Original subtitles

We're going to get married March 8th. I think that's the one.

I think so too.

Hey, you swam.

Is it weird if I'm proud of you?

I'm proud of you too.

Well done. Well done.

What's happening to you, exactly?

Because from the outside it seriously looks like you're losing

your mind. I'm going to move out. What? No, you're not. Shut up!

You don't want to be sharing your marital home with a pathetic

lodger who's in love with you.

HE TESTS MIC

I mean, that is a great picture of you.

OK. I'll take another one.

What is happening here? Hmm?

What's this?

This isn't a bride face. It looks awful.

Stop it. Sorry.

What were you saying? Something about... Sorry, what?

Is this cold feet?

Are you reconsidering?

No, I'm just really excited.

I was exactly the same on my wedding day.

Yeah, but you were marrying an arsehole.

Nick's not... Fuck off! Nick's not an arsehole!

He just...he just doesn't understand the lengths that

I have to go to, to have one measly night with no responsibility.

Hey, my whole life is nights out without responsibilities,

and it suuuuuuucks.

Am I putting this there?

Kieran? Yo, Kieran, am I putting this there?

You said there was a plan.

Yeah. There was, but...

..Ray's supposed to be here and I'm just...

Oh, hey, I lost track of time.

Hi. Tell me you know where to put this table.

Here.

Where the hell have you been?

I went for a run. What, all morning?

The world doesn't stop every time you have a mental breakdown, Ray.

It would be good to not have additional stress today, all right?

I'm really tired, we barely slept. Hey, Kieran.

I've made Gem's favourite punch, but that driver was a madman.

Do you have a spare shirt?

No.

OK.

Kieran, if you want to talk about what I said last night, I'm hap... What the fuck are you doing?

Nothing, I'm... What do you want from me, Ray? It's my wedding day.

I'll just get changed and... No, don't worry about it,

it's all done now.

And you swipe right. And you message.

And you get excited.

And you meet up with them.

And they're awful.

But you wake up the next day and you start swiping again

because, well, you... you know it's out there.

You have absolute proof that true love does exist in this universe.

LAUGHTER

Gem, I mean, you and Kieran are like this...

..this beacon of hope...

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

..to losers like me.

And I flew halfway around the world just to come and bask in the

glow of your timeless...

..unbreakable,

nauseatingly beautiful love.

And so if you ever break up, then I will kill you both.

That's right, Esther, cos today's all about you.

Hey, hey, bride face?

Err, just one second.

Gem, no, wait, it's dress time. I know. I know.

Just give me one second.

KNOCK AT DOOR

What?

Nothing, I just...

Kieran is really angry.

Yeah, he is.

I'm sorry if last night I...

You should be sorry.

It was a really... I'm not asking for anything, I just...

To dump that on us, and what are we supposed to do with it? I didn't try to dump.

I'm sorry.

I cannot not feel what I feel.

What makes you so upset?

Gemma, dress time.

I won't come to the wedding, I'll...

Come. Don't come.

Gem!

Today's not about you.

There she is. Everything all right?

Yep.

Da-da-da!

Mrs Lovell!

It's still Hastings, I'm keeping my name.

It's ridiculous.

Mum never picks up her phone, Dee.

Listen, if she's there she's there,

it won't be the first time she's missed a big thing.

Beautiful.

Just too many buttons.

There are so many buttons.

Have to take half-hour shifts.

Yeah, I know. OK. That's why we came.

Ready? Clothes off. Kit off.

YELLING

Danny, time to get your tux on, mate.

Not happening.

I got him a tux from M&S and he refuses to wear it.

It's got a little bow tie and everything. It's hilarious.

He can wear what he wants, it's cool.

Are you OK?

You just seem massively...something.

No, I'm just... It's a big day, innit?

Huh.

Is this all right, or...? Jason lent me a spare.

You look perfect!

I would never choose it, but...

PHONE RINGS

Listen, Kier - I really like Gemma, you know.

Yeah, I know. Me too.

It's just you and me are the same in a lot of ways.

So don't mess it up.

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, Dee.

OK, sure. It's time to get dressed.

Oh, look, Gem was Scary Spice, obviously.

There was absolutely no choice about that at our school.

