Original subtitles

Penitence.

-Hey. -Hi.

-Where? -Eight down.

"Regret over one's misdeeds."

Ah.

-Thank you, Donut. -Sure.

-Good morning. -Morning.

-You want some breakfast? -No, I'm good.

I can't stay too long. I...

I'm actually having brunch with Hannah.

I just wanted to pop in and see what you were up to.

Well, you know me -- the usual whirlwind of activity.

Nonstop activity.

How about you? What's going on?

Well, um...

I have a little news.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Dad.

Who's the guy?

What do you mean, "Who's the guy?"

Jason.

-Jason Webber? -Yes.

Okay, so, I thought that he was your fail-safe,

like if you couldn't find anybody better,

like your safety school.

No, Dad, he's not my safety school.

-God. Be nice. -Well, come on, he's a doorknob.

I mean, he's nice, he's amiable, but he's a doorknob.

Okay, don't sugarcoat it. I mean, how do you really feel?

Well, I think that the passion

runs out of a relationship fast enough

without starting, you know, handicapped

right out of the gate by marrying a pencil pusher.

I'm in love with him.

Well...fine. You're in love with him.

Then why ruin it by getting married?

Yes, I know, that's what our generation did.

-We got married, we had kids -- -And you got divorced.

Exactly. So, what did I learn from that?

The only purpose of marriage is to make it more difficult

for two people who are miserable together to break up.

-You are such a romantic, Pop. -Well, I mean it.

Come on, now. What's -- Why are you doing this?

I mean, if you love him and you're happy together,

you don't need a piece of paper to stay together.

But I want to have kids.

What is this, the '50s?

You don't need to get married to have kids.

You don't even need a man.

Geez, Dad, you know, I-I... I don't know.

This is not the pep talk that I had hoped it would be.

A simple...congratulations, that would have been just fine.

Fine, fine, fine, fine. All right.

Maybe you and Jason will be the exception to the rule.

But if you know going in that it's all gonna fade,

maybe you'll have a little less disappointment in the end.

Thank you. Are you sure you don't want to...order?

All right.

So, what about your mother, huh?

How...How is she?

She's fine, I think.

She's going to be out here next week actually.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Like a writing conference or something.

Huh.

Maybe I should give her a call.

What, you don't think I should?

Do whatever you want.

You always do.

-What's that supposed to mean? -Nothing.

Forget it. I just... I don't know.

I think maybe you should give her a little space right now.

I think she and Jack are having some problems.

-Really? -Jesus.

You know what, if you took as much pleasure

in people's happiness as you do their misery, then maybe

you'd be a little more excited about my engagement.

I do take pleasure in your being happy.

That's why I don't want you to get married.

You know, you don't even have to come if you don't want to.

I mean, I can always have Jack walk me down the aisle.

Well, now, that is a terrible thing to say.

Oh

What do you expect?

I mean, you can't even fake being excited for me.

Well, what can I say?

I, you know, maybe I need a little time to absorb this.

I mean, come on, give me a break.

You know, it's like a little bit of a shock

to have with my morning breakfast.

I'm really sorry to upset your routine.

Sweetheart, look, I'm sorry.

I know. I'm being a jerk, right?

I'm playing the overprotective father, I guess.

I don't know.

I better go. I'm gonna be late.

No, no. Will you have some breakfast with me?

-This is my treat. -Rain check, okay?

So, are you gonna see Mom while she's here?

I thought you just said that I shouldn't.

I said you always do what you want.

Bye. Later, 'gator.

All right, sweetheart.

Hey.

Hey.

How are you?

I'm good. How about you?

I'm good. I'm real good. I'm, uh...

I...I hear that you're -- that you're coming to L.A.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm speaking at a conference.

Wow.

So, where... where are you staying?

Someplace downtown.

The...Palermo or --

It's by the convention center.

Wait, wait. Not the Palmer.

Yeah, that's it. The Palmer.

You're kidding.

'Cause that -- No, 'cause that's my --

that's my regular gig. That's where I play.

Really?

Yeah. So, you have to come down.

You have to hear me play while you're here.

I mean, it's not the, you know, Hollywood Bowl, but --

-I would love to. -Good.

Now, listen, um, I was also wondering maybe...

if you would like to...

have dinner or something, um, while you're here.

'Cause I'm... I'm off on, uh --

I'm off on Mondays, I'm off on Thursday.

Well, yeah, I suppose I could do it tomorrow after I get in.

That sounds good. Where do you want to go?

Um, well, there's a great little bistro

right around the corner from where you're staying.

We could, uh, meet down in the bar like around 7:00.

I could...

We could have a drink and, uh, have a bite.

What do you say?

Yeah, sure. Tomorrow at 7:00.

All right.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye, Robert.

Bye, darlin'.

Hey, doll.

Hey, foxy.

I didn't know you were playing tonight.

No, I'm not. I'm meeting someone.

Want to fix me up with a scotch?

Sure thing.

So...this meeting.

A woman?

Yeah, but it's no competition for you, my love.

-It's my ex-wife. -Oh, yikes.

-Yeah. -Nervous?

No, I'm not.

It's just I'm worried that we're not going to have

anything to talk about.

I mean, we were together for 14 years,

but, still, I haven't talked to her for a long time.

I mean, I'm pretty sure if you were together for 14 years

you have something in common.

Yeah, but, I don't know. It's strange.

Have you ever found yourself in the position where, like,

you don't know exactly who's gonna walk through the door

even though it's somebody you've known for, like, 30 years?

I haven't been alive for 30 years.

Ah.

-Hey. -Hey.

Wow. Hi.

Hey.

-Can I get you something? -Oh, sure.

Any kind of white wine will be fine, thanks.

BARTENDER: Sure.

You look...

You look fantastic.

Thank you. How are you?

I'm good. You okay?

Yeah, yeah. I can't complain, really.

Good, good.

So, tell me about this conference.

What's that all about?

Oh, thank you.

Um...it's this thing for librarians.

My, um...

My publisher wants me out here

to schmooze and talk and try to sell some books.

All right, good. Well, here's to books.

All right. Sounds like fun, right?

Yeah, well, they pay for my trip and expenses --

Dinner's on me, by the way --

and I get to see Jenny... and you.

Mm-hmm. Did I tell you that I really loved

the last one that you wrote,

the one about the, um, congressman?

-You read it? -Yeah, of course I read it.

I read everything that you write.

No, I go into Barnes & Noble and places,

and I check to see that your stuff is on the shelves.

And if it is, I pick it up, and I...I flip through it.

Yeah, just to see if your name is in the acknowledgements.

-You are such a narcissist. -No, no, no, no, no.

It is because I am so very proud of you.

I mean, how many people say that "I'm going to be a writer"?

How many people actually do it?

How many people can make a living at it?

I don't make much of a living,

and, as you always like to point out, I have a benefactor.

Yeah, but, still, you are leaving the world

with something that will be here long after you're gone,

and not many people can say that, including me.

What about Jenny?

-Hmm? -Well, Jenny --

Look, any goofball can knock somebody up. I mean, come on.

Will you be proud, for God's sake? I mean, come on.

I can see that you're still terrible at taking compliments.

I'm just a little superstitious.

I'm afraid that if I get too cocky...

I won't be able to write anymore.

Yeah, well, you've been grinding them out lately.

I mean, how many? Four? Five?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's my way of doing things --

quantity over quality.

But, see, there you go again. Will you take a compliment?

I'm sorry. Yeah.

I guess I've kind of been on a roll lately.

The only thing that stinks

is I don't have a chance to read for pleasure anymore.

I'm too busy working on my own stuff.

You still read a lot?

Yeah, I do.

I try to plow through like one or two books a week.

-Wow. -Yeah.

-Read anything good lately? -Mm-hmm.

Historical fiction -- this guy Dan Simmons.

-Ohh. -Yeah. No, it's good.

And I just reread Updike.

Yeah. I mean, after he died.

You hate Updike.

Mm. Well, when I was 25.

I mean, a guy's entitled

to change his opinions about some things.

Sure, but I just remember

that when we first got together you were so vehement.

You thought he was

an egocentric, self-absorbed white guy

who was obsessed with the minutiae of his own little life.

Yeah, but then I became

an egocentric, self-absorbed white guy,

and his stuff started to make some sense to me.

Okay, so, um, you want to -- Take our drinks.

Let's go upstairs. Go up there?

-Okay? Ah, sure.

