll get a cab.

No, no, I'll drive you home.

Okay, if it's not out of your way.

Believe me, it isn't.

I'll go along, too. I live in the neighborhood.

So do I.

- Pretty crowded neighborhood. - You have no idea.

Well, everybody into the car. Come on Julie, I got a lot to talk you about.

You drive. I'm getting in the back with Marty.

- What for? - We're collaborators, aren't we?

Well, here we are...

Isn't it wonderful? The five of us back together again?

Just like the old days, when we were starving happily in Greenwich Village.

Yes, but no matter how tough things got, we were always friends.

Ready to sing at the drop of a hat, weren't we, Marty?

- Hmm. - Maybe somebody ought to drop a hat.

Boom.

Marty, you haven't told us about your war experiences.

Reconnaissance flight. Hurricane. Out of gas. Desert island.

Coconuts and native girls. And back to the old stand.

You must have hated to leave those coconuts.

Why were you reported dead?

Another Martin Stewart. Air Force snafu.

Julie, isn't there something you have to tell Marty?

- Oh, Marty. - Uh.

There's something you have to understand.

The War Department sent me a telegram saying you'd been killed.

I would have cracked up if it hadn't been for Vernon.

Well, old Twinkle Toes been a comfort to you while I was away?

I've seen a good deal of him.

He's been like one of the family.

Isn't that right, Julie?

Oh, yes, he was very kind to me during my...

Vernon, I knew you would be a tower of strength.

- Oh, I did what I could. - Thanks, pal.

You see months and months went by and everyone gave you up for...

Aw, not you, uh-uh.

Marty you've got to understand...

Julie, you had faith.

I knew you would. A lot of other girls would have run off and got married again.

- Marty. - Huh?

We're home.

Ah the same old apartment house.

You know, I had a crazy idea not to come to the theater at all.

I was just gonna wait and break in on you in the middle of the night.

Wouldn't you have been surprised?

It would have been about even.

Come on, doll.

Good night, sweetie. We'll see you soon. Mike, good night.

Vernon, thanks for the lift. Thanks for everything you did for Julie.

The pleasure was all mine.

No, don't get out. You don't have to see us to the door.

Now look, Marty, you and I have to have a little talk.

Well, fine, we'll have lunch.

Not tomorrow. The first part of the week. I'll see you then.

Hey, open up.

Julie, I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't we all go up and have a drink together and

Celebrate Marty's return?

Fine, I'll park the car and be right back.

Very funny.

That's a wonderful idea.

You're kidding.

I'll make some scrambled eggs.

I remember Marty used to just love scrambled eggs at night.

- Yes, I'll mix the drinks. - I'm not thirsty.

Come on, Marty, you can't brush off old friends. We'll have a wonderful time.

We may stay up all night. Laughing and talking.

Great, just great.

Ah, just as I used to dream about it.

Same old piano.

Oh, Vernon, we wrote some great shows here.

Yup, the windows overlooking the park.

Oh I forgot, we were gonna have a drink. Now...

Well, let's see. Where...

- Just raise up on that knob, there. - Oh!

Oh, huh... you changed things.

Chateau Dijon 1937. You never used to drink wine.

She's got a lot of new tastes.

I bought it for her. That was a fine vintage year.

Oh, well, where did you hide the whiskey, dear?

I gave most of it to the janitor.

There may be a bottle somewhere.

The highball glasses are in the other cupboard.

The ice?

Right there. That's a little ice box.

Oh, very clever. This is new, too.

I bought it for Julie.

You seem to be familiar with everything in this apartment.

- Everything. - He's been a tower of strength.

Oh, you mix them. Come on, Julie.

Marty, I...

I think Julie has something to tell you.

There's been a marriage you ought to know about.

Marty, what was it, water or soda? - Water for me and Julie.

Not for me, I wanna keep my head.

What are you gonna do with your head?

- Marty. - Huh?

I don't know how to tell you but...

Well, you see...

Vernon's married.

Well, what do you know?

The life-long bachelor. Congratulations, Vernon. Gwen...

