Original subtitles

[upbeat classical music]

- A loft in Los Angeles.

The walls of this loft have watched two people

enjoying each other's bodies all morning.

One is in her 20s and a lesbian.

This is Hattie.

Hattie has found a new and creative way

to screw up her life.

More about Hattie later.

All about Hattie, in fact.

- ? Yeah yeah ?

- ? Ah ha I got Melanin ?

- ? Oh yeah ?

- ? I got Melanin ?

- ? You mad ?

- ? We got Melanin ?

? Melanin Melanin ?

? Ah ha I ?

[engine shuts off]

- What the-- That's my shit.

[dramatic music]

? ?

What the hell?

- Were you late with your rent again?

- Yeah, but I'm always late.

I was gonna pay it tomorrow.

- You can't just pay your rent whenever you feel like it.

- Yeah, can you not come at me right now?

Man, yo.

You got to be a heartless bitch

to throw a vintage "Waiting to Exhale" T-shirt on the street.

[whining]

I got this in Tokyo.

- Well, don't worry.

'Cause something great always happens

after you hit rock bottom.

- [whining]

So this is rock bottom?

- I would hope so.

Do you need me to drop you off someplace?

- No, I just want to sit here and be alone with my thoughts.

- Okay.

- Hey, you think I could stay at your crib for a while?

- Moving in is what couples do.

And we're just having fun.

- Now I've hit rock bottom.

- Listen, I will call you later.

[dramatic orchestral music]

? ?

- Hey, Ma. How you doing?

- I've been better.

Your aunt tried to come for me yesterday.

- What?

- Yeah, that's why I stopped talking to her a long time ago.

- Well, trust me. I'm about to follow suit.

Oh, and your cousin got shot in his good leg last week.

- Which cousin?

- The Muslim one.

- Ma, he ain't Muslim.

He just don't eat pork.

[laughter]

- Well, whatever he is, somebody shot him.

And his mother want me to come to the hospital to see him,

but I don't know him like that.

- Yeah, I know.

- How are you?

- I'm fine.

- You still messing with that straight bitch?

- Lorraine's not straight.

- Well, what is she, bisexual?

- She doesn't believe in labels.

- Oh, so she like that Janelle Mon�e girl?

- Yeah, Ma. Just like that.

All right, Ma, the girls just pulled up.

I got to go.

[Crime Mob's "Knuck If You Buck"]

- ? Yeah we knucking and bucking and ready to fight ?

? I betcha I'ma throw them things ?

? So haters best to think twice ?

? See me I ain't nothing nice ?

? And Crime Mob it ain't no stopping ?

- This is what you get.

- Really, Marie?

- Are you okay? - Thank you, Nia.

I'm fine.

- Where's your little girlfriend?

- Don't put "little" in front of it.

- Why didn't she stay with you?

- 'Cause she had to go to work.

- You could have been raped or killed.

- In Toluca Lake?

And who gonna rape me, honey, a dentist?

- This is crazy. - No.

This is what happens when you don't pay your rent on time.

- Oh, my God.

This is the first ottoman I reupholstered for you.

Now it's ruined. - Yo, who are you calling?

- Chuck, so he can come help us pack up your shit.

- We ain't packing up shit, okay?

We are going to Center Sphere.

I am ready to get my life from "All About Eve."

- You just got evicted,

and you're trying to go sit on the grass and watch a movie?

- Yes, bitch.

[funky music]

- ? La-la la-la-la ?

? La-la la-la-la ?

- Why did Lorraine have to rush to work?

Doesn't she work for herself?

- She works for a lot of people, actually.

She runs people's websites and shit.

She can't just not show up because I got put out.

- How hard is it to make a website?

- Marie, be nice.

- I just want you to stop dating these basic bitches

that treat you like a pit stop

on the way to dating some wack-ass dude

with a wave cap and ashy ankles.

- Sexuality is fluid.

- Yeah, but if she don't want to end up with you,

what is the point?

- It's okay. It's about preferences.

You go through seasons. You, like--

- But you always dating people in a straight season.

Why don't you just date another gay girl?

- Are you guys just gonna act like you don't see

this engagement ring on my finger?

- Who proposed to you?

- I did. - Oh, Lord.

- I bought it as an early birthday present for myself.

- Wait. [laughs]

Is this like that black chick in Atlanta

that married herself?

[laughter] - No.

It's a promise ring, fool.

