All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S01E03_English

♪ Come on home

♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You know I'm waiting here
for you

♪ I'm coming home now
real soon

♪ You been gone
♪ Coming home, baby, now

♪ You don't know
what I'm going through

♪ I'm coming home
I know I'm overdue

♪ Since you went away

♪ Expect me any day now
real soon

♪ I'm coming home and
never more to roam

♪ Baby, tell me you're...

♪ Baby,
I'm for sure coming home

♪ I'm coming home
♪ Come on home. ♪

It's totally shattered.
I can't even text.

Can I please have a new
screen?

Yes. If you pay for it
yourself.

How else will you learn
to look after it?

- I've lost my phone again.
- Not by watching my parents.

I didn't say we were
role models.

I'm running late for Wayne and
Julie. Where's my phone?

(Ringtone plays)
- Wow. I want that app.

Mum! Something's happened.
I can't see.

Oscar, take those out.

Remember what happened
with the walnuts?

Hi, Mum.

Darling! Have you got
any plans?

It's going to be
a beautiful day.

Today?

I'm not forecasting
the weather.

Yes, today.

I thought we might head out to
the gallery at Heide.

There's a new exhibition
in the sculpture garden there

that everyone's talking about.

You hate sculpture.

But I love the chicken
sandwiches in the cafe.

I'm sorry, Mum, I can't today.
I've got work.

- But today's your day off.
- No, it's not.

Edwina scanned your roster
and emailed it to me.

Oh, did she?
That is very helpful of her.

No, when I say work,
it's not work

as in it's not a shift
on my roster.

It's actually a stop work
meeting.

Good grief, a what? You're a
doctor, not a railway worker.

Yes. But, um, we are still
having some issues

just in terms of conditions
and pay.

Not that I agree with all of
them, of course,

because I'm very well paid,
obviously, and...

Very bad at lying.

Anyway, the point
is that I'm tied up today.

Oh, look at that. You're here.

A stop work meeting?

When on earth did the AMA
become so unseemly?

This is what happens when they
start offering medical degrees

at Wollongong University.

That's appalling.

They've been handing them out
for some time apparently.

What you said is appalling.
How can you be such a snob?

I know it's fashionable
to be inclusive

but I raised you to be
better than that.

The Denyars don't stop work.

Well, as it happens, I'm not
totally a Denyar, am I?

- I'm actually a Wheeler too.
- I wouldn't say that.

I know, not even
while being waterboarded.

You may have raised me

but I come
from a family of drag racers.

- Don't speak like that.
- I'll go and see them now.

They're going to
the stop work meeting?

I was sure they'd rope you
into something like that.

There is no stop work meeting.

I made that up because
I didn't want you to be upset

that I was spending the day
with the Wheelers.

- You are?
- With Wayne and Julie.

Isn't there some stop work
meeting you should be at?

Well, where are you going?

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

They're taking me somewhere.
It's a surprise.

Perhaps they're taking you
somewhere with a dress code.

That'd be a surprise.

You just be careful.
You don't know these people.

- They're not like us.
- They're not like you.

Ta-da! Isn't she a beauty?

She sure is.

You didn't guess we were
coming out here, did you?

No, I did not.

Thought you worked it out

when we headed
towards the raceway.

I told you we should have used
the blindfold.

I didn't have a clue where we
were. Never been here before.

- Never?
- Not even at school?

Surely your school
had an excursion or something.

Did they ever hold
an outdoor arts festival here?

But it's lovely, isn't it?

Oh, I'm so excited
to see you drive.

- Wow!
- We're not driving.

- You are.
- We bought you a hot lap!

I have never heard of a hot
lap but I'm getting one.

I'm so turned on right now.
Say hot lap again.

Danny, I'm serious!

So am I.
What are you wearing?

Something that stops me
from bursting into flames.

I may die but
at least I won't burn.

And not turned on anymore.

Why are they doing this?

They wanted to make up for
birthdays and Christmases

that they've missed out on.

How long would it take
the helicopter to get here

- from Accident and Emergency?
- Bessy!

