All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S03E08_English

[car lock beeps]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Come on home ♪

♪ Comin' home baby now ♪

♪ You know I'm waitin' here for you ♪

♪ I'm comin' home now real soon ♪

♪ You've been gone ♪

♪ Comin' home baby now ♪

♪ You don't know what I'm goin' through ♪

♪ I'm comin' home I know I'm overdue ♪

♪ Since you went away
Expect me any day now ♪

♪ Real soon ♪

♪ I'm comin' home
and never more to roam ♪

♪ Baby tell me you're
Baby I'm for sure ♪

♪ Coming home ♪

♪ I'm comin' home
Come on home ♪

"She was always a devoted wife
but it was as my adoring mother

that Margaret played her greatest role,

and I can't imagine a more wonderful..."

This is ridiculous.

I'm not practicing your eulogy...
that you wrote.

This might be the last chance
we have to go over it!

For the last time, Mum, you're not sick!

My blood sugar has skyrocketed!

Maybe just try 95 percent harder.

I'm depressed.

Oh, Mum. You can survive
one Christmas without me.

I can't!

Why do you have to go to New York?

Because we want to.

We want to show the children
a white Christmas.

You can have a white Christmas here.

[sighs] Why don't you take up
Aunty June and Uncle Derek's invitation?

-They ask you every year.
-Yuck!

You love going to visit them in Adelaide.

Not at Christmas.
Christmas in Adelaide is like...

like sandals and socks.

-Hot?
-Wrong!

Christmas is with you and...

This is Danny's idea, isn't it?
To take you away from me?

Actually, Mum, it was my idea.

I just want one Christmas that's not
complicated with two families.

It isn't my fault that it's complicated!

It was complicated from the moment
that you adopted me.

I tried to hide that for years!

If you weren't such a stickybeak,
nothing would've been complicated.

I'm gonna call Aunty June.

Can you finish my eulogy first?

Read the funny anecdote about
the time I met Judi Dench!

-When did you meet Judi Dench?
-I'm dead. You going to quibble?

She took it pretty well, considering.

Hey, are you allowed to write
your own eulogy?

-Are you nervous about flying again?
-No. Don't worry.

-[Oscar] Dad?
-Yep?

I need to get my Kris Kringle for school.

Can I get some money from your wallet?

Yep, as long as you promise not to
buy anything poisonous or illegal.

-Or explosive.
-Or explosive!

Anyway, I have dealt with Margaret.

I'm so glad I got the tricky one
out the way first.

Julie won't take it nearly as hard.

[sobs] Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just this.

Do you remember the year that
we lost this little Rudolph?

And Amber thought Brianna had taken it,

and so she chopped all her plaits
off while she was sleeping,

and then to get her back, Brianna
dyed all of Amber's clothes pink.

But it was actually Kayne who had
taken it to fix his nose,

and so you both put him
in the wheelie bin.

Do you remember?

Of course we remember, Mum.
It was last year.

I can't believe you both won't be
here for Christmas.

You won't? Neither of you?

Younis and I are going to
Mount Gambier to be with his family.

And we're going up to Townsville
with Evan to see his mum.

I'm living the dream...

spending Christmas
with the school principal's family!

Can I have everyone's keys?

Pop needs to move the cars
so we can assemble Frosty.

Frosty?

The snowman. You should see him.
He's huge.

Our display is finally going to be
better than the Caravellos'.

[sobs]

Shawn!
We'll be here to see the lights, Mum.

We're not going till Christmas Eve.

I know, I know, I know.

It's not like everyone's going away...
at least I have Bess.

-Well, yes. But I did--
-Thank God for Bess!

Oh! Actually, I wanted to--

-Now, about Christmas Day.
-Yes, yes, about Christmas.

I thought it would be easier if you
all came to stay on Christmas Eve

and then that way, we could all
wake up together in the morning

and the kids could open their presents.

-What? No. That'd be too much.
-No, no, no.

It's no problem at all and it's not
like we won't have the room.

Is the sleigh in the right pozzie?

Um, I reckon. What do you think, Pop?

Does the sleigh look good there?

