Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

COMMENTATOR SPEAKS IN DISTANCE

And the routine total for Plymouth A is 78.700.

APPLAUSE

This is start number four, representing Rushmore A.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Dancing On My Own by Robyn

MUSIC GROWS DISTANT

Ray? Oh, my God! Ray!

PANICKED VOICES

Bom dia, meu gatao. Dormiu bem?

WOMAN MOANS IN VIDEO

VIDEO STOPS

Bollocks.

PHONE RINGS

Tell me you're almost home.

You may need to start without me. I got...I got held up.

I have started without you.

I mean start the interview.

Are you watching...?

Yeah, it's what I expected...

You're a reckless idiot.

Next time, hero, let the grandma fall down the stairs.

Get dressed.

He's on his way, Gemma.

Use the siren.

It's not an emergency.

It is an emergency. I don't see you any more.

That's an exaggeration.

I don't want a lodger.

There's barely enough room for us.

Yeah, well, we need the money, so...

Can't we just declare bankruptcy?

Fake our deaths, move to Bali?

I miss you.

How close are you?

MOANING RESUMES

How close are YOU?

I could get there.

Don't hang up.

SHE MOANS

Seriously, dude, marry her.

999 mode activated. SIREN WAILS

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, my God.

Voce quer um cafe da manha? Do you want some breakfast? Hm?

CAT MEOWS

Excuse me!

I'm Ray.

Ray. Yes, hi.

Hi... Hi, hi.

Erm...

Yeah.

Hm!

The girl's coming to view the room, so we're going to have to be quick.

Fuck!

And that's Gemma.

Ray...

Er... Coffee? Tea?

Erm, tea.

Tea.

Great. One tea for Ray.

Sorry.

She's just getting dressed and screaming into a pillow.

Sorry, I'm always early.

No, no, this is actually probably a good ice-breaker for the right

person - seeing your prospective landlord's vagina.

I wasn't referring to Gemma as...

Not calling it an ice-breaker, or...

So, er, do you work nearby or...?

Erm, I'm retired.

Oh, OK, really?

Yeah. And you are, erm, a florist?

I'm trousered now, so...

You have every right to be untrousered in your own flat.

If you take the room, I promise you'll never have to see that again.

Yeah. We'll make it part of the tenancy agreement. Is that an offer?

We should interview you first.

You can't interview someone who's just seen your vagina... Stop.

..Gem, the best you can ask for is an informal chat, right?

Can we all just forget about my vagina?

Yes. No.

Seriously! What do we need to ask?

Er, you want me to interview myself?

He's just come off a night shift and I'm flustered for no reason.

Yeah, plus everyone else we've met has been clinically insane.

Are you clinically insane, Ray?

Erm... Does pyromania count?

That's a joke. It's funny,

We're clicking. This is going well.

So, I can make the rent, I can give you deposit, I don't smoke,

I'm tidy, I'm respectful, I'm quiet,

I try to be a good person,

I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents, so...

..desperate.

Yeah, and you promise not to mention anything about Gemma's vagina?

I promise nothing.

Fuck both of you guys!

Do you have any questions for us?

Er, no.

I already know too much.

Yeah.

What can she mean she's retired?

See her bruises?

She might have a bad boyfriend.

Or girlfriend.

I'm just saying. She might have.

We had phone sex.

I had phone sex!

Whoa!

For fuck's sake, Kieran, again?

What? Oh, yeah. You should see the other guy.

It was an old lady, Gem, and she's fine now, all right?

Saviour of the fucking needy...!

How is that a bad thing, though?

Course you want to give this battered woman the room,

fucking damsel in distress. Just your type.

Oh, says the woman with her knickers off

hoping our new lodger's a lesbian?

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I can't keep living this lie.

This six-year hetero blip is over and I'm back on the muff!

I'm late for work. We'll argue when we get back.

Yeah, sure.

What else would we do?

Not fuck.

You're too injured and I'm too gay, apparently.

WOMAN MOANS IN VIDEO

VIDEO STOPS

The hell is this?

Oh, this is Asher, Chef. My cousin. Can he hang out here?

I'll end up training more people than I'm serving.

Are you smoking weed?

No. No, no.

Oh...it's 8am!

I haven't been to sleep yet.

Oh, thank you, Tom. Hi. Here you go.

