Original subtitles

Beat you by one minute.

That's Henry Goodwin 14, alarm clock zero!

I am a machine.

Technically, so are you,

but I am a better-looking machine.

*

(gargles)

(music ends abruptly)

(snores)

(music resumes)

(whoops)

I'm invincible.

Ow!

HENRY (in distance): Damn it!

I can't believe I slept with Chloe Goodwin.

I can't believe I got booty-called by April...

lawyer.

Yeah, you did.

Cho.

My last name is Cho.

Yeah, it is.

Where are my manners?

I need to ask you out again.

Where are my socks?

I need to get the hell out of here.

One's lodged in the ceiling fan.

I'm wearing the other one.

Can you guess where? Hint: it's not on my foot.

Oh, God, I hate my life.

Time's up! It's on my penis. Ugh. God.

So, you never want to tell your brother about us?

If... that's okay?

You can't ever tell your brother about us.

That is okay.

Seriously. I am your dad's lawyer.

This is an ethics violation.

I could be disbarred.

It's just that Henry

is a total ethics queen.

If he sees us, he'll be like,

"Lecture, lecture.

"He's a professor, you're a student.

No sex. Eat more iron."

Have him eat more iron.

Yeah, uh-- hold on.

(phone beeps)

Kate, hey.

No, four-tiered wedding cake, honey.

Next.

Live band, one trumpet player.

Where's the...?

Well, I don't care, but-but full bar.

I swear I put toast in here.

Yeah.

What the...?

Uh, h-honey, hold on.

(phone beeps)

Sorry, I got fiancée on the other line.

Read me the guy's chart.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

How's his stool?

(whispers): Ew, that's disgusting.

Really?

Tiny bones?

What is this guy, an owl?

No, he-- I don't really think he's an owl,

but it's the weirdest...

He's just such a hypochondriac.

I know, don't do...

Just because there's blood

doesn't mean it's not psychosomatic, okay?

Of course Dr. Richland wants to intubate,

the woman doesn't know her mitral valve

from her abducens nerve.

(laughs)

Do we have fun?

Yeah.

All right, uh, look, I'll call you in a few.

Yep.

(phone beeps)

What?

Okay, seriously, what's happening to my toast?

Uh, you sure you don't want a ride?

No, no, no, I'm good.

Um... not to brag,

but I happen to have a lucky parking spot.

Every day, the parking lot

is completely full, except for one

perfect spot right in front of the math building.

There's only one explanation.

You're magic? I am magic.

Well, Magic, could I see you again tomorrow night?

I'll bring flowers.

You are allergic to flowers.

I don't care.

(chuckles)

JIMMY (yawns): Gosh,

sure is good to be downstairs

for the first time this morning.

Yawn. I slept so well with nobody else in my bed.

Question: which one of my lazy siblings

put that box of Dad's stuff

in front of my bedroom door?

I am not lazy.

I didn't salt those yet.

Eh, I'll just leave for school early.

I...

Actually, Doctor

"I'm Always Saying How I'm A Doctor"

M.D., the reason that box is in the hallway

is 'cause Chloe and I already went through it.

Oh, good. Well, I'll drop it off at the church later today.

Really? You don't want to look through Dad's stuff?

Is there a young man in there who will die

if I don't transplant his kidney?

Oh, my God, I hope not. Then, no.

You sure you don't even want to go through his old math books?

The guy had a pretty sick sense of humor.

Drew a lot of sideways butts.

Pretty sure those are threes, bro.

Agree to disagree.

Toast! No, Jimmy, I...

(sighs)

Hey. Hey.

Quick donation.

Last of Dad's stuff. Sorry to leave it

right there. I can't talk.

I'd love to stay and chat,

but I'm late for work-work.

Are you okay? You seem a little frazzled.

I'm a machine; I don't get frazzled.

Ow! Damn it.

Your shift at the tutoring center? Move it to Tuesday night.

They're closed Tuesdays. Next Tuesday, then.

Evening, Leroy.

Dr. Goodwin, your opinion?

Looks like a lung.

Of course it's a lung...

You have something for me to sign?

Uh, yes, but I don't have the forms yet.

There you go.

(woman screams)

(gasps) What?

But I'm magic.

I am magic.

April?

* Oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

April?

What are you doing here?

Just collecting orange cones.

You know, the way you collected

lacrosse players in high school.

Sorry. Habit. Wait, so,

you were saving me that spot every morning?

