Original subtitles

("Bohemian Like You" by The Dandy Warhols)

♫ You've got a great car

♫ Yeah, what's wrong with it today

♫ I used to have one too

♫ Maybe you'll come and have a look

♫ I really love

♫ Your hairdo, yeah

♫ I'm glad you like mine too

♫ See, we're lookin' pretty cool, get ya

♫ So what do you do

♫ Oh yeah, I wait tables too

♫ No, I haven't heard your band

♫ 'Cause you guys are pretty new

♫ But if you dig

♫ On vegan food

♫ Well, come over to my work

♫ I'll have them cook you something that you'll really love

♫ 'Cause I'm like you

♫ Yeah, I like you

♫ And I feel so bohemian like you

♫ Yeah, I like you

♫ Yeah, I like you

♫ And I feel whoa, ho, woo

♫ Wait, who's that guy

♫ Just hangin' at your pad

♫ He's lookin' kinda bummed

♫ Yeah, you broke up, that's too bad

♫ I guess it's fair

♫ If he always pays the rent

♫ And he doesn't get bent

♫ About sleepin' on the couch when I'm there

♫ 'Cause I like you

♫ Yeah, I like you

♫ And I'm feelin' so bohemian like you

♫ Yeah, I like you

♫ Yeah, I like you

♫ And I feel whoa, ho, woo

- [Vendor] Hey, you, come back here!

Come back here now!

♫ I'm getting wise and I'm feelin' so bohemian like you

♫ It's you that I want, so please

♫ Just a causal, casual easy thing

♫ If it isn't, it is for me

♫ And I like you

♫ Yeah, I like you

♫ And I like you, I like you, I like you

♫ I like you, I like you, I like you

♫ And I feel so bohemian like you

- [Ricco] Hey, Les.

- [Les] Hey, Ricco.

What do we got?

- [Les] K'Harma's inside.

- [Ricco] Is Jace with her?

- [Les] Yeah, they're eatin' lunch.

- Hey, what's goin' on in there?

- Get the fuck outta here, kid, we're workin'.

- All right, guys, forget it.

She's not coming out, okay?

- Come on, Mitchell, one shot, one shot.

- No, now I need you all to step back

at least 10 feet from this door.

- [Tish] Come on.

- Okay, please.

Thank you.

- Come on, you're in my spot, man.

- Yeah, well, I don't see douchebag written on it.

- Hey, man, that's his fuckin' spot, man.

He was in there first.

- Get your hands off me, you fuckin' paparazzi.

- Rule number one, the bigger ass, the bigger the asshole.

- Yeah, he's got a big ass.

- You fuckin' pig.

Hey, I'm a licensed professional too, all right?

- Hey, chill out, bro, chill out, Les, man.

- He ain't worth it, the fat fucking nancy.

- Come down with me, you asshole.

- I can't believe he just took your spot.

- Welcome to my world, kid.

All right, I wanna coffee, who wants coffee?

- [Woman Paparazzi] I'll take one.

- [Ricco] I'd love a coffee.

- I could use a coffee.

- [Woman Paparazzi] All right, who's goin'?

- I'll go.

- Yeah, send the kid.

- All right, son.

- [Toby] Yeah, I could get coffee.

You want coffee?

- All right, get three regulars, all right?

- [Toby] No problem.

Three regulars.

- You better come back with my change.

- I'm coming right back, three regulars.

One, two, three.

Be right back, be right back.

- [Tish] Light and sweet.

- [Toby] Light and sweet.

- [Ricco] Make mine black, bro, dark black.

- Great idea, send the crackhead to go get coffee.

- Careful, careful, watch your step.

- [K'Harma] How did they even know I was here?

Did you tell them?

- I'd never do such a thing, Miss Leeds.

Now if you'd just bear with me--

- [K'Harma] We know, I remember--

- [Jace] Oh wait, I got something to tell you, man.

- What?

- My burger wasn't even done.

- My personal apologizes, sir.

Come back as my guest any time.

- I'm just sayin', it was like--

- It's okay, baby. - All wet and shit.

- Just hold one second, let me check something.

- Hey.

I don't want them taking my picture.

I just wanna leave, okay?

- You know, I can do things.

I'm good at, I mean, I can work for free.

I could get you fucking coffee.

- Hey, hey, you.

Do me a favor.

Look down there.

Are they looking?

- Yeah, they're looking.

- We can't do it.

- [Toby] Oh shit.

- Shit. - No shit.

- Okay, back up, back up.

10 feet, 10 feet.

- Okay.

- I lost my shades.

Let me have yours.

- No.

- Come on.

Light's fuckin' up my eyes.

- [Mitchell] Shh, shh, shh, not so loud.

- Everyone knows it's you anyway,

K'Harma,

or sometimes known as Insta-K'Harma. (chuckles)

- Don't say that.

- [Jace] Oh, I'm just keepin' it light.

- [K'Harma] I know, I know.

- How 'bout now?

Are they looking?

- Hold it, hold it.

Okay, come on, you can go, yes.

- Good, go, go, quickly.

- Thanks.

- [Jace] Come on, K'Harma,

quit fuckin' around. - Go, go, go, go, go.

- [Jace] Hurry up.

(paparazzi and journalist shouting)

- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- [Toby] Fuck!

(gentle jazzy music)

(sirens wailing)

(clattering) (cat yowls)

Hey.

- Just what the fuck are you doin', man?

- Geez, sorry, man. (laughing)

- Fuckin' sneak up on me like that.

You followin' me?

- No, do you remember me?

Do you know I got coffee for you guys?

- So?

- There was some change left.

I didn't want you to think

I was stiffin' you on the change, you know.

23 cents.

- Jesus, just keep it.

- Keep it, thanks.

Thanks.

It's gonna help.

Hey, you think I could crash here?

- What?

- I'm fuckin' freezin', man.

Do you think maybe I could,

I mean, I'll be out in the morning,

just on your floor or something, on your stairwell.

I'm fuckin' freezin'. - What am I, a fuckin' hotel?

- No, I'm just--

- Go to a flap house, go to fuckin' find yourself

a cardboard box or something.

What the fuck you want from me?

- Please.

(laughs)

Man, I really appreciate this, you know.

It's a nice spot, though.

Been here a while?

- Are you gay?

- No, I mean.

- Look, I don't give a shit.

It's just a lot of chicks coming over here.

I wanna give them the wrong idea.

- No, I'm not gay.

- All right, whatever, whatever, I go with the flow, okay,

that's my motto, you know.

Otherwise, you snap like a toothpick.

Know what I'm sayin'?

- Yeah.

(keys jingle)

- This ain't the Ramada Inn, okay?

- Oh, it's great.

- What'd you say your name was?

- Toby.

These are nice pictures.

- Nice?

They're fuckin' great, man.

I got that from 75 feet away, Elvis Costello.

That guy's like a musical genius.

Got the black and white first, then I switched to color

before he got time to put on his fuckin' hat.

All right, how many shots you see

of Elvis Costello without his hat?

That's a rarity.

- It's cool.

- Hey, hey, hey, don't touch that, man,

what are you doin'?

That's a collector's item, oh Christ.

- I'm sorry.

Sorry.

- That's your covers, all right?

Like I said, this ain't a hotel.

- No, this is perfect, man.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

- What are you, like homeless or what?

- I'm movin' around right now.

Think I could be an actor, I'm tryin' to be an actor.

- Oh, well.

Toby, the most important thing

I could say to you right now--

- Yeah?

- Don't touch anything.

(speaks Spanish)

- Yeah, good night.

(door thuds shut)

(door creaks)

(serene ambient music)

(funky music)

(Toby hums) (machine rattling)

- [Les] Hey!

What are you doin'?

- Oh hey, man.

I fixed your bike.

The chain fell off.

- Why's it so hot in here?

- I got your radiator workin'.

The valve was stuck.

It was painted shut.

It was kind of a bitch but I got it off.

Then I took a shower.

I hope you don't mind.

I unclogged your drain.

The water's draining good now.

- What the fuck are you talkin' about, man?

- What?

- You think I'm gonna pay you for this shit?

- Oh no, man, I'm just returnin' the favor.

All right, I'm gonna get outta here.

I'll see you around.

- See ya.

- Thanks.

Hey, I was wonderin', do you ever need anybody, you know,

to like help out or?

- Nope.

(door thuds shut)

- You wouldn't have to pay me.

It would just be like for free or whatever.

(toilet flushes)

- Well, what is it?

- What's what?

- Is it for free or is it whatever?

- Free.

Totally free, man.

- This room is off limits unless I'm here, all right?

- Okay.

- Rule number one, no lookie, no touchie.

This is the nerve center of my business

and I don't want you screwin' it up

by playing solitaire or jerkin' off on the internet.

- No problem.

Go with the flow.

That's pretty funny with the mouse.

- Yeah, get it here, we got work to do.

Here's your first job.

Clean out this closet.

All right?

- [Toby] Okay.

- Man, half this stuff, I don't even use anymore

now that I've gone digital.

You know, I could just take shot,

email it around the world in 10 seconds.

You ever hear that, shot 'round the world?

- [Toby] That's Eminem, right?

- Eminem, what the fuck is wrong with you?

It's a famous saying, shot heard 'round the world.

That's what I'm aimin' for.

- Yeah.

