All language subtitles for Upper.Middle.Bogan.S01E01_English

♪ Coming home
♪ Coming home baby now

♪ You know I'm waiting here
for you

♪ I'm coming home now real
soon

♪ You've been gone
♪ Coming home baby now

♪ You don't know
what I'm going through

♪ I'm coming home,
I know I'm overdue

♪ Since you went away
♪ Expect me any day now

♪ Real soon

♪ I'm coming home
and never more to roam

♪ Baby, tell me you
♪ Baby, I'm for sure

♪ Coming home
♪ Coming home

♪ I'm coming home
♪ Come on home. ♪

- OK, honey?
- Hmm.

I'm home. You have to get up.

I'm up.

- Come here.
- Oh, OK. You are up.

- I really am.
- Yeah, you really are.

It's impressive, isn't it?

It's just the result
of being wakened during

or directly after a dream.

Shh. More touching,
less talking, I think.

Sweetie, do you know
what day today is?

It's a bit lower and just
there day.

(Laughs) Oh, I like this day.

- Honey?
- Yeah?

- Do I look yellow to you?
- Oh, off topic.

Time to bring the hammer down.

I don't wanna worry you

but I've had pain
in my knee today

so I think I've got bony
metastasis.

No, you don't.

- Oh, that reminds me.
- Yeah?

- Look.
- Oh, come on! What's that?

That used to be
someone's leg, OK?

That's why you're not
getting a motorbike.

OK. Take your top off.

Seriously, though,
I think I do look yellow.

Uh-huh.

What if there's something
wrong with my liver?

Then this is the last chance
we get to have meaningful sex.

So let's make it count.

BOTH: ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday,
dear Oscar and Edwina

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

EDWINA: Come in my room!
I told you!

OSCAR: No, it's my turn!

- You had it last year!
- Aren't they lovely?

Just terrific kids.

Happy birthday,
my beautiful girl...

Oh, my God,
we opened the presents

in Oscar's room last year.

Yeah, I know. It's alright,
relax. He's coming.

Hey, champ.

Don't you wanna come next door
and open your presents?

No.

Happy birthday, sweetie.
Wanna come in Oscar's room?

That is so unfair.

I know but we dropped him,
remember, a lot as a baby

so I feel like we're still
making it up to him.

- Danny.
- Bess?

- It's Edwina's turn.
- Yes, it is.

But I think we've
wakened Oscar

in the middle of a dream.

Oh!

We dropped him a lot,
especially on his head.

Mm.

Can't we just wait
till his erection goes down?

Um, we might open the presents
in the kitchen.

- Better.
- I think.

Good.

Alright, kiddlies, what do you
want on your pancakes?

- Chocolate ice-cream!
- Blueberries and banana.

You don't have to be healthy
today. You want chocolate?

I want blueberries and banana.

Oh, Oscar, do you have to wear
your doona around like that?

I think he does.
I'm so proud of that kid.

Well, you're going to
get it dirty.

- (Burps) Ooh.
- Oh, really?

- It's my reflux.
- Is that what you call it?

- Nanny Margaret!
- Happy birthday, my darling.

Mum, what are you doing here?

How's my big, beautiful
13-year-old boy?

You cold?

He's covering up
his erection.

- Pancake, Margaret?
- Oh, Danny.

I didn't realise I'd be seeing
you in your underwear.

I didn't realise I'd be seeing
you in my house...

We thought you were
coming to dinner.

No, I didn't want
the children

to have to wait all day
to see their presents

and I was desperate
to show them the cake.

Oh, I didn't get candles.

Do you have enough candles?
Bess.

Don't you think
you should have a shower

when you come home from work?

I'd go easy on those pancakes,
darling.

Here you are, my treasures.

Oh, all this running around
has made me so thirsty.

Was it yes to a pancake?

Uh, yes, I might just have
one small one.

- Right.
- With ice-cream.

You don't like ice-cream.

Oh, Nanny, thank you!

It's a subscription
to the ballet.

I still want you
to do it yourself.

It's not too late, you know.

All we have to do
is talk your mother around.

Mum, please,
not the ballet thing.

I know you didn't like it,
but Edwina's different.

She has the shape for it.

Hey, champ, what'd you score?

A voucher for a maths tutor.