That is so sweet...

slash, creepy.

Are you in love with me?

Your dad wanted me to make sure you actually went to class.

I know you tend to give up easily when stuff gets

the least bit difficult, so...

parking spot. What?

I do not give up easily.

What were you gonna do if you couldn't find parking?

Skip class and go get yogurt,

unless the line was too long at the yogurt place.

Okay, I see your point.

Hey, it's still very creepy of you.

What else did Dad do that I don't know about?

CHLOE: It turns out,

it was never a lucky parking spot.

It was our lawyer moving cones.

Isn't that freaky?

I'll tell you what's freaky:

this guy Freaky Pete.

In jail, used to call him Freaky Pete.

Had a toenail on his knee.

Looked like an eye.

Come on. Henry?

No. No, not freaky.

Seriously, neither of you cares

that Dad is trying to control my life through April?

No, because he's not.

April moved some cones.

Get over it. You're acting crazy.

I'll tell you what's crazy.

Staring contest with a man's knee.

20 hours. I lost.

Dad got us to move back into the old house.

He enrolled me in college.

He's gonna find a way to get you

back in Granby for good. Trust me.

Dad is dead, Chloe. He's dead.

He cannot control us from beyond the grave.

(cell phones ring)

Go time. I'm coming, Pop!

Car keys!

(classical music plays)

(yawns)

BENJAMIN: Hello, Goodwins.

Initially, I thought

I'd give you a prize today.

Check under your seats.

You get a car! You get a car!

JIMMY: Yes! Seriously?

You get a car!

Oh, my God.

Everybody gets a car!

Gotcha! Quack, quack, quack. (toy squeaks)

(chuckles)

Instead,

you each get a riddle to solve.

(Henry and Chloe groan)

Goodwin, and good luck.

"Hokey-pokey

"steeplechase.

Answer this to win the race."

"Trouble. I've another spy.

Chloe, find him. Fly, goose, fly."

"Green potato, rancid cow.

Old wild shoe, who's sorry now?"

These sound like the poetry of Jewel.

You lay off Jewel!

That's it.

There's no time limit.

You are free to go.

So, no car?

I have a question.

It's about the riddle.

What? Just kidding.

It's about your desk. You want to do it on your desk?

Gross!

Lock the door.

Hey, Chloe. Hey.

So, did April do anything

weird with you?

'Kay, first of all, Chloe,

when two adults engage in

a beautiful expression of pure physical lust,

who's to judge what's weird?

She does sort of honk when I pull her hair,

if that's what you mean.

Ugh! No.

I mean, she's under orders to keep me in college.

Maybe she's doing something to your life, too.

Like, pretending to date you.

Okay, one, Apes and I aren't dating,

we're just super-hot doing the nasty.

And two, why is it

so crazy that she would

actually find me attractive?

And second two,

why would Dad only do that to me?

Why isn't he doing something to control your life

by having someone date you?

(knock on door)

Come on in, it's open!

(door opens)

Hello, my beautiful date.

Please,

take these before the hives

run all the way up my arm.

So, Ivan,

I've been thinking about how we just happened

to run into each other

the very first day of college.

Remarkable, isn't it?

I mean, I have to admit,

up until now, I've never believed in fate.

Neither do I.

Is everything all right?

Why would you ask me that?

Did someone ask you to ask me that?

That's an odd question.

Is it an odd question?

That's two odd questions. Exactly!

(chuckles) Is this how dates

are in L.A., or am I really rusty?

You're right, I am being weird.

Okay.

I thought I was in trouble for a second.

Trouble? Yeah.

You know, this is hard for me to say...

CHLOE: Ivan.

...instead of listening to my heart...

I have to go.

Over there.

Don't follow me.

APRIL: Okay,

I asked you here tonight for a reason.

Genuine police-style stakeout.

We need to break up. Oh.

That's way less fun.

We're completely wrong for each other.

That's true.

You're a big shot lawyer, and I was

arrested for vandalizing a tortoise.

Twice.

It was the same tortoise.

Anyway, you're right.

I'm totally wrong for you.

I love it when I'm right.

(moaning)

(cell phone ringing)

Hold on.

Hey, Chloe.

CHLOE: Ivan is in my riddle.

"Trouble. I've another spy."

Ivan. Other spy.

Ivan is the other spy!

Chloe,

are you doing that thing again where you invent a problem

so that you can bail on something

you're afraid you might screw up?

