All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S03E03_English

[car lock beeps]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Come on home ♪

♪ Comin' home baby now ♪

♪ You know I'm waiting here for you ♪

♪ I'm comin' home now real soon ♪

♪ You've been gone ♪

♪ Comin' home baby now ♪

♪ You don't know what I'm going through ♪

♪ I'm comin' home I know I'm overdue ♪

♪ Since you went away
expect me any day ♪

♪ now real soon. ♪

♪ I'm comin' home
and never more to roam ♪

♪ Baby tell me you'll ♪

♪ Baby I'm for sure comin' home ♪

♪ I'm comin' home ♪

♪ Come on home ♪

Good afternoon, Mr. Prendergast.

I'm your anaesthetist, Dr Denyar.

I am filling in for... Oh!

-Dr Gupta?
-Dr Gupta, yes.

Yes. He had a family emergency.
He had to fly home.

They didn't tell me what a pretty
replacement I'd be getting.

[giggles] Oh, no, no, um...

I think that might be the pre-med talking.

You are a lot, a lot hotter than Dr Gupta.

[clears throat] Right.

I just need to ask you a couple of
questions, Mr. Prendergast.

Matt. Call me Matt.

Oh, we're supposed to keep things
a little bit formal here.

Formal? I'm in a gown
and I'm not wearing any pants.

[giggles]

Fair enough! Hi, Matt. I'm Bess.

I like your eyes.

-Oh...
-[clattering]

Oh... Um, sorry.

So it's keyhole surgery of the shoulder.

The...left shoulder?

What, this one?

Yes, that one. Uh-huh. Yep.

It's sore, Doctor.

Funny. It looks pretty perfect to me.

No. I'm so sorry.

It doesn't. It's...
Sorry, that was a joke.

I'll just pop that back on.

Um, so, are you on any other
medication at the moment, Matt?

-Oops.
-What about aspirin?

Hey! Who's the Top Fuel racing fan here?

-Top Fuel?
-That's the Wheelers, it's...

That's Julie Wheeler. She's the driver.

Did she have an operation here?
Was that for her knee?

Do you follow the team?

Oh, sort of. She's my aunty.

-Your aunty?
-Yep. Aunty Julie.

As in close family friend
that you call 'aunty'?

No, as in she's my mother's sister,
so she's my aunty.

But they're not close.
They don't even speak.

There's been, like, some family feud
for, like, a million years.

Oh, no.

My gown needs fixing.

I will get...
I will get the nurse for that.

-[clattering]
-Pardon.

[Bess] You told me your sister was dead!

You said Susan was dead!

I never said that.

-Yeah, you did.
-You totally did.

I said she was dead to me.

Yeah, well, you must've said the
"to me" part very bloody quietly.

What are you looking at?

-Fuck off!
-Swear jar.

This way, guys. Just...

Amber, they happen to be very special--

Julie, don't you think it's important
that we know who's in our family?

Obviously I don't, otherwise
I would've said something.

Anyway, now you know.

[sighs] Well, what if we, you know,
married our cousin?

[laughs awkwardly]

Not that we... [laughs]
Not that I... That's not... Oh.

But what if there are medical issues
we should know about?

There is nothing you need to know about.

So first we find out we have a sister.

-Then we find we have an aunty.
-And cousins.

[knocks at window]

Any chance of finding out
he's not our brother?

Thank you.

So why did you stop speaking?

Matt said there were something
about a feud, didn't he, Mum?

-Was it over a will?
-Was it about money?

Look, you are all making too much of this.

It was no big deal.

My sister and I just...

just didn't get on.

He's on Facebook.

Is that him, Mum?

Holy shitballs.
You didn't say he looked like that.

-Like what?
-Like yum.

Oh, do you think?
Oh, I hadn't noticed.

Mum, look. This is him.

No, no, wait. Wait, is that...

Is that your sister, Nan?

Oh, I didn't get to see her!
You're not going to either.

-No, I just want to see her face.
-[doorbell rings]

I don't want you to see her face.
I don't want you to see his face.