- And what you promising?

- To remain a virgin until I find the one.

- But you're not a virgin.

- Aren't I, though? - No, you aren't.

- Yeah, you told us you lost your virginity

to some light-skinned dude named Chauncey...

- Chauncey. - When you was in high school.

- But my hymen wasn't compromised.

- It still counts.

- Then I promise to remain celibate

until I find a love like my favorite couple.

- Oh, the one on the secret vision board?

- Yep.

- Look, I have a man...

both: We know.

- And I didn't have to use a vision board to get him.

[phone clicks]

- ? Everyone falls ?

? In love sometime ?

both: ? Sometimes it's wrong ?

all: ? And sometimes it's right ?

? For every win ?

? Someone must fail ?

? But there comes a point when ?

? When we exhale ?

? Yeah yeah say ?

? Shoop shoop shoop ?

? Shoop be doop shoop shoop ?

? Shoop be doop ?

? All you've got to do is say ?

? Shoop be doop ?

- ? Shoop shoop ?

? Shoop be doop shoop shoop ?

? Doo-doo shoop be ?

? Shoop be ?

? Feels all right ?

? You can say ?

? Oh shoop be doop ?

? ?

- So many things I want to be for Bill.

Funny business, a woman's career,

the things you drop on your way up the ladder

so you can move faster.

Being a woman.

Sooner or later, we've got to work at it.

- I wonder if I can date a white guy.

- You need to date whoever willing to put up

with your crazy ass.

- Just because I'm a firm believer in safe sex

does not make me crazy.

- Having dudes taking STD tests and then bringing you

the printed results with the doctor's signature

at the bottom is a little crazy.

- I don't see the problem. - Of course you don't.

And one day you'll wake up and be 40 and realize

you're still childless and alone.

- Don't put that into the universe.

- Yeah, words have power.

- I'm just trying to help.

- Everybody doesn't want your help, Marie.

- You need it. - Actually, I don't.

- Oh, so you don't need somewhere to live?

- That's needing a favor. That's different.

- Well, if you want to stay with me,

you need to let me help you get a job.

- That's cool, but I don't want some stressful 9:00 to 5:00

that's gonna take me away from my writing.

- My friend runs Ida B.'s production company,

and I heard she's still looking for an assistant.

- I keep forgetting all you black execs know each other.

- Yeah, 'cause there are seven of us.

- I love Ida B. She's a bad bitch.

- Nah, I'm good on that.

- Hattie, you have been out here for three years,

and what do you have to show for it?

- Look, we are living in the New Black Renaissance, okay?

I'm black and I'm gay.

Hollywood should be knocking down my door.

- But while you are striving for greatness,

why not work for somebody who has the career

you ultimately want?

- I don't want Ida B.'s career.

"My Bae" is an awful show.

- No, it's not. - I love that show.

- What did you like about it?

- I like that it's about black love.

- And I am just glad it exists.

- Those are not good reasons to like a show.

- We need to support black shit.

- No, we should support good shit

that just happens to be black.

- If you don't take the interview,

you can't stay with me.

- Fine, I'll stay with Nia.

- Sorry, boo.

You know I don't like being on Marie's bad side.

- Ain't that about a bitch?

[laughs]

[fireworks booming]

- Look, look, look.

? ?

[distorted] That's lit.

[upbeat percussive music]

- The first song I sang in church was a song called...

? Guide me oh oh oh ?

? Thou ?

? Great Jehovah ?

- Mm.

- ? Feed me till I want ?

? No more ?

Yeah. [cheers and applause]

- She's not gonna be here that long, I promise.

- I like Hattie a lot, but if she's here,

it's not gonna help with our dry spell.

- We have sex in the morning anyway,

and Hattie doesn't wake up till noon.

- Maybe that's why she can't keep a job.

- [inhales and exhales]

- So you're good if Hattie stays?

- Uh, yep.

No, she can stay here as long as she needs to.

- Uh, uh, okay, well, we're gonna need to get some lube

if you're gonna do that.

- Well, I'll just use spit.

- You know saliva grosses me out.

- You don't have to look at it.

Okay.

[phone chiming "Halloween Theme"]

- Oh, shit, stop. That's my boss.

I've got to get it.

Hello.

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

I can do that.

- How are we feeling about the pocket square?

Is it too much?

- Nah, I like it.

- Jacket or no jacket?

- No jacket--you don't want to look desperate.