Sorry, you're gonna throw away some of this junk or?

- No, hey.

This is a collector's item.

My old man gave this to me.

Happen to be very close to him.

- What about this?

- No, it's my book.

- Oh.

- Startin' next week,

I'm gonna take this around to all the agencies,

you know, get that high end work,

Nike, Ralph Lauren.

- So you're not gonna be a paparazzi anymore.

- I told you, I'm not a paparazzi.

I'm a licensed professional.

- M'kay.

- Rule number one, there are players and there are peons.

I happen to be a player.

All right, I got nothing against the paparazzi

'cause without them this whole celebrity game

would crumble like a fuckin' house of cards.

Who buys the pictures?

- Yeah, right.

- No, I'm asking you a question.

Who buys the pictures?

- Oh, the magazines buy the pictures.

- Magazines, okay, who buys the magazines?

People, why?

To see the stars.

Magazines get rich, the stars get famous,

all because I get a shot of K'Harma kissing her boyfriend.

- Oh, you got a picture of that?

- No.

I almost did thought, except some asshole tipped them off.

- Fuckin' asshole.

- Know what I did get,

got a shot of Goldie Hawn eatin' lunch.

- Wow.

Goldie Hawn, man.

- Yeah, very classy lady,

and still sexy as shit, I might add.

- Yeah, I want her autograph.

- Yeah, well, autographs are for peons.

Try it out, get in.

How's that feel?

- [Toby] This is perfect.

- [Les] Comfortable, hold on.

- This is great, man.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- [Les] Feels good, right?

- Yeah.

- Now you got your own private room.

- [Toby] Les, man, I don't know how to thank you.

I really appreciate it.

- All right, come on.

We got work to do, come on.

Let's go.

Hey, Trudy, Les Galantine.

- [Trudy] Hey.

- [Les] I'm just confirming, you put me on the list, right?

- [Trudy] Yeah.

- [Les] Great.

Under your name, right?

- [Trudy] Yeah, bye.

(tires screech) (clattering)

- All the gear in the back.

Get the camera outta the bag.

All right, we take this bad boy case we need it later.

Put it in there.

Be very careful.

- Whoa, tailgate party.

- Hey, hey, hey, that's not a toy, all right.

Let me show you something.

Let's say I need to get into

one of these fuckin' ritzy parties, right?

All I gotta do is I put this on, right,

I put a little water in here,

and I get to stroll right in past these fuckin' assholes

and I look like a real guest.

- That's great.

- All right.

All right, look, rule number one,

don't let anybody crowd me, all right?

Use your elbows if you have to, all right,

give 'em a little thing, all right?

Show me, let me see you do it.

Use your elbows.

Let me show you.

Like that.

Do it, do it.

- I don't, I don't--

- Just fuckin' do it, come on, let me see you do it.

All right, all right, all right, all right,

good, good, good, good.

You ready, assistant?

- Yeah.

- You ready, let's go.

(people chattering)

Come on.

All right, excuse me.

Get in, get in.

- Yo, Les, how you doin', man?

- Good.

- I got your spot, I got your spot right here.

- Thanks.

(Toby grunts)

That's my assistant.

- Better stay the fuck off my foot.

- Hey, they're all inside, del Toro,

Sarah Jessica's in the house, all the fuckin' Sopranos.

- Yeah, Diddy's in there too.

Oh, check it out, Chuck Sirloin!

(paparazzi shouting)

- What's up, guys?

- [Woman] I love the TV show, Chuck!

- Hey, hey, hey.

- [Woman] So hot!

- Eyes here.

- [Chuck] How's everybody?

- Who's the arm candy?

- All right, gang, I gotta go to work.

You guys, easy on the carbs, huh?

Stick with the b.

(paparazzi laughs)

- [Les] Excuse me.

- Where you goin'?

- Hey, Les Galantine, Pete Magazine.

How you doin', I'm on the list.

- What list are you on?

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm on Trudy's list.

Yeah, oh, right there, plus one, all right, come on.

Follow me.

Listen, don't lose me, all right, stick close.

- [Toby] Okay.

- [Les] Don't get distracted by others' hot chicks.

They're useless to us.

Help me spot people, you know, the money shots.

All right, like Lil' Kim, Chuck Sirloin, Diddy.

First chance you get,

find out where they keep the goody bags.

- Cameron Diaz.

- No.

The gift bags,

you know, where they keep all the great stuff.

- Oh.

Gift bags.

- I don't see anybody out here.

VIP room, that's where they are, come on.

- Step back.

- Hold up, little man.

- Oh, what up, dog?

How you doin'?

I'm sorry, Les Galantine, I'm on the list.

- No, you're not.

- Sweetheart, I know you're doin' your job.

I'm just tryin' to do my job.

Can you just take another look?

- [Megan] I don't need to, you're not on.

- [Man] Come on, man, hurry up, let's go.

- [Man] Hey, hey, move it, come on.

- What's Feldman doin' inside?

- Anybody inside is on the list.

(phone rings)

Hi, it's Megan.

- Hey, it's Gabi.

Listen, has Jace come in yet?

(K'Harma sobs)

Okay, 'cause we're here, okay.

He's not here.

- I don't care, okay?

I'm not going in.

That shithead, I can't believe it.

Gimme my phone, I'm gonna call him.

- No, no, no, you are not gonna call him, get off!

Listen to me. - K'Harma, just forget him.

- The best thing for you to do right now

is to go out there and you show everybody

how okay you really are, E!, Entertainment Tonight,

you show them how strong you are.

- No Access Hollywood?

- Yes, Access Hollywood at the after after party.

- Yep.

- Huh?

Now where's my little boo-boo smile?

(K'Harma chuckles)

(Gabi laughs)

See?

- Look, will you just go get Trudy?

Tell her I'm on the list.

- She's busy.

Step aside please.

Everybody, please step aside.

- [Man] Excuse me.

- Watch out.

- [Woman] K'Harma!

- K'Harma, this way please!

(light ethereal music) (upbeat dance music)

Look, I see Trudy in there.

Can you just please walk in, point to me, and she'll say--

- Are you fucking deaf?

You're not on the list, what don't you understand?

- What don't I understand?

I don't understand why I have to talk

to a fucking peon like you!

- [Megan] Get him out, get him out.

- Get your hands off me, man.

- One scum fuck comin' out.

(Les grunts) (paparazzi exclaim)

- [Tish] Hey, hey, hey, hey, easy, you--

- [Ricco] Hey, Les, come on back,

I saved your spot.

- [Tish] Hey, you all right, Les?

- Got yourself a lawsuit, pal, you just broke my thumb.

- Your thumb's not broken.

Beat it before I call the cops.

- Yeah, call the cops, your fucking Nazi bastard.

Where's my assistant?

- I'm right here.

- Get this fucker's name.

Yeah, we'll see you in court, tough guy.

- All right, tough guy, what's your name?

- See-Kyle, motherfucker, that's my name.

- Hey, man, get your fuckin' hands off me.

- [Bouncer] Get outta here.

- [Les] Fuckin' dammit, look, it's scratched, man.

- [Toby] Les, man, I'm sorry.

- [Les] A good assistant woulda caught this stuff.

- I'm sorry, I was trying to catch it.

That guy just came, you know--

- Gimme the Palm.

(metal tinkles)

God damn it.

- What, what, what, what, what?

- The stylus just fell out

'cause you gave it to me upside down.

- What's the, all right, we'll find it.

- The thing you write on, just fuck this.

Just look for it.

It's a pen thing.

- Well, I don't...

- Fuck.

You get the goody bags?

- Aw, shit, no, I forgot.

(Les sighs)

- What?

You know what?

I don't know if this is gonna work out.

- [Man] What you bustin' my balls for, Deedee?

- [Deedee] 'Cause I'm sick of you stayin' out all night.

- [Man] I told you I gotta stay in the city tonight.

- [Deedee] Why?

- [Man] 'Cause I gotta take him

to the plastic surgeon in the morning.

- [Man] 'Cause he's Chuck Sirloin, that's why.

(Deedee mumbles)

He's gettin' an operation.

- [Deedee] On what?

- [Man] On his wang.

He's got a hook to the right in it

and he's gettin' it straightened out.

- [Deedee] Now I know you're lying.

- I'm not lyin'.

Listen, he's very concerned about this, okay?

- [Deedee] Where you gonna be?

- I'm gonna be at 131 Lex.

Listen, Deedee, I can't take it anymore.

- [Deedee] Neither can I, 'cause you are lying.

- It's a red fuckin' door.

(upbeat music)

- [Les] We're gettin' that shot.

Stay up all night if we have to, you with me?

- [Toby] Yeah.

- [Les] The Beef, we're gonna get you tonight.

- [Toby] Comin' to get your beef.

(slinking ambient music)

- There it is.

- The red fuckin' door.

- Now listen, he comes out that door,

we got about five seconds to get him, all right,

and it's totally legal.

He's on a public sidewalk

and I just happen to be sitting here with a camera.

- Yeah. - Right.

- Yeah, it's totally legal.

- All right, come on, watch that door.

- [Toby] Watchin' the door.

Watchin' the door.

- You like being an assistant?

It's kinda fun, right?

- Yeah, I like it.

It's fun.

- All right.

Come on, you gotta keep your eye on that door, right?