The best, kid. You finally hooked him, huh?

You two were cozy for quite a while. I'm glad he made an honest woman of you.

- I did not marry Gwen. - I'm free for any offer.

You know, you're lucky you didn't get him.

Well, anyway, whoever you married, I give it three weeks at the most.

I don't give it another night.

We'll drink a toast to the unlucky bride

And then I'm sure you'll all have to be running along.

To Mrs. Vernon Lowndes, whoever she may be.

May all her troubles be little ones.

I'll drink to that.

Well, so long. Sorry you have to be leaving.

What's the matter with this fella. Hasn't he got a home?

- Oh yes, he has. - Well, tell him to go there.

I haven't been out of this uniform for three days. I'm going upstairs.

Hey, Marty, wait!

- Good night all. - Marty, don't!

What am I doing? Breaking a law or something?

- Not yet. - Ah come on, honey. Don't break up the party so early.

It's just like a class reunion.

The four of us back together again.

Like the old days in Greenwich Village.

Oh no!

Somebody stop him.

You got any idea how?

Look, will everybody please go home except my wife.

- Everything all right? - Come on in. You're just in time for the finale.

Oh no!

What's this?

- Nobody told him yet? - Kindly fasten your seat belt.

- Now, Marty... - On your bed.

Pajama tops. Men's. Who belongs to them?

Where are the bottoms?

I never wear them.

Marty, why did you do that?

Why? What a question.

It's all right, it's perfectly legal.

Legal? What's happened to America while I've been away?

- If you'll let me explain... - Go on, it should be interesting.

- Well, you see... - Look, Marty, it's that...

I knew all along I'd have to tell you.

Marty!

You were reported dead.

Julie and Vernon got married.

Happens every day. No need to let it break up the team.

Now, aren't you sorry you lost your temper?

Well, you see. Nothing's wrong. We're married.

Congratulations.

Oh.

Have you...

Not yet.

How long is it going to take?

I don't know.

A girl who hasn't made up her has no right coming in here looking so beautiful.

How did the natives go for that line?

Please.

You see what this all means.

If I decide on one of you,

I've got to hurt the other.

And I love you both too much for that.

Now, wait a minute. That's silly.

Is it silly to...

Be in love with the man that I've been married to for over a year?

Someone who's been sweet and kind and understanding.

And when you came up on that stage...

I thought my heart would stop.

It was like the first night you took me home,

And you held out a bag of peanuts to me and said,

I wish these were diamonds.

Yeah, I stole the line but I meant it.

Probably stole the peanuts, too.

- Julie, what are we gonna do? - We can't go on like this.

Please, you've got to give me time.

A girl just doesn't flip a coin about a thing as important as this.

I have to decide which man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I've got to be sure I'm right.

Good night, darling.

- Oh Julie. - Good night, darling.

Good night.

Got a deck of cards?

No.

If you don't mind, I think I'll take a cold shower.

Julie. Julie.

Ouch!

What are you doing here?

If I ever heard of a situation that calls for a chaperon, this is it.

- Where's my wife? - Downstairs, the maid's room.

Oh, by the way.

Maid's room is locked.

I might as well have stayed with those coconuts.

Ouch!

Boy, you must have been dirty.

I like long showers. Any objections?

No.

- Did you have fun, little boy? - Not a bit.

I think I'll take a shower.

Go ahead. You won't have any fun either.

- Good night. - Good night.

Which one?

I think it's time that I knew which one?

I wish that character would

Make up her mind

She can't have them both

That can't be done

By all that's right

I'm entitled to one, but

Which one?

Which is the one

For

Me

You have nothing to worry about, Mrs. Lowndes.

You're in the hands of the United States Air Force.

We recognize our responsibility for this situation.

It's wonderful of you to help me, Colonel Wharton.

It seemed like an impossible problem.

Well, you know our motto,

The difficult we do immediately,

The impossible takes a little longer.

Of course the civil courts are rather slow moving,

But when your case come up, the Air Force will be at your side.

And then what? Who am I married to?

Well, the law is quite specific on that point.

