Original subtitles

Do we need to talk about what happened last night?

Nothing happened last night.

Do we need to talk about the thing that didn't happen?

Nothing didn't happen.

You're making some impulsive, crazy decisions.

Moi is your friend, yeah? Yes. Best friend.

She's on the synchro team.

Sorry, I...

It's all right.

Come on! Come on!

Get off me! Get off me!

They say he's lost a lot of blood

and there's some damage to his spleen.

WHISPERS: Inside pocket.

Oh, she's good.

She's really good. Mm-hm.

SHE GASPS

Sorry, sorry, sorry. MUFFLED: One second.

Morning! Morning, Ray, hi.

Just...

CAT MEOWS

Ah, thank God! Mwah.

Oh, sorry you...

Oh, sorry, no. Please... No, you go ahead. Really, yeah.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES OK. Thanks, Ray.

Oh, Ray, we meant to say about the room...

Oh, yeah, just because... Even though we're getting married...

I'm saying it. We managed to get a cancellation at the Town Hall

and we're going to get married March 8th.

Oh, wow, that's really soon.

But it doesn't mean you should move out.

In case that's what you were thinking. Really?

Yeah. It's just a piece of paper, it doesn't mean anything.

I heard that!

I just mean that it doesn't change anything with us.

Yeah, you can stay...forever.

Do you have a kids' menu?

Um...

..sure.

Come in.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Hi...

What do you need, coffee? Tea?

Is it too early for...

I'm driving but you go ahead.

Yeah? Yeah!

Victor, can you get a bottle of red, please, and some glasses

and some water for the table.

So, guys, what do you like to eat?

Pizza. Pizza?!

Oh, we didn't order these. Oh, no, it's a bribe.

So, you'll come back.

Please come back! Aww!

Did you eat all of this?!

He's usually so fussy.

Do you have kids? No.

Yummy.

Oh, hello! How are you?

Hi, welcome!

I WhatsApped the mums' group.

Welcome, everyone.

Come and sit down. Good to see you...

No, this isn't cold-calling, you've donated before and I want to...

..to see if you'd be happy to...

PHONE: I'm fed up of this. This is the fourth time this week.

I'm running a business from my house

and I've got people like you clogging up my line...

Yes...

Take me off the list! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

CALLER DISCONNECTS

PHONE VIBRATES

PHONE VIBRATES AGAIN

And all the way down. And again.

All the way down... I can't even feel it.

One more second. It's my left.

..crossing in front...

And again.

Perfect.

We'll bring our hands up.

And pushing out with the bend.

Hydrotherapy was humiliating.

I'm going to have a walking stick in my wedding photos.

Sorry...

No, I get it.

There is an Adele CD in the car if you want to have a big cry.

Right. So, we've got some olives and bread there,

and some bruschetta for you, hope that's all right. OK? Great.

Oh! Is everything all right for you two? Is everything OK?

Yeah, you've got some more wine? Perfect.

Hi. Hey.

Hey. Hey, how did it go?

Um, yeah, I start back as soon as I can walk.

Just got to keep going, right? Right.

How's your job?

Soul destroying.

Do you want another one? Yeah.

Babe!

New menu?

Yeah. I was thinking of doing a homework club.

That after-school time is dead anyway,

and if I did a big vat of pasta, charged two quid, maybe?

Three...fifty?

Five.

OK.

�3.50.

PLAYFULLY: Let me grab that! Oh!

My God!

Sorry, guys, sorry. They love her.

What?! Just...

I'm sorry.

I... that's my...

Eat.

Kieran!

Thank you so much for doing the washing up.

You made dinner.

I knew there was a reason we got a lodger!

Yeah, the money.

Do you want me to clear that chair?

No, I'm fine. No?

I have to stretch, I get so creaky now that I'm not training.

What are you watching?

There's a bit too much to fill you in on.

They've just arrested the owner of the hotel where the body was found.

It can't be her. Red herring.