And I fought to be Posh.

But grew up to be Ginger.

I liked Sporty.

How's this even work? How the hell did she do this up before?

Let me have a try.

Ray did it.

No, it's not that bit, it's the clippy things. How did she do it

before? Let me have a go. What?! That is impossible.

It's going to take forever.

Oh, Ray, can you remember how this works?

Look, it's literally just clips and...

Err, no, I'm just... It's literally... There's a hook.

Gem, calm down, you're getting worked up.

Do you do the hooks first or the buttons? You don't need your lodger for that. It's, err...

Gemma, seriously,

did you get the most complicated dress you could find?

Sorry.

See, she knows what she's doing.

I just wouldn't have the patience for a dress like this.

Oh, look at her.

Bloody hell, Gem.

Fuck you. That is gorgeous.

Holy crap.

Gem. You're so beautiful I could snap your neck.

Hello! It's bloody cold. Hurry up, Lovell.

I'm coming. Bloody hell. I'm coming. Sorry, sorry.

Hold on.

Yo. Stay still. What's that smell from?

It's aftershave, mate.

Hopefully I meet my second wife tonight. Smelling like barbecue?

Come on, let's go.

Ready?

Hurry up, mate.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Give me just one minute, actually.

What do you mean? One minute.

Are you serious? THEY BOO

Are you getting cold feet?

Gem, you were looking faint earlier, you should eat something.

Can one of you get her a plate or something?

I got her a plate. One of us? Yes, one of you. Why not?

Give it a rest.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ray? Kieran wants to talk to you.

I...

Just a second.

If you see her in her wedding dress then it will ruin the whole day. And Gemma will get...

You're being ridiculous. Your name's not on the list, you're not getting in.

It's not about bad luck, it's about not ruining the moment later when...

OK, fine, someone please just tell Ray.

Hey. Hi. Hey. Um...

Can I please talk to you?

I was out of order, the way I spoke to you before.

You don't have to apologise. I was angry. I'm the one who should be...

I was pissed off and stressed and I shouldn't have snapped.

Please. Don't.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Please go.

Sorry.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi. Are you OK, hon?

What the fuck is going on, Gem?

I just need a moment.

OK.

PHONE BUZZES

You know it's bad luck for the groom to see

the bride before the wedding, right?

You still want to do this, right?

Marriage,

according to the law of this country, is the union of two people,

voluntarily entered into, for life, to the exclusion of all others.

Kieran and Gemma will walk out of here husband and wife,

and you will all walk beside them.

And you'll remain by their side in the years to come,

celebrating with them, supporting them

and protecting the vows they have made today.

CHEERING AND YELLING

Is everyone with us?

Stop, stop, stop. Here?

That's great. Now look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

It's so beautiful.

That's amazing.

All right, let's go!

Caroline.

I am so sorry - I thought I could settle him.

Don't! Oh, my goodness, we loved hearing his little voice.

Oh, well, the bit I heard was really beautiful.

Guys, obviously... God, I'm ready for a drink, actually.

Right, so am I.

Will you take him for me?

Oh, Victor! You didn't have to.

Oh, I didn't. It's from my mum.

Yeah, she's been taking classes.

She sort of wanted to...

She's grateful to you, y'know,

for giving me a job and teaching me to cook and things.

Thank you, I love it.

No, no, don't pose, don't pose, act natural! Natural, OK.

Everyone just stay where you are and look at the camera.

Again.

Look, sorry, can you...can you just take that and then go to the cafe?

Thanks. Sorry, excuse me.

Ah, it's perfect.

Acting naturally in three, two...

Got it!

Mum, the cake people!

Oh, bum - well remembered!

So, erm, we made you a little bride and groom for the cake.

Erm, he did most of it. Some of it.

Your housemate, is she staff today or is she a guest?

Wait! Wait!

For the cake.

Oh, OK, thanks.

OK, bride and groom together, and the family. Yeah. OK.

And smile...

Beautiful.

Ray, we're not ready yet, can you stall them a second, please?

Err... Thank you. Everyone on the patio, please.

They've asked me to keep you here.

Oh. OK.

BELL RINGS

I think that's your cue.

Oh, really?

