Original subtitles

HENRY: One more lateral incision...

Good. Suction, and then sew him up to finish.

(laughs)

Appendectomy over the phone.

Boom! You're welcome.

I'm an animal.

JIMMY: Speaking of which, don't go

into the kitchen for a little while.

Waffles, and a smoothie for the lady.

You made my Beverly Hills Green Machine.

I can't believe the Granby Food Mart has kale.

They didn't. Spirulina?

No. Wheat grass?

Why would you want grass in it?

Agave nectar? I don't even know what that is.

Jimmy, what is in this?

Um, coleslaw,

vodka, green margarita mix

and some dandelions from the driveway.

That's your kale right there.

It's so good. HENRY: Jimmy...

why don't we want to go in the kitchen?

Uh, nothing.

There's just a little visitor in there.

Uh-oh. HENRY: All right.

where in the kitchen is it?

No, Henry, I won't let you hurt it.

In prison I learned the way of the Buddha.

And in Buddhist morality, the first precept is

never harm, kill, roughly pet

or squish any other living thing.

CHLOE: Okay, Jimmy,

he is not gonna harm or kill anything.

That's exactly what I'm going to do-- move it.

No, Henry, don't!

(squawks)

(Chloe gasps)

(squawks, clucks)

Go ahead, Henry. Kill it.

* Oh, oh, oh...

* Oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay, Goodwins.

Today, your dad has a little surprise for you.

Oh, good, a surprise.

'Cause today has been kind of blah so far.

There was an ostrich in our kitchen.

Yeah, that'll happen. Will it?

You've been gone a long time.

Okay, two things.

One: there is an ostrich farm down the road from your house.

And two: it's run by idiots.

Any questions?

Off the top of my head, thousands.

Can my eight-year-old daughter ride the ostrich

if I get visitation rights?

I don't think that's something you have to worry about.

All right, well, what's the surprise?

Right. In order to find out what it is,

you will have to solve a mathematical puzzle.

All right! Chloe, you're up.

What do you mean, "Chloe, you're up"?

She's the smart one. Of course.

I have two degrees: one from Harvard,

the other one from Harvard, but yeah, that trumps.

Okay, Henry, you're the smart one. No, there is no smart one.

That's all I'm saying; we're both smart.

We're all smart. There's no smart one.

Can we please see the puzzle? (clears throat)

Wow.

Hey, where you going? I'm following the smart one.

She's not the smart one.

Squiggle with the cubic board.

I got it. I got it.

Hey, guys, wait for me. I solved it.

I solved it. Guys?

Okay, "Putnam College,

Davenport Hall, look for F.J."

Okay, here's Davenport Hall.

Where is F.J.?

Ah.

I think we found our F.J., guys.

Look at that Frisbee joker.

No, Jimmy, I don't think that's...

Yeah, you're right, because there's a friendly

Jell-O fellow. Hi, friend.

Look at all these kids.

I mean, just think, Chloe, this-this could've been you.

Oh, please.

I was never the college type.

Are you kidding?

You were like, a total math whiz.

Remember when you were a kid?

All your professors were like...

You're, like, a total math whiz.

I think Dad probably wanted you to go to Putnam

to follow in his footsteps.

Well, as much as I want to live in New Hampshire

and wear flats every day,

it just wasn't my calling.

I'm an actress.

I always have been,

ever since I auditioned for that high school play.

"For this is our Independence Day."

(coughing)

And then Jeff Goldblum

blew everything up with a laptop.

It was really neat.

(sighs)

The last thing I want

is to fill any poor kid's head with irrational expectations.

So I will just say this.

You will definitely become

the greatest, most famous movie star

of all time.

Guaranteed,

and I know of which I speak.

They do not allow just anyone to teach high school theater

and two periods of Spanish.

Oh, that Mr. Quilty.

He's the guy I'm gonna kick myself

(phone rings) for forgetting to thank in my Oscar speech.

Stargazer lilies?!

You gotta be kidding me.

Sorry-- Kate, the love of my life--

she has to micromanage every aspect of this wedding.

Wait, she's running for Congress and planning a wedding?

And doing a cleanse.

But look, I'm a guy--

what do I know about flowers?

But stargazer lilies as a centerpiece?

Maybe as part of bouquet, but not as a centerpiece.

If that's the case, I might as well serve fish sticks

and wear a denim tuxedo.

I'd go to that wedding. All right...

Stargazer lilies sound perfect, sweetie,

but no smiley face.

That should get the message across.

JIMMY: You guys,

I think we found our F.J.

Oh!

Hi, there.

Name? Chloe Goodwin.

Oh, but I'm not registered.

Chloe Goodwin, got you right here.

What's this? Another puzzle?