See you on Tuesday. Cheers. Bye.

All right, Asher, take off your jacket and help me with the chairs.

Right, grab the last two, yeah?

MUSIC: Witness (1 Hope) by Roots Manuva

OK, Gemma, this is all mad.

You've heard this before.

No.

I was born in 2002.

What? No, you weren't cos...

No, I was.

Oh, my God, I'm old...

This is to remind you that you're mortal,

next time you feel like being a reckless twat...

Oh!

Dick.

We won't be able to argue when the lodger moves in.

ALARM BEEPS

Better make the most of it, then.

Another night shift?

If we can't even make time to argue, then what even are we?

I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but I have to go.

Don't be too brave.

Good morning.

PEACEFUL PIANO MUSIC

Goodnight.

SHE EXHALES

IN FRENCH:

Oh, my God...

Pull yourself together, Mick.

OK. OK.

MUSIC: May You Never by John Martyn

Well, Moira does have a flair for the dramatic.

It's a big change for Moira and the team.

It's a big change for everyone.

It's too fussy.

It needs to be simple.

The point is the food and the people and that

this isn't yet another overpriced hipster gentrification nightmare.

Not that I don't want those customers, I just don't want to

you know, price out the locals or be part of the problem. PHONE RINGS

Chef, someone's here for an interview.

Oh... Victor can you get the phone?

Properly, like I taught you.

Erm... Hi. Hiya.

You're a student? Yeah, postgrad, Goldsmiths.

Design, but I've worked in cafes before.

What do you think...of this?

It's too fussy, right?

I'm just... I'm here for a waitressing job.

You're over-qualified.

How is that...? How is that a problem?

All right, so, we'll go simpler.

We'll paint the walls, new lighting...

Er, it's that front you need to sort, cos I just...

..I just walked right past the place.

Exactly. People still think we're a lawyer's.

OK, then, start at the front.

You could... Yeah, OK, Nick, can you just let me...?

Can you work a coffee machine?

Yeah.

OK, tell me...

..how much are we talking?

Just don't understand! How - HOW - can this cost �500?!

Yeah, well, if you want it done properly, Gemma!

To paint a sign! If you want a professional job!

Ugh! You must know I can't afford that, Caroline!

No! What the hell is happening?! Perfect.

Gemma, if you don't want me to die at work,

I need to sleep between shifts!

Gem, she's not trying to screw you...

Why does everything cost money?!

Here, let me...

I've got this.

You know, for what you're paying,

you can have a place to yourself in Aldershot.

I don't need reminders that I have wasted my life...

You're an Olympian.

You've met the Queen.

You've achieved more in your 30 years

than some have achieved in their entire lives.

You should have stopped me.

If you're looking for ways to blame your problems

on supportive parents...

..then you SHOULD see a therapist.

And we'll send you the cheque as we always do.

Jesus, Mathilde.

What? What did I say?

Maman...

Mon bebe...

What is this stuff?

Very niche sex toys.

It was very nice meeting you...both.

We'll take good care of her.

Bye.

Bye.

What are you doing?

Station.

Mick wants you to have the car.

You use it more than I do.

Dad, I won't need a car in London.

Drive safe, Momo.

Thank you.

You are a silly, soft man. Come on.

We should tell her about the broadband.

That it's too slow for pornography?

The password, you pervert.

Hi. Hey, hey.

Hi, welcome home! Thank you.

Are there any more boxes outside?

No. I'm going to...

I need to...prep for lunch. Yep.

Erm, do you want help with that box? I'm OK.

Hey, your new lodger is seriously... I will kill you.

Again? You're taking the mick, you know!

Hi, is everything OK for you guys?

So, I seem to be working here now,

but we haven't talked about hours or pay.

Long hours, low pay. Just give me one second.

Are we going to address the way you just looked at her?

Should we address the way YOU just looked at her?

I don't expect you to not notice that she's obviously...

..objectively...

..aesthetically...

I've noticed that.

It's not going to be a problem for me.

Is it going to be a problem for you?

Answer quicker.

Are you...unhappy?

It just shouldn't be this hard.

We're working every waking minute and can't afford to put up a sign

or pay our mortgage without taking in a stranger.

I...feel like we're at breaking point.

What, us?

No, everything.

THUD UPSTAIRS

I need to go out for a bit.

Don't.

Please don't just disappear...!