Sensational, Kayne.

Santa would be very happy
to drive that sleigh.

As opposed to a certain
other sleigh, up the street.

-Do you mean the Caravellos'?
-Shh!

We don't want them to think that
we consider them a threat, Kayne.

First rule of warfare.

I thought the first rule of warfare
was "know your enemy".

No, because we know the Caravellos
and they're very nice people.

So that doesn't help us go into battle.

Dad, they're not a threat at all!
Not now we've got a giant snowm...

What? What have they got?

Oh, don't tell me they've got
a giant snowman too.

Worse. They've got snow.

Actual snow.

Looks like they're gonna cover the
whole front yard and the driveway.

For sure, they're gonna do the roof.

The Caravellos have taken it
to a whole nother level.

We're in trouble.

Get your Big Issue!

-Hey.
-Hey.

Oh. I'm so sorry. I thought I had cash.

Oh!

My son got into my wallet
and he's taken all my money.

Sure, mate.

No, no. I-I-I-I don't use cash
for shopping. I use Pay Pass.

So I never check that section
of the wallet.

I honestly thought I had cash.

Sure.

-Merry Christmas.
-Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

I feel like you don't believe me.

Would you accept a, uh, a box of
gingerbread Christmas trees?

Would you accept a box of
gingerbread Christmas trees

for work you did?

No, no, no, I mean as a gift.

I certainly don't expect a magazine.

Although that probably would pay for
a couple but, uh, Merry Christmas.

Oscar! How much money did
you take out of my wallet?

I just had a very awkward exchange
with a Big Issue guy.

Was it like that time with the change?

-No.
-Because that was pretty awkward.

Because he spent so long searching
for change for my $20

and if I say, "Keep the change,"
that's fine.

But if he is stalling so that
I say... We are off topic.

How... You took all the money
out of my wallet.

I needed it for my Kris Kringle.

Since when does Kris Kringle
cost more than five dollars?

What were you doing,
shouting the whole class?

Oscar?

Oscar.

Why did you take the money?
Are you in some kind of trouble?

Hey, it's OK, mate.
You can tell me. Come here.

Hup.

-It's alright.
-It's not just any Kris Kringle.

-Hmm?
-It's a special Kris Kringle.

I think I've got a crush,

and I want to buy something really
good but I don't know what to buy.

Mate! Why didn't you tell me?

You want to buy something special
for the girl you like?

That's trouble I can help with!

I don't like a girl, Dad.

O...K. I didn't see that coming. That's...

You know, maybe I did see it coming.

That's fine, though...
It's fine! It's more than fine!

It's...it's great!

OK, because your choice is your choice,

and I love you and your mother loves you,

no matter who you want to bring home.

I think it's against the school rules.

Against school rules?
What? What year is this?

Did someone actually say that to you?

I've seen on the news
that teachers get in trouble for it.

I don't know if it's the same
for student teachers.

Student tea...
What are we talking about?

Miss Ogilvy. She's been doing
her placement all this semester.

Would you really be alright
if I brought her home?

No, Oscar, you can't bring
Miss Ogilvy home.

But you said that I could!

-Well, that was when I thought you were...
-You thought what?

Nothing. Look, you can't date
Miss Ogilvy, OK? But listen.

[sighs] How about I help you
buy her a nice present,

to say thankyou for the semester?

Mum? Nanny Margaret just posted
an article on Facebook.

They're forecasting dangerous blizzards
for New York this Christmas.

Oh, no! Let me see!
I hope that we can still go.

Look at the date of this article.

2012?

Why would she post an old...

She doesn't want us to go.

Which is why she posted another one

about a New York serial killer from 1975,

and another story about
the Wall Street crash.

-Poor Nanny Margaret!
-[phone beeps]

She'll be with Aunty June and Uncle Derek.

-Poor Aunty June and Uncle Derek.
-Dad!

Nanny Margaret will be fine.
Goodnight, sweetie.

Julie wants me to pick
the stuffing for the turkey.

Craisin and nuts, bacon and cheese,
or prawn risotto.

Prawn risotto in the turkey?