Wow.

Yeah.

Here.

So, where do you play?

Uh, well, the nights that I play,

they set up a little keyboard right over there --

a little electric.

-You like it? -Yeah.

Sure. Yeah. I get to play almost every night.

I get paid for what I do.

Hard to beat.

I guess.

What?

You know...

I just think sometimes you don't expect very much out of life.

I haven't worked at a job that I hated since I was 20.

Now, how many people can say that?

You're right. You're right.

You still living in the same place?

Yeah. But not all of us can live in a palatial estate.

Mm-hmm. Here we go.

I just think there's a middle ground

between a studio apartment the size of a jail cell

and a palatial estate.

I mean, you think I'm Imelda Marcos

just 'cause I want my own bathroom.

Well, what can I say?

I-I-I like to have a low overhead.

I like to have limited expenses

and limited involvement with other people

because, for those of us

who don't have the option of marrying into money,

it's the only way to sustain a career in the arts.

I think you're selling yourself short.

There must be a lot of rich widows and divorcíes

coming through here.

You could find yourself a patron.

And on that subject... how's your love life?

Are you seeing anyone right now?

What happened to that girl? What was her name?

Uh, Tangerine? Pi--

-Cherry. Cherry. -Apple?

Cherry. Cherry. Badly. It ended very badly. Yeah.

And it ended a long time ago.

And, uh, there was a lot of drama.

I'm so surprised there's a lot of drama dating a 21-year-old.

Yeah, 'cause the women my age

are so uncomplicated and easy.

Yeah, you wouldn't know what to do with them if they were.

As long as I've known you, you've always dated

-the most complicated women. -Well, what can I say?

It's the crazy ones who are the best in bed.

Oh. So, you're saying I'm either nuts or a lousy lay.

-You were never a lousy lay. -Thank you.

You're being evasive. Are you seeing anyone right now?

Look, a lot of, you know, flight attendants

and business travelers come through those doors,

and, yes, sometimes I end upstairs in one of their rooms.

But right now I am seeing someone.

I mean, I go over to their house,

you know, a couple times a week.

But nothing serious.

The bartender?

Yeah.

-She's Jenny's age!

Don't you want to be with someone

that gets all your references?

Look, I-I-I don't have to talk about Thelonious Monk

and the Cuban Missile Crisis while I'm having sex.

Yeah, but it might make the time before and after...

-...a little less boring. -What time after?

Look, I go back to their rooms.

I never have anybody back to my place.

They wouldn't fit.

All right, be nice, okay?

It's part of my exit strategy, okay?

Because I like to be in a position

to leave when I want to leave.

And, most nights, I'm -- I'm home alone.

I'm -- I'm -- I'm comfy and cozy in my bed

long before "Letterman" is over.

That is so sad.

Wouldn't it just be easier to masturbate?

Yes, maybe.

But, see, when it comes to women

I've always had the FMS syndrome.

The FMS syndrome?

-'Fraid I'll Miss Something.

No, 'cause -- No, I see a woman, and I want to know,

what's it like to have sex with her?

Don't they all just blend together after a while?

No, no, no. Au contraire. They're like snowflakes.

You're such a slut.

Okay, I love women, therefore I'm a slut?

No, I don't think love has anything to do with it.

I wouldn't be surprised to know

that you don't even like some of the women you go to bed with.

Unh-unh-unh, okay, you know, you've got me there because --

All right. Here's the difference between men and women --

Men do not have to like women to have sex with them, okay?

I have sex with women I'm not even attracted to.

-Oh, God, that's disgusting! -All right, all right.

-Oh, my God! -All right, fine.

Tell me about the Executioner.

What about him? Come on.

-Jack is fine, thanks. -Yeah.

And he is a prosecuting attorney, not an Executioner.

-Yeah. -Some people might even say...

...that he makes quite a contribution to society.

Yes, because somebody's got to do it.

-Aha. -Yeah.

I-I have just never quite understood the psychology

that drives somebody to make a career out of punishing people,

because I think that life doles out enough punishment as it is.

Well, I know.

It's not as morally elevated

as playing piano in a hotel bar for tips

and going to bed with barflies.

But not all of us can lead the soulful life of an artist.

Okay, now, speaking of soul-numbing exercises,

do you know that Jenny is engaged?

Yeah, Bob, I know. She told me.

And what, you're o-- You're okay with that?

Webber's an okay guy. She could do a lot worse.

"An okay g--" Okay, since when was that the standard?

I was a feminist when I was her age.

I mean, I fought battles

so that women -- people -- of her generation

could have a choice, could have freedom,

could have things that, you know, they don't even want.

I mean, she seems to be happy

to be in the same cages that we were in.

Well, what does that tell you?

Maybe these things that you scoff at

actually have a little value.

Yeah, a little value, and maybe people are morons.

I don't know. But you were no Gloria Steinem.

The only reason you marched for the Equal Rights Amendment

was to get laid.

It's the purest form of feminism.

I love everything about women,

including wanting to have sex with as many women as possible.

Does it ever occur to you that there are some things

that might not be appropriate to discuss with your ex?

Okay. So, what do you have to be jealous about?

I mean, from where I sit, you have everything

anybody could possibly want.

Oh, yeah, my life is just perfect. Uh-huh.

You wanted to be -- You wanted a career --

successful career -- as a writer. Got it.

You wanted a successful marriage.

You got it, although on the second try.

And that gave you the third thing that you always wanted,

which was to write without having to worry

about where your next meal was coming from.

So, you tell me, what's the problem?

Why do you always have to reduce my marriage to Jack

to economics?

What, it's about more than that?

Give me a break.

No, I am giving you a break.

I-I-I am -- I am respecting you enough

that you would acknowledge the truth --

which is not that you don't love Jack, okay?

I think you do.

But that, if you would fall in love

with a guy who made $30,000 a year

instead of a guy who made $250,000 a year,

you would not have left me for him.

I didn't come down here to get lectured.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Don't. Please don't. -What?

-Don't be so sensitive. -How can I not be sensitive?

You're basically calling me a whore!

Okay. You know I don't think that you're a whore.

Now, come on. Please.

I'm being a j-- I'm being a jerk, all right?

I'm sorry.

Please don't -- No, please don't go. Please.

Here.

Sit here, next to me.

Drink wine.

Lots of wine.

Come on.

Thank you.

You're just jealous because you wish you had what I have.

Yes, you're right.

I wish that I were married so that I could have a woman

to tell me where to put my fucking spoons and stuff.

-Okay? No. -I don't know --

You're so crazy. You are...

-I don't know. -What?

I just think this whole indifference-to-love thing

that you've got going on is just an act.

Really.

I've known you for a long time, Robert.

And in your heart, you are the biggest romantic that I know.

Okay

All cynics are romantics at heart, okay?

We are cynics because the world did not live up

to our stupid romantic expectations.

You know, I've been trying to reconcile

with the way I want the world to be

with the way that it actually is my whole life.

Now, did I tell you that, after we split up, after --

I mean right after, after you moved out --

-...that I went back to school? -No, you didn't tell me that.

I did. I did. Yes, I did.

I uh, -- I was -- You know, extension courses,

but the first one I took was an English class,

and it was called The Literature of Romance.

And we read books by C.S. Lewis --

"The Allegory of Love." Did you ever read that?

-Unh-unh. No. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's, you know, basically a critical study

of how love was treated

in medieval and Renaissance literature.

And Lewis contends that romantic love,

as we, you know, know it,

was a literary invention.

It didn't even exist before the 12th century

or something like that, so...

-Really? -Yeah.

I-I-I go back, you know, thinking that higher education

is gonna help me make sense of my --

you know, the wreckage of my life,

and -- and yet then I find out that --

that the stuff that I'm obsessing about,

it doesn't even exist.

And so I come out of those classes worse than I went in.

-Wow. -Yeah.

I just can't believe that you read C.S. Lewis.

-Yeah. -You hate him.

Yeah, I know. It was part of the class.

It was before he became a Jesus freak,

and so it had some merit.

So, you're still a cynic about spirituality.

No. Realist.

-Ha ha ha. -Yeah, no. Okay.

The "imaginary friends," they're for guys who think

they have all the answers, like your husband.

I am not one of those guys.

You're hopeless.

Are you hungry?

-Yeah. -Yes, all right.

Yeah, I'm still on Chicago time.

All right.

Let's get something to eat.

I'm gonna pay for these drinks.

