All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S02E05_English

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

-♪ Come on home
-♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You know I'm waiting here
for you

♪ I'm coming home,
now, real soon

-♪ You've been gone
-♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You don't know
what I'm going to do

♪ I'm coming home,
I know I'm overdue

-♪ Since you went away
-♪ Expect me

♪ Any day now real soon

♪ I'm coming home
and never more to roam

-♪ Baby, tell me you're
-♪ Baby, I'm for sure

BOTH: ♪ Coming home

-♪ I'm coming home
-♪ Come on home ♪

(CLEARS THROAT)

(COUGHING)

Oh... Mum!

-Did you see what she just did?
-Cover your mouth, love.

What if I get sick?
Do you know how many hurdles

I had to jump through
to get this interview.

Hoops. You jump through hoops,
you climb over hurdles.

And you smack in the head.

-Ow!
-Amber!

Don't dent the cling wrap.

Why are you letting
her infect everyone

like she's Gwyneth Paltrow in
that movie where she carks it?

Is that that Sliding Doors one?
I like that one.

Honey, if you were
gonna get sick,

it would've happened by now.

Thanks for your sympathy.

-Go to the doctor.
-(COUGHING)

-Fuckin' hell!
-Cover your mouth.

Yeah, cover your mouth!

No, I meant you.

If she has wrecked
my one shot at promotion.

Sweetheart, honey, Amber,
the interview is gonna be great.

You're gonna be great.

And you're gonna get it.

We're very proud
of our big girl.

Well, actually,
your big girl is Bess,

so...

Dad said don't dent
the cling wrap!

This is alfoil.

-BESS: Morning!
-OSCAR: Hi, Mum.

You made me look like
a fully-fledged alcoholic

buying these before breakfast.

Ooh.

-What, are they wrong ones?
-I didn't ask you to buy vodka.

I asked you to buy goji berries.

Goji berries?
No, you didn't.

Yes, I did. For my muesli and
yoghurt that I want to eat now.

(BESS CLEARS THROAT)

'Hey, babe, can you pick up some
good spirits on your way home?'

Good spirits?
I didn't say 'good spirits'.

(INHALES SHARPLY)
You know what? Doesn't matter.

You used the voice-activation
again, didn't you?

Hey? No. How was your work,
Bessie? No, no, no.

Hey, babe, can you
pick up some goji berries

on your way home?

WOMAN ON RECORDING: Ready
to send your message, Danny.

BESS: Danny, I told you not
to use that. It doesn't work.

Well, it's not her fault.

How's she supposed to know
what goji berries are?

I mean, I don't know what they
are and I'm the one eat them.

-You know she's an 'it', right?
-Just don't be mad at her, okay?

I should've checked the text.

I'm sorry for getting
you into trouble.

WOMAN ON RECORDING:
No need to apologise.

AMBER: Which meant that
for the last eight months

I've managed
the small-business banking

for all of our
district branches.

So now you feel
equipped to take on

the Regional Manager position?

Especially because
of the success rate

of the small businesses
we've given loans to.

Yes, you clearly do have
a very good understanding

of what businesses
will work in the marketplace.

Thanks.

On that, Miss Wheeler,

I'm wondering if your remember
assessing a loan application

for a young couple
who wanted to open a patisserie?

Shane and Erica Dawson.

-Never forget a customer.
-Yeah, you turned them down.

Yeah, you know what their
experience was with pastry?

They'd both eaten
a sausage roll.

-(CHUCKLING)
-(AMBER SNORTS)

Hm. Do you remember
exactly what you said to Shane

when you told him his loan
application had been denied?

Exactly?
Well, no, I'm sure I...

Well, allow me
to jog your memory,

as your conversation
was recorded

for training purposes.

AMBER ON RECORDING: Shane, you
and Erica opening a patisserie

is the dumbest bloody thing
I've ever heard of.

You haven't
even spelled it right

on the application,
you moron.

SHANE ON RECORDING:
Well, obviously

I'd learn how to spell it
properly if...