Puzzle?!

It's your orientation packet.

You're an incoming freshman.

Welcome to Putnam College, class of 2016.

Hey, all right! You got into college.

(Jimmy laughs)

He's making me go back to college?

From beyond the grave?

Surprise. So what, if I don't do this,

I don't get my inheritance?

I'm not at liberty to say at this time.

But come on, Chloe,

there has got to be a little part of you

that likes this idea.

Remember back before you were an evil bitch

with a giant sucking void where your heart used to be

when we were in math club together?

I can't believe we won. (snorts)

Let's make a pact.

The three of us are never gonna stop doing math.

Let's shake on it.

Yeah, and now let's French kiss.

Oh, Ivan...

Ivan...

no.

I may have miscalculated.

(sniffs)

(class bell rings)

This is your chance to get that feeling back.

It's kind of exciting, when you think about it.

Exciting? How about you go

to Brett Ratner's vodka-tastrophy

at the Château de Bitches, and then you can talk to me

about exciting.

I don't know who, what, or where that is.

Look, in case everyone has forgotten,

I have a career as an actress.

He doesn't want me to give up my career, does he?

He wants me to give up my career.

Can you believe that? JIMMY: I mean, that is crazy.

Chloe, you are a fantastic actress.

I know, right?

Right? Okay.

Oh, here we go. Chloe, I'm gonna tell you something

that you don't want to hear, but as your brother,

I think it's my responsibility to say it.

I'm not a good actress?

No.

No, that's not it

or no, I'm not a good actress.

No, you're not a good actress.

I'm... a great actress?

No! You're not a good doctor.

Oh, well, now you just sound insane.

Look, this college thing is a great opportunity for you.

Maybe it's time you admit the acting thing

isn't working-- right, Jimmy?

Chloe, you're a fantastic actress.

Thank you, Jimmy. Come on, will you just admit

that you agree with me, Jimmy? I know you want to.

No, I don't want anything.

The Buddha teaches us

to eliminate our earthly desires.

Yeah, well, the Buddha never had to sit

through one of Chloe's plays.

If I'm so terrible,

then why did Mr. Quilty give me the lead role

in every show I went out for?

I'll give you two padded, pushed-up reasons why.

He had the hots for you.

He gave you the part because he wanted

to give you the part.

Ew. Gross.

Okay, first of all, he had a wife.

Second of all, he was clearly gay.

Third of all, he was a feminist.

This is a man who reenvisioned

great works of drama to create better roles for women.

What gives? Everybody...

This booze is too warm.

Everybody's a wise guy.

(applause)

Maybe I can help you out.

BOTH: The icewoman cometh.

You guys wants to sell real estate?

Brass boobs, gentlemen.

Hello, Pharaoh.

I want to tell you 'bout my crazy dream.

(lively rock music plays)

Mr. Quilty is the reason I'm an actress today.

Whenever I'm having doubts, I remember what he told me:

"Follow your dream, no matter what."

If he knew that on the other side of that

was a 34-year-old with three roommates,

he would tell you

to go back to school. Back me up, Jimmy.

Chloe, you're a fantastic actress.

Thank you, Jimmy.

Thanks.

No, he would tell me to stick with it.

He would not tell you to stick with it.

Stick with it.

Look, guys, here's the secret to life:

Never stop doing anything as long as it's still fun.

Like for me, teaching was fun.

But then with all the politics and everything,

it stopped being fun, so I switched

to painting antique birdcages.

And that's fun?

It is if you're stoned all day.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Mr. Quilty,

just level with me here.

Do I have what it takes?

In spades.

(groans, sighs)

Well, I'm gonna get me some of those jalapeños popper.

Quilty, exit stage left.

Okay, that was all I needed.

I'm gonna stick with it.

Because who knows you better than a retired drama teacher

you haven't seen in 15 years?

So I should listen to you?

Exactly. Chloe...

the-the world is full of people

who just want to blow smoke up your ass.

That's why we have family.

Family always tells you the truth

no matter how hard it is to hear.

Yeah? Hey, come on.

Dear Kate,

I hate stargazer lilies,

and if I see even one on a table at my wedding,

I'll wonder to myself

what dentist's office in Phoenix

just got a little less tacky?

Whoo, you type fast. Mm-hmm.

Kind of sounds like the truth

that hurts, doesn't it?

I'll make a deal.

You call me a bad actress one more time,

I'm gonna hit send.

You're bluffing. Am I?

You know how I know you're bluffing?

Because you're a bad actress. Oops.

You didn't hit send; did you hit send?

You didn't hit send. Oh, my God, you hit send.

Why'd you do that?

Because it might... It still could...

I didn't think, I didn't think it through.

Don't patients have to reach you?

