Original subtitles

So we're all living in Granby now.

This is weird.

Why would Dad do this?

I mean, it makes no sense.

What don't you guys get?

It's sad, but parents die all the time.

Sometimes they leave behind a series of cryptic videotapes

that you have to follow in order to inherit

a mysterious fortune of $23 million,

$1 million of which

sometimes goes to a complete stranger named Elijah.

These things happen, Henry.

It's the circle of life.

You're right, Jimmy, it's practically a cliché.

So, since we're not allowed to tell anyone,

how did you explain this to your fiancée?

Oh, I just told Kate I was going to be here for a while

because I wanted to reconnect with my brother and sister.

Oh. And she totally bought it.

Oh. Oh, come on, this sucks.

I'm a doctor-- no, this is not the time for modesty--

I am a surgeon.

I now have a two-hour commute to work.

What about me?

I put my entire acting career on hold to be here.

Oh, no, if you don't show up for your job, people might die.

No, wait, that's me.

Speaking of people dying, if I don't pay back

Frankie Steamroller what I owe him,

he's going to remove my elbows.

Maybe I'll end up at your hospital.

You have health insurance? Comes with car insurance, right?

You have car insurance?

(scoffing): No.

Okay, new attitude.

This might actually be fun.

It might be nice to be back in a small town

with all my old friends.

You always were popular.

I know, and around here,

people are actually decent to each other.

(screams)

This is Helmut Lang, you townie!

I mean,

yay, small town.

* Oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

(gasps)

April, hi.

I love your hair.

Thank you.

You know, I can't tell if I like it better this way

or how it was in tenth grade when you smeared

cream cheese all over it.

I like it better this way.

(regal music plays)

Goodwins, today I would like to read you

a very long poem.

(groans) No man is an island

Entire of itself

Each is a piece of the...

(fast-forwarding)

Henry probably tried to fast-forward.

Ha, he did. So I will now read it again

more slowly.

No man...

Is an island, entire...

Never send to know

For whom the bell tolls

It tolls for thee.

You've been out of each other's lives

for far too long, so today,

when you hear that church bell...

(bell rings)

...when you hear that bell,

remember, you're not on your own.

Look after each other.

Goodwin out.

Look after each other?

I think we can knock this one out pretty quick.

Chloe, you good? Yeah.

Jimmy, you good? Yeah-- well,

no, 'cause if I don't get this money

for this guy Frankie, he...

Okay, we're good.

And, uh, we're good, too, right?

Best way to get cream cheese out of your hair--

dog shampoo.

Good to know.

I should not know that!

Hey, guys, where are we going tonight?

Well, there's only one bar in Granby,

so I guess we either go there

or sit quietly in our respective rooms.

Well, Kate's coming up for a few days,

so we will be in my room, but it won't be quiet.

Sweet-- conjugal.

No, we fight a lot.

(baby crying) Danielle?

Danielle Shepherd?

Chloe Goodwin?

(Chloe and Danielle screaming)

BOTH: Aah...

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry about your father,

and that is such a cute outfit.

Thank you, and that is such a cute...

...thing to say about my outfit.

Listen, I'm around for a while.

We should totally hang out. (sighs)

Yeah, it's so tough now.

I mean, we don't really get out much anymore.

What is this, the Footloo town?

You know what? That is it.

Tonight I am throwing a classic

Chloe Goodwin rager, and everyone is invited.

(Chloe and Danielle scream)

(speaks indistinctly)

I had that dream again last night,

where I'm running a bed-and-breakfast

with Derek Jeter.

What do you think it means?

JIMMY: Hey, guys,

this sidewalk isn't working.

Hey, genius, what do you think the ropes are for?

I was just gonna ask you the same question.

Get out!

(groaning)

Hey, genius, what are you doing?

You can't park here. You got to move that truck.

Yeah, I'm almost done. Hey, I got

two dump trucks coming right now

and one of those scoop-y arm-y things, okay?

Well, what do I do with all this stuff? I don't know.

I'll watch it. Let's go. Move the truck now!

Come on!

LUCINDA: So we're talking about the Golden Rule.

You know what, take a look at it,

and when I'm back, we'll talk, okay?

Excuse me.

Hey, what's up?