AMBER ON RECORDING:
Uh-uh, listen to me.

You need to
think things through

before you come to me again

with any more of this bullshit.

-You swore at a customer.
-You don't understand.

Shane and Erica,
they're the sort of people

who really want to
make something of themselves

but don't know
how to go about it.

I'm doing them a fuck...

I'm doing them a favour.

How do I make my own pasta?

I'm asking how I make pasta.

-Yeah, there might be easier...
-Shush, shush.

(CAR APPROACHING)

WOMAN ON RECORDING:
Here's one I've found.

Bam. Read it and weep, lady.
How do I make my own pasta?

Okay, you need to
form a religious group,

-then nominate a head.
-What?

No, 'past-a,' not 'past-or.'

She only gets it wrong
when you're around.

(COUGHING, MOANING)

Oh, Brianna, are you alright?
You look...

Uh, Bess, Bess, before I forget,
I need to borrow a handbag.

Oh, yeah, okay.
Um... Which one...

Oh, any one. I'm just
a bit short on handbags.

Uh... This sort of thing?

What? Oh, no, no. I don't
want to borrow a handbag.

Maybe I should
take you shopping,

get you something
with a bit more sparkle.

Uh, can you take a look
at Brianna?

She's really...
She's really crook.

You know, I rang
the medical centre

and I talked through
her symptoms to them

and they said she'd
need to see a doctor.

But they didn't have any?

Brianna has panic attacks
around doctors

ever since she had
her appendix out.

Oh, well, that can be
a very painful procedure.

I know, especially
when you go in

-for your wisdom teeth.
-What?

There was a mix-up
with the paperwork.

The poor kid goes in
with a toothache

but wakes up with her stomach
cut open and a toothache.

Julie, that's terrible!

Well, these things have gotta
come out sooner or later,

-don't they?
-No.

Anyway, she now has
breakdowns every time

anything remotely
medical's done to her,

so...

Could you check her out
without her knowing?

Oh, did I tell you
I read something interesting?

Apparently the length
of your tongue

is directly related
to how smart you are.

Sorry, I meant
how attractive you are.

-Really? I have a long tongue.
-Not as long as mine.

Is so!

Oh, wait.
I'll measure them.

Oh, wow!

You are super-attractive

because your tongue starts
all the way back down here,

which, the article says,

is exactly like Beyonce's.

-Is it?
-Yay!

You're just like Beyonce!

-I'm a bit hot, Bess.
-Yes, yes, you are,

but I just feel so lucky

to have a little sister
who's genetically compatible

with the success story
of Destiny's Child.

I mean, I do feel a bit sorry
for the other two.

But, um, Julie,
take a photo.

Oh, good idea.
Uh, smile.

-(SHUTTER CLICKS)
-Oh, wait, I think I blinked.

-Okay, I'll take another one.
-Mum!

-One more.
-(THERMOMETER DINGS)

Actually, don't worry.

Oh. Right.
That's it. Drink.

-Oi.
-BESS: I'm going to the chemist.

What just happened?

COMMENTATOR ON TV:
He went to the outside.

There was nearly contact
with Thompson and Hutchence.

We're underway.
Lap one of 40.

And everybody upstairs...

-What's that?
-What? This?

It's just my maths test.
Pardon? That is an 'A'.

What I mean is,
what's that on your eyebrow?

My piercing.

I got it with Dad.
You've seen it.

What I haven't seen

is my good sterling silver
sleeper through it.

Well, it will get infected
if I wear the one Dad bought.

Bad luck. Take it out.

Seriously? This is what happens
when I get an 'A'?

(SIGHS)
Sorry, bub, it's great.

-KAYNE: Dinner!
-You didn't get the job?

Dinner!

We heard you the first time,
you dickhead!

-Bess was amazing.
-She really was.

-And you had no idea?
-I had no idea.

I can't believe she did
a full diagnosis.

Tonsillitis, just like that.

And the whole time, I thought
we were talking about Beyonce.