I think that's a violation of your Hippocratic oath.

Okay, Jimmy, it wasn't a good plan, all right?

Well, I didn't know you were bluffing.

You're a fantastic actress, Chloe.

Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Jimmy.

Quilty re-enters.

Mr. Quilty, you know what would be really fun?

Let's go back to the high school and visit the old theater.

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

And I haven't been back there in so long.

Oh, come on, it will be fun.

Well, I do still have my key,

and it is a Saturday.

Okay, but under one condition.

Do you still remember your death scene...

from Hamletta?

And the rest...

is silence.

Ooh.

Brava!

Bravissima!

MAN: Hello there.

Oh, hey, what's up Keith

the Teeth-- I mean, Officer...

the Teeth.

I got an anonymous tip about some kids

throwing cans of paint off the rooftop.

Oh, we haven't, uh, we haven't seen anything.

Oh, no? You supposed to be here?

I think I am. I think I am.

Oh, you mean at the school? No, no, no, we snuck in.

But it's okay 'cause we're with a faculty member--

well, former faculty member-- you remember Mr. Quilty.

Quilty's here?

Quilty exits.

Officer in pursuit!

Take him down, Keith.

Ooh! KEITH: I got ya!

Aah! Aah! (Keith yells)

All right, the AC's still broken

so I'm gonna leave the window down.

Don't jump out this time.

Yeah, he got canned a few years back

for snooping around the girls' locker room.

Guy's a perv.

Called it.

I don't get it.

You're married. I know.

And you're gay. I know.

So all those lead roles I got in high school--

was it because you had the hots for me?

Quilty as charged.

(car engine starts) As he said,

I'm a total perv.

But I am a great actress, right?

If I stick with it, I will win an Oscar one day, right?

Oh, Chloe.

Do you have any idea how crazy you sound?

Send me a picture of your feet.

You, too, boys.

They drive away-- end of act two.

God, I am such a fool.

Looking back, it seems so obvious, right?

All that time I thought I got those

parts because of my talent.

Was I never talented?

Did you think I was good back then?

Do you think I went and saw any of those stupid plays?

I hated you, remember?

Although I saw that CSI episode you did.

Yeah, I liked you in that one.

I played a mutilated corpse.

I know.

It's weird--

I never even would've found out about Quilty

if it weren't for those boys

throwing paint cans off the roof.

(sighs)

I got to go.

Don't worry.

I got this.

JIMMY: You know the Buddha

survived six years eating

only eating a single grain of rice a day.

Okay, Jimmy, I get it-- you're an expert on the Buddha

because you read a book on Buddhism, all right?

No, I read 48 books on Buddhism.

You read 48 books in prison?

No, I read 48 books on Buddhism.

I'd say in prison,

I read almost 1,200 books.

1,200 books, really?

Why is that surprising?

Look, how many books you read in high school?

Do movies based on books count? Nope.

What about books based on movies?

Sure.

Zero. Uh-huh.

All right, let's see if this worked.

Hey, how about that.

(phone rings)

Aah, it's Kate-- get some water.

No, no, Henry-- you have to answer it.

No, I don't. Henry, the Buddha woulda.

Hey, Kate.

Henry, it's Marta.

Marta.

It's her assi... stant.

What are you doing-- where's Kate?

She's giving a speech, so I'm on phone duty.

Oh, God-- okay, good.

I sent her a text about an hour ago.

Just delete it for me.

Do not let her see that. Are you kidding?

She hasn't seen a text in weeks.

What? She's running for Congress.

She doesn't have time for that stuff.

No, I've been texting with her.

No, you've been texting with me.

But I sent her some pretty personal stuff with attachments.

Look, I'm keeping all nonessentials

off the councilwoman's plate-- that includes wedding planning.

So since you're the one who cares--

what kind of flowers do you want?

What? (laughs)

Why would you ask me that?

I'm-I'm a guy.

Peonies and cabbage roses surrounded by, uh,

hydrangeas and no baby's breath, please.

All right, I got to go.

Nice penis, by the way.

Hey, disaster averted.

Yay!

Boo?

I've been texting with Marta.

I haven't talked to my fiancé

in over a week.

And now, Marta has seen my penis.

Yeah!

Boo? Boo.

James Ulysses Goodwin.

Oh, no. Refresh my memory.

The third time you went to juvie, what was it for?

For running a casino in a retirement village.

A casino? I wanted to bring

some excitement to the seniors

in their golden years.

If that's a crime, then lock me up.

CHLOE: It was.

And they did, and that was the fourth time.

No, the third time you were in juvie,

it was for throwing paint cans

off the roof of a school.

Just like some kids allegedly did earlier today.

Copycat crime.