The first spouse is the legal spouse. The second marriage null and void.

What if I don't want the second marriage null and void.

Oh? Oh!

Well, there is plenty of precedent for that, too.

Since the second marriage was entered into without intent to deceive,

The second marriage is legal, therefore the first marriage may be annulled.

But the first marriage was legal, too, wasn't it?

Oh yes, of course.

Then I'm legally married to Marty, and I'm legally married to Vernon.

Well, that's an amusing way of putting it.

Of course, you'll have to decide on one or the other.

- Why? - Why?

I should hope because you're in love with one of them.

Which one is it?

I love both of them.

Yes, but one a little more than the other.

No.

Not even just a little bit?

Not even a little bit.

Even Steven.

Pardon me.

You know something.

You've just given me a wonderful idea.

Why, I've got what every woman wants.

A husband and a lover.

And they're both legal.

No, no, no. That's bigamy, and it's illegal.

Illegal?

Who sent me this telegram?

Well, the... War Department.

What does it say?

Regret to inform you, your husband, Lieutenant

Martin Stewart, killed in action.

Did I have every right to marry again after that?

Well, yes, of course, but...

Then if anybody is guilty of bigamy, it's the army.

You made the mistake.

Madam. In 150 years,

The United States Army has made a lot of mistakes.

But letting you in this office was the biggest mistake of all.

I don't feel that way at all.

Why, you've taken a load off my mind.

There's nothing wrong in what I'm doing.

Nothing wrong?

According to your line of reasoning, a woman could have three, four, six...

A dozen husbands.

A dozen husbands.

There'd be no limit.

A dozen husbands.

Let me read you something, if I may...

A dozen husbands.

A dozen husbands.

Down boy

You're acting like a Newfoundland pup

And mama don't Like you jumping up I swear

You've gotta stay Down, down, down

You've gotta stay down

Down boy

You're acting like You ain't ever fed

So if you wanna Be mama's

Ted... Dy... bear

You've gotta stay Down, down, down

You've gotta stay down

Girls like

A sudden show of affection

But they don't like

So much that they need A bulldog's protection

Down boy

I'll pet you but I must draw the line

You evidently Ain't read my sign

"Beware!"

You've gotta stay Down, down, down

You've gotta stay down

Down boy

Stop acting like a brand new Newfoundland pup

All beat up

Button up Trying to make up Mama's getting fed up

You've gotta stay Down, down, down

You've gotta stay down

Down boy

Stop acting like a Half-grown quadruped

Under fed Sick in the head

You heard what What mama said

You've gotta stay Down, down, down

You've gotta stay down

Girls like

A sudden show of affection

But they don't like

So much that they need A bulldog's protection

Down, down, Dee down boy

I'll pet you but you have to Draw the line somewhere

Guess you haven't read my sign

Beware, boy!

You've gotta stay Down, down, down

I'll say it just once more

Same thing I said before

Down boy!

-You've gotta stay Down, down

Couldn't you just die?

If your argument was to be taken seriously,

It would result in the ridiculous conclusion

That a woman can have as many husbands as she wants.

Oh, I'm glad you agree with me.

It would be just wonderful.

And if anybody has any objections, I can send them right to the US Air Force.

Oh, thank you, Colonel Wharton. You've been a wonderful help.

And the impossible you have done immediately.

Now think hard.

You saw their faces in your newspaper today.

Now, what news story does this represent?

Ah? Would you repeat the question please?

Another one.

We're famous.

You saw their faces in your newspaper today.

Now, what news story does this represent?

Uh... that's that actress.

And her husband came home and he was in the army.

Only she had two of them.

Correct.

Leave it on. It's better than looking at you.

Now, soldier, this is right up your alley.

What do you think of the situation this represents?

All right, so this guy goes into the Air Force, see.

And he leaves the wife alone, see. Correct.

Well, this other guy, he's been givin' her the eye all along, see.

So along comes a telegram from the War Department

Tellin' her this first guy's been knocked off, leavin' the field clear.

Well, telegrams come cheap.

What point are you trying to make, soldier?