-Why? What happened?
-[ringing continues]

For Christ's sake, Wayne!

Get the front door and tell them
to go round the side!

Listen to me.
We don't speak to that family ever.

End of story.

You understand me?

-Constable Miklis!
-Wayne.

I haven't seen you for a while.

-This about the abalone?
-What abalone?

I dunno.

Wayne, this is Cecilia Banks
from the council.

Hello, Mr. Wheeler.

We hear you've been having
a lot of visitors to the house.

-Not really.
-[man] Sup.

-Hey.
-[Wayne] Oh, they're not visitors.

They're customers.

So it's true? You are selling?

Oh, not me. The boys. [chuckles]

Welcome to the Princes of Protein.

[Wayne] Kayne, you remember
Constable Miklis?

And this is my son-in-law to be, Younis.

They're the only things in here
not made in China.

[Kayne] It's top-quality powder.

-Younis?
-Absolutely.

Over 12% improvement
in strength and stamina.

What areas are you interested
in working on, Constable Miklis?

Is this for the council web page?

This is for evidence, Mr. Wheeler.

Wayne, this is illegal.

No, the boys got it through Customs.
Kayne, get the receipt.

No, no, selling it like this,
out of your house, is illegal.

See you next week. Looking great.

You need a commercial license
to trade, Mr. Wheeler.

From my own backyard? No, I don't.

Where's your permits, where's your
public liability, where's your insurance?

Where's your van with the men in the
white coats to take you away, lady?

'Cause you are seriously crazy.

This isn't Westfield.

This is a tent up the side of a house.

No, it's a shop,
and you have to dismantle it.

Doesn't he, Constable Miklis?

-Sorry, Wayne.
-And then you have to pay the fine.

-What fine?
-For running a shop without a license.

-Two thousand dollars.
-We haven't made any profit yet!

-You're joking.
-Dad, we've just started.

-Mate, I was talking to her.
-Oh.

Awesome!

Which side of the bed do you want, Dad?

No, no. No, no.
No. No, no, no.

Hello. Yes. Yes, it is.

Yes, I'm sorry. I'm going to need
twin beds for my son and me.

Yeah, that's because my wife
was on the original booking

but she had to fill in at work

and she decided it would be
a good life experience

for my son to come with me instead.

Psst! Psst!

Are you there? Yep.

So, yep, do you have another room?

Sorry?

Yes, no, I know it's a busy week.

Yes, I'm actually a guest speaker, so...

-[zipper unzips]
-OK, what about a folding bed?

Oh, none? Not one?

OK. That's perfect.

We're going to have the best time, Dad.

We're not here for the best time.

We're here for an architects' conference.

I'm just gonna do some tweaking
on my speech, OK?

Put some more jokes in it.

No. What you mean, more jokes?
I've got plenty of jokes in here.

I read it on the plane
when you were napping

and I think it could be funnier.

Funnier?

Did you read the bit where I wrote

"Denton, Corker and Marshall
walk into a bar -

"a steel bar
protruding from a building.

"That'll teach them."

Because they always design
buildings with pieces sticking...

It's architecture...
OK, fine, I'll write more jokes.

[dog barks]

All clear. Well?

That picture of Matt and Susan
is four years old.

And she's not on Facebook.
Well, that's the end of that.

No. No, no, no, no.

No, it's not. We'll go through Matt.

You heard Mum. We're not allowed.

[scoffs] We are grown women.

We are entitled to know how
and to whom we are related.

"To whom we are related"?

It's not the fucking Federal Court.

-Do you have to be so stuck up?
-I'm sorry.

I don't speak like you because
I was raised somewhere else.

Remember? Because I,
like Susan, was a secret.

-Boo-hoo.
-Amber.

Alright. Wow.

Really? Yay!
Do not think about hugging me.

OK. So, Matt is married to Lauren.

-Married?
-To Lauren. Four kids.

Four kids?!

Why's that so surprising?

Oh, my God. [gasps]
You got it on with him.

