Original subtitles

Henry is now 40 minutes late.

So, Apes, as long as we're waiting

to get down to business,

what say you and me get down to business?

Ew, no.

And plus,

your sister's sleeping right next to you.

(snoring)

Wouldn't be the first time.

HENRY: Sorry I'm late.

But what about my close-up?! Uh-huh.

Double shift last night. Two hours each way

to the hospital. I didn't even get a chance to see Kate,

but that's okay. I feel amazing.

Thank you. I'm sorry, they're both for me.

(scoffs)

Remove your hand or I will break it!

(classical music playing over TV)

Oh, hello, I didn't see you there.

Well, of course I didn't.

I'm dead.

Goodwins, if there's one thing

that disappointed me,

it's that none of you ever truly appreciated...

the birds of Granby.

In my latter years, The birds?

I've become an avid bird-watcher.

I've grown to love them all.

Especially my favorite.

Your assignment today is simple:

appreciate the birds of Granby.

I suggest you start over in Sherbourne Park.

Maybe I'll see you there.

Oh, I won't.

I'm dead.

HENRY: Appreciate the birds?

One week we're solving these incredibly tough math questions.

They weren't that tough. You didn't solve them.

Well, and the next, it's appreciate the birds.

I mean, if Dad weren't already dead,

I'd tell you I'd be getting worried about him.

(cooing)

I appreciate you, bird.

This is actually kind of fun.

I don't have time for this. I never get to see my fiancée.

I have 12 patients I have to call back.

Yes! One died. Make that 11. Henry.

She was 98 years old, all right? It's fine.

Another one-night stand, Jimmy?

You and her?

You had sex with her?

Did you? You didn't. Did you? Did you?

Damn it! You did?

You didn't, did you? Sure did,

and I've got the daughter to prove it.

No, you didn't, did you?

That's Piper's mother?

Yeah, and it's funny

that she's jogging, 'cause when we first met,

I was the one who was running.

(rooster clucking)

But I was so struck

by her beauty that I had to stop.

(siren wailing) Hey, you want a free fighting rooster?

Ah! Who wouldn't?

(tires screeching)

Hi, I'm Jimmy.

Get on the ground! Hi, Jimmy.

Not interested.

Um, you should know

that I play in an Irish...

rock band...

...at Sea World.

Take me.

JIMMY: We clicked intellectually,

emotionally, in terms of life goals,

all during our brief, nearly wordless bang.

I didn't hear from her till months later.

Hi, Jimmy, this is Hannah Dhru.

We had a one-afternoon stand a few months ago.

Oh, yes, at the Cineplex restroom. No.

At the bus station restroom? No!

I'm sorry, which restroom did you say it was again?

It was behind the gazebo.

Oh, Claire! Hannah!

Jimmy.

Look, I'm calling to tell you--

and I neither want nor expect anything from you, but...

...I'm pregnant.

Claire...

Hannah.

...I want you to know that I am

gonna be there for you every step of the way.

Starting in eight to 12 months.

You guys, I'm gonna be a daddy!

(cheering)

(rooster crows)

But as you know, since then, I've been on and off the old

correctional institutional circuit.

She let me visit Piper for a while, but...

Whoops, here she comes again. (shrieks)

Oh, God. Okay, hold on.

Wait, why are we hiding?

I'm not sure. It doesn't make sense.

And then, probably a year ago,

she said that I couldn't ever see Piper again.

Said I was a bad influence.

What? No.

A girl has to have a relationship with her father

and her father's

awesome sister.

You've never even tried to let us meet her.

HENRY: Yeah, look, Chloe's right.

I mean, sneaking into her window twice a month,

it just, it's not enough.

Yeah, but I am a bad influence.

Plus, Hannah's got some new guy,

so I'd only be a fourth wheel.

I want to meet my niece.

Plus, I think I'd be, like, the cool aunt

who's more like a sister 'cause we're so close in age.

You're 26 years apart.

Suck it, Henry!

Look, Jimmy,

Dad just died,

and you were too ashamed

to ever tell him that he had a granddaughter.

Piper will never know her grandfather

because you couldn't stay out of trouble.

Don't let her miss out on more.

Like me buying her beer.

But not until she's 16.

You know what? Screw this bird stuff.

You're my little brother. We're gonna drive over

to Hannah's and tell her you've cleaned up your act

and you're ready to be a part of your daughter's life. Oh, but first,

we're gonna make you look all respectable.

Yeah. You can just wear some of my clothes.

Yeah.

Thanks, Henry.

The pants fit like a dream.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?