Clearly you're going to be fun to watch TV with(!)

Sorry, is that distracting?

Only if you fart. Kieran!

Gemma will like you more if you fart. She's pro-fart.

Fuck you!

She once did this fart that sounded exactly like the word "fart."

I laughed so hard about it, I actually swallowed a Malteser!

She text me about it in all caps!

I thought you'd be pleased for me!

Him.

He has to be the killer, right?

I am so into this show.

GEMMA FARTS

Oh!

She did it!

You see what I mean?!

PHONE VIBRATES

SHE SIGHS

GEMMA AND KIERAN MOAN

I don't think this is going to work out the way you were hoping.

Oh, no! We have to find a way to do this without you dying.

I'm dying. OK, well, how about if I turn around?

Wait, hold on. No, don't push me! Wait, just...

Oh! Oh, I get your thinking...

Yeah.

Yes! Yeah?

Oh, no... Easy... OK, wait, hang on.

This is what Emily Davison went under the King's horse for.

There... Kieran! Oh! Mm.

Oh, no, I'm going to fall! Oh, my God!

SHE SQUEALS

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHING: I'm so sorry!

Are you OK?

Are you OK?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah?

Can I..? Mm.

This is great. Right?

You guys want coffee? BOTH: Yes, please!

Thank you.

How's... How is he?

He's ready to go back to work, I think.

He's fearless.

Kieran?

Are you going to the pool this morning? Yeah.

If you wait, I'll drive you.

OK, cool.

Come on, Wilson!

SHE EXHALES

Nice hat!

Sorry.

Whoo! You did it!

Ha-ha, yes!

Yes, Ray!

Where's your rhubarb from? Kent, love. It is English? Yeah.

Thank you. Ugandan shallots.

I've got the freshest mint in town.

I've got green mangos as well. Have you, where are they?

This side. Haven't seen these in ages.

What do you think I should get? I want to do a dish using green mango.

With mango? Mm.

Sea bass? Have you got some sea bream? Sea bream.

Give me some sea bream. Do you want them cleaned up? Yes, please.

Actually, no, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Yeah, yeah. I'll do it. Good girl!

SHE LAUGHS

Right, then, see you later.

Cheers, darling! Thank you! Bye.

That's it! Again! I'm good at this.

Good. No, I am not good!

I'm not.

Show me the flip again, that was awesome.

You're a good teacher.

Maybe that's what you should do.

Teach these oldies a routine instead of just stretches.

Or kids, maybe.

I've always wanted to work with young people.

You'd be wonderful.

Yeah, it's just the training, though, I mean...

..Gem and I are living off my salary.

Yeah, but you could get another job. Like?

I don't know. It doesn't have to be medical, it could be...

Don't say driving. Please.

Everyone just thinks that paramedics are just delivery guys who do CPR.

I don't think that, I think...

I think you're amazing.

I'm just saying that at least you have options.

Oh...

Oh, I know what you should do. Totally uses your skillset.

Don't. Working in a team. Don't. Big gestures.

Uniform. Lots of make-up.

Whatever you're about to say, just...

Air hostess! That's what my...my careers advisor told me to do!

You had advice?!

Oh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Sorry!

Apologies!

Looking good.

Oh, yeah, thanks. You're healing. Yeah.

Hey, you swam.

Is it weird if I'm proud of you?

Why would that be weird?

I'm proud of you, too.

CUSTOMER: That was lovely, thank you.

There you go, sir.

I wanted to ask you something. And it's kind of..

Uh-oh...

You don't have to do it, if you don't want to, it's...

What? Oh...

Chef? Hello? You're well loved-up.

No, it's nice.

No, seriously chef, I... Top shelf.

This is a letter I wrote to Gemma when we first...

Actually, before we were "together" together.

And she kept it.

She keeps everything.

She's coming.

Er, cream cheese frosting, French, Italian and Swiss meringue,

er, salted caramel, chocolate ganache

and peanut butter buttercream.