What?! That's ridiculous.

Why is that ridiculous?
I would totally tap that.

If I didn't know he was my cousin.

Do you see why we have to find out
who they all are?

-[music playing in distance]
-Where are you going?

-[loud music playing]
-Oi. You two.

-[music stops]
-Go and watch that at Nan's.

-In the lounge room.
- Why?

Because I'm...fumigating. Out!

-He has sisters!
-And four Cheesecake Shops.

Jodi and Brooke are younger, and--

Let's go now. We can ask him
about family medical stuff

and get cheesecake.

We can't. Mum will find out.
We won't say who we are.

We'll just flirt with him like Bess did.

I did not. I did not flirt with him.

His gown fell and
I just happened to see his bicep,

his deltoid and his pectoralis major.

And neither of you can go
because he knows who you are.

So who can we send to ask questions?

[Margaret] Cheesecake?

But you never let me eat cheesecake.

-I don't want you to eat it.
-Oh.

I want you to do some sniffing
around in The Cheesecake Shop.

Bess, you know I'm not comfortable

in places where they wear polo
shirts with embroidered logos.

Mum, please.

This is the only way to find out
about my extended biological family.

Julie's very unhappy that we know
as much as we do.

-She is?
-Yes.

She would be furious if she knew
that we were going behind her back.

Why didn't you say so?

Of course I'll help. [laughs]

Just popping down to the Thai
for a feet and legs.

Feet and legs? Sounds serious.

You still upset about the girls
finding out about your sister?

-No.
-Do you want to talk?

It's feet and legs, babe.
If I was upset, it'd be a full body.

-Lower the numbers, boys.
-They'll be right.

Just need some creative accounting.

Seven, nine, 36, take away five. 400.

-Did you carry the three?
-Oh, bum. Start again.

Roughly speaking, how much do
you owe if you close up shop now?

$3,600.

-Bloody fine.
-Oh, yeah, the fine.

$5,600.

This is not right. This is not right.

-Do you know what this is?
-Not right?

This is the government sticking
their noses into our business.

This is my house. I own it.

-I thought the banks owned it.
-Only on paper.

They can't tell us what we can
and can't do on our own property.

We're gonna fight this. We're gonna
stand up for what's ours.

Kayne, did we buy The Castle DVD in Bali?

-Yes.
-Put it on.

-OK.
-We're not gonna pay that fine.

[Bess] But Julie completely flipped out,

and forbade us from talking about
them ever again.

-Really? What's the big mystery?
-Well, no-one knows.

So of course we're all dying to find out.

You should see how good-looking
Mum's cousin is, Dad.

No, he isn't. What? Good-looking?

-Hi, darling.
-Hi, Mum. Hi, Edwina.

Sorry, Dad, there was only one robe.
Do you mind?

[knock at door]

Why did you make me bring him?

I've got my big speech.
He's going to wreck it.

It's just room service, Dad.

I...I didn't order room service.

I did. Do you have a tip?

Yep, here's my tip...

don't bring your son away on a conference.

I've got to go.

This is a $27 burger.

I only got the mini.

Oscar, we had dinner
provided by the conference.

-This is very greedy, mate.
-I was starving.

I had food from the plane.

I've got half
a prawn and dill sandwich here.

But that's been in your bag.

Oh, when did you get so spoiled?
That is completely fine, Oscar.

Then you eat it.

Happily.

Mmm!

Does it taste disgusting?

It tastes free.

Constable Miklis!

Wayne. What are you doing here?

I'm a drug mule.

-Sorry?
-Only kidding.

It's what Kayne and Younis call me
when I help them with deliveries.

Right.

And we'd like you to have
a tub on the house.

You'll start seeing improvements
in your pecs first.

Wayne, if you're trying to get me to
drop the fine by giving me a gift...

I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.

I'm not issuing it.
It's the council's fine.

And if you're going to contest it,
you'll need to present something,

not a bucket of powder,
to show why you should be exempt.

OK. Thanks for your advice.