New plan: we do see Piper,

but we do not see her mother.

I like things the way they are.

No, no, Jimmy, we are using the front door!

No, Chloe, we're using the window.

Front door, Jimmy! Front door!

Window, Chloe! Window!

Jimmy, get down from there. Hey, those are my pants.

You're gonna rip my pants. Don't touch me!

Let go! (screams)

Jimmy...

Oh, my God, oh... Daddy?

Claire, I'm cleaned up

and ready to be a part of my daughter's life.

It's Hannah.

Jimmy.

(groans)

So, Hannah,

the three of us are here

because we think Jimmy should be able to see his daughter

on a regular basis.

Absolutely. He's dependable, he's normal.

I appreciate you, chicken!

(laughs)

He's polite to poultry.

Are you still unemployed?

Yes, but in my defense,

it's very difficult to get a job interview in prison.

They just won't let you wear a suit.

(clears throat)

Well, I hate to break the awkwardness,

but I do live here and no one's introduced me yet,

so, um, hi.

I'm Chad. Your brother's got great sperm.

(chuckles)

That failed.

So, Piper, your uncle Henry and I

are so happy to finally meet you.

You know the show Bazoogaville Junction?

Well, your aunt Chloe was Doris the Newt!

I'm sorry, I've never seen it.

Most children's TV

is insulting to kids' intelligence.

(British accent): Well, I smell something stinky!

Mom? It's okay.

HENRY: Jimmy, your daughter is smart.

Did you get a DNA test?

Well, Mr. Wooding, her chess teacher,

says that she's one of the most gifted players

he's ever taught.

Too bad he retired to Florida.

Yeah, Florida.

You know, Piper,

I used to play chess. You want to play?

Sure, let's go. Yeah.

All right.

(mouthing)

Hey, Chad, let me help you, uh,

fix that trellis out there, yeah?

Sure, let's go. Oh!

Oh.

That failed, too.

All right, divide and conquer.

Chloe's got Piper; I'm gonna handle this dope.

Just make sure Hannah knows

you're responsible, you're mature.

Just try not to start a fire, okay?

I'll be outside. Okay.

Okay? Okay.

Well, Jimmy, what do you want?

I'm just trying not to start a fire, okay?

I don't want you to pull a hammy here, buddy. Yeah.

All right, look, bottom line, Chad,

Jimmy should be a part of Piper's life.

Plus, he's got us

watching out for him now, and we're good people.

What do I do?

I'm actually a doctor.

Head of surgery, Providence General.

Education?

I went to school in Massachusetts.

Boston area.

Cambridge.

I went to Harvard, Chad.

Yeah. Harvard? That's a four-year school, isn't it?

Yes, it's a f...

(chuckles) That's very funny.

And what is your job, Chad?

I'm also a doctor, Henry.

Really had to wedge that

into the conversation, didn't you?

You know, Piper, I've always wanted a niece.

We're all hoping we can start seeing you more often.

And as your cool aunt,

I want you to feel free to ask me anything.

So, you have any quizzles for me?

That's my cool way of saying questions.

Are you happy with the way your life has turned out?

(British accent): Well, that's a stinky quizzle!

Hannah, you got to give me another chance with Piper.

I've given you plenty of chances.

(crowd clamoring, roosters clucking)

(laughing)

(baby crying)

Oh, shh-shh.

But I've reformed.

And that's not just my opinion.

The last three times I got out of jail,

the parole board said the same thing.

Little piece of advice:

when trying to convince someone you're responsible,

don't mention jail.

Don't mention jail.

Why would you ask me if I'm happy?

Well, Daddy said I remind him of you.

Your dad is onto something. But I don't ever want

to "lose my way" like he said you did.

Well, your dad might want to shut his stupid cake hole

'cause he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Look, you don't have to worry about your old Aunt Chloe.

I play my life like a giant game of chess:

always five steps ahead.

And that's why I win at chess

and at life.

Checkmate.

Look, if you're a doctor, you're not around a lot.

So Hannah and Piper, they need Jimmy.

I have plenty of time for my family. Watch your hand.

Really?

Yeah. I run my own general practice,

so I can keep my life in balance.

Family, leisure, planning our wedding. Careful with your hand.

Wow, so you actually see the person

you're going to marry every day? That's weird.

That's how most people do it. Hand.

Kate and I are so busy, we can't even pick a wedding date.

Or maybe she already has. Who knows?

Maybe we're already married. I really need to talk to her.

A while back, I made a decision that it's all right

if I don't make the most out of my career,

because I want to make the most out of my life.