I can't believe you're making your own wedding cake!

What are you two monkeys up to?

Nothing. Mind your business, woman.

PHONE VIBRATES AND RINGS

Oh!

SHE DISCONNECTS

Oh, my God.

Kieran, this is really beautiful.

You should... You should have someone reading it at the wedding.

Yeah, that's kind of the idea.

Me?

Only if you want to.

I know it's...

I didn't know I was invited. Of course you're invited, you dickwart!

I don't know... Of course you're invited, come on!

Don't be stupid!

Eat the cake samples!

Yeah. Really good. Delicious, Gem.

It's nice you have a swimming buddy.

I wish I could come. You don't like swimming pools.

That's not true.

No - chlorine, verrucas, plasters.

OK, I know.

I just don't like missing out.

Thinking about asking my dad to write a speech.

Can we not talk about your dad while you're lying on my penis, please?!

Who do you want to talk about?

She'll be back any second.

OK. Yeah, I'm ready. Oh, yeah, you are!

GEMMA PANTS, WATER SPLASHES

Oh!

GEMMA MOANS BREATHILY

Oh!

I've got cramp! Are you OK?!

GEMMA LAUGHS

See you tonight! BOTH: Bye!

You OK?

He'll be fine.

Right? Yeah.

I'm not one for small talk.

I prefer to put on audiobooks and podcasts, if that's cool for you.

I learned Spanish with my last partner.

Great.

ALERT CHIMES

Oh, we've got one.

PHONE NOTIFICATION

Yes, that's...really generous.

PHONE NOTIFICATION

Could you repeat that for me, please?

Is there any more cutlery?

Oh yeah, it's...

..this one.

TV: Jones' guys.

Terrible!

Bagsy the bathroom! You bastard!

No, don't you dare! Don't you dare.

Ha-ha! I don't even need the bathroom!

Please, I really need the loo...

That's cool...

She's showing off.

Whoo!

She's made of...I don't know what.

GEMMA CHEERS

That is so cool!

Do you want this?

I won't waste my time justifying credentials,

won't jump through your hoops just to prove my potential.

Won't stop banging on til there's justice for Grenfell.

I'm tired of liars for stoking the fires

and dividing us all just to climb one rung higher.

I'm tired each day of these walls in our way

and I'm tired of complaining about roles we can't play.

I'm not angry.

I'm tired.

I'm tired.

All right, I'm angry, too, but...

That's all I got!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tip your wait staff!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bit of politics. Thanks, Naima.

We're going to take a break, so, grab a drink and go to the loo.

Yes, Jason!

LAUGHING: That's not good!

What's the funny? Absolutely no. No.

What...what is it? Ray's dating profile. Don't do that to me.

What happened to, er, "future husband"?

Oh, God! That was...

..this guy from the photography studio thing.

Noah. He was a no. No?

Can I just... No!

Let me just list some things about you. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Er...

You're a dick!

A Gooner! Tate a bit... Tate...

OK.

Yes, exactly. Yes.

You make me sound amazing.

BOTH: You are amazing.

So, you are alive.

Oh, my God. We had a thing, didn't we?

Answer your phone. Hi. I'm Gemma. Kieran, hey.

What are you dressed as?

This is Moi.

I like my jumper.

Hey, I'm... I'm sorry, I forgot about Zumba. My phone was...

What's happening? What's happening to you, exactly?

I... Because, from the outside,

it seriously looks like you're losing your mind.

What's so special about them? They're my friends.

They're your landlords.

It's weird.

If you're trying to punish me for not telling you to quit

the team then... What are you talking about?

SHE GROANS

I just miss you!

I moved here to be with you and I'm living on a houseboat with

someone who plays Michael Buble's Christmas album in January.

Yo, Ray, can you take some drink orders when you get a sec?

They've got you working here, too?

What's going on, Wilson?

I'll call you tomorrow. Moi!

Am I around too much?