I think it's going to be
huge fun.

- Oh, you can't... (Burps)
- Bess!

- It's reflux.
- It's disgusting.

There is wrong
with my stomach.

Take a tablet!

- Danny?
- Yeah?

Can you help me
find the antacid?

Yeah, yeah, OK, yep.

You have to tell her
she cannot give Oscar

a maths tutor as
a birthday present.

OK, you know I don't agree
with anything

Margaret says or does ever,
but that's a good present.

No. I won't let her put this
kind of pressure on my kids.

She did it to me.
Look how I turned out.

I like the way you turned out.
I like this bit, this bit.

I'm enjoying...

I'm just saying, Margaret made
some good bits too.

She made me a nervous wreck.
She hounded me my whole life.

I won't let her
do it to my son.

Well, I... Look, I know
you can be a little bit...

- Mental!
- Highly strung.

But Oscar is different.

I just don't want him
growing up

feeling like there's something
wrong with him.

Neither do I. That's why
he could use some help.

A lot of help.

- Well, he's not stupid.
- He's pretty stupid.

No, he's going through that
stage that boys go through

where they can't access the
clever part of their brain.

Yeah. Honey,
he's a mouth breather.

What?

I'm gonna go and tell her
he doesn't need a maths tutor.

Mum, do we have any candles?

Nanny Margaret
didn't bring any.

- Well, Dad can get some.
- Oh.

Well, I want 13 for me
and 13 for Edwina.

Oh, OK. Alright, so how many
would that be altogether?

13 and 13.

About 27?

- Uh, well, it can't be 27.
- Why not?

Because three and three's six,
remember?

We're going to need
more than six, Mum.

- How are we twins again?
- Oh, my God.

She still doesn't get
the double egg thing.

(Crash!)
- Nanny Margaret!

Mum. Mum? Mum?

Oh, my God!

Here they come.

Why didn't you tell me
you were feeling so unwell?

Stop fussing, I'm fine.

Although I wish
they'd move me.

I fail to see the point

of being a platinum private
health member

if I'm stuck in here
with everyone else.

I can't believe they haven't
introduced Gold Class

in the public emergency ward
yet.

Danny, take the children
to school.

Oscar really shouldn't miss
any classes.

Oh, yeah, 'cause I've gotta
get birthday punches.

Why would you wanna get
punched, you idiot?

When it was Caspian's
birthday,

we all started punching him

and then there was
this big rumble

and everyone fell down
the stairs.

Caspian got detention.

Maybe we should send
the school fees

to that Nigerian prince
who keeps emailing us.

Come on, champ. Come on.

Oscar, I'll be cross
if you get detention.

Even on my birthday?

I'm glad you're alright,
Margaret.

Well, she's not alright.

She has a serious
medical condition

that needs constant attention.

Honey, lots of people have
diabetes. Relax.

Please don't tell me to relax.
You know I don't do that.

(Man screams)

Well, you could have gone
into a coma.

If only.

I suppose it makes sense,

you wanting ice-cream
and being so thirsty.

Thank you.

No, hang on. They've...

Um, I am just going
to check on your meds.

Could you check on my room
while you're about it?

Yes!

- The machine says A.
- Oh.

How's Year 9 chemistry going?

My mother doesn't have
Type A.

Do you even know
what you're looking at?

Aren't you even slightly
embarrassed?

Now some woman thinks she's
got what my mother's got,

which is probably leukaemia.

Bess, she doesn't have
leukaemia.

She has diabetes. She had
a blood sugar reading of 22.

She didn't. Are you even
listening to me, Sam?

My mother doesn't have Type A.

My father had Type O.
He had lung cancer.

I checked his chart a billion
times and I am definitely B.

I'm sorry to be so 1975
about it, but look!

- It's Type A.
- No, it's not.

I'm quite good at my job.

- Then how am I B?
- Could you be wrong?

Ow, ow, oh!

- OH&S will be pleased.
- Hmm.

OK. What am I looking at?

- You're Type B.
- You...

Do I look like someone
who shoots up?

That awful doctor said I'd
have to give myself needles.

We don't have
the same blood type.

I'm not staying in
this injecting house

a moment longer.

That's not genetically
possible.

They've got it mixed up.

This is what happens
in the public system.