Go.

Ladies and gentleman and those who otherwise identify, I give you

Mr and Mrs Lovell!

CHEERING

Hastings! I'm still keeping my name.

Hi, can I help?

It's under control.

OK, cool.

Please, give me a job to do.

It must be a weird day for you.

What's this?

Oh, err, I think Victor did it.

That's truly horrible.

Hi.

Hi, congratulations. Thanks. You did it.

You look amazing. I know.

Ray, do we need to talk?

I mean, I don't know what to say exactly...

Ray's helping me at the moment.

Yeah, I just, erm...

Gemma, your nan wants to see you open your gift.

It's a hand vac, apparently. Right.

Garnish on this, please, or it just looks like flattened nut-sacks.

Can you put some more on here, please? They're half empty. Where's

Victor? And can you fold the meats, please? I don't want people

scrabbling around with greasy fingers to... Gemma! OK, I'll just take this tray out.

Gemma, go and be a bride.

Thank you. Go.

Oh, err, this is for the cake.

Can you do the cake, please? Thank you. Thank you.

Cake. Cake.

Ray, darling, you're reading after Gemma's dad, aren't you?

Do you...? I've got the letter if you want to practise...?

I'm completely fine.

OK.

Can I just have a little nibble? Not until we serve, Jason.

Actually, one moment.

OK, no worries, Ray...

Hi. Have you seen...?

What's going on? Nothing...

That smell? It's Chris' aftershave.

What? Doesn't even smell that strong.

It smells like turps. It smells like worming medicine.

Ah, shit.

OK, just don't tell Gemma, yeah?

Or Caroline. We're just taking a little break before service.

WEST INDIAN IMPERSONATION: Likkle bit a wacky ba... Don't do that voice, man.

No, yeah, you REALLY can't do that.

Weren't you a paramedic?

Err, yeah, yeah.

Looks like you could do with a bit of a medical, prescription-type...

Paramedics can't prescribe.

Yeah, I know that.

Victor, Gorgon Ramsay has noted your absence.

Gorgon Ramsay! That's amazing. You're an idiot.

Oh. No. No. We've got loads of names for her.

No, we don't.

Oh, what, you're smoking weed out here, yeah? Today?

I'm at work.

Prick!

Bloody hell!

Oh, I don't smoke...drugs.

First time for everything.

Have you seen Kieran? No.

Hi, erm...

I don't think I...I should read the letter. I'm really sorry.

I don't want to make a problem or mess anything up, I just...

OK. No. I can ask someone else - Dee maybe, or...

No, I get it. I understand.

Ray, I'm sort of saying I get it.

What you said last night...

..I believe you.

I know what it would take for you to read the letter. I'm not going to ask you to do that.

Thank you.

It was such a beautiful wedding.

Mum's here.

What? She's in a cab. I dunno. Come.

Oh. Can you borrow me some money for the cab?

You're kidding me. Look, I'll pay you back, I promise.

I was at work. I put the wrong date in my book.

I'm so sorry, Kieran.

Mum, it's OK. It's OK, Mum.

Messed it up again. No.

You look so smart.

So handsome.

I'm so late. Did I miss the photos? Is Danny here?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, erm, I need to get changed.

Oh, of course, yeah. Erm...

No, it's your wedding, I'll take her upstairs.

Where the hell have you been? I'm sorry. Answer your phone.

I'm coming.

You know what,

let's get Jason to take some shots of the food for the website -

not to pimp out your wedding or anything.

Yeah, that is a good idea, we'll take some of these as well.

Hey, Gemma - your lodger...

Just out of curiosity, is she...? No.

Leave her alone.

I'm only asking.

You're unbelievable.

Gem.

Yeah.

Do we need to talk?

About?

About...

Mr and Mrs Lovell.

Oh, no, it's still Hastings...

I'll be leaving early, Gemma, so you should open my gift now.

Oh, OK, well, could you give us one little second? It's a hand vacuum.

For the car. Open it now.

Erm, well, I'm actually just in the middle...

You are so like your mother.

Always on the go, never stopping.

Sorry. Hi, Ray.

Hi, Esther.

You having a nice time? Yeah.

Err, I'm just go...