We'll have fun.

Give her a big tip.

Yeah.

Hey.

Here you are. Just keep the change.

Thanks. Don't hurt yourself.

See you later, doll.

Hi. Hi.

-Two? -Yes, please.

-It'll be just one minute.

It's Jenny.

-Go ahead, take it. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Sorry.

Hi, honey.

Yeah, I'm just stepping into dinner with your dad.

-No, Robert.

Yes, I'm in L.A. Today. I just got in.

Listen, honey, I was wondering --

um, maybe we could go shopping for a dress on Sunday.

I know, but since I'm here, maybe we co--

Uh...Uh, listen, I think I'm being rude.

I-I should probably get off.

Do you want to talk to your dad?

Oh, okay. Well, I-I love you.

Um, I'll call you later. Bye.

She, uh, says hi.

-She's running... -Yeah. Sure.

-What is wrong with you? -Well, you weren't at breakfast.

Right this way. Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Your server will be with you shortly.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

All right, so, what do you think of this place?

Kind of a cool, huh?

-Yeah. It's perfect. -Yeah?

Hi. I'm Staci. I'll be your server.

Can I get you anything to drink?

Yeah, I'll have a glass of water

and, um...some Chardonnay.

-Chardonnay? -Yes, and I'll have water, too,

and whatever your best scotch is.

-All right. -On the rocks, please.

-I'll be right back with those. -Thank you.

So, what's good?

You know, I don't know.

I haven't been here for five years.

No, I haven't. No.

These days my idea of a night out is...

the Del Taco where the tranny hookers used to hang out.

-Wow. -Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm glad I took you.

Mm-hmm. I'm glad to be taken.

Just absolutely starving.

The only thing I ate on the plane was chocolate.

Hmm. Chocolate.

You got to watch out for chocolate.

It makes you feel like you're in love.

Yeah, in love with sugar.

Hmm? No, no, no. There's a chemical --

There's a chemical.

Ethyl something. You know, I don't know.

But it's the same chemical that your brain produces

when you are in love.

So that's why chocolate is so addicting.

I thought you just told me that love was a literary invention.

Yeah, well, I suppose it's like anything else, you know.

It kind of depends on who you ask.

Do you know what you'd like, or do you need a few more minutes?

No, I'm good. I-I -- If you are.

Uh, yeah. You order, and I'll -- I'll get there...

All right, so, I'm gonna have the --

I'm gonna have the, uh...

the Tasmanian wild salmon, medium.

Um, and I'll have the filet mignon --

medium, as well.

Whoa, whoa.

-Great. -So, so -- Thank you.

So, Jenny hasn't, uh,

pressured you into becoming a vegan yet.

I listen to her lectures,

but I just can't stop eating meat.

Yeah, no, me either.

Yeah, well, you know,

rationally, I agree with every one of her arguments

about the environment and the methane gas

and, you know, everything.

But then I see a Quarter Pounder with Cheese,

and I just got to have it.

-Me too. Yeah. -

-Here's to meat. -Meat.

Mm. Ooh.

Did you, um, see that movie "Fast Food Nation"?

-Mnh, no. -No?

It's basically about, you know, how we're eating shit

when we put this...stuff into our systems.

-You know?

But not only are we eating shit,

we're destroying the environment,

we are supporting the system

that exploits the immigrant workers,

-I mean, et cetera, et cetera. -I know.

So, I come out of the movie, and I'm all fired up.

Like I'm, you know,

I'm gonna change my eating habits, right?

-And...And you did? -Yeah, yeah, for an hour.

Then I'm driving by the, uh, Astroburger,

and the smell is like ridiculous.

So I spin a U-turn. I almost kill a guy in a wheelchair.

So, why did you order salmon, then?

Salmon -- No, because I go to my physical.

My doctor tells me my cholesterol is through the roof.

Yeah. And I know this shocks you because of my refined palate,

but I have to cut down on the steaks

and the -- and the cheeseburgers and the --

really, or else I got to worry

that my next meal is my last meal.

-Well, that sucks. -Yeah.

Well, no, it's just part of getting older.

That's what sucks.

-Mm? -Getting older.

No, no, no, no. I am not so sure.

I-I think there are a lot of advantages.

-Like what? -Like the fact that I, uh --

I don't give a shit about anything anymore.

-And that's a good thing? -Yes.

Well, I don't know. You knew me when I'm 20, right?

In my 20s.

You, uh, you remember that I was insane, right?

-No, that I took everything

so seriously, that I -- no --

that I-I got worked up over everything.

No, that I-I-I cared about people that I didn't even know,

you know, people who lived in other countries,

countries that I haven't even been to yet.

-I do remember that. -Right.

It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you.

Oh, come on. Come on. Really.

But what good did that do anybody?

I mean, we're all still as messed up as we ever were.

No, these days, I-I don't even want to think

about the rest of the world.

I want to play my piano, I want to read my books,

and I want to be left alone.

You know, but I-I suppose,

you know, for all my mocking of the Executioner,

that, on some level, I-I envy him.

I do. You know, his certainty,

I mean, this -- this kind of belief

that you can still make the world a better place.

I don't have that anymore.

No.

I don't care about anything.

What about Jenny? I know you care about her.

Okay, Jenny. Okay, but --

No, but even with Jenny, it's complicated.

I think she's a great kid,

this insanity with Webber notwithstanding, okay?

But, you know, I-I-I find myself feeling proud

about the way that she turned out,

and then I feel bad about feeling good.

Why shouldn't you feel proud? She's awesome.

-Because she's not really mine. -Oh.

No, I had nothing to do with --

No, you deserve all the credit. You, Emily.

I-I haven't been a meaningful part of her life for...

what, years.

She adores you. She loves you.

Yes, because she has low standards.

She gets that from her mother.

-You're too hard on yourself. -Yeah.

No. Huh? Me?

-No, I was talking about Jack. -Oh!

-Jerk. -Oh!

You know, you're very...mature.

Look, I'm...

I feel really bad about us,

you know, not talking for a long time. I...

Butter or olive oil or something?

-I'm sorry. -Um...

I should've called, um, you.

-I'm sorry. -No. It's all right.

You know, I mean, the phone works both ways, right?

And I haven't exactly done my part, either.

No, I-I tell you the truth

is that I was nervous about tonight.

-Why? -Because...

you fall out of touch with people,

and I don't know.

I got worried. I got worried that you might have changed,

that you were a different person because...

you're rich.

I am not rich.

You're -- Well, you're no-- Emily, you're rich.

You got twice as many cars in your house than you do people,

you got three times as many bathrooms.

You are rich.

Okay, if I'm rich, I've been rich for a long time.

Why would I suddenly change?

Well, because without me in your life as a moral compass...

-...you might've lost your way. -Oh, God.

I think this whole thing about money changing people

is just a myth.

No, no. I have met a lot of rich people,

and, you know, really, two-thirds of them are nitwits.

A lot of people are nitwits.

I don't think money changes people.

It just allows them to become

more of who of they were anyway without any obstacles.

If they were generous before, they're generous now.

If they were petty and...and...and bitter,

they just use their money to get back at people and be jerks.

Yeah, okay. You're right. Maybe.

You know. I don't know.

It's not really even about the money, okay?

I think maybe I was just concerned that,

after living with Jack for so long,

that maybe you had turned into an asshole.

I am so glad you have so much faith in me.

Well, no. It's not a slam against you.

It's inevitable that when you live with somebody,

when you're married to them, especially,

that, you know, that people,

both of them start to become like each other.

Is this why you're so freaked out about Jenny marrying Jason?

-Yes, partly. -

You know, I couldn't have been more shocked

than if she walked into the restaurant and peed on my table.

-Peed on your table? -Yes.

This is a really nice image to have before I eat my steak.

O-Okay. No, no, seriously. Will you tell me --

Honestly, is she pregnant?

No, of course not.

Are you sure? Because, you know, kids her age

are really stupid when it comes to sex.

There's a girl at the hotel who thinks that you can get AIDS

by sticking your finger up somebody's ass,

if you can believe that.

Okay, I can only imagine

the circumstances that led to that conversation, Robert.

Geez.

Besides, she's not a kid.

I mean, when I was her age, I had already had her,

and you can't imagine that I'm that neglectful of a mother

to let her get into the same circumstances I did.

All right, I'm just trying to figure out some reason

why she would want to marry a pencil sharpener.