What are you saying?

If you two need more space, or... You can just tell me to...

I need you!

What?

I need... Can you... Can you please come and help me?

Oh! Why do men get to wear suits

and women have to dress like...

..Jane Austen's loo roll cover?

That's probably the...

FRENCH PRONUNCIATION: ..Patriarchy.

It's definitely the "patriar-shee."

It's OK. I'm sorry!

I don't remember my body without it.

Mum was driving me to judo.

A dog ran into the road and she swerved into a lorry.

She died.

I nearly did.

My life was saved by a surgeon called Stephanie who cried

and held my hands when she said I'd probably never have children.

And, as she was telling me,

I felt myself for the first time falling fully in love.

Why do dresses make me look more like my brother?

So, that's your type?

Medical staff?

There is no explanation for Kieran.

He's a total anomaly, in all senses.

He always wanted to be a dad.

The fact that he's given that up to be with me....

..I don't know how I got so lucky.

He is the... I mean, you both are the lucky one. Ones.

You both are.

I'm going to get, erm...

Will you do something for me?

Yes.

Mon dieu, this is complicated...

I think that's the one.

I think so, too!

Holy crap, I'm going to look fucking devastating.

Not be able to pee, though, in all of this.

I'll help.

We'll have a code word.

I pee a lot when I'm nervous.

I need to pee now, what's the code word?

Are you OK?

Yeah, I just need to...

Sh.

I'm not doing anything.

You're thinking too loudly.

I'm glad we're getting married.

GEMMA PANTS AND GRUNTS IN OTHER ROOM

GEMMA PANTS

KIERAN MOANS

GEMMA PANTS

RAY PANTS

Oh charmer, charmer, charmer, charmer.

GEMMA AND KIERAN MOAN

RAY PANTS

KIERAN LAUGHS

GEMMA MOANS

MOANING CONTINUES

GEMMA AND KIERAN KISS

GEMMA PANTS

GEMMA AND KIERAN LAUGH

Where is she? I don't know.

Bye, Ray!

DOOR CLOSES

Hiya! Oh, hey, hi.

Am I late? No.

I'm... I'm just always early.

You look nice. Thank you.

It's starting!

Yeah, but we should wait for Ray.

It'll be on catch-up.

Yeah, but...it's not the same.

Yeah, I know.

This looks amazing.

Everyone else is married with... with careers and houses

and it's like...it's like someone called my number and I didn't...

Like, I missed the number.

What am I saying?

You're comparing your life to a cheese counter.

Yeah! That's exactly what it is.

No! She knew!

She watched five minutes and she called it, the fucking genius!

I'm bursting for a piss.

Ray, you are a detective! Bathroom is that-a-way.

Hi!

Hi. These are my enemies.

There's some dinner, if you want some?

I've eaten. I had a date, and I ate with the date

at eight, from a plate.

THEY CHUCKLE WEAKLY

How have you been? Great!

Hi. Hey. My landlords live here,

we sort of share all the...thing.

Noah. Kieran. Hi. Yo, yo, yo.

Er, can I borrow this?

I'll pay you back.

Or you can take it out of my deposit. Sure.

Thank you, dah-ling!

This way...

DOOR CLOSES

Look...

SHE LAUGHS

MUSIC AND RAY'S LAUGHTER ECHO THROUGH WALLS

We should say something. No. What?!

No.

THUDDING

She's so drunk.

She's 30. You can't stop her if she wants to.

I'm not saying stop her, I'm just saying let's just check if she's OK.

It's none of our business, Gem. She's our friend.

And we'll be there for her tomorrow if...

Getting drunkenly fucked by unworthy men can live with you for much

longer and in much worse ways than women like to admit.

It's just not good enough.

He's obviously not.

THUDDING AND SHATTERING

Oh, fuck this! I'll go.

Oh, no, no, this is really broken.

Oh.

Look.

This is really bad! KNOCK ON DOOR

Woke the landlords.