Bess is very clever,
isn't she?

I don't know,
is Bess clever

or is Brianna
just a fuckin' idiot?

Swear jar, Amber, and double
because that was mean.

I don't know why
you wouldn't be happy

that Bess helped Brianna

or why you wouldn't be proud
because your sister's a doctor.

So what if she's a doctor.

If we went to a posh school
with private tutors,

we'd all be doctors, too.

Well, I would anyway.
But as if.

You're born into medical school,
you don't just get to go.

Wish I had been instead
of into this shithole.

She didn't get the job.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

That's terrible news
about the promotion, love.

Whatever.

Did they give you a reason?

Yep. Digby Nolan hates my guts.

Who's Digby Nolan?

He's the state CEO of HR.

He's like the King of the North.

-Ooh.
-Ah.

And he has a problem
with the way I talk.

I'm gonna e-bomb his Facebook.

Apparently you're supposed
to bullshit people

with their crap ideas
for businesses

that are gonna fail
in three months.

What kind of snob's
not on Facebook?

Maybe he just wants you to

choose your words
more carefully.

Words that are less R-rated.

If Digby Nolan
ever stepped foot in a branch

and actually met
one of the numbskulls

who's asking us for money,
he'd bloody swear, too.

-This him?
-Oh, jeez, Shawn!

-Would you put that away?
-Nan.

Hold on, hold on.
Hold that there.

I think I saw Margaret.
Let's have a look.

Hang on. There. Look.

The Board of
the Old Throssingtonians.

What the fuck's
an Old Throssingtonian?

Maybe it's something to do
with Oscar and Edwina's school.

(AMBER SIGHS)
Throssington Grammar.

Yeah, that'd be right.

I bet that's what
they call ex-students.

BOTH:
Old Throssingtonians.

You know what they call
the ex-students from my school?

Cell Block Nine.
I'm going to bed.

Oh! What an unexpected... Visit.

-We didn't call.
-Oh, you should have.

Here's one out of
left field for you.

Do you know a bloke
called Nolan Digby?

Digby Nolan.

-Is it?
-Mm.

It's so confusing
the way posh people

use surnames as first names.

I do know Digby Nolan.
Do you?

She knows him!

-(WHISTLES)
-Get out!

No, Wayne...
They're for decoration.

You're joking.
They look so real.

-They are real.
-But not for eating.

No, they're for
sitting in a bowl.

Like we do the pebbles,
Margaret does pears.

And you don't ever eat one?

If you're desperate
for some fruit,

I could cut you up
some pineapple.

Oh, no, no, no.
He's fine, Margaret.

We had Subway on the way over.

Anyway, look, we just...
We just thought

that because...

Because it's all about
who you know, right,

we thought that you might be
able to put in a good word

for Amber.

I'm sorry.
I don't think I can.

-Told ya.
-Oi! Feet!

Yeah, look, I know
it's a bit of a curly one

because you don't actually
know whether Amber's

-good at her job or not.
-It's not that.

Heavens, if we only
put in a good word

for those who
genuinely deserved it,

then nobody in our circle
would speak at all. (CHUCKLES)

Don't understand.

Digby Nolan is an arrogant,

lazy show pony.

But enough about
his good points.

(LAUGHING)

Suffice to say,
I'm not speaking to him.

Did you have a bit of
a dust-up in the boardroom?

We don't have dust-ups, Wayne.

We think it's better to get
our point across in silence.

So, why do you hate
Digby so much?

-What did he do?
-What didn't he do?

The school cloister upgrade.

It's Digby's project, but
it's over budget and stalled.

Digby conveniently put me
in charge of the finances,

so I do all the work,

he gets the cloister wing
named in his honour.

What a cock.

The truth is,
I don't have a head for finance.

And Stilton, my accountant,
is in Europe.

Stilton?
Is that his first name,

'cause that sounds like
a surname, doesn't it?

Digby's neglect
is damaging the school.

What if the cloister wing
upgrade doesn't happen?