- Yep.

- All right.

We're gonna get ourselves a picture.

(slinking ambient music)

(phone rings)

- [Bodyguard] Fuck!

- [Les] Turn around!

- [Nurse] All right, (mumbles) second.

- [Les] There he is, there he is!

- Okay. - Easy.

- All right, all right, come on.

Girl, come on, come on.

- [Bodyguard] I can't get the phone.

Hold on, baby, I'm coming.

(phone rings)

- Take it easy, it's okay, it's okay.

- Get him up, get him up, get him up.

Move your ass.

Fuck, in the way, get over.

- Yo, beef!

(Les gasps)

- Yes!

(camera clicks)

Okay.

Yo, beef, you wanna turn around while I do this?

Right, little privacy?

- [Toby] Oh, sorry.

It's just, can't wait to see this picture.

Chuck Sirloin, man, I used to watch his show.

- All right, turn around, grab a chair.

Watch and learn.

This.

- [Toby] What's that thing?

- That's the disc.

Okay, there's the shots.

- [Toby] It's so good!

- [Les] Watch this, watch this.

- [Toby] Oh my God.

- There it is, the shot heard 'round the world right there.

- Shot is awesome, Les.

- [Les] Isn't it?

- [Toby] So good.

- You know why?

I got the laser eye.

- Yeah, you do. - I do.

It's a blessing.

It's also a curse, you know,

because sometimes, sometimes I see too much.

- Yeah.

Oh cool.

- Hey, hey, don't touch anything.

You're here to learn, okay?

- Yeah, I was just wondering--

- All right, well, I'm showing you, okay?

Take it easy.

All right, now we send it

to my friend Betsy at Looking Glass.

Right, send, there it does.

- All right, well, what do we do now?

- Now we sit and wait for the offers to come in.

- Okay.

But for you,

go get me coffee.

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

(people chattering)

- Well, it's impossible now

because we're in the middle of a meeting.

All right, housecleaning--

- I have one hour, finish, Byron.

- Okay, that's it for Today Show, nothing else about that.

Vanity Fair's now confirmed for the 19th, definite.

- Great.

- Music awards.

- Music, do you wanna present?

- No.

Premiere a video.

No performance, just the video.

- Oh my god, wait, do you have a new song?

- No, but I'm working on it.

Okay, income.

- Well, increases all the way down the line, as you can see.

- I wanna do a fragrance.

- Oh my God, yes.

I love this.

That is something I can really run with, K'Harma.

- You gotta do something like something spicy and--

- Oh, could be anything, K'Harma spice, K'Harma mist--

- K'Harmania.

K'Harmalicious. - That would be great.

- [Gabi] K'Harmageddon, K'Harmajesty.

- Those are definitely interesting ideas.

- Oh, oh, no, wait, I have one more thing

that I have to mention.

I got an email from your parents.

- My parents?

- Yeah, actually, their attorney.

I'm just gonna read you the gist of it.

Blah, blah, blah,

congratulations on your upcoming birthday, yay.

However, despite your painful decision to separate from us,

you are still our daughter and we feel

we have a moral and legal right to compensation

for the expense we incurred in raising you.

(somber music)

- Expense?

How much do they want?

- Seven million.

(scoffs)

- Come on, I think the Star just offered me six.

Well give me nine and it's yours.

Well I gotta have at least eight.

all right, seven.

Well look, if you screw me on this, I'm gonna come

over there with a machete.

(laughs) Take it easy, I'm just kiddin'.

Just send the check.

Seven hundred dollars placed, yes!

(laughing)

All right, hey, you know what?

You did good today.

- Thanks Les.

- You know what I'm thinking?

I'm gonna take your head shots, free of charge.

- Really?

- Yeah.

And I'll tell you what, I know some casting directors,

I'll send it to them, maybe get you some extra work.

- Les man, you're awesome.

- All right, take it easy.

I thought you said you weren't gay.

- Thank you.

- You hungry?

- I'm starving.

- All right, here's the plan, we sack out for a few hours,

right, the we go to this benefit uptown.

Small potatoes for me, but we'll score free chow.

- Sounds like a plan.

- All right well, get in that private room, Private,

and catch some z's.

- Yes sir.

(cheerful music)

(applause)

- Hey y'all, what's up?

I don't have to introduce myself, 'cause everybody

knows me, I'm Derrick McFletcher, I play Kyle McKendrick

on Hearts Aflame.

I'm speaking to you tonight not only as

a daytime soap star, but as an STD survivor.

Dudes, chicks out there, listen up.

'Cause the first time I got gonorrhea, I thought

I was gonna die.

Second time I got it.

- Hey don't be stingy on that beefsteak there, partner.

We got a growing boy, here.

- Yeah.

- Gentleman, gentlemen, nice jackets.

Royce Ralston, Hearts Aflame.

- All right. - Yeah.

- I trust you two are among the sexually enlightened.

- Oh yeah, rule number one: never let a hooker slip

you the tongue, right Tob?

(laughing)

Ah, you know what I'm talking about.

- Yes I do, probably a couple of hookers

here, you know.

- Here comes one now.

Hey, Muffy how are you?

The sexiest publicist in New York City!

- Now you behave with class. - Yes she is.

- All right, get in there for me.

Up you go!

- Oh! (laughs)

- That's good, oh, I gotta run, you take it again.

- What do we got?

- You're lucky you got the place to yourself.

That's the benefit chairman, and those two are

genital epidemiologists from Atlanta, very VIP,

okay, go to town.

- All right, listen Muffy.

This is what I'm gonna do, I'm just gonna walk

around, I'll get a few shots, you can have them.

- Oh, no, no, no, impossible.

- Oh, oui, oui, oui.

I'm breaking in my new assistant here, we're chowin'

down, so you take the shots, you place them

anywhere you want.

- Ah, you're the best best baby.

- Okay.

- Mwah!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You don't see me standing here, huh?

Prick.

- See that guy over there?

- Oh my god.

- Hello, we got a quail at two o'clock.

- No, I'm full, Les.

I can't eat another bite.

- Chicks, you bonehead.

Just keep smilin' gonna go over there, we're celebrating,

maybe we see them, maybe we don't.

- Les, right?

Is it Les?

- It's more. - It's not Les, it's more.

- Less is more!

(laughing)

- No, no, listen, listen, you've seen my show.

- You're the guy on Farts Aflame, right?

(laughing)

- [Royce] Tell me, tell me you've seen my show.

- So you're a soap star, right?

- Hell no, I'm a casting director.

I cast this entire thing, I cast Hearts Aflame.

- You're a casting director, wow.

I thought you were an actress.

- Why did you think I was an actress?

- You're really beautiful, you know.

- Oh god, you're an actor.

You're an actor, right?

- Yeah, yea I'm an actor.

- What have you been in?

- I've been in like a few things, you know.

- He didn't say dame, he didn't say dame.

Royce, did you say Dane or dame?

- You got a real chin, or do you?

- Yup, it's a real fuckin' chin. (laughs)

- Yeah?

- Yup.

- You're cute when you smile.

- So are you.

- Yeah, I'm gonna give you my card,

and you can call me.

- Yeah, I'm gonna call you.

- Yeah?

- Yup.

Thanks.

- Maybe I could get you into something.

- Well you know what, I'm--

- Okay, we gotta go, all right?

Adios ladies, Royce, auf wiedersehen.

- Hey Les, come on, have a drink, we should sit.

- Hey, we're working, right?

Come on, let's go, come on.

- Okay, sorry, I'll just--

- Yup, nice to meet you.

- Dude, what's going on?

I was having a good time.

- Come on, they were too old for us, man.

Can't handle that, it's too depressing.

Did you see how drunk they were?

- Jesus, yeah, but I was just--

- Besides, we are losing our focus, okay?

- That's what we came for.

All right?

Get two.

Hey, how you doing, man?

- Good.

How'd it go?

- Oh, it was lots of fun.

Listen, our dates are I the car.

- The gift bags are limited to one per guest, sir.

- Yeah, I just told you, our dates are in the car,

did you hear what I said?

- Sir, you have three bags--

- I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go to the car.

- All right.

- Fine, I'll take two, okay?

I thought this was a benefit, man.

You guys should get your stories straight.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Oh my God, look at this great stuff, man.

T-shirts, key chains--

- [Toby] They give you this free?

- Sunglasses.

Hey, do you mind if I take yours?

Are you gonna use these?

- No, yeah, you could keep them.

- I'm gonna put these t-shirts away.

- Yeah, give 'em to your friends.

- Yeah, right.

- What, you don't have any friends?

- I got friends.

I got fuckin' Ricco calling me every 10 minutes,

wasting my time on some bullshit.

- That's a friend, right?

- But you know what I learned about friends, all right?

- [Toby] What?

- Friends are somebody who's just sittin' around,

waitin' for a chance to start talking about himself.

- I had some friends back in Philly.

- There's a shithole for you.

- (scoffs) It is kind of a shithole.

I had some good friends back in the--

- Me, I'm more of a listener, okay?

- [Toby] Yeah.

- Hey, you know who's a great guy?

- [Toby] Who?

- De Niro.

- Yeah.

Do you know him?

- He came up to me once, and he shook my hand.

He said, "How you doing?"

- He shook your hand?