What's up?!

Sorry to disturb, Ray, just wanted to check...

You're bleeding.

Ah, yeah.

I did a handstand and I knocked that down. Look!

Hey, it's all good, brother.

Ray, are you OK? Yes.

What do you mean? We just wanted to...check.

I know... We just care about you,

OK, and we just wanted to make sure you're...

I'm allowed to bring people back, aren't I?

I'm allowed to have a life?

Of course, yeah, yes, of course...

There's nothing in the tenancy agreement about...

..about being a fucking nun!

I will go and get those bandages for you, all right? Sorry.

Um, Ray, sorry, can I speak to you for one second?

Fucking no! No, you can't!

This... This is weird.

You're being weird.

We're not trying to be... Ray do you want me to... Go back to your room!

You don't get to do this. You don't.

Look, I'm going to... I'm going to go.

I feel like the vibe of the evening has pretty much gone. The vibe?

Yeah, you know?

Doesn't feel like you're going to want to...

You know? All right, we can still talk.

Yeah, I'm kind of tired.

Yeah, you're too tired to talk, but not too tired to...

You should definitely go.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

All right. Good luck.

DOOR SLAMS

SHE GROANS

SHE GAGS

SHE RETCHES

VOMIT SPLASHES

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, sh, sh.

RAY COUGHS

RAY GROANS

Whoa. The room is spinny.

You're all right.

It was a disaster.

SINGING: Yes! Tickets!

Oh, what?! Honeymoon, baby!

Here we come! Yes, Northern Lights!

I'm looking forward to this

more than the wedding! Oh, my God, me too.

Oh, yeah, Northern Lights, here we go!

Oh, yeah!

Need my keys.

Bye, babe. Mwah!

See you later!

Hm?

RAY LAUGHS

So, I have enough miles?

PHONE: You do, but upgrading them to first class will clean you out.

Do you want me to put this through? Yes.

OK. That's all done for you.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Hello?

Hello?

Yes, there is something.

Yes! Yes, my brother!

My brother!

We've got five players, you've got six.

WOMAN CHEERS

MAN: Yes, yes, yes!

Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Yes! Yes!

Did you see that?! I knocked all of the sticks down!

I saw! You are so good at bowling!

What are you doing? I'm going to head home.

No! No, why?! Just tired. Stay, stay, stay.

Have a really nice night, guys.

Ray! What are you doing this for? Wait, wait, just stay for one more.

We can just go back together. Please, I just... What's going on?

Nothing. What? Nothing, honestly. Are you OK?

I'm going to move out.

What? No, you're not. Shut up. I've got a job.

Six weeks of training, and then I start on the planes.

Air hostess? When?

Flight attendant, yeah. Cabin crew.

Congratulations. Awesome.

WOMAN: Kieran, it's your turn!

MAN: Kier! You're next!

Wait, you don't have to move out, though.

You'll still need somewhere to live. I don't understand.

Hurry up! The stags are losing to the hens!

Just take my turn, please.

Moi's aunt is going on a cruise next week, so... Next week?

..I'll be gone when you get back from honeymoon.

Thank you for inviting me tonight. Oi! My first strike

in the whole game and it's under your name! So typical!

Wait, wait. You don't have to pay what you're paying, all right?

No. Just tell us what works out and we'll...

Please, we don't have to talk about this now.

It's good, you'll have the place for yourselves.

We like you being there.

Yeah we'll... We'll be more tidy. I know we're gross, we'll be better.

Yeah! Please, guys, don't make this harder.

I just don't understand why.

You're getting married tomorrow.

It's going to be the most beautiful day and...

And the start of a big adventure and you don't want to be sharing

your marital home with a pathetic lodger who's in love with you.

Didn't mean to say that.

I'm drunk.

I'm emotional. Sorry.

It rains love when I'm with you

It rains love when I'm with you

You're my sun when the clouds roll through

It rains love when I'm with you

I may not be the richest man...

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