Maybe she doesn't want to live the life

of a starving artist the way her parents did.

Well, I don't think there's any danger of that.

Do you have to be so contemptuous?

Of what?

Living a normal life.

They're just both too young to give up so easily.

Not everyone sees marriage as a tragic surrender to conformity

the way that you do.

Well, you know what I'm talking about.

And I'm not just talking about Jenny.

When they dated in college, Jason published those poems.

You remember? And they were pretty good.

Yes, I do remember.

Right. And what's he doing now?

He's an accountant for the government?

Okay, maybe he'll write on the side.

It's a little easier to create

without creditors constantly banging at your door.

I just don't want them to make the same mistake that we did.

Okay, what mistake is that?

Getting married too young.

You were in your 30s.

Like I said -- too young.

I don't think youth was our problem.

And, anyway, you don't seem so irreparably harmed

by the catastrophic mistake,

which, by the way, gave you the daughter

that you seem so concerned about.

But you know that I don't mean it like that.

I'm talking about Jenny. Come on, Jenny --

When she was a girl, when she was a kid,

she had dreams.

Do you remember all the things that she wanted to do?

And now she does what?

Can you tell me? Because I don't know.

No, because every time she tries to explain to me

what she does for a living, I -- it's so stupid, it's so boring,

I forget like an hour later.

Look, I should be the last one

to discourage anyone from their bliss,

but, you know, with me, it's just a dumb mistake

that my first novel ever got published.

No, it was only because I met that agent

at Amy's party, remember?

A party that I wasn't even gonna go to.

Yeah, but that book was good.

So that book would've been published eventually.

I don't know, Robert.

I think the dirty little secret of life

is that luck has a lot more to do with our destiny

than talent and hard work combined.

-Combined? -Yes.

If I hadn't gone to that party, if I had been 20 minutes late,

my whole life would've been different.

Okay, so, what's your point?

My point is, is that...

maybe what Jenny is doing

will make her more happy, not less...

that...that chasing your dreams

and having them not happen is worse than...

I don't know, not trying.

Okay.

So, if you really believe that, then you have changed,

and you have changed a lot more than I thought possible.

Okay, Jenny is...

-How old is she? -24.

24! Okay, that is too young to not even try.

What's the cutoff point?

What's the point of no return,

where, if your dreams don't come true,

you've left yourself without any other options?

Any particular dreamer you have in mind?

No. It's a rhetorical question, Robert.

Yeah, okay, sure. Yeah, all right.

Look, sorry I ever brought it up.

Let's just not go down that path anymore, okay?

Fine. She can marry the pencil sharpener. I don't care.

-You're being too sensitive. -Well, why not?

I mean, you're basically calling me a failure.

I would never call you that.

Okay, fine.

-I'm gonna go to the men's room. -Robert --

And when I come back, could we please...

change the subject?

Robert...

Men's room?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Your entríes will be right out.

-Thank you. -Hi.

-Hi. -Hi.

Wow.

I'm sorry that I was so...testy before.

No, I just think we're just overprotective of Jenny.

Yeah.

-All right, your filet mignon. -Thank you.

You're welcome. Your plate's extremely hot.

And your salmon, sir.

And my salmon, ma'am. Thank you very much.

Can I offer you more to drink?

Oh, I'd love another. Thank you.

-And I'll have the same, please. -Got it.

Mmm. -Yum.

That looks good. It smells good.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Yes, mm, oh, stop it. Come on.

-Mmm. -Stop now.

-You want a bite? -No, no.

It's a slippery slope.

Mm-hmm. Oh, you know...

-Oh, come on. -...you know you want it.

-You know you want it. -No, no, no.

-You know you want it bad. -That's what Eve said to Adam.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's been a long time.

-Mmm. -Too long. Oh.

All right, no, but I'm -- I'm gonna stick with the salmon,

which looks excellent, by the way.

You know, I was just thinking, you always used to say

that people get dumber as they get older, not wiser.

-Yeah? -Mm-hmm.

And what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?

Well, just maybe that Jenny knows what she's doing

and maybe you're wrong.

Ah.

Well, it's possible.

She's gonna be fine.

I think.

You know, sometimes I think you are an incurable optimist.

What's so bad about optimism?

What's so good about it?

Well...

It gives people hope, for one thing.

Yeah.

You know, all these systems

that deliver, um, what you call hope --

you know, religion, politics, whatever --

you know, they're just delivery systems for denial.

They're -- No, they exist to allow people to feel good

about sticking their head in the sand and keeping it there.

Okay, well, what about music and all kinds of art?

I mean, it's the same thing.

Yes, people have politics, they have religion,

they have sports and drugs,

and they, you know, collect miniature statues of horses.

I don't know. I have my writing. You have your music.

It's all the same thing.

It's just a way for us to deny the fact

that we're gonna suffer pain and die.

You can't make sense out of any of it, right?

Whoa. Wow.

And you accuse me of having a dark world view.

EMILY: No, I just think sometimes

that you think you're above it all.

Well, if you think that I'm above

the, you know, dopes out there watching reality television

and lining up to watch movies about robots

and talking Chihuahuas, you're right.

No, but I-I don't think that that, you know, gives me

any sort of higher intelligence, no.

No, on the contrary, like you said,

by virtue of my age alone,

I'm probably dumber now than I have been

at any point in my life.

You have the weirdest combination

of narcissism and self-loathing.

No, no, no. You've got it wrong.

Thank you. No, it's other people that I loathe.

-Oh, really? -Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm?

-How is everything? -Delicious.

-Excellent. -Great.

Let me know if you need anything else.

But, look, I am sorry -- before, you know, about...

No, I'm the one that should apologize, honestly.

No, no, I'm just too...touchy.

No, it had to do with all your talk about luck and dreams.

-You know, whatever. -What?

No, it's just, you know...

No, it's a topic that I've been ruminating about a lot --

uh, my luck.

My luck, my -- or my lack thereof --

and my corresponding lack of success.

You know, it -- I, um...

I spend an inordinate amount of time looking back these days,

and I'm not very happy about it.

What's wrong with looking back,

especially when you've done as much as you have?

Yeah. Oh, yes, I am a man of so many accomplishments.

-I can't even remember them all. -Oh, come on.

You played the Playboy Jazz Festival.

-Yeah. -You -- You recorded...

-...with Miles Davis. -Decades ago.

Come on.

I want you to tell me, what do you think happened?

Well...

You didn't play the game.

You never saw music as a business.

And you're too much of a purist.

Yeah. Some purist.

And now I'm barely getting by by playing Celine Dion songs

for fat tourists from Moosedick, Montana.

You know what I think your real downfall was?

What?

Women.

Yeah, okay. No argument there.

Hmm. No, I'm serious.

I think you spent too much time chasing girls,

not enough on your art.

Split your focus.

Oh, come on, you talk like I was Jimmy Page or somebody,

constantly banging groupies on the road in hotel rooms.

-You weren't? -Oh.

If you'd seen some of the dumps that I stayed in

when I was on the road -- No, no.

I never would've taken women back there.

Yes, I forgot about your high standards.

Hey, you, of all people, would appreciate the allure

of a nice environment for your trysts.

Or are you gonna tell me now

that while you were cuckolding me with Jack

that, uh... you were staying in rooms

in the, what, the Van Nuys Motel 6?

Well played, sir.

-Very well played. -Mm, thank you.

-Awesome. -Yes, thank you.

And I see that the alcohol is having the desired effect.

You are finding my resentful barbs

amusing rather than insulting.

No, no. They're still insulting. I just think it's amazing

that you're lecturing me on fidelity.

-That's what's amusing. -No, no, no.

I was never the cocksman that you think I was.

No. And if the truth were to be told,

I think that we're probably even on this score.

I think you probably cheated on me

as many times as I did on you.

-Yes. Okay, fine. -That's really funny.

Fine, no, okay. Let's fess up.

Let's -- Okay.

I'll tell you if you tell me.

How many?

Does that include Jack?

Of course it includes Jack. What do you think?

I thought maybe since I married him, it wouldn't count.

Are you crazy? I mean, what are you smoking?

Jack should count for double.

Ah. Okay.

You go first. I bet you don't even remember how many.

Of course I can remember how many.

Four.

Four. What, we're talking about --

What, how many times while we were married, right?

Okay, four.

No, in 14 years.

And I know that's nothing to brag about,

but I bet a lot of people have a worse record.

-What?

You must think I'm the most gullible person on the planet.