- Yeah, that's true, but these jeans

are a little too tight, though.

- They fit perfectly.

- I know, Nia. I don't want them to.

- I definitely owe you. - Fine.

- No, she won't let you down. It'll be great.

- Mm, mm, mm.

- Shower her with compliments.

Tell her how much you love her earlier work.

- Her earlier work was a struggle, but a'ight.

Thank you.

- How much is that? - 40?

- No, that's way too much.

- You do 40, I'll do 40. It's perfect.

[phone chimes]

? ?

Yeah, this is it right here.

- Yeah, that's cute. - Yeah.

All right, well, look, I'ma let y'all figure out

who gonna pay for what, and I'ma go get in line.

- ? Yeah I think you know that ?

- Why is she such a hot mess?

- She's just in a valley right now.

- She needs to hurry up and get out of it.

- Well, it took you a long time to get out of yours.

Remember when you and Chuck went on that break

and you accidentally cut your bangs too short?

- Yeah, that was a dark period.

- [chuckles]

Your skin looks good.

- Thank, Ni.

- I pay for the shirt, you pay for the jeans?

- The jeans are more expensive.

- Bitch, I know.

? ?

[spacey electronic music]

? ?

- [exhales]

[indistinct chatter]

[Dinah Washington's "Cry Me A River"]

? ?

- ? Now you say you're lonely ?

- Hey. Ooh.

- ? Said you cried the whole night through ?

? Well you can cry me a river ?

- Giving yourself a tour, I see.

I'm Ida. - I know.

- I know you know.

I just think it's weird to shake someone's hand

and not introduce yourself.

- That makes sense.

- Of course it does. Have a seat.

Not there. That's my chair.

- Oh. - You can sit on the couch.

- Oh, my bad.

- It's all good, sis.

So you want to be my assistant.

- That's the job, right?

- Yeah, it doesn't mean that you wanna do it.

- Oh, no, I definitely want to do it.

I would love to learn from someone like you.

I mean, you've accomplished so much in your career.

It would be an honor to watch you work.

- How old are you?

- 24.

- Hmm, you're a child.

What do you want to do?

- I want to write for television.

- Comedy or drama? - Comedy.

- That last time I sat down with a comedy writer,

I couldn't stop laughing.

- Ha-ha...ha.

- Let me guess,

you're a big fan of "My Bae."

- How could I not be? It's a phenomenal show.

- What did you like most about last season?

- I love when Tariff reads The Koran to Isabelle

as a way of apologizing for cheating on her with a dude.

- That happened first season.

- I know, but it was so memorable.

Like, it feels recent, you know?

- Ohh, you are so full of shit.

- Excuse me?

- See, being my personal assistant

isn't just a regular job.

It means I have to trust you completely.

- Mm-hmm.

- So I'm gonna do my research.

"'My Bae' is a show about an accomplished black woman

getting dickmatized by a Hotep."

- Oh, my God.

- No, don't call on Him now. You're the one who tweeted it.

- Yeah, like, six years ago.

- I did a deep dive.

"'My Bae' is basically telling women that they need to find

"a man who isn't afraid to tell them what to do."

Should I keep going?

- Please don't. - No, no, no,

last but not least,

"The saddest part about this show

"is that the people making it think it's brilliant.

"But the truth is, the direction is weird,

"the writing is awful,

"They need somebody to tell them, 'That ain't it.'

"Well, I guess I've got to be that somebody.

Dear Ida B., this ain't it."

- I'm so sorry.

- Don't apologize.

Just be honest.

- Okay, fine.

I think the show sucks.

And to be honest, you could use your platform to do a lot more

than just showing a dope black woman falling in love

with a fake-ass Billy D. Williams.

- Well, when you get your platform,

you can do whatever you like with it.

- Lupita will see you out.

- The actress?

- The maid.

- Oh.

[funky electronic music]

? ?

- I can't believe you tweeted that.

- I can't believe she stalked my profile page.

- I know.

- She did what any woman in her position is supposed to do.

- What happened?

- Ida found some shady tweets Hattie posted about "My Bae."

- Oh, my God. I love that show.

? ?

- It's cool. I didn't want that job no way.

- But you need it. - I'll figure it out.

- Where's Lorraine?

- She had to work late.

- Oh, a website emergency?

- Don't do that. - Do what?

- Relax. - Don't tell me to relax.

- [scoffs] Somebody need to.