WOMAN ON PHONE: You could've moved onto my aunt's houseboat

if you wanted somewhere cramped and cluttered.

It isn't that cramped. Look.

Hey, that's my lamp!

I thought you gave it to me?

CLATTERING Careful. You'll lose the deposit on your cupboard.

It's not a cupboard.

Do you have all the details about the job tomorrow?

Moi?

Ray? Ray?

Moira?

Are you there?

The Wi-Fi is crap.

Ray, if you can hear me, I'll meet you there at ten.

MOIRA: Wilson? Am I in your shirt?

Sorry, I didn't know how to mute you and someone just came in.

Kind of intense to be thrust into your belly button.

How is everybody?

The same! Everyone's always the same!

Forget them!

Forget us all! You've escaped!

You're in London having adventures!

You're an adventuress!

I'll see you tomorrow, OK? Don't be late.

Love you. Shave your legs.

MUSIC: Stay Low by DLK

Totally insane.

CHATTER

That's it. Loose up a little.

Right, no, come on, you three.

Three? Yes, you.

Kitchen duties now.

Wash your hands.

I want to show you something useful.

Hey. Hey.

Thank you.

Are you sure you don't mind? Nan gave it to you.

Yeah, so Mum couldn't pawn it.

Nan would fully endorse this decision.

Don't you want to...? If a man wants to take on me and Danny,

he can damn well by me a new one.

Ah!

There you go.

We used to play weddings, do you remember? Yeah.

Pillowcase on my head!

Didn't I marry...

..Ricky P...in the first placement?

Ricky P, yeah, I officiated!

Well, I hope she says yes.

You are an arsehole.

I hope she can overlook your many, many flaws!

OK. Enough of that.

No, I put loads of flour and it's still not working. No, listen to me.

Are you wanting to do it properly or not? Yes.

OK. "Yes, Chef." Yes, Chef.

Pass that to me. Yep. Unless you want to have a go at this?

Do you want to have a go at this? Yeah.

Do this. OK. There. Yes. Don't pull it up.

You can put the spoon... Oh, and then just tuck it out.

..through the back, tuck it underneath.

But you need to throw this away, guys, please. Concentrate.

We're going to chuck this away, like I said,

because you don't need to use this any more because you've ruined it.

Right, chuck this out.

Asher's going to get your apprenticeship, Victor.

Pay attention, yeah?

SLOW-PACED MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, um, thanks for today, Chef.

You are so welcome, Asher.

Where have you been?

No, wait. I smell like fish guts!

When do you finish?

I'm done. Can we go out? What, now? Aren't you exhausted?

Yeah, I'm practically dead, but I miss you.

Somewhere cheap? Mm-hm.

Oh! Well, yeah, fish guts.

Ah! Hey! Hey!

You've got a date. I'm taking you out.

Oh! Va-va-voom! Va-va... Va-va... Ha!

TV: At this stage, though...

Hey! Hey. Hey!

How are you settling in? Great. I'm watching a wildlife documentary.

It's quite traumatic.

We love this show! We call it Nature's Bastards.

We're going for a drink. That sounds amazing. I'm so bored!

Do I have time to shower?

Um... Yeah. Mm-hm.

Of course.

Yo! We need...

We need a night of just us, we need to talk!

I know!

This is the situation that we find ourselves in.

Oh... Now? Yeah.

Quickly!

And quietly.

THEY BOTH MOAN

I'll be five minutes.

Okey dokey! SHE GIGGLES

Jesus, Maria, Jose!

OK, I need to... More...

Put on face...

Where are we going? Oh, this place Gemma used to work at.

It's nice.

It's really quiet.

MUSIC PLAYS

Should we...?

Should we go for a quieter drink?

Do you want to go somewhere else? Great, guys. Stay?

Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah.

I am guessing that this is your first night out in London?

Ahh, everyone looks amazing!

Look, that's Jason! Gemma knows him.

That's great! Oh, wow.

Oh, my God! We finally made it out, babe, thank you!

They're really good. Shall we stay?

Let's stay, let's stay. Let's stay, let's stay, yeah.

I love you, Gem. Love you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to wash my hands, actually.

Oh, sorry...

No, you are not in my way.

What did I do?

Oh, my God, what have you done!

Oh, your hair is so knotty...

Oh, shit!