And on second thoughts,
you're probably more of a cardio man.

-Are you OK in there, Dad?
-[toilet flushes]

You've been in there for ages.

Should I get the hotel doctor?

[weakly] Just let me focus on my speech.

-[sighs]
-Do you think it was the sandwich?

[retches]

If you got rid of the embarrassing
standard-issue wheels,

switch them up with a 20-inch alloy,
seriously consider a body kit,

this might be worth driving.

Why do she have to drive my car?
We may need a quick getaway.

Do you remember
what you have to ask him?

Family, relationships, illnesses...

Please don't change it
from Classic FM.

I'm switching it from
bullshit eco-mode to sport

so we can make an exit
less like a nun's Corolla.

Mum, you need to go.

Don't you dare pimp my ride
while I'm gone.

I've seen the ads on Foxtel.
I know what you people do.

There's someone here to see you, Matt.

Can I help you?

Matt? Matt Prendergast?

That's right. And you are?

I am very pleased to meet you,
that's what I am.

I'm a big fan.

Of...of me?

Mmm. And of what you've done
with the shops.

-You have four, is that right?
-Well, my family does.

We run them together.
That's my little sister Jodi right there.

Oh, they didn't say she'd be here.

Who didn't?

-Head office.
-Oh.

Are you interested in buying a franchise?

Yes. Yes, I am.

And everyone in the family
is well and fit...

...to run a business, I mean.

-Yes.
-How about psychologically?

Any mental illness?

I mean, it must be
quite a toll on the family,

running a cheesecake...empire.

The Murdochs of the mud cakes.
That's what they call you. [laughs]

Do they?

I suppose it is a bit of empire.

-Do you mind if I take some notes?
-Sure.

Can I get you a piece of cheesecake?

No, I'm a diabetic. What about you?

Am I a diabetic? No.

Any other autoimmune diseases?
Alopecia, vitiligo?

Why are you interested in
a franchise if you're a diabetic?

Well, you don't just sit here
and eat cake all day, do you?

Or your cholesterol levels
would be through the roof.

How are your cholesterol levels,
by the way?

-Fine.
-And your mother's?

Are you going to ask me
about my shoulder?

-Should I?
-It's just a bit weird.

You're asking all this stuff
about my health

and here I am with my arm in a sling,
you haven't even asked why.

It's as if you already know
what happened.

-No, I don't.
-Really?

You have no idea that I had surgery
on my shoulder?

Ooh, that sounds nasty.

So, aren't you going to ask
whether it was a workplace injury

or some genetic defect?

Was it a genetic defect?

I knew it.

-You did?
-You people.

You can't actually believe

that someone genuinely hurt
themselves at work.

You have to blame it on the family.

You can't just pay the insurance.

You disgust me.

[rock instrumental music playing]

[Wayne] Thank you, councilors.

That's the whole presentation?

I did also wanna ask them about
fixing the lid on our wheelie bin.

But I thought it might be off topic.

It's all off topic.

How is what you just did
contesting the fine?

Because we're showing them
how good the powder is.

But you're not being fined
over the quality of the powder.

You're being fined because
you don't have a license to sell it.

I appreciate your concern, Edwina,

but I think this should get them
over the line.

-[Wayne] Let's go, boys.
-Wayne, wait.

Let me write a couple of notes for you.
Just in case.

Alright, sweetie. Just in case.

[gasps] What did you find out?

Well, the lemon meringue pie is delicious.

Mum!

He was convinced
the insurance company had sent me

to investigate his shoulder injury.

I had to buy $200 worth of
cheesecakes to distract him.

-Did you get serviettes?
-[woman] Excuse me.

Oh. [laughs awkwardly]

It's the little sister, Jodi.

Fuck. Duck!

[Jodi] You left your credit card behind.

Oh, thank you so much.

-How silly of me.
-No worries.

Oh, hi, Mum!

[gasps] She said "Mum"!
It's Jodi's mum! It's Matt's mum!

It's Julie's sister!

Thanks for the update, Detective.