I mean, what about that time

you took that gig on that cruise ship for four months?

There must've been four on that one.

No, no, no. The -- The only woman

I took to bed on that cruise ship

was Joyce Carol Oates.

-Oh, yeah, this -- -Yeah.

No, when I wasn't playing, I was in my room reading.

Oh, I'm supposed to believe this

from "Mr. FMS -- 'Fraid I'll Miss Some--"

Hey. I am not -- No -- a chimpanzee.

I can control myself -- as I did with the steak --

when I want to.

Okay.

Let's start with four.

-Oh. -Okay?

Audrey.

I never slept with Audrey.

Oh, come on.

No. No, I was attracted to her.

I was tempted, but, no, that...never happened.

Okay, how come you didn't deny it when I confronted you,

when that whole thing happened?

-Come on. -

I knew that you were looking for a way out.

And I figured I'd give it to you.

I knew how unhappy you were, and I...

knew that you were unhappy,

you know, still living like a sh--

fucking broke college student,

raising Jenny in that stupid little apartment in the Valley.

I knew that I could never give you what you deserved,

and I knew that Jack was interested in you, and...

I decided to give you both the excuse that you needed.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

Yeah.

Well, it's water under the bridge.

Hey.

I didn't mean for the conversation

to come to a screeching halt.

Why didn't...

Why didn't you tell me?

You know something?

It takes some of the nobility out of the act

if you take credit for it.

Why are you telling me now?

Well, why do you think? I want to take credit for it.

God...

Robert, I mean...

No, look, I-I-I don't think

that I was ever very happy being tied down.

I-I think that I was looking for a way to get out, too.

I-I certainly didn't know how to be a good husband, and I --

and I never really understood how to be a good father.

I think we blew it.

I don't know.

See, I think that you and I have always thought

that the grass was greener on the other side,

and that's one of the reasons

why we were never happy being married.

Ah. You were never happy.

Well, you know what I mean.

No, I don't, because I was.

I really was most of the time.

Okay, so, "happy" is probably not the right word.

"Satisfied."

You know this Warren Zevon song --

"I'm Always Looking for the Next Best Thing"?

That was us.

That was us.

I don't think that you can have a successful marriage

if you always have one eye out looking for...

the next best thing.

Okay?

I mean, I was looking for a way to get out.

You were looking for a way to get out.

We got out.

Don't you think, in hindsight, it might've been a little rash?

Rash?

We were married for 14 years.

You're not answering my question.

Look, I think it can drive you crazy

if you contemplate the fact that, within every decision,

there are a million alternatives,

and every one of those alternatives

could've made your life a different thing.

-I don't know.

You've become quite a philosopher after...

-...four scotch.

No, I think it's just that I like to wallow in self-pity.

I see.

Mm. No, but if --

If I am completely honest with myself,

I think we did the right thing.

Even though it kills me...

...that no matter how much I loved you...

...it wasn't enough.

And Jack, the prick that he is, was.

Wow. It's not enough.

I...I don't think

you have anything to be jealous about that.

I'm sorry to hear that.

-Or maybe I'm not that sorry. -

But, look, even though I think

that Jack is a total menstrual cramp,

it doesn't mean that I want you to be unhappy.

Well, thank you. I think that's sweet...maybe.

So...what happened?

-You really want to know? -Yeah.

I don't know.

Not one thing.

I'm bored.

Well, that's nothing. Come on. That's inevitable.

That happens in every relationship,

and that's why they tell you that bullshit.

At the beginning of every relationship,

you better make sure

that the person that you're with is your best friend

because at least you have that

when the passion inevitably dies.

See, that's the thing. Jack's never been my best friend.

You were.

You still are.

Well, thank you. But, Emily, come on now.

We haven't talked since the last Fourth of July.

Oh, that doesn't matter, and you know it.

If I really needed you,

I could call you anytime, day or night,

and you would jump on a plane no matter who or what

was going on in your life.

I would do the same for you,

and I don't think either one of us

has anyone else like that in their lives.

Right?

Right. Well, yeah, okay.

Lucky me. I'm your best friend.

What happened to our marriage?

I don't know.

I don't think the passion ever went away.

No matter what else went wrong...

-No. No. No. No. -No.

Even when you were cheating on me and I wanted to kill you,

I still wanted to have sex with you.

-Really? -Yeah.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Wait.

Hmm?

Is Jack cheating on you?

No. No.

-Are you s-sure? -No, I don't think so. No.

Maybe that would be good.

It would indicate he has some sort of sex drive.

No, he's...he's not unfaithful. He's just dull.

And to prove your theory, I'm becoming dull by osmosis.

I mean, tonight is the first night

I've really felt like

myself in a long time.

All right, I'll tell you something.

The feeling is mutual,

because it is so hard

to find somebody that you can be yourself with.

I mean, I'm feeling like myself with you tonight.

And, look, it's not like I'm a recluse or anything.

I'm out there, you know, every night.

I'm meeting people, but, you know --

And I don't believe in the soul-mate stuff.

I think that that's kind of crap.

But, still, to find somebody that you can...

connect to...

that's kind of rare, right?

I don't have that trouble making connections.

It's just keeping them.

Okay, well, you and I are living proof of that.

No, Jack and I are living proof of that.

God, lately, I find myself doing the weirdest thing --

something I would have never done when I was married to you.

What?

Banking conversations.

Banking conver-- Wait. How does that work?

A thought comes to mind,

and instead of talking about it with Jack,

I save it in the back of my mind for later

when we have nothing to talk about.

Oh. Does this happen often?

On a daily basis.

-Yikes. -Yeah.

Wow.

I think that was part of the appeal.

I thought he was a challenge, you know?

He was an enigma.

Then I realized he's not an enigma at all.

I was looking for layers under layers that weren't even there.

You know, ever since the book came out...

Yeah.

...been having some...

I don't know.

I don't know. It's...It's been bad.

-Really? -Yeah.

You know that -- that character --

-You read it, right? -Yeah.

-You know the congressman? -Yeah.

You know, the -- the self-righteous, political animal

who's really dull and black and white?

-Yeah. -Yeah, well, does it seem...

like it's anybody you know?

No, come on. It's totally altered. It's...

You and I know that, but Jack read it, and he --

he's convinced that that's exactly the way that I see him.

Oh, come on. And it's not?

Well, I don't know. You know --

You know how Larry McMurtry and all those other guys,

they give those interviews, and they say that, you know,

their characters "aren't based on any one specific person."

They come straight out of their imagination.

Well, of course, I said the same thing,

but I'm just being evasive,

because even the most overtly fictional of my characters,

well, they're based on, you know...

-...you know, people I know. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -So...

the answer is yes.

I-I mean...

it's kind of based on him,

and, unfortunately, it's the bad part...

-Yeah. -...because the good ones,

they don't make for good stories.

Yeah. And so now he's pissed.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah.

And it doesn't help that my novel was written up

in a couple of really, really big magazines,

and so he's convinced that everyone's

talking about him behind his back

because of the stuff in the book.

And I keep telling him no one even reads anymore,

and, if they do, they wouldn't make the connection.

But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

He's just fucking pissed.

Yeah, well, you can't blame him.

No, you can't blame him -- the guy.

I mean, come on, I read that book.

I mean, the character is totally unsympathetic.

No, I can see why he's pissed.

You never were.

My first novel might as well have been titled

"Bob and Emily's Twisted Marriage Falling Apart."

But, no, you never said one word that wasn't supportive.

-That's be-- -No, you didn't. You didn't.

I mean, you could've, but you didn't.

I actually thought that you didn't even read the book

because you were so damn encouraging.

But his mind doesn't work that way.

He is not an artist. He does not understand.

I mean, come on, give the guy a break. I mean, see --

And that is the beauty of writing music,

because when I'm writing music

and I'm playing a piece of piano,

even though the song is inspired

by my desire to reach down into somebody's throat

and pull their heart out, they never know.

So, how many of these heart-ripping songs

did you write about me?

No, don't flatter yourself. I was not that devastated.

-Yeah, right. -No, I wasn't.

-Uh-huh. -No, I wasn't. Nothing.

Pfft.

-You are such a tough guy. -I am a tough guy.

-I'm a tough guy.

That girl behind you has listened

to every single word we've said.

Was it that fascinating?

Have you heard anything they've said?

They haven't talked.

Do you know that some people

don't know how to talk to each other?