This is why you didn't want me
to know you were unwell.

You didn't want to
end up here.

You've never been to hospital.
Not even to have me.

- How do I remove this drip?
- You're not my mother.

I'm adopted, aren't I?

If you can't organise
a single room, just say so.

This is why you don't remember
my birth.

Why I don't look like anyone.

Is that why you insisted
on taking my birth certificate

to the marriage celebrant
yourself?

You didn't want me to see it!
You've must tell me the truth!

I couldn't love you more
if I...

..if I were the one
who actually...

Why didn't you tell me?

I just wanted you
to feel normal.

I've never felt normal.

I've thought there was
something wrong with me

every day of my life.

PATIENT: Welcome to my world.

So she's not our grandmother.

She is our grandmother.

She's just not
our biological grandmother.

So she's not our grandmother.

Stop saying that!
Mum, tell him. She is.

Of course she's your
grandmother.

She's just not my mother.
No, I don't know what she is.

She's like a friend
of the family.

No, mate. She isn't someone
we'd choose as a friend.

- Whoa!
- But how did she...

Oscar, enough.
I haven't slept for two days.

I'm going to bed.

Can I just ask one more
question?

What?

Would you tell me
if I was adopted?

Sweetheart,
you're not adopted.

Despite what Edwina says.

We would never lie to you.

If anything, my being adopted
explains so much.

Your red hair
and your freckles and...

The 34 candles on the cake?

On the... No. Not that.

- I wonder who they are.
- Who?

- My parents.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.

Yeah, what part of you

thinks that I would feel like
sex right now?

The male part?

Sorry. Sorry.

Wonder what they're like.

Well, biologically,

they'd have to be smart,
beautiful, funny, kind.

Nope, they gave me up.
So how kind can they be?

What if they are murderers?

Or heroin traffickers? What if
they are people smugglers?

What if they're not?

What if they're terrific
and great and awesome people

who can't wait to get to know
their daughter?

They didn't want me then.
Why would they want me now?

(Revving engine)

♪ THUMPING MUSIC

(Cheering)

(Cheering and applause)

(All cheer)

Whoo! Yes, Mum! Whoo-hoo!

You did it!

- Awesome driving!
- Way to go, Mum!

Shawn! Come 'ere!

- Fuckin' hell!
- Swear jar, Amber.

My 5'6" ball of champion.

You are, Mum. That was faster
than your qualifying.

- No, it wasn't, dickhead.
- Yes, it was.

It was .008 slower, mate.
How's the knee?

It's fine. Have you got that
Voltaren, Brianna?

Is it really OK, Mum? 'Cause
I can drive in the finals.

- Yeah, right.
- I can.

Oh, like, how fast
does the Barbie campervan go?

Amber, shut your mouth. Help
your brother with the car.

- What's wrong?
- It's nothing.

- Why are you snapping?
- Jules, it's nothing.

Is it the overdraft again?

Did you tell 'em we'd be
back on track next month?

- It's not the bank.
- What's wrong with you?

I'll tell you when
we get home.

- No, no, no, tell me now.
- Jules!

Wayne, do you want
to lose the other eye?

This woman rang me
called Bess.

- What, from the bank?
- Not from the bloody bank.

She was born on April 11th.

It's her. It's Janice.

(Banging)

Hey, get off,
ya fuckin' idiot!

Fuckin' hell, such a dickhead.

Don't be smart.

Mum, he's being a dickhead.

I can't believe it!
I have a sister.

She's our step-sister,
isn't she?

No, she's our sister,
ya cock-knock.

- Half-sister?
- Mum and Dad are her parents.

- She's our sister.
- Come on, Amber.

It's a lot for him to take in.

Air is a lot for him
to take in.

I don't get how
you could give a baby up.

- You're the best mum ever.
- And Dad, Brianna.

- That's what I meant.
- Good.

We had no choice, sweetheart.

Didn't Nan and Pop
want you to keep her?

Well, they could barely afford
to keep me.

I was 15 and I'd already
left school to support them

and your dad was... what, 14?

Imagine me telling my old man
I was bringing a baby home.

You could never get him sober
enough to tell him anything.

We would've been living
on the streets.

We had no right
to be raising a baby.

We did the right thing.

Sounds like she's had
a nice life.

What the fuck
does she want now?