Craisin and nuts, I think.

Although, bacon and cheese
does sound delicious.

Yeah, just a reminder...

you won't be enjoying
the Craisin and nut stuffing,

because we have booked
a non-refundable hotel

and paid for the non-refundable flights.

-I know!
-Do you, though?

Yes! I've figured out how to do it.

-Oh?
-In public.

OK, I'm in.

Clothes on or clothes off?

No, I've figured out how to tell
Julie that we're going to New York,

in public, so she can't make a scene.

[Christmas music playing]

So after Wayne and I had a really
good chat, I felt so much better.

-You did?
-Mm-hm, mm-hm.

I mean, I'm just gonna have to
let Christmas go this year.

You know, the kids get older,
they meet other people.

I'm just gonna have to deal with it.

I mean, I can't control what
everybody does forever, now, can I?

That is great, Julie.
Because actually, Danny and I--

Amber, smile! You don't want to
hop in there with them?

No. I mean, I don't want to
intrude on that tradition.

They've done that every year?

You see? You see, you understand.

It's the tradition, it's the...

little rituals that everybody does
that makes Christmas...

[sobs]

And...

they're not gonna be here!

No, well, Kayne will be here.

And you! [sobs]

Julie, I've--

Thank God I have you!
[continues sobbing]

Kayne, just one with the girls!

-Out! Get out!
-Out!

OK.

["Carol of the Bells" playing]

OK.

It's music and lights, Dad.

Hmm. Something else, isn't it?

Because it's not just
Christmas lights anymore.

It's a Christmas show.

Mmm. It's very clever.

We can get the software from the States.

It syncs up the music to the lights.

-Let's do it.
-Yes!

It's funny, I felt a bit emotional
after watching that.

Imagine how people on the street will feel

when they see our giant snowman
flashing to music?

Probably need to be careful
how we say that

in front of the neighborhood kids.

Fresh from the oven!

Here we go!

Is that Miss Ogilvy's present?

Yeah, sorry.
I haven't given it to her yet.

-Yet? School's broken up!
-Yeah?

Did you stop feeling the same way, or...?

Well, why didn't you give it to her?

It's just...

It wasn't the present I would have chosen.

Hazelnut dukkah is a very
sophisticated dipping dish, Oscar.

I know. I'm sorry, Dad.

It was just...a teacher present.

Not a special present, like I'd wanted.

[sighs] Yeah, OK. Look,
I understand. How about this?

How about we both go
and choose another gift,

a more special one... and send it
to Miss Ogilvy via the school?

Maybe we can get one of those tops
that you bought Mum!

-What tops?
-You know, with the uh,

lace and the straps and the leather?

-No! No!
-And...

No! I didn't buy...that...for your mum.

That was a part of a different outfit
that was part of a costume party

with...it came with
a really big woolly jacket.

Look, me buying a present for
your mum is completely different

to you buying a present for Miss Ogilvy.

-She's your teacher, mate.
-Student teacher.

Yeah, let's focus on the teacher part.

Listen, we're gonna find the perfect
gift for a student teacher.

Alright?

Can we go to the costume shop
that you bought Mum's top?

No, we can't!

[Bess]
We weren't expecting you tonight, Mum.

-No, we weren't.
-Don't mind me.

Tried that. Doesn't work.

I just wanted the children to have
time to go over their gifts.

Side table, Royal Doulton dinner set,
King George lamp.

-What is this, Nanny Margaret?
-It's all my belongings, itemized.

You and Oscar tick which ones you'd like,

and I can put stickers on them for
when you get back from New York.

-Why?
-In case I'm no longer here.

Mum!

[Oscar] Will you be in Adelaide?

Wouldn't you want your things
when you get back?

I'm not going to Adelaide,

Derek and June don't really have room

with their all their
grandchildren this year.

That is completely not true.
Aunty June is desperate for you to go.

She's just being polite.

I can sense when I'm being a burden.

Are you sensing anything right now?

But what will you do
on Christmas Day?

Oh, I'll heat up an old pie
from Thomas Dux

and have an early night, around 5:00.