Look, Lucinda, as a doctor,

I have to deliver tough news a lot.

Not as often as other surgeons due to my success rate,

but my fiancée, Kate,

is coming up for a couple of days,

and I just want to make sure that,

you know, you'll be okay with it.

How dare you bring

that hussy into my town.

I don't care.

The four of us should hang out.

I wouldn't want to put you in... Four?

Yes, Henry, I have a boyfriend.

Really? Are priestesses, high priestesses,

are they allowed to date?

I'm a minister; I'm not an Aztec.

You're a minister with a boyfriend.

Tall boyfriend? Doesn't matter.

Why don't we all meet up tonight at the bar?

Yeah, uh,

just be careful not to drink as much as you used to.

I recall someone

not being able to keep their tongue out of my mouth.

(children gasping)

Go with God, children.

God.

April.

I am officially inviting you to a Chloe Goodwin rager tonight.

Remember how much fun those used to be?

I only went to the very first one.

(doorbell rings)

(coughs)

I'm sick.

The party's canceled.

Whoo!

Yes, I did that,

and I feel terrible.

But tonight is gonna be awesome,

and I really want you there.

It's gonna be binoculars.

That's half bananas, half ridiculous.

No, it's not. That's cool; you can use it.

Do you really think that inviting me to one party

is gonna make up for you turning your back

on our friendship, becoming a total mean girl

and tormenting me all through high school?

Of course not.

Unless it does, in which case,

problem solved, so put it there.

Right here.

See you at 7:00.

Bring some wine.

(door slams)

My awkward charm is wearing you down.

(humming)

Jimmy Goodwin, hands on your head.

You're under arrest.

You have the right to eat a big bag of farts.

If you cannot afford a big bag of farts,

a big bag of farts will be provided to you.

Keith? What's up, Jimmy?

Keith the Teeth.

(laughter)

Man, we used to terrorize this town.

Hey, what's your dad gonna say

when he sees your report card?

What report card?

(laughter)

And now you're a pig.

I know, isn't it awesome?

We used to run from the police.

Yeah, used to.

So, what's it like

being a cop in this town?

Today some lowlife robbed the sports shop.

Yeah, he even stole

a construction worker's sandwich.

Sounds like the perfect crime. Here's what these criminals

never understand.

There's nowhere to hide in a small town.

Well, I'll keep my eyes out for that guy.

All right. Or woman.

It also could be a woman or an effeminate lady-man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast.

Let's hang out.

Don't make me cuff you.

Don't do that.

Yeah, come on.

(dance music playing)

(laughs)

Hey, so is this the new...

Cut it off.

(music stops)

So, is this the new L.A. thing, party for one?

No, I invited everybody, and nobody showed up.

Well, one person did.

What's up, corduroy? Hey. Hey, man.

Don't waste your time on blondie.

She's an ice queen.

I guess no one in this town cares

about going out or having fun anymore, so...

Where's Kate?

I'm about to go to the bar to meet her.

You want to come? Yes.

Head's up, you're out of cheese.

What's a party without cheese?

I can't believe my old friends are so lame.

I hope they're having fun at home with their stupid babies.

Hey.

There are all your old friends.

(screams)

What the hell? Guys...

you all said you were coming to my party.

I never said that. What is going on?

Chloe, we're not in high school anymore, so there's

no reason to pretend; I just don't like you.

What?

We were best friends.

What did I ever do to you?

You had sex with my boyfriend senior year.

Okay, in my defense,

I did not think you would find out about that.

And second of all, you're right, it was terrible,

but I kind of did you a favor.

That guy was a total dirtbag.

I married him. And I am so happy for you.

I was kind of a mean girl in high school.

I guess a few people around here still hold a grudge.

More than a few.

Was your dad the school janitor?

No, but that's what you told everyone.

Oh, I'm so sorry. (screams)

(yells)

Hey, Henry, you remember Keith, right?

Hey, hey, Keith the Teeth.

The town burnout-- how are you, man?

What did you do, get baked and go to a costume shop?

No, it's the real deal.

They gave me a gun and everything.

That's not disturbing at all.

Guys, I have a problem I need help with.

Not now, Chloe. I have a problem

I need help with. Keith, you know Lucinda, right?

Oh, yeah. Lucinda.