No, no, no! Find out stuff.

[Margaret] Ah...

I...I don't think I said thank you for...

Oh. I didn't see...

Do you need a hand?

Oh, that's really nice.

-Thanks. Uh, I'm good.
-[slurs] My...my handbag.

[Jodi] Oh. I've got your bag, Mum.

Is she alright?

Oh, well, she can't speak,
walk or swallow,

but apart from that,
she's absolutely fine.

[Jodi] Anyway, see ya. Have a good one.

She can't walk or swallow?
What's that, Bess?

Oh, my God, I think it's ALS.
Motor neuron disease.

I've always been worried
I'm gonna get that.

Seriously, this is about you?
No, no. No, of course not.

I'm just saying...it's hereditary.

Five percent of the time.

Which is 50-50 in my head.

[steady beeping]

[siren wails, dance music playing]

-Huh!
-Huh!

-Huh!
-Ah!

Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh!

Princes of Protein!

Whoo! Oh, wow!

That was awesome.

That was just like having Magic Mike
at work, but with more clothes on.

No, very clever, guys.

So, in conclusion, I think you'll
agree that the protein powder works.

It sure does. Wow.

-Yes siree, Bob.
-So, the fine?

Yeah, you can pay that at the counter
at the front of the building.

-Hang on, you just said--
-Mr. Wheeler.

It's not the quality of the powder
that's the issue.

That's what Edwina said.
I know what Edwina said.

She's so smart.

Hang on a sec.

Further to our display,
I would just like to add...

"Kayne and Younis
are two young guys with a dream.

They remind me of two other
young guys with a dream...

Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.

Just like Kayne and Younis,
those guys didn't have any money

when they created their first Apple
computer in their parents' garage.

Just like the Princes of Protein,

Microsoft, Disney, Google
all began as backyard endeavors."

I didn't know that.

Uh...until I...I wrote this.

"If the government is truly committed
to economic growth,

then Kayne and Younis
should be rewarded, not punished.

We implore you to make them exempt
from this punitive $2,000 fine."

Oh...and fix our broken wheelie bin.

How about this?

What if you pay for
a temporary trading license

and we forget all about the fine?

And we have a look at your wheelie bin.

-Fantastic.
-Yes!

How much is the license?

That one is, um...$2,500.

We'll pay the fine.

Any chance of an encore, boys?

Can't believe you went
behind my back.

I told you, I explicitly said,
that it was none of your business.

And it was certainly none of her business.

Well, it became all of our business

when we found out that
your sister has ALS.

No, no, it was my decision
and you had no right!

She's got what?

-ALS.
-What's that?

The Ice Bucket Challenge, Mum.

She...

she's dying?

Hey, O-man.

Dad! You look so much less green.

Oh...

I don't even remember coming to bed.

I kind of dragged you in here
the night before last.

The night before... What day is it?

Saturday.

Saturday?

I missed my speech.

Oh! Oh, I spent so long on that paper.

-I know, Dad.
-I was writing more jokes for it.

-I know, Dad.
-Oh!

It would have gone over very strongly!

It did, Dad.

What do you mean, it did?

And this is what I call
the light bulb moment...

the precise point in time where
pragmatism and idealism collide.

Oscar, you gave my speech.

Why would you do that?

I knew how important it was to you.

Speaking of light bulbs,

how many architects does it take
to change a light bulb?

None. They have to
get a builder to do it.

That's not my joke!
You put your jokes into my speech?!

Because you got sick.

Oscar, why would you do that to me?!

Oh, my career is over!

People thought I was funny.
Look at this bit.

What is it with my dad, the architect?

He loves the Sydney Opera House,
inspired by an orange,

but he hates the Big Banana,
inspired by a banana.

And don't get him started
on the Big Pineapple.

[crowd laughs]

You've been a great crowd.
Thank you and goodnight.

[crowd cheers and applauds]

Mum's very nervous.
Everyone on their best behavior... Amber.

Why are you picking on me?
Mum, you look fantastic!