- Love you, Danny.
- You don't have to do this.

I have to! They got a hot lap

for all their kids
on their 21st birthday.

It's some sort of rite
of passage.

So?
You're not their other kids.

OK, I want you to listen to
me. What I say goes.

If I say accelerate,
I want you to hammer it.

When I say brake,

I want you to plant both your
feet so hard on that pedal

that you think your eyes are
gonna pop right off your face.

- Right?
- Yep.

Wayne, hop out, mate.

What would you say about me
riding shotgun, Tone?

Just this once?

I'd say what I say every time
you try this on. Get out.

You're the boss.

OK, both hands on the wheel
like you mean it.

You are driving, not dusting.
Jesus!

- Got any gold coins?
- Piss off, Wayne.

Last chance for me
to do the honours, Tony.

Julie!

You're not doing the hot lap.
Let it go.

Wayne, if you want to do it
instead of me, I don't mind.

- Accelerate!
- Just go. Go! Go, baby!

Go, baby!

I feel terrible she had to
wait so long for this.

- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Go where?

- Just go!
- Why are you yelling at me?

Go!

Happy birthday!

Merry Christmas!

Come on, take the corner.

Hard in, deep out!
Hard in, deep out!

I don't understand
what that means!

- Go hard!
- That is so rude!

Ooh, she took that well.

Yeah, textbook.
Hard in, deep out.

TONY: Flat chat
in the straight!

Can you please say something
that I understand?

- Go, go!
- Thank you!

TONY: Come on, hard in,
deep out.

Hard in, deep out.

Hard in, deep out.
I know! I know!

Oh, my God! Whoa... Aah...

Driving into corners -

you've got to take
the shortest line possible

which means you've got to turn
the wheel really, really hard

- and then get back over here.
- Go right ahead.

I wasn't happy with the
kitchen there anyway.

I was incredible, baby.
Incredible.

I was so fast. You should have
seen me on the final straight.

Foot flat on the floor, Wayne
and Julie were cheering me on.

All this without dying.

Yeah! Do you know
why I didn't die?

Because it'd be really bad
for the hot lap core business.

Because I'm a Wheeler.
Don't you see?

I had the time of my life
out there

in spite of my mum raising me

to think of the car
as a death trap.

I've always been way too
cautious because of her.

Anyway, the point is,
today I wasn't cautious.

I wasn't scared.
I was a maniac out there!

Oh, for the first time
in my life,

I felt like I really belonged.

I don't feel so weird
about going

to Brianna's birthday party
anymore. I can really fit in.

Do you still want to go,
honey? What? What's wrong?

- What?
- Parent-teacher interviews.

BOTH: Bags Edwina!
- No, no, no, no, no!

You did Edwina last year.
I did Oscar, remember?

You probably don't
because it was me, not you,

who was asked
by five different teachers

whether Oscar had been
psychologically tested.

Two of them asked whether

I'd been psychologically
tested.

- Fine. We'll both go.
(Doorbell rings)

What? No!
That's not what I meant.

Oh! You're home.

I didn't think you'd be back
from the country yet.

Wayne and Julie don't live
in the country.

When you get
that far down the freeway,

it's either the country
or a holiday.

Margaret, hey!
This must be Conway.

Yes. Conway, this is my
daughter, Bess, and Danny.

- Hi.
- Hi.

OK. Oscar's in his room
so just come on through.

Conway is Margaret's birthday
present to Oscar.

- The maths tutor?
- Yeah.

I told you
we weren't going to do that.

Three little words -
parent teacher interview.

Or as Oscar would say,
seven little words.

So you're at uni?
That's so cool.

Do you sleep in a lot?

My friend Caspian's brother
is at uni,

he sleeps in all the time.

One time,
he slept for three days

after he had 18 beers
at the uni bar.

Then me and Caspian wondered
what it would be like

to have 18 drinks of anything.

So I had four bottles of
creamy soda

and my guts practically
exploded

all over the toilet...

Here's the deal.