-Have you ever noticed this? -All we do is talk!

-And this is one thing -- -Let's go over there.

All right, let's go.

Let's go. Let's have dessert.

Ooh.

Cougar and black leather.

Yes. This is the...

-My den. -...after-dinner lounge.

Want to hear something horrible?

If it's something horrible about you and Jack,

yes, please do.

It's what I live for.

Mm.

Well, about six months ago,

uh, he was taking this flight to Dulles, like he always does,

and I was watching the news.

And I saw that there was a plane crash,

and it was -- it was -- it was his plane.

And my initial reaction... was relief.

I mean, before I could censor my thoughts

or feel what I was supposed to feel,

the first thought in my head was, "I'm free.

I'm finally out of this marriage."

Damn.

And then the phone rang,

and it was him, and he told me not to panic,

that he'd gotten to the airport early

and taken a different flight.

And then...

I felt disappointed.

I felt disappointed that a person that I love

didn't die in a fiery plane crash.

But do you still love him?

Wow.

Well, that's a big question.

I think that's one of the hardest things

about being a writer.

It's why so many of us

drink and do drugs and are suicidal,

because we have to constantly ask ourselves

those kind of questions

that other people just live their life trying to avoid.

Yeah, questions like, "Do I still love my husband?"

Yeah.

Despite your opinion of him, Jack is a really...

He's a good guy.

He treats me well. He's a good stepfather to Jenny.

And I think that he really, really loves us.

I'm just not in love with him anymore.

Well...why don't you leave him?

And tell him what?

The truth. No, really.

I mean, because this is one of the great mysteries of life --

I mean, why people twist themselves up in knots

just to avoid telling someone, "Hey, I don't love you anymore."

I mean, is that really so hard?

Look, rationally, I know you're right,

and, you know...

Absolutely, I should get out of this.

It's just that... I don't know.

I...I feel weird

because I can't find a good reason to break up with him.

-What do I say? -

You say, "I don't love you anymore. Have a nice life."

Yeah, right. Well, maybe you could say that.

I just -- I can't.

Yeah.

Be fair.

I never told you that I didn't love you.

Yeah, well, you didn't have to.

I kind of got the message when your belongings

started to disappear from our apartment one by one.

A-And the divorce papers? They were a dead giveaway.

Oh, God.

Don't act like a poor little puppy.

You practically left skid marks getting out of that apartment

when you found out you had your freedom.

Well, what did you want me to do?

Sit around and cry, beg you to stay,

after what you did to me?

Wait. Do you really believe

that I left you for Jack because he had a bigger car?

Yes.

You did.

Yeah, 'cause it couldn't be about you at all.

It couldn't be that maybe you weren't giving me

something that I really needed.

Oh, come on. What didn't I give you?

Okay, maybe it was what you gave everyone else.

Look, there's other ways of cheating

than sleeping with people.

I mean, you did that, too, but...

in those ways, you were a really big slut.

Okay, what the hell are you talking about?

Okay, okay, okay. Remember...

Remember Caroline's big birthday party,

and she wanted you to play a song?

Vaguely.

Yeah, do you remember what song you played?

No.

I think you do.

You played our song, the song that --

that you played for me the night that you proposed...

-Oh. -...the song you wrote for me --

at least, you said you did.

I did write that song for you.

How do you think that made me feel?

Okay. Now, wait a minute. All right.

Let me just -- Let me just get this straight.

You left me. You -- You moved out.

You married another guy because I played a song for some girl?

Not just a song -- th e so ng.

You did shit like that all the time

for no other reason than to make a pretty girl smile.

Well, you know something?

The longer I live,

the more I treasure those smiles from pretty girls.

One of the few reasons to keep on living.

One of the few things in life that's worth living for.

Sometimes you have to give up some things

to make other ones better.

You never quite got that one.

Yeah. No, I got it.

I got it a little late...

but I got it.

I see you found our lounge.

We did.

Did you save room for dessert tonight?

Oh, no. I'm stuffed.

I'm stuffed, too, but...

um...

you don't have anything with lots of chocolate in it, do you?

We do. We have a chocolate chocolate-chip cake

that's amazing.

Chocolate chip. That sounds good.

One. Coffee?

No, I'll have some, too. Thank you.

-Two coffees. -Two forks.

Coming right up.

So much for all that cholesterol watching, huh?

Okay, the cholesterol -- Forget about it.

You can only live forever

if you give up everything that would make you want to.

Cheers.

Okay, well, now, can I tell you something

and you won't tell anybody else?

Who am I gonna tell?

Jenny.

Or your little blonde bartendress.

-Oh, come on. All right. -Anyone? Please, honestly.

-I won't tell, I swear. -Between the two of us?

-Promise? -I promise.

I tried cheating on Jack.

Look at how happy you are.

No, re--

Really?

You're unbelievable.

No, I'm not. I was bored.

I'm unhappy.

I'm really feeling old.

And, you know, it just seemed like a great thing --

the fun of -- of having sex with somebody

without any kind of complications or, you know...

Yes, I am familiar with that particular impulse.

Yes.

Well, you know, it actually just kind of happened.

I was going out with a friend -- a fellow writer.

Um, I've known him for a long time.

Jonas Marwood.

Jonas Marwood.

You have always had a crush on Jonas Marwood.

But, you know, I always thought he was out of my league.

I mean, he's so much younger than me

and he's so handsome and he's brilliant.

You know, he's kind of like a literary rock star,

like McInerny and Ellis were...

-...back in our day. -Yeah.

Anyway, well, the thing is, is that...

I-I never got the vibe

that he was even remotely interested in me.

But we went out to this, um, you know,

this opening for this book of a friend of ours,

and we got really smashed.

Mm-hmm. How long ago was this?

A couple months.

And he had a girlfriend, and I, obviously, am married,

but we ended up back at his place.

And...what?

What's -- What's the downside? W-What happened?

You know, that's the really weird thing.

Like, believe it or not, there was kind of no downside.

It was great.

I mean, I think the whole forbidden-fruit aspect

made it even better, and then the weird thing

is I actually liked feeling the guilt.

It was such an -- such an -- an intense feeling.

It made me feel just younger than I've...felt in years.

And then, you know, when it was over,

I just kind of got it out of my system,

whatever it was that I needed to get out.

Yeah, but how did he feel?

That's where the problem kind of starts.

Um, of course, I didn't spend the night at his place.

I hightailed it back home

at about like 3:00 a.m. in the morning.

I slunk into bed with Jack in shame.

The next morning, I woke up, and I figured

that Marwood was already regretting what had happened

and that we would agree

that, you know, it was all a big mistake

and that we could blame it on the alcohol.

That's what I was hoping.

And then I-I got to my computer,

and he had already written me an epic e-mail

saying he was always... in love with me.

Oh, boy.

-Yes. Yes, and -- -Ohh.

and that he didn't want to put any pressure on me

about Jack.

But now that he knew what we had,

he had to break up with his girlfriend, and he did.

-He did it the very next week. -Oh, God.

And so he started sending me these mushy e-mails and texts,

which, even if they were written by a 13-year-old girl,

they would be embarrassing,

let alone an award-winning novelist.

So...So, what did you do?

What do you think? I slept with him again.

-No. -Mm-hmm.

-No. Come on, Emily. -A bunch of times.

What are you gonna do, be my Jiminy Cricket?

Now you -- you, of all people?

-No, no, no, no, no. -You, Mister...

I'm not judging, okay? I'm not --

-...FMS. -Come on. No.

But I'm -- I'm shocked.

I'm a little bit impressed.

I mean, no, I didn't think that you were that reckless.

Well, the worst thing about it...

Yeah?

...is that this guy is just as predictable as Jack,

but, you know, in -- in his own way.

I thought that having an affair

would be, like, exciting and dangerous.

But no.

I mean, I find myself in this position where,

instead of one bland, dull, time-consuming relationship,

-I have two. -Wow.

So, wait. This is still going on?

Yeah.

Yeah, kind of.

But I haven't seen him in a while.

Yeah.

I'm kind of dealing with this situation

the way I deal with all of my other problems.

And how's that?

-Pretending they don't exist. -Ah.

But that's very healthy.

-Yeah. -Yes.

Okay, now, I think --

I-I really think that my point is this --

I always kind of thought

that it was possible to have sex with someone

without any repercussions.

But, of course, I know there's always repercussions -- always.

There's gonna be repercussions

from us having dinner together tonight.