Oh! Are you OK, hon? What did you lose?

A ring.

Nobody move! Nobody move!

Loose jewellery!

Gemma? Jason!

What happened here?

They were going to close and they let me do a drag night on a Friday

and we smashed it, now it's the whole weekend!

I used to work here with Jason.

Ray. Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you.

So, did you and Kieran finally...?

She's our lodger, you twat...!

Excuse me. I'm sorry. I am sorry.

Oh! Check under my skirt...

Is it...? No. No.

I DO!

GENTLE LAUGHTER

Oh, thank you! You're amazing.

Now you may kiss the bride.

Congratulations!

Gem, I want to talk to you about something.

You pillock...

Can we go somewhere quieter?

What?

Thank God! She's a dork, just like us.

Speak for yourself, dork.

I've never been to a drag night before and it's really fun!

Never used to be like this.

We haven't been here in ages.

Haven't been anywhere in ages.

Oh, my God... I have crashed your date.

I am so sorry.

Ray, you haven't. I'm an idiot, I am so sorry.

Don't be silly, Ray, come on.

I'm going back to the flat.

What? What? No. Stay. Stay.

CHEERING

All right, all right.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome, friends and lovers.

You're all very welcome.

Even this adorable trio of interlopers.

Tell me, which one of you's the unicorn?

Only kidding, only kidding, I don't really care.

What does that mean - "unicorn"? Now I wouldn't be here, and none

of you glorious queens would be here if it wasn't for the legendary,

the pioneering Ms Nina Fahrenheit!

ALL: MOVE OVER!

What does that mean? I have no fucking idea.

The UK drag scene owes her a huge debt.

Come say a few words, Midge.

Hello, all.

GREETINGS FROM CROWD

Some of you may know that Nina Fahrenheit was known

to her family as Graham Buchanan.

I am Graham's sister.

Two days ago, we scattered some of Graham's ashes on the Heath.

But we've yet to say goodbye to Nina.

CHEERING

MUSIC: You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) by Sylvester

I feel like shit.

I really appreciate you not making fun of me.

Why would we?

People think it's camp and stupid.

Have you seriously not googled me?

That's kind of irresponsible.

It's none of our business.

I couldn't find anything.

You googled Ray, not Ramona.

You're a spy.

Let's get this over with.

I am going to get whatever cocktails take the longest to make.

What if we just don't look?

Yeah. We could just not look at it.

You got any lash glue, Jason? I've sweated these right off.

Must be going through the change.

I am, I'm sorry about your friend.

I told her, skydiving's for the young.

So, you live with them?

I moved in today.

Oh, shit. There's a whole team of her.

Babe...

She was awesome...

A unicorn is...

..you know how the odd-one-out is a lemon?

You mean a gooseberry?

A unicorn is the opposite.

I don't understand.

It's the third party who makes it, you know...

..a party.

Oh.

Oh.

What's that one? "Accident"?

What happened? Oh, God.

Is she going to be OK? Is she going to be OK?

Those are on me.

It's rare to meet a unicorn.

That's because they're mythical.

The way they're looking at you, you're definitely not a lemon.

Do you believe in signs?

What, like from the universe?

Do you?

Yes. No.

I should have quit after the Olympics.

I could have gone to college.

Retrained.

Had a life.

You have a life.

Not like you two.

You've been places, done stuff.

Had adventures.

And I've been in a pool the whole time.

I ignored every sign saying stop.

Not any more.

Next instruction I get from the universe, I am going to listen.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Wait, don't rub it, I know this!

It was crazy.

Fuck.

So, this for hair.

And coconut oil for the skin.

I can't believe this knowledge has a real-world application!

Am I doing this right? Yeah. Then what?

And then with water. I'll end up like a mermaid.

Is it coming off? No.

You've gotta put oil on first.

I shouldn't have got in the pool that day.

I knew it.

I'd been pushing too hard for too long.

I couldn't keep up.

Does it hurt?

No, it's OK... It's like yours.

Angry drunks, falling grannies...

He's kind of a hero.

Yeah. Mine's less heroic.

Bigger, though.

How about you?

Or is she perfect?

Sorry... It's fine. She is.

She is perfect.

Err, I... I'd better...

Yeah. We'll let you get to it.

Goodnight. Night. Thanks for the tip.

Goodnight, Ray. Yeah.

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