I'll do your homework if you
don't speak to me again.

He's extremely bright.

He won the university maths
medal last year.

Pat actually wore it to View
Club one day.

It was terribly infra dig.

- Pat?
- Conway's Pat's grandson.

That's a big pork belly,
isn't it?

I thought that you didn't like
Pat.

Well, I didn't know about the
maths medal.

It looks delicious, Danny.

Didn't know you were a fan
of raw pork.

Would you like to stay for
dinner, Mum?

What, tonight? Ooh, I'll have
to check my calendar.

Oh, yes, Sunday.

Pat wants to invite you all
to an MCC luncheon

with the Australian cricket
team.

She wants to return
the favour.

What favour? I thought you
were paying Conway to tutor.

The MCC.
The Australian cricket team?

Did you want this really
crispy, Margaret?

- Really crispy.
- This Sunday? No, we can't.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Because it's Brianna's
birthday.

Julie's invited us for lunch.

So?

I've missed all the birthdays.

Exactly. One more
won't make any difference.

She'll have
another birthday next year.

I won't get to be
in the same room

- as Michael Clarke next year.
- They're not comparable.

You're right because
Brianna is not the Captain

of the Australian cricket
team.

Danny! I can't believe
you're being so selfish!

Me selfish?!

Do you know how valuable
these tickets are?

Do you know how hard
they are to come by?

Why is Pat being so generous?

What's wrong with Conway?

There's nothing wrong with
Conway.

Pat's just grateful that
he's out. Meeting people.

You know
what bright people are like.

Can be difficult to tear them
away from the computer.

MAN: Oh, your bathrobe.
It has slipped.

WOMAN: Perhaps you could help
me untangle it.

BESS: 61.
DANNY: Oh, of course it is.

Good.

Oh, awesome!

Do we get breadcrumbs

in case we can't find our way
back to the car?

Get out, please. Both of you.

Why can't you design houses
like this, Dad?

Because then
I would have to kill myself.

That's horrible.

Not as horrible
as that house.

I told you not to come

and go to the stupid
cricket thing with my mother.

I know what that meant -

'Sure, go to the cricket
thing with my mother.

But don't expect sex anytime,
ever.'

You really should have gone
to the cricket thing.

Same outcome.

Seriously?
You are unbelievable.

No matter how angry I am with
you, I still want to have sex.

Who said chivalry was dead?

- Mum!
- Hey, big sister!

Hey, little sis...
Uh, birthday girl.

Oh, my God!
Is this what I think it is?

Are you serious?

Travel hot rollers!
How did you know?

Thank you so much.
I love them.

- When the fuck do you travel?
- Amber.

JULIE, WAYNE: Swear jar.
- For race days,

keep them in the truck. I'm
the face of Wheeler Racing.

- You are not!
- And she's the arsehole.

- Brianna!
- She is.

That's hardly the point,
though, is it?

- I'll go put these on.
- So, come on. Come through.

BESS: Oh, wow,
look at this place.

- It's so big!
- Thank you.

Yeah, we went
for the deluxe version.

You can't put a price on
space, can you?

Yeah, you can.
We've got a mortgage

the size of Jupiter
to prove it but we love it.

Oh, I can see why.

You must use
a lot of energy in here.

That's why I have a big
breakfast.

The stairs alone wear me out.

I didn't mean that kind.

Edwina, have you seen
the outdoor kitchen?

Are you Jewish?

That's a bit personal.

Is it Kosher or something?
Why do you have two kitchens?

Two kitchens, three garages
and how many bathrooms?

Five.

Six if you count the one
in the bungalow.

Six bathrooms? Cool!

Cool! I know! Wow!

So cool! I mean, I just...

Oh, I just really envy
this kind of space.

We just don't get this kind of
space where we are.

Well, there's a difference
between space and size.

No, there's not. Anyway,
it's the size that I love.

I mean, it just feels like

a beautiful home for a family,
doesn't it?

OSCAR: Wish we lived here,
Mum.

I know. I can see us living
here, I really can.