Look, Ray, whatever the fuck is going on with you,

it needs to stop.

With respect, you don't know what... No. No.

With respect, this is a wedding and you are being disruptive

and, frankly, gross.

Now I have known that woman my entire life

and I would kill for her if it came to it.

Back the fuck off.

Hey, can you help me?

Erm...codeword.

What's going on?

Nothing, just, erm, codeword.

Oh, I need to...

Esther can help you go to the toilet.

Come on, then, pissy pants. Let's go.

She's back.

Easy.

Victor!

Ah, shit. Can you take this?

Why? Because you're going there anyway.

I don't feel anything.

Yeah, it's going out. One sec.

Give me the lighter.

Wait, don't light it near your face, you're too flammable.

Oh, very funny.

You absolute arsehole.

Hey. Where's Colby?

How high are you?

He's twatted. I'm fine.

Unbelievable.

And how are you planning on getting you and your infant son home tonight?

Hey, because you're not driving like this.

I'll Uber.

Do Ubers have car seats?

Ubers don't have car seats?

How do you not know this shit? Jesus!

Babe, you're leaking.

SCOFFING

Perfect. That is perfect.

Caro. Babe!

Yeah.

I don't feel good.

Yeah.

I don't like weddings either.

I'll get you some water.

I can get my own water. No, no, stay, stay, chill.

Just be calm, I'll be back.

Oh, hi, love, are you all right? Yes.

Oh, dear. Can I help you?

Oh, thank you. Thank you, babe, thanks.

Oh, my God.

You not going in to the party?

In a minute.

Yeah. Me too.

I thought I'd have a quick fag before I put on my face.

Do you want one?

Oh... I don't smoke.

Yeah.

They'll be throwing the bouquet in a minute.

If you're single.

THEY COUNT DOWN FROM FIVE

CHEERING

GLASS CLINKS

If everyone could take their seats for the speeches

and please make sure you have drinks topped up for a toast.

Do you want a little bit more? I'm OK, thanks.

Pass me a drink.

You've got one.

These three just chatting like normal people.

What? Did you think it would be all Game Of Thrones?

Where was all this functionality when we were kids?

Please welcome the father of the bride, Captain Walter Hastings.

APPLAUSE

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

Well, here we are.

BABY CRIES

Thank you, Colby.

The day many of us thought would never come.

ISOLATED LAUGHTER

This has been a truly collaborative, home-made wedding

and a testament to the type of people Gemma and Kieran are.

Whatever the future holds for this place,

we'll always have today to remember it by.

I tried to prepare something but it's ha...hard to know what to say about my daughter.

I'm not exactly an authority on that particular subject.

Whatever magic formula Kieran has, I can't say I share it.

Gemma's mother would have known what to say.

She always did.

I expect she would have approved of Kieran

and, like me, would have been relieved that Gemma

has finally stopped searching.

Anyway...

..to Mr and Mrs Lovell.

APPLAUSE

I think we have another reading now.

No, we're done.

Apparently not... Yes!

What's going on? She said she wouldn't read it.

I...I don't know.

Erm...

Hi. FEEDBACK

That's loud.

Hello, I'm Ramona - Ray.

I'm the happy couple's soon to be ex-lodger.

Kieran asked me to read, erm, to read something, so...

It's an actual letter,

handwritten on...on paper from when people did such things.

Erm...

Sorry.

So it was sent from where Kieran was in Indonesia to

Gemma, who was, err, she was, err, well, she was living in a squat

and working in a restaurant run by her ex-girlfriend.

GASPS, TITTERING

Oh, was...?

The people... Was that a secret?

Just read the thing!

Right, yeah.

Dear Gemma...

..you are, without doubt, the most infuriating person I've ever met.

Never in my life have I met someone who seems to relish

arguing as much as you.

And you are so good at it.

You are a grandmaster.

You are the Leonardo da Vinci of arguing.

I never learned to argue.

I learned to shout.

To fight my corner.

To fight with my sister and for my sister.

To fight for our mum.

I write to you in the hope that you will continue to argue with me,

and I promise that I will do my best to listen.

I am...I am sorry I freaked out when you said "I love you".

Nobody had really ever said that to me before and it scared me.