- Yeah, you know, and the funniest thing is, when I was

talking to him, I felt like, you know, a lot in common.

You know, like I could hang out with him.

- You should call him, man.

- Yeah, I can give him a call, you know.

Call him, say, "Hey Bob, you wanna go get a beer?"

See what I'm saying?

I build a relationship with him, you know, and me him

get going good, and then I bring you along.

- You'd bring me along?

- Hell yes, why not?

- I don't know, it's De Niro.

- Hey, you gotta relax, okay?

They're just people, all right, no different

from you and me.

Equal--

- Yeah.

- You're equal, I'm equal, the Beef is equal, De Niro.

All right, it's all how you think about yourself, all right?

You, you gotta start thinking big.

- Shot heard around the world.

- Bet your ass. (laughs)

- Hey yo, Beef!

(crash) (laughing)

- Take your pic!

(funky music)

- Galantine Photo, can I help you?

- [Les] Who is it?

- It's Goldie Hawn.

- [Les] Who?

- [Toby] It's Goldie Hawn.

- [Les] Goldie Hawn?

- Yeah, she's in her underwear, she want to talk to you.

♫ Aw yeah

- What? (laughs)

- She wants to sit on your face.

(laughing)

- [Toby] That's fuckin' crazy, Les.

- Hey, who wants more coffee?

You want some more coffee?

Cheeks, can we get some more coffee over here please?

- Yes, okay.

- My treat.

- So where'd you get the tip?

- C'mon, Tish, you know I can't reveal my sources.

Look at that, full quarter-page.

It could have been bigger.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

Take it easy.

- Shit.

- Oh, Cheeks, take it easy, all right?

- [Cheeks] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Can you watch the papers, please?

- Wait you paying this guy?

- Of course I'm payin' him.

(coughing)

- Wait, are you two living together?

- Eh, nah, it's more like a socio-professional

type thing, you know.

- Oh, well I'll come over, then.

We could play some cards, hang out.

- We don't have any cards.

- I got like five decks of cards, I can bring

'em all over.

(ringing)

We can play rummy, that's a great game.

- Galantine Photo, can I help you?

Let me see if he's available.

It's Trudy Weiss?

- [Tish] Trudy Weiss, yeah, I know Trudy.

- Yeah?

- Hey Trudy.

How are you?

Oh yeah did you see the photo?

Yeah no, I'm quite pleased.

Listen, hold on, about the event on the 15, yeah,

well can it be all access?

All right, well see what you can do.

And just get back to us, okay?

All right, thanks Trud, bye.

Where were we?

Oh yeah, the photo (laughs).

Look at that, he was looking right at me.

The Beef! (laughs)

- You know, Les, you didn't have to call it an "event",

I mean we're all going to the music awards, man.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know that anybody was listening

to my phone call.

- Oh, Les, hey, I forgot to tell you, Feldman placed

two from the twilight party.

- [Tish] Wow, two?

- So, what are you telling me for?

- Oh no, I just thought you'd wanna, you know,

I'm just saying.

Newsweek and US.

- [Tish] You're kidding.

- [Ricco] I'm not kidding.

- [Tish] Ha, that's awesome.

- Good to see you guys.

(upbeat music)

Gotta go.

- See what I mean about Ricco?

- [Toby] What?

- Always blabbing about himself?

I'd never play cards with him.

Fuck him, fuck Feldman.

(screeching)

You got the papers?

- Yeah, I got 'em.

So, do they know that I'm coming?

- Yes, I told them all about you.

Come on, this is gonna be fun.

- All right.

- Mrs. Gary!

- [Mrs. Gary] Huh?

- Looking good.

- Hi.

- [Mrs. Gary] Oh, oh, hi.

- Sounds great.

(knocking)

- Ma, we're here!

Hope you're hungry, 'cause my mom's a great cook.

(splat)

- Wow Mrs. Galantine, this looks, this looks great.

- Did you step in something?

- What?

- Check your shoes, both of you.

- They're clean, Ma.

- Well I smell shit.

- Really.

- Mhmm.

- Yeah, me too.

- [Lois] Oh, that's funny.

- Where's Dad?

- In the front room, take these in.

And wash your hands first.

- I just did--

- Well wash 'em again.

Him too, he carried in those papers.

What did you bring 'em in the house for?

- Oh, those?

Well, I got a little surprise for you, Ma.

- Ah, that paper is filthy.

Now take that in.

(booming)

- [TV Announcer] Stocks of the Reborn 51st Highlanders,

shattered in Euro--

- Good to see you, Dad.

How you doing, everything okay?

- Oh yeah, all good.

You?

- Yeah, good.

See all these guns?

My dad collects 'em and he restores 'em.

- So cool.

- I gotta show you something, this one's my favorite.

Press this, right?

Shoots out a bullet.

- Awesome.

- Hey, you want a cigarette, pew.

That's great, Dad.

Who made this again, Germans?

- The Russians.

Yeah, Chinese made one out of a feminine napkin.

- I don't wanna hear about it.

Where's that camera I gave you?

- I still got it, what are you kidding me?

That's a collector's item, right?

- Your friend there needs a patch on his pants.

- Come on, Dad.

He's just starting out.

You know he's, Toby's my assistant.

Things are pickin' up for me now, so I hired

some extra help.

I got a picture placed in the paper.

Oh, right here.

Show you.

- Well who is that?

- Come on, Dad.

What are you going, blind?

That's your man, Chuck Sirloin.

- [Carl] That's The Beef?

- Yeah, The Beef.

Look at that, full quarter-page.

- Well what's that sticking out of his pants?

- [Les] Well, he had a little operation on this thing.

- I don't wanna hear about it.

- It's no big deal, Ma.

It was a little procedure, and I--

- Well what did you take his picture for?

Poor guy, Jesus, that's The Beef!

- Oh, please.

- It's totally legal, Dad.

I mean, he was on a public sidewalk.

And yeah, it's The Beef, that's how you get a picture

in the paper, you know, somebody famous.

- Yeah, it's disgusting, you never see that kind

of crap on a real newspaper.

Jesus.

- Well a lot of people do read this paper, okay.

It's very popular and I'm a licensed professional,

and this is photojournalism, it's a candid shot.

And I got paid a lot of money for it.

- How much?

- You wanna know how much?

- I got 700 bucks.

(scoffs)

- He's a millionaire.

- Well I got his picture in the paper, didn't I?

- Well get it out of here, I don't want the

fuckin' thing in the house!

- Come on, Dad.

I was gonna frame it for ya.

- Frame it?

Goddamnit, I'll frame this crap, Jesus Christ.

- Come on.

- [Carl] I told ya once, I told ya twice!

Trash!

I'll tell you where we're gonna frame it,

right straight in the garbage.

- Carl, Carl!

Wash your hands.

(clang)

I told you not to bring that stuff in this house.

- Thanks for your help, Ma.

Why don't you get a real job, for a change?

- This is my job, okay?

That's what I do.

- That's some job, you're making a lot of money.

Is this kid gay?

- What do you care?

- [Carl] Don't talk to your mother like that.

You hear me?

- All right.

- Take it easy, Carl.

Just take it easy.

- What do you mean, take it easy?

- Take it easy, take it easy.

- I'm not gay.

- You're not gay?

- Who's gay?

- I asked if he was gay?

- I'll tell ya who's gay, you know who's gay?

Chuck Sirloin.

- Oh, that'll be the day. (laughs)

- You're gonna talk about The Beef again, are you?

You know where you'll find it, won't you?

Out in the garbage can.

- All right, just leave it alone!

(explosion)

- The food was good.

(dreamy music)

♫ I'm still searching for my true love

♫ Boy who won't fade away

♫ I'm still searching for my true love

♫ So I won't have to say

Looking, yeah, that's better.

I'm still looking for my true love.

Okay.

(electro music)

- Hello, hey baby, it's happening.

- Goddamnit.

Can you not see that I'm working right now?

I mean do you have any respect for the creative process?

- Yes, no, we just came in to tell you that.

- I am so sorry, but you know what, this just came up.

- Vanity Fair needs 2 more hours tomorrow.

- [Gabi] Just two little hours.

- Okay, fine.

Fine, then I just, you know, won't finish the song.

Cancel the music awards, I'm not going,

'cause I don't have a--

- Oh my God, please, please don't say that.

Please don't say that.

- You know, I was gonna get a pedicure tomorrow.

I know, I know, I know, I am so sorry, and there are

gonna be serious, serious changes made around here.

- You can make the shoot as late as you want tomorrow,

two o'clock.

(ringing)

- At five.

- Yay, okay, thank you.

Thank you so much.

- [Byron] Thank you, it's gonna be worth it.

- (Cries) I'm sorry you guys, I'm just, I didn't

mean to bug out on you--

- Oh, sweetheart, look, you've got

so much going on.

I, we, so don't even know how you do it.

- I know, I know, I know.

I love you, I love you two.

- [Gabi] Oh, we love you too.

- I need you guys.

(dreamy music)

- You hittin' the sack?

- What does it look like?

(slam)

- Think I'm gonna take a walk.

- [Les] Go ahead.

- Unless you wanna do something?

Les?

Hey, why don't we call De Niro?

- Are you out of your fuckin' mind?

- Sorry, I thought you had his number.

- I got his number, what am I gonna say to him?