- Yes!
- Look at the room in here.

(Gasps)

I've got that colander.
How freaky is that?

I have got that exact
same colander!

And these glasses?
I've got these glasses!

This is exactly like my
kitchen!

Hey! Where's this dragster
we've heard so much about?

Will we get to see it or what?

Want to help me
clear the driveway?

- Yeah!
- OK, you can drive.

JULIE: Come on, sweetie.

Baby, baby, baby! I'm sorry
for not supporting you.

Didn't realise how mental
you were feeling about this

but now I see. And I'm sorry.

Because you're being mental

about living out here,
aren't you? Baby?

This is where
the magic happens.

- You ready?
- Yep.

One, two, three.

Geez, Kayne.
Right in front of you.

- The big can!
- I can't see it.

(Both laugh)

Is that you, Mum?
Did you turn the lights off?

Turn 'em back on. We're trying
to fix the engine over here!

(Laughs) Oh, Kayne,
don't be so insensitive.

How's that supposed
to make your father feel?

- It's funny.
- Hey, I didn't see you there.

Because you had the golf balls
in your eyes.

That was hilarious,
Uncle Kayne.

BESS: Hi, Kayne. Hi, Shawn.

Can I please get in the Janis?

Just promise not to take off
and nip down the shops.

- Alright?
- I won't.

Has Bess told you
what a natural she is, Danny?

- She mentioned it.
- Dad! Check it out.

A real, actual, in the flesh
Top Fuel Dragster.

That is pretty special.
How fast does that go?

Zero to 320 miles per hour
in 4.6 seconds.

What he said.

Horsepower starts at 7,000
and its maximum RPM at 8,300.

It runs on 95% nitromethane,

which is why you get the
awesome flames out the back.

That is exactly right.
You're amazing, Oscar.

I learnt your website off
by heart.

Did he say he learned it
by heart?

Did he say he learned
something?

Do you want to take
the engine apart with me?

Can we do it with golf balls
in our eyes?

Even when I was coming down
the final straight

with my foot flat on the
floor, he was yelling at me.

Oh, no, thanks, Amber,
I can't drink beer.

- It gives me terrible reflux.
- (Burps) Doesn't stop me.

JULIE: Go on, Bess.

Amber, Amber, Bess is telling
us about Tony and the hot lap.

He would not stop screaming
at me the whole time.

I felt like we were married.

That's how he talks to his
wife, isn't it?

You know,
Tony shouts at Cheryl.

(Laughs) He totally does.

He yells at her,
'Cheryl, we're leaving!'

'Cheryl! Cheryl!
Get me a burger!'

Imagine them having sex!

'Cheryl, get on top!'

But that is how I'd talk
to Cheryl if she was my wife,

to get off that big lumpy arse
of hers.

Do you know she's starting
Zumba?

Oh, yeah, that'd be right.

She'd fit right in.

How ridiculous is that Zumba?

I can't believe a stupid craze
like that can just take off.

A stupid craze
for stupid lumpy arses.

Mum was being sarcastic.

Cheryl won't actually fit in

because people like us do
Zumba.

Hang on, which Zumba
are you talking about?

Are y-you talking about
the one with the bouncy poles?

And the balloons?

Where you hit the balloons
with the bouncy poles.

That's Zumba, isn't it?
Or is that, um, Zamba.

Oh, that's that one, Zamba,
isn't it, Danny?

No, Zumba is, like,
a dance class

where you do all
the Latin moves.

Me and Mum
are addicted, aren't we?

- We go all the time.
- Yeah, we do.

Bess, you should totally
come with us!

Oh, my God,
that would be so much fun.

- Bess doesn't like Zumba.
- No, she doesn't like Zamba.

- Zamba.
- Come, Bess!

Come and be a Wheeler girl!

Yay!

So finally they said, 'We'll
let the uncle name the twins.'

I said, 'What do you want
to name the girl?'

He said, 'Denise.'

I said,
'Oh, that's a lovely name.

What do you want to name
the boy?'