-[sighs]
-You should come with us!

-Ow, ow!
-What? To New York?

Yes, to New York! You should come!

Yeah, you should come, Nanny Margaret!

-She can't.
-No, she can't.

It's completely organized.

Oh, yes, they're right, my darlings.

It's all organized and there'd be
so much to think about

and I don't even know if my passport
is still valid.

Oh, no... it is! Look at that!
[laughs]

Perhaps I should come!

I could check if there are
any more seats on our flight.

There are...I-I would imagine.

[tyres squeal]

We wanted to leave them
under the tree at home

but every time we tried,
Mum burst into tears.

No. No, this is good.

I can give you your presents now too.

Let me guess, it's a goat
and three chickens in Somalia.

No, I got the message loud and clear

that you didn't appreciate
your charity gift last year, Amber.

My charity gift? How is it mine?

You give the present,
someone else gets it.

As if you'd want a chicken
or a goat, Amber.

Yeah, the point is
to give it on behalf of you.

On behalf of me? Get fucked.

I'm quite capable of giving
to charity myself.

No, you're not.

Anyway, this year,

you'll be pleased to know that
I got you a coffee machine.

Really? The capsule one?

The George Clooney one, not the ALDI one?

No, the one that you emailed,
asking me to get you.

Where's your tree?

Hasn't Danny found the right

eco-windmill-greeny-farm forest
to get it yet?

Where are your decorations?
Did you lose them in the move?

What's going on?

Why does this house
look like a funeral parlor?

We're not gonna be here.
We're going to New York.

What are you talking about?
New York, New York?

It's a wonderful town.

[Amber] What do you mean
you're gonna be in New York?

You mean for New Year's,
you mean in January?

-I mean for Christmas.
-Why?

Because Danny and I want to
take the children to New York.

Well, bad fucking luck! You can't!
You have to stay here with Mum.

No, I don't!

You've seen the way
Mum's been behaving!

-Exactly! And I've got two of them!
-Ohh!

Ever since we all reunited,

I have had two mothers fighting over
who gets to see me the most.

Last year, we had
Christmas Eve drinks at yours,

Christmas Day breakfast with Margaret,

Christmas Day lunch at yours again,
eggnog supper with Margaret,

and then Boxing Day picnic with everyone,

and they both still complained that
they didn't get to see me enough.

It's too much!

We're going to New York.

This is it, Dad.

OK. A scented candle,
hand cream, perfect gift.

I just can't believe
she gave you her address.

[doorbell rings]

Oscar? What? She did give you
the address, didn't she?

-Not exactly.
-What?

Well, Caspian and I have
Mr. Mitchell's password

for the staff intranet at school,

from when he passed out at camp,
and I logged in...

-Oscar, that's illegal!
-Only a little bit!

We could get arrested for stalking!
OK, we have to go immediately.

Hello!
Um, we're looking for...Davros?

-Sorry, who?
-Um...

Oscar! Hi!

Do you know each other?

I just did my teacher's placement
at Oscar's school!

-How are you?
-Good.

-This is so freaky!
-[chuckles nervously]

-I'm Katie Ogilvy.
-Danny Bright, Oscar's dad.

You must be so proud.

Mmm.

Who did you say that
you were looking for?

He said 'Davros'.
Like from Doctor Who.

But a different Davros, obviously.

Uh, this Davros is tall, with a beard.

Oh. I think he lives, um, two doors down.
Does he have tatts?

Does he have tatts?

-I don't know.
-Yes, he does.

And he knows that Davros has tatts.

-I think he's in 15B.
-Ah!

Yeah, he's pretty noisy.

-Is he? Yeah.
-That sounds like our Davros.

Yeah, noisy old Davros!

He should be careful
or they might exterminate his lease.

Sorry, is that a Doctor Who thing?
I don't watch it.

Anyway we should drop this off to Davros.

It's so nice to see you, Oscar.

-And Merry Christmas!
-Bye!

15B. Davros.

-[doorbell rings]
-Oscar, what are you...?

-Merry Christmas!
-Dad!

It's actually not for you, Davros.