"Hey Bob, let's get together, me you, and some homeless

fag I got living with me."

- Look Les, I told you I'm not gay.

I don't know why you're--

- Well there's something wrong with you, okay?

- What are you doing right now?

- What?

I'm just telling it like it is.

- You want me to leave?

Is that, look, 'cause I'll just leave, all right?

I'm used to it.

- You are the one that's talking about leaving!

- I just said I wanted to go for a walk!

- Then go for a fuckin' walk, then!

Jesus Christ, like I'm some fuckin' peon all of a sudden?

You've been dying to leave, anyway.

You think I can't tell?

Go, go for your fuckin' walk, go, go.

- Les, man.

- Man, you must really miss living in a box.

- Look, you're just pissed at your dad, and you're

just taking it out on me, Les.

- Whoa, watch out Oprah.

Here comes Doctor Homeless.

- Hey, I know about some things, okay.

I went through some pretty crazy shit

with my fucking parents.

My mother cut me, man.

She came at me with a steak knife, how do you think

I go this?

I went fucking crazy.

- Jesus, I knew it, you killed her.

- Les, Jesus, I didn't fucking kill my mother, all right?

I love my mother.

I just can't be around her, she can't be around me.

I kept looking for something that I'm not gonna get,

she can't give me.

You're not gonna get it, Les.

It's a dead end street.

And you sit around waiting for someone else to tell

you you're okay.

I mean, you're okay.

You don't need it, Les.

(somber music)

You took a really good picture, Les.

No matter what your old man says.

- He threw it in the garbage.

- Yeah, but so what?

You got things going on, right?

I mean, we gotta bring your book around.

We're gonna go to what did you say, Nike?

Calvin Klein?

- Never said Calvin Klein.

- Think big, get big.

Right?

- I'm sorry, Toby.

I didn't mean to go off on you.

- Whatever.

Rule number one, friends is friends.

- That's good, man.

- [Toby] You like that one?

- Yeah.

It's a good one.

You're learning.

Why don't you go take your walk?

Go ahead.

- No, I think I'll just watch some TV, go to sleep.

- Hey, I know what we can do.

- [Toby] What?

- [Les] Head shots.

- Okay.

(upbeat rock music)

- Ready?

♫ Reach in and grab your dreams.

- Happy, right?

♫ Now, now, cut it up and slip it back

- Hit me.

- All right, all right.

- Good, again.

Again, on more time.

- [Toby] Wait, I can't smile when I do it.

- There you go, there you go.

Put this on.

- [Toby] That's your jacket, man.

- Hey.

- Right there, beautiful.

- [Toby] Ah, you just poked me. (laughing)

♫ Walking and talking backwards

♫ Hey now now, we're goin' down down

♫ and we ride the bus there and pay the bus fare

♫ or we find a new reason, a new way of living

♫ and we breathe it in and try to dream again

- [Les] Amazing.

Oh there it is, right there, see?

(crowd cheering) (crowd applause)

- Oh.

- Hey, take it easy, all access, all access, him too.

Show the thing, turn it around.

See that, all right, thank you.

- [Toby] Thank you.

- Hey, how's it going, buddy?

- Jesus Christ, there's nothing but B-list in here.

All right, I gotta go find Trudy, all right?

- Okay.

- Stay right here.

- All right.

- Keep and eye out for those goody bags.

- Goody bags.

- Hey man, I know I heard your name being mentioned

up in the back and--

- Sexy as shit.

That's what she's up for.

She's lookin' right, Ill tell you.

♫ It's so tempting when I feel so empty

♫ And I'm sitting here all alone

♫ But I will fight it till

♫ I can't find a sweet sweet love my own

♫ You can take your love and shove it

♫ You can take it where the sun don't shine

♫ You an take your love and shove it

♫ You better listen boy 'cause I ain't lying

♫ I ain't lying, I ain't lying

♫ Anymore, you see I'm still looking for my true love

♫ Boy who won't fade away

♫ I'm still looking for my true love so I won't have

♫ To say you can take your love and shove it

(crowd talking)

- [Woman] Out of my way, excuse you, fucko.

Thank you.

- Excuse me.

- [Byron] Get out of my way.

- [Woman] Who are you wearing, just a quote.

- Demo from MTV, how you doing, girl?

Wait, wait, hold up, hold up, you are looking hot.

- (laughs) Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Sorry, you gotta tell me some stuff here,

you got a lot going on these days, right?

- You got the world premier video, your parents

are suing you, I heard?

- I am super, super busy.

- Plus Mystique and Jace are hittin' it up pretty hard,

is this like a mega bummer for you?

- I am really really happy for him.

You know, I'm just, I'm trying to stay strong,

and I thank God for my music, you know, which will

always be my first love.

- All right, all right, and who's the little stud muffin

you got here next to you?

- Oh, this is...

- [Demo] What's up, dude.

- I'm Toby.

- [Demo] Toby, all right.

- Yeah, he's, he's my hookup tonight.

(laughing)

Isn't he hot?

- Oh, he's straight up slammin', dude.

- Okay, peace up, y'all.

(crowd reacting)

- Toby!

What the fuck?

'Scuse me.

- Hold.

- I'm all access.

- No you're not.

That's the yellow card, you need a green card to

get in here.

- [Man] Hey Jace, come on in.

- [Jace] Oh yeah, thanks, 'scuse me.

Come on.

- Where do you get a green card?

- Try city hall.

(laughing)

(peaceful music)

(cheering) (applause)

- Right now, we're going out the back way,

we're going into the limo.

(beeping)

- She'll change at the club.

- [Byron] She's with other people, she's with Dougie,

and Gazelle, and I think that's gonna be it.

There's nobody else.

- Come on, stud muffin.

- [Byron] Of course she's gonna be there, I'm gonna

see you there.

- Oh you're a stud, huh?

Come on, get your ass in here.

(upbeat electro pop music)

♫ Step out of the night and into the light

♫ Into the light of the love baby

♫ This is the dance that give us a chance

♫ To light up the night with our love baby

♫ Out of the night, into the light

♫ Out of the night, into the light

♫ Out of the night into the light

♫ Into the night of our love

- [K'Harma] I can't believe you fixed the jacuzzi.

- It's just a loose wire in the pump.

- Stupid hotel.

Told 'em to fix it like a month ago.

- How come you live in a hotel?

- Taxes, I write it off.

- Plus I, I never have to make the bed.

- Wish I had a camera.

- Don't I hate it when people take my picture.

- Sorry.

- No, it's okay.

You probably wouldn't understand, being homeless.

The worst are the paparazzi, though.

They just don't leave you alone, you know.

Even when you're going through something really painful.

He broke my heart.

- What like that guy, Jace guy?

- Mhmm, he said that my eyes were too far apart.

- What?

That's, people are different, that's why

people are beautiful.

- Do you think that I'm beautiful?

- Are you kidding me?

- I think that you're the most beautiful girl

that I have ever seen.

(peaceful music)

Then all of a sudden, I'm in the jacuzzi with her.

And I fixed her jacuzzi, 'cause it was broken,

it was like broken for weeks, in this nice hotel,

and we just kinda hung out there.

We were in our underwear, we didn't have sex

or anything, we really like, I don't know.

I really connected, like we really connected.

- Oh, you connected in your underwear?

- Well, I mean--

- I am so totally fuckin' thrilled for you, Toby.

- Oh hey, you know what?

Look what I got you.

I got you a present.

Look.

- What is that?

- They're olives.

- I figured we could put 'em in the trunk,

with the martini glasses, you know?

You just take a toothpick, you put an olive in,

you put in the martini glass, and all of a sudden--

- You got toothpicks.

- Like a, like a ritzy you know, guest.

- Like a what?

- Like a guest, you know--

- Like a guest, a fuckin' ritzy guest, that's what

I look like?

Toothpicks?

You sneak backstage without me?

You hang out with sexy chicks and superstars all

night, and you come home with toothpicks?

Are you retarded?

- No.

- No, you're just an ungrateful bastard.

- I'm grateful.

- Man come on, I gave you a job, I gave you a place

to sleep,.

- Les, man, I'm grateful.

- You know what, you know what hurts the most?

What did I say about De Niro?

- You said--

- I said I would take you with me, didn't I say that?

I would take you with me!

- Yeah.

- And what do you do?

The first chance you get, you fuckin' leave me!

Like I'm a peon!

- Les, I'm sorry.

- The fuck?

No, no--

- I'm fuckin' sorry.

- Fuck your sorry!

No, you can't apologize for this, man.

- Look, man.

I got caught up in the moment--

- You got caught up, that's bullshit man!

That's bullshit!

- Les, man.

- Forget it, just get out.

Go, get out, it's over.

- Come on, don't do that.

Look, how can I make it up to you?

Whatever you want, whatever you need, man.

Just tell me, I'll do it.

I wanna make it up to you.

- What hotel is she in?

- What?

- What hotel is she staying at?

- I don't know, she's staying at some hotel uptown.

I don't remember.

- You just spent the night with this chick that

you're puppy shit in love with, and you don't

know the hotel she's at?

- I don't remember.

I guess I am fucking retarded, I don't remember.

- Wow.

(ringing)

- Galantine photo, could I help you?

Let me see, what, who's calling?

Ah, hold on.

You're lucky it's her.