Was it?

Or did you call in the anonymous tip

so that Keith would come arrest Mr. Quilty?

J'accuse!

He wasn't supposed to be at the school.

(gasps) So you knew about him the entire time.

When did you find out?

Four years ago, when it happened.

It was in all the papers.

In Granby.

So it was in... one paper.

So why didn't you tell me?

He was your hero-- I didn't want you

to get your heart broken.

So you lied to protect my feelings.

Do you think I'm a good actress?

Oh, we're back on that? Yes, Chloe,

I think you are a fantastic actor.

Jimmy...

do you think I'm a good actress?

The fourth precept of Buddhism teaches...

Jimmy!

Well, Henry's always saying that it's our job as a family

to be honest to each other because everybody else

blows smoke up your ass.

That hasn't been my experience.

As far as I can tell, the world's a pretty mean

and uncaring place.

So...

if you can't get unconditional love and support

from your siblings, where you gonna get it?

So...

you're saying I suck.

Yeah, you're awful. I called it.

Oh. okay. I mean, what was that last thing you did--

Clonesplosion-- that was confusing and bad.

I didn't know what was going on,

but I knew that I hated it.

I'm sorry, Chloe.

It's just hard to see you struggle so much

and not get anywhere.

Plus, you're not happy.

Oh, no, I am happy.

(crying): Okay? I am totally happy.

I've never been happier.

You're crying.

Happily.

Come with me. Come on.

I'm gonna put this in terms that you understand-- math.

Okay, Chloe equals C.

Okay, acting equals A.

And happiness equals H.

Chloe minus acting equals happiness.

Yeah.

Can I make one correction?

Guys, I shouldn't go back

to math... and I'll prove it.

With math.

So, to review-- if X is my age, Y is my health,

and Z is my career, and curve A is

life in Los Angeles, curve B is life in Granby,

considering the independent

variables of projected income,

quality of life, weather, access to great parties

and the probability of having an ostrich

in your kitchen-- let's crunch the numbers.

So, if A equals the limit

of Y cubed X equals eight X, thus proving

that C plus A equals H.

Yeah, but what about all the things

that you're not factoring in?

Like what about the fact that nerds are cool now?

What about the fact that New Hampshire

is part of Canada?

What?!

It is, or is basically.

What about love?

HENRY: Love? I mean, what if she's destined

to marry some amazing guy here in Granby?

No, I think it's safe to say that love is the one thing

we can't use math to figure out.

Right?

Chloe, right?

Let Sigma equal the straight male population

of greater Los Angeles, minus redheads--

I've never been into redheads.

We're gonna need a bigger board.

CHLOE: ...equals 48.1534

repeating the exact value of H,

which proves once and for all

that Chloe plus acting

equals happiness.

(grunts)

Impressive.

Hey, Chloe. Yes, the alcoholic in the back.

Congratulations.

You're the smart one.

Thank you.

I should go back to school, shouldn't I?

Yes! Yes!

Okay, time to go.

First day of school.

Jimmy, thank you for trying so hard to protect my feelings.

I love you. I love you, too.

And, Henry? Mm-hmm?

I love you, too. Okay.

Later, gators.

Bye.

Hey, did you really read 1,200 books in prison?

Yeah, did it mostly for Piper, though.

(laughs) That kid is crazy smart-- I mean, really.

I guess she got that genius gene that Dad and Chloe have.

And you. (laughs)

I was just kidding.

You should've seen your face,

it looked similar to what it is now.

(phone rings)

Marta, look, if this is about the flow...

Kate.

Well, well, as I live and breathe.

Well, you should be.

Do you know that we almost had stargazer lilies

at our wedding-- is that what you want?

No, me neither, but...

Look, it's just good to hear your voice.

So I'll put a pin in being mad at you for right now...

But we will get back to it...

Henry, the ostrich is back.

So, hey, how's it going? How was the speech?

Did they laugh at my joke? Henry?

The ostrich is back.

HENRY: No, you must've told it wrong.

It's a great joke.

You know what-- I'll take care of it.

Carl, that is not your Jell-O.

Get out!

(sighs)

Okay, Chloe, onward and upward.

Wrong building. Wrong building.

Wrong building.

(grunting with impact) Oh!

Whoa, that is a really big arm.

That's like a leg.

(laughs) Thank you.

That.... no one's ever said that to anyone... ever.

I imagine. Probably not.

Um, hi... what was I gonna say?

Oh, um,

could you please tell me where the science center is?

Past the library, take a left, you can't miss it.

Great, thanks.

I'm new.

Um, okay, um, also incredibly smart, so...

Bye.

Oh, um, I'm Chloe.

Bye.

Hey, Ivan-- who was that?

An old friend.