- You know what, Hattie?

- What?

- You don't want to be a writer.

- Yes, I do.

- No, because if you wanted to be a writer,

you'd be writing every day.

If you wanted to be a writer,

you'd be at the WGA reading scripts.

If you wanted to be a writer,

you wouldn't be tweeting shady shit about a popular show

that you could potentially work on.

- Don't talk to me like I'm a child.

- Then don't act like one.

- Why don't you stop micromanaging my life

and worry about why you and Chuck

ain't had sex in three months.

- Ooh.

? ?

- [clears throat] Really, babe?

- Get out. - I ain't going nowhere.

- Not on my birthday.

? ?

Sit.

Both of you need to take a breath.

? ?

- Ben and I are gonna go check on something in the kitchen.

- Honey, do you need help in the kitchen?

- No, we got it. - Okay.

? ?

- Look, you can come for me when it's just us three,

but don't do it in front of your coworker

and his random white girlfriend.

- I'm not random.

? ?

- Marie, say you're sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- Hattie. - Me too.

- Now, can I change the subject?

- Please.

- I went on a date yesterday.

- Oh. - What did y'all do?

- We went for coffee. - That's cute.

- Yeah, it was.

We were laughing. He was flirting.

His beard was perfect.

He was wearing Invisalign, which I appreciated.

- Nice. - And then this fool

asked if we can split the check.

- Who goes Dutch on a first date?

- Maybe he was broke.

- Then we should have went for a walk in the park.

Don't ask me to go on a date you can't afford.

- Going Dutch isn't that crazy.

- It is if you're Jamaican.

- Why does everything go back to you being Jamaican?

- Because my mother and all my aunties

taught me what it meant to be a lady.

And I was raised to date a real man,

not some boy that can't afford to pay for my coffee.

- Mm-hmm.

- ? Happy birthday ?

- What?

- ? To you ?

- [laughs]

- ? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday, dear Nia ?

? Happy birthday to you ?

- Yay.

- Oh, I love you guys. You guys are great.

[majestic orchestral music]

? ?

[sweeping orchestral music]

? ?

[doorbell rings]

? ?

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

Look, there aren't a lot of black women

doing what you're doing, and you've opened a lot of doors

for women like me.

As artists, we have the right to express ourselves

however we want to.

Instead of celebrating your show,

I threw shade at it, and for that, I'm deeply sorry.

- Are you done?

- Yes.

- What's the point of speaking your mind

if you're only gonna apologize for it?

You were right.

The show could be better.

I just wanted to tell our love story,

and even though our love didn't last,

I wanted to make it beautiful.

Look, I pride myself in knowing what black women want.

And they want nothing more than to see a strong black man

sweep a black woman off her feet.

They want a fantasy, so that's what I try to give them.

Your tweets hurt.

But at least they were honest.

- So is there any chance I could still be your assistant?

- Hell no.

I gave that job to a chipper white girl.

But I do need a writers' PA.

- So that means longer hours and less money.

- Yep. - I'll take it.

- Great. You start tomorrow.

And remember, if you're on time, you're late.

- I got it.

[light music]

? ?

- [grunting]

? ?

[telephone rings]

- Hello.

- Hey, Ma. How you doing?

- You know how I'm doing.

I talked to you yesterday.

How are you?

- I'm great. I just got a job.

- Well, thank you, Jesus.

Well, I hope you got a job writing on that show "Power."

All that shootin' and killin'.

That's fantastic.

- Nah, I'm not black enough to write for "Power."

But I did get a writers' PA job for "My Bae."

Well, you know what? At least you got a job.

I thought in a minute you was about to start selling

your ass for money.

And you know you can't come back here, right?

I need you to work on that "Power."

Wherever you've got to get your blackness, get it.

You make your mama proud.

And then you--you get 50 Cent my number.

[laughs]

Is that it? I'm trying to finish up this game.

I've got a lot of people over here today.

- Yeah, that's it.

- All right, love you.

- I love you too.

[dramatic orchestral music]

? ?

[engine grinding]

Damn it.

[Dionne Farris' "Hopeless"]

? ?

- ? Hello morning ?

? Now when does the fun begin ?

? ?

? But see I've cried just a little too long ?

? And now it's time for me to move on ?

? They say I'm hopeless ?

? Mm-mm-mm ?

? As a penny with a hole in it ?

? Yeah yeah yeah, they say ?

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