It's for Miss Ogilvy, two doors up.

Who? My name's Jason.

-Please give it to Miss Ogilvy.
-Oscar. Enough.

He can say it's from him!
I just want her to have it.

[sighs] Would you mind seeing that
this gets to Miss Ogilvy, from you?

Sure, man.

OK.

[techno version of
"Joy o the World" playing]

[louder, electronic version of
"Joy to the World" playing]

They must've got the software too!

They've got a bigger crowd.
We need to up the ante.

Their song sounds cool, Dad!

I'm not sure the crazy polka's right!

Crazy polka is perfect!

It's not about the music.

There's an element that's missing.

-What? Amber!
-You need to find a girlfriend.

-When?
-[Brianna] Now!

Is there a girl you like?

-Uh...
-Come on, Kayne!

Maybe I like the girl at the 7-Eleven!

Sometimes I find myself going
and buying a banana in there,

which makes me think I like her,

because bananas aren't that nice
at the 7-Eleven.

You need to ask her out
before Christmas.

So you can go to her house for lunch.

But I don't know if she likes me!
And also, I think she's from India.

-Do they celebrate Christmas?
-Who doesn't celebrate Christmas?

I don't want to go to her house!
I want to be with Mum and Dad!

We're sending Mum and Dad
to Thailand for Christmas

because Aunty Susan
and Uncle Keith are gonna be there

and we can't afford
to pay for you to go too.

Thailand? Why?

Because her sister is going to be there.

-What about Bess?
-Bess is going to New York.

-What?
-She's going to New York.

-[music stutters]
-Huh?

[both yell] Bess is going to
New York for Christmas!

[electricity crackles]

Dad! They've shorted!

Come on. This buys us some time.

[Julie] What did you say
about Bess going to New York?

♪ Silent night holy night... ♪

-When were you gonna tell me?
-Julie, hi!

Or were you just gonna send a
postcard from the Statue of Liberty

with some...some tinsel in your hair
and let me work it out?

Julie, I am so sorry.

I kept trying to tell you,

but you were already so upset,
I didn't know how.

Yeah, because you knew it was wrong!

Wrong? No.

[Margaret calls] Bess?
Bess, are you upstairs?

This'll be good, if you think I've
cracked it, wait till she finds out.

Which jacket do you think
for Christmas dinner?

I think they're both lovely, but...

Oh, hello, Julie.

-You're taking her with you?
-Yes.

No. I didn't ask her to come,
she booked her own ticket.

You'll all be together
on the other side of the world?

Is there something you'd like me
to pick up at Bloomingdale's?

You have chosen her over me?

I haven't chosen anyone.

I didn't want Margaret
to come to New York.

-At first.
-At all!

The point of going to New York,

was that I didn't have
to choose one of you.

I am so tired of you
both making me choose.

[both] How do we make you choose?

-I asked you first.
-Oh, my God. [laughs]

I'm like a Christmas bonbon.

Tug at me long enough

and a pair of mini-binoculars
will come flying out of my arse.

Bess!

Where do you get bonbons
with mini-binoculars?

I am not doing this anymore.

I just want you to be here, Bess.

Christmas is when
we should all be together.

We have...we have so many
family traditions...

They are not my traditions.

We have only known each other
for two years.

You can't suddenly dictate where
I'll be and what I'll be doing.

I'm sorry.

But I'm going to New York.

-I'm sorry too, Julie.
-You're not coming, Mum.

Any luck?

Neither of them are answering my calls.

I hope the plane goes down.
That'll teach them not to speak to me.

-That's a figure of speech.
-It's actually not.

They'll come round, OK?

Julie'll get used to the downsizing

and Margaret will be fine
with June and Derek,

once Derek gets a couple
of drinks into her.

I know.

OK, I'm going to regret
asking you this, but,

are you sure you still want to go?

Both of them not talking to me is proof
that I am doing the right thing.

-Yes.
-[laughs]

-Happy Christmas Eve, my babies.
-Mmm.

-What's up, buddy?
-She's met someone.

-Who's met someone?
-Miss Ogilvy.