You're about to pinch your hand, Henry. Ow!

What the hell, Chad?!

I guess I should've warned you. Yeah.

I'm sorry, it's just, you understand,

I can't afford to hurt this hand.

Your cutting hand? My drinking hand.

All right, come to my office.

I'll patch you up and I'll fix you a drink.

I've been distilling my own bourbon.

You've been distilling your own...

Chad, you're truly an American hero.

Hey, guys. Henry hurt his hand. We're gonna patch him up.

How's it going? Great.

I think he likes me.

Look,

I have my siblings with me now. I mean, you see how well

Chloe and Piper get along.

They're like soul mates.

You're going down, you little punk.

I don't like losing. Neither do I.

I actually have a problem with it.

So do I.

An unhealthy problem.

That's what my chess teacher says about me.

We're exactly alike, aren't we?

Not exactly.

I'm better at chess.

This Manhattan is perfect.

Oh, I'm sorry, you said you wanted it dry.

(laughs)

Man, you really do have it all, don't you?

I am very happy.

(groans) My work is killing me.

I mean, life only

gets busier-- marriage, kids--

and what if my kid turns out to be a bad seed, like Jimmy?

I mean, I love him,

and let him into your family, blah-blah-blah,

but do not trust that guy with anything important.

I'm just saying.

Well, you ever thought about

slowing down the pace a little bit, Henry?

Maybe doing something here in Granby?

I hadn't thought about it, but you're pretty happy here.

Well, I am looking to expand my practice.

Now, I'm not sure if that's

the kind of thing you'd be interested in,

but I figured I'd put it out on the table.

Chad, you make me another one of these drinks,

you might have yourself a deal.

Look, I know you love Piper, and she loves you.

I mean, just the other day, she drew this picture.

There you are, in her bedroom window.

What a beautiful imagination... she has.

(chuckles)

You're beating me again. How is this happening?

I had a really good teacher.

Well, I had one of the kindest,

most generous teachers there was.

Ticktock, Chloe. (clicking tongue)

Pressure getting to ya? Can't stand the heat?

Starting to crack?

The rook?

Really? Are you serious? The rook?

(clicking tongue)

Rook was the right move. Checkmate!

What?! No!

So inspiring.

Well, my teacher told me that winning isn't as important

as learning from the experience.

That sounds like something losers say.

Checkmate.

What?! No!

I'm sorry, but I'm not that crazy girl

who dove behind the gazebo with you anymore.

And I don't want that kind of inconsistency

in Piper's life.

I want someone dependable, who's got a job,

who's committed to

being the best possible father for Piper

and husband for me.

Yes, I can do all that.

What? I'll be there for you.

You and me, forever.

Let's get married.

(screams)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! (laughs)

No?

What the hell was that?! Oh!

What? What's wrong? You said you wanted a husband!

I was talking about Chad.

Chad? Chad?! That guy...

Hey. ...is suddenly right here.

I heard yelling. Is everything okay?

Yeah.

A bird flew into the window.

Just now? We should check on that.

Yeah, and I should appreciate it.

How is the game going?

Oh, it's great! So much fun!

She's such a little darling.

I love my cool Aunt Chloe!

What a smart little head!

Never touch my hair again.

I know I messed up in the past, a lot.

You don't even know about

the underground Estonian dog circus.

But I love Piper.

Piper loves me!

And there is more to being a father

than just making a girl laugh.

Do you really expect me to believe that?

Yes!

So... partners?

Partners.

Fantastic! (chuckles)

Of course, it'll be a big pay cut.

Right.

Well, ah, look... money's not important.

And you'll be off the circuit in terms of awards

and medical journals.

It's never been about prestige for me.

On the bright side, Henry, you're gonna get to spend

so much more time with your patients.

It's my favorite part.

Especially the elderly.

They can go on and on if you give 'em a chance.

Well, I love the idea of using my skills

on people who aren't gonna be around in ten years anyway.

Okay, okay, sorry. You know, this is a good thing.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

I'm glad to hear it.

And I really appreciate your honesty

and your openness to herbal medicine.

Thank you. Wait.

What kind of doctor are you?!

Checkmate! Yes!

Yes, yes!

You did really well!

You're very smart. Great job.

Wait. Did you let me win?

Definitely not.

You beat me fair and square. Nice going, champ.

You did. I went oh-for-three against you?

You're like a smaller, tanner version of me.

How did this happen?

You kept making the same mistakes.

I'm sure there's some symbolism there.

I'm Piper's dad.