He said, 'Denephew'.

- We're having kebabs, mate.
- I'm hungry, Pop.

Why don't you fix your screen?

- What?
- Denise, Denephew.

Good, isn't it?

Your iPhone. How can you stand
it being busted?

It costs $100 to fix it.

Can you hit stop if the cheese
starts exploding?

Look at those two there.
They're really hitting it off.

DANNY, BESS: Yeah.

Kayne, why'd you put marker
all over my good golf balls?

We had to see the engine.

Dad, we have to get the O-man
into Team Wheeler.

He calls me the O-man.
Can I get it on a T-shirt?

He is unbelievable with the
engine.

He knows exactly what to do.

I took heaps of it apart
all by myself, Dad.

- He did.
- OK.

Ouch! I hurt my eye, Mum.
Can you get the drops?

That happened to me one time
with walnuts.

Are you serious?
How did you do that?

Thank you.

- Do you want money for it?
- I don't charge for family.

(Knock on door)

Hi, Amber.

I am... I'm really sorry
about the Zumba thing.

I was just trying to fit in.

Stop trying to fit in
'cause you don't.

Well, how do you know?

Maybe I'm more of a Wheeler
than you think.

You should have seen me
on that hot lap.

- I really, really loved it.
- So what?

Who wouldn't love a hot lap?

That doesn't make you
one of us.

Really?

No, it's opposite day.
I didn't mean it.

Yes, really.

I've read all that stuff about

nature versus nurture
and guess what?

It's bullshit.

BESS: Well.

We shall see about that.

BRIANNA: We rocked that class.
Bess, you were incredible.

Yeah, come on.
To the Wheeler girls.

ALL: The Wheeler girls!
- Amber.

Thing about us Wheeler
girls... (Burps)

..we know how
to hold our liquor.

Right.
I'll get the next round.

(Poker machine ringing)

BESS: No, really.

Can you imagine
if I had never met you?

I would probably have gone
through my whole life

- without ever going in a V8.
- That's so sad.

(Ringtone plays)
- I know!

Whose phone keeps ringing
and ringing? Is that...

Ooh, it's mine!

It's the cheese and kisses.

Hey, baby.

- OK, where are you?
- I'm with the Wheeler girls!

Where are you?

I'm in the kitchen making
dinner,

the early dinner
that we agreed on

because we're going to
parent-teacher interviews.

- Oopsy daisy.
- Are you drunk?

Are you...

Just tell me
that you're not drunk

and that you can get in a car

- and meet me straightaway.
- Oopsy daisy.

Oh, come on. OK, OK.

OK. I get it, OK?

They're your family.
I get that.

But what about this family,
alright? What about me?

I can't believe
I'm going to have

to face Oscar's shitty
teachers alone.

Again. It was your turn!

No, you won't. I'll be there.

- I promise.
- Oh, really? How?

I'm not inebriated.

I'm just overheated from the
Zamba. The Zumba.

I told you mixing in their
circles was a mistake,

didn't I?

You know you can't handle
getting 'overheated'.

I will tell you what was a
mistake.

Buying a two-litre engine.
No wonder my car broke down.

Funny, it started
when I tried it.

I can see now that it's
underpowered,

given the weight of the car.

We should have gone
with a V6 petrol.

Thanks for picking me up, Mum.

Darling.

Are we here? OK.

Where are you meeting Danny?

He has brought you a change of
clothes, hasn't he?

I'll call you tomorrow.
Love you.

You can't go in wearing a
tracksuit, for heaven's sake.

You look like someone
from Underbelly.

At least take
those earrings out.

They're exactly the same type
that Roberta Williams wore.

Oscar Bright.

That's ironic, isn't it?
Bright.

Close. Irish, isn't it, Dad?

Right. Attendance. Let's see.

Well, I've marked Oscar
as being absent

for much of this semester.

But I've been in every class!

Still.

(Commotion)

Oopsy daisy.

Ah, Zumba.

Hello. So sorry that I'm late.

I was in surgery. Hello.