- Les.

- Get that!

- Jesus, screw this.

Hello?

- Hey Homeless.

What'd you do, run out on me?

- Hey no, you fell asleep on me.

How you feeling?

- Ugh, I don't know yet.

I got your note, it was very sweet.

- Thanks.

I has such a good time.

- (laughs) Me too.

So what are you doing tonight?

- Tonight?

I don't know, I mean.

(snapping)

- Well, it's my birthday and I'm having a little party.

I thought maybe, you know, you'd like to come by.

- Wow, that'd be great.

- Okay, great.

- Do you think maybe I could, do you think maybe I

could take someone with me?

- Like a date?

- No, I mean, not like a date, just a friend, you know?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

All right, well I'm gonna go back to bed, so I'll

see you later.

- Okay, goodbye.

(claps)

- Yes, good job.

What?

- Nothing.

- Oh, okay, I won't go.

I just thought I heard somebody say they

wanted to make up something to somebody, that's all.

- Les, man.

- [Les] Forget it.

- [Toby] Les.

- I'm not going, have a good time.

Have a good time. (slam)

- You should seek the back, this way.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I don't know about this jacket.

- Why not?

No, it looks good on you.

This was my dad's jacket.

- Really?

- Yeah, don't worry.

What's the matter, you nervous?

You seem a little bit nervous.

- A little bit.

- How's my hair look?

- Looks good.

- Yeah?

You didn't even look.

- Yeah, I'm looking.

It looks good.

- Whoa, whoa, Les.

I don't think we should take any pictures.

- Why not?

- I'm just saying, I--

- What, are you the professional, now?

I'm just gonna take a few shots.

- No, I'm just saying, it's her birthday party, man.

Please don't take any pictures, Les--

- All right, all right, you know what?

You're right, you're absolutely right, I'm sorry.

It's not even gonna leave my pocket.

- You're not gonna?

- I promise you, I will not take her picture, all right?

- Okay.

- Don't worry, don't worry.

(hip hop music)

Where are the bags?

- [Waitress] Hi, good evening.

Some champagne for you?

- Hey, Homeless.

Hey.

- Hey, you look beautiful.

- Thank you.

- This is Les.

This is my friend Les.

- Hello Les, thanks for coming.

- Hap, happy birthday.

- Thank you.

Come on in, meet some people.

- This is Elvis.

- Hey.

- We're working on a musical together.

- Wow, what musical?

- It's about the life of Britney Spears.

- Britney Spears.

- I'm thinkin' Tennessee Williams, only not so gay.

- [Man] Yeah.

- Imagine, Streetcar, with K'Harma in the Brando role.

- Brando.

- On ice.

- Wanna go open presents?

- Okay.

- [K'Harma] I'll be right back, Elvis.

- Sounds great to me.

This is Les, by the way.

- Pleased to meet you.

- Just wanna say, I'm a really big fan.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got a strong shake there, Les.

Yeah, yeah, you're a musician, right, yeah?

I've seen you play, where have I seen you play?

- I'm a...

- What?

- Les, what's going on?

You all right?

I don't know, I don't know Toby.

I just.

- What's up, what's up?

What?

- I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out.

- Why?

- I can't, I can't, I can't talk.

- You're okay, you're fine.

- I sound like a fuckin' idiot.

I'm, I'm, I'm.

- Les, you didn't, man.

Calm down, just calm--

- That's Elvis Costello, all right.

That's Elvis Costello out there.

- So what, he's just a guy, like you said, remember?

Equal.

- A guy, right, right.

- We're equal.

Les, equal.

- That's right, we're all equal.

- Equal.

- All right.

- Let's go back in there.

- All right, you ready?

- Yeah, yeah.

- All right.

- What are you, Les, what the fuck are you doing?

- What?

- You just washed your hands.

Calm down.

- I have soap on my hands, just.

Let me finish what I'm doing, you go out,

and I'll be right there, all right?

- All right, I'm gonna be out there.

- Just go, just, just, just, give me a minute, all right.

Hey, man.

Yeah, on Forces, Get Happy, This Year's Model,

I mean, that was genius.

I got a picture of you too, that I took.

Fuck.

(upbeat modern music)

- Hey.

- Hey.

- What are you doing?

- I was lookin' for you.

- Really?

Well I was looking for you.

- Well I guess we found each other.

- You could have stayed last night.

- I wanted to, believe me.

- Stay tonight.

I promise I won't pass out on you.

- Just stop takin' my fuckin' picture!

(beeping)

Listen, bums, what is it you don't understand?

Stop takin' my fuckin' picture!

- [Toby] Les!

- [Elvis] Behave yourself.

- [Gabi] Oh, uh oh.

Okay, no, no taking pictures here.

- What are you doing?

- Just taking a few shots.

- Are you a paparazzi?

- He's taking my picture.

- No, I'm a licensed professional.

- He's just messing around, it's like a--

- He's my assistant.

- It's a joke.

- You brought a paparazzi to my party?

- Oh, I'm calling security.

- Elvis, man.

- Fuckin camera!

- [Les] Don't touch me, man.

You break my camera, I'll sue your ass.

- [K'Harma] Go, just leave!

God, you stupid shithead!

- K'Harma, I'm sorry!

- [Elvis] Fuck off.

- Cheeks, muy bonita, excellent.

- Thank you, Mr. Les.

- Why don't you let him make you a batch, man?

These are excellent.

- I asked you not to take any pictures.

- I know, and I'm sorry, okay?

I got a little excited.

Cheeks, why don't you make the kid a batch okay?--

I don't want any, Cheeks, don't make me any.

You said that you wouldn't take any pictures.

I asked you, and you said, "All right, I'm not gonna,"--

You want the pictures, here.

There's the pictures.

All right?

You happy?

- What's going on?

- Elvis freakin' Costello, K'Harma Leeds, down the drain.

You know how much money that is?

Do you know how much money I could have got for that?

- I didn't tell you to do that.

- Well, I did it, okay?

- Well, I didn't fuckin' tell you to do that.

You you did that on your own.

- Well now do you see how serious I am?

Let me tell you something, all right?

- I mean, Jesus, Les.

Man.

- Look, I'm trying to tell you something as a friend, okay?

- That chick is not for you.

- Why?

- Because every time she looks at you, you know what

she sees?

A good-looking nobody, with his nose pressed

up against the glass.

I know that hurts, okay?

And I'm sorry.

Rule number one, man, know where you belong.

And I'm not saying they're any better than us,

'cause they're not.

Just, I am through, following these people around.

I'm sick of it.

I mean, she threw us out of that party like

we were peons.

- Is was her birthday party, it was a personal thing.

She trusted me, man.

- Just listen to me?

Tomorrow, I'm gonna take my book, okay?

And I'm gonna hit all the agencies.

You're coming with me.

All right?

We're partners now, me and you.

From now on, we're going where the lights are green.

Oh, you know what else we can do?

I'll get your head shots printed up, all right?

And I'll call De Niro, I'll slip him a headshot.

Don't worry.

We're gonna have a lot of fun.

(somber music)

You don't need to have a shit.

It's just me and you now.

It's gonna be great.

Well, what hurts?

- My stomach.

- Well what hurts about it?

It just hurts.

- Well what kind of hurt?

- Les, I don't know, I don't feel good, all right?

Jesus.

- Okay, I just, I thought you might wanna come

with me today, to see how the whole agency game is played.

- I do, I just, I can't.

- All right, I'll bring you back some soup.

I'm gonna be gone a couple of hours, so if you wanna

watch TV, that's okay.

Just don't mess around with the computer, okay?

- [Toby] I won't.

- Okay.

Hope you feel better.

(slam)

(sleuthing tune)

(slam) - Fuck!

All right, Les.

He has less.

Well, photo.

Fuck. (thud)

- Sick my ass.

(suspenseful music)

Don't you touch that computer.

(crash)

What the fuck?

Toby?

(upbeat instrumental rock music)

- Blaine?

(ominous music)

Blaine, I'm scared.

- Don't worry, Robbyn.

You're super safe with me.

Nobody's gonna mess--

(groan) (scream)

(suspenseful music)

- Please don't.

I can help you.

I know you've killed 10 people, but I know you

don't wanna be a serial killer.

Let help you.

I wanna be your friend.

- Friend?

What's a friend, but someone sittin' around,

waitin' for a chance to talk about themselves?

- Is that the line?

- Cut!

(bell ringing)

No it isn't Robbyn, but come on.

There's gonna be change, you gotta go with it, all right?

I mean where did you go to school, NYU?

What kind of shit is this?

Stay in character, don't break the fourth wall.

- Okay.

- Toby, excellent, I like what you're doing.

Keep it up, keep it up.

- Thanks.

You all right?

- Yeah.

- Aw, crap, we gotta reset the whole

knife gag we're playing.

Come on, get in here, change it.

Quick, again, let's go, let's go!

I swear to God.

Cold coffee one more fuckin' time,

- Sorry.

- And you're out of here.

- I told you.

- You were right.

- He's incredible, right?

- Where does this kid come up with this stuff, he's awesome.

- He's the real thing.

I mean come on, look at that face.

That's the closeup, you need to go tight

like that, right?

That's the closeup you need.

There you got a show.

(funky jingle)

Hey, I'm Toby, I play "Toby".