Yeah, so I'm trying to figure out

which one of these tools

is her boyfriend; maybe it's the one in the suit.

He's okay-looking.

He's like a six and a half.

If you drink a little bit, he's a seven,

but is that him? I hope not.

Well, he's got to be here somewhere, right?

I think it might be Keith.

Hey, honey, how are you?

KEITH: Great, sweetie.

Really? It's...

I'm delighted, uh, for you guys. So where's Kate?

Unfortunately, her fund-raiser's running over,

so she's not gonna be able to make it up tonight.

Henry, does Kate actually exist?

Of course she exists, yeah. She's just busy.

You know, I mean, she's running for congress.

Well, that doesn't sound fake.

It's not uncommon for people to make up girlfriends.

Henry, is Kate,

by any chance, Canadian? (chuckles)

Are we really debating the existence of my fiancée?

Hey, Gary.

I'm sorry. One second.

Jimmy, come on.

Jimmy, this is Gary. Gary owns the sports shop

that was robbed today. Oh, bathroom.

Whoa, where you going?

(chuckles) Have a seat.

First round's on me, guys.

Cops drink for free.

I forgot how small this town is.

(chuckles)

Icebreaker.

Come on, this is a joke, right?

What? Keith?

That guy?

Yeah, that guy. What's your point?

Honestly, I thought you were gonna

walk in here with Michael Bublé.

Really? That's your ideal man? And instead,

you show up with Rosco P. Coltrane.

Look, I was worried Kate wasn't gonna measure up,

but it's-it's like you're not even trying.

I'm sorry, I didn't think

our happiness was a competition.

Everything is a competition.

(laughs) Okay. Uh, you win.

Henry, your invisible girlfriend is so much prettier than I am.

That's my invisible fiancée.

Why are you so worked up about this?

I am not worked up about this.

It's just that I dated you.

And now you're dating him,

and by doing that, you're putting me

and Keith the Teeth on the same level.

Did you ever think about how that would make me look?

Wow.

You know what?

You're right.

You and Keith are not on the same level.

Thank you.

Wait.

This robbery was devastating to us.

I don't know how I'm gonna afford Christmas presents

for my daughter this year.

(sighs) I have a daughter, too.

That's awful.

I always thought robbery was a victimless crime.

Don't worry, Gary.

We're gonna get this punk.

We got a really clear description

from the delivery guy.

He's about six feet tall,

he's got, uh,

curly hair... (laughs)

Lumpy. He's wearing jeans...

W-W-Wait, wait, uh, back up. "Lumpy"?

Yeah, I guess he was out of shape or something.

Well, he made off with some pretty heavy skis.

I mean...

maybe they meant "lumpy" like "muscle-y," you know?

'Cause what are muscles but body lumps?

Like a lumpy, muscle-y guy.

Look at the lumps on that fellow.

Nah, I...

I think he just meant fat.

I think that stupid delivery guy was fat.

And was projecting.

And that's really unfair of him to put his issues on others.

Why don't we just ask him ourselves?

Here he comes now.

God, what is the population in this town, like, six?

As long as the perp stays in the area, we'll get him.

Hello... Granby!

Yep, it's me, Chloe Goodwin.

Back in high school, I did a lot of things that I'm ashamed of,

things that hurt a lot of people.

And for all of those things,

I'm really, really sorry.

But I've changed.

And if I can change, then you can change.

And together, we can change...

America.

Wow, you guys really hate America. (chuckles)

You know what? That's okay. You won't stay mad at me long.

DJ Greg Miller, let's show Granby...

how to party!

(dance music plays) Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh...

(shrieks)

Okay, everybody stay calm.

Notice there are three exits, one in the front, back...

Fire! Everybody run!

No, no, no! No, no, no, stay calm!

(screams)

Put your glass down, sir.

Put those tips back!

JIMMY: Hey, baby bird,

Daddy has to go away for a while

till things cool down.

I can't tell you where I'm going,

but I did hide a clue in this letter.

Maybe your friends,

Zihuat and Ejo, can help you find it.

Be good. I love you.

(sighs)

(bell tolls once)

(indistinct chatter)

(siren wails in distance)

(bell tolls once)

(bell tolls once)

Bells?

Bells.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Look, Dad was right.

How can I help?