Oh, how so?

Well, because it's gonna be a little bit harder

to go back to Jack,

and I'm kind of...

staying in my permanent state of denial

that things can't really get better.

I hate that, being with you.

It always reminds me that things could be better.

Things could be good.

And that's bad?

Yeah.

If you can't do anything about it, it's really bad.

Well, who says we can't do anything about it?

Hello.

-Hello.

Chocolate is coming.

Here comes chocolate cake for me.

Mm-hmm.

And I'll just take this whenever you're ready with it.

Thank you. You took my fork.

Sure, I'll get you a fork.

Dig in.

Mmm.

So?

What?

You're just gonna drop a bomb like that

and just not follow through with it?

Follow through with what?

You know.

That was just me being stupid, okay?

I think that was just the...scotch talking.

Huh.

So, you're gonna tell me

that you didn't even think that maybe tonight we would...

What?

Of course I thought about it. I always do.

Really? Still?

Well, it's just the way my mind works.

You know, whenever I'm out with a woman,

even if it's an ex or a friend,

you know, I'm sure it's always there in the back of my mind.

I wonder whether or not we're gonna end up in bed together.

Oh, gee, you make a girl feel special, Bob.

Oh, come on. You feel the same way.

-Don't tell me you don't. -I don't know.

I suppose, when I'm...

with a guy that's remotely interesting or attractive,

my mind goes through the hypothetical scenario

of what it --

what it would be like to be with him.

And so, did you do that with me?

When?

Anytime. I mean...

did you do that before we got together tonight, before we met?

-Oh. -Now?

I've been thinking about it since...

the moment you called.

All right.

Me too.

So...

So, the ball's in your court.

You're the one who's married.

Don't hide behind Jack.

If you could have what you wanted,

between you and me...

...what would you want?

Wow. Well, that --

That kind of depends on what we're talking about.

Hmm. I'm asking you.

Okay, look, I have always been attracted to you.

I'm never gonna deny that,

and if I thought that we could go to bed tonight

and there would be no consequences,

I would do it, no question.

But, as you pointed out -- and I think correctly --

there are always consequences.

You don't seem to care about those much...

-...with all those other girls. -That's true.

Well, why now? Why with me?

Why do I suddenly get

the new, improved, morally upright version of you?

You want the old slutty one?

Maybe.

Maybe it's the wine making me nostalgic or...

...horny...

or both.

Oh, God.

I'm so fucking sorry.

-No, no, no. -I'm so fucking pathetic.

Excuse me. Please do not apolo--

You have nothing to apologize for.

I've been known to be nostalgic and -- and horny myself.

Do you ever think you made a mistake letting me go?

Wow.

You're like a marksman.

I thought we already covered that.

Yeah, but I don't remember you coming to any conclusion.

I really want to know.

Did you make a mistake letting me go?

-Do you think that you did? -Oh, come on.

You know, I think that I made the best decision

that I could've made at the time under the circumstances.

Did you -- Did I ever tell you that,

when I was on the way to the church,

that I had a panic attack?

No.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm driving to the church. I-I'm almost there.

I-I turn around. I make a U-turn.

I

I mean, I was like 10 miles outside of town.

I had to stop and turn around and come back.

That's crazy 'cause that's exactly what I did.

We were in the limo with my sister,

and I asked the driver to take me somewhere else.

-No. -Yes.

-Why? -I don't know.

It was so final.

I mean, I just thought, "This is the person

I'm gonna spend the rest of my entire life with."

I was so young. It seemed so far away.

I was in l--

You're dodging the question.

-What? No, I'm not. -You will not answer me.

No, I'm not dodging the question.

It's exactly what you said -- that, you know, what you said

about marriage being final and irreversible.

No, but, see, I didn't get it.

It wasn't the marriage that was irreversible.

It was the divorce.

It was splitting up that we couldn't take back.

And...

when that hit me...

I mean, when that dawned...

Well, that was a tough moment.

Are you sure you want to --

-Yes. -Come on. Are you sure?

Stop.

It's got to be like more than I make in a month.

No, it's not that.

No, it's my pleasure.

-Thank you. -Oh, you're very welcome.

We'll be out of here pretty soon.

Don't worry.

So, why -- So, why didn't you try to get me back,

at least when, you know, Jack --

Jack and I first started to be together,

even before we got married?

Would you have wanted me back?

Yes.

Maybe. I think so.

All right, look, I...

I think the truth is that --

Remember what you said about

younger girls not getting my -- my references and my jokes?

-Mm-hmm. -That's true,

but they're also not witness

to every stupid thing that I ever did in my life,

every humiliating and selfish thing that I did.

And I think one of the reasons why I didn't try to get you back

was because...

...I knew that you had seen me at my worst.

You knew every mistake I'd ever made,

and you knew all the opportunities I had let slip by.

And...

I don't think I could've looked into your eyes anymore

and lived with what I knew would be staring back at me.

I didn't want to grow old...

...living with somebody who could see what a failure I was.

Is that what you really think I see?

That's what I see.

When I look at you...

when I'm with you...

I see all the ways that you have loved me.

I see all our common history that we've shared.

No one knows the story of my life the way you do.

Remember that PEN dinner

the one that you took me to because Jack was busy working?

Yeah, sure.

Everyone came up to me afterwards,

and they were all so surprised to find out that you were my ex.

They all said the same thing.

They said, "Why did you break up?

You seemed so... so great together."

And I-I couldn't I just --

I couldn't give them an answer.

I still couldn't.

Thank you, folks. Have a great night.

Thank you.

Oh.

What a night.

I, uh...

Do you want to go get another drink?

Clearly we're not drunk enough.

Come on.

We could get a bottle of wine and go back to your room.

Hmm. I guess I could go through the motions

of making all the arguments why we shouldn't do that

and, uh, pretend that I didn't want to,

and you could make the case that nothing's gonna happen

and you're gonna be a perfect gentleman

and I could pretend to think about it

and you could push a little bit harder,

and then, after 20 minutes of phony deliberation,

we could go to the hotel room.

Exactly. So let's just save the 20 minutes,

get the wine, and go back to the room.

Here we are. It's 413.

Have you ever gotten lucky in 413?

-413? -Uh-huh.

-You know, this could be...

...the first time I've been in here.

Unh.

What?

Sure. Now, come here. Watch this.

-Magic touch.

-Wow. -Wow.

This -- This Palmer is something, huh?

Uh-huh.

Want me to open the wine?

Would you?

-Oh. -I'm gonna --

I'm gonna use your men's room here.

Whew.

Hey.

Wow. Oh, thank you.

Cheers.

I didn't know you had a roommate.

I like the hairdo.

Yes, it's -- Yeah.

-It's an interesting place. -Oh, look at this.

D-Does your, um, publisher reimburse, uh...

if you watch porno?

Well, Bob, uh...

-even if he doesn't, -Mm-hmm?

...I'll buy you any kind of porno you want.

No, no, no. You see, skin flicks are another thing that just --

They just aren't what they used to be.

Wait. Do you remember when we went to see that movie, um...

"The Opening of Misty Beethoven?"

Of course. How could I forget it?

It was our third date,

and I thought you were a complete perv.

Yeah, until you saw the movie, as I recall,

and then you appreciated it for its --

No, come on. They had writers in those days.

They had serious stories.

They had plots and subplots, and I keep thinking

they're gonna reinvent the wheel, but no.

Come on. If there's another, uh...

Mitchell brothers or Russ Meyer out there,

I-I sure as hell don't know where they are.

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, baby,

but I don't think it's gonna happen.

I teach this creative writing class to these undergrads,

and I overheard these two girls talking

about how they make their boyfriends shave their...package

so that they look more like porno stars.

No.

Ever since hard-core hit the Internet,

the genie's out of the bottle.

-It's not coming back. -Ohh, man.

Well, that's the death of romance.

The death of romance?

The death of romance.

Please. Come on.

That's the death -- What are you doing?

You're checking your messages?

You trying to see if Jack called?

-No. I know. No. -Well, okay.

-I just wanted to see what -- -I'm out of here.

No, I wanted to see what time it is.

It's 2:00.

I can't believe you kept me out

-this late. -Okay.

-It's beyond my bedtime. -"This late?"

Okay. Here's what.

Old lady's in bed at like 10:00.

No, no, no, no. Let me say something.

You can try to paint this picture of yourself, okay,

as the Amish housewife, but I'm just not buying it, okay,

because people don't change that much,

and you haven't changed at all.