No. Are you doing

that thing now where you knock

your knees together really fast

because you're lying?

No.

After you've dissected Calot's Triangle,

clip the cystic duct and artery,

and then just remove the gall bladder

from the liver bed.

Okay, call me back.

I love you, sweetie.

All right.

Let's talk wedding flowers.

We're gonna want them short enough for conversation,

but tall enough to be conversation pieces.

There you are.

You know, I was getting worried you bailed on me.

Just like he said I would, huh?

Like who said?

I know you're working with my dad and April.

Who else is involved?

Okay, look, I have no idea

what's going on right now.

Why don't we just call it a night?

No, Ivan, let's just call it.

Period.

We're over. I'm sorry

your little plan didn't work out.

Dr. Richland.

Please take a seat.

You know, I have fond memories of this office.

Last time you called me in here, I was

promoted to head sturgeon.

(chuckles): Excuse me. Sorry.

Pigeon. Head pigeon.

Henry, I'm not gonna lie. You're overdoing it.

And it shows.

Oh, thank you.

It's not a compliment.

You're exhausted-- that is

a potential liability for us. And you know

that you're our best surgeon. And best-looking.

It depends whether you're into black guys.

Ah. The point is

you're not taking care of yourself.

You've barely taken any time off since your father died.

Rest up. Spend a week in Granby.

In Granby? Mm.

You're-you're suggesting that your best doctor

spend seven entire days in... (clears throat) in Granby?

Oh, my God. Chloe was right. Oh, how is Chloe?

Dad got to you. This is a setup.

I can't believe this is real.

Is there maybe a green potato here?

Or-or... a rancid cow?

It's a clue.

Um, on second thought, uh,

why limit yourself to a week?

Take as much time as you want.

I can't believe this is happening.

My dad did this.

You need me!

Whoo. You all need me!

I'm head pigeon! (chuckles)

Hey! Anyone home?

No! Uh, yes.

Me. Solely.

What were you doing behind the couch?

Painting a tambourine.

Okay.

Well, I dumped Ivan.

He was only dating me as part of Dad's plan,

just like your girlfriend April.

I am not his girlfriend!

And Ivan isn't working for your dad.

You are-- surprise, surprise-- wrong.

Really. Chloe is completely wrong.

HENRY: Chloe, you were completely right!

Completely! I've never said this before, and I'm not even

sure about it right now, but the tentacles of

Dad's conspiracy reach all the way to Providence.

You said Dad would try to get me back

in Granby for good, and he did.

The hospital told me to take a leave of absence today!

And there's more.

I didn't mention this yesterday,

but there was a hat there and then...

it was gone.

And there was an old wild shoe,

a shoe in there, and then my toast kept disappearing!

What? No. It's true!

It's clear that this is part of Dad's plan--

all the weird things he used to have us do,

things we had to look for. Do you remember that?

Find a clue. It's everywhere!

(gasps)

JIMMY: Oh, no!

Dad hid...

his... lawyer...

in my shirt.

I knew it! You're spying on us!

J'accuse!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

She's with me.

No. No, I'm not. I'm a spy.

JIMMY: No, no, no.

We're coming clean.

Henry, April and I are... straight-up boning.

(groans) And it is

awesome, and you can't stop us.

And before you get mad, Chloe's straight-up

boning a professor at college!

Guys, why didn't you just tell me you were sleeping

with a professor and you were

sleeping with our lawyer?

Which, by the way, is

unbelievably unethical!

What is wrong with you?!

Okay, Henry, this is why we didn't tell you.

JIMMY: Yeah, we knew you'd

get angry neck. And you don't

have to worry about Ivan anymore, okay?

We broke up. His name was in my riddle.

You guys should check your riddles, too.

Look for names. Look for, like, "Lu"

or, like, for a super-spy... I have...

I have, "Who's sorry now..."

Jewel's hands are bigger...

...sorry they let me go. Initially!

It was on the tape.

Your dad said initially he wanted

to give you prizes, remember?

Key word: "initially."

In-i-tial-ly.

Oh, no. We broke April.

CHLOE: Initials.

First letters!

Yes, they are.

No, no! Put the papers together.

Come here.

No, no, look. Put that-- Look.

CHLOE: Tch-Tchago. HENRY and JIMMY: Tchatago.

No, no. No, look. Okay.

HENRY: Gotche. JIMMY: Goat race!

CHLOE and HENRY: Hagotch.