Well, I mean, I used to be homeless, so I think that's

why they picked me for this job.

So I know, I know Toby pretty well.

Well, I had some experiences with violence, but right

now I'm just trying to go where the lights

are green, you know?

- It's a reality series show, about a serial killer.

He's also a homeless kid.

Make a hip cast, there's all the people in it,

or who they are.

Like life, like O.J..

Did that really happen, or was it another reality show?

Think about that.

(upbeat funky jingle)

- The challenge of the casting was finding people

who are what they are, but who also have

that star quality.

Our lead, forget about it.

He really has it.

He has such a bright, bright, bright future.

(upbeat funky jingle)

- Hey, I'm Toby, I play "Toby".

Well, I mean I used to be homeless, so I think

that's why they picked me for the job.

Right now I'm just trying to go where the lights

are green, you know?

- Christ, now he's stealing my lines!

I should sue him for plagiarism.

At least get a writing credit.

(solemn music)

(screaming)

- [Dana] I'm his manager, you can tell me.

Mhmm, what's the offer?

Huh.

Well he's tied to Slice for another three months.

Wait, wait, can you hold on for a second?

Hello?

No, no, no, Premier does not get the profile,

unless he has a full page.

Okay, you got that?

Call me back.

All right, and, (groans) hold on for a second.

Hello?

No, that's T-O-B-Y, no "E".

Yes, he's 20 years old, the scar is real,

he got it in Central Park, fighting off a pack of wild dogs,

okay, thank you.

Randoline, yes, no listen baby.

The offer is fine, all right, it's fine.

The only problem I'm having is the female lead.

No, I'm sure she's completely delightful, but her star

is nowhere near Toby's orbit.

Mhmm, yeah, well tell Ridley we appreciate the offer,

we'll consider it, and that's plus 10%.

Thanks baby, bye.

Cheers.

Did you have a nice shower?

- Yeah, your hot water is amazing.

- [Dana] Yeah?

- Yeah.

It really is.

- Ooh, look at you, your skin, it's all tingly.

- And I fixed your shower head.

- Did you?

- Mhmm.

Uh oh.

You know, I told you, you can't keep walking around

my apartment without any clothes on.

There are windows.

(jazz music)

I knew you would clean up good.

Look how beautiful you are.

(upbeat feminine music)

- [Byron] What's so great is that K'Harma designed this

scent, all by herself.

- [Gabi] She came up with the whole thing by herself.

- She went to the lab, she picked out all the

different smells to put together--

- She came up with the bottle, thanks to you guys,

the color--

- And the name.

- Instant K'Harma, which is like so great,

sui generis, it's Instant K'Harma.

- It invokes desire, and sex--

- And sexiness, and--

- 'Scuse me.

- [Gabi] She'll be right back, I know she wants to

talk to you about cosmetics--

- What are you doing here?

- (Inhales loudly) I came to smell you.

- So where's Mystique?

- I love the single, it's hot.

- I know, I know it's hot.

It's not about you, you know.

- I know.

I don't think about you anymore, either.

You look beautiful, baby, really beautiful.

I do miss you, babe.

- Really?

- Every day, every night.

Especially at night.

How about you?

You miss me?

- No.

- Not even just a, just a tiny little bit?

- No.

- I know you do, baby.

Baby.

(flash)

- Oh yeah?

You fucking asshole, shut the fuck up.

Shh, Toby.

Will you just take this guy, he won't even shut up.

He's been calling for a week.

- No, I don't wanna take it.

- You have to take this call, man.

I'm gonna freak out.

Most annoying human being I've ever.

- Yeah.

- Hey, hey, how you doing?

Is that really you?

Oh my god.

- What do you want?

- I'm just calling to say hi, man.

You know, I mean I saw you on TV, wow, you were great.

- What the fuck do you want, Les?

You're fucking harassing everybody.

- Okay, look, I just I just think maybe we should

get together, you know.

Try to work this out, man.

Because it's like you said, man.

Rule number one, friends is friends, right?

- No, no, no, no, rule number one, rule number one,

you lied to me, Les.

Rule number two, you're a fucking paparazzi.

- Come on, don't say that.

- That's what you are, what, do you think you're different?

That's what you are, Les, you're a fucking paparazzi,

paparazzi.

- All right, all right, watch this.

- [Toby] You sneak around, you take pictures of people,

and then you lie about it.

You fucked the whole thing up, Les.

- You think I'm a paparazzi, okay, watch this.

I'm gonna delete the whole thing, okay?

Here I go.

(jingle)

All right?

- Okay, all right, yeah, you're deleting them.

- I did it, I swear to God.

They're gone.

- Like I'm gonna believe you, I could believe

you now, right?

'Cause right now you're telling the truth, right?

- You tell me you believe me, or I'm gonna fucking

stab myself in the throat, I got a knife to my

throat, right now!

- All right, look, Les, look, just calm down Les,

calm down, okay?

- Just tell me you believe me!

- Look, just calm down, calm down!

I believe you, I believe you, all right?

I believe you.

- Thank you.

- Look man, you fuckin' locked me in your house.

- Hey, are we gonna focus on the negative,

or can we move on to the positive, all right?

Come on, I was just calling to say how happy

I am for you.

You're doing great, man.

I started you off, isn't that crazy?

(laughs) I mean, you never would have met that

casting chick, if it wasn't for me, right?

Are you still there?

- Yup.

- Look, how about if we just get together and just

have a beer, all right?

What do you say?

Or you know, go to Cheeks and we'll have a cup

of coffee, all right?

- No. (beep)

- Tob.

(somber music)

- You're such a totally awesome guy, Toby.

- Wow, thanks.

- Ever since Blaine died, you've taught me so much

about being homeless.

It's kind of beautiful in its own way.

- Yeah, it's got its ups and downs.

- I was gonna say ins and outs.

- Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

- What, Corey?

I'm going with it like you said.

- Yeah, but come on, is this after-school porno?

Is it?

- No.

- Look, tell him how you really feel, okay?

- [Robbyn] I'm trying.

- Be real for once.

Just this one time.

Okay?

Be real.

Sorry I yelled at you, all right?

Just tell him.

All right, go.

Let go of my hand.

- [Man] Back to one, right now, let's go, back to one,

here we go.

- Okay guys, keep rolling, keep rolling.

Go.

(somber music)

- I love you, Toby.

I love you so much.

(funky jingle)

- Yeah, I was pretty surprised when Robbyn said that.

I mean, I think she's really pretty and fun,

but you know, my true feelings are for someone else.

Someone I met a while ago, who became very special to me,

and I love her.

She's a singer, I met her at the music awards.

(upbeat modern music)

♫ So sophisticated, I'm such a zero.

- Hi, baby.

What you doing, sittin' here all by yourself?

- Just thinking.

- About me?

- No, no, no.

- Why?

- You know why.

- Trust me babe.

- No.

- I'm not gonna hurt you again.

I love you.

- I know, but you know, I can't do this--

- I just, I can't stop thinking about all the

things we used to do.

(beep)

- Yeah, I was pretty surprised, when Robyn said that,

but my true feeling are for someone else.

She's a singer, I met her at the music awards.

- Remember how attached you were, babe.

- Don't.

- She was really nice to me, and I let her down.

And I know she'll probably never forgive me,

and I would like her to know that I'm sorry,

and I know that I won't love anyone as much as

I love her.

I love you, K'Harma.

I love you.

- Oh my.

- All right, can we stop now?

Please, okay.

- Toby.

(beeping)

(thud)

- [Toby] I'm sorry.

- How could you do that to me?

You know how fucking humiliating that was?

- [Toby] I didn't mean for that to--

- What do you mean, you didn't mean, neh, neh, neh, mean.

Shut the fuck up.

You're such a dick!

- I'm sorry, you've been so nice to me, and I--

- I've been so nice to you, oh, I've been so

nice to you, how nice.

- No, but I mean you've been more than nice me, obviously--

- I'm sure I have been more than nice, what exactly

do you mean, what exactly do you mean by that?

- I mean you're a really fucking special woman.

- Ooh, I'm a fucking special woman, please.

- And I'll never forget what you've done for me.

- Yeah, I bet that that's true.

- It's just not, look, it's just--

- What?

- She's just a little bit more--

- A little bit more what?

- I don't know, I mean, and you're a little bit more,

you know--

- What, what, I'm like a little bit more 35,

and she's a little bit more 18 little Barbie doll ass--

- No, that's not what I mean, you're putting

words in my mouth.

That's not what I mean.

That's not what I'm saying.

- That's not, sweetie, that is what you're saying, Toby.

Why don't you just call a spade a spade.

- Listen, I never wanted to hurt you.

- Well.

- I don't wanna hurt you.

- Uh huh, just humiliate me?

- Look, I'll pack my stuff and I'll go, okay?

I'll get out of here.

- Whatever you want.

- I want you to be happy, that's what I want right now.

So I mean, I'll pack everything up, and I'll

get out of here.

I'll find a place.

- It's fine, just stay here until you find somewhere else.

- Really?

I mean, you sure?

- Yeah, stay in the back room.

- All right, all right, I'll move my stuff

into the back room.

And we'll just be like, living together.

- Be like little roomies.

- Like friends.

- Yeah, well, let's go make up your bed.

(jazz music)

- Welcome back, this is Nicki Blake.