Okay, maybe just a little bit for the better.

-Oh, you're a big liar. -No.

If anything, I've changed for the worse.

No. No. Tonight? Come on, with me you're great.

You're sweet. You're funny. You're generous. You're kind.

Now.

Now, because I'm not with you.

Remember when I was with you? I was possessive. I was petty.

I was jealous.

I was awful all the time.

-Mnh-mnh, no. -When I'm friends with somebody,

I can be generous and funny

-and let things go and be open.

But when I really care about someone, I become someone else.

Yeah, well, see, yeah, but all women are like that.

Why do you think I'm single?

Why is it so easy to be at our worst with those who we love?

-Because they'll put up with it. -

-What? -That's depressing!

-I know, but it's true. -Let's change the subject.

You are a little bit hard on yourself,

because when I'm sitting right here, okay,

you haven't changed a bit.

All right, well, maybe not on the inside,

but on the outside, I don't even recognize myself.

-Oh, stop. -Really, it's gross.

-Everything's falling. -Oh, God.

When I was a little girl -- I keep thinking about this --

I went to my grandma's birthday party,

and she was 47.

And that seemed so old.

And now I'm almost there...

and I barely feel like an adult.

Okay. Oh, fine, fine. Okay.

I haven't felt like I was an adult for years.

No, I feel less like an adult every day.

I think the last time, I was like 17 or something.

Seriously. 17.

And then, since then, it's been a constant state of regression.

I mean, mentally, I'm like Mork from Ork.

You remember that show and how the people from planet Ork

were born old and they got progressively younger.

And when Mork and Mindy had a baby,

it was played by Jonathan Winters?

No, but keep going. You're getting somewhere.

-I know you are. -Oh, what I'm saying

is that those writers were on to something 'cause that's me.

That's how I feel. That's --

Every day, I'm less and less sure, you know.

I'm less and less defined.

You know, because, like, when I was 20 --

When I was Jenny's age, all right, I knew --

I knew exactly -- I knew -- I could feel it, okay,

that I was gonna be one of the -- one of the jazz greats.

I didn't have a doubt in my mind.

Art Tatum and -- and -- and Bud Powell

and Erroll Garner, come on.

Those were my -- Those were my role models,

but I thought my future peers.

And then I'm 30, and...

Well, you know, it hasn't quite happened yet,

but I'm kind of relaxed about that.

I'm thinking okay, the pressure's off.

I'm not a enfant terrible. I'm not a wunderkind.

You know, I'm not a prodigy, but okay,

I'll just do it on my own time and my own timetable.

And then 50 kicks in, and I'm not one of them yet,

and I'm kind of realizing that I never will be that great,

you know, 'cause I'm not.

I'm not a...genius.

I'm -- I'm okay, you know.

I don't have the chops, but I love it.

But it's too late to do anything about it.

I can't change careers now.

So I finally -- I figured out, you know,

just give up on the long-range goals, you know.

Just focus on the immediate stuff,

like getting beautiful women into bed

and drinking fine wine.

So, now I'm like a teenager but without the ambition.

You know what?

I think I'm regressing, too.

My next contract is for a children's book.

Instead of maturing, I just want to write

about the things I liked when I was a little girl.

Okay, so, that's perfect. That's good.

I have always thought that if you're a writer,

a musician, whatever, you should focus

on the stuff that you loved when you were a kid.

That's your inspiration.

That's who you were --

pure and unadulterated, before you were like 20,

and then you get all, you know, intellectual.

And you got to be careful with this stuff

when you're -- when you're 20.

Hmm. You know what I liked when I was 20?

What?

-You. -Oh, stop.

See, this is my -- This just proves my point because --

Okay, now, you tell me this. What's your book about?

Your new book.

Baby rhino.

-A baby rhino. -Mm-hmm.

-Wait. Wait. Rhino? -Rhino.

Where did that come from?

-Ow. -What?

I got to take off my shoes.

It's cool. Don't laugh at me.

It was a dream I had a few months ago

where this baby rhino dropped out of the sky

and was rampaging around my living room,

destroying everything.

Okay, no, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

Was this around the time that you were dating Jonas Marwood?

I don't know. Why?

Well, because maybe Jonas Marwood is the rhino

who's come into your life and messing things up.

Wait! Maybe Jack is the rhino, and he's creating all the havoc.

Well, maybe it's just a dream.

Maybe dreams don't mean anything.

No, come on, no, come on.

Dreams got to come from someplace, okay?

But here's my big question.

Which one of these studs is the man

who has, you know, inspired, um, your imagination,

your subconscious to manifest them as a rhinoceros?

Oh, rhinoceros?

Yeah, big rhinoceros with a big horn on his head.

Believe me, neither Jack or Marwood

is a huge, horned anything.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, so, you make me feel a little bit better,

but I am not one to throw stones.

-Aww. -Yeah.

Well, do you want me to check it out and see?

-Give you my expert opinion? -Oh, stop.

Because they're not the same when they're hard.

-Oh, st-- Y-You're drunk.

I swear you are.

-Know you are. -Maybe you're the rhino.

Me? How could I be the rhino?

I wasn't even in your life then.

Well, even if we're not talking,

it doesn't mean you're not in my life.

You always are, even if it's just in my dreams.

Oh.

Oh, God, no, I can't. No. It's --

-I'm sorry. I shouldn't. -Yeah, that was so terrible.

-No, no, you know what I mean. -Are you really gonna act

like you didn't come back here to sleep with me?

No, I'm just a little bit --

I'm trying to figure out where this might be going.

Oh, my God, you've turned into some kind of little boy.

What about FMS syndrome -- 'Fraid I Might Miss Something?

Aren't you afraid you might miss something right now?

No, I'm a little bit afraid

that we might be doing something that we can't take back.

Yeah, so am I.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

with somebody I don't love.

I don't want to die in bed next to Jack.

I want to die in --

I want to die with you.

Okay, whoa, whoa. Cowgirl, come on now, slow down.

-Whoa. -Don't dismiss me.

-Don't. Don't do that. -No, no.

I'm not dismissing you.

I'm just letting you know

you're not thinking straight right now, okay?

Let's just get this straight.

So, you want to divorce Jack and get back with me?

I don't know.

Maybe we're different now.

Maybe we're different together.

Maybe we could give it a try -- I mean, just a try.

Is that so awful, just you and me?

Not awful, no, but slightly unrealistic

given the circumstances of our current situation,

given our lives.

What?

What about your life is so great

that you can't give it up to be with me?

Okay, see, you have never understood this,

that I actually like my life.

I like the fact that I don't have to ask permission

if I want to go to the midnight movie,

that I don't have to ask permission

if I want another drink at the bar,

that I don't have to give a shit about the color of the drapes

or whether or not they match the stupid couch,

and that, if I don't get a gig in any given month,

I don't have to be feeling bad

about the fact that I have no money.

Oh, my God!

All this crap about low overhead and freedom?

Well, what has it gotten you?

You live by yourself in that little apartment.

You play in a corner. You're all alone.

God damn it! You have pissed away your whole life!

Okay, now, whoa! Don't hold back.

-Tell me how you really feel. -So have I. So have I.

I spend years and years that just go by,

and nothing happens.

Time that's gone.

It's never gonna come back.

I did it 'cause I thought I was supposed to do it

or -- or because I thought that was expected of me.

Why did you do it?

Except for the fact that you're a fucking coward.

-I'm a cow-- Oh, I'm a coward? -Yes.

You tell me how I'm a coward.

Everything you've done

is designed to make your life risk-free!

Playing all those little gigs, sleeping with all those girls,

being all by yourself -- It's all safe!

You think you're Bohemian.

You're just as predictable as Jack.

So Jack's life is predictable.

My life is predictable.

You tell me, what is the alternative?

The alternative is what we had before, what we let go --

a life, a life with someone you love.

That's risky.

That's what we should do.

What if there is no God? What if there is no afterlife?

What if this is all we have?

If you're right, why not spend

the rest of our short lives with someone...

you love, someone who makes you happy?

Because...

Because I think that that ship has sailed.

And I think, no matter how we feel about each other,

it's too late to do anything about that.

Is that what you really think?

Is it?

No.

Because if it were...

Come here.

Okay. Okay.

Where are you going?

I got to go to the bathroom. I got to go.

Stay. Stay.

I...

Robert?

Hey.