Anybody can swipe a telegraph blank,

Sign it "War Department" and slip a kid a couple of bucks to deliver it.

Ha!

Then by the time this poor Joe gets back, if he ever does get back,

The other guy and his wife are so cozy, he don't stand a chance, see.

Good, now, if you were Marty,

How would you solve this problem?

Easy. I'd grab the crumb who stole my wife and bust him right in the nose.

Thank you Miss Williams and Sergeant Kowalski.

And I'm sure you've been a great help

In bringing peace and happiness to a troubled home.

Now...

Marty, Vernon.

- What happened? - Where you been all day?

That's her own business.

Where have you been?

Well, I talked to the Air Force

And I was little excited so I walked around and shopped

A little because that's when I do my best thinking.

What did the Air Force say?

I think we'd all better sit down.

You can see how foolish it was for you two to be fighting

Because the Air Force says I can keep you both.

Our Air Force?

You're joking. See, she's just joking.

- She isn't. - Of course I'm not.

The Colonel didn't exactly say that.

But he admitted that I was legally married to each of you.

And while I'm making up my mind, that's how I'm going to stay.

You can see that's the only sensible thing to do instead of rushing into things.

If you're not careful, you think for a minute that she's talking sense.

I am talking sense.

I will not be rushed into anything so important.

Now, we're going out to dinner just as we did when we were married.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me understand this thing.

Exactly who is going to dinner?

You and I, Marty and I.

- Two happy couples. - Uh-huh!

And then we'll go dancing and have few drinks.

And then we'll all come home.

We'll all come home?

Just like we did when we were married?

That's right.

I'm going upstairs and change.

What do we do now?

Just what she says.

You'll have to let Marty have one of your dinner jackets.

Oh, naturally.

Share and share alike.

And hurry.

Oh, by the way old man. When I socked you a while ago.

- Yes? - I meant it.

So did I.

I phoned, they didn't answer. I checked with the desk. The manager said the

Three of them left together, hours ago.

The happy triangle out on the town.

Trying every angle.

I have to run along in a minute.

Mind eating alone?

No, the kid's getting used to it. I've been well trained.

Did I ever tell you about the time I fell in love with Sam the Coconut Man?

Marty?

But you know little Gwen. A lot of laughs.

Nobody takes me seriously.

I sent Julie a lovely wedding gift.

And switched to Twinkle Toes.

Yes, I made up my mind fast.

Big mistake.

Should have followed Julie's example and never made up my mind about anything.

I drank his awful wine. I sewed buttons on his awful vests.

And I was beginning to like it.

Along comes Little Miss Indecision and I'm shut out again.

I sent her the same wedding gift.

You wouldn't wanna maybe do the town with a guy who

Has no intention of getting married until he's around 70? Might help you forget things.

I'm having much too good a time feeling sorry for myself.

Don't worry. Julie'll make up her mind, and there'll be one left over for you.

We'll get a new show going and everything will be great.

Thank you, Mother Goose.

Night, baby.

There's a someone I'm longing to see

I hope that he

Turns out to be

Someone to watch

Over me

I'm a little lamb

Who's lost in the wood

I know I could

Always be good

To one

Who'll watch

Over me

Although he may not Be the man

Some girls think of

As handsome

To my heart

He carries

The key

Won't you tell him please

To put on some speed

Follow my lead

Oh, how I need

Someone

To watch

Over me

Ole!

Ole!

It was wonderful. Wonderful!

We'll go out every night together and dance and dance.

My earrings hurt.

Please.

Thank you. Thank you both.

Would you unzip me?

Good night.

You still here?

We were under the impression we were invited.

Would you care for the bathtub first, old boy?

- Oh, no after you. - Oh, thank you.

Go to your room, both of you.

Our room? Oh, you mean the dungeon with the twin beds.

Didn't the Air Force say we were all married?

Well...

You know, I'm a little dizzy.

But not as dizzy as you think. Now, get out of here.

Exactly what we intended to do all along.

Just as soon as you discovered how ridiculous your whole idea was.

Why!