Amber, swear jar.
Don't be so rude.

- She wants to get to know us.
- Bit late, isn't it?

She's just found out
she's adopted.

She's never twigged
that she's adopted?

What is she, retarded?

At least we know she's
definitely related to Kayne.

Hey, Amber,
I picked up your entry form

for the Bitch of the Year
Awards.

Leave him alone. I've had it
up to pussy's bow with you.

Well, don't think I'm gonna
meet her 'cause I'm not.

- Yes, you are.
- I'm not.

I bet you she'll be after
something. Watch.

She'll be after money
or the house or the cars.

I don't think
she'll be after anything.

- She's a doctor.
KAYNE: A doctor?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Mum, she can look at
your knee.

- And Kayne's head.
- Oh!

- OK, that is it! Go home.
- Oh, you're joking.

I bloody well am not!

I have had a gutful of your
negative attitude today.

Like I fuckin' care what you
think. What any of you think.

You heard your mother, Amber.
Clear off.

And I'll be checking the money
in the swear jar. Go on, go.

Fine. Whatever.

If anyone wants me,
I'll be at my place

fixing up the financial
shithole this family's in.

But don't worry about it.

Enjoy your lunch!

(Musical honking)
- I'll get it!

- You alright?
- Don't worry, I'll get it.

I need an Aspro Clear, Mum.

Shawn. What's happened?
Are you alright?

Senior Constable Miklis,
Mr van Winkle.

- Ah, your son...
- Not my son, my grandson.

Bit long in the tooth for
that. Wayne Wheeler.

Had the snip
a long time ago now.

Shawn told me he lives here.

Oh, he does
with his mum out the back.

We've got one of those
DIY bungalows, yeah.

What's happened? Shawn?

- What's going on?
- This is my wife, Julia.

I'm afraid I caught
your grandson

with what we call
a hamburger with the lot -

no helmet, no registration,
no licence and underage.

- Right, it's going on eBay.
- Nan!

What have you got to say?

- Sorry.
- I beg your pardon?

Sorry, Nan. Sorry, Pop.

And what about to
Constable Miklis?

I don't know, thank you?

Sorry, for breaking the law.
Without a helmet!

God, w-what if you'd come off?

- I wouldn't.
- You're that good, are you?

Hope you're going to press
charges, are you?

I thought I'd let him off
with a warning

if he understands the serious
nature of what he's done.

He will by the time
I'm finished.

Into the lounge room,
and no Xbox, no laptop,

no iPad, no TV, I mean it.

If you turn
any of those things on,

they'll go back to
Harvey Norman.

It's not like
we've paid for them yet!

Thanks for your understanding.

Shawn's been a bit all over
the shop lately.

Yeah, his mum and dad split up
a couple of months ago

and he and his mum
have come to live with us.

In the bungalow.
We've got room in the house,

but our daughter Amber
likes her own space.

Yeah, and he's not taking it
very well.

Not the bungalow itself.
He quite likes that.

They're pretty good for a DIY.
Deceptively roomy...

Wayne, I don't think he wants
to hear about the bungalow.

Why don't you go
and talk to Shawn?

- Oh, OK. Thanks, mate.
- Thanks.

So, we done?

What'd Nan say about the TV?

Sorry, I meant to turn it off
before you came in.

That's hardly the point,
though, is it, mate?

You're not doing yourself
any favours.

Is that Van Gisbergen?
Oh, he's good, isn't he?

He's very good. He's got the
Allan Moffats about him.

If we said no telly,
we meant it 'cause we did.

- I'm selling that bike.
- Is she?

You couldn't blame her
if she did, could you?

- Yes.
- You got me very confused.

You won't drive
in the junior drags

but you'll take
that dirty old trail bike out.

I don't want to talk
about the juniors.

Shawn, you're a champion.

You're the best driver
in the family.

- After Mum.
- After Nan.

You're getting bored
not doing it.

That is why
you're getting into trouble.

I'm not racing till
Mum and Dad get back together.

You know,
when I had my accident

and I found out
I couldn't drive anymore,

I thought, 'That's it,
life's over. Finito.'

You know what Nan said to me?

- She was going to leave you.
- No!

She said, 'Wayne Wheeler,
you'll have to look at this

in a different way,'

literally as it turned out,
through just one eye.