Honestly, I don't know.

I mean, I'm happily engaged,

but seeing Lucinda tonight

with some other man made me so, just...

Jealous? Yes!

Yes, of Keith!

A guy who once got grounded for trying

to sell pot to his dad!

Look, no matter how happy you are with Kate,

it's always hard to see an ex with someone new.

Which is totally fine

as long as you don't act like an ass about it.

Mm-hmm.

Hypothetically, what if...?

Apologize.

Okay.

All right, come on.

My turn. How can I help?

Good luck. Apparently, everyone in this town hates me,

and I never had any friends growing up.

Come on. At some point, you must have had one real friend.

Wow. Weirdly enough, that actually helps.

I'm good at that. I also need help!

CHLOE: Oh, my God!

Jimmy!

I ruined this little girl's Christmas

all because I stole some lousy skis.

What?! Jimmy, I thought you were done stealing.

I was,

but Frankie keeps sending me text messages

saying, if I don't pay him what I owe,

he's gonna do all kinds of stuff to my knees.

And my butt.

All right, Jimmy, how much you need, buddy?

Oh, God! I don't have that!

I mean, I'm paying for a wedding,

and Kate wants Kenny Loggins.

No man is an island.

Will a couple thousand dollars buy you some time?

Yeah. Thanks, Henry.

Of course.

Okay, next, the skis have to go back,

but Jimmy can't be seen near the store, so Henry and I

will take care of it. What's our cover story?

We'll just... we'll call the owner and we'll tell him

that we found them in a Dumpster.

Oh, and if he's onto us,

I'll pretend I'm pregnant going into labor.

Chloe, I don't think it's gonna come to that.

It is not up to me when this baby comes.

Yeah, the fire started, we ran out of the bar,

and they were right there in the Dumpster.

And I don't even know what we were doing in a bar,

what with the little one on the way.

Aren't you guys brother and sister?

Skis are returned. Good night.

Well, that takes care of Jimmy.

I'm sorry your problem's a little more complicated.

Chloe Goodwin, welcome home!

Jimmy, what is this?

Well, I felt bad how you said

you never had any real friends,

and you guys helped me out,

so I went back to the bar, I gave a heartfelt speech

telling them that you'd changed...

Free beer at the Goodwin house!

Let's go, go, go, go, go!

I thought you guys were gonna put me on your shoulder.

So they all still hate you,

but at least they're here.

Great party, Chloe. You suck.

Guys, there is something I got to go do.

(knocking)

Why aren't you at your big rager?

(sighs) April, when I slammed the door in your face

at that first party, that is the moment

I started to become a... psycho bitch.

I am so sorry for all that I put you through,

and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it right.

So...

Cream cheese.

What about the mustard?

I put mustard in there, too?

Trust me, if I had mustard right now, I would...

I eat a lot of meals at my desk.

And dance around in a little jig.

I don't think I ever made you do that.

I'm adding my own flair to it.

Oh, God.

(chuckling)

Hey... I'm sorry.

I was an ass. Keith is great.

You really think he's great?

He bit off the tail of a lizard on a dare...

from himself.

But that was a long time ago, and I'm...

I'm happy for you guys.

I'm happy for you, too.

And you, too, Congresswoman.

She's beautiful.

Right? Yeah. Scored.

So those skis turned up?

Case, you are closed.

No way. That lumpy son of a bitch

is still out there, and we got a guy who can I.D. him.

Just a matter of time.

There's nowhere to hide in a small town.

There's nowhere to hide...

in a small town.

Yeah, no, I heard you the first time.

And he actually added a new verse

to "House at Pooh Corner," which brought me to tears.

I'm not kidding.

It's all about his son and his kid...

Give me one second. Yeah.

I think April's starting to warm up to me.

Well, this calls for a toast. Here.

Welcome home, Goodwins.

And to Dad.

I hope the old man knows what he's doing.

Hear, hear.

And God bless us every one.

JIMMY: Elijah! Elijah!

Oh, hey, Henry.

Listen, you guys, thanks so much for the party.

Got you a little housewarming gift.

It's a signed first edition.

I recently came into some money.

Bye, Henry.

No. No, that is our money.

Who told you about the bells? Where are you going?

How did you know our father? Who are you?!