Why doesn't Amber have a flick
through the cloister budget?

'Cause Amber doesn't know
what a fuckin' cloister is.

A cloister is a covered walkway.

Like at Westfield,
connecting the buildings.

A cloister is
a covered stone walkway.

Ours is at the south end
of the quadrangle.

I'm with you now.
Like at Hogwarts.

Yeah, so there you go.

You get the finance plan back
on track for the cloister wing.

Margaret gets to tell Digby
who helped her.

It's a... It's a win-win.

Feet!

Danny! I'm leaving!

Love you!

-Oh.
-Oh, hi, Brianna.

-How you feeling?
-Oh, so much better.

Thanks to you.
You have cured me of my phobia.

-Oh, great.
-Totally.

Because now you can have
a look at my ingrown toenail.

Ooh.

-Oh, are you on your way out?
-No, no, of course not.

Just Pilates,
but this won't take long.

-Cool.
-KAYNE: Great.

Because also Mum said she thinks
that my ears need syringing.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Shawn.
I didn't see you there.

-I think my eyebrow's infected.
-Okay.

Alright.

Danny, can you pick up Oscar?
He's just texted.

-Uh, no.
-I can't go.

I'm in the middle
of lancing Kayne's boil.

Actually, I could
use you in surgery.

Why are they still here?

It's a very big boil.

You've already missed
your Pilates class.

Well, Shawn has
an infection on his piercing

and a spot of asthma
and I can't say no.

-Except to me.
-Oh, I know how to do that.

Alright, I'll get him.
Where is he?

He is at the market hall
with capsicums.

Market hall with capsicums?

BOTH:
He's at basketball with Caspian!

Danny, now you've got him
making mistakes with her.

What? It's sweet!

Confusing 'capsicum'
with 'Caspian.'

She's adorable.

Not a she.

AMBER: So I've been going
through all the quotes

-for the new walkway.
-Cloister.

Can I be frank?

I'm not sure you can
be anything else.

There's a reason
you're so over budget.

You are being ripped off.

These quotes are bullshit.
Look at this one.

$350,000 for the tiling.

-Mosaic.
-You call it mosaic,

I call it a massive
fuckin' shakedown.

But this is
the Cardinelles' company.

They're all Throssingtonians.

They have children
at the school now.

And they're building
the school fees into that quote.

You are being robbed
left, right, and centre.

I think we're only being
robbed on the right.

Don't tell me
all these quotes...

The stonemasons,
the carpenter,

the ironmongers...

These are all
Old Throssingtonians?

-Are they all overcharging?
-Why wouldn't they?

They know you're not
gonna use anyone else.

The aim is to keep it
in the Throssington family.

(SIGHS) Have you had a look
at Buckingham Palace?

That's what happens
when you keep it in the family.

DANNY:
Good morning, little lady.

What would you like
to do this morning?

WOMAN ON RECORDING: My wants
are very little, Danny.

-(DANNY GIGGLES)
-Are you flirting with her?

She's not a her.

Look at what you're doing to me.

You're making me think
she's a she... It's a she.

If she's not a she or a her,

then how can I be
flirting with her?

There was a time when you'd wake
up in the morning and pester me

and now you only pester her.

She's not a her.

Baby, baby, listen to me.

WOMAN ON RECORDING:
Yes, I can hear you, Danny.

-Why is she still talking?
-No, no, no!

-Can she do this?
-No.

No, not like this,
she can't.

(BESS GIGGLING)

Yep, nah, this isn't gonna work.

I will not be replaced
by a SIM card.

She's not a SIM card.
This isn't about her.

This is about your parents
at the window.

-(TAPS ON WINDOW)
-Wayne burned his hand

on the barbie last night,
can you take a look?

Or we can come back
when you've finished.

BOTH:
We're finished.

Ah. You're all here...
Again.

Yeah, we were all feeling
a bit sniffily,

so we thought we'd better
hotfoot it over to the clinic.

MARGARET: Sorry!

I'm sorry!