She just posted on Facebook -
"Christmas dreams can come true."

-[Danny] Davros.
-Jason.

I told you it was a good present.

Oh, mate, come here. Come here. Hup.

Look, I know it's hard to believe now,
but you'll meet another Miss Ogilvy.

One that you don't have to call
Miss, 'cause she'll be your own age.

There is this really
pretty girl in Year 12.

Yep, that's a start.

-You ready to cheer Mum up?
-If this doesn't, nothing will.

[techno version of
"Joy to the World" playing]

[excited cheering]

This is Brianna.

[woman] Hi. Oh, my God.

White Christmas. Excited?

[music continues]

[cheering, applause]

[laughs]

[Wayne] Merry Christmas!

Beautiful, baby!

[laughs, cheers]

[cheering]

[crowd claps in time to the music]

Love you, guys!

[Kayne] Rudolph!

Wayne, stop him.

[Wayne] Rudolph, settle down.

-[Wayne] Rudolph!
-[Kayne shrieks]

[thud!]

[Wayne] Kayne! Kayne!

-[mobile phone rings]
-It's Julie.

Hello?

[indistinct airport announcement over P.A]

Danny, stop.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night... ♪

I wish you were in New York now,

and I wish you were in Townsville

and I wish you were
in Mount Gambier, Brianna.

All last week I was doing everything
I could to make you stay here

and now all I want for Christmas is...

Sorry.

I'm sorry for being so selfish.

I'm sorry, Bessie.

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace... ♪

All the tests went very well.

No concussion and the CT scans
came back all clear.

I think our initial concern

stemmed from the amount
of blood on the face,

but that was just due
to the light bulb exploding.

So better use a plastic one
next time, OK, Rudolph?

And, um...his brain?

No sign of trauma -
same as it always was.

So, there's some bad news after all?

No, there's been no impairment
at all to the head.

Did you have a really good look?

He will have exactly the same
mental capacity as he's always had.

-As a five-year-old.
-She's relieved.

This is her being relieved
that he's alright.

I'm really, really sorry, everyone.

I got caught up in the applause.

[Wayne]
Mate, you need to stop apologizing.

The upside is, when the ambos came
and we had all the drama,

no-one was down at the Caravellos'.

[Kayne laughs]

Not that there was an upside.

The tests were all clear -
he's going to be fine.

Oh, thank goodness!

So, he can come downstairs for a while?

Well, it's Christmas Day, after all.

Well, I reckon you got
what you wished for.

My brother to have a head injury?

No, Christmas Day with one family.

Hmm, I did.

-[Julie] Here, Bessie.
-[Margaret] Come and sit here.

Bess, take this seat.

-Sorry we're not at your mum's.
-Me too.

I could be drunk,

yelling at my sister about
the government right now.

-I didn't get to meet your sister.
-Next Christmas.

[text message alert]

"Send all our love to the family...

P.S. We think Brianna
is the petrified girl in the world."

They think I'm petrified?
That's kind of mean.

-Prettiest. It's predictive text.
-Totally! That's it.

Mum loves predictive text,
even when it's wrong.

She means prettiest,
which is one million per cent true.

Technically, you can't have one million...

Seriously?

You're right...it's Christmas.

It's barbecue chook, not turkey,
but you get the idea.

Dad, imagine if we opened
a barbecued turkey shop.

A pop-up? Just for Christmas.

Yeah.

Listen, mate, really sorry about
the fall...I should've rehearsed.

Dad, it was my fault.
I got carried away being Rudolph.

I really wanted to guide your sleigh and--

It's all good. We learned our lesson.

But we're going to try again
next year, aren't we?

Oh, we'll give it another crack for sure.

OK, everybody got a drink?

No. No, Oscar, not you.

To our family.

Merry Christmas.

[all] Merry Christmas.

[techno version of
"Joy to the World" playing]

-[Bess] Merry Christmas.
-[Kayne] Cheers, Amber.

-[Amber] Want a sip?
-[Kayne] Yeah.

[Amber] As if I'm gonna give you some!

Margaret. Here's to you.

[music continues playing]