It's not because I didn't believe you.

It's because I felt it too, and couldn't say it.

To say those words takes a bravery I didn't have in that moment.

I cannot forgive myself for that.

That first time we slept together...

Oh!

Should I...should I just read the highlighted bits...?

Yeah, just the bits in yellow, actually. Thanks, Ray.

I'd like to see you again.

Frankly, I'd like to marry you.

I'm sorry if that sounds stalky.

Two weeks with you isn't enough time.

Honestly, I don't think a lifetime would be enough.

Yours,

yours, yours, yours...

..truly and always...

..the ex-army guy you met in Bali.

PS.

I love you.

APPLAUSE

This is a request from Esther.

MUSIC: Who Do You Think You Are by Spice Girls

What?!

Give me one second.

Ray.

Please...

I can't breathe.

Just wait, please.

What? What do you want?

Why has he gone running after her, Gem? Don't worry about it, Esther,

it's fine. Something's going on. Leave it!

I want to say thank you.

That was beautiful.

I am so fucked up, Kier.

I am such a mess.

So am I.

We both are. All three of us are.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Ray.

Ray.

Ray. Ray.

SHE PANTS

BREATHING SLOWS

Go get Gemma.

God, what am I doing? Ray...

I need to go.

Get out of here.

This is awful.

Listen... Go and dance with your wife.

I'm so sorry.

Tell Caroline to take that baby home.

Bye, Nana. Night.

Goodnight, Nick. Bye, Dad.

I know that was an atheist ceremony.

Not atheist, just non religious.

But will you pray with us before we go?

Yeah. Sure, let's pray.

Given the time of year you chose, you were lucky with the weather.

Yeah.

I should have planned something.

For the speech - I should have written something down.

I'm usually able to... It's OK.

I've been making speeches my whole career, I don't know what happened.

I'm glad you have someone.

Thanks for coming today, Dad.

Thank you for bringing Kieran into our lives.

He doesn't attend church as often as we'd wish,

but he honours you with his deeds.

He saves lives.

He lives a moral life.

Bye.

And he strives to be a good man.

Amen.

Amen. Amen.

Paul.

Love you, Ruth. The car's that way, Kim.

Kieran, thank you, darling. Thank you.

Oh, I didn't think it was going to be as fancy as all that.

You've done all right for yourself, despite having a terrible mum.

Oh, Mum, I'm glad you could be here, really.

And, err, that lovely French girl, with the curly hair,

she was so kind to me. I didn't catch her name. Ray.

Will you say goodbye to her? Yes. OK.

Love you. Love you, Mum. Take care, darling.

OK. Let's go.

You love her.

Don't you?

Yeah.

I do.

WINDOW OPENS

Yeah.

I do too.

Did you kiss her? No.

Did you want to? I would never...

That's not what I asked.

I love you. I'm married... That's not what I asked.

I wanted to.

It feels strange that I can't. That we can't...

I should have said this earlier,

but if I put it into words it'll sound bad, but...

What?

Nothing, really, I just undid her bathrobe

and sort of touched her a little bit.

It sounds bad, but it took all my strength not to just...

What I feel for Ray is overwhelming.

I adore her.

I love how she thinks, how she laughs.

How she chews her food.

She makes my body behave in ways I can't control.

Her body in the same room as mine changes MY body.

And she's kind.

And goofy.

And in another universe she'd be my absolute soulmate.

Or yours.

But we only get to pick one per lifetime, and we've picked each other.

Yeah.

We have.

Not as consolation prizes, as number one choice.

That's how we both feel.

Right?

MUSIC PLAYS

You and me.

You and me, baby.

Forever.

DOOR OPENS

Sorry.

Is it OK if I borrow the bike?

Of course.

I'm going to stay at Moi's tonight.

I just wanted to say that I'm really, truly happy for you.

I'm sorry that I've caused problems or weirdness,

that was never...

I'm sorry.

I hope you're going to have a great honeymoon, and...thanks.

For everything.

Thanks.

Please don't go.

I need help getting out my dress.

It rains love when I'm with you

It rains love when I'm with you

You're my sun when the clouds roll through

It rains love when I'm with you

I may not be the richest man...

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