Hannah, don't you think that she deserves a whole family?

She has a whole family.

Oh, Chad? Really? Chad?

You know what "Chad" stands for?

Chad-substitute...

Substitute dad.

Substitute Chad-dad!

Hold on. Let me get this.

C-H-A-D.

Could never... have been... a good dad...

dad.

Can't... hinder...

a... dol... dolphin.

I specialize in naturopathic medicine.

I thought you knew that.

You're a naturopathic doctor?

That's right. An N.D.

Yeah, I mean, it's not anything extreme.

I just try to find a natural approach to dealing...

You're an N.D. An N.D.

I knew there had to be a catch.

Wait. What did you put on my hand?

An herbal salve. How does it feel?

Like heaven on my knuckles.

But that-that's irrelevant.

You're not a real doctor!

I went to school for two years, Henry.

Two years?! Okay.

Okay, Mr.-Mr. N.D., where did you go

to Nedical School? Narvard?

No? Was it Nale? Uh, North Carolina?

Okay, Henry, you seem pretty stressed out.

I have some needles I can stick in your face

that'll help you with that.

I have eight years of education

plus residency, because my profession--

it's based in science.

Yours is all smoke and mirrors!

Only for migraines.

Look, look, you're selling snake oil!

That's for eczema. It says it right there.

Oh, come on. You're one step above a chiropractor.

You take that back, sir!

This is why a balanced life doesn't work.

Because you end up becoming an N.D. instead of an M.D.

You end up with someone else's family

instead of starting your own.

It's all half-assed!

I am the best in my field.

What is more important than that?

"Chiropractor."

How dare you, sir?

(snickers)

Just you wait.

What?

You are exactly like me

when I was a kid-- everything's easy.

But guess what. That's only gonna hurt you in the long run

because you haven't learned how to lose.

And someday, something's gonna be so hard for you,

like it was for me, and you're gonna have

no frickin' idea what to do!

Okay. So how can I be less like you?

Aw... you want my advice?

Well, if I could talk to my younger self,

I would tell her, don't worry so much

about the stuff you're good at.

Instead...

...find something you're bad at.

Like differential geometry?

Finsler manifolds always throw me for a loop.

(chuckles) So to speak!

No. Find something you're really bad at.

Like soccer or piano or...

Dancing. I'm a terrible dancer.

Perfect. And what I would tell her to do is...

Stick with it, for years.

And then I'll become great at it!

Never! No, especially not at soccer.

You'll look like a four-eyed octopus

getting shock treatments out there.

But what you will learn is how to fail.

And you'll learn how to keep trying.

And you'll learn that it's okay to not always win.

That's what I wish someone had told me.

Now, lucky for you,

I happen to be an excellent dancer.

Follow my lead.

(humming)

(shrieks) Oh! Oh!

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. (sobbing)

Don't cry.

Don't cry, don't cry.

She's crying.

Daddy! (sobbing)

Daddy!

Okay, honey, okay, okay.

Shh-shh-shh-shh. It's okay.

I got you. I got you. It's okay.

Okay, sweet angel, what's the matter?

HANNAH: What happened?

Aunt Chloe hurt me!

Aw. "Aunt Chloe."

I think it's time to leave.

ALL: Okay.

Look, I get it.

I'm not ready yet.

But starting now, I'm gonna get my life together,

and someday...

I hope I'll be able to earn my place in this family.

I promise.

I hope you can do that, Jimmy.

And if you can, you're always welcome here.

Just never bring your siblings again. Okay.

Thanks, guys.

You made me look like the responsible one.

Hmm.

"Appreciate the birds."

I wonder what Dad was getting at.

All I know is I have to be back at work in eight hours.

Which means I gotta get back on the train in less than six.

So much for my day off.

(scoffs) N.D.

Sorry we didn't help you, Jimmy.

Mm-hmm.

That's okay. I'll get there.

I am sad about one thing, though.

It's like you said earlier.

Because I'm such a screw-up...

Dad will never get to meet his granddaughter.

And even if I get my life together,

it'll always be too late to change that.

I'm so proud of her.

I wish he could have met her.

Come on.

Piper, Mr. Wooding's here for your chess lesson!

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(laughs)

Hello, little one! Ah!

Come on, Mr. Wooding, let's play!

Let's go!

Oh, I know you like reading and birds,

so I got you this.

Thank you!

Can you guess my favorite?

The piper.

(both chuckle)

Okay, now, last time, you just barely beat me

using From's Gambit.

But I got something up my sleeve.

And I think I can stop you with it. You ready?