- Have I missed much?
- Uh, everything.

But you're here just in time
for maths.

Ah! Have you told, um, uh...

- Mr Lloyd.
- Oscar has a tutor.

His name's Conway.

But is Conway tutoring him
in maths?

OK, look, we know
Oscar's grades aren't perfect

but we really don't need
the...

Oscar's grades actually are
the least of your troubles.

Now there's a sentence
I never thought I'd say.

What's that supposed to mean?

The school-issued laptops

have an inbuilt security
system

which alert us when students
access unsavoury material.

Well, that could be anything
in this place.

What's he done, looked up
the Greens home page?

Twice in the past fortnight,

Oscar's laptop has been used

to log into hardcore
pornographic sites.

What, like, dirty stuff?

Dad, I promise, I never...
I wouldn't!

Well, Oscar was clever enough
to hide his visits.

Not clever enough to know
about our software.

Did you say Oscar was clever?

Thank you, but we all know
Oscar's not clever.

Oh!

He'd never be able
to hide his searches.

- Conway.
- (Gasps) Conway!

Sweetheart, did Conway show
you anything

that he was looking at?

He told me to listen
to my iPod

while he did my homework
on my laptop.

He did your homework
without you?

Why weren't his grades better?

I'm really sorry, Mum.

Oh, sweetheart, you don't have
anything to be sorry about.

He's the one that has to be
sorry.

Do you know
what your problem is?

Should we be identifying
problems?

You are so worried about
marks, grades and... marks

that you don't see
the whole person.

Look at Conway.

Yes, he has a university maths
medal

but he's a dirty porn addict.

So there! Education is more
than just aca...

- acada... academica...
- Academia.

You sit here in your ivory
tower,

which is not an ivory tower,

it's a classroom with
very well appointed features

because the school fees
are so bloody outlandish.

OK! On that note...

Half of my family
did not even finish school

and they are happy
and they are smart.

Oh, well, Amber's not.

Amber's not happy.
But she is smart.

And my point is, my point is,
school is not everything.

Yeah. That's why
I'm leaving in Year 10.

- Yeah. What?
- I'm gonna be a mechanic.

Mmm, no.

- Mechanic?
- Kayne says I'm a natural.

We'll talk about this
at home.

You'll be staying
until Year 12.

Or now, if you want.

I can go to TAFE to do
an apprenticeship when I'm 16.

- You won't be going to TAFE.
- That's what I want to do.

I love cars.

Alright, alright,
well, if you love cars,

then you can think about
Engineering at Melbourne.

You said it didn't matter if
people didn't finish school.

But I wasn't talking about us.
I was talking about them.

BESS: No, don't wake me.

I might remember last night.

I'm trying to remember
my favourite moment.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Falling over a chair
on the way in.

Falling over the Principal
on the way out.

I wanted to be
a Wheeler girl.

While sending your son
to Melbourne University?

- Is that what I really think?
- Mmm.

I'm so confused.
Who am I, Danny?

Well, last night
you looked like a Wheeler

but you sounded pure Margaret.

I think it's going
to take more

than a hot lap and a tracksuit
to change that upbringing.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's OK. Who cares?

Baby, you were being you,
my gorgeous wife.

And when you stood up
to that teacher,

you were being the best person
in the world.

You were defending your son.

That was just before
I crushed his dreams, right?

Just moments before.

(Revving)

(Honking)

AMBER: How much did that cost?

Must be nice to fork out
$100 cab fares

whenever you get untidy.

La-di-fucken-da.

Oh, my God, Amber, I get it!
I'm not like you.

(Laughs) I'm a doctor.
I drive a European car.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for
trying to find a way

to get close to my mother
and father

and brother and sisters.

I don't know
what you expect me to do.

It's not my fault that they
gave... that I'm different.

That I didn't get to grow up
like you.

(Banging on door)

Ever put this thing
in sport mode?

What?

There's a sports gear
on this model. I looked it up.

See the S on the shaft?

Whack it in that,
you'll get tons more torque.

You'd like it. So, yeah.