But you see, having a glass
eye isn't so bad.

Do you know why?

Because you sometimes
put it in Nan's drink?

Yeah, that's a bonus.

But if having a glass eye
is the worst thing

that happens to me in my life,
I'm doing alright.

I'm still here,
with my family.

Which reminds me,
come and have a kebab

'cause we've got something
to tell you. Come on.

What?

Gee, I'm allowed to have food.

I got something to say.
You got your purse ready?

- I need a new jar.
- You need a new mouth!

The police just dropped
Shawn home.

On his trail bike
without a helmet.

- You're fuckin' kidding me...
- No! No!

The last thing he needs
is you yelling at him.

- Dad's having a word.
- Great.

- That should confuse him.
- Don't you have a go at Dad.

- This is your fault.
- My fault?

Yeah. You can't be giving
Troy the finger

every time I win a race.

Did you see the look on
Shawn's face

when you did that?

How is he supposed to feel,
seeing his parents at war?

No, this is not on, Amber.

- Troy started it.
- Not this time.

Excuse me,
who gave me an ultimatum?

'Your mum and dad's team
or mine. You're with me.

You should be doing our books,
not theirs.'

I can't believe
you're defending him.

I am not defending him.

It's not my fault
they never have any money.

It's not my fault... (Burps)

..him and his brothers
can't fuckin' count.

Look, I want to smack Troy
over the head, of course I do.

But that's beside the point.

Your son needs you to behave,
Amber.

He can't be getting in trouble
with the police.

How could he ask me
to leave you, Mum,

after everything you've done
for us?

I don't know, love.

It's like he's just forgotten
about when Shawn was a baby.

I would never have finished
Year 12

if you hadn't been there
for us.

Lucky, weren't you?

- You and Shawn.
- Mm-hm.

Not like your sister
who missed out on everything.

You're meeting her, Amber.

We're all making up
for lost time.

It's time you welcomed her
into Team Wheeler.

Eat your lunch.

I need to pee.

You should have gone
before we left.

He did.

We didn't know
it'd take this long.

It's coming up here
on the left.

Why couldn't they come
to our place?

Your mum wanted to meet
somewhere neutral.

Switzerland would have
been closer.

You didn't have to come,
Margaret.

Are they from Switzerland?

- Ow!
- Guys, guys, guys, shoosh.

We need to find the barbecues.

Well, there's nothing neutral
about that bird.

♪ THUMPING MUSIC

If that bonnet has
a scratch on it,

I'm selling that bloody iPod.

Ah! Bloody ouch!

Don't play so hard!

Stop!

Fuckin' two-litre diesel.

- Honey?
- I don't think I can do this.

It's not too late
to change your mind.

Yes, it is.
They're standing right there.

I need to pee!

You don't want Oscar
to pee his pants.

EDWINA: Again.

DANNY, BESS: OK, OK, OK!
- Let's go.

- Let's go.
- OK.

- They're... bogans.
- Don't be judgemental, OK?

That's Margaret's job.

No, no, I mean, I thought
that only middle-class people

gave their babies away.

- What was wrong with me?
- Hey, hey, come on.

Come on.

(Music stops)

Are you Julie and Wayne?

No, I think you might have
the wrong barbecue area.

Sorry, he's a bit nervous.

Sorry, no, we are Wayne...
We're them.

I'm, uh, I'm Julie.

- This is Wayne.
- I'm Bess.

You're even more beautiful
than I imagined.

Oh, baby.

Look, she's... she's got
Brianna's eyes, hasn't she?

Look, this is...
this is your sister, Brianna.

And... this is your brother.
This is Kayne.

Oh, he looks just like Oscar.

This is Oscar. Sweetheart.

This is Oscar.

And this is Edwina.

Hello!

- This is my husband, Danny.
- G'day.

This is your sister, Amber.

We thought she was the only
brunette in the family.

And this is her boy,
our grandson, Shawn.

- Oh!
- Hello.

- Hello!
- Who's that?

Oh! That's my mother.

- Margaret.
- Margaret.

Hello.

Kayne, cut up some lemons.

You must be hanging
for a beer.

(Burps)

It's not my fault.
I get fuckin' reflux.

MEL TORME: ♪ Comin' Home Baby