I had to get my dry-cleaning.

And I ran into Pat
from VIEW Club,

who was desperate
for some help

with a gift for her
grandson's night nanny.

A night nanny?
Oh, bloody hell.

Aren't you coming?

No, the project's on budget.

You just tell Digby I did it.
That was the deal.

Do you want
the promotion or not?

I didn't not get the promotion
because I'm not capable.

I didn't get it
because I'm not one of you.

Yes. I see.

Hold.

You must be joking.

You might not be one of us.

It won't hurt you
to look like one of us.

Zip.

Never seen you without
your pearls on.

I do feel rather naked.

Can we lose the hoops?

And just keep the ones
I've got to jump through?

Could've been me, you know?

What?

I'm Wayne and Julie's,
just like Bess.

What if you'd got me instead?

I like your pearls.

They belong to me.

Uh... I wasn't asking for them.

No. Sorry. Thanks.

Uh, shall we begin with

the fundraising campaign
for the scholarship fund?

-He's not even here.
-Digby's always late.

He likes to remind us
how busy he is.

But, uh, just promise me

you won't put butter
on a burn again, Wayne.

-Okay.
-KAYNE: Yeah, Dad,

my toast tasted horrible.

Yes, and running water is best.

The butter thing
is an old wives' tale.

Speaking of old wives,
Jules, your turn.

-(LAUGHING)
-Oi!

Actually, I was just reading
about Rebecca Gibney's

health scare.
She's fine, but, Bess,

maybe you should give me
a full check-up.

Uh-huh.

Would you mind just
hanging on for a minute?

What are you doing?

Looking for an exit.
It's quite a big jump.

Do you think we could fit
a mattress through here?

Do you think you could
just tell the Wheelers

that you're not their GP?

To stop coming to you
with their ailments?

Oh, to find another doctor?

I still like the mattress idea.

Just tell them
you don't have time for this.

Yes!

You tell them we don't
have time for this...

-No.
-...because we have plans.

No. Yes! Yes!
I'll use my voice activation.

-What? No!
-Yes, it's perfect.

You'll be with... A patient

and I will be in the...
Waiting room

and I'll text you using her

and everybody will hear me say
that we need to leave for the...

How to Host a Murder Party.

Triathlon.

-Gallery opening?
-There we go.

Why do we have to use her?

Because I want to prove to you

that she works.

-Fine.
-And then you'll need

to thank her
and apologise to her

for being rough with her
this morning.

You cannot fit
a mattress out there.

-Alright.
-Mm-hm.

Yeah, I'm on a 6am,
so I'll miss it, but, uh...

(CHUCKLES)
No rest indeed. Alright.

Digby, we're up to
the cloister wing renovation,

about which there were
some budgetary concerns.

Mm-hm. Margaret was gonna start
the ball rolling on that.

-Thanks, Margaret.
-There was budgetary concern

over the cloister upgrade...

So much so that Digby
thought it advisable

to hire a financial strategist.

Digby insisted that
the services we obtain

be of an impeccable standard.

In fact, he demanded

I use my personal
financial consultant.

As usual, he was right.
Weren't you, Digby?

I'm pleased to announce that
the cloister upgrade project

is on track
to begin as scheduled.

I'll hand over now to someone
far cleverer than I...

Amber Wheeler.

Try not to swear like a sailor.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you, Margaret,

and thank you, Mr Spencer,

Mr Barton, Mr Gerner,
and Miss Kirby.

They're their first names.

Oh, okay, sorry.

Um, as Margaret said,

the, um, cloister project
was in, um...

Well, it was f...

It needed...

I can't do this. Sorry.

I don't know what to tell
you all, except that I had no...

Amber!

Say it in your own words.
Tell us what we did wrong.

You're a shithouse board.
No offence.

Margaret, you need
to get her out of here.

Digby, you are
haemorrhaging money

because you have only
contracted companies

run by people you've
played hockey or croquet

or the fucking tuba with
and you don't care

that they charge
like a wounded bull.