[all greet enthusiastically]

-[doorbell rings]
-I can't do it.

-Yeah, you can.
-But Bess isn't even here yet.

She messaged me.
"On my way with Margaret,

but first time ever,

she's been pulled over for speeding."

Told her sport mode was quicker.

I'll get the door.

Hi. I'm Brianna.

-This is Amber.
-Hi. I'm Jodi.

Yeah, we know. I mean, hi.

You must be Brooke. And you're Matt.

Ah. Hello. [coughs]

Hi, Julie. I'm Matt.

Matt, hi. Last time I saw you, you...

Um, hello.

You remember Dad.
Whoa, Keith! You got old.

-So how come you didn't?
-[laughs]

-Thanks for coming.
-Oh, thanks for inviting me.

My God, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Course I would.

So, how long have you got?

All afternoon.

No, no, I mean, you know...

I actually thought you couldn't walk.

Oh! Well, I couldn't last week.

But these boots are magic.
I'm on the mend now.

-What's wrong with you exactly?
-I'm a klutz.

And she's stubborn and impatient.

I had my wisdom teeth out and I was
a bit groggy from the painkillers.

And she was told to stay in bed.
I got up to go to the loo...

And then she fell and broke her ankle.

That's all that's wrong with you?

Oh, it's a nasty break.

-So you're not dying?
-Dying?

Me? No. God, no! I hope not.

So you thought that
I was saying sorry for...

For... OK. Get out.

-What?
-Jules...

She's not dying. She can leave.

Sorry we're late.

You're my...

And you're...

What the hell's going on here?

Is this some sort of Workcover sting?

I'm your cousin.

-I'm Janice.
-You're Janice?

Yeah, OK, we've all met each other.
Susan was just leaving.

-But I thought you gave her up.
-And she found me.

-And her name's Bess.
-And this is her mother, Margaret.

And we're all very close.

-Aren't we, Margaret?
-[tightly] Mmm.

So...

we had a happy ending after all.

Not quite the miserable life
you were hoping I'd have.

-I never hoped you would...
-Really? Really?

Because I seem to recall
that they were your exact words,

along with, uh...oh, yeah, that's right...

I'm the worst person in the world
for giving up my baby.

I should never have said that.

I was scared.
I had Matt at the same time.

I was hoping we'd raise
our babies together.

You didn't have to stop speaking to me.

Of course I had to stop speaking to you!

You had Matt!

And I didn't have Janice.

Bess.

Oh, my God. I didn't understand.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Jesus. What a terrible sister.

Yeah.

Well...

don't get me started on how you used
to wear my clothes without asking.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

[both laugh]

I just wanted to say I very much
enjoyed the Belgian double choc.

There's all your room service
and minibar paid for.

-You're welcome.
-Are you still mad at me?

Oh, mad? Why would I be mad?

-Oscar!
-Hey! Conrad!

So glad I caught you.

Oh, you must be Danny Bright.

-Conrad Gardner.
-I know.

Yes, I'm a big...I'm a big fan.

Incredible speech. Congratulations.

Well, I mean,
it's maybe not as I intended.

Your thoughts on project conception
were groundbreaking.

And this guy... [chuckles]
Hold the phone.

His warmth and charisma
delivering your words...

it was the moment of the conference.

-How funny is he?
-Is he?

Have you seen the Facebook page?
It's all anyone's talking about.

Well, yeah, I mean, you know, we're...

we're a bit of a double act.

-I'd love to do lunch.
-Me too.

Awesome. Oscar, keep in touch.

-It really went well?
-Dad, I killed.

Oh, thank you. Really.

Oscar, you're amazing.

Let's look at Facebook comments.

[upbeat music playing]
[general hubbub]

So we're fine as long
as we sell within the law.

Like at a garage sale.

Which would be every second Saturday.

And every third Monday.

And every Wednesday between six and eight.

And every other Thursday before breakfast.

Yeah. Like, Friday weeks we could do.

Alternate public holidays...

-Yeah.
-...in the mornings.