Well, awards season is upon us, and already, hundreds

of new films and stars are vying for those precious

statues and--

- I can't concentrate with the TV on.

- What concentrate?

Just pick up a card, you throw down, a monkey

could play this game.

- All right, hold on.

- Like the Slice bad boy, Toby Grace made

television history last night, by broadcasting

his love of reigning pop diva, K'Harma.

Sources close to the two are keeping mum,

but it was evident at this post-awards party that

sparks are beginning to fly between these two--

- Hey, that's Feldman's photo.

- Are we playing cards here, or what?

- Yeah, we're playing.

- For teenage fans outside the Slice studios in New York,

the romance meter was off the charts.

(girls screaming)

- It was the most romantic thing I've ever seen,

I love you Toby!

I don't care if you're homeless!

- As for the TV Romeo, he's keeping any further

confessions close to the heart.

- I mean, I appreciate it, but I wasn't trying to

be romantic, you know?

I was just, when you love someone, you gotta

go with the flow.

- Oh, that's original.

- A.T. caught up with the object of his affections

outside her Manhattan hotel.

- All I can say is, I'm really, really touched.

(people yelling out)

- Wow, good for Toby, that's great.

- Why is that great?

- He was always a nice kid.

- Really?

He's a jerk.

- What?

Why do you say that?

- 'Cause I know him.

C'mon, I lived with him, right here.

Know what he is?

He's a back-stabbing, ungrateful leech.

- No, really?

- Oh my God, I could tell you stories, Ricco.

I'll tell you what he did, he broke into my computer.

- Broke into your computer?

What was he looking for?

- I don't know, bank records, account numbers, you know?

Personal stuff, deeply personal.

- He always seemed like a nice kid.

- Why do you keep saying that?

- 'Cause he did.

He seemed like a nice kid.

- I just told you, he wasn't.

- I know.

I guess I just, liked him.

Really, really nice kid.

(slam)

- That's it, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Get out!

Get your cards, and get out.

- I never seen you like this, man.

You gotta chill, bro.

Why you be buggin?

- Why I be buggin?

Why, because you can't stop talking about Toby this,

toby that, he was a nice kid, blah, blah, blah,

Feldman's photo.

- [Ricco] All right.

- Man, if you love the kid so much, why don't you marry him?

Just get out, go.

- Oh look, I'm sorry, was I talkin' about him that much?

- No, just every fucking second.

- Oh, man.

- Bye Ricco, nice having you.

- You're wrong, man.

- Yeah, I'm wrong. (slam)

(eerie music)

- [Lois Flashback] Carl, wash your hands!

- [Carl flashback] No, get it out of here, I don't

want the fuckin' thing in the house!

Where's that camera I gave you?

- Oh, I still got it.

Thanks Dad.

Thanks for reminding me.

'Cause I got something coming up, something I could

really use it for.

Someone I know just dying to get his picture taken.

Used to be a friend of mine.

Mhmm, okay.

You reach out to a guy, try to apologize,

you say you're sorry, just trying to connect on a basic

human level, and what does he say?

- [Toby] No.

- He says no.

(hissing)

No, Mr. Big TV Star,

doesn't even wanna meet you halfway.

Fine.

(ominous music)

Okay, what goes around, comes around, my friend.

Rule number one, you don't mess with Les.

Simple as that.

You reap what you sow, you are what you eat.

See what we got here.

(eerie music)

Pew, pew.

(gunshot)

(crowd screaming)

- Listen, when we get inside, we go to E! first,

then Access Hollywood, then EW, and it is absolutely

critical we get that show with Clooney, and Del Toro.

(ringing)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

- Hey, it's Gabi.

We're gonna get out first.

- What do you mean, you're gonna get out first?

No, no, no, Toby gets out first.

- Um, no Dana.

K'Harma's gonna get out first, she's gonna get

halfway up, and then Toby's gonna get out.

- Exactly, Jesus.

- No, Gabi.

Toby gets out first, then she gets out,

when he's a third of the way up.

- Where is he, which car is he in?

- Would you goddamn hurry up and get in front of them!

- Fuckin' shit, goddamnit!

- For fuck's sake!

- Don't let them get in, do not let them get in first.

- Dana, Dana, Dana!

Hey guess what, cut the shit!

- No, Gabi, you cut the fucking shit.

- Her last album moved 10 million units.

- Yes, plus foreign!

- Oh, really.

Well, he happens to be the lead

in a 90 million dollar movie.

- Why don't we just get out together?

- No.

- Shut.

- You know why, 'cause she's a celebrity endorsee

for Nova Cola, domestic, and international,

including Taiwan!

- Fine, she'll get out and then he's gonna get out

when she's a quarter of the way up.

- Love you, mean it.

- It' so much better that you go out second,

it's classier, it's much bigger.

- Yeah, I don't care.

- No, you should care, it's big, it means something.

You've got to enjoy this moment, it's everything,

this is everything we've been working for.

- Get your coat on.

- [Byron] C'mon.

- Do a little this, mmm, mmm.

Are you ready, Byron?

- Yeah.

- [Gabi] All right. - All right, let's go.

- Yeah, I've got K'Harma right here, she's coming up.

(crowd cheering)

- K'Harma!

Come on!

(crowd screaming)

(crowd screaming for Toby)

- Toby, Toby, right here!

- K'Harma, K'Harma, this is Sophie French,

you'll talk to her for two minutes.

- What's your name again?

- Toby!

- [Woman] Give us a smile, Toby.

(peaceful music)

- You don't wanna do this today.

- [Gabi] K'Harma, no, no, don't do this now.

- Hey, Homeless.

(crowd cheering)

(ominous music)

- [Toby Flashback] That's what you are, Les,

you're a fucking paparazzi.

Paparazzi.

Rule number one: friends is friends.

- [Les Flashback] I gave you a job, I gave you

a place to sleep!

- [Toby Flashback] Go with the flow.

- [Les Flashback] Go with the flow.

Look, how about we just get together and have a beer,

all right, what do you say?

Like I'm some fuckin' peon all of a sudden?

- [Lois Flashback] Wash your hands!

- [Toby Flashback] You're a fucking paparazzi.

- [Les Flashback] What did I say about De Niro?

I said I would take you with me.

Didn't I say that?

I would take you with me!

First chance you get, you fuckin' leave me!

Like I'm a peon!

Look at me!

(crowd screaming)

(poignant music)

- Hey Les.

Where you going?

- Toby!

- Les.

You look great, man!

- Les, I love you, man.

- Wait a minute, hold, hold.

(flash)

Beautiful!

Yes!

Go, go, go!

(peaceful rock music)

(upbeat rock music)

♫ You're upstairs with the boyfriend while I'm left here

♫ To listen I hear you calling his name,

♫ I hear the stutter of ignition

♫ I could hear you whispering as I crept by your door

♫ So you found some other joker who could please you more

♫ I'm not angry, I'm not angry anymore,

♫ I'm not angry, I'm not angry anymore

♫ Ooh, ooh, I know what you're doin'

♫ I know where you've been

♫ I know where, but I don't care

♫ 'Cause there's a no such thing as an original sin

♫ I've got this camera click, click, clickin' in my head

♫ Angry, I got you talking with your hands,

♫ Got you smiling with your legs, angry

♫ Spent all my time in a vanity factory

♫ Wonderin' when they're gonna come and take it all back

♫ I'm not angry, I'm not angry anymore

♫ I'm not angry, I'm not angry

♫ I'm not angry anymore, I'm not angry

(mid tempo rock music)

♫ Hey now now, the smallest things are crushing me now

♫ The crush crush crush is so comforting now

♫ Did the earth just slam in the sun,

♫ And I know, and I know, and I know it

♫ Won't undo their past by walking and talking backwards

♫ Hey now now, we're goin' down down

♫ And we ride the bus there and pay the bus fare

♫ Or we find a new reason, a new way of living

♫ And we shout it out and we try to dream again

♫ Hey now now, we're goin' down down

♫ And we ride the bus there and pay the bus fare

♫ Or we find a new reason, a new way of living

♫ And we shout it out and we try to dream again

♫ La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la lalalalaaaaa

♫ Hey now now, we're goin' down down

♫ And we ride the bus there and pay the bus fare

♫ Or we find a new reason, a new way of living

♫ And we breathe it in and try to dream again

♫ Hey now now, we're goin' down down

♫ And we ride the bus there and pay the bus fare

♫ Or we find a new reason, a new way of living

♫ And we shout it out and try to dream again

(upbeat jingle)

- Welcome back to Access Tonight, we're here with

our very special guest,

professional photographer, Les Galantine.

Now let's talk about the picture, it's everywhere,

the cover of Premier, Vanity Fair.

Tell me, how'd you take it?

- Well first of all, that was a big moment for me,

us shaking hands like that in front of the whole world.

But bottom line is, Nicki, I'm a photographer,

and well, I just raised the camera, and pow.

- The shot heard 'round the world.

- Exactly.

Yes, that's what I was aiming for.

- So, what's next for Les Galantine?

- Sex with you. (laughing)

Kiddin', I'm kiddin'.

No, I know your husband, and he's a great guy.

I don't know, I'm just going with the flow, you know.

- That's great.

Well, thank you so much for taking the time to

talk to us. - Okay.