It's a little more
complicated than that.

No! I've been listening to
this bullshit about fundraising.

I've requoted
your cloister project...

Which, by the way, I had a look,
it's just a bloody walkway...

And I've saved you
half a million dollars.

(WHISPERING)

Put that in
your scholarship fund.

-Send a text message to my wife.
-Yeah, sorry, mate.

Not too crash-hot
at the texts...

-My fingers are a bit big.
-No, no, I was just, um...

WOMAN ON RECORDING: What would
you like to say to Bess Denyar?

-Who said that?
-It's the voice activation.

I'm sending
a text message to Bess.

I keep telling Pop
he should use it

instead of trying to type.

So you tell the phone
to send a text?

-Told ya, Pop.
-And you just say the message?

-Yeah, so I wanna say...
-And she sends it?

WOMAN ON RECORDING: What would
you like to say to Bess Denyar?

Excuse me, Doctor. Your patients
are really banking up out here.

-(LAUGHTER)
-(JULIE INHALES SHARPLY)

You sure there's nothing?
Wayne said he heard a crackle.

And the PVC piping's
usually a good conductor.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh. Excuse me, Julie.

That's, uh, Danny.

It's probably about our plans
for this afternoon.

What plans?

Doctor, I've been
waiting for hours.

-This is worse than Emergency!
-(LAUGHING)

Actually, I think I should...

My turn, my turn,
my turn, my turn.

Put your pants back on,
please, Julie.

They really didn't need
to come off in the first place.

Do you think my plantar wart
is gonna burn itself off?

-(LAUGHING)
-No, no, don't hurt her!

I mean...

Honey, we're gonna be late
for the gallery opening.

-What gallery opening?
-The gallery opening that...

That we made up because I didn't
know how to ask you all to leave

and stop showing me your burns

and your blisters
and your bunions.

I didn't get to
show you my bunion.

I'm not your doctor,
this is not a clinic,

and these messages are rude.

You got them, though.

I'm just saying... She works.

JULIE:
Bessie, I'm so sorry.

We didn't mean to
take advantage of you.

-No, of course not.
-I'm so sorry, Bess.

It's just since Dr Houlihan
stopped bulk-billing,

we've really
let things pile up.

How long have you
had that boil, Kayne?

Um, it's been pussy
since March.

Okay, please don't make me
relive the boil.

I'm your sister
and your daughter

and I can't be your doctor.

WOMAN ON RECORDING: Do you want
me to find you a doctor?

No! Actually, yes.

Leave me alone!

-(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
-(BELCHES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Go away!

I'm sorry to intrude.

You left so quickly.
(MUSIC STOPS)

I ran after your car, but...

Nought to 100 in seven seconds.

Oh, shit! Your pearls.

I wasn't trying to
nick off with them.

No, I wanted you to come back
so the board could thank you.

The board I called idiots.

When you save people
half a million dollars,

you can call them
whatever you like.

-They loved you.
-And what about Digby?

You dug Digby out of
a giant hole like a worm.

He's organising
a plaque for you

on a seat in the theatre.

And my promotion?

I'm afraid the job
has gone to someone else.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(DOG BARKING)

(GRUNTS)

That's quite a kick you have.

I don't think
you met Kirby properly.

Kirby Dundas.

I didn't know you were out here.

Kirby was very keen
to speak with you.

I wasn't sure there
was room in your cabin.

Is this about the pearls?

I... I run a small private
equity investment firm,

and after seeing you tonight,

I think you would make
a perfect financial analyst.

Me?

Well, before I invest
in any company,

I need to know it's secure.

I'd like to hire you to check

that the figures
aren't fabricated.

-Bullshit.
-Exactly.

Would you have another of those?

Sure. There's room inside.

If Margaret stands.

Seriously, 'Kirby',
that's your name? (CHUCKLES)

DANNY:
You are incredible.

(BESS MOANS)

(BOTH SIGH)

WOMAN ON RECORDING:
You're not so bad yourself.