Hagot-c. Hold on. If I go up here.

JIMMY: Gotcha.

The poems meant nothing.

He was just having fun with you guys.

Of course.

This was one of Dad's "gotchas."

BENJAMIN: Warmer.

Warmer.

Hotter!

Oh, it's sweltering!

Okay, you can look now!

(screaming)

Gotcha! (quacking)

(Chloe and Jimmy laughing)

You said it might be a puppy. BENJAMIN: Oh.

Quack, quack.

He wanted to remind you to enjoy the journey

and not just the destination.

God, that old man loved wasting our time.

And he's still doing it.

He got you guys pretty good though.

I mean, you dumped Ivan and you had to take a leave of absence.

And I thought we were gonna go to a goat race!

Pretty funny, Dad!

Oh, boy.

There's something I got to go do.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, me, too?

Yeah, okay, fine.

(Jimmy shouts, April screams)

IVAN: So, what's up?

You didn't dump me enough earlier?

I wanted to apologize.

I acted like an idiot.

I've had this bad habit my whole life.

When things are good, I look for a problem.

And as soon as I find the problem, I give up and...

that's a habit I'm trying to give up.

Do you know how many times

I asked you out in middle school?

A few? At least? Two?

Three? 19.

Four? Chloe,

you're amazing and gorgeous

and brilliant and really dramatic and maybe

I think a little unstable.

(chuckles)

I accept your apology.

Thank you.

But...

maybe we just aren't ready yet.

And when it comes to having my heart broken,

I kind of draw the line at 20 times.

14-Year-Old Me, I am so sorry.

I-I'm breaking up with you.

(breathes deeply)

I think I'm allergic to what I just did.

Hey, Lu.

Can I talk to you?

Uh, not as an ex-girlfriend but as a minister?

I'm sorry. It's not too late, is it?

(timer beeping)

No. You're right on time.

Let's talk.

I decided to take some time off from the hospital.

The hospital decided I should take

some time off from the hospital.

That makes more sense.

I'm not saying that I can't do it all.

You know, it's just tougher than I thought.

And I may have even made some mistakes.

Like today, I blamed my dad

for something that he couldn't possibly have done.

Sure. Because if he's to blame, it means he's still around.

At least in spirit.

And you want him to still be around.

I do, yeah.

Yeah. This is grieving.

Well, it sucks, and I'm not a fan.

Really? Shocking.

Most people love it. Uh-uh.

That's why you've been working so much.

Because you're trying to avoid it.

But unfortunately, grief doesn't give up so easily.

Stupid grief.

(chuckles softly) And even though, yes,

it sucks, I'm glad you're starting to deal with it.

You're not

all machine, Henry Goodwin.

You're human, too.

How dare you.

Meanwhile...

If I know you, you probably didn't go through this, did you?

I did not.

No.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I am not bailing. What?

I'm not letting a little thing like you dumping me

keep us from being together.

That's not usually how this works.

And I got here tonight, there was no parking spot,

so I illegally double-parked because

I'm not gonna bail due to a problem like that either.

I want to be with you.

I want to try this.

And that's... pretty much

all I planned out I was gonna say,

and, um, yeah, I'm kind of regretting that.

But I am not gonna bail on this...

Thank you for stopping me.

Oh, I brought you flowers.

They're plastic, so you won't itch.

(sneezes)

What number plastic?

(sighs)

I'm just kidding.

That's funny.

(groans) That's it!

It's really over. Okay.

I need to be with you!

Okay, you have to leave now! This is my room.

(groans) What am I doing?!

What happened to my life?

I graduated with honors from Columbia Law,

and now all I do is save parking spaces

and press play on a VCR.

I'm a butler.

I'm a word with "butt" in it.

Look, Ape-face...

And I'm having a meaningless sexual relationship

with a felon who calls me "Ape-face."

Look, Ape... ril...

face.

The Buddha teaches us

that to find happiness, you got to shut this up.

You know? 'Cause the mind-brain

is like a twisty river-- it just goes this way and that,

trying to please other people.

Whereas, your body-brain

just gets what pleases us.

So, yeah, I've been incarcerated in six different states.

Seven.

And, yes, you are our lawyer.

But it's like Dad says: let's just enjoy the journey.

I like you.

I like your boobs.

I like you, too.

Do I still have to leave my room?

(both chuckle)

Beat you.

(sighs)

(quacking)

I miss you, Pop.